THE WEEDING OF THE COVENT-GARDEN.  
Or the middlesex-justice OF Peace.  
A Facetious COMEDY.  
A POSTHUME of RICHARD BROME, An Ingenious Servant, and Imitator of his Master, that famously Renowned Poet Ben Johnson.  
Aut prodesse solent, aut delectare Poetae. 
 Dramatis Personae.  
LONDON, Printed for Andrew Crook, and are to be sold at the Green Dragon in St. Paul's Churchyard: And Henry Broom at the Gun in Ivy-lane. 1658.   

Upon AGLAƲRA printed in Folio.  
By this large Margin did the Poet mean  
To have a Comment writ upon his Scene?  
Or is it that the Ladies, who ne'er look  
On any but a Poem or Playbook,  
May, in each page, have space to scribble down  
When such a Lord, or Fashion comes to Town.  
As Swains in Almanacs account do keep,  
When their Cow calved, and when they bought their sheep?  
Ink is the life of Paper: 'tis meet then,  
That this which scaped the Press should feel the Pen.  
A Room with one side furnished, or a face  
Painted halfway, is but a fair disgrace.  
This great voluminous Pamphlet may be said  
To be like one that hath more hair than head;  
More excrement than body. Trees, which sprout  
With broadest leaves, have still the smallest fruit.  
When I saw so much white, I did begin  
To think Aglaura either did lie in,  
Or else took Penance. Never did I see  
(unless in Bills dashed In the Chancery).  
So little in so much; as if the feet  
Of Poetry, like Law, were sold by th'sheet.  
If this new fashion should but last one year,  
Poets, as Clerks, would make our paper dear.  
Doth not the Artist err, and blast his fame  
That sets out pictures lesser than the frame?  
Was ever Chamberlain so mad, to dare  
To lodge a child in the great Bed at Ware?  
Aglaura would please better, did she lie  
I'th' narrow bounds of an Epitome.  
Pieces that are weaved of the finest twist,  
(As Silk and Plush) have still more stuff than list.  
She, that in Persian habit made great brags,  
Degenerates in this excess of rags;  
Who, by her Giant-bulk this only gains,  
Perchance in Libraries to hang in chains.  
'tis not in Book, as Cloth; we never say  
Make London-measure, when we buy a Play:  
But rather have them paired: Those leaves be fair  
To the judicious, which more spotted are.  
Give me the sociable Pocketbooks.  
These empty Folio's only please the Cooks.  
R. B.   

A SONG.  
A Way with all grief and give us more sack.  
'Tis that which we love, let love have no lack.  
Nor sorrow, nor care can cross our delights,  
Nor witches, nor goblins, nor Buttery sprights,  
Tho' the candles burn dim while we can do thus,  
We'll scorn to fly them: but we'll make them fly us.  
Old Sack, and old Songs, and a merry old crew  
Will fright away Sprights, when the ground looks blue.   

A PROLOGUE.  
HE that could never boast, nor seek the way,  
To prepare friends to magnify his Play,  
Nor rail at's Auditory for unjust,  
If they not liked it nor was so mistrust.  
Full ever in himself, that he besought  
Preapprobation though they liked it not.  
Nor ever had the luck to have his name  
clapped up above this merit. Nor the shame  
To be cried down below it. He this night  
Your fair and free Attention does invite.  
Only he prays no prejudice be brought  
By any that beforehand wish it nought.  
And that ye all be pleased to hear and see,  
With Candour suiting his Integrity.  
That for the Writer. Something we must say,  
Now in defence of us, and of the Play  
We shall present no Scandal or Abuse,  
To virtue or to honour. Nor traduce  
Person of worth. Nor point at the disgrace  
Of any one residing in the Place,  
On which our Scene is laid, nor any Action show,  
Of thing has there been done, for aught we know.  
Though it be probable that such have been.  
But if some vicious persons be brought in.  
As no new Buildings, nor the strongest hold  
Can keep out Rats and Vermin bad and bold.  
Let not the sight of such be ill endured;  
All sores are seen and searched before th' are cured.  
As Ruffian, Bawd, and the licentious crew,  
Too apt to pester Situations new.   

Another Prologue.  
'Tis not amiss ere we begin our Play,  
T' entreat you, that you take the same survey  
Into your fancy, as our Poet took,  
Of Covent-Garden, when he wrote his Book.  
Some ten years since, when it was grown with weeds.  
Not set, as now it is, with Noble Seeds.  
Which make the Garden glorious. And much  
Our Poet craves and hopes you will not grudge  
It him, that since so happily his Pen  
Foretold its fair improvement, and that men  
Of worth and honour should renown the place.  
The Play may still retain its former grace.   

To my LORD of Newcastle, on his PLAY called THE VARIETY. He having commanded to give him my true opinion of it.  
My Lord,  
I Could not think these seven years, but that I  
In part a Poet was, and so might lie,  
By the Poetic Licence. But I find  
Now I am none, and strictly am confined  
To truth, if therefore I subpoena'd were  
Before the Court of Chancery to swear.  
Or if from thence I should be higher sent,  
And on my life unto a Parliament  
Of wit and judgement, there to certify  
What I could say of your VARIETY:  
I would depose each Scene appeared to me  
An Act of wit, each Act a Comedy,  
And all was such, to all that understood,  
As knowing Johnson, swore By God 'twas good.  
R. B.   

The Actors Names.  

Rooksbill, a great Builder in Covent-Garden.  
Crosswill, a Country Gentleman, Lodger in his Buildings.  
Cockbrain, a Justice of Peace, the Weeder of the Garden.  
Nicholas. Young Gentlemen. Rooksbill's son. Gabriel. Crosswill's elder son. Mihil. Cross. younger son. Anthony. cockbraine's son.  
Mun Clotpoll, a foolish Gull.  
Driblow, Captain of the Philoblathici.  
Belt, Crossewill's Servant.  
Ralph, Dorcas Servant.  
A Citizen.  
A Parson.  
A tailor.  
A Shoemaker.  
A Vintner.  
A Drawer.  
Pig, Damaris Servant.   

Women Actors.  
lucy, Rooksbill's daughter.  
Katharine, Crossewill's daughter.  
Dorcas, alias Damaris, Croswill's Niece.  
margery owlet, a Bawd.  
betty. Two Punks. Francisca.  
A Laundress.    

THE COVENT-GARDEN Weeded.  

ACT. I.  

SCENE I.  Cockbrayne, Rookesbill. Cock. 
I Marry Sir! This is something like! These appear like Buildings! Here's Architecture expressed indeed! It is a most sightly situation, and fit for Gentry and Nobility.  Rook. 
When it is all finished, doubtless it will be handsome.  Cock. 
It will be glorious: and yond magnificent Piece, the Piazzo, will excel that at Venice, by hearsay, (I ne'er traveled). A hearty blessing on their brains, honours, and wealths, that are Projectors, Furtherers, and Performers of such great works. And now I come to you Mr. Rooksbill: I like your Row of houses most incomparably. Your money never shone so on your Counting-boards, as in those Structures.  Rook. 
I have piled up a Leash of thousand pounds in walls and windows there.  Cock. 
It will all come again with large increase.  
And better is your money thus let out on red and white, then upon black and white, I say. You cannot think how I am taken with that Row! How even and straight they are! And so are all indeed. The Surveyor( whate'er he was) has manifested himself the Master of his great Art. How he has wedded strength to beauty; state to uniformity; commodiousness with perspicuity! All, all as't should be!  Rook. 
If all were as well tenanted and inhabited by worthy persons.  Cock. 
Phew; that will follow. What new Plantation was ever peopled with the better sort at first; nay, commonly, the lewdest blades, and naughtypacks are either necessitated to 'em, or else do prove the most forward venturers. Is not lime and hair the first in all your foundations? do we not soil or dung our lands, before we sow or plant any thing that's good in 'em? And do not weeds creep up first in all Gardens? and why not then in this? which never was a Garden until now; and which will be the Garden of Gardens, I foresee't. And for the weeds in it, let me alone for the weeding of them out. And so as my Reverend Ancestor Justice Adam Overdo, was wont to say, In heaven's name and the Kings, and for the good of the Commonwealth I will go about it.  Rook. 
I would a few more of the Worshipful hereabouts, (whether they be in Commission or not) were as well minded that way as you are Sir; we should then have all sweet and clean, and that quickly too.  Cock. 
I have thought upon a way for't, Mr. Rooksbill: and I will pursue it, viz. to find out all the enormities, yet be myself unspied: whereby I will tread out the spark of impiety, whilst it is yet a spark and not a flame; and break the egg of a mischief, whilst it is yet an egg and not a Cockatrice. Then doubt not of worthy tenants for your houses Mr. Rooksbill.  Rook. 
I hope, Sir, your best furtherance.  Cock. 
I had a letter burr last night from a worthy friend, a West-country Gentleman, that is, now coming up with his family to live in Town here; and desire is to inhabit in these buildings. He was to lie at Hammersmith last night, and requested an early meeting of me this morning here, to assist him in the taking of a house. It is my business hither; for he could never do't himself. He has the oldest touchy, wrangling humour.— But in a harmless way; for he hurts nobody, and pleases himself in it. His children have all the trouble of it, that do anger him in obeying him sometimes. You will know him anon. I mean, he shall be your Tenant. And luckily he comes.  Enter Croswill, Gabriel, Katherine, Belt. Cros. 
It is not enough you tell me of obedience. Or that you are obedient. But I will be obeyed in my own way. Do you see—  (to Gab. and Ka.) Cock. 
My noble friend Mr. Croswill, right happily met.  Cros. 
Your troublesome friend Mr. Cockbrayne.  Cock. 
No trouble at all, Sir, though I have prevented yours in finding a fit house for you.  Cros. 
You ha' not ha' you, ha?  Cock. 
Actum est Mr. Croswill. But Civility pardon me, Is not this your daughter?  Kiss. Cros. 
All the She-things I have: and would I were well rid of her too.  Cock. 
Sweet Mrs. Katherine, Welcome— Mr. Gabriel, I take it.  Gab. 
Gabriel Croswill is my name.  Cock. 
But where's your younger son Mihill? There's a spark!  Cros. 
A Spark! A dunce I fear by this time like his brother Sheepshead there.  Gab. 
Gabriel is my proper name.  Gros. 
I have not seen him this Twelvemonth, since I chambered him a Student here in Town.  Cock. 
In town, and I not know it?  Cros. 
He knows not yet of my coming neither, nor shall not, till I steal upon him; and if I find him mopish like his brother, I know what I will do.  Cock. 
Have you not heard from him lately?  Cros. 
Yes, often by his letters, less I could read more comfort in 'em. I fear he's turned Precisian, for all his Epistles end with Amen; and the-matter of 'em is such as if he could teach me to ask him blessing.  Rook. 
A comfortable hearing of a young man.  Cros. 
Is it so Sir? but I'll new mould him if it be so.— I'll tell you Mr. Cockbrayne; never was such a father so crossed in his children. They will not obey me in my way. I grant, they do things that other fathers would rejoice at. But I will be obeyed in my own way, d'ee see. Here's my eldest son. Mark how he stands, as if he had learned a posture at Knightsbridge spital as we came along whilere. He was not only borne without wit, but with an obstinate resolution, never to have any. I mean, such wit as might become a Gentleman.  Cock. 
Was that resolution borne in him think you.  Cros. 
It could never grow up in him still as it does else. When I would have him take his horse, and follow the dogs, and associate Gentlemen, in hawking, hunting, or such like exercises, he'll run you afoot five mile another way, to meet the brethren of the separation, at such exercises as I never sent him to (I am sure) on worky days. And whereas most Gentlemen run into other men's books, in hands that they care not who reads, he has a book of his own Short-writing in his pocket, of such stuff as is fit for no man's reading indeed but his own.  Gab. 
Surely Sir.—  Cros. 
Sure you are an Ass. Hold your tongue.  Gab. 
You are my father.  Rook. 
What comfort should I have, were my son such.  Cros. 
And he has nothing but hanged the head, as you see now, ever since Holiday sports were cried up in the Country. And but for that, and to talk with some of the silenced Pastors here in town about it, I should not have drawn him up.  Rook. 
I would I could change a son w' you Sir.  Cros. 
What kind of thing is thy son? ha! dost thou look like one that could have a son fit for me to father, ha? And yet the best take both, and t' please you at all adventures, ha?  Rook. 
I am sure there cannot be a worse, or more debauched reprobate than mine is living.  Cros. 
And is the devil too good a Master for him, think'st thou, ha? Wherein can I deserve so ill at thy hands, fellow, whate'er thou art, that thou shouldst wish me cumbered with a worse burden, when thou hearest me complain of this, ha? What is this fellow that you dare know him, Friend Cockbrayn? I will not dwell within three parishes of him.  Rook. 
My tenant! Bless me from him. I had rather all my Rents were Bawdy houses.  Cock. 
Think nothing of his words, he'll forget all instantly. The best natured man living.  Cros. 
Dost thou stand like a son now that hears his father abused, ha?  Gab. 
I am praying for the conversion of the young man he speaks of.  Coek. 
Well said, Mr. Gabriel.  Cros. 
But by the way, where's your son Anthony? have you not heard of him yet?  Cock. 
Never since he forsook me, on the discontent he took, in that he might not marry your daughter there. And where he lives, or whether he lives or not, I know not. I hope your daughter is a comfort to you.  Cros. 
Yes, in keeping her chamber whole weeks together, sullening upon her Samplery breech-work, when I was in hope she would have made me a Grandfather ere now. But she has a humour, forsooth, since we put your son by her, to make me a match-broker, her marriage-Maker; when I tell you friend, there has been so many untoward matches of Parents making, that I have sworn she shall make her own choice, though it be of one I hate. Make me her matchmaker! Must I obey her, or she me, ha?  Cock. 
I wish, with tears, my son had had her now.  Kat. 
Wherein Sir, (under correction do I disobey you?  Cros. 
In that very word, under correction, thou disobey'st me. Are you to be under correction at these years? ha! If I ha' not already taught you manners beyond the help of correction, go, seek a wiser father to mend 'em.  Kat. 
Yet give me leave, dear Sir, in my excuse.—  Cros. 
Leave out correction then.  Kat. 
If I were forward as many Maidens are,  
To wish a husband, must I not be sought?  
I never was a Gadder: and my Mother,  
Before she died, adjured me to be none.  
I hope you'll give me leave to keep your house.  Cros. 
La there again! How subtly she seeks dominion over me! No, housewife, No; you keep no house of mine. I'll nestle you no longer under my wing. Are you not fledge; I'll have you fly out I, as other men's daughters do; and keep a house of your own if you can find it.  Gab. 
We had a kinswoman flew out too lately, I take it.  Cros. 
What tell'st thou me of her; wiseacres? Can they not fly out a little, but they must turn arrant whores, ha? Tell me of your kinswoman? 'Tis true, she was my Niece; she went to't a little afore her time? some two years since, and so fled from Religion; and is turned Turk, we fear. And what of that in your precisiancial wisdom? I have such children as no man has. But (as I was saying,) would ye top me housewife, ha! Look you, now I chide her, she says nothing. Is this obedience, ha?  Kat. 
Perhaps, I might unfortunately cast my affection on a man that would refuse me.  Cros. 
That man I would desire to know; show me that man; see if I swinge him not dares slight my daughter.  Cock. 
Still the old humour, self-willed, cross, and touchy; but suddenly reconciled. Come, Mr. Croswil, to the business.  Cros. 
Oh, you told me of a house you had found for me.  Cock. 
Yes Sir. And here's the Landlord.  Cros. 
Does he look, or go like one could let a house worthy of me.  Cock. 
Sir, we have able Builders here, that will not carry lest show of their buildings on their backs. This is a rich sufficient man, I assure you, and my friend.  Cros. 
I cry him heartily mercy, and embrace him. And now I note you better, you look like Thrift itself.  Enter Dorcas above upon a balcony. Gabriel gazes at her. Dorcas is habited like a Courtesan of Venice. 
I cannot think you will throw away your houses at a cast. You have a son, perhaps, that may, by the commendations you gave of him. Let's see your house.  Cock. 
Come away Mr. Gabriel.  Cros. 
Come Sir, what do you gape and shake the head at there? I'll lay my life he has spied the little Cross upon the new Church yond, and is at defiance with it. Sirrah, I will make you honour the first syllable of my name. My name is Will. Croswill, and I will have my humour. Let those that talk of me for it, speak their pleasure, I will do mine.  Gab. 
I shall obey you, Sir.  Cros. 
Now you are in the right. You shall indeed. I'll make your heart ache else, d'ee see.  Gab. 
But truly I was looking at that Image; that painted idolatrous image yonder, as I take it.  Cock. 
O heresy! It is some Lady, or Gentlewoman standing upon her balcony.  Belt. 
Her balcony? Where is it? I can spy from her foot to her face, yet I can see no balcony she has.  Cock. 
What a Knave's this: That's the balcony she stands on, that which jets out so on the forepart of the house; every house here has one of 'em.  Belt. 
'Tis very good; I like the jetting out of the forepart very well; it is a gallant fashion indeed.  Cock. 
I guess what she is, whate'er I have said. O Justice look to thine office.  Cros. 
Come now to this house, and then to my son Mihil, the Spark you spoke of. And if I find him cross too, I'll cross him: Let him look to't. d'ee see.  Cock. 
I'll see you housed; and then about my project, which is for weeding of this hopeful Garden. Ex. omnes.  Gabriel stays last looking up at her. Dam. 
Why should not we in England use that freedom  
The famous courtesans have in Italy:  
We have the art, and know the Theory  
To allure and catch the wandering eyes of Lovers;  
Yea, and their hearts too: but our stricter Laws  
Forbids the public practice, our desires  
Are high as theirs; our wills as apt and forward;  
Our wits as ripe, our beauties more attractive;  
Or Travellers are shrewd liars. Where's the let?  
Only in bashful coward custom, that  
Stoops i'the shoulders, and submits the neck  
To bondage of Authority; to these Laws,  
That men of feeble age and weaker eyesight  
Have framed to bar their sons from youthful pleasures.  
Possets and caudles on their queasy stomachs,  
Whilst I fly out in brave rebellion;  
And offer, at the least, to break these shackles  
That holds our legs together: And begin  
A fashion, which pursued by Cyprian Dames,  
May persuade Justice to allow our Games.  
Who knows? I'll try. Francisca bring my Lute.  Enter Fran. with Lute. while she is tuning her Lute: Enter Nich. Rookesbill, Anthony in a false beard, Clotpoll. Clot. 
Troth I have a great mind to be one of the Philoblathici, a Brother of the Blade and Battoon, as you translate it; now ye have beat it into my head: But I fear I shall never come on and off handsomely. I have metal enough methinks, but I know not how methinks to put it out.  Nich. 
We'll help you out with it, and set it flying for you never doubt it.  Clot. 
Obotts, you mean my money metal, I mean my valour metal I.  Ant. 
Peace, hark.  Clot. 
Tother flies fast enough already.  Nic. 
Pox on ye peace.  Song. Nic. 
O most melodious.  Clot. 
Most odious, Did you say? It is methinks most odoriferous.  Ant. 
What new device can this be? Look!  Nic. 
She is vanished. Is't not the Mountebanks Wife that was here; and now come again to play some new merry tricks by herself.  Clot. 
A botts on't, I never saw that Mountebank; they say, he brought the first resort into this new plantation, and sowed so much seed of Knavery and Cozenage here, that 'tis feared 'twill never out.  Nic. 
Nay but this creature: What can she be?  Clot. 
And then again, he drew such flocks of idle people to him, that the Players, they say, cursed him abominably.  Ant, 
Thou ever talk'st of the wrong matter.  Clot. 
Cry mercy Brothers of the Blade and battoun: Do you think if I give my endeavour to it, I shall ever learn to roar and carry it as you do, that have it naturally, as you say.  Nic. 
Yes, as we'll beat it into you. But this woman, this musical woman, that set herself out to show so, I would be satisfied in her.  Clot. 
And she be as able as she seems, she has in her to satisfy you, and you were a Brother of ten Blades, and ten baton.  Nic. 
I vow— Peace. I'll baton thy teeth into thy tongue else; she bears a stately presence. Thou never sawst her before: Didst thou Toney?  Ant. 
No; but I heard an inkling at the Paris Tavern last night of a She-Gallant-that had traveled France and Italy; and that she would—  (Clot. 
baton thy teeth into thy tongue.)  write table. Ant. 
Plant some of her foreign collections, the fruits of her travels, in this Garden here, to try how they would grow or thrive on English earth.  Nic. 
Young Pig was speaking of such a one to me, and that she was a Mumper.  Clot. 
What's that a Sister of the Scabbard, brother of the Blade?  Nic. 
Come, come; we'll in, we'll in; 'tis one of our father's buildings; I'll see the Inhabitants. Some money Clot. furnish I say, and quickly.— I vow—  Clot. 
You shall, you shall.  Nic. 
What shall I?  Clot. 
Vow twice before you have it.  Nic. 
I vow, and I vow again, I'll coin thy brains.—  Clot. 
Hold, hold, take your powl money; I thought I would have my will; and the word I look-for, I'll coin thy brains.—  write. 
I do not love to give my money for nothing, I have a volume of words here, the worst of 'em is as good as a blow; and than I save my Crown whole half a dozen times a day, by half a crown a time, there's half in half saved by that.  Nic. 
Come let's appear civil, till we have our entrance, and then as occasion serves—  Knock. Enter Fran. 
Who would you speak withal?  Nic. 
Your Mistress, little one.  Fran. 
Do you know her Sir?  Nic. 
No; but I would know her, that's the business: I mean the musical Gentlewoman that was fiddling, and so many in the What-do-call-it e'en now.  Fran. 
What-doe-call her Sir, I pray?  Nic. 
What-doe-call her; 'tis not come to that yet, prithee let me see and speak with her first.  Fran. 
You are disposed I think.  Nic. 
What should we do here else?  Fra. 
You won't thrust in upon a body whether one will or no.  Ant. Nic. 
Away you Monkey.  Fra. 
O me, What do you mean?  Clot. 
O my brave Philoblathici.—  Ex. omnes. Enter Dorcas, alias Damaris, Madge. Dam. 
What's the matter the Girl cries out so?  Ma. 
I know not: I fear some rude company, some of the wild crew are broke into the house.  Fran. 
Within. Whether would you go, you won't rob the house will ye?  Nic. 
Will ye be quiet Whiskin?  Ma. 
O me 'tis so: Hell's broke loose; this comes of your new fingle-fangle fashion, your preposterous Italian way forsooth: would I could have kept my old way of pots and pipes, and my Strong-water course for customers: The very first twang of your fiddle guts has broke all, and conjured a legion of devils among us.  Enter Nic. Ant. Clot. Nic. 
Nay, there's but a Leash of us. How now?  
Who have we here? Are these the far travelled Ladies?  
O thou party perpale, or rather parboiled Bawd.  Mad. 
What shall I do? Dam. Out alas; sure they are devils indeed.  Nic. 
Art thou travelled cross the Seas from the Bankside hither, old Countess of Codpiece-row?  Clot. 
Party perpale and parboiled Bawd.—  Write. Ant. 
And is this the Damsel that has been in France and Italy? Clot. Codpiece-row.  Mad. 
Peace ye roaring Scabs: I'll be sworn she supped at Paris Tavern last night, and lay not long ago at the Venice by Whitefriars Dock.  Nic. 
Prithee what is she Madge?  Mad. 
A civil Gentlewoman you see she is.  Nic. 
She has none of the best faces: but is she warrantable; I have not had a civil night these three months.  Madge. 
Nor none are like to have here, I assure you.  Nic. 
O Madge how I do long thy thing to ding diddle ding.  Mad. 
O Nick, I am not in the humour, no more is she to be o'the merry pin now; I am sure her case is too lamentable. But if you will all sit down, I'll give you a bottle of wine, and we'll relate her story to you, so you will be civil. Nic Well for once, I care not if we be.  A Table bottle, light, and Tobacco stales. 
Let us set to't then; sit down brother Toney, sit down Gentlewoman, we shall know your name anon, I hope it will fall in your story; sit down Clotpoll.  Clot. 
You will call me brother Clotpoll too when I have taken my oath, and paid my entrance into the faternity of the Blade and the Baton.  Nic. 
'Tis like we shall. Now Lady of the Stygian Lake, thou black infernal Madge, begin the dismal story, whilst I begin the bottle.  Mad. 
This Gentlewoman whose name is Damyris.  Nic. 
Damyris stay. Her nickname then is Dammy, so we may call her when we grow familiar: and to begin that familiarity, Dammy here's to you.— drink.  Dam. 
And what's your nickname I pray Sir?  Nic. 
Nick: only Nick, Madge there knows it.  Dam. 
Then I believe your name is Nicholas.  Nic. 
I vow-witty. Yes Dammy, and my Surname is Rooksbill, and so is my Fathers too: and what do you make o''at?  Dam. 
Nothing not I Sir: sure this is he.  Nic. 
And I would he were nothing, so I had all he has: I must have t'other glass to wash him out of my mouth, he furs it worse than mondonga's Tobacco. Here old Madge, and to all the birds that shall wonder at thy howletship, when thou rid'st in an Ivy-bush, called a Cart.  Mad. 
Well mad Nick, I'll pledge thee in hope to see as many flutter about the tree, that thou shalt climb backwards.  Nic. 
A pox thou wilt be stifled with Offal and carrot leaves before that day.  Dam. 
Fie, fie, what talk's this? 'tis he I am confident.  Mad. 
These are our ordinary compliments, we wish no harm.  Nic. 
No Dammy I vow, not I to any breathing.  Mad. 
But your Father Nick.— Is he that Rooksbill.—  Nic. 
But my Fathet; Pox rot ye, why do ye put me in mind of him again, he sticks i'my throat, now I'll wash him a little further.— Here Brother Toney  Ant. 
Gramercy Brother Nick.  Clot. 
And to all the brothers that are, and are to be of the Blade and the Baton.  Nic. 
There said you well Clotpoll: Here 'tis—  Drink. Mad. sets away the Bottle. Mad. 
I would but have asked you whether your Father were that Rooksbill that is called the great Builder.  Nic. 
Yes marry is it he forsooth; he has built I know not how many houses hereabout, though he goes Dammy as if he were not worth a groat; and all his clothes I vow are not worth this hilt, except those he wears, and prays for fair weather in, on my Lord mayor's Day; and you are his Tenant, though perhaps you know it not, and may be mine; therefore use me well: for this house and the rest I hope will be mine, as well as I can hope he is mortal, of which I must confess I have been in some doubt, though now I hope again, he will be the first shall lay his bones i'the new Church, though the Churchyard be too good for him before 'tis consecrated. So give me the to-the cup, for now he offends my stomach. Here's to thee now Clotpoll.  Clot. 
And to all the Sisters of the Scabbard Brother in Election. d'ee hear, Pray talk of his father no more, for the next brings him to the belly-work, and then he'll drink him quite through him.  Mad. 
And so we shall have a foul house.  Ant. 
No he shall stick there. Now to the story Gentlewoman, 'twas that we sat for.  Nic. 
I to the story, I vow I had almost forgot it; and I am the worst at Sack in a morning: Dear Dammy to the story.  Dam. 
Good Sir my heart's too full to utter't.  Nic. 
Troth and my head's too full to hear it: But I'll go out and quarrel with somebody to settle my brains, then go down to Mich Crosswill to put him in mind of our meeting today; then if you will meet me at the Goat at Dinner, we'll have it all at large.  Dam. 
Will you be there indeed Sir, I would speak with you seriously.  Nic. 
Dammy if I be not, may my father out live me.  Ant. 
We both here promise you he shall be there by noon.  Clot. 
'Lady, 'tis sworn by Blade and by Baton.  Nic. 
This will be the bravest discovery for Mihill, the new Italian Bona Roba Catsoe.  Mad. 
Why so sad on the sudden Niece.  Dam. 
But do you think he'll come as he has promised.  Mad. 
He never breaks a promise with any of us 'though he fail all the honest part o'the world: But I trust you are not taken with the Ruffian, you'll ne'er get penny by him.  Exeunt Nic. Anth. and Clodp. Dam. 
I prithee peace, I care not.  Enter Rafe. Ra. 
But mistress, there is a Gallant now below, a Jingle boy indeed, that has his pockets full of, crowns that chide for vent. Shall I call him up to you.  Dam. 
I will see no man.  Mad. 
How's that? I hope you jest.  Dam. 
Indeed, I hope you jest.  Mad. 
You will not hinder the house, I hope. Marry heigh. This were a humour and 'twould last. Go fetch him up.  Dam. 
I'll fly then out at window. Nay, by this steel 'tis true.  Mad. 
What's the matter? have I got a mad woman into the house. What do you go about to break me the first day of your coming, before you have hanselled a Couch or a Bedside in't. Were you but now all o'th' heigh to set yourself out for a sign with your fiddle come twang, and promise such wonders, forsooth, and will not now be seen. Pray what's the Riddle.  Dam. 
I'll tell thee all anon. Prithee excuse me. I know thy share of his sin's bounty would not come to thus much, take it, I give it thee. And prithee let me be honest till I have a mince to be otherwise, and I'll hinder thee nothing.  Ma. 
Well, I'll dismiss the Gallant, and send you, Sirrah, for another wench. I'll have Bess Bufflehead again. This kicksy-wincy wincy Giddibrain will spoil all I'll no more Italian tricks.—  Ex. with Rafe 
Thus some have by the frenzy of despair  
Fumously run into the sea to throw  
Their wretched bodies, but when come near  
They saw the billows rise, heard borea's blow,  
And horrid death appearing on the Main,  
A sudden fear hath sent them back again.    

Act. II.  

Scaen. I.  Enter Mihill. Taylor. Shoemaker. Mi. 
NAy, but honest Shoemaker; thy honest price.  Sho. 
I tell you intruth, Sir, 'tis as good a boot as ever you pulled on in your life.  Mi. 
A little too straight, I doubt. What do you think o' my boots honest Tailor.  Tay. 
They do exceeding handsomely, never trust me Sir.  Mi. 
Never fear it Tailor, you shall trust me, and please you.  Tay. 
You are pleasant Sir.  Mi. 
And what do you think of my suit Shoemaker? can you say as much for the Tailor as he for you.  Sho. 
A very neat suit, Sir, and becomes you excellent.  Mi. 
Honest men both, and hold together; one would little think you were so near neighbours. Well, you, have fitted me both, I must confess. But how I shall fit you, now there's the point.  Tay. 
There's but one way for than and please you.  Sho. 
With paying us our money Sit.  Mi. 
Still both in a tale, I can not but commend your neighbourhood, I muse my Laundress stays, I sent her three or four ways for moneys. But do not you stay for that. I have ways enough to pay you. I have ploughs a going that you dream not of.  Tay. 
No indeed, Sir, we dream of nothing but ready money, sleeping or waking.  Mi. 
I shall be rich enough ne'er fear't. I have a venture in the new soap business man.  Tay. 
We are but servants, Sir. And our Masters themselves have no faith, in slippery projects.  Sho. 
Besides, the women begin to grumble against that slippery project shrewdly, and, 'tis feared, will mutiny shortly.  Mi. 
byrlakin, and they may prove more troublesome than a commotion of Sailors.  Enter Laundress. 
O welcome, Laundress, where's the money.  Laun. 
Not a penny of money, Sir, can I get. But here's one come to town has brought you enough, and you can have grace to finger it.  Mi. 
Who's that I prithee.  Laun. 
Your father, your father Sir. I met his man by great chance, who told me his Master means to steal upon you presently, and take you as he finds you.  Mi. 
Is he come up with his cross tricks. I heard he was to come. And that he means to live here altogether. He has had an aim these dozen years to live in town here, but never was fully bent on't until the Proclamation of restraint spurred him up. 'Tis such a Crossewill. Well, he is my father, and I am utterly undone if thou helpest me not now at a pinch, at a pinch, dear Laundress. Go borrow me a Gown, and some four or five Law-books? for, I protest, mine are in Duck-lane. Nay, trudge, sweet Laundress, trudge.— Ex. Laun. Honest Tailor and Shoemaker convey yourselves away quietly, and I'll pay you tomorrow, as I am a Gentleman:  Shoe. 
As I am a Shoemaker, and that's a kind of a Gentleman, you know, I'll not stir till I have my money, I am not an Ass Sir.  Mi. 
nobody says thou art.  Shoe. 
I have had too many such tricks put upon me i' my days.  Mi. 
A trick! as I hope for money it is no trick.  Shoe. 
Well Sir, trick or no trick. I must have my money or my boots, and that's plain dealing.  Mi. 
A pox o'th' boots, so my legs were out of 'em. Would they were i'thy throat, spurs and all, you will not out.  Shoe. 
No marry will we not.  Tay. 
Well-said Shoemaker, I commend thee, thou hast a better heart than I, though my stomach's good.  Enter Laundress. Mi. 
O well said, my good Laundress. How am I bound to thee; yet all this won't do't Laundress. Thou must bestir thy stumps a little further, and borrow me a couple of Gowns more for these Rascals here that will not away.  Laun. 
How! won't away? And they were well served, they would be thrust out of doors for saucy companions. Your Masters would not put a Gentleman to his trumps thus.  M;. 
Nay, sweet Laundress, restrain thy tongue, and stretch thy feet. A couple of Gowns, good Laundress, and forget not caps. Ex. If I do now furnish you like Civil Lawyers, and you do not keep your countenances; if ever you do but peep in at the Hall-door at Christmas to see the revels, I'll have you set i'th' stocks for this believe it.  Sho. 
If you do, Sir, I may hap be even with you before the year comes about, and set you in our stocks for't.  Tay. 
But will you make Lawyers of us.  Mi. 
Have you a mind to have your money you unbelieving Rascals.  Shoc. 
I see your drift, and hope you'll prove an honest Gentleman.  Mi. 
Thou hast some hope, though no faith nor trust in any man.  Shoe. 
Alas, Sir, our Masters sit at great rents, and keep great families.  Mi. 
I cry you mercy, they are removed into the new plantation here, where, they say, are a tribe of Infidel-tradesmen, that have made a Law within yourselves to put no trust in Gentlemen. But bear yourselves handsomely here you were best. I am acquainted with a crew that haunts about your habitations, with whom I will join, and so batter your windows one of these nights else.— O welcome, Laundress, how dost thou toil for me.  Laun. 
Your father's talking, as I am a woman, below.— As thou art a woman below, well-said. Come on with these Gowns, and let's see how you'll look. If we had time, the Shoemaker should wash his face; but seeing there is no remedy; pull the cap in your eyes, and good enough. Now Laundress, set us stools, and leave us.  Laun. 
I hear him coming up.  Ex. Mi. 
Now let him come, we are ready for him. Shoemaker, keep your hand underneath the book, that the pitch do not discover you.  Sho. 
I warrant you, Sir.  Mi. 
And Taylor, be sure you have no Needle on your sleeve, nor thread about your neck.  Tay. 
I warrant you too for me, Sir.  Mi: 
He's entered.  Enter Croswill, Belt, and stand aside. Mi. 
Remitter, I say, is where a man hath two titles, that is to say, one of an elder, the other of a later. And he cometh to the land by the later title; yet the Law adjudgeth him to be in by the force of the elder title. If the tenant in the tail discontinue the tail, and after he diseaseth his discontinue, and so dieth seized, whereby the tenants descend to their issue, as to his Cousin inheritable by force of the tail. In this case the tenants descend, who have right by force of the tail, a Remitter in the tail taken for that in the Law, shall put and adjudge him to be in by force of descent. Pox on ye, speak something good or bad, somewhat.  Sho. 
The Remitter, you say, is seized i'th' tail.  Mi. 
Excellent Shoemaker, I say so, and again, I say, that if the tenant in the tail in feoff his son, or his Cousin, inheritable by force of the tail, the which son or cousin at the time of the feoffment is within age, and after the tenant in the tail dierh, this is a Remitter to the heir in the tail to whom the feoffment is made, now tailor.  Tay. 
Think you so, Sir.  Mi. 
Look either Fitzherbert, Perkins, or Dier, and you shall find it in the second part of Richard Cordelyon. So much for Remitter. Now I'll put a plain homespun case, as a man may say, which we call a moot-case.  Sho. 
I pray do Sir.  Cross. 
Some father might take joy of such a son now. This takes not me. No, this is not my way.  Mi. 
The case is this  (aside) 
pull up your grounds closer and be hanged, you are a Tailor, and you: a Shoemaker.  Sho. 
And you owe us money.  Mi. 
I put the case, I do, to you for a suit of clothes.  Tay. 
Well.  Mi. 
And to you for a pair of boots.  Sho. 
True.  Mi. 
I have broke my day with you both. Suppose so.  Both. 
Very well, we do.  Mi. 
You clap a Sergeant o' my back. I put in bail, remove it, and carry it up into the upper Court, with habeas-Corpus; bring it down again into the lower Court with procedendo; then take it from thence, and bring it into the Chancery with a Certiorari; I; and if you look not to it, bring it out of the Chancery again, and thus will I keep you from your money till your suit and your boots be worn out before you recover penny of me.  Sho. 
'slid but you shall not, your father shall know all first.  Mi. 
'Sfoot Shoemaker wilt thou be an Ass. I do but put a case, Have you not seen it tried.  Tay. 
Yes, very often.  Cross. 
Away with books. Away with Law. Away with madness. ay, God bless thee, and make thee his servant, and defend thee from Law, I say. Take up these books, sirrah, and carry them presently into Paul's Churchyard d'ee see, and change them all for Histories, as pleasant as profitable; Arthur of Britain, Primalion of Greece, Amadis of Gaul, and such like de see.  Mi. 
I hope he does but jest.  Cross. 
And do you hear, Sirrah.  Belt. 
I Sir.  Cross. 
Get Bells work, and you can, into the bargain.  Belt. 
Which Bell, Sir? Adam Bell, with Clim o'th' 'Clough, and William of Cloudesley.  Cros. 
Adam Bell you Ass? Valiant Bell that killed the Dragon.  Belt. 
You mean St. George.  Cros. 
Sir jolt-head, do I not. I'll teach you to chop logic, with me.  Mi. 
'sfoot, how shall I answer my borrowed books? Stay Belt. Pray Sir, do not change my books.  Cros. 
Sir, Sir, I will change them and you too: Did I leave thee here to learn fashions and manners, that thou mightst carry thyself like a Gentleman, and dost thou waste thy brains in learning a language that I understand not a word of? ha! I had been as good have brought thee up among the wild Irish.  Mi. 
Why alas Sir, Had I not better keep myself within my Chamber, at my Study, then be rioting abroad, wasting both money and time, which is more precious than money? if you did know the inconvenience of company, you would rather encourage and commend my retired life, than any ways dehort me from it.  Cros. 
Why Sir did not I keep company think you when I was young? Ha!  Ml. 
Yes Sir; but the times are much altered, and youth more corrupted now, they did not drink and wench in those days, but nay, o 'tis abominable in these.  Cros. 
Why this is that I feared, the boys turning meacock too, after his elder brother, 'twas time to look to him.  Nick. Rookesbill. Ant. Clotp. Nich. 
Why Croswill Mich What, not up yet and be hanged. Or ha' ye a wench a-bed weigh. Is this keeping your home. Mihil runs to the door and holds it.  Mi. 
'sfoot the Rogue Rooksbil and his crew, I feared as much.  Nic. 
Break open the door, let me come to't.  Mi. 
Forbear, or be hanged, you will undo me, my father's here. I'll meet you anon as I am honest.  Nic. 
Your father's a Clutterdepouch. Nay, I will come then, what Mademoiselle do you call father.  They Enter. Mi. 
You would not believe me. Pray be civil.  Ant. 
'Tis so, we will Cry mercy, you are busy, we will not moot today then?  Mi. 
I hope you may excuse me, I'll be w'ye anon.  Nic. 
Come to the Goat Capricorn. We have the bravest new discovery.  Ex. Cros. 
How now! what are these?  Mi. 
They are Gentlemen of my standing, Sir, that have a little overstudied themselves, and are somewhat—.  Cros. 
Mad; are they not? And so will you be shortly, if you follow these courses. Mooting do they call it? you shall moot nor mute here no longer. Therefore on with your cloak and sword, follow me to the Tavern and leave me such long-tailed company as these are, for I do not like them.  Mi. 
No more do I, Sir, if I knew how to be rid of 'em.  Cros. 
I think thou hast ne'er a sword, hast thou, ha?  Mi. 
Yes Sir.  Cros. 
Where is it, Sir, let me see't Sir.  Mi. 
'Tis here, under my bed, Sir.— Reach it.  Cros. 
Why there's a lawyer's trick right, make his weapon companion with his pisspot. Fie, fie, here's a tool indeed. There's money, Sir, buy you a good one, one with the Mathematical hilt as they term it.  Mi. 
It would do better in Mathematical books. Sir, offer me no money, pray Sir, but for books.  Cros. 
Go to, you are a peevish Jack, do not provoke me: do not you owe me obedience? ha!  Mi. 
Yes Sir, I acknowledge it.  Cros. 
'Tis good you do. Well, take that money; and put yourself into clothes befitting your rank, Do so. And let me see you, squirting about without a weapon, like an Attorneys Clerk in term-time, and I'll weapon you, What, shall I have a Noddy of you. This frets him to the liver. Go to, never hang the head for the matter. For I tell thee I will have it so, and herein be known what I am.  [Aside Mi. 
You are known sufficiently for your cross humour already; in which I'll try you if I can make you double this money, for this will not serve my turn.  Cros. 
What have you told it after me, you had best weigh it too.  Mi. 
No Sir, but I have computed that for my present use, here is too much by half, pray Sir, take half back.  Cros. 
Body o' me, what a perverse knave is this, to cross me thus! Is there too much, say you? ha.  Mi. 
Yes truly, sir.  Cros. 
Let me see't. Go thy ways, take thy musty books, and rhy rusty whittle here again. And take your foolish plodding dunci-coxcombly course, till I look after you again. Come away sirrah.  Ex. with Belt. Mi. 
'sfoot, who's the Gull now? Taylor, Shoemaker, you may go pawn your Gowns for any money I am like to have.  Shoo. 
We have all played the Lawyers to pretty purpose, in pleading all this while for nothing. Well sir, to avoid further trouble, I am content to withdraw my action, that is, pull off your boots again, and be jogging.  Tayl. 
And for my part, sir, I can do no less than take you by default and nonsuit you.  Enter Belt. Mi. 
Very good Lawyers both, Is my father quite gone Belt?  Belt. 
Gone in a tempest of high displeasure, sir: And has sent you here all the money he had about him; and bids you refuse it if you dare, 'tis above twice the sum he offered you before; but good sir, do not refuse it. He swears he will try whether you or he shall have his will. Take heed you cross him not too much.  Mi. 
Well at thy request, because thou shalt not have anger for carrying it back again, I will accept.  Belt. 
I thank you Sir. Consider, he's your father, sir.  Mi. 
I do most Reverend Belt. and would be loath to cross him, although I may as much in taking his money as refusing it, for aught I know, for thou knowest 'tis his custom to cross me, and the rest of his children in all we do, to try and urge his obedience; 'tis an odd way: therefore to help myself I seem to covet the things that I hate, and he pulls them from me; and makes show of loathing the things I covet, and he hurls them doubly at me, as now in this money.  Belt. 
Are you so crafty?  Mi. 
Yes, but do thou put it in his head, and I'll pick out thy brains.  Belt. 
You never knew an old Servingman treacherous to his young Master: what? to the hopes o'th' house; you will be heir, that's questionless: for to your comfort, your elder brother grows every day more fool than the other. But now the rest of the message is, that you make haste, and come to my Master to the Goat in Covent-Garden, where he dines with his new Landlord today.  Mi. 
He has taken a house then.  Belt. 
O, a most delicate one, with a curious balcony and all belonging to't most stately.  Mi. 
At the Goat does he dine, sayest thou.  Belt. 
Yes sir.  Mi. 
My crew are gone thither too. Pray Mars we fall not foul of one another. Well, go thy way, present my duty to him, I'll follow presently. Tell him I took his money with much unwillingness.  Belt. 
As Lawyers do their fees. Let me alone sir.  Ex. Mi. 
Well Tailor and Shoemaker; you have put me to't, but here's your money.  Shoo. 
'Twas for that we did put you to't Sir.  Mi. 
Let's see your bill Tailor  Tai. 
Here 'tis, sir, as ready as a watchman's.  Mi. 
Then good words will pass it, 7 li. 4. sh. tell your money; yours is 14 sh. boots and galoshes. There 'tis and 12. d. to drink.  Shoo. 
I thank your worship.  Mi. 
Are you right Tailor.  Tai. 
Yes and please you Sir.  Mi. 
There's a shilling for you too, to spend in bread.  Shoo. 
He knows both our diets. We'll make bold to take leave of your worship.  Mi. 
Not so bold as I'm glad I'm too well rid of you, most courteous Gentlemen.  Ex. Ta. Sh. 
To see what money can do; that can change men's manners, alter their conditions: how tempestuous the slaves were without it. O thou powerful metal! what authority is in thee! Thou art the Key to all men's mouths. With thee a man may lock up the jaws of an informer, and without thee he cannot the lips of a Lawyer.  Ex.  

Scoen. II.  Enter Crossewill, Rookesbill, Gabriel, Katherine, Lucy. Cros. 
Down boy, and bid the Cook hasten dinner.  Dra. 
What will you please to drink in the mean time, sir.  Cros. 
I will not drink in the mean time, sir, Get you gone.  Dra. 
A fine old humorous Gentleman.  Cros. 
Hold up your head, Sirrah, and leave your precise folly. I'll leave you to the wild world else, d'ee see. Is the name of a Tavern so odious to you? Ha. Your brother has vexed me sufficiently already, and perhaps he'll refuse to come too! If he dares let him. Welcome Mr. Rooksbil, welcome Landlord, and your fair daughter, welcome pretty one. Trust me a pretty one indeed, pray be acquainted with my daughter there. In your Maiden-company, I hope she will not think the Tavern such a bug's nest as she did. I had much ado to draw my rebellious children to the Tavern after me.  Rook. 
And truly, sir, 'tis the first to my knowledge that ere my daughter came into.  Cros. 
All in good time, she may increase in virtue. But if it be a fault, (as i' my conscience in his thought it is a great transgression) my unsettledness, and unprovidedness else, where or how to entertain a friend, or feed myself, may well excuse us all, d'ee see.  Rook. 
O Sir, I cannot enough admire that virtue in your son.  Cros. 
It is a vice, as much a vice or more, as is your sons, your castaways as you call him, that sucks no other air, than that of Taverns, Tap-houses, Brothels, and such like. I would their extreme qualities could meet each other at halfway, and so mingle their superfluities of humour unto a mean betwixt 'em. It might render them both allowable subjects, where now the one's a fire-drake in the air, and tother a mandrake in the earth, both mischievous, see how he stands like a mole-catcher. What dirty dogged humour was I in when I got him trow?  Rookes. 
howe'er his carriage seems distasteful unto you, I could afford (with your allowance, to make conditions of estate agreeable) to give all that is mine to him with my daughter.  [Aside Cros. 
What a mechanic slave is this, to thank a son of mine, howe'er I underrate him, a fit mate to mingle blood with his more-ditch breed. True, his estate is great, I understand it, but of all foul I love not Moorhens. Such another motion would stir me to roar him down the tavernstairs.  Rooks. 
What do you think on't sirs.  Cros. 
Heaven grant me patience.  Rooks. 
Will you consider of it Master Crosswill.  Cros. 
I was never so put to't. I wish we had a stickler. I muse that Master Cockbrayne stays thus.  Rooks. 
You do not mind my motion sir.  Cros. 
Uds precious I mind nothing, I am so crossed in mind that I can mind nothing, nor I will mind nothing, d'ee see. Why comes not Mr. Cockbrain, Ha!  Rooks. 
Yet you mind him it seems. But he, sir, cannot come, and desires you to hold him excused. He's gone about some special undertaking, for the good of the Commonwealth, he says.  Cros. 
Fart for his undertaking; all the world is bent to cross me. What is my young Master come? ha!  Enter Belt. Belt. 
My young Master Mr. Mihil will be here presently, he said he would follow me at heels, sir.  Cros. 
And why not come before you, sir. Does he not think that I have waited long enough, sir? sure I'll cross somebody under that knaves pate of yours, d'ye see.  Belt. 
Thus when anybody angers him, I am sure to hear on't.  Cros. 
So now my spleen is a little palliated, let me speak with you Mr. Rooksbill. Get you down, Sirrah; and bring me word, dinner is not ready, and I'll give you as much more, d'ye see.  Belt. 
That's his way to his stomach.  Kat. 
And is your brother that your father says is so ungracious, so well acquainted with my brother Mihil, say you.  Luc. 
Oh all in all, he's not so familiar with any man, if Mihil Croswill be your brother, as 'tis manifest.  Kat. 
I would not that my father knew it, for all I can expect from him but his blessing, but does your father know it?  Luc. 
No, I would not he should mistrust it for all he has, blessing and all; and now that I have found you love your brother so well, I will make over my reason and my counsel in trust with you, hoping you will not wrong that trust.  Kat. 
If I do, may the due price of treachery be my reward.  Luc. 
I love your brother, Lady, and he loves me. The only good act that ever my brother did, was to bring us acquainted, and is indeed all that he has to live on. For I do succour him with many a stolen piece for the felicity he brought me in your brother's love. Now, my father, whose irreconcilable hate has for ever discarded my brother, should he but dream of their acquaintance, would poison all my hopes.  Kat. 
But let me ask you, is there an hope betwixt you and my brother ever to come together?  Luc. 
Yes, and a way he has for't, which I understand not yet.  Kat. 
Trust me, I pity you both, your case is very dangerous.  Luc. 
Love's above all adventures, the more hard the achievement is, the sweeter the reward.  Kat. 
I like her spirit well.  Cros. 
You Sir, come hither, what is hammering in your head now?  
Is't not some Synodical question to put unto the brethren, concerning Whitson-ales and May-games? ha!  Gab. 
Surely sir, I was premeditating a fit thanksgiving to be rendered before meat in. Taverns, according to the present occasion which the time and place administereth, and that as the spirit shall enable me, shall be delivered before you in due season.  Cros. 
I am glad I know your mind; for that trick, my zealous son, you shall come in at half-dinner, like a Chafing-dish of coals, when the sauce is cold, to make use of the heat of your spirit; d ye see. I love not meat twice dressed.  Rook. 
Good sir, put the Proposition to him, that I made my affection to him, urges it more and more, I never was so taken with a man.  Cros. 
But what's that to your daughter? ha!  Rook. 
The same affection governs her, she is not mine else.  Cros 
Well, hold your peace, and was that your spiritual meditation?  Gab. 
Yes, verily.  Cros. 
Come Sir, at this Gentleman's request I will now put a question to you concerning the flesh. What, think you of yond Virgin there his daughter? can you affect her so well as to wish her to be your wedded wife?  Gab. 
You mean, espoused in holy Matrimony.  Cros. 
Yes, I mean so.  Gab. 
hum hum hum Psalm tune. How happy.  Cros. 
But do thou say, yes verily to that, and as I hope to have peace in my grave. I'll break the king's peace on thy pate presently.  Gab. 
It is a weighty question, and requires due premeditation in a religious answer, pray give me leave to take advice—  Rook. 
What says he, Sir?  Cros. 
He says he will talk with a cunning man about her.  Rook. 
Sure you mistake him, sir.  Vint. 
You are welcome, Gentlemen. Will. Harry, Zachary.  Goat names. Gab. 
Zachary is a good name.  Vint. 
Where are you? he (rings the bell) show up into the Phoenix. Is the Checque empty?  Cross. 
Heyday, here's a din.  Draw. 
A pottle of canary to the Dolphin, score.  Vint. 
You're welcome, Gentlemen, take up the lily-pot.  [Knock Draw. 
Half a dozen of clean pipes and a candle for the Elephant. They take their own tobacco.  Pots fly clink. Vintner 
Whose room do they foul Sirrah, Harry, Harry?  (Bell) Gab. 
Do Elephants take tobacco?  Vint. 
Carry up a Jordan for the Maidenhead, and a quart of white muskadine for the blue Boar.  Run down the stairs. Cros. 
Now methinks, the muskadine for the Maidenhead, and the Jordan for the Boar were better.  Fiddlers below tuning. 
Knock above, and a pot thrown. Why boys, drawer, rogues, take up, (below) By and by, by and by, (above) Wine, tobacco.  Cros. 
What variety of noises is here? and all excellent ill sounds. (Above) Call up the Fiddlers, Sirrah.  Gab. 
Such cries as these went forth before the desolation of the great City.  [Fiddling rude tunes. 
O profane tinkling the cymbals of Satan; that tickle the care with vanity, to lift up the mind to lewdness. Mine ears shall be that of the Adder against the Song of the Serpent.  Rook. 
O rare, in a young man!  Gab. 
I will roar out aloud to drown your Incantations. Yea, I will set out a throat even as the beast that belloweth.  Rook. 
Most happy youth!  Cros. 
Hold your peace, Sirrah, or I'll make you bellow for something.  Enter Mihil, Nick. Mi. 
Sfoot-back, Nick to your own room. Thy father's here too, as I breathe.  Nick. 
I vow?  Ex. Mi. 
My lucy too, as I live. How the devil got they acquainted? Sure he's his Landlord 'Tis so.  Cros. 
Dare you come, sir, you should have stayed now till you had been sent for.  Mi. 
Verily, sir.  Cros. 
Are you at your Verilies too? ha!  Mi. 
But for displeasing you, I had rather have grazed on Littleton's Commons, or ha' fasted this fortnight, then come for my repast into this Wilderness; but you will ha' it so  Cros. 
You are in the right Sir, I'll have it so indeed, I'll know why I shall not else. What do you know nobody here?  Mi. 
I cry them mercy, my good brother,— and my loving sister.  Rook. 
But what virtuous men has this man to his sons, and how they thrive in grace against his will, it seems.  Mi. 
What Gentlewoman is this of your acquaintance, Sister?  Luc. 
'Tis well dissembled brother, but I know your cunning.  Mi. 
Have you betrayed me?  Luc. 
Mum Mr. Mihil, mum.  Vint. 
Harry, Harry.  Enter Drawer hastily. Draw. 
By and by.  Draw. 
What devil art thou that roarest in mine ear so.  [Beats the Drawer. Draw. 
Hold, I beseech you, I come to wait upon you.  Cros. 
What, with a By and by, that strikes into my head as sharp as a Stellatto.  Draw. 
I come to tell you, sir, that your table's covered in a fairer Room, and more private, your meat is ready to go up, and all in a readiness.  Cros. 
Now thou art an honest fellow, there's a couple of shillings for thee. Have us out of thy windmill here, I prithee, and thy By and by's.  Exeunt omnes.   

Act. III  

scene 1.  Enter Captain Driblow, Clotpoll, Nick, Anthony, Drawer, A Table, Pot and Glasses. 
GO Sirrah, make your reckoning for our dinner. Leave us this wine, and come when we call you. We have business.  Draw. 
I shall, sir, by and by.  Capt. 
Well, sir, you will be of both you say, the Blade and the Battoon?  Clot. 
Of both, sir, by all means, both Philoblathicus and Philobatticus, I. I'll now have all that belongs to your order, or all my money again, that's for a certain.  Capt. 
Your money again? lo you there. You bring me a fit man, Gentlemen to be sworn, do you not? that talks of money again, when 'tis a main Article in the Oath, never to look for money again, once disfingered.  Nick. 
You will not spoil all now 'tis come so far? will you?  Clot. 
Well sir, when I have my Oath, and that I am sworn one of you. I'll do as you do, and care as little for money as he that has least.  Capt. 
Well, to the Oath then, for both the Bsade and the Battoon you say?  Clot. 
I by all means, Captain, for both. 'Slid the Battoon may stick to me, when the Blade may fly out o'th' Hilts.  Ant. 
Yes, to the Brokers.  Capt. 
Lay your hands on these Hilts, sir. The Articles that you depose unto are these, To be true and faithful unto the whole Fraternity of the Blade and the Battoon, and to every member thereof.  Clot. 
As ever faithful member was.  Capt. 
That at no time, wittingly or ignorantly, drunk or sober, you reveal or make discovery of the Brother, or a member of the Brotherhood, of his lodging, haunts, or by-walks, to any Creditor, Officer, Sutler, or such like dangerous or suspicious person.  Clot. 
I defy them all.  Capt. 
That if any of the Brotherhood be in restraint or distress by imprisonment, sickness, or whatsoever engagement, you make his case your own, and your purse and your travel his; and that if a brother die or finish his days, by end timely or untimely, by Surfeit, Sword, or Law. You wear the sable order of the Ribbon in remembrance of him.  Clot. 
A convenient cheap way of mourning.  Capt. 
That your purse and weapon to the utmost of your strength, be on all occasions drawn to the assistance or defence of a Brother or Brother's friend, be it he, be it she.  Clot. 
I understand you, and shall be as forward to fight for a She-friend, as ever the best man in the mirror of Knighthood was for an honest woman.  Capt. 
That you be ever at deadly defiance with all such people, as Protections are directed to in Parliament, and that you watch all occasions to prevent or rescue Gentlemen from the gripes of the Law brissons. That you may thereby endear yourself into noble society, and drink the juice of the varlet's labours for your officious intrusions.  Clot. 
And that will go down bravely.  Capt. 
You must rank yourself so much the better man, by how much the more drink you are able to purchase at others costs.  Clot. 
Excellent.  Cupt. 
You are to let no man take wall of you, but such as you suppose will either beat you or lend you money.  Clot. 
Better and better still.  Capt. 
The rest of your duties for brevity's sake you shall find specified in that copy of your Order. Kiss the book.  Clot. 
I'll swear to them whatsoever they be.  
So, now I am a Blade, and of a better Row than those of Tytere tu, or Oatmeal hoe, and so an health to our Fraternity, and in chief to our Noble Captain Driblow.  [Drinks. Nick. Ant. 
Agreed, Agreed.  Capt. 
Now are you to practise or exercise your quality on the next you meet that is not of the Brotherhood.  Enter Mihil. Clot. 
Are you one of the Brotherhood sir, of the Philoblathici.  Mi. 
I had else lost much sir, I have paid all dues belonging to it.  Clot. 
So have I as I hope to gain honour by't 40 li. thick at least; yet I have this left, please you command the half sir.  Mi. 
Another time, your reckoning is not yet paid perhaps.  [Clot. puts his money in his pocket. Clot. 
'Tis the first money of mine that was refused since my coming to Town. I shall save infinitely.  
I see now that I am sworn. How would I swear to get by it.  Capt. 
Take heed of that, Come hither son.  Mi. 
How have you screwed this youth up into this humour, that was such a dry miserable Clown but two days since.  Nick. 
The old way, by watching of him, and keeping him high-flown a matter of forty eight hours together.  Ant. 
Men are apt to believe strange fancies in their liquor, and to entertain new opinions.  Mi. 
I have fastened three or four cups upon my precise brother. I would 'twere as many pottles, so it would convert him into the right way of good fellowship.  Nick. 
I would we could see him, to try what good we could do upon him.  Ant. 
Perhaps we might convert him.  Mi. 
He's above still with the old men. I stole from him, but to see if your Italic Mistress were come yet. Your Madam.  Nick. 
No, she comes anon; but is my affliction above still.  Mi. 
Thy father? yes  Nick. 
Prithee do not call him my father less he took better courses.  Mi. 
And so is thy Sister; the little Rogue looks so squeamishly on me, and I on her, as we had never seen before; but the foolish Ape out of a present affection she has taken to my Sister, has discovered to her the whole discourse of our love, and my familiarity with thee, which were enough to spoil all, if it were discovered to the old folks, before my cards were played.  Nick. 
Well, remember Mr. Mihil, you have promised me half, if the old dogged fellow give her all, and you marry her.  Mi. 
Thou canst not doubt me.  Nick 
You know I can spoil all when I list, but to show my countenance in your cause.  Mi. 
Such is your virtue, Sir. Well, I'll up to 'em again before I be missed; and when they part, I am for you again.  Ex. Capt. 
I have given you all the rudiments, and my most fatherly advices withal.  Clot. 
And the last is that I should not swear, how make you that good? I thought now I was sworn into this Brotherhood, I might have sworn what, and as much as I would.  Capt. 
That's most unnecessary, for look you son, the best, and even the lewdest of my sons do forbear it, not out of conscience, but for very good ends; and in stead of an Oath furnish the mouth with some affected Protestation. As I am honest, it is so. I am no honest man if it be not. Ud take me, if I lie to you. Never-go, ne'er stir, l vow, and such like.  Clot. 
Or never credit me or let me never be trusted.  Capt. 
O take heed of that, that may be spoken in so ill an hour, that you may run out of reputation, and never be trusted indeed; the other will gain you credit, and bring you into good and civil estimation with your Hostesses; and make 'em term you a fair conditioned Gentleman if he had it; and truly I never heard worse word come out of his mouth.  Clot. 
Never-go, never-stir, I vow. I'll have, I vow then.  Ant. 
I vow, but you shall not, that's mine.  Clot 
can't you lend it me now and then brother? I'll have, I swear then, and come as nigh swearing as I can.  Nick. 
I swear but you must not, that's mine you know.  Clot. 
I protest then, I'll have I protest, that's a City-word, and best to cozen with.  Clot. 
Come boys, fall to some practice, Let me see about at the new French balls, sprung out of the old English vapours  Clot. 
I protest come on. I'll make a third man.  Ant. 
Whose man are you?  Nick. 
Whose man is not to be asked, nor scarce whose subject, now he is of our Brotherhood.  Clot. 
Yes, by your favour he may ask.  Ant. 
I ask no favour, sir.  Nick. 
That may be granted.  Clot. 
You can grant nothing in this kind.  Ant. 
I vow he may grant any thing of any kind.  Nick. 
I swear, I neither can, nor will grant that.  Clot. 
That, I protest, may bear exception indeed.  Ant. 
Exceptions amongst us? nay, than I vow.—  Nick. 
I swear.  Clot. 
And I protest—  [Up with their Battoons Capt. 
Part fair my boys; 'tis very well performed; now drink a round to qualify this bout.  Enter Cockbrain. All. 
Agreed on all parts.  Cock. 
Look upon me ye commonwealth's men now, like a State-Surgeon, while I search and try  
The ulcerous core of foul enormity.  
These are a parcel of those venomous weeds,  
That rankly pester this fair Garden-plot.  
Whose boisterous growth is such, that I must use  
More policy than strength to reach their root,  
And hoist them up at once.  
This is my way to get within 'em.  Ant. 
So, 'tis gone round.  Nick. 
I muse these Mumpers come not.  Clot. 
Best send a boy.  Nick. 
Drawer, ha! where be those Rascals? (Within) By and by.  Nick. 
Are you one of 'em, sir?  Cock. 
I am one that has the favour of the house, sir?  Nick. 
To intrude into gentlemen's privacies? ha!  Cock. 
To seek a poor living and 't please you, by picking up the crumbs of your liberality, for the use of my rare qualities.  Nick. 
And what's your quality?  Cock. 
It is to speak or sing ex tempore upon any Theme, that your fancy or the present occasion shall administer.  Nick. 
Can you drink before you lay your lips to't  [Glass in's face. Cock. 
O my weak eyesight.  Clot. 
Or can you eat a crust without chawing, made of the Flower of Battoon.  Cock. 
O good Gentlemen, forbear, I beseech you.  Clot. 
The flower of Battoon. I protest a good jest, and 'twas mine own before I was aware, for he had the Maidenhead or first-blow of my Battoon. Nay, it shall down.  Cock. 
I will not yet desist; but suffer private affliction with a Roman resolution for the public welfare, with full assurance that my fortitude shall at last get within 'em.  Nick. 
You are not satisfied, it seems, you Rascal, get you gone.  [Kicks him. Ant. 
Phew! beat not the poor fellow so.  Clot. 
Let me come to him again, and flesh myself upon him. I will not only flesh myself, but tire upon him.  Cock. 
Enough, enough, good Gentlemen, you have beaten me enough of conscience. Was ever good Patriot so rudely handled? but the end crowns all.  Capt. 
Forbear him sons. What canst thou be, that canst not be satisfied with beating? speak, art a man or a Ghost?  Cock. 
I have been, Sir, a man, and of my hands, howe'er misfortune humbles me under your manhoods. But I have seen the face of war, and served in the Low-countries, though I say't, on both sides.  Clot. 
Then 'tis impossible this fellow can be beat out of countenance.  Mick. 
We'll leave him in his quality for that constant virtue.  Capt. 
Sure, 'tis Fenner or his Ghost. He was a rhyming soldier. Look, do his eyes stand right?  Cock. 
They had a dish e'en now, sir.  Nick. 
Of sack, 'tis true here, take another, and wash the inside of your Throat. And let us hear your pipes in their right tune.  Cock. 
Give me a theme Gentlemen.  Nick. 
The praise of sack. Sing the praise of sack.  Ant. 
Let it be of the Blade.  Clot. 
And the Battoon, I beseech you.  Draw. 
Do you call, Gentlemen?  Nick. 
I vow, I will have sack.  Draw. 
Tother quart of canary? you shall.  [Takes pot. Nick. 
Are your ears so quick? I vow, I'll dull 'em.  Draw. 
Anon, anon.  Nick. 
I say, a song of Sack.  Capt. 
ay, let it be of Sack.  Nick. 
Now you pump, do you?  Cock. 
No, sir, but think of a tune.  Clot. 
If he can pump us up a spring of Sack, we'll keep him, and break half the Vintners in Town.  (Song. Now B. and Clot. asks Gabriel, Are you a brother. They fall in the burden.) Nick. 
I vow, well-said.  Ant. 
I swear, 'twas well.  Clot. 
I protest the best that I have heard in this kind. I wonder at his ability. I prithee, art not acquainted with my two Poetical Drury-lane Writers? the Cobbler and the Tapster.  Cock. 
No sir, not I, I work not their way. What I do is ex tempore after the Theme given.  Cock. 
But they run quite before you. Their Works are in print sometimes. and ready to be sung about streets, of men that are hanged before they come to the Gallows.  Ant. 
But did not Mihil say he would come again.  Nick. 
I marvel at his stay.  Clot. 
ay, and the Mumpers, when come they? I long to see the Sisters, now I am a brother sworn and entered.  Enter Pig. Nick. 
O here comes news. How now pig?  Pig. 
You must all presently to the Paris Tavern.  Nick. 
Must? at whose suit!  Pig. 
Mr. Mihil bade me tell you so.  Ant. 
Is he gone from hence?  Pig. 
He is, and all his gone and dispersed.  Nick. 
Then the old Jew my father's gone.  Pig. 
Only there's one delicate demure Gentleman with Mr. Mihil. travelled along with him towards Paris. I believe he means to make a mouth of him.  Nick. 
O, 'tis his precise brother. But where's thy Mistress, and Madama Damaris? that they come not.  Pig. 
They desire to meet you there too, 'tis more private.  Ant. 
Away we'll follow thee.  Clot. 
Pig, how does thy father Hog, the Turkey Merchant?  Pig. 
I am in haste, Sir.  Ex. Ant. 
Why Turkey Merchant?  Pig. 
Because he trades in nothing but Turkey commodities; Eggs and Concubines; 'twere well to geld him, and send him to the Grand signior, to wait in his Seraglio.  Enter Drawer. Nick. 
Thou hast such a wit in this Clotpoll of thine. The Reckoning Drawer.  Draw. 
Here, here, Sir; here's your bill.  Capt. 
Let see the sum. What is't Drawer? 40. sh. and 3. d. Si, your dinner, and what you had since, in all, sir.  Captain 
'Tis very reasonable, Commend me to thy Master. Son Clotpoll pay't. It is your duty.  Clot. 
Yes, for my Brothership.  Capt. 
boys, I must leave you.  Cock. 
40. sh. for four men's dinners, note that, yet he says 'tis reasonable.  Draw. 
Good Captain, He was ever the fairest Reckoner, though he has never the luck to pay any thing.  Ant. 
Fare you well, father.  Nick. 
When we have further occasion, we'll repair to your lodging.  Clot. 
At Bloomesbury. Father, I know.  Cock. 
Bloomsbury? good, I note it.  Capt. 
Sirrah, look to the second Article of your Oath.  Clot. 
Against discovery of lodgings, haunts, or by-walks, I am warned.  Capt. 
Look that you be so.  Ex. Capt. Nick. 
40. sh. and 3. d. you'll bate the 3. d. will you not?  Draw. 
We'll not much stand for that Sir, though our Master sits at dear rent.  Nick. 
Give me your two pieces.  Ant. 
Pray let me see the bill before you pay it.  Nick. 
Well, I can hold it then.  Ant. 
Bread and beer, 1. sh. 4. d. I do not think we four could eat 3. d. of bread, and for my part, I drank but two glasses of beer.  Nick. 
And I but one, I vow.  Clot. 
And my father and I but one betwixt us, I protest.  Draw. 
Ha' you no men below?  Nick. 
Below the earth dost mean? I am sure we have none aboveground.  Draw. 
I know not, Gentlemen, there's so much reckoned at the bar, and you please you may see it.  Ant. 
Nay, an't be at the bar, it stands for Law. Well, wine 5 sh. 9. d. I think we had no less. A Shoulder of Mutton stuffed with Oysters 8. sh. that cost your Master very near ten groats, a brace of Partridge 5. sh. a couple of Cocks 4. sh. 6. d. a dozen of Larks 20. d. anchovies 6. sh. I swear but a saucer full.  Draw. 
I'll be sworn they are so much reckoned in the Kitchen.  Ant. 
All's law, I tell you, all's law in Taverns. But I hope there will be a law for you one o'these days. Then is their Fruit and Cheese, tobacco, Fire, and I know not what, is't right cast.  Cock. 
There is more hope of that young man, then of all the rest, indeed it is a sore abuse, another very weed in the city. I do note that also.  Nick. 
Sirrah, before you have your money, fetch me a glass of Beer. But canst thou sing this upon any subject.  Cock. 
Any sir, any, an't be till midnight.  Ex. Nick. 
But you have strange helps to your invention. I did note the rolling o' th' eye, and rubbing your Brows sometimes.  Clot. 
So did I, I protest, and therefore, I tell you what. If he can sing such another Song, and look steadfastly the while upon any thing, and hold his hands behind him. I'll give him half a crown; if not, he shall ha' nothing for tother.  Cock. 
Agreed Gentlemen, give me your Theme.  Ant. 
You shall give it him.  Nick. 
And withal, watch him if he stir hand or eye, especially the eye.  Clot. 
I will I protest, and set mine eye against his, that he shall not twink, but I'll perceive it, and lay him o'er the pare.  Cock. 
Well Sir, your Theme.  Clot. 
In praise of the Battoon, and if you miss it you shall be sure on't.  Cock. 
You'll help me with the burden, Gentlemen.  Nick. 
Yes, yes, for the more grace of the Song.  Clot. 
Take you no care for that. Set your eyes and begin.  

SONG.  

To prove the Battoon the most noble to be.  
Of all other weapons observe his degree,  
In Field to be Leader of all other Arms,  
To conquest and honour, through hazard and harms.  
The Gallant and Peasant, the Lord and the Loon.  
Must move by the motion of the Leaders Battoon.  
O give me the Battoon.   

The Pike and the halberd are subject to it.  
The Ensign, the partisan, all must submit,  
To advance, or retire, fall back, or come on.  
As they are directed by the Leaders Battoon.  
Then it is to the Soldier the greatest Renown,  
To purchase by service to bear the Battoon.  
O give me the Battoon.    Clot. 
Marry, and take it Sir, why do you stare about? though you have broke Covenant, I have not.  Cock. 
Where be the Gentlemen?  Clot. 
Ha! they are not gone, I hope, where be my brother's Drawer.  Enter Drawer. Draw. 
Gone sir, and have sent me to you for the reckoning.  Clot. 
I protest you jest, do you not? I gave 'em the full sum, and all the money I had, I protest, I swear, I vow, now they are not here, I may make bold with their words. They have my money, I am sure.  Draw. 
If you have no money, pray leave a pawn, sir.  Clot. 
Take him there, put him in a cage, and let him sing it out.  Draw. 
We know him not, sir.  Clat. 
No? he said he had the favour of the house to sing to Gentlemen.  Cock. 
I fear I shall be discovered, sir, I can give your worship credit for a piece till you come to your lodging.  Clot. 
Protest, thou art generous; nay, I know where to find'em; and thou shalt go with me to 'em, we will not part now, we'll shoune 'em. I vow, (the words out) here, I'll leave my sword for tother piece.  Draw. 
Your sword will not serve, sir, I doubt.  Clot. 
Take my coat too, a friend and a Battoon is better than a coat and a sword at all times.  Cock. 
I am glad my fear is over. And after all my sufferings, if at last  
Cock brain crow not these roaring Lions down,  
Let him be balladed about the Town.  Ex. omnes.  

Scoen. 2.  Enter lucy, Katharine, Belt. Luc. 
Let me now bid you welcome to my father's house, where till your own be fitted, though my father keep too private a family to express large entertainment, yet I hope at worst you shall ha' convenient lodging.  Kat. 
Indeed, I am glad that my father yielded to your father's friendly request in it; and the more, in regard he is so hard to be entreated to any thing; but especially for your society's sake, sweet Sister. Indeed I'll call you Sister always, and I hope you shall be shortly in my brother mihil's right.  Luc. 
I have laid open my heart to you, which indeed is his, but your father, I fear, will never be won.  Kat. 
Why you would not have him too, Sister, would you?  Luc. 
His consent I would, and my fathers, I hope, would easily be wrought. You saw he was willing your other brother should have me at the first sight, merely for his reservedness, and Mihil methought carried himself as civil today as he; I mean, as civilly for a Gentleman, that should not look like one fathers of the Dutch Church at five and twenty.  Kat. 
He was put to't today. The noise of the Tavern had almost wrought his zeal into fury, it is scarce out of my head yet.  Luc. 
But you were about to tell me how he first fell into this vein, this vanity indeed.  Kat. 
I'll tell you now, and in that something worth your observation.  Luc. 
I will observe you.  Kat. 
My father has an humour, not to like any thing at first, nor accept best courtesies of friends, though presently he finds 'em most commodious to him; things that he knows not how to be without, and oftentimes desires with the same breath the things he vilified, and scorned them the last syllable he spoke before. You saw when your father offered him the use of his house here, till his own be furnished, he cried, hah ha! are all the houses in the Town yours Sir; and yet presently entreated for't, and thanked him.  Luc. 
That shows the best nature, they say.  Kat. 
But that is seldom attended by the best fortune. Nay, in us, I mean, his children, he will like nothing, no, not those actions which he himself cannot deny are virtuous; he will cross us in all we do, as if there were no other way to show his power over our obedience.  Luc. 
'Tis a strange fatherly care.  Kat. 
Now, note the punishment that follows it. There's not a child he has, though we all know what we do, that make any conscience of crossing him, we have so much of his good nature in us.  Luc. 
And that's as odd a duty in children.  Kat. 
I must confess it is a stubbornness.  
Yet for the most part we do nothing, but that which most Parents would allow in their children: and now for my brother Gabriel, with whom I must bring in the story of another Kinswoman of ours, my father had at home with us.  Luc. 
So.  Kat. 
Nay, mark, I pray you, as I would entreat an Auditory, if I now were a Poet to mark the Plot, and several points of my play, that they might not say when 'tis done, they understood not this or that, or how such a part came in or went out, because they did not observe the passages.  Luc. 
Well on, I pray.  Kat. 
My brother Gabriel, when he was a boy, nay, till within these two years, was the wildest untamed thing that the country could possibly hold.  Luc. 
So he is still for aught I know, for I think no man of his Religion in his wits.  Kat. 
I mean in outward conversation, he was the Ringleader of all the youthful Fry, to Fairs, to Wakes, to May-games, football-matches, any thing that had but noise and tumult in it; than he was Captain of the young train-band, and exercised the youth of twenty parishes in martial discipline. O he did love to imitate a soldier the best,— and so in every thing, that there was not an handsome maid in an whole County could be quiet for him.  Luc. 
He may be good at that sport still, for there is almost none of his sect holds any other game lawful.  Kat. 
Yet did he bear the civilest and the best ordered affection to our Kinswoman I spoke of.  Luc. 
Yes, I remember.  Kat. 
So loving to her person, so tender of her honour that nothing but too near affinity of blood could have kept them asunder.  Luc. 
And she did love him as well!  Kat. 
O dearly, virtuously well; but my father fearing what youth in heat of blood might do, removes my brother Gabriel from home into the service of a Reverend Bishop to follow good examples.  Luc. 
But he learned not to be a Puritan there I hope.  Kat. 
You shall hear, Sister, soon after came a Gallant into the country from London here, and as we after found, a citizen's son, though he showed like a Lord there. Briefly, he grew acquainted with my brother Mihil. Then woo'd and won my Cousin so secretly, my father never suspected, nor he nor I e'er knew whose son he was, nor of what occupation my old lord his father was; but he promised her marriage, clapped her, you may guess where, and so like the slippery Trojan left her.  Euc. 
O devilish Rascal!  Kat. 
And foolish creature, she who soon repented it, and with her shame is fled to what part of the world we know not.  Luc. 
In truth 'tis pitiful, that villain would be hanged.  Kat. 
Now upon this, my poor brother that loved her so, fell into discontent, forsook his lord, and would have left the Land, but that he was prevented and brought home.  Luc. 
And ever since he has been thus religious.  Kat. 
Thus obstinate, for I think verily he does it but to cross my father, for sending him out of the way when the mischief was done.  Luc. 
I will not then believe 'tis Religion in any of the gang of 'em, but mere wilful affectation. But why, or wherein do you or Mihil. cross your father.  Kat. 
I tell you Sister we must. He is so cross himself, that we shall never get any thing of him that we desire, but by desiring the contrary.  Luc. 
Why then do you desire him to get you an husband?  Kat. 
Because he should get me none. O Sister, both he and Mr. Cockbrayne, can wish now that I had had his son.  Luc. 
There's another youth now gone on love's pilgrimage, e'er since your father crossed him in your love not to be heard of.  Kat. 
Hush! the old men.  Enter Rooksbill, Croswill. Rook. 
In good truth sir, I am taken with your conversation. I like it now exceeding well.  Cros. 
I'm glad it pleases you.  Rook. 
'Tis very fair and friendly, I find we shall accord.  Cros. 
I am glad I have it for you Sir, I pray, make bold with it.  Rook. 
Then pray sir, let me urge my motion a little further to you.  Cros, 
What is't? you cannot utter it so easily as I shall grant it, out with it man.  Rook. 
That you will be pleased to accept my daughter for either of your sons, your youngest if you please, now I have seen him, I'll give him with her presently, either in hand a thousand pound, and five hundred pound a child as fast as he can get 'em. And all I shall die seized of.  Cros. 
What a Dogbolt is this to think that I should get a child for him.  Rook. 
I hope you do think well on't.  Luc. 
Pray love he does. I hope so too.  Kat. 
I mark his Answer.  Luc. 
I could find in my heart to ask his goodwill myself.  Kat. 
And that were a sure way to go without it.  Rook. 
How say you, sir, is't a match?  Cros. 
I will not stay a minute in thy house, though I lie in the street for't.  
housewife, I'll sort you with fitter companions, Come, follow me quickly.  Rook. 
Heaven bless me and my child too from matching with such a disposition.  Kat. 
Truly, sir, I longed to be out o th' house before.  Cros. 
Before you came in it did you not? ha!  Kat. 
These new walls do so stink of the lime methinks.  Cros. 
Marry fough, Goody Foist.  Kat. 
There can be no healthy dwelling in 'em this twelvemonth yet.  Cros. 
Are you so tender bodied?  Rook. 
Even please yourselves then where you can like better, and you shall please me.  Cros. 
Why you will not thrust me out of your house, will you? ha!  Rook. 
There's no such haste, sir.  Cros. 
Indeed there is not, nor will I out for all your haste neither. I'll have look to my bargain.  Rook. 
With all my heart, sir.  Cros. 
But no more of your idle motions, if you love your ease in your house, your Inn here.  Enter Belt. 
Here's a letter, sir, from Mr. Cockbrayne.  Cros. 
Is the earer paid, or give him that an't please you.  Belt. 
somebody has angered him, and I must suffer.  Cros. 
I sent you to seek my sons, good sir, have you found 'em? ha!  Belt. 
I cannot find 'em sir. They went out of the Tavern together, they say, and I have been at Mr. mihil's chamber, and there they are not. I went to the Tavern again, and there they were not. Then I beat all the rest o'th' bushes, in this forest of fools and mad men, and cannot find 'em I, where'er they be.  Cros. 
Sirrah, go find 'em me where'er they be, anywhere, or nowhere, find 'em, and find 'em quickly; I'll find 'em in your Coxcomb else, d' ye see! and bring my son's Sanctity home before it be dark, lest he take up his lodging in a Church-porch; and charge Mr. Mihil that he come not to me till I send for him. Here's danger i'th' house. There was a match-motion indeed.  Rook. 
Good sir, either like my house well, or be pleased to please yourself with some better.  Cross. 
Pray Sir, be quiet in your house, lest I send you out of it to seek another. Let me see my chamber.  Rook. 
He must have his way, I see.  Ex. omnes.   

Act. IV.  

Scoen. 1.  Enter betty, Frank, with swords drawn make fast the doors. Bett. 
NAy, you perpetual puss, I'll fetch him out of the very bowels of thee.  Fran. 
He never came so deep himself yet with all that he could do, and I scorn the threatening of a She marmoset.  Nick. 
(Within) why betty, Frank, you mankind Carrions you. I vow, open the door, will you both kill one another, and cozen the Hangman of his fees?  Bett. 
Thou hadst been better have bit off the dugs of thy Dam, thou pin-buttock Jade thou, than have snapped a bit of mine from me.  Fran. 
Here's that shall stay your stomach better than the bit you snarl for. Thou greedy Brach thou.  Nick. 
(Within) why wenches, are ye wild? break open the doors.  Bett. 
That I could split that devilish tongue of thine!  Fran. 
I have as good a spite at as ill a member about thee.  Enter Nick, Anthony. Nick. 
Hold, what's the devil in ye.  Ant. 
Are ye so sharp-set ye Amazonian Trulls?  Belt. 
Let me but make one pass at her.  Fran. 
Pray let me go, and let her come.  Nick. 
Can no blunter tools than these serve to take down your furies?  Bett. 
Let me come but within nails reach of her.  Fran. 
Let me but try the strength of my teeth upon her.  Nick. 
As Hector twixt the hosts of Greece and Troy,  
When Paris and the Spartan King should end  
Their nine years' wars, held up his brazen lance.  
In signal, that both Armies should surcease,  
And hear him speak. So let me crave your audience.  
Dear betty be advised, and Frank, forbear  
Thy thirst of sister's blood. Whilst I rip up  
The folly of your strife. Your cases both  
Have been laid open to me. You contend  
For love of a lewd Citizen, that sleights,  
Nay more, disdains, nay more, defies you both.  
Tony can tell, Mun Clotpoll also knows  
The words he spoke, that you were both poor whores,  
Not poor alone, but foul infectious harlots.  
And that he wears your mark with pain and sorrow,  
Hopeless to claw them off. With constant purpose  
Never to see you more, unless to greet.  
Your bumpin buttocks with revengeful feet.  Bet. 
Did he say so?  Fran. 
And must we two fall out for such a slanderous Villain?  Ant. 
No, agree, agree.  Nick. 
Buss and be friends. Buss, or I'll baste ye both, I vow.  Bet. 
Come Sister we'll be in for ever now.  Fran. 
For my part, Sister, sure I was not out with you.  Bet. 
But did he say he would kick us?  Ant. 
Lo here, the man that dares it not deny.  Enter Citizen, Drawer. Cit. 
But do ye hear, Gentlemen. I hope you will use me kindlier than so.  Nick. 
Than how, Sir?  Cit. 
Then to win all my money, and leave me at stake for the reckoning. Pray do you pay the Drawer for me, though I pay it you again.  Ant. 
What is it Drawer?  Draw. 
The Gentlewomen and he had 14. sh. in before you came.  Nick. 
'Tis a plain case, your cloak must answer it at the bar, Sir. Drawer, away with it.  Exit Drawtr with Cloak. Cit. 
Nay, but Gentlemen.  Nick. 
I vow, do but look after it, till we be gone, and these shall claw thine eyes out.  Cit. 
Well sir, I hope this quarter will not be always lawless.  Ant. 
Do you grumble? Mr. cuffless.  Nic. 
I vow you shall have cuffs.  Bet. 
Yes, that you shall.  Fran. 
Cuts and slashes too before we part, Sir.  Cit. 
You will not murder me, will you?  Nick. 
Damosels forbear; and you, forbear your noise. I vow, I'll slit your whistle else. You shall give him due correction civilly, and we will make him take it civilly. Sit you down Sir.  Cit. 
What will you do with me?  Nick. 
I vow, mum.  Enter Clotpoll, Cockbraine, Clot. 
O, are ye here! was it a brotherly trick do ye think, to leave me to pay one reckoning twice? or did I think never to be made a mouth more, after I had paid my swearing dinner, and am I now a greater mouth than e'er I was?  Nick. 
Mum, hold your tongue still in your mouth, lest I halifax it with your teeth.  Clot. 
Halifax my tongue. And listen to a business.  Nick. 
Do yond know this man?  Clot. 
Yes, the City mouth we had t'other night.  Nick. 
These are the Sisters that his lavish tongue so lewdly did deprave.  Clot. 
I cry them heartily mercy Are you of the sweet Sisterhood? I hope to know you all, all the pretty Mumpers in the berry here, before I have done. 'Tis true, I protest, he spoke words of you, that such flesh and blood could not bear. He could not have spoken worse of mutton of a groat a quarter.  Bet. 
And were we so fond to fight for him?  Fran. 
But now we'll both be revenged upon the flesh of him.  Cit. 
Pray let me speak with you.  Nick. 
No, they shall beat you first. And mark me well. Do thou but stir an hand or foot, or raise a voice that may be heard to the next room, well cut thy weasand. Now wenches take your course.  Bet. 
Nay, you slave, we'll mark you for a Sheep-biter.  Fran. 
We'll teach you how to scandalize.  Bet. 
Have I given you that you cannot claw off, you Mongrel.  Clot. 
Rare, I protest.  Ciot. 
— oh— oh— oh.  Nick. 
There, there.  Fran. 
We'll claw thine ears off rather.  Cit. 
— oh— oh— oh.  Clot. 
O brave.  Cock. 
O outrage, most insufferable, all this goes into my black book.  Nick. 
To him betty, at him Frank; their whores, there.  Ant. 
Fie, fie, forbear, enough, too much in conscience.  Cock. 
That young man has some pity yet.  Ant. 
I swear you shall no more.  Cock. 
Alas, good Gentlemen, it is enough.  Nick. 
I vow, do you prate? you shall have as much. Come, take the Chair, Sir, the breeches shall bait him too.  Cock. 
O good Gentlemen.  Nick. 
I vow, they shall. To him and claw him, I'll clapperclaw your sides else  Cock. 
O me! what mean you?  Bett. 
Heyday! his beard comes off.  Ant. 
And his head too What rotten scab is this?  Clot. 
I protest, they have pulled my pieced brother in pieces here.  Nick. 
I vow, some disguised villain, and but for doing the State so good service, we would hang him presently without examination.  Ant. 
I know him. And you shall not touch him. Best is, he knows nor me. Good Heaven, what Braintrick has possessed him.  Nick. 
I vow, what canst thou be?  Ant. 
Come, 'tis an honest fellow, that is only ashamed to run so base a course for his living in his own face. Poor man, I warrant his fear threatens his breeches shrewdly. But let's away, and quickly, our stay is dangerous. Come, we forgot Mich Croswil and the wenches.  Nick. 
Come all away then, Sirrah, thank this Gentleman, and pray for him at the end of your Songs hereafter.  Clot. 
Farewell, friend Piece. I'll know you better now, before you have't again.  Ex. omnes but Cock. and Cit. Cock. 
What monsters in mankind? what hellhounds are they? only as Ovid feigned among the Getes. A friend at need, I with a friend was blessed, Whom I may gratify, and plague the rest. How is it with you, Sir?  Cit. 
O, I am very sore.  Cock. 
Indeed you are sorely handled. This may warn you out of such caterwauling company. You look like one more civil. And in hope you will be so, I'll bring you to a Barber.  Cit. 
Alas, my Cloak.  Cock. 
I'll help you to that too, so you with me, Will in an honest plot Assistant be.  Cit. 
O Sir, in any thing, and thank you too, Sir.  Exeunt Ambo.  

Scoen. 2.  Enter Mihil, Gabriel, Boy, Wine, etc. Mih. 
A Paris ill ya ben veni- Here's no bush at this door, but good wine rides post upon't, I mean, the signpost. Boy, get you down, and if Nick Rooksbill, or any of his company ask for me, bring 'em up, d'ye hear.  Boy. 
I will, I will, Sir.  Ex. Mi. 
You are welcome to Paris brother Gabriel.  Gab. 
It is nevertheless a Tavern, brother Mihil, and you promised and covenanted with me at the last house of noise and noisomeness, that you would not lead me to any more Taverns.  Mih. 
Lead you brother? men use to be led from Taverns sometimes. You saw I did not lead you nor bring you to any that was more a Tavern than the last, nor so much neither; for here is no Bush you saw.  Gab. 
'Twas that betrayed and entrapped me: but let us yet forsake it.  Mih. 
Pray let us drink first brother. By your leave here's to you.  Gab. 
One glass-full more is the most that I can bear. My head is very full, and laboureth with that I have had already.  Mi. 
There Sir, I'll undertake one good fellow, that has but just as much Religion as will serve an honest man's turn, will bear more wine than ten of these giddy-brained Puritans, their heads are so full of whimsies.  Gab. 
'Tis mighty heady, mighty heady, and truly I cannot but think that the over much abuse of these outlandish liquours, have bred so many errors in the Romish Church.  Mih. 
Indeed brother, there is too much abuse made of such good creatures. Wine in itself is good, you will grant, though the excess be nought; and Taverns are not contemptible, so the company be good.  Gab. 
It is most true, we find that holy men have gone to Taverns, and made good use of 'em upon their Peregrinations.  Mi. 
And cannot men be content to take now and then a cup, and discourse of good things by the way. As thus. Brother, here's a remembrance (if she be living, and have not lost her honour) to our Cousin Door as.  Gab. 
O that kinswoman of ours. She was the dearest loss that e'er fell from our house.  Mi. 
Pledge her, good brother.  Gab. 
I do—  Mi. 
I hope 'twill maudlinize him.  Gab. 
But have you never seen that miscreant that wronged her, since he did that same, they say you knew him.  Mi. 
Alas, suppose I had, what could be done? she's lost we see. What good could she receive by any course against him.  Gab. 
It had been good to have humbled him, though into the knowledge of his Transgression. And of himself for his souls good, either by course of Law, or else in case of necessity, where the Law promiseth no relief, by your own right hand you might have smote him, smote him with great force, yea, smote him unto the earth, until he had prayed that the evil might be taken from him.  Mih. 
This is their way of loving enemies, to bear 'em into goodness. Well, brother, I may meet with him again, and then I know what to do. If he knew him as I do now, what a religious combat were here like to be at Nicks coming.  Enter Boy. 
Sir, here's a Gentlewoman asks for Mr. Rooksbill.  Mih. 
The travelled Gallant, is't not.  Boy. 
Yes sir, and the old black party, her Land lady with her. But they ask for nobody but him, sir.  Mih. 
Say he is here by all means, and bring 'em up.  Ex. Boy. Gab. 
Women! pray brother let's avoid the place, let us fly it. What should we do with women in a Tavern?  Mih. 
No harm assure yourself, cannot we govern ourselves?  Enter Dorcas and Madge, and start back. Nay, 
Lady, stay, he will be here presently, that you look for.  Gab. 
I will not glance an eye toward temptation.  Mih. 
I am amazed sure, I have seen this face, howe'er your habit and the course of time may give't another seeming.  Dorc. 
Good Angels, help my thoughts and memory. It is my Kinsman Mihil. What's the other that hides his face, so?  Mih. 
Do you turn away?  Dorc. 
It is my Cousin Gabriel, strangely altered.  Mih. 
Come hither you. I'll make a little bold with you. Thou that hast been a concealer of more sins in women's actions, than thou hast grizzled hairs.  Dorc. 
Sure I will speak to him, he always loved me.  Mih. 
Reveal a truth to me on my demand, now instantly, without premeditation. I'll cut thy tongue out else.  Mad. 
What's here to do? do you think I am a devil? that you make such conjurations over me.  Mih. 
I think thou art as true a servant of his as any Bawd can be. But he now if thou darest. How long have you known that Gentlewoman? and what do you know by her?  Dorc. 
Sir.  Mad. 
Here's a stir about nothing. I know nothing by her, not I. Nor whether she has any thing or nothing, that a woman should have by the report of knowledge of man, woman or beast, not I. She came to me but this morning, with a purpose to set me up in my new house as I hoped. But she has taken a course to make it honestly spoken of already, to my utter undoing, but she never comes within my doors again, as I hope to thrive by my Trade hereafter.  Dorc. 
Pray look upon me, sir.  Mih. 
Was she so resolutely bent, and so soon altered?  Mad. 
Upon the very first fight of the very first man that came into my house, the very first hour of my setting up in it.  Mih. 
What man was that?  Mad. 
A shame take him, your roaring friend, Nick. I think she is enamoured of him, or of something she guesses he has; and would fain play the honest woman with him, that never played honest man with woman in his life.  Mih. 
'Tis she, and 'tis most wonderful.  Dorc. 
If you knew who I were, you would not be so strange to me.  Mad. 
And here she comes me a hunting after him, like a fondling, whilst half a dozen pieces might ha' been gotten at home by this time, and she have had the halves of it in her purse by this time; if she would have done, as I thought, she would have done by this time.  Mih. 
Alas, poor owlet.  Mad. 
I sent whooping after the best guest that haunt my house, to have taken the first fruits of her conversation, and she would not see a man of 'em, to my undoing.  Mih. 
Well leave thy hooting, Madge, and hold thy peace. thou shalt get by it.  Mad. 
Yes, I shall get a good name shortly, and this gear hold, and turn beggar, I shall.  Dor. 
Pray sir, but one word.  Mih. 
Speak to her, brother, 'tis our Cousin Dorcas.  Gab. 
Will you abuse me too? is she not lost?  Mih. 
And will not you give her leave to be found again? his wine and her sudden apprehension works on him at once. Cousin, I'll speak to you, though I confess the miracle of our meeting thus amazes me.  Dorc. 
O Cousins both. As ye are Gentlemen, and of that noble stock, whose mere remembrance, when he was given up, and at the brink of desperate folly, stroke that reverend fear into my soul, that hath preserved my honour from further falling. Lend me now your aid, to vindicate that honour by that man, that threw me in the way of loss and ruin.  Mih. 
All shall be well, good Cousin, you shall have both hands and hearts to re-estate you in him. So that in fact you have not wronged that honour, since he forsook you.  Dorc. 
On my soul I have not.  Mih. 
Infants then shall be pardoned. Brother speak.  Dorc. 
You were wont still to be my lovingest Cousin.  Gab. 
What a strange dream has wine wrought in my head.  Mih. 
I hope it will work out his superfluous zeal.  
And render him civil Christian again.  Dor. 
It is no dream, good Cousin, you are awake,  
And I, that Dorcas, for whom you have wished  
Affinity of blood might be dispensed with. And you to be my choice. So well you loved me.  Gab. 
And will above my life affect you still. But you must leave these gauds and profane dressings.  Mad. 
Bawds did he say? how comes he to know me trow?  Dorc. 
How came my Cousin Gabriel thus translated.  
Out of gay clothes long hair, and lofty spirit,  
Stout and brave action, manly carriage;  
Into so strict a Reformation?  
Where is the martial humour he was wont so to affect.  Mih. 
His purity and your disgrace fell on you both about a time, i'faith.  Gab. 
Do you swear by your FAITH?  Mi. 
He's falling back again.  Boy. 
Some more wine. You will drink with our  
Cousin, brother, will you not?  Boy. 
What wine is't, Gentlemen?  Gab. 
Yes, in a cup of sincere love.  Boy. 
What other wine you please, Gentlemen, we have none such i'th' 'house.  Mih. 
Of the same we had, sir.  Dorc. 
Call not for wine for us, Cousin.  Mad. 
Assuredly, we are no profane wine-bibbers, not we.  Gab. 
Modest, and well-spoken verily, she should be a Sister or a Matron.  Mih. 
Yes, yes, we'll all drink for the good o'th' house.  
'Tis upon putting down, they say, and more o'th' neighbours. But Cousin, he knew you not today.  Dor. 
No, nor dreams of me.  Mih. 
And the old one knows nothing, does she.  Dorc. 
No, by no means.  Mih. 
She can bewray nothing then. My brother knows not him. I only do for his fair sister's sake, of which you may hear more hereafter; in the mean, bear yourself fair and free, as if you knew him not, and I'll work him to your end, never fear it.  Dorc. 
You are a noble Spokesman.  [Bawd and Gabriel confer devoutly the while. Mad. 
Truly, you speak most edifyingly.  Enter Boy with Wine. Mih. 
Well-said, give it to my brother. Drink to our Cousin, Brother.  Gab. 
I will, and to that virtuous Matron, whose care of her, I hope, tends unto good edification.— Truly the wine is good, and I was something thirsty.  Mad. 
Best drink again then, Sir.  Gab. 
I will follow your motherly advice.  [Drinks. Mih. 
'Twill work, anon, I hope.  Gab. 
And you have traveled Cousin. I may suppose you brought this well-disposed Gentlewoman from Amsterdam with you. And this unto your welcome, hoping I shall be informed by you how the two zealous brethren thrive there? that broke in St. Helen's.  Mad. 
Of that or any thing sir, pray drink again, sir.  Mih. 
You Jade you, hold your tongue.  Enter Nick, Anthony, Clotpoll, betty, Frank. Nick. 
O, are ye here Gallants! I made all the haste I could, but was stayed, I vow, by the bravest sport, baiting of a fellow or two with our puss-cats here. I could e'en find in my heart to marry 'em both for their valours.  Dorc. 
Those words are daggers.  Mih. 
I pray dissemble your passion.  Nick. 
What? are you acquainted already?  Mich. 
Did not I tell thee she was a brave Madonna?  Mih. 
How long have you had acquaintance with her, Nick?  Nick. 
Never saw her before this morning, ay, standing upon her balcony.  Gab. 
Truly Cousin, I think 'twas you that I saw today too, standing upon a balcony.  Nick. 
You spell very modestly, sir. Your brother  
I take it. But did you call her Cousin, sir.  Gab. 
Yes sir, she is my Cousin.  Mih. 
'Twill out too soon. Why Nick, thou knowest these kind of creatures call and are called Cousins commonly.  Nick. 
Yes, in their tribe. But I thought he had been too holy for them. But Dammy—  Gab. 
O fearfully profane!  Nick. 
You said you had a story to relate, of dire misfortune. and of uncouth hearing. I come to hear your story, what stop you your ears at? sir.  Gab. 
I dare not speak it but in thy reproof. Thou swearest Gee uh Dee, d'ee arm thee, as I take it.  Nick. 
I vow thou liest, I called her Dammy, because her name is Damyris,  Gab. 
I say thou liest, her name is Dorcas, which was the name of an holy woman.  Nick. 
Shall we have things and things? I vow.  [Draw. Clot. 
And I protest.  [Draw. Mih. 
This will spoil all. Brother, I pray forbear.  Gab. 
I may not forbear, I am moved for to smite him; yea, with often stripes to smite him; my zealous wrath is kindled, and he shall fly before me.  Dorc. 
Let me entreat you, sir.  Bet. Frank. 
What fury's this?  [Mihil holds up Gabriel Nick. 
Great Damboys shrink, and give a little ground.  Ex. Gab. 
I will pursue him in mine indignation.  Dor. 
O me!  Gab. 
And beat him into Potsherds.  Mad. 
Now he has banged the Pitcher, he may do any thing.  Mih. 
Pray, brother, be persuaded.  Clot. 
A brother to be so controlled?  Mih. 
You sir, put up your Steel-stick.  Clot. 
I desire but to know first, if he be a brother.  Mih. 
Yes marry is he, sir.  Clot. 
Sir, I am satisfied. So let him live.  Gab. 
Pray give me leave to ask you, do these men take part with the brethren?  Mih. 
Yes, and are brothers a little disguised, but for some ends.  Gab. 
Some State-occasions.  Mih. 
Mere Intelligencers, to collect up such and such observations, for a great Separatist that is now writing a book against playing at barleybreak, moulding of Cocklebread, and such like profane exercises.  Gab. 
Truly such exercises are profane exercises, that bear the denomination of good things ordained for man's use, as Barley, Cockles, and Bread are such things to be made sports and play-games? I pray you let me see these brethren again, to make my atonement with them. And are those Sisters too, that were with them?  Mih. 
O, most notorious ones, and are as equally disguised to be as rank Spies as the other. 'Slid man, and they should be taken for such as they are, they would be cut off presently. They came in this mad humour to be merry with you for my sake.  Gab. 
Pray let 'em come again, I shall not be well until I have rendered satisfaction.  Mih. 
You must do as they do then, or they will think you are a Spy upon them.  Gab. 
I will be as merry as they, let wine be given unto us.  Mih. 
More wine, Boy, and bid 'em all come in.  Ex. Boy. Dor. 
Alas, Cousin, let him drink no more.  Mih. 
Fear nothing, Cousin, it shall be for his good and yours, as I will order it.  Enter Nick. anthony, Clotpoll, betty, Frank, Drawer with wine Mih. 
All welcome, not any repetition, but begin anew  Gab. 
I will begin it, two glasses: it shall be a faithful Salutation to all the Brothers and Sisters of—  Clot. 
The Blade and the Scabbard.  Nick. 
It shall go round.  Ant. 
I'll swear you do not well to let him drink so.  Mih. 
Well said civil Roarer.  Gab. 
Let it go round, go to, you are a wag. I know what you mean by the Blade and the Scabbard.  Clot. 
Who could have thought this had been such a brother.  Gab. 
Nay, who could have thought you had been of the brethren.  Nick. 
Brethren sir, we are the Brothers.  Gab. 
Yea, the disguised ones.  Nick. 
How? disguised ones?  Mih. 
Do not cross him again. If thou dost, and I do not maul thee. Yes, brother, these are virtuous men howe'er they seem.  Nick. 
I vow, I have so much virtue as to rebuke thee for lying. But we are brethren, sir, and as factious as you, though we differ in the Grounds; for you, sir, defy Orders, and so do we; you of the Church, we of the Civil Magistrate; many of us speak i'th' nose, as you do; you out of humility of spirit, we by the wantonness of the flesh; now in devotion we go beyond you, for you will not kneel to a ghostly father, and we do to a carnal Mistress.  Mih. 
I'll stop your mouth, you said you came to be merry.  Nick. 
Yes, I vow, and brought Fiddlers along, but they must play i'th' next room, for here's one breaks all the Fiddles that come in his reach. Come fir, will you drink, dance, and do as we do?  Gab. 
I'll drink, I'll dance, I'll kiss, or do any thing, any living thing with any of you that is Brother or Sister. Sweetheart let me feel thy Coney.  Mih. 
I now he's in. Play Fiddlers. Dance.  
All bravely performed, admirably well done, etc.  Nick. 
I vow, thou art a brother after my own heart.  [To Gabriel. Women. 
We cannot commend you enough, sir.  Gab. 
This done in civil fort among ourselves, I hope, will prove no scandal to a brother.  Nick. 
'Twill prove an honour to our faction.  Gab. 
I thirst to do it honour.  Clot. 
Give him some wine, he thirsts.  Mih. 
Thou little dapper thing, thou, hold thy peace.  Ant. 
Thou seest he can scarce stand.  Gab. 
No, my religious brethren, no more wine.  
Enough's a feast, and little doth suffice.  
I thirst to do some honour to our cause. To lead forth legions to fight a battle 'gainst our. malignant adversaries.  Nick. 
Brave.  Gab. 
Such an employment now would make me famous, for my sufficiency of Att in Arms.  Nick. 
I vow, this man has hidden things in him.  Mih. 
He has as brave a warlike spirit, man, before his precise humour tainted it, as ever breathed in Hector.  Nick. 
I vow then, a good orderly diet of nothing but sack for a week together, would revive it in him, and bring it to good again.  Mih. 
I hope, 'tis done already.  Ant. 
How do you, sit?  Gab. 
I fear some Jesuitical fumes have invaded my Brain pan. All methinks goes whirley, whirley, whirley.  Ant. 
Best lie down upon a bed. Drawer!  Gab. 
soldier's must not be curious. A Bench or any thing.  Draw. 
The Gentleman may have a bed here, an't please you. But sir, there's an old angry Gentleman below, that asks for you, and by all description for that mortified Gentleman. And will by all means press into your room here.  Mih. 
It is my father.  Dorc. 
O me! What shall I do?  Mad. Bet. Fran. 
We shall be all clapped up.  Mi. 
Fear nothing, veil your face a little; Who is with him?  Draw. 
nobody but his old Servingman, that it seems discovered you. You may put this Gentleman into this inner room, and keep the Key yourself. I know not what charge he has about him.  Mih. 
Admirable honest fellow.  Draw. 
And you may tell your father he is gone, for he is gone you see.  Nick. 
I vow. a wit.  Draw. 
Now if you'll be civil, I may bring him up to you, if not, because he is your father, we'll thrust him out of doors, an't please you.  Mi. 
Notable rascal, well sir, let him up. I know how to fit him.  Dorc. 
But this delays my business, Cousin, and will, I fear, frustrate my hopes.  Mi. 
Nor hinder any thing, I'll warrant thee, he's thine. Play Fiddlers, tother dance.  Nick. 
I vow.  Clot. 
Will you! protest.  Ant. 
You are not wild?  Mad. 
Come Wenches, if he venture in his father's sight, shame take us and we blush.  [Dance. Enter Croswill, Belt. Cross. Belt. 
And I had not sold all my land to live upon my money in Town here, out of danger or the Statute, I would give thee a copyhold for this discovery.  Belt. 
I thank your worship, and truly 'tis a goodly sight, methinks, an't please your worship.  Cross. 
I'm glad it likes you. Heigh, excellent good again. Heigh, Heigh, what an happiness may fathers boast, that can bring their children up to this. (Dance ended )I cry ye mercy, Gentlemen all. Ha! I am sorry I interrupted your serious private occasions.  Nick. 
Would you speak with any here, sir?  Mi. 
It is my father, Gentlemen?  Cross. 
Thy father? hold thy peace; dar'st thou use thy father thus? to spend thy time thus! ha! Is this place fit for the son of a Gentleman of quality? ha! why dost not answer me, does this company sort with thy reputation? ha!  Mih. 
Sir, the company.—  Cross. 
Hold thy peace, I say, or are these exercises allowable for a Gentleman, that ever said or heard Grace at his father's Table? answer me that.  Mih. 
An't please you, Sir.  Cross. 
Hold thy peace when I bid thee.  Nick. 
The company, sir, offends not you, I hope; you see the worst of us.  Cross. 
In good time, sir, you are the distracted Gentlemen, I take it, that asked him if he would moot tonight? Is this your mooting? do you put cases to your Wenches, or they to you?  Nick. 
I vow thy father talks too much.  Cross. 
Which are the better Lawyers? ha!  Mad. 
But that you are his father, sit, and an old man, and he an honest young Gentleman, and our friend, we would tell you.  Cross. 
I thank you for him, yes truly, heartily; and for your good opinion of him, heartily. Pray keep him amongst you while ye have him, for I'll ha' no more to say to him, I. Is your Invectives against drinking, wenching, and the abomination of the times come to this? is this your spending of time more precious than money? is it you that knows not what to do with money but to buy books; and were drawn with such unwillingness to a Tavern? ha! you shall graze upon Littleton's Commons, or eat nothing but books, an't please you, for any exhibition thou ever get'st from me— And in that faith thou hast lost a father. Come sir, you have brought me to a goodly sight here; would any Villain but thyself have showed his Master light to see so much woe! Thy coxcomb shall yet pay for't.  Belt. 
O sir, O.  Cross. 
This was your trim sight, was it?  Belt. 
O.  Cross. 
But well remembered. Pray where's your brother? my son I would say; for I know no brother or father thou hast. Where is Gabriel?  Mih. 
He is not here, sir.  Cross. 
Did you not tell me, Sirrah, he was here?  Belt. 
I told you then too much. I feel it here.  Cross. 
He was here, sir, but he is gone, sir.  Cross. 
So, so, he's lost. He must be cried, or we shall never find him.  Mih. 
I'll warrant you, I'll find him yet tonight, sir. Pray Gentlemen pay you the Reckoning, I'll wait upon my father home.  Cross. 
Was that spoke like a son of mine? must others pay your reckoning, and I in place; take that, and do not make me mad. And why should you home with me? I pray, sir.  Mih. 
Because sir, it grows dark, and 'tis the worst way as it is about the town; so many odd holes a man may slip into; pray take me with you, sir.  Cross. 
Pray take no care for me, sir, and let the way be as it is. Do not think me worse at it in the dark than yourself, I beseech you. But you talked of the Reckoning, pray let not the want of money for that hinder the search of your brother. There's towards your pains for that; and so for a farewell to you and your friends here, till I hear thou keepest better company, let me hear no more of thee.  Ex. Cross. and Belt. Mih. 
There was no way to get this money, and be rid of him, but to offer him my service He would have driven me out before him else. But come, let's see my brother that went to sleep in so warlike a Passion. I hope he'll wake in a better.  Nic. 
Mun Clotpoll, thou art dull.  Clot. 
No, I protest, but struck with admiration at the old Blade's humour.  Nick. 
Come, Dammy and the rest, be merry. I vow, we'll sup together, and so at last hear all thy dismal story.  Nick. 
I mean he shall, and such an Audit make,  
As shall restore her honour from the stake.  Ex. Omnes.   

Act V.  

Scaen. 1.  Enter Crossewill Solus. Cross. 
WHat has this coxcomb Cockbrayne writ me here? That he desires his absence be excused. What have I to do with him? when I send for him, let him come to me. That he is upon a point of discovery in a most excellent project for the weeding of this Garden? what Garden? what project? A project he says here for the good of the Republic, Repudding. This fellow has in stead of brains, a Cobweb in his Noddle, with little straws, feathers, and wings of dead Butterflies hanging in it, that having motion by his airy fancy, there dance and keep a Racket; 'tis to teach women silence, or some such foolish impossibility. He is ambitious to be called into authority by notice taken of some special service he is able to do the tate aforehand. But what great service he is able to do it, or which way to undertake it, falls not in the reach of my imagination. But good Mr. Croswill, by your favour now, what reason have you to slight or wrangle at this man? this honest Cockbrayne? that has always been a constant friend to you, and officious in many good ways, and is a Gentleman, not only of good descent and estate, but of a good disposition. And you two, Mr. Crosswill, by your leave, have always agreed like neighbours' children. ay, the devil was in't, and now he vexes me again; we agreed in one point so well, that we have undone a couple of our children by it, and hindered the getting of I know not how many more. His son and my daughter should have married. And on a sudden he and I both consented to a dislike of the match and broke it, and have both repented it an hundred times since. We agree very well in that point; and now is his son irrecoverably lost, and my daughter resolutely bent to be an Ape-leader in Limbo. But what's all this to the affliction I suffer in my sons now? that one of them from a riotous boy. should grow into a Puritanical Woodcock; and the t'other from a civil well-qualified fellow, turned absolute Ruffian. There, there, I there's the devil in't. I could beat myself for getting such children.  Enter Belt. 
See, see, my Master for want of other company fallen out with himself, and it please you, sir.  Cros. 
It does not please me, nor thou pleasest me, nor any thing pleases me. The world's bent to cross me, and thou shalt feel it.  Belt. 
O good sir.  Cross. 
Is it not so, sir, was not that dunce Gabriel, a most notorious wild thing  
Before he steered a Religious course? but then he run so full a sail, that he passed and was beyond the line of Religion before he was aware; and as he passed it under the torrid Zone of Zeal, the Calenture took him o'the pate, that he is mad with it, and as far beyond Religion now as it is to it.  Belt. 
Sir, there's hope that he may he fetch't half way back again, by your fatherly advice, and become a sound man.  Cross. 
And then was not Mihil so civil, that he made me even sick to see him. And now is he flown out as far into riot tother way.  Belt. 
But he, sir, will appear a present comfort to you, he is reclaimed already; you shall never see such a Reformation in a Gentleman.  Cros. 
What's this you tell me? ha!  Belt. 
He has cast off his long-curled hair and all.  Cross. 
He had been better have cut his head off.  
Where is he!  Belt. 
Below sir, and a Gentlewoman with him, but very much afraid to appear to you. I never saw a man so timoursome.  Cross. 
Do you think it fit I should go down to him, or he come up to me, fir, ha!  Belt. 
I'll fetch him, here's a life!  Ex. Cross. 
I charged he should not come at this house too, for fear he might be catched with this mechanic fellows daughter, though her portion be around one. And let him take heed he look not at her.  Enter Mihil and Madge. 
Bless me! what changeling is this? he's in his Brother's cut.  Mih. 
Sir,— Sir.—  Cross. 
Would you speak with any here, sir, do you know me. I know not you, I assure you.  Mih. 
The sense of your late displeasure, sir, has so humbled me into the knowledge of myself, that on the wings of true obedience, I flew after you to make a child's submission at your feet, to crave your pardon for my riotous transgression, and to ask your blessing.  Cros. 
A delicate speech, pray take it for fashion-sake. But if I know how to look towards thee.  Mih. 
Pray sir, bestow it really upon me.  Cross. 
God bless thee, I say, and so much many honest men bestow daily on sons that are none of their own, if thou be'st mine, how camest thou thus like a fellow that had narrowly scaped the Pillory, and bragged in the publication of his ears? not an hair left to hide them.  Mih. 
To show my readiness to reform my life, sir. And yet a willingness withal to live, as well, as civilly, in which I am in all humility to prefer a suit to you. You know, sir, I am but a younger brother.  Cros. 
What will this come to?  Mih. 
Here is a widow, sir, a Gentlewoman of great estate, and of a well-known life. Ancient she is, and has had husbands. How many?  Mad. 
four truly, sir.  Mih. 
four sir, I would not lie. Of which the worst spoke well of her on's deathbed.  Mad. 
What's that to me or thee? come to the point.  Mih. 
I have all would and won her, sir, and crave but your goodwill to marry her. I have brought a Churchman and a Kinsman to give her.  Cross. 
Why so, what needs two words then? do you think I can deny you?  Mih. 
If he does grant it, 'tis the first request that e'er he granted in his life. Sure the old Matchmaker the devil thinks I am in earnest to marry this beast. And puts a readiness in his hand to forward it.  Cross. 
Widow, you are welcome. Why call you not your Priest? or tarry sir, let me question you but a little, Do you think seriously you love this widow?  Mih. 
Better then many men love their wives, I am persuaded.  Cross. 
'Tis very well, what children have you widow?  Mad. 
Never had any, Sir.  Cross. 
Very well still.  Mi. 
Nor ever like to have any, fir, that's the comfort. We shall live at the less charge.  Cross. 
Thou art a covetous and a preposterous Knave. Wouldest thou bury up thy youth in barren ground? dost seek after wealth, and not after issue? dost love to feed on other men's leavings? or travel only in a beaten path? ha!  Mih. 
A man goes certainest on his journey so, sir, and less trouble it is you know to go in at a great gate, than a narrow wicket.  Cross. 
You have said enough, sir, and delight to cross me; but I'll cross you for once, and lay a cross upon you, shall perhaps carry you to your grave. Go, fetch your Priest.  Mih. 
I'll face it as far as I dare. I hope I shall have the grace to pull my hand from the book when it comes so far.  Ex. Cross. 
Widow, you are resolved to have him too.  Mad. 
Before all men i'th' world by your fair leave, 1.  Cross. 
You shall not have him.  Mad. 
Without your free consent, I will not.  Cross. 
I am resolved I'll do't. And 'twill be the best cross trick that e'er I did in my life. Pray let me speak in some more private with you.  Mad. 
If I but 'scape Bridewell, I care not.   

Scoen. 2.  Enter Mihil, anthony, Katharine, Parson. Mih. 
Now tony, she's thine own, Now Sister Kate; he's thine. The Priest has pronounced it. I say, Amen to't. And heaven give you joy.  Kat. 
Now you have done the best brotherly office that ever made a Sister happy.  Ant. 
And the friendliest to a friend. We have been casting for it, Sweet, this Twelvemonth, and Heaven pardon me. I vowed never to take acquaintance of my Father, till 'twere effected. Although I know of late he has been willing.  Kat. 
And so is mine, I know, but yet he swore, that I should match myself before he knew't, or I should never marry.  Mih. 
You'll find him of another mind towards me, and force me into wedlock presently.  Kat. 
You have ta'en the likeliest course that could be. But what is your disguised woman, Brother.  Mih. 
What you shall never know, Sister, I hope.  Enter Crossewill, Rookesbill, lucy, Madge. Cross. 
Come sir, I have broken off the match with your widow; and she's content to leave you as she found you. And now take me this pretty, simpering, plump-lipped, ruddy-cheeked, white-necked, long-fingered Virgin in hand, or I will swinge you, Sirrah, look to't. If you cannot live civilly with a young wife, you cannot but be mad with an old, I think. Besides, she's a friend's daughter of mine, and prepared by her discreet father here to love you. Come, and kiss her, quickly, Sirrah.  Mih. 
I cannot do't for all the wealth in the world.  Cross. 
How's that?  Mih. 
Kiss a Maid I never saw above twice in my life.  Cross. 
He will have me think him a bastard, do I what I can. Canst thou see a Maid twice, and not kiss her?  Mih. 
Yes, twenty times, sir, and not kiss her, or if once, not above, sir.  Cross. 
But you shall kiss her above and below, sir, and in every room o'th' house, sir, before you part. Stand fair pretty one.  Luc. 
I know not how to do't.  Rook. 
You were not best let me instruct you. I can be angry too.  Luc. 
His back side's towards me.  Cross. 
Turn yourself, Sirrah, or I'll turn you. Go to, bend your body a little and be hanged. So, now come your way, and say after your little Sir John here, I Mihil take thee, lucy, etc. As learning shall enable him to proceed without book.  Rook. 
Pray let'em do it in the next chamber, they are too bashful afore us. There are witnesses enough. Go all in, I pray you.  Mih. 
Widow, will you give me leave to obey my father?  Mad. 
With all my heart, and say Amen to the marriage.  Cross. 
I think I shall have my will at last upon one of my rebellious offspring.  Rook. 
And now, pray give me leave sir, to let you know how happy I do hold myself in this marriage. I did like this Son better than the other before. And now I like him better than I did at my former view of him, by some Reformation that I do observe in him. And I do not a little rejoice in the honour I may have to call you brother.  Cross. 
That very word brother out of his mouth, has turned my stomach. I must pull all in pieces again. And yet let me see these young bloods when they are set on't; if they do not marry, they will do worse. Let 'em e'en go on now.  Rook. 
You may easily conceive, sir, what a comfort it will be unto me, that I now growing old, and having (I give praise for't,) wealth enough, and no child that I make account of but this one daughter, may, before I die, see Grandchildren that I may have by her sufficiently provided for, be they more or less in number, they may have enough.  Cross. 
There he is again, he calls my Grandchildren that shall be, his Grandchildren. Am I a Gentleman, and can hear this? if it be not too late, I'll spoil the getting of your Grandchildren.  Enter all again. All. 
Heaven give you joy. Heaven give you joy.  Cross. 
What, are you married?  Pars. 
I do pronounce them man and wife.  Ant. 
Mad. Kat. And we are witnesses.  Crosse. 
What remedy?  Mih. Luc. 
We are, and crave your blessings.  Cross. Rook. 
All blessings be upon you, (all salute).  Cross. 
But you, sir, Mr. Bridegroom.  Mih. 
I'll only gratify the Minister.  Cross. 
Do so, and pay him well, it is, perhaps, for the dearest fault that e'er thou didst.  Mih. 
There's for your pains, sir. Madge, there's for you. Enough to purchase thee a Licence to sell Ale, tobacco, and Strong-water again in Godpiece-Rowe, for here will be no dwelling for thee, I see that.  
Now, brother anthony, go you all back to the company we left, and see that my Instructions be followed concerning my brother Gabriel, Nick, and his Dammie,  Ant. 
All, all.  Kat. 
Shall he go from me?  Mih. 
Yes, but you shall follow him presently, trust to me Sister. Go, take no leave of 'em. I'll bring 'em upon you presently.  Cross. 
Are you at leisure now, sir, to tell me of your brother.  Mih. 
Yes, to my grief, sir, praying you may have patience.  Cross. 
To your grief, sir, he is not dead then? Younger brothers seldom grieve for their Elders death.  Mih. 
Pray bear it as you may, sir I left him in an heavy plight. And let me speak it with sorrow, he lay speechless.  Rook. 
Alack-a day, good Gentleman, my son in-law, perhaps, is heir already.  Cross. 
And hast thou been here all this while fooling or wiving (all's a matter) & left thy brother in danger? ha!  Mih. 
He's well attended, sir, and looked unto. Nor would I wish you see his weak estate.  
It can but grieve you, sir, my wife and sister, together with myself, will go. Or if  
It please my father Rooksbill here, because his power in this quarter is available.  Cross. 
Go, show the way. I'll go in person, I. My son's my son.  Mih. 
Nay, pray sir.  Cross. 
Yes, 'cause you have a wife, you shall control me. Will you go on, sir.  Mih. 
Well, I'll bring you to him, sir.  Luc. 
What was your widow, sir, she stunk of Aquavitae, fearfully.  Mih. 
I'll tell thee as we go. Kiss.  Exeunt.  

Scoen. 3.  Enter Clotpoll, Dorcas, Nick. Nick. 
What a drunken sot was I, that knew thee not all this while? I vow, thy story pities me. I'll marry thee, and turn thee to thy friends, for I am sure I have none that will keep thee for my sake.  Dorc. 
I ask no further satisfaction of you, than to be honested by marriage. I'll work for a poor living.  Nick. 
Prithee Mun seek me a Priest.  Clot. 
I have no acquaintance in their function, I.  Dorc. 
My Cousin Mihil said he would bring or send one.  Nick. 
There's no starting, that Mihil has a fist over me. I vow, and thou wert not his Kinswoman, thou should to the Common yet.  Clot. 
Father, how come you hither?  Capt. 
Did not the company send for me?  Nick. 
I vow, not we.  Capt. 
The City-mouth, that pecked us at my lodging last night, came to me with an abominable scratched face, and warned me on a business hither.  Nick. 
I smell some trick.  Clot. 
Some treachery upon the brotherhood, perhaps.  Nick. 
Timorous thing! what in our own Quarter?  Capt. 
If you doubt any thing, 'tis best remove.  
The fellow was sorely handled.  Nick. 
I would but see the carcase of authority prance in our Quarter, and we not cut his legs off. Welcome tony, what hast thou brought the word here to pass for the Reckoning.  Enter Ant. Parson. Ant. 
Come, you must make a wedding-night on't Nick, Mihil will go no less.  Nick. 
My Vow is passed, and before you, sir, I confirm it. This is my wife. Anon, you shall perform the holy Ceremony,  Ant. 
'Tis well, pray sir, retire yourself to the next room there a while, and stay you with him, Lady.  
But what do you with Gabriel? Is it not time to wake him yet?  Clot. 
'Tis now upon the point, h'as slept two hours.  Nick. 
Father, you'll see a brave experiment upon a Gentleman that has been a youth.  Clot. 
And of the Philoblathici, as we are now.  Nick. 
And since was grown one of the reformed, and we are now in practice to retrieve, and bring him back to his first condition.  Ant. 
Have you followed all mihil's directions?  Nick. 
Hitherto we have. First, you saw he was laid defunct in Sack, next in his sleep, we have accoutred him in martial habiliments, and now we mean to wake him with alarms shall affright the silly humour out of him, and render him his warlike faculty, or our Art fails.  Ant. 
Where be the Wenches?  Clot. 
The Sisters of the Scabbard, there's the sport on't. They have their parts to play upon him too. But for his drink now when he wakes, you said you would have a bottle of the woman's what do you call't yonder? the Medea.  Capt. 
What? the charmed liquour that Medea brewed to make old father Aeson young again?  
Must that renew his youthful spirit in him?  Nick. 
No, Sack will do better. When he wakes he will be very dry, than a quart-draught of good Canary will so screw him up. 'Tis time 'twere now in practice. So, softly, softly. We must but half wake him at first.  A Bed put forth, Gabriel on it, betty and Frank. Gab. 
O some small drink.  Nick. 
Here, drink it off, sir, (Drinks )Down and Trumpet. An Alarm.  Gab. 
Surprised by th' enemy, whilst we have played the Sluggard in our Tents.  Capt. Nick. Clot. 
Hold Captain, hold, we are your soldiers.  Gab. 
You're Mutineers, and have disturbed my rest. And I'll do Martial Justice on you all.  Nick. 
I vow, hold, are you mad?  Gab. 
Know you not discipline? or are you grown rebellious in the Camp. I'll teach you warfare.  Capt. 
You have conjured a fury into him to beat us into fitters.  Clot. 
My pate bleeds for't; I protest.  Gab. 
I'll make you know command.  Ant. 
Noble Commander, hold thy furious hand, and hear thy soldiers speak.  Gab. 
What have we women for our Martial Music?  Clot. 
None but the She-Trumpet, a neighbour here, and her Sister, that was Drum-major to my country-amazons, that pulled up the Enclosures to lie all in Common.  Gab. 
Is the enemy i'th' field?  Nick. 
Upon their march, Captain, and we your officers: But roused you up to be in readiness.  Gab. 
You are my Lieutenant, you my Ancient, and you two my Sergeants; and you must know the Commander you serve under, to be none of those Letter-carriers that know not so much as the terms of discipline, what a Flanker is, Nor a ravelin is. Nor a petard is. Nor a Curtain is. Nor a Bulwark is. Nor a bastille is. Nor a Counterscarp is. Nor a Casemate is. A Gabion is: Nor any left word of fortification. How can such freshwater captain's command?  All. 
Right noble Colonel. He shall be our Colonel.  Clot. 
One soldier made up of Sack, is worth as many as would drink a fresh water river dry.  Gab. 
I knew, men of abilities should at last be put in action.  
Valiant men and wise,  
Are only fit for weighty enterprise.  All. 
O noble Colonel.  Gab. 
What would an upstart Militaster now, That knew no rudiments of discipline, nor Art of war, do in a sudden service? or say, when I know how to have my Ordnance planted here, my Cavalry mounted here, my Battery-discoverer on such a point, my Trenches cut thus, my Mine carried thus, my Gabions raised thus. Here my Parapet, there my palisado o'th' top of that. The enemy made unsaltable six hundred paces there. And I draw out my Musketeers to flank 'em in their Trenches here, while my Pikes and Targeteers advance to the breach there. What would Captain, my Lords man, or Sergeant-major, my Lady's Kinsman, sent in by honourable favour, do or say in such an expedition?  All. 
Braver and braver still.  Clot. 
This goes beyond the Blade and the Battoon.  Gab. 
Or how would their brains lie in their breeches, when the able Captain leads up his men in the Head of a Troop bravely, charges with his shot, makes a stand with his Pikes, does execution with his Sword, the Cannon playing, the Drum beating, the Shot thumping, the Ensigns waving, the Arms clashing, the Air rending, Dust and Smoke clouding, Blood raining. And then to bring up such a Division to fight, make good such a Ground, relieve such a Squadron, fetch off such a loss, reinforce the Ranks that are broken. March on, Come off. Beat the besogne's that lie hid in the Carriages. O the renowned life of a worthy Commander.  Nick. 
Sound Drum and Trumpet.  All. 
A Colonel, a Colonel.  Enter Croswill, Rooksbill, Mihil. Cros. 
Whither hast thou brought me? does thy brother lie speechless in this house? ha! what in the name of tumult can these be?  Mih. 
Pray sit, attend, you will be pleased anon.  Gab. 
A still march now. So, I have lost a great many of my men. But courage yet, you poor remainder of my scattered Troops. Stand. Qni vala. An Ambuscado of the enemy. Alarm. Lieutenant, charge in with your Shot. Now Gentlemen, for the honour of Covent-Garden, make a stand with your Pikes; in to the short sword; well fought, take Prisoners. Sound a Retreat now. Fair, fair i'th' coming off. So, 'twas bravely performed.  Clot. 
Must we not fall to rifling now, Colonel.  Mih. 
Part fair on all sides, Gentlemen.  Gab. 
What's this, a vision, sure I do ail something.  Cross. 
Is't possible it is thou? art thou run mad as far as hell the t'other way now.  Rook. 
My wicked, caitiff, reprobate son is here too.  
Pray let me flee, I am but a dead man else.  Mih. 
You shall receive no harm, sir Lay by your Arms my Masters. I bring none but friends.  Nick. 
Thou canst not make that good, my father's there.  Mih 
I'll make him friends with thee. Go and dispatch within.  Ant. 
I'll see it done, and take our new made Brides with us for witnesses.  Ex. Nick. Ant. Kat. Luc. Rook 
Has his shame yet taught him to shun my sight.  Mih. 
And shall return him instantly your comfort.  Rook. 
Unpossible, unpossible.  Mih. 
Attend the event.  Cross. 
I rather thought I should have found you, sir, disputing with the Pastors, and the Elders; yet to say truth, this is the better madness. What can this mean? how came he thus translated? what Charms, or what Enchantments are upon him?  Gab. 
What Babel was a building in my brains?  
But now it turns, and I can recollect  
The knowledge of a father, brother, Sister.  
And that a thousand vain imaginations,  
Like scatterings of light things upon the earth,  
Rushes, loose leaves, sprigs, straws, and dust  
Contracted by a whirlwind, were blown up,  
And lodged in the rich Seat of Contemplation,  
Usurping there the room of virtuous thoughts.  
Honour awake me from this Lethargy.  Cros. 
What can those women that appear like furies be in this action?  Mih. 
They were but used as properties to give new motion to his mortified condition.  Cros. 
I know not what to say to any thing; there is some Spell upon me too. My anger has forsook me. What are those men that bear a countenance. As if they stood indifferently affected to Bedlam and Bridewell.  Clot. 
Meaning by us, sir. If our sight offend you,  
Know we are men that dare forbear the place.  Capt. 
I son, let's go, our stay is dangerous.  
They look like Peace-maintainers, we'll fall off.  Enter Vintner. Vint. 
O tarry, Gentlemen, we are all undone else. If you make not your peace before you stir, both you and I must suffer.  Capt. 
What's the matter?  Vint. 
The Magistrates and Officers with their Billmen have ta'en us by surprise. They are i'th' house.  Bett. 
O me! the blue Gown College.  Fran. 
Wheels and whips. I feel what we must go to. Did not I say our stay was dangerous?  Clot. 
Did not I say there was some subtle practice upon the Philoblatici? and that we were betrayed hither?  Vint. 
There's no escaping forth. And Gentlemen, It will but breed more scandal on my house, and the whole plantation here, if now you make rebellious uproar. Yield your weapons, and welcome Justice but like subjects new, and peace will follow.  Clot. 
But where's Nick? where's tony?  Mih. 
They shall yield up their weapons. So do you.  Capt. 
Yes yes, 'tis best.  Clot. 
Shall we, sir, shall we?  Mih. 
Yes sir, you shall.  Clot. 
So, sir, I will then, not the Blade alone. But for your more security, the Battoon, There see my Arms forth coming.  Exeunt. Mih. 
Say they shall have fair welcome, What are they married?  Enter Nick. Dorcas, Ant. Kat. Luc. Ant. 
Yes, as fast as troth and holy words can bind 'em.  Mih. 
'Tis well. Now sir, let me entreat your favour.  
'Tis my first suit to you since I was your son,  
That before others entrances distract our troubled  
scene, these may be reconciled.  Down. Brother Nicholas. Nick. 
Even unto the earth, sir, and humbled with as true a penitence, as son can be for wronging of a father, I beg your pardon and blessing.  Cros. 
Give it him, Brother Rooksbill, I dare say 'twill make him a good man.  Rook. 
Heaven make him so. My blessing and my prayers shall not be wanting.  Cros. 
What? my Niece Dorcas made an honest woman?  Gab. 
Was that the man that wronged my Cousin Dorcas?  Mih. 
Yes, and has now made ample recompense.  Enter Cockbrayne, Cit. Watch. Madgeo Cit. 
Here they are altogether, sir.  Cock. 
Lay hands on all. First, on that old Ruffian, the Incendiary, that sets the youthful bloods on fire here with his Infernal discipline. Next, take his sons, there's one, that young Blade there, Have I now got within ye, Gentlemen? will you have Songs ex tempore? know ye me now? a ha! I'll be called the Weeder of this Garden. Take up those She weeds there. I have the rank one here. I took her straggling in my Round e'en now.  Rook. 
My Tenant, I take it, Mrs. margery owlet.  Cros. 
Your widow sir, I think.  Mih. 
But for a shift sir, now you know my aim.  Mad. 
O good your worship, as you came of a woman.  Cock. 
Peace Circe's, cease thy charms. What cluster have we here now. O here's another of the sons of noise.  Rook. 
That's my son now, sir, by your leave, and I'll bail him.  Cook. 
What Mr. Rooksbil, are you here? what woman's this?  Cros. 
My Niece, sir, his son's wife. And I'll bail her.  Cock. 
What Mr. Croswill, you among this ging too?  
How will you 'scape commitment?  Cross. 
Why, Mr. Cockbrayne? how his brains crow now?  Cock. 
Who's here? your daughters too? but what are these?  Cros. 
I hope they'll prove my sons, and be indifferent men in time, sir, by that time their hair may grow, or be reduced to an indifferent length.  Mih. 
That's done on me already, sir.  Cros. 
Now he looks as like a Rogue as e'er he did again.  Gab. 
And sir, for me, now that my Cousin is restored, and the wild fury of my wine abated.  
I do you the obedience of a son, acknowledging my former formal habit was more of stubbornness then true devotion. For which I beg your pardon.  Cros. 
There's more deceit under these half Footballs, then in whole Pudding-bags. Well boys, be you indifferent sons, neither too hot nor too cold. I have found a fault in myself, I confess. I will reform it, and be an indifferent father.  Cock. 
O here's the man I sought, whom, I confess, I am half sorry to commit with the rest, because I found him civiller.  Ant. 
Hoping you will not stake that good opinion, I'll now come nearer to you. And since here is such a convention of love and joy. I hope my offering of a son's true duty may find I.  Cock. 
What? my son antony?  Cross. 
How? how? your son that should have had my daughter? Come hither Kate, now if thou lov'st him, take him. Are you content, friend Cockbrayne.  Cock. 
O sir, most happily.  Cros. 
Why run you not together?  Ant. 
It is too late, or needless now for me to marry her.  Cros. 
Is't come to that? and if I do not swinge him—. Are you too good, sir, for my daughter?  Ant. 
I do not say so, sir.  Cros. 
housewife, do you like him?  Kat. 
No more than he does me, sir.  Cros. 
Get you together, or I'll swaddle you both into one, you perverse fools.  Ant. 
Sir, the truth is, we are married already.  Kat. 
'Tis so, indeed, sir.  Cros. 
Heyday! who am I trow? how durst you do it without my consent?  Kat. 
I had your consent, sir, you commanded me to take my choice in whom I pleased, before you would take notice.  Cros. 
I cannot abide this wrangling. Give you joy.  Cock. 
Joy and my blessing on you. Why I know not whom to commit now.  Cros. 
You have done the Commonwealth a special piece of service the while with your state-brains. But let us make a night of this, I pray.  Cit. 
Sir, the parties have given me satisfaction, and I am content they be released.  Cros. 
There's an honest fellow now, and looks like one that would be beaten every day for ready money. Go now, while ye are well, and be seen no more in this Precinct.  All. 
Never and't please your worships, never.  Cros. 
'Twas built for no such vermin. Hence away.  
And may the place be purged so every day.  
'Tis no unworthy member may be found,  
To pester or to vilify this ground.  
That as it was intended, it may be  
A scene for Virtue and Nobility.     

EPILOGUE.  
'tIs not the poet's Art, nor all that we  
By life of Action can present on't, ye  
Can or ought make us to presume a Play  
Is good, 'tis you approve't. Which that you may  
It cannot misbecome us, since our gains  
Come by your favour, more than all our pains.  
Thus to submit us unto your commands.  
And humbly ask the favour at your hands.   

Another.  
'Tis done. And now that Poets can divine,  
Observe with what Nobility doth shine  
Fair Covent-Garden. And as that improves,  
May we find like Improvement in your Loves.  
FINIS.