Nobody his Complaint A Dialogue between Master No Body, and Doctor Somebody. A delightful Discourse. By GEORGE BARON. Nobody. Why dost thou father all thy Lies On me? heaping Indignities On one that never injured thee? Somebody. My Words and Acts hurt Nobody. Nobody. Somebody hath belied me much, Nobody sure hath cause to grudge. cartoonish representation of two well-dressed male figures SomeBody NoBody London, Printed by B. Alsop, dwelling near the Upper-Pomp in Grubstreet, 1652. Nobodies Complaint. A Dialogue between Master Nobody, and Doctor Somebody. Nobody. OH my friend, M. Somebody, the heavens be thanked that I have so fortunately met with thee, to make thee acquainted with my sad condition; for I protest, that above this three months together, I have been so sad, so troubled in mind, and so perplexed with melancholy thoughts, that it hath almost brought me into despair. Somebody. Alas Mr. Nobody, these words of yours strikes grief unto my soul: for I never grieve more than when I hear that word, Despair. I desire you now without delay to tell me the occasion why, and wherefore you are so troubled. Nobo. Ha': I verily thought to have told thee but I will refrain, I know thou canst do me no good, nor none in the world. Som. None in the world! me thinks that is very strange; surely you are troubled with a disease that none in the world is besides. Nob. That which troubles me so, is no disease, therefore you are mistaken in that; but I must confess to thee, that I think it will bring diseases upon me. Som. Let me desire you then in the word of a friend, not to keep close to yourself those things which so much trouble you but impart them to me; you know I have been your old friend, and have always wished you well: Harken now to my counsel you know not how much good I may do you; I have been a Doctor in all parts of the world, and have cured many which I verily believe have been worse than you are, and here in my native Country I have performed cures, which I think you must needs hear of; and you having been troubled but three months, you will be the sooner cured. Nob, I know as good a Doctor as you are: and for all you have cured so many, yet nothing that you can do can cure me; for although I have been troubled in mind but three months, yet I have been past cure many thousand years: Were I as wise now as I have formerly been, I had never disquieted myself so much as I have done: but I must tell thee too, so many thousand years I have lived in hope that things would have grown better and better but now I see they grow worse and worse, which hath brought me into this lamentable condition. Som. You speak as if you were very old, and it is a common saying, that the older folk grow the more wit they have; but I perceive the older you grow the more fool you are. Me thinks you had done wisely, if you had slighted those things which did not please you, and so your thoughts had not been disquieted; but this that you have said now is a Paradox to me, I know not what your meaning is, in saying, that you have been troubled in mind but three months, and have been part cure thousands of years: I desire therefore, that you would demonstrate to me how this can be! Nob. Alas poor soul, I should be very willing to demonstrate to thee that my words are true, were I in the least hope that thou couldst do me any good: but knowing that thou art not potent enough to do it, I will never declare what it is that hath brought me into this sad condition, but keep it close to myself. Som. You may tell me however, whether I can do thee good or not; you know that I cannot make you worse, it may be I may make thee better; but I protest unto thee, that I never heard any speak such words as thou hast done, to say that thou hast been past cure thousands of years, I never heard nor read of any that hath been troubled in mind so long as you have been, but either they have been cured in a short time or else come to some desperate end; and more, I never heard or read of any that lived a thousand years, and you speak as if you were ten times as old as Methusalem. Nob. Thou tellest me thou canst not make me worse I am sure thou canst not make me better; and yet let me tell thee how thou canst make me worse: Thou mayest make me worse by thy abundance of words, for my mind is troubled enough already, but these tormenting words of thine, if thou holdest not thy tongue, will make me far worse than ever I have been yet: me thinks I am ashamed that thou being a Doctor, shouldest speak such simple werds, to say, thou canst not make me worse. But the truth is thy pocket (I think) is empty of money; thou wouldst be tampering with me to give me Physic: but know, that no Physic in the world can do me any good, and I know Doctor's love money very well. Thou sayest thou dost wonder that I should say I have been troubled in mind but three months, and have been past cure thousands of years; thou needest not to wonder at it, for what I have said is nothing but truth, and more I will tell thee that as I have a name by myself, so I am troubled about that which none in the world is besides myself. Som. Alas sir, I am sorry I should be a means to make you worse; for I ingeniously profess unto you, that I love you so well, that I should be almost contented to die, so that it might be a means to make you better: but I find now your mind is changed, for at my first meeting with you, you told me that you thought yourself infinite happy because you had so fortunately met with me, that you might acquaint me with your sad condition, and indeed I thought my words would have prevailed so much with you, that I should have driven away those sad cogitations, which do so perplex your mind; you need not be ashamed for that I said, I thought I could do you good (if you would tell me the occasion why you were so troubled:) if I had tried and could not, I hope you would have accepted the will for the deed, and for saying I dissemble and what I speak is for nothing but to get money out of you. I protest you do me a world of injury, I thank God, I have money enough but had I none it would be great necessity which should drive me to take money of you; and I must tell you more, that we Physicians are undeservedly scandalised by all sorts of people, whose saying is, that all of us love money very well, but alas 'tis contrary, for I think we value money less than any do, though we have more reason to love our money more than any do: I believe wise men will say so, if they consider the world of pains we endure rising out of our beds all hours of the night, and walking about all the day long to visit our patients so that we have scarce time to eat either dinners or suppers; I protest it is enough to bring diseases upon ourselves, and what would the people do then for Physicians? You say I need not wonder at what you said that you have been troubled in mind but three Months, and have been past cure thousands of years, you show me indeed a reason why I should not wonder at it because that I never heard any of your name besides yourself, and as you have a name by yourself, so you say you are troubled about that which none other is: But I pray you once again to tell me what it is; I am the more earnest, because none else hath been troubled with it. Nob. Surely you are long wound, and love to prittle prattle; but Physicians are so for the most part, they can tell a tale two or three hours together; but I do not say you can therefore excuse me: you know I love to be merry sometimes. Som. Ha, do you love to be merry, and said but now that you were almost in despair these three months together? I perceive you can lie as well as others: surely what you have said is not true, but only to see what I would say to it. Nob. What I have told you is true and if I should tell you my grief it would but grieve you. Som. Why do you tell me so? I should rejoice rather, for the assured hope and confidence I have to cure you, would make me rejoice. Nob. Cure me! me thinks thou speakest like a very fool: thou talkest of curing me if I would tell thee my grief; I have told thee already, and that is not enough, but thou must know the cause of it; Physicians desire no more but to know the disease. But surely thou art no Physician, but some Farrier, fit to cure a horse than a man, and now thou professest thyself a Doctor. Som. Sir me thinks you speak more like a fool than I; for though Physicians desire but to know the disease that avails not you for you have confessed that yours was no disease, but perplexity of mind; if I knew what did perplex thee, I might persuade you out of it. it is good counsel (if any thing) that must do you good, and this is the reason why I am so importunate: if this desire be simple, I have no wisdom in me. I beseech you let me make one more acquainted with the condition you are in, and I will be judged by him, whether or no that which I have spoken is simple; but why should I be so desirous to get means to cure you, seeing you so abuse me to my face, in calling me Farrier and more fit to cure a horse then to undertake to cure a man, I took you always to be my friend, but I perceive now that you are so far from it, that you are my absolute enemy, or else you would never have cast such aspersions upon me; what I have desired all this time that I have been present with you, hath been for your good and not for mine if you were so deep in despair, and it were impossible to cure you you know it will be nothing to me, I should never be the better or the worse, but being one of my old acquaintance, therefore I should be sorry to see you grow in despair: and for all you have abused me so to my face, yet I will never abuse you so, but esteem of you as my friend, I can forget injuries presently, you see how soon anger flies out of my breast I cannot retain it a moment within me: and now Sir, I would desire you to be wise, as you esteem your own good, and be not so selfwilled in your ways. No. What dost thou think I am a fool, and have lived so long in the world: I am as old (almost) as Adam, and wilt thou teach me to be wise, no know that I have wit enough, and I pray thee be not so angry, because I said thou art fit to cure a horse, then to undertake to cure a man for I protest I am sorry for it, and furthermore I tell thee, it proceeded more out of my passion, than any ill will I have towards thee and therefore pardon me for it, I know thou hast performed great cures, which I have heard divers men report, and I assure myself it is true: but me thinks thou didst ask me one simple question even now; which was, that thou desirest to acquaint another in what a condition I am in, but I must tell thee that I am so far from yielding to thy desire, that hadst thou not been one, whom I thought I might put confidence in, thyself should never have known it: furthermore know that I am passed all cure, and none can do no good. Som. Sir me thinks I am not simple, because I desired you to permit me that I might make another acquainted with your distressed estate; for thinking myself almost out of hope to prevail with you therefore I desired to acquaint another with it, to see whether he could prevail with you, and also to judge, whether that I spoke before was simple, and seeing you will not permit me to do this, I tell you plainly I am out of hope, that ever you will tell me what it is that troubles your mind. No. Me thinks that in all this time thou hast been discoursing with me, thou mightest have found out thyself what is it that hath almost brought me into despair. D. Som. Alas sir, I think it is impossible for me to dive into your thoughts, and by your discourse I cannot tell what it is. M. No. Impossible! that is not true, for I verily believe, had you as much wit as you profess you have; you must needs know. Som. Sir, I am no Devil nor Witch (though I am a Doctor) to tell such strange things: you told me I might have found it out having so long discourse with you; but truly I think, should I discourse ten times as long again with you I should not know. No. No, Devil nor Witch I believe you are not, but I cannot believe, but that you know already, what it is that troubles my mind so much. Som. I must thank you for the good opinion you have of me, but truly I must tell you again, I know not, neither do I think (without you tell me) I ever shall. No. Mr. Doctor, you need not be so desirous to know, but I think your Conscience accuseth you. Som. Accuse me! I desire you would tell me for what, for truly I know not. No. I must tell you plain, if your conscience do not accuse you, it may do justly. Som. I desire to know again what my conscience should accuse me of you have put me in great admiration, I know not what it should be unless some busy body hath told some false-tales on me. No. No Sir, know that none in the world ever told any tale to me, but what I know myself. Som. I desire then you would tell me what you know yourself of me. No. Know of thee? I shall tell presently, thyself is one that hath almost brought me into despair. Som. Oh woe is me, am I one that hath almost brought you into despair? the heavens forbidden it I should think I were the most unfortunates wretch in the world, should I be guilty of so heinous a crime. No. Now I perceive thine ignorance thou little thinkest wherein thou hast almost brought me in to despair, and for all thou sayest thou wouldst not for a world be guilty of so heinous a crime, yet I tell thee that thou art; but more I must tell thee, that there are thousands in the world that are more guilty than thou art. Som. You talk that I am guilty, and thousands which are more guilty, but all this time I know not of what I am guilty off, I would I were so wise to know, and then I doubt not, but I shall sufficiently satisfy you. No. Satisfy me! I know thou canst not satisfy me that thou art clear, for I am sure of the contrary, and I tell thee again, that thou, and more than thousands, yea the whole world, hath abused and wronged me. Som. Is that it that troubles you so much? me thinks this is the strangest thing that ever I heard of that all the world should abuse one man, I desire you would tell me how they have abused you, and then I will believe it. No. I can easily make it appear unto you in what the world have abused me: but what need I? I know thou canst not help it: one thing I tell thee more that these days of late I am more scandalised and wronged then ever I was heretofore, that I think the Devil is in them all. Som. Sir, pray be not so passionate, I think you will be frantic as you have said, I desire you would tell me how I have abused and belied you, and after you have told me, I desire you would proceed to tell me how all the world have scandalised you. No. Well, seeing you are so earnest to know I will tell you; but first thou must tell me, whether in all thy life thou hast committed any faults? Som. Alas Sir, there is none in the world but commits faults either one time or another (I think) I am sure for my part I have. No. Thou hast resolved me in this, now resolve me in one more I know thou canst do it, hast thou denied thy faults when thou hast done them, or no? Som. Truly Sir, I must confess unto you, that I love quietness very well, and when I have committed a fault, I do the best I can to excuse myself. No. That is not the thing I desired thee to tell me; I requested of thee when thou hast done a fault whether thou didst deny it, or no? Som. Then truly Sir, to tell you the truth, when I have committed a fault I denied that ever I did it? No. Who hast thou laid the fault on, or who hast thou said did it. Som. When I was asked who did it, I made answer that Nobody did it which I knew. No. Now have I found out by thy own words how thou hast abused and belied me, oh dissembling wretch, thou didst always pretend, that thou desirest to know what it was that had almost brought me in despair for my good; but now have I found out to the contrary: thou wouldst not for a world be the cause of any one's falling into despair, and thou hast been one cause of mine, I perceive thy dissimulation; I charged thee with it before, but thou didst deny it: now therefore tell me why thou castest such aspersions upon me, and so belly me, that when thou hadst done faults to lay it upon me. Som. Sir, you have put me in a maze I know not (as yet) what to say, but I desire you that you would give me a little time that I may answer you. No. Thou mayest well be in a maze, for I know thou canst not answer for thyself, thine own conscience is as a thousand witnesses against thee: thou didst think certainly that I would not have thought, that thou hadst abused me; but I know thou hast put many abuses on me: Now therefore confesss thy wickedness unto me, and that thou hast belied me, and I will forgive thee; provided, that thou will never do so again. Som. Truly Sir, I must confess that many thousand faults which I have done, I have denied, and when another hath been asked, he hath denied it, and another he denies it, and so all denies it, and at last it is concluded that No body did it: I confess I was ignorant of this, that I abused you. No. Ignorant of it, I cannot believe thee. thou art a dissembler, and I took thee always to be my friend, but I perceive now thou art mine enemy, or else thou wouldst never have cast such scandals on me behind my back. Som. Mr. Nobody, as long as I live I shall be ever bound to pray for you; for I protest I have learned more wit of you then ever I had in my life before, and now I beseech you sweet Sir, to pardon me for the abuses I have done you and I shall ever hereafter be careful that I tell no more lies on you, and once again sweet Mr. Nobody forgive me. No. Well, seeing thou hast so earnestly desired me to forgive thee I will, but be sure thou never tell more lies on me as thou hast formerly. So. I never thought thou had so much wit in you, as now I see you have, and me thinks you having so much wit might free yourself from the aspersions of the world. No. That I can never do for I am not able to bind people's tongues, and so long as they have them at liberty, so long shall I be abused. Som. You speak very true Sir, and now I pray show me how many things the world lay to your charge. No. That I will though to my grief show thee, and first I will begin with the high crimes, murder shall be the first; when any murder is done, I am accused for it, when inquiry is mode after it, none will own it, so it falleth on me poor Nobody, but I would have the world know, I am not guilty of such heinous crimes, and therefore when murders are done again, I would desire all people not to charge me with it. Som. All that you have said now is true, for I have been where men have been murdered, and when search and inquiry have been made for them that did it, they could not be found; so than the searchers have said surely this is strange, Nobody hath done it. And now Mr. Nobody I tell you, if I am in place where murders are found out again; I will do my best endeavour to clear you and not suffer such things to be laid to your charge. No. I thank thee kindly sweet Doctor I shall now esteem thee as a dear friend, but I know thy endeavours will be in vain, and therefore trouble not thyself, for if there was any means in the world I should have found it out before this time, and now I will proceed to tell thee some other crimes which are laid to my charge, but I know it is impossible to tell thee all Som. I desire you (sir) to stay a little while before you proceed, that I may ask you a question; whether you were ever taken upon suspicion of such things? Nob. I was never taken; for I am so swift of foot, and so vigilant, that 'tis impossible; also I am here and there in a moment. Som. You may rejoice much that you cannot be taken: and now you have satisfied me in this, I would desire you to proceed. Nobod. When Rogues have broken up houses, and stolen things, if they chance to escape, than I am accused for it, No body hath done it: what a most sad condition am I in, that must be thus abused. When Robberies are committed upon the highway, if they escape also, than I am accused for it; for they cover their faces with visards, thinking to make it like mine, when (alas) I am ignorant of it. When Houses are set on fire by Rogues, than I am accused for it; for they run away, and when enquiry is made for them, they are not to be found, than some say, This is strange, Nobody did it. Again, I am accused for swearing, though I never swore an Oath in my life; For when the Constable cometh, and demandeth ten groats for every Oath, than they straightway deny it, and say, they knew No body which swore: and thus you see I am abused, this is like to all the rest. Again, When a lying Pamplet comes out against the State, none owns it, so I am accused for it. Again, I am abused by Tradesmen, for when they buy a parcel of ware, and steal the Excise, and when the Excise-men come and demand it of them they deny it, and say, They knew No body which did it. Again. When Young Fellows have got Young Lasses with Child, than I am accused for it for they deny it, and say No body did it which they knew; all roguery falls on me, I must endure all. Again, In poor men's houses, both in City and Country I am abused, for when their children get to the Cupboard, and eat up the Bread and Cheese, and when their Parents ask, Who did it? they deny it, and say No body did it. In the houses of Kings, Dukes, Marquesses, Earls, Lords, Knights, Gentlemen, Tradesmen Yeomen. Farmers, Husbandmen, yea, and poor Labouring men, in all their Houses, the faults that are done are imputed to me; what a lamentable condition am I in, that should thus be scandalised before the whole world, what a grief is this to my soul, but I must be contented, I could tell thee thousands of ways more how I am abused, but I will omit them till I have told thee the pains that I take too. When Gentlemen, Knights, and such like ride journeys and have no serving men to wait upon them then I am fain to be their foot boy to run by their horse side. When folks are gone all out of their houses, then am I fain to be there, vigilantly to look to it, and keep it from all harm. When young fellows leaves their work and goes to play, then am I fain to work in their stead, that their masters may not be displeased with them. When soldiers are placed in a Castle to keep it, if it chance that an enemy comes against it, they like cowardly rogues steal away by night, and I am left (only) to keep it, thousands more I could tell thee of, but that I think it will be a vexation unto thee, yet however I will tell thee two or three more; the first is that when men are put to hard work, and cannot tell how do it, than I am fain to do it. When men neglect their business, and will not go to do it, then am I fain to go. Again, business that none in the world is able to do, that I am put to do. Again, when Knights Gentlemen, or others have any stinking meat in their house, that the dog is not able to eat, than I must; thus they requite me for my pains; oh ingrateful wretches look to it, for be confident that one day you shall all dearly rue for it: oh in what a deplorable condition I am in, to be abused by the whole world, is not this enough to bring me into despair. Som. Enough! yea half of them it is enough to bring any one into despair, & for my part Mr. Nobody, I will always lament your sad condition and pray that you may be delivered from them all. No. Ah, I thank thee kindly, what a great comfort have I in the enjoying of thy sweet company, would thou couldst continue with me always I should think myself then happy, though I have so many afflictions, and being I love thee so well, I will proceed to tell thee more. Som. Let me tell you one thing first which is a comfort to you. No. What is that? Som. Why this it is (as I conceive) when one Gentleman invites another, or one Lady another or more if they fail to come: than you are there in their stead so that by this thing you get a world of good cheer, and have all the dainties that is to be gotten; is not this true? No. Yes it is true that I am fain to be there, but the Devil as soon as any dainty I eat: but if I did, dost thou think that it would be such a comfort unto me; no know, that I am not such a belly-God: but my afflictions strikes nearer to my heart then all the comforts in the world do; dost thou think I take comfort in any thing? no no, I do not. Som. Alas Sir, the more sorry I am to hear it, that you take comfort in nothing oh I am grieved as much as you, to hear these deadly words: but one thing grieves me more than all the rest, that I must of necessity be gone from you for my occasions are so great, that if I should not go it would be n eternal infamy to me. No, Ah Sir, must you departed? I am sorry to hear it; but pray tell me why would it be such an infamy to you, if you should stay. Som. Sir I'll tell you, this morning I was with a sick patient of mine, and I promised in two hours to be with him again, and I have been above six hours from him, and truly I left him extreme ill, and should he die in the mean time, it would be an eternal infamy unto me. No. You speak very true, and seeing your occasions are so great, that you must be gone, I would desire you to appoint a time when we shall meet again, for I have not discovered half my griefs unto thee. Som. I cannot appoint a certain time when I shall meet you, but be confident Sir, that the next convenient opportunity I have, I will wait upon you. No. Well, be sure thou fail not in thy promise, and remember what I have said unto thee. Som. Yes Sir, I will remember all that you have said unto me, and so farewell till our next meeting. FINIS.