THE FOOLS COMPLAINT TO GOTHAM COLLEGE, And Resolution taken up by free Subjects, in and about the City of London and Westminster, of that Society: in the behalf of themselves, and the privileges of their Hospital; with their requests, that  

Policy, may be Judges.  
Curiosity, may be Judges.  
Solicitude, may be Judges.  
Study, the chief Warden,  
Diligence, the Attorney General, and  
Fame, the Beadle of the Court.   
The Fool Rids me   woodcut, man riding an ass 
London, printed by Ridibundus, in this present year of wits and fancies, 1643.   

THE FOOLS COMPLAINT TO GOTHAM COLLEGE.  
WE reason, absolute Monarch, and sole Sovereign of the world, not acknowledging any Superior, in any sort, equal unto you; for the redressenesse, and reforming of men's manners, against the obstinate and perverse wilfulness of folly, and all other his wickedness, which hath taken such deep root, and multiplied itself in that abundance, to our notable hurt and detriment, the prejudice of our Royal Prerogative and t●e great damage of all mankind: for to avoid those great inconveniences, with the corruption of so dangerous and spreading a 〈◊〉 nay causes that it may not creep more and more upon your loving subjects (whose welfare and safety ought to be tendered as your own 〈◊〉 that it may not dilate itself any further to their utter undoing, 〈◊〉nall destruction) that you will please to command and ordain, 〈◊〉 to publish and proclaim laws to all those that are already 〈…〉 shall be borne hereafter in succeeding ages, by the power of 〈◊〉 rall consent of your Council of State, that they be taken and 〈…〉 such as shall be by you established and confirmed, and that they be 〈◊〉 very exactly, religiously observed, and fully complied withal, both in a● and every the point or parcel herein specified, or contained, as they will answer to it at their peril, and incur that grievous punishment to those that shall violate and infringe such laws, as in that case you shall provide.  
Moreover, because the first thing that you are in your Princely care to consider of, that all due fitting and convenient provision be made for the quick expedition and good execution of Justice, that you will be pleased to nominate and appoint certain Officers, both of good sufficiency and trust, such as shall be requisite and needful for this so important a business; and therefore to depute, nominate, and assign for Judges, good policy, curiosity, and solicitude, to the end that they, as if it were you yourself, and a representing you in your own proper person, may truly and uprightly administer Justice, giving them by virtue of your power full and plenall authority to apprehend, set at liberty, and punish any manner of person, or persons whatsoever, upon just cause, referring the said Judges to be ordered and directed by your laws and ordinances, and not to differ from the true intent and meaning of them, to the damnifying of the subject, and the dishonouring of yourselves. Furthermore, both for the present, and ever hereafter, to substitute as elder brothers of the fraternity, and chief wardens of your incorporation, all those that be jealous observers, every one according to his place and merit, and he that shall be most jealous may be most honoured, that your Attorney General may be diligent, and your Beadle that shall warn them to the Court famed.  
I.  
FIrst of all, therefore any person or persons that shall talk to themselves as they walk in the streets, or at any time when they are alone, or in a house private, may be censured for fools three months; within which term of time if they abstain therefrom, and reform this their foolery, their punishment then to be taken off; but in case that they shall not amend th●s fault, that some three terms of the said time, or thereabouts, may be peremptory set down to be inflicted upon them; within which limited time they shall bring a certificate of their reformation and amendment, upon pain of being held for approved attained and converted fools, and accordingly to command your aforesaid elder brothers and ancients of the Company to find them guilty, and to see them afterwards severely punished, as violaters and breakers of the laws.  
II.  
They who shall walk along the streets, casting their cloak under one arm, and stretching out their fingers, playing with the wall, and making indentures with their finger's ends, let them be admitted Scholars of your house and College: Provided always that they have six months of approbation granted unto them, in which you to command them to be reform: Otherwise in default thereof to ordain that the Warden, Sub-Warden, or Deane of the College, and in their absence the Signior Fellow, put his coat upon him (according to the custom of the house) his cap and his babble, and other ornaments belonging to his degree, and ever afterwards be held a professed fool.  
III.  
Whosoever walking through any place paved with brick, or stone, shall pitch their toes or heels, walking by a direct line, stride or corner of the said brick or pavement, may be condemned in the same punishment as aforesaid.  
iv  
That whosoever shall play at bowls, seeing the bowl run awry, shall wry their body with it, thinking to make the bowl run the more on that side, and govern itself as they direct it with these mimic jestures, if they should be seen to practise this their error, we must declare them for brothers already professed. And further, that the like be also understood of those who use the like Apish action, when they see something fall down from some high place to the ground, shrinking their shoulders, wiping their mouths, or turning up the whites of their eyes, that the like censure may pass.  
V  
Also concerning those who wearing Vizards, shall under them make strange faces, and gesticulations, either by frowning or smiling, or biting of the lip, as if in so doing it did really and truly seem unto them that these changes of their various countenances did outwardly appear.  
VI  
They who cutting out something with a bad pair of shears, or a dull edged knife, or any untuned instrument, shall draw their mouth on some side like a flounder, lil out their tongue like a calf, wrinkle up their cheeks, forehead, and eyes, like a scorched piece of parchment, and such Idiot-like postures, our will and pleasure is, that they in like manner shall take the degree of fools.  
VII.  
Whosoever expecting the return of their servant sent of some errand, shall stay waiting for him at the door or window of his house, where he may soon see him when he comes, thinking that by his staying there he will come the sooner, to condemn all such to detract and acknowledge their error, upon pain that in case they shall refuse so to do, they be severely proceeded against.  
VIII.  
They who draw their cards with a great deal of leisure, by a little, and a little, to discover at this or that other corner, first to view the colour, then after a little pausing, discourse upon it, arguing the case whether it be such or such a card, to condemn them to the same acknowledgements aforesaid, but with this condition, that as oft as he, or they offending in this manner, shall see an Ancient of the house, or pass by his chamber door, he shall make an acknowledgement of his error by putting off his hat.  
IX.  
Whosoever looking down from some window, or open gallery, shall from thence spit down, either thereby to take (as with a plumet) the evenness of the building, or to see if he can make his spit to light just upon such a stone, straw, or place, at which he shall aim, strictly to charge and command them that they retract this their folly, upon pain of being taken and voted for public professors of the same.  
X.  
Whosoever travelling, shall still inquire of those they meet, how far it is to such a place, thinking that by this their ask they will the sooner be there, to condemn them in the like penalty, enjoining them for penance the badness of the way, the Carrier jading of them, and the cousenning of their Hostess' reckoning, not inflicting any greater punishment upon them, upon hopes of their amendment.  
XI.  
Whosoever making water, shall go streaking the walls with their urine, as if they were busy about some curious delineations, or framing some antique figures, or shall piss in the dust, making I know not what, scattering angles and circles, or some chink in a wall, or little hole in the ground, to command that they do so no more, upon pain to be punished by the Judges, and delivered over to an elder brother, or one of the Ancients of the house.  
XII.  
That whosoever hears the clock strike, count not the hours, but ask others what's a clock, be strictly charged to have an especial care of their health, because it is an evident demonstration of a Choleric kind of humour; and if they be poor, and not able to be at the charge of physic; that then one of the Masters of the College cause a warrant to issue forth to bring them in, giving order that some preparatives be provided for them of wild Cherries, or sharp summer Oranges, lest otherwise they might run the danger of lofing their wits, and quickly turn either fools, of madmen.  
XIII.  
They who, sit at short commons will neglect their victuals to entertain the table with discourse may be s●nsured for prating fools, because they take more care to fill other men● ears then their own bellies: forasmuch as these are died in the wool and come ready dressed to hand, that you permit them to be registered among your incurable fools.  
XIV.  
That whosoever being at a feast hath a good stomach, and forbear to fill their bellies, because they would be reckoned for wonderful little eaters, and afterwards come home to make up their meal at their own bread and cheese; that you will cause an especial care to be taken for them, as of such who are in the seventh degree, and almost in their full height to be taken.  
XV.  
They who (not being necessitated to it) buy the worst sort of victuals in the market for saving of their purse, and spend the less in their houses, as if (a Physician, and Apothecary, or a Barber Chirurgeon who all the year visit them to cure those diseases which are but by such unwholesome meat) were not dearer by much than the best meat in the market, and therefore that you condemn them to a public disgrace to be professed fools, forbidding them from henceforth to do the like, upon pain of being committed over to the Curate or Sexton, or Gravemaker of his or their parish, or to be punished more or less according to the hurt that shall grow thereby.  
XVI.  
They who in summer nights sit in a truret to look about them till their breath ache, be pronounced to be brothers of your fraternity.  
XVII.  
Those who in winter evenings stand gazing on the skies till their feet ache, be declared to be brothers also.  
XVIII.  
That whosoever gaping upon the heavens do from the clouds of the air form to themselves figures of Serpents, and the shapes of Lions, etc. to declare and pronounce them to be right fools.  
XIX.  
That whosoever entertain themselves with the aforesaid baubles, that they may thereby give place in their own houses, (as some wittols use to do for their own interest and private gain) that they may see the sign of Taurus, Aries, or Capricorn, with us a most soul and dishonest case, condemn them (though accounted of the brotherhood) not to be capable of the privileges thereof, nor that they be admitted into the Senate house, nor have any wax lights allowed them on festival days.  
XX.  
They who having their shoes dusty, will make them clean with their cloaks, or handkerchief, to condemn them for neat fools.  
XXI.  
That in case any Gentle woman shall wipe off the dust of her velvet shoes, with her scarce, shall for her great honour be taken for a three-piled fool.  
XXII.  
They who say to a friend when they meet him by chance; are you alive Sir? is it possible that there should be any such man upon the face of the earth, when he sees him stand just before him; that you command that all such may have a sign or mark of admiration, set upon them, and that during your pleasure they never go without it.  
XXIII.  
Whosoever shall salute him whom he hath a mean esteem of saying sir I kiss your hand, and that you conjure this manner of speaking upon punishment to be forced to kiss the hands of some inferior person whose hands are full of scabs, and scurfes or leprosy, full of dirt, with their nails ready to drop off, looking just like Caviar, enough to turn one's stomach to look upon them, and condemned them for fools.  
XXIV.  
That when one enquiring for some body at his house, is answered that he is not within, shall reply and say is he then gone abroad, that such be condemned as rebels, and contumelious people.  
XXV.  
That they who having broken their shins, or stumbled at some block or stone, shall with a great deal of phlegm, and full of choler, kick, or strike the said stone or block, be condemned in the same penalty.  
XXVI.  
That they who have run their head against some post etc. in the da●ke return bacl again to look upon it at leisure, with a fixed eye, and a troubled mind; that you command them to cease oft going to look upon it, upon pain of further punishment.  
XXVII.  
Whosoever having blowed their nose, look into the snot to pry into it, or upon it, as if some pearls had dropped from them, to condemn them for brothers of our said foundation, and that so oft as they offend in this fault they give an Alms to the hospital of incurable fools.  
The reason of this mulct is grounded upon this, that others shall hereafter do as much for you, and them.  
FINIS.