HELL in an Uproar, Occasioned by A SCUFFLE That happened between the LAWYERS And the PHYSICIANS, FOR SUPERIORITY.  
A satire.  
LONDON, Printed for S. Cook, and are to be Sold by most Booksellers in London and Westminster. MDCC.   

Hell in an Uproar Occasioned by A SCUFFLE That happened between the Physicians and the Lawyers, etc.  

IT was when Day had spun her Silver Thread,  
And was withdrawn to rest her shining Head  
In those dark Caverns where refulgent Light  
Is conquered by the blackness of the Night;  
And every Mortal which is weary goes  
To rest him in the Arms of soft Repose,  
That I laid on a downy Bed, till Thought,  
By Morpheus, was to unthinking brought:  
I mean the ever wakeful part, my Soul  
From the confinement of the body Stole,  
To View those places which could not be Eyed,  
Whilst I was in a carnal Prison tied.   

Now, like those men whom flashes of false fire,  
Delude to ramble through Brakes, Ponds, and Mire,  
Thick Woods and Copses, over Hill and Dale,  
But leave them when the Day pulls off her Veil  
Of darkness, to Gild all the Earth with Light,  
Some Miles from home in a perplexed Fright;  
I followed Fancy wheresoever it went,  
To give my Curiosity content;  
Over high Mountains, Rivers, Capes, and Bays,  
Through Deserts, Wildernesses over Seas,  
But having viewed all the Surface side  
Of this vast Globe I was resolved to Ride  
Into the Bowels of the Earth, to spy  
What Secrets in her Pregnant Womb did lie,  
There Searched I Crannies, Mines, each hollow Rock,  
Nature's great Cabinet I did unlock,  
To ramble in the Entrails of the Sea,  
And all the Bounds of Neptune's Sovereignty.  
There Sirens on soft Beds of Sand were laid,  
And Tritons under Coral-Arbours played.  
Most monstrous Fish went rolling through the Waves;  
And Ships lay rotting in those deepless Graves.  
Then roved I to a Land which joins to Hell.   

Where as I was informed Death did dwell;  
It's barren, cold, depopulated dark,  
No light I saw but what flew from the Spark  
Of Torches, or the Flames of funeral Piles,  
Still used by Indians in the Eastern Isles,  
Or from some Lamp which commonly doth Burn  
For many Ages in a hidden Urn  
No Mortal Creature dwelled within his bounds,  
But nasty Worms which made polluted Wounds,  
In stinking Flesh and putrified Blood  
Which there lay Tainting ever since the Flood.  
And in the midst of this most dismal Land  
The Court of Nature's Slaughter Man doth stand,  
Whose Palace is hung inside and without,  
With Agues, Dropsies, colics, Palsies, Gout,  
In fine with Cancers, Ruptures, Vlcer's, Pox,  
And all the Plagues of Cursed Pandora's Box,  
There on a Throne raised on a high ascent  
Of some great King's Sepulchral Monument,  
Death, Hell's Purveyor, sat in Royal State,  
Grinning at Man's most Miserable Fate,  
Crowned with Wrath, he for his Sceptre bore  
An Iron Dart, that Reakt with humane Gore.  
His Robes were made of Linen Cloth, in which  
The Romans Burnt the Bodies of the Rich,  
To send their Souls to Heaven sooner, were  
Died crimson, Lined through with wasting Care,  
Despairing sorrows Anguish, furred with Fears;  
His Crown was Studded with relenting Tears,  
Which Wives for Husbands Shed; Men for their Wives,  
Children for Parents, Maids for Sweethearts lives.  
All those who waited on this King of Dread  
Were Fairies, and the Manes of the dead,  
And direful Hobgoblins, which delight  
To ramble in the Dismal shades of Night.  
In Meadows, Charnel-Houses, and Church-Yards;  
To frighten Pavidmen, these are the Guards  
Which go before the Harbingers of Hell,  
Who on a Pale-Horse rides abroad to Kill.   

Being Surprised at the Wretched Sight,  
I viewed, on all sides of this Land of Night,  
Between Resolves and Doubts, I could not tell,  
Whether, I'd best come back or go for Hell.  
At length Heart Prompting me to see the Place,  
Swiftness was added to my former Pace;  
I reached presently the Stygian Strand,  
Where sacred Hermes with his opiate Wand,  
Was stepping into Charon's Boat, with Souls  
Whose Mittimus was to those blazing Goals  
Of Pluto; spying me, his List he read,  
To see if I belonged to the Dead.  
But finding I was only crept away,  
For Pleasure from Receptacles of Clay.  
His Courtesy bade me step in the Boat,  
And promised that he'd see me safely out  
Again on Earth; by virtue of his Charms,  
He'd show me Hell, and keep me from her Charms.  
Thanking the God for his great Favour, I  
Stepped in amongst the rest, and Instantly  
The Oars with thick-fetched Strokes conveyed us  
Ashore, where the threeheaded Cerberus  
Barked with such a Shrill resounding Yell,  
That it Alarmed the Watch of Hell;  
Who came to see what Souls were coming in,  
The place were Sinners ever stay for Sin,  
Now being entered the Infernal Gates,  
I saw to my Amaze, the Ghastful Fates;  
On Convex mounts of Ice, deep Sulphurous Lakes,  
Where Furies with their Hairs of Hissing Snakes,  
Tortured condemned Ghosts with Rods of Fire;  
Plunged 'em in Surges of Eternal Ire:  
Others in concave Rocks were Chained, which Waves  
Of boiling Brimstone dashed against; some Slaves  
Of Terrors Skriekt to see the Gulf, which lies  
Between their Torments and eternal Joys;  
There Conscience flew about in dreadful Shapes  
To Frighten all the Damned, for none escapes  
The wrath of God.— I roved then through Dens  
Of Horror, nitrous Gullies, gloomy Fens;  
There's not a Rock but what was filled with fears,  
Sighs, Screeches, Vengeance, Frights, and briny Tears  
Which Scorched Tongues would Lap, but can't; they lie  
On kill Miseries, yet never die;  
I to Amazement saw some Damned broil  
On Flakes of divine Vengeance; others boil  
In Surges of destructive Pitch and Lead.  
The more they Roared, the more their Torments bred;  
Some tumbling through the deep Abyss, but found  
No bottom, then to fresher Pains rebound;  
Devils for Madness of the overthrow,  
Which makes 'em walk on Pavements, which do Glow  
Much hotter than consuming Aetna, where  
Great Pumice-Stones do Scorch the limpid Air;  
And from her burning Bowels, Flames are tossed  
Till Fields are in the midst of fire Lost.  
On some their Fury Wreak, which dire sights  
Did fill my Innocence with bitter Frights.  
Soaring through gleaming Airs where Daemons rule,  
My progress was prevented at a Pool,  
The vast Extent of which did seem to lie  
Beyond the Verge of deep Eternity;  
To tell the height the Sulphurous Waves did rise  
It is impossible, the lofty Skies  
Show not so high from Earth, as they did Flounce  
On Billows, which so Terrible did bounce  
As if the Magazines of Thunder were  
At once discharged to rend the liquid Air.  
No Souls was Tortured there, and ask why,  
I was informed, the Damned when they Lie,  
Felt not the pains they must feel; that's the place  
Where Souls shall suffer Pains in full; none Trace,  
Not Pluto King of Hell himself, that way  
Of burning Horrors, till the judgement Day,  
Upon the Banks of that Eye frightening Shore,  
(Where Wrath and Plagues will be increased more  
On Tortured Ghosts, which never will consume)  
Reside the Regent's of eternal Gloom.  
Perplexed as well as those which Humane were,  
In Tortures, Griefs, and Pains which endless are.  
But yet insulting over damned Souls,  
Which stumble (more the pity) there in Shoals.   

Returning on the wings of winged Speed,  
From those Apartments which makes conscience Bleed  
To lightsome Earth there happened to be  
An Uproar in these plains of Misery,  
So very terrible and great, that all  
The fallen Angels feared a second Fall.  
I espied by the signs that flew about,  
Physicians and the Lawyers had fell out,  
For in the Scuffle between the doting Sots  
There flew glass Bottles, Urinals, and Pots,  
Black Velvet Coats, and Beasts-Skins stuffed with Hay,  
Happy the Soul that's farthest from the Fray,  
Here Tipt-Staves knocked down some, there Maces beat  
Teeth down their Throats, in this great feud and heat,  
The Purses fly as thick as Hail, Caps, Gowns,  
Coifs, Writs of Error, there a Lawyer frowns  
And throws about Indentures, Leases, old  
Wormeaten Statute-Books, but Pluto told  
Of the Rencounter, sends his Guards to quell  
Those common Barretters of Peace, and Hell,  
And issued out Ne exeat Regno Writs  
That strangers should not leave those Sulphurous Pits,  
Till the ringleaders of this hellish Rout  
Were to a public Court of Justice brought,  
And tried for the offence: so, forced to stay,  
I heard the Trial  I came away.   

The Court now set, and Pluto likewise there,  
The Doctors and the Lawyers did appear:  
But Pluto, in whose Eyes appeared Ire,  
And sparkled nothing but Revenge and Fire,  
Enraged from his Flaming seat arose  
And through his Brazen Lungs his Fury blows,  
In such like words as these, ye Reprobates,  
How durst you make these Jars within my Gates;  
Do ye terrestrial villains strive to shake  
My Kingdoms with Rebellion? think to make  
A Conquest over me, who dare engage  
A second War with Heaven? in my rage  
If I yond Christial Arch could penetrate  
Once more should with my Forces tempt my Fate,  
With Angel's Blood that Milky causey Stain,  
And strive to Atomize the World again.  
How now can you weak Being's with me cope,  
On things impossible 've fixed hope,  
But for the bold Attempt in glowing Chains  
Ye shall be tied to Rocks of endless pains.  
This said, the three Infernal Judges spoke  
To the exasperated King of Smoke,  
Telling him that no Treason in the least  
Against him was designed, but at a Feast  
Some Doctors, and some Lawyers fell to blows,  
And made a noise concerning which of those  
Professions ought by Cheating most to take  
The upperhand, Sir, in this Sulphurous Lake,  
As we're Informed. Is't so, quoth Pluto, I  
Am satisfied, do you the matter try  
Between them. Then stern Minos, who was feed,  
Bade first the Lawyers in their Case proceed,  
Commanding that they open one by one  
The Knavish Tricks, when Mortal, they had done.   

Then at the Bar, T— n first did tell,  
(Who had an ancient standard been in Hell)  
That in his time, the Laws, to any Sense,  
He Wrested, did allow Kings could dispense  
With any Subject's Rights as they thought fit;  
To Articles of Treason did I set  
My Hand, and other Matters out of measure,  
To Murder Nobles at my Master's pleasure;  
For all Injustice I was so devout,  
That one at Tyburn for it cut my Throat.   

The next spoke P— n, who openly told the Court,  
Of Perjury and Lies I make a Sport:  
Nay, for my part, against all Law and Reason,  
I have upheld and vindicated Treason;  
For Crimes which did my haughty Humour puff,  
I lost my Ears, and wore a wooden Ruff.   

Next B— w, with a Stentor's Voice, prepared  
To speak, and thus his Sentiments declared,  
The Law, by all the World, is known to be  
Corrupted by the Lawyer's Knavery;  
So passing o'er their Quibbles, Cheats, and Quirks,  
I shall proceed to tell a Work of Works,  
Which I have done, a Work that equals all  
The Crimes almost which made the Angels Fall;  
I judged my lawful King, and doomed Fate,  
To stop his Breath before his Palace-gate,  
What nobler Sacrifice than that could be,  
A precedent for future Villainy?  
And for this Deed I think we Sergeants may,  
From Urine-shakers, bear the Bell away.   

Then thus spoke S— s, Grave Sirs, I must confess,  
I traced, like other Judges, Wickedness;  
Bribes I adored, to rich Men lent my Ear;  
Th' Oppressed, Poor Man's Cause would never hear;  
For any Criminal whose Purse was large,  
Juries I gave a favourable Charge  
For that which Lawyers with ill Conscience rake,  
A very tender, good Report I'd make  
Before Death-warrants by the King were Signed,  
For such whose Villainy was not behind-  
Hand with the greatest Criminals, and most  
Deserved to Die, but Crimes in Gold are lost.  
A matter that depends between the King,  
Himself, and Subject for an Offering  
Of Achan's Pelf; against all Right should run  
In favour of the Subject, this I've done.  
Witness ye Lawyers a great Doctor's Case  
Whose Guinnies saved his Life, he's in this place:  
Sirs, there he stands, he can't deny't; but I  
Was forced to scamper for my Knavery.  
I think no Men on Earth live more Profane  
Than Students in the Law, in Vice they Reign;  
They Drink and Whore all Night, i'th' Morning rise  
To Cousin, Swear, and tell a Thousand Lies:  
As long as Clients can feed us with Gold,  
Their Cause till Doomsday we can make it hold;  
But for the Poor Man's Cause, we let that fall,  
In Law the weakest goeth to the Wall:  
Of Folks they take more Fees than is their due,  
Take Fees of Plaintiff and Defendant too.  
To see how fast the Lawyers damn their Souls  
At the Exchequer, Common Pleas, and Rolls,  
The King's-bench-bar, Guildhall, I Vow and Swear  
Yeed think this place was represented there,  
Having got Clients, Land and Money too,  
In forma pauperis they're forced to sue;  
And then poor Rats we mind their Cause no more  
Than damning Bully does his nasty Whore,  
Who can't with Money oftener him supply,  
To lose at the Groom Porter's presently.  
Go in a Termtime to Westminster-Hall,  
Yeed see the place with Lies condensed, all  
Those ancient Courts methinks of Brimstone smell,  
That, not Vesuvius, is the mouth of Hell.  
If ye should hear what all the Chancellors,  
Attorneys, Judges, Clerks, Solicitors,  
And Barristers, which are in Hell could say,  
In reference to Cheating most, ye may  
Sat long enough, the list of all their Names  
Doth reach from Heaven to these blueish Flames.   

Next J—s spoke in Wrath, I could espy  
Rage in his Cheeks, and Fury in his Eye,  
He vented thus his Gall; Gut-cleansers think  
That we shall under them in Cheating sink?  
If stinking Physic is preferred before  
The Law, I never shall love Cheating more:  
I'm sure on Earth I've done enough to make  
The Devil love a Lawyer for my sake.  
When but a Barrister I got such Fame  
That Brawling was prefixed to my Name,  
As that great Epithet Superbus was  
Always to Tarquin's. O what mischiefs has  
Been hatched in me whilst I wore the Coif,  
And after I was furred, I mad such strife  
Between the King and Citizens, till they  
Had through my means their Charter took away,  
The Laws are good, but be too much abused,  
Because by Knaves they are so much misused:  
Some Jack-a-both-sides play, and always might,  
By Bribes and Favour overcometh Right.  
When Death snatched Charles from us, but left us James  
To Reign, all Glory be to both their Names!  
I plagued Oats with Whips and Pillory,  
For keeping Albion from Anarchy;  
I made him curse the time he'd ever been  
At Salamanca or a Papist seen.  
My bloody Temper could not be at rest,  
Till I had near three hundred in the West  
Of England caused to be Gibbetted  
For standing by a Peer who lost his Head.  
And when I came to have the Mace and Purse,  
Instead of growing better I grew worse.  
But when a Belgic Prince to England came,  
(Who much prohibits Fuel from this Flame,  
By his suppressing Vice) I was confined  
A Prisoner, where it buzzed in my mind,  
That if an Axe and Block was not my Fate,  
For Tyburn I must look to be a Bait;  
So fearing what I'd done for Hell was vain,  
I took a Dose to damn myself again;  
Thus doubly Damned, I hope they don't expect  
The Devil will advancing such neglect;  
Pulse-feelers, here's a shuffling sorry Crew  
Of Hackney-writers, who can bafflle you,  
If worse than ye are; they own as much,  
For Lodging, Ale, and Diet, as the Dutch  
Are since the last Engagement in Arrears  
To Englishmen for Fishing in their Seas;  
The Sheets 've Stole from Lodgings are enough  
To make for every damned Wretch a Ruff  
If Ruffs were here in fashion. Don't ye know,  
Impartial Judges, that we long ago  
Were counted bad, for Christ, in Scripture said,  
Woe, twice or thrice, to Lawyers, for they lad  
Poor Men with Burdens grievous to be born,  
But we would let the heavy Loads alone.   

Next W— t, about to praise the Lawyer's Trade,  
Aeacus interrupted him, and said,  
Enough has been declared of your side;  
Now let the Doctors speak, then we'll decide  
The difference between you presently:  
So Wakeman risen, made this Apology;  
I being by the Doctors chused to speak  
In their behalves all, Justice I do seek:  
The Lawyers swagger, and presume to take  
The upperhand of us, that always make  
An Interest to be great with Mammon; few  
Adored him more than we, we hugged him too.  
The captious Lawyers this and that do say;  
I'm sure we get our Gold as bad as they.  
Tradesmen we pillage till 've nothing left;  
The Poor, who of all Comfort are bereft,  
We come not nigh; but for the Gentry, who  
Have Golden Hooks to bait, we Gallop to  
Their Houses fast enough, both Night and Day  
We make a Coach and Horses dance the Hay:  
Through thick and thin we go, through cold and heat,  
To smell their Urine, feel how Pulses beat.  
Those we can Cure, if Money comes apace,  
We keep 'em backwards: Things that are more base  
We act; young Heirs that want their Father's Wills,  
Fee us to rid 'em with a Dose of Pills,  
Which we perform. Observe, when Princes Die  
In hugger mugger, there's some Villainy  
Of their sworn Doctors in their Death; ye know  
That I, when Mortal, for the overthrow  
Of Three fine Kingdoms, hired was to chase  
A Monarch's Ghost by Poison to a place  
Where Myriads should have followed him, to tell  
What Miseries they'd suffered since he fell:  
But this I own, had it not been for S— s,  
I had been Limb-mealed by the Sheriff's Dogs.  
Doctors, as well as Lawyers, dare Rebel  
Against their King; but to be short, pray tell  
Which Crime most Honour to Profession brings,  
Ruining Subjects, or the Poisoning Kings?   

This said, old Radamanth, who looked as Grave  
As Stoics, who at no Misfortune Rave,  
Declared his Opinion thus, I must  
Own that Physicians are not much in trust  
With Hell for any sort of Sin, alas!  
They have enough to purchase half this Mass  
Of blazing Lands, if they were to be sold,  
Doctors will always hazard Souls for Gold.  
But now to give the Lawyers their full weight,  
Of Praise, for Knavery they win the Plate  
From our Favour, we cannot disband  
A Lawyer; lucre, see doth make 'em stand  
With open Mouths, to catch the yellow Ore  
Which these hot Flames from Golden Mines do pour;  
When time shall come that Earth forgets her Weight,  
The Sea its Currents, and the Spheres their Height,  
And tumble into this Infernal Pit,  
Large Guineas they will swallow at a Bit:  
You Sin enough, but tother's ten times more;  
To Hell they're very little in the Score;  
The Templars, Lincolns-Inn, and Grays-Inn Sparks  
Are very fit to make the Devil Clerks;  
Wherefore they must take place of you, and be  
The next to Jesuits for Villainy.   

This said, the nitrous Judges broke up Court,  
And Lawyers gave for Joy so great a Shout  
That the Abyss that's bottomless did shake;  
And Ghosts in Fire chained called from a Lake  
Adjoining, where the Court was kept, to know  
The meaning of that sudden Voice below.  
Now Orders were that wandering Ghosts which came  
To view the Mansions of Eternal Flame,  
Must all departed the Kingdom presently;  
Which made me glad, and so with Mercury  
I came through Tophet, and the Land of Death,  
On Earth, and gave the Flesh its living Breath;  
And glad I was that I was got so well  
From Lawyers, Doctors, and the bounds of Hell.   
FINIS.