A CHARITABLE CHURCH WARDEN.  
OR, An Hypocrite Anatomised.  
Set forth in a Discourse between two Churchwardens, one of them being an honest man, and that's a wonder.  
Wherein is discovered the manifold abuses and impious Actions of many Officers in this City, with the oppression of the poors Box, frequently used by many Churchwardens, especially by him which is here mentioned.  
Very pleasant and delectable, and very true i'll assure you, as Master Coniwooll the Churchwarden can witnesss.  
Written by Thomas telltruth, and dedicated to all those that are well-willers to virtue, and despisers of vice.  
LONDON, Printed for JOHN THOMAS. 1641.   

The Charitable Churchwardens,  Mr. Coney-woole, and Mr. Trueman. Trueman. 
WEll met Mr. Coniwooll? whether away so fast this melancholy morning.  Con. 
Troth neighbour, I am going to get a protection, or a justice's warrant.  True. 
What's the matter man?  Con. 
J●e tell you Neighbour, you know that last winter coals were extreme dear, and our Parishioners being charitably disposed laid in thirty cauldron of coals at their own charge for the relief of the poor, and because I could get no sellering so convenient for my own benefit I laid them in my own, and alack you know we poor Churchwardens take all and pay all, we bear all the burden of the Parish upon our backs, therefore I thought best now while I had the staff in my own hand, to make use of time, and get something by my place, and yet as I am an honest man I sold the poor folks them at a reasonable rate, they gave me but sixteene-pences a bushel.  Tru. 
What did they cost you?  Con. 
Why truly Neighbour they cost me (as I am an honest man seven pence a bushel, I got but poor 9 pence in a bushel.  Tru. 
was not that enough Neighbour?  Con. 
On my honesty neighbour 'twas very reasonable, and yet these beggarly Rogues are not content, but abuse me, and throw dirt upon my hats, nay the dagletaile water bearers threaten to scratch my eyes out, nay my seven stars are so embroidered with kennell-durt, that they appear like so many broken Citizens muffled in black cloaks to hid them from the fangs of Tripes & his griping associates and long nailed Griffins, wherefore I intent to go; to a Justice that promised me not (Long) ago to stand my friend and bind them all to the peace.  Tru. 
Believe him not, he durst not do it, he dares not take your part in so  a cause.  Con. 
Is it not just that every one should live by his calling, am not I called to be a Churchwarden, and when did your ever know but that the Churchwarden shared with the poor, shall a man have a place and shall he not make a benefit of it.  Tru. 
But Neighbour such benefit will turn to loss in the end, the curses of the poor are like kill plagues theirs no resisting of them.  Con. 
Tut, tut, tell not me of their curses, what care I if they starve so that I have enough, what care I if they sit and blow their fingers for want of fire, so I have coals, yet if they will give me my price I care not if I trust any poor man for half a bushel, provided that they leave me a sufficient pawn, the times are dangerous, and I am loath to be a loser by my love.  Tru. 
Well Brother, I am sorry to hear your resolution, but pray tell me when you were overseer for the poor, how did you order your sums of money that were gathered.  Con. 
By rates, and that which was given on Communion days, than Brother are you to learn that, at these years, i'll tell you every inferior Office from the under Beadle to the Doctor of the Parish is perfect in that acquaint mystery.  Tru. 
Pray relate it.  Con. 
As for moneys gathered by rates, that we for the more gloss to colour our proceeding, distribute justly to the poor according to their necessities, because they partly know to what value the rates amount, only now and then we share a crown or an Angel, for expenses spent in our Circuits, though perhaps we spend not above six pence, alas Brother you know the labourer is worthy of his hire.  Tru. 
But for the other moneys which is gathered on Communion days.  Con. 
That is equally shared amongst the poor Officers, alas; Sack must be had in the morning to make us speak clear and cry, Pray remember the Poor, hearty, and then at noon a cup of burnt wine to warm us after we have stood an hour in the cold, alas Brother, our places are chargeable, and therefore we had need have some come in, should the poor have all and we none, they would be rich, and then we should be poor Churchwardens indeed.  Tru. 
I have often wondered indeed, that men have been so ambitious to get Offices, which I conceived could not choose but be very expensive and laborious, but never knew till now what the reason was, I had thought it had been a charitable disposition that induced them to take upon them so troublesome a Stewardship.  Con. 
No no brother you are deceived, 'tis no such matter, 'tis ambition to have our wives pleased, who are never content though we do as much as possible we can ourselves, and wink at their do abroad, yet if they be not exalted as high as their Husband's crests, they never leave pouting, and perhaps scolding too at their Husband's want of sufficiency (of wit I mean)  Tru. 
Speak you by experience Master Coniwooll, was your wife guilty that way.  Con. 
O abominably, she was never quiet till she had the title of Mrs. Churchwardon, that she might take the upper hand of her betters, and sit in the chief places at Gossip and Feasts, than flew my stock for this taffeta Petticoat, and that laced Gorget, that I protest to you Neighbour as I am an honest man, had not the poors box helped me and lent me money a matter of five and twenty times in one year, I had been as poor as job, and as low a Rascal as ever lay under a Hedge.  Tru. 
It seems neighbour the poors box has been a true friend to you, that has furnished you upon all occasions.  Con. 
I protest to you in sincerity, it has been an indifferent friend, but I have had many strings to my Bow. For I had the fortune to be made Executor to a good Gentleman, he left me a brace of thousand pounds, Heaven rest his soul, but I thank my wit I increased it, for every Legacy that he gave, I detained in my hands some twelve months, putting them off with fair promises, and that I could not get in debts, then after I had made use of the money a matter of a twelve month, I paid them their moneys all in farthings a crown sealed up together, and out of every crown I gelded a shilling.  Tru. 
But would they take them, were they content with farthings.  Con. 
Content or not, it is all one to me if they would take & give me a discharge they might, if not they should not get a cross, tush, I knew them poor, and should they go to Law i'd make their Legacies serve to fee some clubfisted Lawyer, and hold them play with their own moneys.  Tru. 
But do not you think of death, your illgot goods will never thrive, besides do not you fear to boast these actions, your Parishioners by your own words may overthrow you, and force you to make a restitution.  Con. 
I let them, alas they dare not, they are as deep themselves, besides the Masters of our Parish you know, are of my profession and I can plague them, I know they do not love me, but they dare not displease or tax my actions, because themselves are guilty of the same.  Tru. 
Pray sir relate, how you can curb them, and keep them so in Awe.  Con. 
I shall sir, I have a Patent lately granted, me, to buy, engross, and sell all sorts of Coniwooll which make our Castor's, nor can they buy a hand full in the City but what they fetch from me, at such a rate as I shall please to afford to sell them at, and should they mutter at my equal share, or week's allowance from the Poor-man's box, i'd so torment them with my Coniwooll, there should not be a Castor in the Kingdom but what my shop should utter.  Tru. 
Believe me a rare Project.  Con. 
A Project, the Abel-Alderman was but an Ass to me, I have got more by my Patent in one month, than ever he shall do as long as he lives, although he should broach his own Hogshead, and Kilverts to boot, tush there's ne'er a state informer of them all that I fear, i'll live secure and merrily, and brother be ruled by me, you are but newly come to your place, but if you'll come to my house, I will give you such directions, as I warrant, you although the poor curse you, the curse of poverty shall never fall upon you.  Tru. 
Well neighbour, I will come and see you.  Con. 
You shall be kindly welcome, I must away to find my justice, I fear I have stayed to (Long) and then those beggarly Rogues will scape his powdering tub, farewell neighbour, farewell.  Tru. 
Ill shall he far, that takes thy council, had I not believed it; well my fair Haberdasher, it shall go hard but i'll spoil your proceeding, and be a means to right the poor, which in this City suffers under the tyranny of such irreligious Officers, but first i'll go and deliver a Copy of these abuses to the higher Powers, and I will come a witness against this groping Haberdasher, It's not his lease for a long life shall secure him, if I prevail, and that the poor obtain what I desire.  
In stead of curses, I shall have their prayer,  
My cause is just then why should I despair,  
Poor folks pray for me, for till death i'll stand,  
The best Churchwarden, in this English Land.  
FINIS,