A CASE FOR The City-Spectacles. When we were well at ease and could not see't, But sought I know not what, I think 'tis meet Our Noses should be Spectacled to makes see better, And read our troubles in a larger Letter: Now Gentlemen take it not in disgrace, If I do put your Spectacles in a Case; For if they fall, you'll break them ten to one, And then you must buy new of Turlington: As for the horns they'll serve for nothing after, But to show Fentons' fortune and more laughter. Both well preserved help our dim purblind eyes To see afresh our printed miseries. Printed in the Year 1648. A CASE FOR The City-Spectacles. THe City Spectacle-maker no doubt is an honest man, and a good workman, and hath a special insight in his Trade; yet some flaws I find in the horne-worke, and a crack or two in the sight, which I needs must have mended before I put them up into my Case. He gins well, and fronts his Treatise with a pious Prologue, as the zealous nose upon which he intends to hang the substance of his ensuing Discourse. And first he describes the present face of things by way of Comparison, stc parvis componere magnasolebam: In an Arithmetical way he deciphers out unto us the Sects and Heresies of these times in a conjuncture, and the total sum I find is in all but ten, leaving out the principal Mountebanks, verbi gratiâ, Seekers, Shakers', Excize-men, and the damnable Sect of Committee-men, who hold the taking away of men's lives, and Lands, and Goods by an Apocryphal Ordinance; a Tenent which neither St. Augustine, Jerome, Chrisostome, nor the Counsel of Nice ever heard of, besides those Shakers' that are troubled with Enthusiastic divine Agues, and speak idly in their hot fits. Then he reckons up in a Catalogue the design of Nye, Goodwin, Symson, and the rest of those State-Scrupins, with the blessed Generation of pimping Pamphleteers, all casting their heads together (like so many Jewels) to make a Molten Calse of Cromwell, and set him up up for the sole bringer out of Egypt; when as in truth he hath many victories fathered upon him which good man, he was never guilty of. His Copper nose began to sound a Retreat at Maston-Moor, but Craford took him by the care and wrung him a peg higher, and set him to the tune of Loath to departed. He tells us, Adjutant General Grace was turned out of all only for looking on the City Remonstrance, that is a base lie; for besides that, he was acquainted with major-general Skippon, and was a Scot and an honest man, and once was accused of being drunk, which when they could not prove, by a Metaphor, they attested that they saw him reeling to the Presbyterian party, and so unfit for the company of sober Independents. Next he brings in the new elect Members of the Army, and gins to scandalise those Gentlemen with a matter of truth: He would not so despise Colonel Baxter for his rings, thimbles, and bodkins, if he knew the worth of them as well as Mr. Peter's does, who handsomely persuaded the zealous sisters of the Associate Counties out of their Thumbrings, Thimbles and Bodkins in the beginning of these troubles. As for Watson the Scout-Master Dormant in a Field Argent, I must needs confess he is a worchy Bull-Finch, that hath constantly whistled these three years to the tune of seven pound per diem: would I had but half the proportion for making Spectacle Cases. and although Colonel Hewson was a shoemaker in times past, what then? now he is set up in the instep, and all his conditions new vampt, and walks uprightly according to the new translation. Indeed I cannot but say the Specctacle-maker hath given a true copy of Colonel Harrison the Quondam Clerk, the world is well amended with him, since his Bonds are turned into Commissions, his Pen into a Pistol, and his Inkhorn into a Mortar Piece: but how he comes to deserve all this, nos quidem ignoramus, that he got into the saddle and advanced himself by a foregame, called Preoccupation, Noverint Vniversi: But how and what he gets by an aftergame called, Corpus cum Caudâ, no man can know but by a Scire facias, alias Fiery facies. Next to him our Operator brings in Pride (the Emblem of the Army) upon his Dray, this was he that swelled like puff-paste in his March through the City, and foamed at the Boung-hole, as who should say, Here comes strong beer, the Citizens to quell, A Dray-man boiled up to a Colonel: But yet for all his Military Art, At Nazeby fight he let a Brewer's Fart, Which did promote the working of the Barm, And made him run out of the reach of harm; Some say, towards the Windmill, where he found Many great Officers buried above ground: By which he scap't a furious assault, And parled with th' Miller 'bout the price of Malt. O what a litter of Trojan Puppies were got into the belly of that wooden Beast! Had Don Quixot found out that nest of young Giants, it would have eternally confirmed his wild opinion, and Sancho himself would have been convinced, and swore it a Shee-Gyant big with Puppy. I cannot blame Hammond for going thither to comb out his Periwig, and powder it with flower; Gunpowder would have spoiled it: and the rest (no doubt) they had tolerable excuses. Some impute the instability of those giddy brains to this one handsel: I am not of that opinion, for my Lord Wharton went the clean contrary way, and yet is troubled with the same disease. As for Col. Okey the Tailor, I took him to be well descended, and to derive his Pedigree from John a Leyden, and is a man of fashion, and gets more by Lists in one day, then in a year heretofore. In the next place the Spectacles tell us of the design of the reformed Jesuits, del, Peter, Erbury, etc. to poison the whole Kingdom with errors. Here the Spectacles show us no more than we saw before, just like those that M. John Turlington sold to M. Lambert, without Glasses. Who would not at the first sight (without a Comment) take Peter's for a Buffoon, a Squib, a Hocus Pocus, a Thimble Catcher, a Pulpit Baboon, an ignit fatuus? He is a mere dunce in Physiognomy, that cannot spell Jesuit out of Dells aspect; and he that ever saw Saltmarsh, and could not guess him to be Cromwell's Trumpeter, surely he never saw the picture of the four Winds. Erbury the Seeker looks down on the ground like a Mole-catcher, and strikes people blind with errors, and has six pence a piece (for every one that he catches) of the Treasurer. I will assure you, a very subtle trade. To proceed; our Informer here tells us of nine ways how the City was betrayed, and here the Glass multiplies; for I can tell you in two words how it came about, the Army was wise, and the City was otherwise; a tame thing, a house Sparrow, a tame Squirrel with a gold chain: what violence could ever have ravished her, had she kept herself close together, and (according to the custom) cried out to the neighbouring Counties? I say, these men-Fornicators that have violated all her younger sisters, with all the Country Milkmaids and Dary Wenches in the Kingdom, yet they never have entered here: But now she has lost her veil, and what is become of her credit? 'tis pawned in the Tower. Now to the purpose. In the residue of his Discourse he juggles, and describes the shuffling of the Cards; Munsterians shuffled in, honest men shuffled out: The man means well, and speaks truth in the general, but warpes in some particulars. Tichburne indeed does look like an Ale-bury or a Lemon posset, but may not his Yard by a Trope spiritual be turned into a Truncheon? and may not his Counters in time grow up to Breast-works and Fortifications, and all his corpse linen be made into tents? I cannot condemn the Parliament or Army for sending our Lord Mayor, Bunce, Langham, and the rest into the Tower; who bid them be rich? Were they as poor as I am, their carcases would never have paid the Tower Fees. But they have served the Parliaments turn; and Turkish Justice being now most in fashion, the best reward they can expect from Duke D'Aloa, Don Say & Seal, must be a bowstring or a mallet: Perhaps their stars may help them to the favour to be let out at the backdoor in their shirts. Now here he gins to ring the changes, and in the first place he omits the great Bell, had we not a Lord Mayor changed? A good sound Bow Bell for a brass Candlestick, a grave sage Citizen for a wooden Tobacco-stopper with a face upon it, one whose estate goes upon Crutches, else why should he within this month take up 1000 l. at 7. l. per cent. to eek out out his Mayoralty, besides the Christmas frugality into the bargain? But I cannot but say he is a valiant Commander, and did the other day behave himself courageously against the Rosemary Idol in Cornhill: but his horse taking Rosemary and Bays in the whipping sense, was transported with passion, and ran with his Worship into Birchen Lane, and like a horse (as he was) as void of understanding as his Master, would not be persuaded by his Ministers the Sergeans to come back from his resty opinion, so that Mr. Mayor was forced to march on foot to the battle, where he routed the enemy, to the great applause of all the Apprentices. And so he got himself eternal praise, With Ivy, Holly, Rosemary and Bayss: Then marched he home with his renowned force, Which shall yet flourish like a green Bay-horse. So I took my leave of his Worship, and from the hemne of his Gown I descend to the skirts of the Buff Jacket, where I must sit a while and inquire, whether my Spectacles see equally on both sides. Wilson and Camfield are gallant men, and know what belongs to beef and cabbade as well as any of the old Militia; and for Captain Petitoes, you can expect no great valour of him, since he is all feet, and hath a natural inclination to run: What though Colonel Roe kept a Bull Ordinary, and made his Regiment pay well for the same, cannot you be content to far well for your money, but must cry Roastmeat? In that which thou callest Juxon swearing fantastic fool, I shall desire thee to turn swearing into squeaking; for those that have both their ears to hear him, say he speaks like the hinges of a starved buttery door that whines for grease. All his Oaths before they can be uttered, dwindle into lies. Lieutenant-colonell Hewson was unworthily put out, and there indeed they put by a Man to put in a Manby, of whom, because he is a Scrivener, I will say nothing, least being somewhat skilled in the Law, he may bring an action of the Case against me, and to escape a scourging, I will wash my hands of Hayes: yet I am resolved to have a fling at Cushion, that Merchant Taylor Cushion, that Floxi, nausi, nihili, pili, and so let him go to the Army where he is much in use, spurn Cushion being the only recreation after dinner and supper with the Grandees, instead of throwing of Dice. In the blue Regiment he brings in Underwood the Tobacco-seller, who looks as if he fed on nothing but Mundungo, and the stalks grew out at his chin, take away Under and there remains Wood, add Cock, and that will spell his behaviour at Abbington; for there like a bird of valour he did most courageously hid his Coxcomb. All that you can allege against Colonel Harrison, is that he loves Pie and Custard, I say 'tis Pap and Custard, and good reason too, for he can eat no other meat, since his teeth were beat out in a Banquet Battle with sugar plums. Sir, you are much over-seen in meddling with Estwicke, for since he hath commenced Lord, he looks like the Devil over Lincoln, and walks four stories high, and makes nothing to take the wall of Sir John Oldcastle. I wonder you dare be so hardy as to meddle with Fenton the Button-maker, cornu ferit ille, caveto: you do not tell the story of him right, for he first hide himself in the Barn, where his arse made buttons, while his wife made loops at home, and upon his retreat a Cavalier (to set him up in his trade with credit) bestowed on his Worship's tail a button of lead. And to augment the festering of the sore, Whilst he was shot behind, his wife was shot before. But like a careful Husband full of pity, he'd have her wound searched by a Committee; Who did at last conclude her credit mortal, Because the Shot had pierced the Vena Portall: And so his Vessel proved to be a Nullidge, Being unfortunately split at Dullidge. Next Blackwell is excepted against: He looks in hi● Scarlet Coat like a jack a Le●… new trimmed. I am not well acquainted with the man; but if I knew him as well as his Namesake, the Maiden Champion, I would say he were a Coward. I have heard say when he was in Cornwell, the Cavaliers threatened if they caught him they would geld him: after which (to save those small evidences of his Manhood) he could never be got out upon what Service soever. It seems you stumble at Stone; yet you cannot but say he is an honest man: All that you can object against him, is, that he is as unfit to be a Commander as to build Paul's; and in my mind that Comparison makes for him, for how can it be built without it? But Doctor Burgess, that ninth Pin of Presbytery, is much of that opinion; and therefore has converted those profane Quarries to pave his Kitchen, and sold the rest to buy Printed Sermons to build up the Spiritual Temple with his longwinded Ciceronian Tone. Oh this 400 l. per annum is better then green Ginger and Anniseeds to strengthen the Lungs. The next man that is accused for insufficiency, is one White, in exchange of one Potter. This Potter is accused for making the Spectacles, because it seems his valour at Cheriton Down is mentioned but modestly. I do not think he was the man, though his eyes are so little when he laughs that one would think he might well need Spectacles. Others say, Captain Haynes the Scrivener made them, and swears by these Presents be it known: Others Burrowes the Stationer; and say he found Pen, Ink, and Paper, Haines copied it out, and one Lamb (that stole a twelvemonths wit at Cambridge) made it. But I know what I know, and I know Master John Turlington too, that stout honest Blade, and yet it was not he neither, who e'er it was: I say as I said before, he was a good Workman, and they fit the Nose of the Militia very well, and show them in a full Character the errors of their last Edition. O yes, if there be any one, Town or Country, Independent, Presbyterial, Malignant, or Neuter, that can tell tidings of that notable knave that made the City Spectacles, let them or any of them bring him (if they can) to Signior povero Parlator at the Sign of, This House is to be let in Tower-street, or at the Horns point blank against the North door of Paul's, and he shall be well paid for his pains. I should end here, but I must cover my case with two or three Stories. And first I will begin with that Arch-Presbyteriall Knight, Sir Peter Wentworth, a great, enemy to Independency. This Sir Peter de Buckingham-shire being very vigilant against the Incursions of the Enemy there, exhorted his Neighbours and Countrymen to raise six hundred Horse and Dragoones, and send them to him with forty shillings a man in their Furse, and he would secure the Country. When they were come, he made an Oration to them of the danger of the Service for such young freshwater Soldiers to undertake; besides the necessity of their occasions which called them home, being Harvest time, and the care that he should have to provide sufficient Riders for them, so that they would contribute every man his forty shillings and. Arms: His gaping Auditors were scone exhorted to retreat, and he most manfully led his Cavalry to Smithfield, where his Worship designed to make Horses cheap by glutting the Market. I will assure you a brave piece of State-policy as ever I heard of. Secondly, to divide my Text, I will add one of the contrary Faction, the Knight of the burning Pestle, Sir Henry Martin, that Coney-catching Senator, that in a Dearth of flesh ravished the Nossell of a Candlestick, and spoiled the squinting Maidenhead of a Candle's end, which has so inflamed his Cap of Maintenance, as ever since he seeks to quench it in every Puddle. One of which the other day he had got not fare from the Exchange; and scarce had he tuned his Instrument, but in comes the pretended Husband, and slackens his resolutions with two or three handsome Oaths: What offer to abuse my wife? etc. To be short, our anarchical Reformer chokes the flame of his Passion with ten Pieces in hand, and a Bond for twenty or thirty more. So he marched away with Bullet in the mouth, Match cocked, Colours flying, with as honourable composition as Nat. Fines did out of Bristol. In the next place I must needs unkennel a nest of Independent Cowards and Vermin. Sanders. And first I pluck out by the ears (that Diminiture of Alexander) Captain under Sir John Gell: The greatest act of Valour that he ever did, was to shoot a Gentleman through the Arm, and cut him after he was taken Prisoner and disarmed; when he was to go upon any Service, he had a trick to make his Soldier's Mutiny; which he did notoriously, when he should have gone with Colonel Gell to Naisby fight. His Officers are like him: One Hope who has forfeited his name by his ill behaviour. This fellow plundered most sacrilegiously a Communion Cup (as I hear) and was taken in the act, and pulled out of his Breeches, Barton. Another who is now Major Barton, a Quandam Minister, who seeing a great Party of the enemies lay down their Arms, yet dare not approach till he gave them so much time as to recover their Courage and their Arms together. Sir William Breerton that Tooth-Muster-monster (the greatest Cowards have longest Teeth, as cursed Cows have short horns) I say Major General Tooth being once in fight, together with Sir John Gell on Hopton Heath, wheeled about and left Sir John to hot service, which he performed with such valour as gained the day, (no thank to Sir William) there was slain the Earl of Northampton, and four or five hundred more: after which Sir William appears again, and makes a fresh onset upon the dead bodies, and plunders them of their , and Sir John of his honour; for the credit of the whole business was laid upon Sir William. I cannot omit a memorable passage about Cromwell, the Devil's Groom, that turns Churches into Stables; the first Church he so converted, in the entrance his horse risen with him, and ●…ckt his profane skull against the top of the door, that he fell down dead for the time, which was all the hurt he ever caught since these Wars, except a W●…d which a Soldier of his gave him as he was running away at the Battle of York. Cousin Oliver, the next time thou waterest thy Horse at the Font, I pray let him be Christened Bucephalus, in relation to Alexander his Master, and invite Martin and Allen to be Godfathers, and my Lady Say and Mistress Harrison to be Godmothers, that thy Palfrey, as well as thyself, may be in a capacity to be Sainted. I had almost forgot the Independent design, to split Essex in pieces in the Cornish business. First they endeavoured to set him and Sir William Waller at difference at Islip. Then upon the Generals march up higher after the taking of Taunton, Weymouth, and the relief of Barnstable, it was voted at a Council of War not to relieve Plymouth, but to prevent the conjunction of the King's Forces with Prince Maurices: upon which the Faction writ Letters to their friends at London, and possess them that the old Soldiers had a mind to lengthen out the War, and to return without the relief of Plymouth, or reducing the Cornish: upon which they made use of my Lord Roberts, (a man that will go on pilgrimage to the devil for money, for it comes by kind) I say, they urged him with their desires f●r Plymouth, and Cornwell, which he was easily persuaded to; and so another Council of War being called, it was carried by one vote to march that way, and so they were caught in a Purse net, and neither Manchester, who who was commanded, nor Major Krane suffered to come with any relief; so they were forced either to hazard all by an unequal match, or make such Composition as was much disadvantageous. The mean time the Coney-catchers had put a selfe-denying Ordinance in pickle, with such pretty evasions as might let out such as they intended to use, being their own Creatures, and Coop up the contrary Faction; Just such another thing have they made of the Covenant; Their own vermin can creep in and out of it like a Louse through an oylet-hole: but such poor Royalists as have either money or credit to lose, must either wiredraw their consciences through it, or be crushed to pieces by it. A very Mousetrap, a pitfall to catch whom they please in; Or else why must that Reverend Father, the Bishop of Armagh be sifted with it, and winnowed out of his place at Lineolnes-Inne? What Faction it was that moved it first I cannot tell certainly, but I hear that Haslerig first opened his mouth and spoke: That Parliament Tinder box, that spits nothing but fire and brimstone against every one that hath more wit or honesty than himself; And eminent Fuller is in the same condition of suspension, either swallow the toasted Cheese, or not Preach. I will assure you the Parliament is a good Logician to make such a dilemma as none can read whom they please to press it upon. In the mean time they can connive, nay, countenance any man that can devise any new thing to puzzle the people's heads, just like the design of the holy War by which the Pope got so much ground of his neighbours, and all out of a pretence of the Cause of Religion. Divide & impera: for if the people had been of one mind, they would never have suffered themselves to be hackneyed from one stage to another; First they fight only for Religion, than they must change saddles, and then it is for our Liberties, than they must stand to the Nationall Covenant, another time they must uphold the Army, the Parliaments Chopines: For now she goes just like a Venetian Courtesan, dressed with all the Artifice that policy can devise, and supported by a Musket on the one side, and a Pike on the other; like jugglers, they have fisgigges to amaze and dazzle the people with strange new lights; some of which are th●ir Emissaries, Dell, Cates, Nye, Randall, Erbury, Sympson, Best, that boastly Blasphemy, with such like Catamountains that go Catterwaling up and down the Kingdom, to teach people to scratch out one another's eyes. 'Twas a worthy act of Mr Mayor this Christmas to restrain honest men from Preaching, under that notion only, because Royalists: I do remember since it was an Independent principle, that Liberty of Conscience extended as fare as hell, did it not impeach the public Peace of the Commonwealth? I would feign know what Breach of Peace it could be to Preach an Orthodox Sermon on that day, although it only were to divert the people from worse actions; For I observe every one shut his shop doors, some out of fear, others out of respect. But to draw to an end, I shall make but one or two observations more; And I first begin with the business of Ireland, the delay of its relief is a great mystery, and no honest man can understand it. The whole pretence of the Army not long since was the relief of Ireland, and the taking away Taxes, and Excise, which gained much upon the City and Country, but now I know not what design being brought about, they do not only neglect, but obstruct both. Before they got the King into their possession, they gave it out that he was a weak man and unfit to rule, and their only aim was to take him away from the wicked, but now they have him in their possession, they cry he is so subtle they cannot trust him, and too wise to govern; so you may see, whether young or old, wise or simple, they are resolved to have no such thing as a King, except they have one revealed from above; Like the Dog in the manger, they will neither rule themselves well, nor let no body else. But in the next place, I observe they have made an Ordinance, to let us understand they do now give us free liberty to build an Hospital general, for all the Beggars they have made, and truly it was well thought upon in due season; But if a man would know of them how, and where to get money to raise this Model of Charity; Like Diego, in the play, they answer, e'en where you please: you are wise and understanding men; The City is wife, thus say these Cormorants, knaw off the flesh and throw us the bones to pick, much good may it do ye Gentlemen: For we are like to have no better cheer, Until there come a Parliament Leap-yeare. I hear also that they have in the heat of their zeal concluded upon an Ordinance to this effect: ORdered by the Lords and Commons Assembled in Parliament, That no Person or Persons, shall at any time or times from the date hereof, superstitiously observe the old Holidays of Christmas, and Easter, either by Sermons, Games, Idleness; shutting up of Shops, or the like; and on the other side, That none shall presume to profane the monthly Fast by working, riding abroad, hunting or hawking, or sitting in Committee. And it is further Ordered, that none profane the Sabbath by hunting of Taverns, or Alehouses, or at any time to drink to excess and misbehaviour, nor uncivillie to keep company with such women as prostrate themselves for filthy Lucre; and above all, the filthiness of the flesh to shun the sin of Sodomy. And further, That none in Authority be bribed to injustice, but to do right equally to poor and rich, and fatherless, and widows, that now detain any thing from the true owner, nor raise himself by the ruin of others, or by Sequestration, Plundring, Taxes, Excise, Freequarter, and the like; That every man pay his debts, and do as he would be done to. Provided always, that this Ordinance extend not to any Member of either House, or their assistants. Henry Blinkes Cler. Parl. Now for a pair of silver hinges and a haspe for my Case, and so I will conclude; I desire the Gentlemen of Goldsmith's Hall to bestow so much Silver upon me as my Case wants, and their Petitioner shall ever pray that they may restore to every man his own, or give a good account of their actions at Tyburn, where I leave them. Thus Gentlemen I pray in the next place, Be pleased to consider well my Case; 'Tis yours as well as mine, and if it been't Full big enough, I'm sure it was so meant; If 'tis too little, I'll order so the next, What now I writ in small, I'll write in Text. Postscript. IF any one desires to know who made this Case, let him inquire at his Lodging in Toleration street, right over against the Dun Cow, where he may hear further. FINIS.