A FULL ANSWER TO A SCANDALOUS PAMPHLET, Entitled, A Character of a LONDON DIURNAL.  
Published by Authority.  
LONDON, Printed by E. P. for Francis Coles and Laurence Blaikeloke, and are to be sold at their shops, in the Old-Bayly, and at Temple-bar. 1645.   

A full ANSWER to a Scandalous Pamphlet, entitled, A Character of a LONDON-DIURNALL.  
SUrely, when he drew this Character, he never thought of the Greek Alphabet, for the very remembrance of these two Characters, ד and ח might have then given him a sufficient admonition, to beware of such virulent extravagancy: But I wonder at his ambition, since having merited the Laurel in this famous University, he could not be content, but would still aspire to become a Graduate in the triple Academy, and to put on Doctor Stories Cap, with a Wreath of a more ignominious and fatal consequence, then that which he first aimed at: But since he hath pleased himself, and his Party, by acting the old Comedy è Plaustro, to the scandal of our Honourable Senate, it is requisite also, that by acting the old Tragedy in the Cart, be should satisfy justice. But though his tongue hath extremely transgressed the limits of Truth, Modesty, and Loyalty, yet I hope that the hearts of his Judges will demonstrate mercy.  
He labours about the pedigree of a Diurnal, as that Conventus Asinorum, or College of Heralds, were wont to sweat about derivation of the descent of some vainglorious Novice, from Godfrey of Bulleyn, or jeffrey of Anjou; but not improperly, though unwittingly, he calls it the Parliaments Book of Maccabees, for the Maccabees (we know) were the Heroic Vindicators of the jewish Laws and Liberties, from tyrannical violence and cruelty. I confess, I find in Diurnals no such politic maxims, as be in Tacitus his Annals, nor do I account them so authentic as Livies Decades; yet experience shows, that they usually render so much truth, as will make the most clamorous Malignant as silent as a Seriphian frog, and appear with a face as ill as his heart; yea, make him look like vanquished Marsyas, bring him into such an Epilepsy of melancholy, that none can help him but his white Witch Aulicus, who applying a fictitious charm, cures him as well as dancing doth those which are stung with a Tarantula. He tells us of the miracle of Zealand, but I wonder more at this of Cleveland; who hath here a more numerous birth of monstrous and desperate conceits in one sheet, than the Countess of Meurs had conceptions between two: but such prodigious births, may prove as fatal to the one as to the other.  
He saith, that the house of Commons sit as Judges of the twelve Tribes of Israel: but he is much mistaken in his account, for they judge only two Tribes, viz. Superstitious Levi, and the Malignant Tribe of Dan. These two Tribes were the principal sticklers in the erection and adoration of the Calf in Horeb: ought they not therefore to be judged? He calls the Parliament the Kingdom's Anatomy, in stead of the Kingdom's Epitome; and this is one of Will Toolyes mistakes.  
He brands our Assembly of Divines with the reproachful term of Empirics, and twits them for thumbing of diurnals: I should rather have thought they might have been taunted for thumping of Pulpits then thumbing of diurnals: But I dare assert, that for the mystical Urim and Thummim, wherewith every Minister ought to be qualified, these whom he terms Empirics, and spiritual Dragooneers, do as fare surpass their pontifical Cannoneers, and Cathedral Recluses, as Swans do Geese.  
He saith, that the State staleth blood; and here, he is in the right: for both Church and State have endured many terrible fits of the Stone, and Strangury, ever since their party obstructed those passages, by which the evacuation of excrementitious abuses should be made.  
He compares the Diurnallists, and Aulicus, to the Devil, and the Exorcist, or to a black and a white Witch; but more properly, they may be represented in Ocnus and his Ass: for the Diurnallists twists ropes of discourses, and that Oxford Ass devours them, and they proving very hard in concoction; he refunds them to his Malignants, which lick them up with as much greediness, as the smaller Poets do Homer's Vomit. But if he will needs make Aulicus a Witch, he shall be a Witch of Lapland, for he envelopes Malignant air in paper, as they do winds in clouts.  
This Natural would bind political affairs to a physical condition, and therefore out of the abundance of ignorance, and loyalty, he impleades the Parliament of bastardy; not considering that Regal power, in relation to the public good, is ever consistent with the authority of the Parliament, howsoever his Majesty be in person absent, or in will averse: therefore whatsoever ordinances, tending to the preservation or benefit of the Commonwealth, shallbe concluded on in his absence, they are to be accounted legitimate, according to that infallible rule, Salus populi suprema lex esto. Thus are our Ordinances no subventanious, or abortive births, but real, mature, and Herculean Infants, destined and brought forth, to strangle those Serpents, sent out by Malignant juno, to destroy our Religion, and Liberties.  
He compares our Militia to Mars, who was borne without a father: but their Oxford Militia may more aptly be compared to the pernicious Cockatrice, who is hatched without a mother: As for our Parliament Votes, they are the same in effect with the Romanae Senatus consultum, which had the validity of a law a long time, even under their most tyrannical Emperors. Nor can he really prove what he impudently would infer, by his trivial comparison of the Sexton and his Clock.  
How exactly this Pedantic Heteroclite hath learned the Popish trick of disavowing of those mischiefs, which are evidently and truly theirs, the births of their damnable Plots have justly merited such Midwives as were cruelly obtruded upon the Hebrew women: But since they have proved as ridiculous as the labours of the mountains, or the nativity of a cushion, we must therefore (next to God) thank our vigilant Patriots at Westminster, whom unworthily, and wickedly, he asperseth with the opprobious appellation of Players and scenical Actors: wherefore, I may justly here retort upon him the Psalmists reproof; Thy tongue imagineth wickedness, and with lies thou cuttest like a sharp razor: thou hast loved all words that may do hurt, oh thou false tongue, etc. This Sophister will acknowledge no Plots, because they were never fully effected: but had they succeeded according to their desires, than no doubt they should have been justified with as much audacity, as they are now disavowed with impudence. I skip his Skippers and his Tailors, and bid him look upon the Plot of drawing up the Northern Armies, and upon that which tended to the apprehension or assassinate of the six Members, on that of Waller, Tompkins, and Chaloner: these were no Chimaeras, no personated Devils. But I wonder not so much at the shameless confidence of many, since some, who were Actors, have appeared so wretchedly obdurate, that the Ladder or Scaffold could not put them in mind of a true remorse, or penitent confession.  
If all Array-men were with Canterbury, and the Lions, the Kingdom might be at quiet; the dormant Articles need no cramping: they will awake soon enough, to wait upon Justice, and (I fear) before Canterbury be ready for his Voyage.  
Names are but accidents; yet our Sword and Sceptre have been most frequently glorious, in the Name of Henry: but I am afraid, the wicked counsels of some will make the Name of Charles sadly ominous. His supposition of Isaac, and the Corn-cutter, is a ridiculous and profane excrescence of the Cornucopia of his wit, therefore this fellow seems rather to deserve a Crowne-cutter, than he to need a Corn-cutter; or he may better merit to be furnished with a Scale, though not according to his Votes, yet befitting his deserts.  
Don Quixote deserves the patronage of these errand Cavaliers, who though they have not Valour enough to fight with Wind-mills, yet they have wit enough to plunder them. This fellow ought to retract his incongruities, for our Senators are Men of the long Robe, and therefore uncapable of that appellation which belonged to that fantastic son of Mars. As for Foxes, it is most certain, that there be none more noxious to our State then Spanish Foxes, and a Brace of these we have run to ground at Oxford, where we hope (ere long) they shall be unkennelled by our Terriers.  
He thus having sufficiently played upon our conscript Patriots, proceeds in a second part, to the same Tune, (through the invincible boldness of his obstreperous Goose-quill) to calumniate our Military Officers; and he gins with the Earl of Stamford, saying, that the people took him for one that danced a Morris, etc. but he was mistaken in the people's opinions, for they were more sadly sensible of another, who more properly may be said to have danced the Morris in the West, though he danced Lachrymae before Lyme.  
The propriety of Banks his Horse seems to be in their great Attorney, and the Caparison of a Sergeant's Gown suits the condition of that ingenious Jade better than a great Saddle. The loyalty of their Cornish Cavaliers merits Monuments of Gingerbread, and the virtue of their Welsh Worthies Statues of toasted Cheese. Our masculine devoires admit no female Committees; though their Affairs depend too much upon the capacity of that Sex. He contemptuously measures his Lordship by Saint Paul's stature, and imagines that Valour dwells only in Carack of Flesh. He saith, that this Lord (by the help of a Diurnal) routed his enemies, at fifty mile's distance: I know not what Panic fear those Western Choughes might apprehend from his Lordship's Name; for this hath heretofore been very formidable to the Adversaries of our State, therefore I suspend my unbelief. But I have heard, that Prince Rupert (by the help of Aulieus) routed our Northern Army, for which Victory they made Bonfires at Oxford; and yet I am certain, that this story was more remote from truth, than his Lordship was from Hopton, when he was routed: but these are only the slips of Fame, and not to be insisted on by the superlative wit of an University. His Lordship's prowess needs no Paracelsian Sword, neither is the Valour of his Adversaries only to be abated by a Magical Antidote; but the Weapon-Salve would have been a precious commodity among them after Modbury field, where we made much work for their Chirurgeons; and there Sir Ralph Hopton was taught to relinquish the virtue of his hands, and to be beholding to the activity of his heels for his preservation.  
But (saith he) the Squib is run to the end of the rope: this is a miscellaneous sentence, for though the Squib be ridiculous, yet the end of the rope is as fatal as the scissours of his Lady Atropos. He enveighes against Sir William Waller, and his companion in Arms, and by a scurrilous comparison seeks to embase their approved worth, but his slanderous language is a most forcible argument of their Valour and fidelity. The Mountebank and Zany, are a pair of couples fit for his Court Spaniels, and nothing pertinent to heroic fraternities.  
Nor can the Translators of the Psalms escape his extravagant madness, but they must have a lash for their pious endeavours.  
He would make Sir Ralph Hopton (in this respect) comparable to some of their Clergy; these have Pluralities of Live, & he must have a Plurality of Lives: Indeed, when it was reported he was beaten, the world (who till then had such a strong opinion of his Valour) presently gave him for dead, for few could be persuaded that this flower of Chivalry would ever have condescended to make his Spurs of honour accessory to an ignominious flight; yet since that, he hath more than once given them occasions to alter their opinions, But though the natural life can be lost but once, yet there is a moral life which consists in honour & reputation, & this merits more esteem than that which is annexed to flesh and blood; but the same may be lost more than once: and in this regard, their Champion of the West was slain both by the Earl of Stamford and Sir William Waller:  
This Fellows terms are such, that he seems rather to have been brought up among the scum of rascality, then in a Nursery of manners and Arts, but a time may come when he may be called to answer for all his barbarous incivilities, and that rude paronomasy, and other abuses most intemperately vomited against the name and person of his Excellency.  
He mentions Round-way-downe, where the Valour of Sir William Waller was more conspicuous, than his disaster notorious; for after he had given Hopton several encounters & defeats, and forced him to take Sanctuary in the Devizes, after he had slain Greenvile their Cornish Achilles, with many of his Myrmidons: I say, after he had reduced Hopton to such a desperate condition, that he must have been surprised within the space of 24 hours, he was unexpectedly charged by a fresh Brigade, and so was constrained to leave his prey, retreating without any singular loss.  
This Fellow's malice hath transported him into such an ecstasy, that he not only labours to scandalise good men and their laudable actions, but to abuse holy Scripture, yea even the most sacred part of the Scripture, the Gospel itself: and therein that mystic word of gratulation which was applied to our most glorious Saviour in his triumphant Entrata into Jerusalem, this holy benediction he distorteth to his ludibrious purpose in a blasphemous manner. Names are but circumstantial adjuncts, and nothing pertaining to the essence of sanctity; yet certainly, a Christian may more decently bear a name borrowed from the Hebrews, than the heathen, and our most frequent names come from them, as john, Thomas, etc. yea Dionysius of Alexandria, an ancient Father of the Primitive Church, saith plainly; That as we ought to strive to imitate the actions of the Apostles, so we ought to give their names unto our infants, that the same may put them in mind to follow the examples of those pious men whom they so nearly resemble in their names: but how absurdly this pedantic Drole would infer, that his Majesty may lawfully make use of the Irish Rebels, because the List of General Cromwell's Regiment consists of Hebrew names, for he vainly pretends, that the imposion of an exotic name may translate a person to the condition of an Alien. I am not acquainted with General Cromwell's person, therefore I could never observe the posture of his neck: but this I know, that the most noble and glorious Commander which the world ever had carried his neck awry. It is true that, or his complexion, or his Valour, so dazzled their young Eagle, that he durst not look him in the face at Long-Marston, but it was his bloody Sword, not his bloody Beak, which made them run almost toward every point of the Compass.  
Images in Churches are obnoxious to Superstitious abuses, and therefore may be justly taken away or demolished; but from violation of Monuments, or disturbance of the repose of the dead, I confidently believe, his hands are as clear as his accuser's tongue is guilty of a slanderous aspersion; but were he faulty of what is laid to his charge, yet I doubt not, but he might procure a Certificate under Prince rupert's hand, that he dares fight against creatures of a more lively constitution, than Images or Statues. He speaks of a running banquet, and surely he means that which General Cromwell invited his Highness and the marquis of Newcastle to, at Long-Marston, when Generals and Lieutenant Generals ran like Lance-spessado's, or Irish Footmen; some fled Westward, as if they meant to take Sanctuary in the Devils— of peake; and some Eastward, never turning head till they had measured the breadth of the German Ocean. As for his whistling to the Cambridge Committee, I believe it is an expression of more sense and honesty, than the tongue of this backbiter can deliver, or his heart imagine, and he that reads him backward or forward, shall find him valiant and faithful, if he construes him rightly. Rifling of Colleges, and demolishing of Churches, are false imputations of that blear-eyed malice which cannot distinguish abuses from things: Sacrilege is not entailed upon him, but Religion, Virtue, and the Spirit of Reformation runs in his blood: For as his noble Ancestor overthrew those Houses of Superstition, Sloth, and Sensuality, so he labours to purge Cathedrals of those abuses which threaten ruin to true Religion: But this Fellow, out of his iniquity, or weakness of judgement, takes Reformation for Robbery, and it may concern him in time to crave the benefit of the Clergy, which will hardly be granted, because he hath made such bad use of his learning; but there can be no greater benefit, both to the Clergy and Laity, than a true Reformation.  
His personal Reproaches speak him rather to be one of the Assembly at Billingsgate, than a member of our University. Whether it were the Holiness of Manchester, or the Vigilancy of Cromwell, that defeated their unsanctified Crew so often, we need not examine, since we know they have been almost as fatal to those Punic Cavaliers, as those two Roman Thunderbolts of War were to the Adversaries of their Commonwealth; and it hath appeared, that Michael and the Lord of Hosts have been their Assistants. The Earl of Manchesters' Victories amply prove the unanimity of his Soldiers, and their Divisions are but the Devices of this fellows malignant condition: it makes much for the credit of his party, to call those who have so frequently beaten them, a company of winking Cowards. He rails against the breakers of Monuments, yet spits Venom on the ashes of the dead: He argues, as if Virtues and Vices were hereditary things, and like an absolute Pelagian, he goes about to derive Religious Sanctity from a natural cause, so corrupt is his Divinity. Neither his Lordship nor the Scottish Mists are so noxious to the eyes of this Kingdom, as their French and Spanish Mists, for these have almost put out the eyes of both King and Kingdom. As for the knowing loyalty he speaks of, it is but a mere pedantic Heresy in policy, cried up by their Pontifical Rabbis, against Conscience, because it is a support of their Lordly Dignities; and most of the lightheaded Levites follow the example of their Reverend Bel-weathers. His Lordship hath no way appeared an enemy to Learning, but to Ignorance and Superstition, personated with Religion and Learning, and his Treasons are nothing else but the fictitious Idaea's of this fellows malignant imagination, who in this slanderous aspersion hath approved himself to be an arch-traitor to Truth.  
The Account of his Lordship's Victories is written in the blood of his Adversaries, and this Balaam hath not prophesied in vain; so often hath our Christian Knight defeated those swearing Nimrods', and Pagan Cavaliers. As for Losses (thanks be to God) they outvie us ten for one; but the innocent blood spilt by their Irish Auxiliaries still cries for Vengeance, and shall doubtless be heard: Those savage Villains, that merit interdiction of fire and water, are reputed good Catholic subjects, while others, of singular integrity and loyalty toward God, their King and Country, are called barbarous Rebels: Videat Deus, & judicet.  
In his wont scurrility, he taxeth Sir William Brereton and Sir john Gell, Gentlemen of approved worth and valour, whose fortunate and Heroic actions justly give the Lie to his opprobrious appellation. The first of these, hath been a terrible slaughterman to their Irish Cannibals, and shown himself a tall trencherman at divers bloody breakfasts which he gave to those uncivil guests. As for his resemblance of the Beast, it is only a fallacy of this detractors vitiated fancy.  
He is so seasoned with malignancy, that goodness in others, to him seems miraculous: it is an Aenigma to his dunghill spirit, that noble Fairfax should stand up in Vindication of Religion, from Atheism and Superstition, and the Commonwealth from a Tyrannical and arbitrary Power. He might have spared his distinction of a personal and a political capacity, for his Lordship is no creature of a double shape, no Centaur, but the very Hercules, or Theseus, that combats those Cloud-bred Monsters. He somewhat strangely compares his Lordship to an Egyptian Chicken; but we must add too, that he is of a generous kind, for their fiercest Lions tremble at his voice.  
Me thinks he should forbear to call General Browne Woodmonger, because this very term might make them call to mind, how often he hath cudgeled their Militia, even from the Generalissimo to the Corporal.  
All good men can attest, that there was need of a Reformation both in Church and State, which before this time might have been happily perfected by the Parliament, if they had not been maliciously interrupted by those Babylonian Sanballats.  
The name of Tinker may be most properly applied to their Cornish Mettall-men, those subterraneous spirits of darkness, whom they have raised from the Western Stannaries; or to those Irish Rogues, whom those Oxford Foxes, Cottington and Digby, have sent for over to hammer in pieces both Church and State, so they may accomplish their wicked ends and purposes.  
He hath very charitably translated the name of Rebels, from his Consorts the bloody Irish, to his innocent Protestant Brethren: but the justness of our Cause is warrantable both by the Fundamental Laws of our Kingdom and Divine Ordinances; therefore we confidently retort upon him and his Faction the name of Rebels with more bitter reproach; then he can or ever could fix the same upon us, that endeavour to be found really loyal to God, our King, and Kingdom. Our Victories have not been Magical, but truly Martial: At Edge-Hill it was evident, that the epithet of Invincible was as vainly applied to their formidable Cavaliers, as to the Spanish Armado in 88 At Newbury we did cut out our passage by dint of Sword, and march over their bellies. near York we totally routed their numerous miscellany, and laid thousands upon the ground: Therefore I know not what his Triumvirate of Bladders can more genuinely imply, than those three Puffs of Nobility which were pricked at Newbury.  
As for our Fancies, they are firm and sound; but He, and his party, are impostumated Members of this Commonwealth, and incurable (I fear) without incision, or abscission.  
FINIS.