The first part of the last WILL & TESTAMENT OF PHILIP Earl of Pembroke and Montgomery, Lord of Saint Quintin, etc.  
NOW KNIGHT of BERK-SHIRE, Dictated by his own mouth, and took by Mr. Michael Oldsworth sometime his Lds Secretary, and faithfully engrossed; together with all his Lds.. penitent considerations, (delivered in most pathetical expressions) upon every particular of his Goods, Catttels, Chattels, movable and inmoveable, that are defigned in Legacy to sundry particular persons of most eminent and remarkable quality.  
The second part to the same tune, will speedily be exhibited to public view, as soon as it can be possibly Transcribed; By his Lds most Devoted Honour.  
Mercurius Elencticus.  
Printed in the Year, 1649.   

To the Reader.  
Reader,  
MY Lord desiring to discover his Charitable and zealous intentions to the world, (more for precedent then ostentation) and at his last gasp resolving to breath forth some pithy sentences, (fit to be committed to posterity instead of proverbs) that might speak him to eternity, as full of wisdom as worthiness and honour, I here tender thee (by his Lordship's appointment) the First part of his last Will and Testament; pray make much of this, till the rest is delivered to thee, under his own Hand and Seal.  

In the mean time, weigh but each word with heed,  
You'll think his Lordship means to die indeed;  
For by these gifts, I find he trusts to merit  
All th' heaven that e'er's capacity'le inherit;  
Nay in pure love, he is resolved to show  
The Parliament the way they all must go:  
If he live longer, 'twill but vex the Devil  
That such a fool should outwork him in evil.  
Nay if he lives but to review this Will,  
The kindness on't his very heart will kill:  
I hope his Elegy and Epitaph  
After the second part on's Will, shall make you laugh.  
And when we know his qualities, and riches,  
I'll gauge my brainpan you'll bepiss your Breeches.    

The first part of the last WILL & TESTAMENT OF PHILIP Earl of Pembroke & Montgomery, etc.  
I Philip Herbert of the Tilte-yard, in the Country of Saint James' Park, lying very sick and weak. Here Mr. Oldsworth stopped him, My Lord quoth he, you should have begun in the Name of God. Damn me you Rogue, why do you Interupt me? is't not too late to begin with him now? I han't spoke with him ne'er since I used to sing Psalms in the King's Chapel, some eight years ago, and dost think he has not other things to think on besides my business, I ne'er meddled with his Will, and why should he have any hand in mine; Mr. Speaker knows, I have more mind to make him my Executor (or the Devil take me else) I promised him so when he got me into the House of Commons; and besides, Mr. Speaker has reason to love me better than he, because he knows me better; the Parliament would count me a Coxcomb to forsake them at last cast, and give my Means to one that I shall never see for aught I know: Mihill I thought th' hadst had more wit then to persuade me to any thing but what I am bound to by Act of Parliament, and I am sure there's ne'er a such a word in any of them by my consent, or ever shall be; therefore pray hold your tongue and let me speak my own purpose, and do you write it down, right or wrong; when you lie a dying (as I do) if you'll teach me to Write, I'll do your will to your mind.  
But yet in perfect health and memory do make and (pox confound these hard words) prostitute this my last Will and Testament, and hereby do invoke and make void all other Gifts, (the Devil a one I remember) Grants, Conveyances (and mine were never cleanly ones, for when I juggled myself out of one House into th' t'other, all the Town took notice of my shuffling under board) Wills and Testaments whatsoever.  Oldsw. 
Former, my Lord, you must say, Former Wills.  Pemb. 
Why did I ever lie a dying afore you fool you? won't one Will serve turn; you wooed have me hanged for making a new Litany of repealed wills and Testaments; wooed ye?  
Imprimis, I give and bequeath my best pack of dogs—  Oldsw. 
My Lord, do you remember what to do with your soul and body first?  Pemb. 
Vengeance damn ye for a confounded Cur, I could find in my heart to dash a pisspot in your ugly face; so yeed serve me an I were at prayers, but I'll see ye hanged before I'll try ye: Can I tell who shall have my body or soul either? Have I been Master of myself e'er since I was born? Did not I pawn my soul and salvation too, long since to the King (though I ne'er hoped to redeem it) when I was made his turn-key? And did not the Parliament get it out on's clutches into their paws,  they would make me their Porter to carry Packets of Propositions to, and again? They may do what they will with't; for my part, I ne'er made much use on't, because I ne'er knew well what it was: For my body, I mean to keep it myself as long as I can, I'll give every thing else away to the Devil himself, rather than part with my Carcase; I'm sure my Confectionarie's Bill t'other day came to 100l. and I'd fain fatten my kidneys with those sweet meats before I die, for fear they grow mouldy: I have no mind to feed upon gravel yet; an my conscience the pigmies do, and that makes them such dwarves: I'd rather go to hell, or purgatory, where there's room enough for a coach and six horses to turn, then be mewed up under ground, where a man cannot swing and Cat; but prithee hold thy tongue, and let's mind our business, for I shan't die in quiet, till I see my dogs provided for.  
My best pack of dogs to Oliver Cromwell, for he keeps bloodhounds so well fleshed and fierce, they're able to tear out the Devil's throat: I wonder what he feeds with them, now ox livers are so dear.  
Item, I bequeath two couple of my best spaniels to my Lord of Denbigh, for he'll stand gazing like a moped Buzzard, and gape wide enough for a Hawk to shit in's mouth, whilst a Partridge is upon replinie: stoo bird, stoo bird, O 'tis gallant game; I wonder whether there be any Haws in Hell; an I thought there were not, I'd send half a score thither a mewing by Tom my Falconer against I come, I shall ne'er endure to be idle there.  Oldsw. 
You left at There, my Lord.  
There rogue, what shall I do without thee there? Thou must needs make me a speech to carry I' my pocket, I'll coned by the way; they say the Devil's a good Scholar, he hope Harry Martin to answer the Scots papers, and make the Declaration of Non-Addresses to His Majesty: They say his Secretary penned that pithy Oration that Bradshaw made before the sentence: Hang't, I shall ne'er come off, without thou promptst me, he'll dash me out a countenance, because he speaks Latin; just as he does the poor rogues that cannot read their neck-verse before my Lord Judge:— Confound me, if he anger's me too much, I'll swear his house about's ears, if I can but get my Lord Generals pass to run back again; if he denies that, I'd best take a file of musketeers we ' me, and bring him before the Council of War, to answer the contempt: But come, dispatch Mihil, prithee writ on, thou art so tedious, I doubt I shall not get this Will engrossed time enough to take a Copy out we ' me; for I mean to sue my Executers there for non performance, if I can entertain Mr Chute, or Mr Whitlock, for my Council, and Sergeant Wild shall have the hearing of the cause; he'll be sure to hang 'em o' my conscience, ' un he take 'em ta dy there, because 'tis a bigger Court of Justice than ours in Westminster Hall.  
Item, I give Badger, my best stone horse (plague take him, for he threw me two damnable ●quei●hes one Saint George's day, I ne'er daw'd it since) to Colonel Henry Martin; he has horsed me above a 100 coach mares in's time; he has some pith in's back still, you may see by his frothing and blundring, when sees a handsome Beast; he leaps nimbly still, but he comes off basely, because of an old wrinch he got with straining too hard in jumping upon a great Flanders jade, too full buttocked for him, and upon a bankside too.  
Item, I give and bequeath my Tenor, my Base, and my Treble, and all my Horns, to my well beloved Son and Heir, Philip Lord Herbert; his Wife can teach him to wind them, or the pox take her, for the French man has been her Tutor long enough; I loved the music well, but I could never endure to were 'em, they made me look so like a sow-gelder.  
Item, I give and bequeath my best lacing boots to Mr Speaker (rot on 'em, I never wore 'em, but men thought I had got the gout for the spavin; they'll ne'er suspect him, because he limps o'th' toe side like a Craw-fish.  
Item, I give and bequeath my rich Sedan— wons, I'd fain be rid on't, because they carried the King to trial in't; I ne'er sat in't since, but I was ready to beshit myself for fear; an I could but think of any body the Devil owes a spite to, to betray him for a Traitor, he should have't; it may be my Lord Say will thank me for't: Set him down in't, for he loves to takes case well.  
Item, I give and bequeath my new truss of points— hart, the rogues took me for a morris-dancer in a morning before I was trussed, when they came to cross capers, and dance attendance before my honourable Worship: I'd best give them to Mr Selden to keep's codpiece close; he'll wear 'em for antic fashion sake; he shall have Tib, my grey mare too; the Countess of Kent knows he'll stride an old galled jade so gently, that she'll ne'er wince at it; I could find I my heart to give him her crupper too, for she casts forward damnably: Set him down for a mounter.  
Item, I give and bequeath my great gaudy Coach (wooded had been burned for me, when I set foot in't; I'll take my death on't, I thought the Devil had been in't, and his dam too, when I and my Lady Crompton rid in't last, it rumbled our rotten bones together like dice in a juggling box; dam 'om 'twas as bad as are of these confounded Strappadoes; pox on't, an I had ne'er hunted bawdy houses, I might have rid honestly up Holborn hill without any danger, but it made me tremble like a rogue as I was, to think on't, how the Traitors that ride that way are mangled, when they came at Tyburn; and I was never so afraid but my quarters wooed have been shaken off before I came to Hid Park corner; I'd best give't) to my Lord Grey of Groby, for he's fain to make use of a Hackney still to save charges, when's ●udy rides a ranting, let him take't with a pox to him, for I have enough on't, more than e'er I shall well claw of.  
Item, I give and bequeath my great gilt Bible; Fool-scratch 'em, the puppies took me for a Puritan; and— judge me, may I ne'er stir if I had not rather hear Bulstrode Whitlocks Declarations read 100 times, than one of Paul Kneels Sermon of execration against Rebels, because I fumbled over the leaves, as if I meant to find the Text, though I ne'er knew a figure from a frying pan; I could stare Caryl i'th' face upon a Fast day (like an Owl as I was) till the Gander was ready to be cackle himself for fear I should put him out on's parrating: 'tis a terrible villain sometimes, for he'll make a Church roar of damnation as bad as a Pope's Bull, he'll so be labour a poor innocent cushion, as if he meant to beat the brains out about's ears, as he rears up against the pillar— yet sometime he'll give's a great deal of comfort, when he was terrified us a matter of two hours together with a thundering story of Cromwel's plaguy deliverances, and murdered our memories with his morter-peece of destruction to Monarchy; then he gins to bleat peaceably towards dinner time; O 'tis a cunning colt, he knows how to kick us out of good manners, and makes whihy again to hear him claw into conceit with our own mischiefs; I had best give him this Bible, he'll preach nothing but Acts of Parliament, and Judge Advocate Orders out on't, to strengthen the hearts of the courageous Council of War, that they may confidently condemn the rogues without the least scruple of scurvy conscience: Set him down for a Book banger.  
Item, I give and bequeath my best Cloak and George; vengeance of all ill luck: an I wear't any longer, the blood thirsty will go nigh to take me for a Tyrant (as fierce a one as ere stood in Smithfield pens) and fix me for a blazing star in the forehead of the Firmament for the world to wonder at, how the Devil I came there against my will; for they knew I ne'er loved climbing (a rope fetch me if ere I did, so I did not) if I had, I had ne'er been chosen Knight of Bark shire by some twenty of my vainglorious Tenants and Servants, that thirsted to do their Lord an honour; on my conscience 'tis dangerous to be Knighted too by these slashing blades, for fear a man's head should fall into's codpiece; I could ne'er endure to see a sword drawn, since I was beaten with my own hilts by a Butcher's boy crossing the kennel, because I, like a great Calf, must needs call him tallowbeard, though his face was as bald as my own pate: and though they would not hang thee in it for a counterfeit, thou shouldst have my Ribbon and George, 'twas my Porter's arms, or I had ne'er been known to sit at the receipt of custom in the Parliament House, and carry tickets to and fro between party and party; a louse in the pot, Mihil, is better than no flesh; a Porter's place in the Custom House will be good preferment for an old Parliament man, in the reign of a new Representative: I always liked the conceit o'th' Emblem, more than th'honour of't (for that never fitted my humour) it looks fiercely, but when ye come to touch it, 'tis as tame as a dotterill: And besides ye know, when I am on horseback, I oose as little motion as may be; on my conscience they'll go nigh to take't for my Lord General's picture, if thou layest it on a bow knot in thy bosom; for he's a man of a meek temper, or else he would never let Cromwell rule the roast, while he turns the spit, and you know your Cooks are fiery fellows. I'll give my Cloak to Sir Henry Vane, for 'twill cover more knavery than foolery; and in this time of turning things arse upwards, the badges of honour may well become distinguishing Characters of infamy, the star will illustrate all his contrivances; we had best leave off for this bout, for too much of one thing is good for nothing; I'm out of breath now, but I'll fall too't again too morrow, and give 'em all enough afore I have done with them, that they may pray for me, while I swear 'em all out of hell.  
FINIS.