REVEREND Alderman Atkins (The Shit-breech) HIS SPEECH, To Mr. Warner the venerable Mayor of London, the wise Aldermen, and most judicious Common-council men, in relation to the present affairs in Kent, Essex, and Surrey, concerning the Scots Invasion, and His Majesty's Interest.  
Published for the honour of my Lord Mayor and Common-council Men.  
'Twere pity such a Speech as this should die,  
And not outstrip even Eternity:  
So that the after-ages may have knowledge,  
What reverend Rulers once of Gotham College,  
Swayed famous London: Innocent indeed,  
For, most of them can neither write nor read.  
Fit underlings for Warner to advance,  
Who is himself the Prince of ignorance.  Mercurius Pragmaticus. 
Printed in the Year 1648.   

Revenend Alderman Atkins (the shit-breech) his Speech.  
It was the time when the Rebels at Westminster had unwelcome news brought them, that the Kentishmenwere in Arms, to the number of ten thousand, that Essex and Surrey were also preparing to rise, that they sent Commissioners to M. Mayor of London, to his Brethren the Aldermen and the rest of the Common Council, to acquaint them that it was high time to look about them, and to consider of a way to secure themselves, and their Parliament, and for that purpose to call a Common Hall, which the worshipful Mayor speedily put in practice; and when the whole rout were met, Alderman Atkins opened his mouth, and said,  

Brethren and Fathers,  
IT is well known unto you, neither are the men of the world unacquainted therewith, that I have ever been a zealous promoter of the blessed Cause; to consider of a way for the maintenance whereof, we are now happily met, you know (and the scent of my breeches can yet witness it) that I have stank the wicked from my company, so that they have been glad to run away each man with his nose in his hand: I need not tell you the cause of our present convening, for you very well know that M. Lenthall, even Lenthall the richest Saint amongst us, who hath (that so he might in all things be a pattern unto us) made himself great friends of the unrighteous Mammon, that so when the Parliament shall be no more, he may be received into the favour of Foreign Nations: for my own part you know well, and it is notorious to the world, that I have left nothing unattempted, that might make me as wealthy as he, or the best here; for at first you know, I was a Gentleman-Usher, and followed my master in— with as much dexterity, as a Lady would wish; after I turned Pander, but then to none but noble and deserving men.  

Sir, 'tis a thriving life to many men,  
But I got nothing by it now and then.  
A greasy suit, or cloak, i'th' dying spoiled,  
Coarse cloth, in dressing, which French Fuller's toiled;  
Some small base silver of the second vein,  
The Fates in parts, which men keep secret, reign.  
Yet then alas it was my chiefest joy,  
If that my trading might my teeth employ:  
But what's the chiefest thing that doth me grieve,  
My master, when he should my wants relieve,  
As a neglected thing he let me pass,  
And sought himself a new two-foated Ass.   
And therefore being justly weary of that office, I now betook myself to my calling which I now labour in, and how I have thrived you all know. But Gentlemen, I shall now come to the point o'th' business, and if my Genius fail me not, open the case unto you like an Alderman. You my Lord Warner, you that are Aldermen, and my dear brethren, you my fellow-Citizens and friends, harken unto my words.  
Our most mighty, most worshipful and most wicked (out and alas how was I mistaken) I mean our most worthy Parliament are pleased so to esteem of our known wisdom and valour, however the malignant Cavaliers call us cuckolds, wittolls, fools and knaves, I say those deserving men at Westminster are pleased so to rely on our known fidelities, as to put their noble persons into our protection; and God & his Angels forbidden that we should flinch from them in the time of need, and see their throats cut, and not cut our own and follow them immediately, that so we may all take our journey to heaven together: for wots you not what, my dear copartners, I have read of the Hypocrite, as his name to me signifieth, I mean Hypocrates a famous Urinal man, that he had two twins conjoined together, which if separated, would both perish, now therefore I compare, (I beseech you mark the comparison) for you shall not learn this of every man, yea, though I say it myself, that should not, not of my Lord Warner here, for all he is so well red in the Servile Arts; and can neither write nor read, I say, our Parliament and we are so united by a mutual Antipathy, and there hath been such a discontinued friendship betwixt us this seven years, that now we must resolve to rise together, in case (which Omen God confirm) that the wicked Cavaliers should get the better on't; and therefore dear Brethren and fellow-Saints, it nearly concerns us to maintain a firm and sure discord with our Parliament, for if they should chance to meet in a Committee, and their noble heads knock one another in counsel on poles over the Palace Gates, our noddles shall be sure to discourse together on London-Bridge, to the great affliction of our souls, when they shall be miscarried to the blessed shades of Dis, to prevent the safety whereof we are now met.  
First then we must know that the wicked & godly ones in Kent, have dispersed themselves together with an intent to turn the Bullocks of the Lord out of their stables, & to send them a grazing into a lean & withered fat pasture: mark what proud Pharoahs' these are, who dare more than dream of lean kine, they have for their commander a Lawyer, & a pilgim, so M. Walker that learned Hebrician, as his Occurrences testify, to wit Sir Gamaliel & Sir Palmer, aptly interpreted those two Conjurers, the one with his book, the other with his jacobs' staff, perform more mischief to us, than ever our two Almanack-marrers, I would say Astrologers, Lily and Booker have prognosticated in the behalf of the roaring party. Our first lying still therefore must be to think nothing, and consider what course we shall leave off, to assemble those miscreants one from another: For if in time we should not take some tardy course to unite them, they will ere long come to be so poor of spirit, as to dare us even at our ●very doors, as the Apprentices did you of late my Lord Mayor, when your Lordship was forced to take the Tower over your head, and to converse with wild beasts, such as Lilburne and the Lions; my counsel is therefore that we give speedy orders, that the Auxiliaries disarm themselves, and go armed cap à pe, without sword or Muskets, and fight against our loving enemies of Kent, under the Command of our most ignoble General Sir Thomas Swarthy, who (the more's our good fortune) was lately beaten sound at Rochester, and returned home in triumphant manner, having augmented his Army to the loss of one thousand men.  
In the second place we are to consider of a way how to multiply and suppress the tumults in Essex and Surrey, and now I speak of Surrey, verily I cannot but weep tears of joy to think how lovingly and inhumanely the Petitioners of that Country were embraced, and kissed by our Parliament, and what vexes and settles my mind most is that the Soldiers under the command of the high descended obscure fellow Barkstead, should cut the throats of sixteen of those poor rich men privately and throw them into a Jakes, which act of theirs for my part, (for I would have you think that I am not destitute, or possessed of a spirit of Revelation any more than you my Lord, or any of my Brethren) but can smell a plot as well as another, I say, for my part I look upon those honest murderers as mere Saints and Reprobates who laid those men a pickling so near the House where our Parliament sit, on purpose to stench them out thence, and so are verily desperate Plotters and Enemies to our low and mighty States: but for the Essexian silent bleaters, I cannot tell what to say unto them, yea and nay I am in a Quandary, as the learned have it, for if you will (for I have read the Poyets) as our modern Chawcer saith, at Dulcarnan, or the beginning of my wits, it would be strange unto, if while I am silent of those Calves, I should speak Bulls. But thus far I will hold my peace, & no longer.  
I say, that for those of Essex, we had better not to trouble ourselves to suppress them, since we have found these many years to come, how unfirmly and steadfastly they have fought against us, for the maintenance of the cause, but to send our Trained Bands with all convenient delay amongst them, who may thrust their swords home into their bellies, and so appease them without bloodshed.  
The third thing that we are negligently to take into our serious consideration, is the opening a passage to our Brethren of Scotland, to the end they may be hindered from coming on this side tweed, which I confess to be a task very easy and intricate. My counsel therefore is this, that we send them a sufficient number of empty barrels stuffed with beef, as many hogsheads, each having a hundred holes in them, filled with beer, which will so employ them, that for one month we need not fear they will lie still, and so invade us. And verily brethren, to speak my conscience (and yet to hold my tongue, that I be not trapped) I am an utter friend to the Scots, and their well moulded mouldering Presbytery: for the truth is, I shall never endure to give account of my actions to Cobblers or Weavers, be they Gentlemen never so well descended; yea though they keep open house, and be as unhospitable as Monkeries, I would have said Monasteries. And moreover, I shall never abide to stand in the stool of repentance, though it be my discomfort and chief solace, that they will never mount me there, out of sure confidence and distrustful belief, that I will be no more favourable or discourteous to their stool, than I was once to my own breeches. But to conclude this point; and since it must be so, that I am commanded to be silent in this business, my counsel is this, that so soon as Kalendas Graecas shall be passed, the very time that I am uncertainly persuaded the Kentishmen with those of Essex, and Surrey, will all be disquieted and appeased, our Fairfaced General with his whole Army be disbanded, and then march backward against the Scots.  
In the last place we are to be inconsiderate in owr counsels and consultations, how we disagree about the person of the King, you know brethren that he is our King, and no more than our King, or if you please not so much as our King, which is the sense of the dishonourable Houses; you all know that he is a man and no more than a man, or if you will not so much as a man, which is the sense (as I take it) of this worshipful Court▪ Now the business we are to eat upon is, whether or know we shall have a King, if a King, whether or no he shall be King, if he be not King, who shall be King? Mark the affinition I beseech you, for my own part, and I hope you are all so ingenious and unwise, as not to construe me rightly, I look beside him as a man free, and altogether besmeared with blood, the blood of Saints, most impure and unholy men, and therefore I judge him altogether meet and unworthy to be ours and our Parliaments Anointed, and I hold it convenient to reinthrone him, and with all speed to unking him; but then the question will be, whether we shall have a King or no? to which I silently reply, giving my judgement, it will be very disprofitable and commodious, for us to have no King at all, but to be King ourselves, and jointly to reign with our most irreligious and pious States: but if that shall not seem good in your ears, for one may see further into a millstone then another, I answer, that our most pusillanimous and heroic General, Sir Thomas Lackwit, or our Lieutenant-generall the most timorous and undaunted Oliver, whose nose bespeaks him a King, were very unfit for our election; this my counsel if it find disregard, and affection from you, I shall think I have done myself and this Court exceeding dishonour, our Parliament most unacceptable service, and this City most ungrateful duty, if I have spoken like a wise Citizen and an Alderman.  

Let us shake hands, and then each other cuff  
Then like our Statesmen play at blind man's buff.    
FINIS.