A FUNERAL SERMON Thundered forth by JOHN FEAK In his Private Congregation, FOR The Loss of their Dear beloved CHAMPION, Maj. Gen. Harison  
LONDON: Printed for I.P. in the year 1660.   
The Honourable History of the Seven Champions of Christendom, CHAP. 15. VER. 20. Thou speakest in vain, replied St. George, not all the Treasures hidden in the deepest Seas, nor all the golden Mines of rich America, shall redeem thy life. 
'TIs very true, my Beloved; for when a man must die, who the devil can help it. Almidor King of Morocco being to die, would have given St. George more than our deceased Champion was worth to have saved his life, yet, quoth he, thou speakest in vain. Then answered the Morocco Emperor, Why do I speak in vain? spare but my life and I will give thee yearly ten runs of tried gold. B●t St. George replied, Thou speakest in vain. Nay further, quoth the Emperor, I will give thee five hundred Webs of woven Silk, a hundred Ships of Spices and refined Sugar, and a hundred wagons laden with Pearls and Jasper-stones. Sabra, who was a woman that loved new Gowns, Caudles, and Jewels, hearing that, fell at her husband's feet, and fain she would have begged his life but neither her entreaty, nor the tears of the poor Emperor could prevail, Thou speakest in vain, quoth St. George, not all the Treasures hidden in the deepest Seas, nor all the golden Mines of America, shall redeem thy life. Beloved, I think this Text is as pat to our purpose as a Cow's thumb; if you done't like it, you may go seek a better where you can find it. For first, it is a dogged surly Text: and secondly, it is a vainglorious, proud, imperious. Text; and therefore be not angry that I am so testy, for we are now to preach surlily and doggedly, according to the nature of the person whom we are to speak of. Nor shall we call ye Brethren any more, as in preachments of a milder nature, but pitiful fellows, such as he would have made ye, had he had but life and power together. And if ye done't like the term, ye may get you out of the Church. First than ye pitiful Rascals, let us consider the words. But stay: was he ever wont to consider when he lived? No: Then why should we consider the words? I won't consider the words. Why ye pitiful Rascals, will you make me?— ye shall be hanged first— I come here to make a Funeral Sermon.— I come not here to consider the words. 
Here one interrupts him in the Pulpit. — Then pray good friend let ye the words alone.— Sirrah, now I will consider the words.— Yes that I will in spite of your teeth.— Let me see, what's the first word? Thou. I marry sir, there's a bold word indeed. He does not come sneaking, and cry You, or Your Worship, or Your Lordship, or Your Highness, or Your Majesty, but downright Thou, to show him he was none of his fellows that he spoke to. He was not afraid to thou him to his face; I like a fellow that speaks with metal. For aught I know it was too good for him: nay now I think on't, it was too good for him.— How do I know?— Why I do know, and I will know, and I wonder who should know but I? Why, who did St. George speak to? Why, he spoke to a King, what if he did? Our deceased Champion has spoke to a King before now. Speak to the King! why he thought himself as good a man as the King could do for his ears. He— he carded no more for the King, than I care for a straw: He was one of his Judges must, one of those that condemned him; then give me leave to tell ye: give me leave do I say? nay I'll take leave to tell ye, that a Judge is a better man than a prisoner at any time.  
Thou speakest: This is not a word to my mind; 'tis too meek, 'tis not sturdy enough, ye rogues you, it should be thou pratest, and I'll lay my l●fe now 'tis so in the Original; Pox take him for a Puppy, why could not he translate it as it should be? Rogue— an I had him here, I'd make him translate it as I would have it— Why, 'tis as it should be— Ye lie, 
Another interruption  'tis not as it should be— What do I do? Pervert the Text do you say? What's that to you; Sirrah? I'll pervert it, and pervert it, and pervert it again; yes and I'll pervert a hundred Texts more if I have a mind to it. Ye Rogue you, I'd have to know that I am not afraid to pervert a Text. Am I bound to follow the Text? No; let the text follow me and 'twill. Well then, let it be thou pratest— let it be!— I say it shall be so— The fellow— You'll say he was an Emperor,— shit o the Emperor— The fellow I say, was saucy— What's the matter?— Why, he would have begged his life of one that would not give it him, and therefore he was answered in his own coin. Why if a Cavalier should come to beg his life of me, are you such Fools and Puppies to think I'd give it him? No I warrant ye— Yet I would not say to him as if I were afraid of him. Thou speakest in vain— but Sirrah, thou pratest in vain: and so drive on to the next. Thou pratest in vain. That is, thou talkest like a Fool, an Ass, and a Coxcomb, of whose words there is no more notice to be taken, then of the barking of a Beggar's Cur Here now must I wedge in a little speech concerning Forgiveness. 
He spies some body sleeping  Ye Rogues you, I command ye to give attention— You friend, d'ye hear there! what cant you hold open your eyes? I had thought I had bawld loud enough to keep ye waking, good folks— but some will give the devil opportunities in spite of a man's heart— take heed, take heed— when your soul is gone a wool gathering, the devil he comes and takes possession— But as concerning forgiveness; I'll tell ye, 'tis the basest quality in the world— 'tis a sign of Good nature, and what's Good-nature, but folly, and simplicity? Look ye now, I have given you a reason for what I say, 'tis more than I need to do, I tell ye, I do use to give reasons for every thing I say: Then I tell ye again that Forgiveness is an ill quality, a base quality, a vile quality, never use it, never practise it, ye are damned if ye do, the devil, the devil will certainly have ye if ye let it enter into your breasts— Now ye Rogues, you'd have a reason for this, would ye?— Yes when ye are hanged, ye shall have new doublets— Reason quether! what would you do with reason? Stop Clyster-pipes? What quirks the devil puts into folk's heads? Does the devil give ye any reason, I wonder? And yet you can believe the devil, and wont believe me. But I care not for that, I say forgiveness is a base quality, and I'll justified, and I believe if the the truth were known the devil is of my mind too, if he be not, he is a Ninnihammer, and a Woodcock— But we must forgive our brother seven times— I confess a brother is a near relation, but I am so far from forgiving any body, that rather than I would forgive my brother seven times, I'd go seven mile to see him hanged. Thus much by the by. Thou speakest in vain, replied St. George.  
I make no question but you have all a very great desire to know who St. George is: But suppose I han't a mind to tell ye If I thought you did not take it for a Courtesy, I'd not tell ye, though it were to save your Souls. However, if I do, 'tis more my goodness then your deserts. Why this St. George was the likest man to our deceased Champion that ever was in the world. He was the son of a woman, and so was our Champion: but he was not the daughter of a woman, no more was our Champion. He had a left arm and a right arm, and so had our Champion: He killed a Dragon, and so did not our Champion; S. George he was for England, and our Champion he was for the Fifth Monarchy. St. George was mighty furious, and so was our Champion. St. George went from Coventry to Dunsmore, and our Champion went from London to Warrington-Bridge; That journey broke St. George's heart; and this journey broke our Champion's heart: Judge you now how like they are. I hope ye are satisfied, if ye are not I can't help it; I am not to stay here all day to give you satisfaction. But why Saint George, and not Sir George? as if Saint were a better Title than Sir. But I say, No: for every man may be a Saint that will, but every man cannot be a Sir, unless it be conferred upon him for some noble act. Is a Knight then a better man than the King? Yes marry is he— How do I prove that?— Thus: if the Knight try the King, than the Knight is a better man than the King; but the Knight did try the King, Therefore— but that was against Law, you'll say— You Rogues I know the time when ye durst as well have been Hanged as have said so— But what if it were against Law. What then? All men know, the Law's abolished.— But 'tis against the Gospel then— 'tis not,— but suppose it were so: What's the Gospel to us? I have preached against it a hundred times. The Gospel! why if a man be resolved, it signifies no more than the Story of Tom Thumb. Does it not, you'd say? No ye Rogues, that it don't.— How dare you contradict me? Was I ever in Orders? Did ye ever see me preach with a Gown on? Did I ever keep close to my Text? Then I say again, How dare you gainsay me? Don't let me thunder among ye, doubt let me throw fire and brimstone among ye; for if ye do, I'll make you smoke i'faith: Nay I'll begin even now while I think on't.  
For the fifth Vial is poured out, and a tempest, a furious tempest, and a tempest of fury issues from the East, with a great smoke, and a Thunderclap of wrath and indignation upon all Nations, and the terrible things that are to come shall make the Children quake, the Nurses tremble, Big-bellyed women shall groan at their Delivery; for the Sun shall shine by day, and the Moon shall shine by night, the Earth shall stand still, and the Waves of the Sea shall roar, than the wicked shall fall into the pit, but cursed is he that goeth with a Pitch-fork in one hand, and a pair of Bellows in the other, thinking to pick up the glean of Ephraim where they are not to be found.— Bounce,— bounce,— bounce,— there are three Amalekites slain.— Bounce,— bounce,— bounce,— there are six Amalekites slain.— So shall all the Amalekites be slain. Cucumbers shall not grow in Egypt, nor Musk-melons in the Valley of Jehosaphat: then all things shall be as it was in the beginning. There you Rogues you, there is an Excursion for you. Now let us see what's next.  
Not all the Treasures hidden in the deepest Seas, nor all the golden Mines of rich America, shall redeem thy life. I, did St. George say so? 'twas resolutely spoken upon my soul: but it was spoke more like a Soldier than a Politician; and that was our deceased Champions fault: the devil take him for me, he has soldiered himself out of this world by his foppery. For my part, if the fellow would have given me half so much, I would have saved his life. But Almidor was a dull, thick-pated fellow, and understood not how St. George misunderstood his promise: for mark how the words run, Not all the treasures hidden in the sea. What a devil should a man do with all the treasures hidden in the sea? but if Almidor would have taken 'em out of the sea, and given 'em to St. George, and St. George had then refused to save his life, he had been the greatest fool in the world. But perhaps the times were not so hard as now.— I doubt know that, nor I doubt much mind it. Let the times be hard or soft, he ought not to refuse such a proffer as that was, especially being a Saint; I am sure it has not been the practice of the Saints in my time. And for my part, I believe we have as good Saints now, as any they had then: And so Exposition farewel and be hanged, that's twice good-bye.  
Being thus quit of our Exposition, let us uncase our Doctrine, which I perceive by the story will be a very long one, even as long as the Maggot that was in our Champion's head.  
That if a man have an enemy, and that enemy lie at his mercy, than it is the duty of that man to kill that enemy, though he would give never so much to save his life.  
This Doctrine, ye Rogues, is very true, I'll swear it to be a truth. Old Fiery face that died with a horspocks was of this opinion, and left it behind him as his Basilicon Doron to his son, but the Puppy had not the wit to practise it. Why if the King could, and would have given that old Hypocrite a Mansion in heaven, it would not have saved his life; and I have have heard our deceased Champion say, That before his Son should have dominion over him, he would roll to his grave in blood. Hector of Troy in his life of Judith and Holophernes, says, That a man ought to seek all opportunities to murder his enemies; For, saith he, when thou hast done a man a mischief, be sure thou never let it be in his power to do thee another. Attila King of the Vandals, swears a great Oath in his Comment upon Bell and the Dragon, that he took as much delight in killing and slaying his enemies, as Richard Cromwell took in hawking and hunting Tamerlane in his Treatise of Repentance, saith, That he never repent of any thing, but that he did not kill Bajazett presently after he had taken him; For, saith he, suppose the Forces of Bajazett had beaten me, and he had got lose, then might he have carried me in a Cage, as I have carried him in a Cage. Orlando Furioso in his book called The Vanity of Forgiveness, says absolutely there is no such thing, and for my part I believe it, and if you wont, ye are not of my mind, and who is not of my mind, is damned: if you want believe that neither, kiss my backside.  
Hold! What have I forgot? Now I think on't I have a Letter from our deceased Champion which was given me by his wife, to read to ye for your satisfaction; But as for your satisfaction I value not that of a straw, I only read it for my own minds sake, and because 'tis a novelty, and therefore ye varlets you give attention.  
My most affectionate, and dearly beloved consort,  
Wishing thee health and happiness and the enjoyment of all worldly comforts, for I find those which we have in this place are no way like unto them, know that I have wrote these lines unto thee, to certify to thee the truth of a thing, which among all these spiritual experiences which I bragged to have while I was accustomed to thy sheets, was never revealed unto me till now. Thou knowest that when we last took our leaves upon earth, I swore unto thee by the last holy parting-kiss that I gave thee, that I would not so forsake thee but would be with thee again before three days should be at an end, after the hand of the wretched Executioner had destroyed my carnal body. But so it is, that upon better knowledge I now find an eternal stop put unto my journey, so that 'tis impossible for me to be as good as my word, as indeed every honest man ought to be: now because I cannot come I have sent, knowing that to be a point of breeding which excuses breach of promise, yea even among the most exact. Therefore I desire thee not to stay for me to supper, and unless it be for the comfortable solace of thy own appetite, I entreat thee not to lay down the fat Capons, nor to perpare Oysters for sauce: 'Tis true we had many Chimeras in our heads, and talked of sitting upon thrones, but I was so much deceived that when I came hither, I could hardly find so much as a cricket to rest myself upon, though much tired with the length of my journey.  
Thou wilt say that Spirits may walk, and why may not I walk as well as any other spirits. Alas my dear wife the case is not the same. For the bodies of those that walk are laid whole in their graves, so that the Devil has nothing to do but to open the Coffin and let him out, but my body is so slashed and so mangled, that the devil will never take the pains to put them together again, for you must not think my dear wife that it is a small trouble to go from gate to gate, and there to clamber up and fetch down the quarters, and then to clamber up and put 'em again in their places, besides the continual charges, as pensions for Bone-setters, Smiths to make screws for my joints, and Loath-bury Clock-makers, to make my eyes roll in my head. Alas what good can I do the if I should come; for I know thou will expect that I should do as I did formerly, but cursed be the Hangman and the Hangman's man who cut off these members the first thing they did, and burned them to ashes: Therefore oh Daughter of woman better is it that I should stay from thee, then come to cause in thee a longing desire after that comfort which I am not able to afford thee. Therefore make use of some body else who is among the living, for there are among the brethren many that have as good instruments as I ever had, and will be willing to do thee a courtesy for my sake. By this time I believe, thou mayest be almost blind with weeping, therefore I shall say no more but this, prithee commend me to all the brethren of our profession, and tell them that if they will come where I am, they must keep on in their old course, which I the rather advise them to do, because I would have others damned as well as myself.  
A Barathro infernali, Octob. 16. 1660.  
Look ye, ye Rogues you, did you ever hear such a Letter as this? Ye may thank me for't, a Letter from hell ye Rogues you: There's news for ye— Now you that are so much for heaven, what think ye of Hell now?— You had thought there had been no honest men there, I warrant,— but ye see there are— Well then— and why goodman Coxcombs will not you go to Hell then— a Rope take ye all, 'tis too good for ye, unless ye were better. Do but mark here the honesty of this man, he had promised his wife to come to her in three days, good woman she could say no otherwise then she was told, and she tells you, that he said so. Well then! what of all this? As if a man might not promise sometimes a thing which he knows he cannot perform, and sometimes a thing which he never intends. But this man doubtless did intent to come though when he saw he could not, he sent word by the first return of the post. But you'll say is not his wife very sorry? Why goodman Puppies, what have you to do whether she be or no— good now meddle with your own business— What need you be ask so many questions to trouble your brains? If I don't tell you as much and more than you are able to carry away, without your help, let me suffer for it.  
For when I came in, his wife was a saying, Lord I wonder my husband does stay so long, and knows that the meat will be spoilt. I wonder too, said I, truly I don't think he will come to night. Yes, yes, I am certain on't, quoth she. Would he would come away then, thought I, for I was very hungry, and was very melancholy to see such good meat like to be over Roasted: Well— While I was in these meditations, my guts chiding my stomach, and my stomach making defences and excuses to my guts, in comes this Letter, I read it over, and when I saw he would not come, I cen bid the maid set the meat upon the Table, for we teachers ye know, are always very familiar where we come. She wept, I swallowed my victuals; Come Sister quoth I, the more you weep, the less you'll Piss and so I comforted her as well as I could, but she would not be comforted but wept exceedingly. From hence I gather that necessity has no law: for I find by the story that our brother would have been glad with all his heart to have come again, but it seems he cannot. And for my part I don't care whether he ever do or no, only I had a mind to read the Letter, because she desired me, it may be she may do me as good a turn. But that's nothing to you, and so let's jog on to the Uses.  
Is it so then that a man ought not to save the life of his foe, though he would give him never so much.  
Then let this serve for a use of admonition, to admonish us to make ourselves great in this world, that we may be able to destroy all our enemies. Namely Emperors, Kings, Dukes, Marquesses, Earls, Lords, Viscounts, Knights and Gentlemen. For these, mark what I say ye Varlets, are the posts, by which Satan upholds his weak Government upon the Earth: Ay but ye Rogues you, I can tell you one thing, they are but ●otten posts; stay but a little while and they shall be all pulled down, for our King shall come among them with a fiery indignation, who is King of the world, though he is not in the world yet, but he shall come, and shall bring along with him ten thousand Angels with blue Wings, and Turkish Semitars by their sides, and shall destroy all and wom●n, that are not of our profession, then shall we swim at the top of the waters like Cork, but the wicked shall sink down to the bottom, and shall be covered with the waters of destruction. Then shall Satan roar like all the Bulls of Bashan, the Rulers of the Earth shall sit bare-breeched upon Hawthorn-Bushes, with Knitting-needles in their hands, But Ravili●ck shall sit in glory for killing the King, for we that are the Saints shall rule the Earth: but how came we to be saints you I say? Why you Rogues you who made you examiners? is it not enough that I tell you so? Therefore when you get your foes into your Cluttches use them like dogs, cut 'em, slice 'em, boil 'em, roast 'em, bake 'em, stew 'em, hang 'em, hue 'em, torture 'em; and why? Because they are the accursed generation, or the generation of the accursed. For Antichrist and the Pope are all one. Ah Pope, have I caught thee, I'll have a fling at thy breech i'faith, Oh thou accursed whore, thou monstrous devil, thou confounded punk, how often have I railed against thee both in private and public, but thou art still the same, shame on thee and all thy warbling notes, and thy Queristers and thy bagpipes, and this lawn sleeves, for you have Gold and Silver in abundance, and we can get nothing but a little butter-mony from the silly women which they glean from their husbands by over rating the price of provisions. But the time shall come when ye shall all be sent out of the world will a horsepox. And then hay for the men that hate Cuffs, and tie the latchets of their shoes with blue Tape; for they are the blades that shall sack Rome. Then shall Scarlet be at three half pence an Ell, and men shall pave the Hearths of their Chimneys with Diamonds. But hold! I must not let you surfeit with too much joy at one time, and therefore I'll keep the rest till I see you again, and so farewell.  
FINIS.