BARON TOMLINS Learned SPEECH To the SHERIFFS OF LONDON AND MIDDLESEX, When they came to be Sworn AT THE EXCHEQUER.  
LONDON, Printed in the Year, 1659.   

Baron Tomlin's LEARNED SPEECH To the Sheriffs of London, etc.  
How do you Mr. Warner? God save you Mr. Love. GEntlemen Citizens,  
I observe in you three things; First that ye are well clad; from whence I note that ye are no Slovens. Truly I wish I were a Sheriff, so it were not chargeable, and that I might always be in the Office, for certainly a Sheriff can never be a cold, his gown is so warm: and a my word yours seem to be excellent good Scarlet. Some men may ask why you wear red Gowns, and not blue, or green. As for blue, it is a colour that signifies Constancy; now Constancy cannot be attributed to Sheriffs; for a Sheriff, is a Sheriff this year, and none the next. As for Green, it is Mahomet's colour, and so too Heathenish for a Christian. I confess Fuillemoth, which signifies decay, had been the most proper colour for a Sheriff, because he puts off his Gown with the fall of the leaf; and secondly, because it may decay his Estate, if he be too expensive in his Office. But next to that, Red is the most convenient colour; for indeed most handsome and delectable things are Red, as Roses, Pomegranates, Maidenheads, the Lips, the Tongue, etc. so that indeed our Ancestors did wisely to cloth Magistrates with this decent and becoming colour. 'Tis true I have a Gown too, but they make me wear the worst of any Baron of th' Exchequer, 'tis plaincloth as ye see without any lining; y●t my comfort is, I am still a Baron, and I hope I shall be so, as long as I live; when I am dead, I care not who's Baron, or whether there be a Baron or no. The next thing I observe is, that ye look plump and ruddy, from whence I give a shrewd guess, that ye feed well, and truly if you do so, than you do well, which is my third and last observation concerning ye. But do you know wherefore you come hither? I don't question but you do; however, you must give me leave to tell ye, for in this place I am a better man than either of you both, or indeed both of you put together. Why then I will tell ye; you come hither to take your oaths before me: Gentlemen I am the Puisne Baron of the Chequer, that is to say, the meanest Baron; for though I am not guilty of interpreting many hard words, yet this hath been so continually beaten into my head, that I do very well understand it; However I could brook my means well enough (for some men tell me that I deserve no better) were it not the cause of my life's greatest misery, for here I am constrained, or else I must lose my employment, to make Speeches in my old age, and when I have one foot in the grave, to stand here with the other talking in public. Truly Gentleman 'tis a sad thing, you see what a forced put I am put to, even God help me out of this sinful world, for when my bones are at rest, my tongue will be at quiet. I remember, Gentlemen, when I was a Child, if my Mother had asked me if I would have any Victuals that pleased me not, why then I would grow sullen, and make no answer; then would she say, Sirrah will you have it? Speak; still not a word from me; nay then (said she) if you won't speak, you shall have nothing; this is my condition now, either speak or have nothing, that is be no Baron. I have prayed to God to mend my weak capacity, now if I speak better to day than I used to do, you will know that he hath heard my prayers, if not, then 'tis as it was. However, since it is my misfortune, I shall talk to ye as well as I can: But friends, you must not expect that I should ball to you like the fellows that cry Carrots and Turnips in the Street, for that would be troublesome to me, and perhaps cause the Almonds of my ears to fall, with over straining my impotent Lungs. And now it comes into my mind, I desire you when you are in your Office, not to let those fellows yaul so in a morning, for besides that, they will not let the people sleep, the Cry of Wisdom can never be heard in your Streets for the perpetual baling those Carters keep; and truly, if you do not remedy it, I am afraid you will as soon hear the lamentation of wild Nightingales, as the voice of wisdom in your City; Yet though I do not ball, do not think I will whisper neither, for than 'twere impossible you should hear me, and I should seem to sit upon the Bench like a Madman talking to myself; besides, the Proverb says, that where there's whispering, there's lying. Truly Gentlemen I am an old man, and have lived long in the world, and I can assure you I have observed these Proverbs, and find them to be wise say. I remember when I was a goung youth, 'tis a great while ago Gentlemen, I warrant ye 'tis above five and forty years ago, my Mother saw me fooling with a knife; Lay down the knife, boy, said she, 'tis a dangerous thing to play with edged tools. Truly Gentlemen I believe you find the truth of this; for had your City never meddled with edged tools, they and you I believe had been in a more thriving condition than now. At first you played with these edged tools in your Military and Artillery grounds, and made sport with them before your wives; but I think they have made sport with you since. Truly for my part I can't tell what to do for these edged tools; and I believe you are in a quandary too; for my part I resolve never to meddle with them, and I hope God has given you so much grace and Cowardice, as to do so too; King James would never meddle with them you know: now if you won't take my foolish advice, take his wise Counsel. But to return where I left, I say I will neither ball, nor speak softly, but talk in an indifferent tone between both, that you may hear me, and I may hear myself, and so we may all hear one another; and truly there's great reason for't, for by hearing we convey our reason one to another. Now that I have reason, I shall prove; for every man is a rational Creature, now I am a man, therefore I am a reasonable Creature. Gentlemen this makes as much for you as for me; for by this do I prove you likewise to be rational Creatures, and so fit to be Sheriffs; Thus I find ye qualified for your Office. And truly Gentlemen, Sheriffs are men of very great Antiquity and Authority; Some are of opinion that Sheriffs were invented in Tyre and Zidon; truly Gentlemen, it stands with reason, for I am sure they were the first inventors of Scarlet; but to leave this opinion, I do find in the Bible how Joseph was by Pharaoh King of Egypt made Sheriff of Gran Cairo; And Daniel also was by Nebuchadnezar King of Assyria made Sheriff of Babylon. In the first place their habit proves this to be true, for they wore the same badges of their Authority as you have, that is to say Scarlet Gowns and gold Chains. I will not dispute whether their Gowns were lined with fur or no, neither was it material, nor indeed so requisite, the hotness of those Countries not permitting that formality. Secondly we read how Joseph arrested his Brothers for carrying away his plate, which he could not have done, had he not had Bailiffs and Sergeants under him, Officers peculiar to a Sheriff; and to make it more evident, we do not find that he took out his Writ out of any other Office, but his own, which he could not have warranted, had he not been Sheriff himself. But you will say, where were the two Sheriffs, to parallel our two Sheriffs? to that I answer, where was there a County of Middlesex belonging to either of those Cities for the other person to be Sheriff of? was it requisite there should be two Sheriffs in those places, where there was never a County of Middlesex, because there are two Sheriffs of London, where there is a County of Middlesex? No, for it is the County makes the Sheriff, not the Sheriff makes the County. This Gentlemen is Law. Now Gentlemen I shall tell ye more than ever you heard before, to show you that I have not spent my time in idleness, which is this, that as there is an Archangel, and an Archbishop, and an Archdeacon, so is there an Arch-Sheriff, which is Satan or Beelzebub the Prince of the Air; this is evident from the duty of his employment; for as it is your duty to punish offenders and Sinners in this world, so it is his duty to punish sinners and offenders both in this world and in the world to come. And now I speak of your employment, I shall tell you what it is; First you are the chief Jailers of the Nation, and it is your duty to keep those persons that are committed to your charge, as close, as your wives lock up their best Jewels; To this purpose Mr. Warner, are the two Counters at your disposal, and Newgate, Mr. Love, is appointed for your Portion. Secondly you are the chief Executioners of Sentences upon Malefactors, whether it be whipping, burning, or hanging, thus Mr. Sheriffs, doth Tyburn become your Lot. And now we talk of hanging, Mr. Sheriff, I shall entreat a favour of you; I have a Kinsman at your end of the Town a Rope maker, I know you will have many occasions before this time twelve month, and I hope I have spoken in time, pray make use of him, you'll do the poor man a favour, and yourself no prejudice. Pray Gentlemen what have you to dinner? for I profess I forgot to go to Market yesterday, that I might get my speech by heart. Truly Gentlemen I count it no dishonour to go to market my sesf; there is no trusting to servants; had you lived as long in the world as I have done, you would say so; when I was a young man as you are, I thought scorn to go to Market then as well as you; but since I went myself, I find that my servants cheated me of I warrant you five pound in a year, they would reckon me two shillings for a leg of Mutton, which I can buy as good a one now for five groats and two pence. One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve a clock, well God buy to ye Gentlemen; but stay, I have forgot the main thing ye came for: I must give you your oath. Lord what a crazy memory have I? but you must excuse me Gentlemen, my thoughts are not ubiquitary, they cannot be in your Kitchen and my head both at one time. Gentlemen there are several sorts of oaths; there's the Protectors oath, by the living God, there's the Cavaliers oath, God dam me; and her's the Chambermaid's oath, As I am honest. Then there is an oath which you are to swear, and which all men swear that take upon them employments of trust; So help me God. Now some men say this is not an oath, but I say it is; So some men say that Faith is no oath, but my conscience tells me the contrary. Truly there are so many opinions that a man cannot tell which to believe. However I have sworn this oath twenty times, and would do twenty times more, before I would lose my place. But why do I use persuasion? I see you are come with a resolution to swear, and I am come to swear ye, and so we are agreed. Well now you have heard what those things are which you must swear; lay your hands on the book and say, As God help us Mr. Baron, we will perform all these things as well as we can. Thus Mr. Sheriffs you hear what you have sworn; pray be diligent and careful to observe every particular, fear God, obey your Superiors, and Rule your City with prudence; that as you are Sheriffs you may become Mayors, and being Mayors may be Knighted, and being Knighted, may die full of age and worship, and be buried with Scocheons. Now Mr. Sheriffs get ye home, kiss your wives, and by that time the Cloth's laid I'll be with ye, and so God buy till I see ye again.   
The End.