THE GHOST OR The Woman wears the Breeches.  
A COMEDY Written in the Year MDCXL.  
LONDON, Printed by William Bentley for Thomas Heath dwelling in Russel street in Covent-garden near the Piazza. 1653.   

Dramata Personarum.  

Friar.  
Gentlemen of France. 

Rogat  
Senio    
Sons to Rogat. 

Octavian  
Dauphine    
Babilas Son to Senio.  
Philarchus a rich Citizen and Usurer.  
Gentlemen of France, Suitors to Aurelia. 

Pinnario  
Procus  
Valerio    
Aurelia Daughter to Senio.  
Erotia a Bawd.  
Cunicula her Engineer.  
Engine Servant to Aurelia.  
Boy and Servant.   
The Scene PARISH.   

PROLOGUE.  

ALl Legions broke from Hell, all Fiends to day  
Tasked for to work on earth, and to obey  
Goetian spells, what stars foretell the event  
Of hidden things, and future detriment,  
Earthquakes that shake us to believe and fear,  
Or more portentous spectacles i'th' Air,  
All Circles drawn, Charms writ in Virgin-parchment  
Are here all turned to comfits and sweet Marchpent.   

You are welcoome Gallants to a merry Ghost,  
You know a playing one, his sign's on the post,  
Raised by a waggish Scholar in the Town,  
Only to affright a Citizen's Breeches down:  
And give you all a caution on your lives,  
To get strong Points, but weak and gentle Wives.   

But if I linger, I shall be accessary  
To a murder here; and yet in faith I'm sorry;  
For 'bout those Breeches I have much to say;  
Sat still, and merrily feed on the Play;  
'Tis City-chear, and stead of Wine pray laugh,  
And with your money we your healths will quaff.    

The Ghost.  

Actus primus. Scaena prima.  Enter Octavian and Babilas, they fight. Octavian falls, than exit Babilas. Enter Friar. 

THe early star hath cheered the chanting Cock  
And taught his wings to be the Country Clock,  
The chirping Birds salute him with their notes,  
Tuning his welcome in their warbling throats,  
The gloing Marigold with other flowers  
Prepare their scents to dress the sun-fresh Bowers:  
The winds soft whistlings bluster 'gainst the Trees,  
Saluting Titan with the humming Bees;  
All these adore thy beauty, I alone  
Admire thee but for meditation.  Spies Octavian's body. 
Ha! has the Moon to night wept bloody tears?  
A wounded man! Saints shield me from all fears.  
Who is't? Disguised too? I know the cause  
For dread of the Edict and our strict Laws  
'Gainst Duels now proclaimed. My charity  
Shall give his body burial by me.  
Rash men when on false honour wings they fly  Exit with Octavian's body. 
Out-glide their path, and thus to ruin high.   Enter Pinnario and Procus. Pin. 
Procus well met thou art going to the Wedding:  
Give me thy hand, thou art bobbed as well as I.  Pro. 
Yes faith, thank Cupid and my own neglect.  
Since I have left Coaches, and powdering of my hair,  
And took delight to trace the populous streets  
In my huge Boots, red Cloak, and my long Sword:  
She never looked on me, Pox on all  
Base affectation and practising big looks,  
'Thas quite undone me, and thrust my Mistress' eyes out  Enter Valerio. 
Here's t'other Fisher that has missed the Eel too.  
Good day Valerio.  Val. 
Like to the transformed Procus.  Pin. 
That's no where but in's looks, now trust me Sir.  Pro. 
Well, this Octavian has cozened all o'us:  
Prithee let's study something for revenge.  Pin. 
But not i'th' military way.  Pro. 
O fie, hang it.  Val. 
A bawdy song, and Procus shall bear the burden.  Pin. 
Faith, now you talk of a bawdy song, my Rivals,  
What think you of a Rendezvous to night  
At fat Erotia's the Courtesans.  Pro. 
How soon my thoughts are back on by the Devil.  
Why I was musing what to do to cool me,  
For my conceit of happiness in Aurelia—  
Well, thank my temper, and the Edict come forth  
'Gainst Duels, blithe Pinnerio, thou hadst else;  
For being Rival to my lust and Mistress,  
Been earth by this. But to the Whore again.  Pin. 
I thought thy anger would end in such a trifle.  Val. 
But is she cheap and tractable my Lads.  Pro. 
Troth that's a question too. Who has any money?  
Pox on laced handkerchiefs, and amorous Rings,  
They have beggared me.  Pin. 
And broke thy very Purse-strings,  
With hiring paltry Poets to make their Poses.  Pro. 
Still Fiend dost vex me?  Pin. 
O the Wench, the Wench.  Pro. 
I prithee pardon me, I had forgot the Doxy.  Pin. 
Faith, then I'll tell you, for money, gentlemans,  
I'll give my word and promise for your credits.  Pro. 
O my dear Idol.  Val. 
Nay pox hinder him.  Pin. 
Then my Blades— but you shall keep it secret.  Pro. 
May we turn Eunuches if we do not, and never  
Piss when people look on us for modesty.  Pin. 
Why then a Maid, a Virgin, a fresh Rose,  
A sticking Paracelsa.  Pro. 
Who who, nay who?  Pin. 
Quish like a Coddling Procus in thy arms.  Pro. 
Nay, nay, dear Idol, prithee who is it?  Val. 
Pish, thou art so tyrannical, Pinnario.  Pin. 
Marry, a Fox-glove Lads of my presenting:  
A handsome Lass that wanted means and money;  
Whom I commiserating did prefer  
To Erotias handling, and I know by this  
Is taught to tumble with dexterity,  Enter Philarchus and his Servant. 
Look, look, our other Rival, old Philarchus.  Phi. 
Stint, stint your pace, you Rascal, you Plodd on  
As if I went to my Aurelia's bed.  Pro. 
Vengeance o'th' stone, and weather-beating Colic,  
Before she cheated the old Sponge, he'd wriggle,  
And throw his Gout-bound Legs a mile before us;  
Nay, kiss his rough Lips smooth upon her hands  
Ere we could overtake him. 'Slight can't you see?  Justles him. Phi. 
Catarrhs consume thee, justle an old man.  Val. 
An old man, and going to be married?  Pin. 
Aged, and get a Maidenhead to night?  Phi. 
I must give way, there is no striving here.  Enter Friar. Pin. 
The Friar! what makes he here?  Fr. 
To all good morrow.  Pro. 
Dye hear my Ghostly Father, may I dispense,  Aside to the Friar. 
And for all my yesternights' Confession  
Stew out that heat Aurelia's love hath kindled.  Fr. 
What means my Son?  Pro. 
A wench, a wench, my Father.  Fr. 
Away.  Pro. 
Why good Father?  Fr. 
O poor Octavian!  Pro. 
Why, what of him? he is not married yet!  
We that were his Rivals mean to present him  
With a Song.  Fr. 
Alas, alas, he's slain.  Om. 
Who, who?  Pro. 
Mum, mum, good Friar, mum, say nothing.  
Pox of all whores and meetings. Sweet Aurelia.  Exit. Phi. 
Father, you sigh, who is't I pray is slain?  Fr. 
The Bridegroom Sir, and by Aurelia's brother.  Val. 
My dear friend Babilas, who told you this.  Ser. 
I Sir, who saw young Babilas this morning  
With frowning looks come to my Master's Chamber,  
And call him forth, since when I never saw him.  Val. 
Where found the Friar Octovian?  Fr. 
Walking abroad  
To taste the sweetness of the morning's air,  
Hard by my Cell I found his breathless body.  
I took him up, and from him now am come  
To acquaint his father with the heavy news.  Benedicite. Exit Friar. Pin. 
Nay then Aurelia, have at thee once again.  Exit. Val. 
Valerio thou art unhappy to thy friend,  
Babilas coveting his sister for me  
Thought to make way by young Octavians death,  
Which he has now performed. What shall I do?  
Aurelia for her brother's sake will hate me,  
She knows he loved me dearly. Well, I'll in too,  
And win Aurelia, or find out Babilas.  Exit. Phi. 
Hold, hold my sides, O I shall burst, hold, hold.  
O constant thrift, that never leaves that man  
Who honours thee. Aurelia's father's mine,  
He always wished his daughter to my bed;  
And though her amorous tears prevailed with him  
For young Octavian, yet when he hears he's dead,  
He will replant me in Aurelia's heart.  
Yes, jeer and flout me my young Rivals, do,  
You'll find at last, th' old Fox has cozened you.  Exit. Enter Senio, Procus, Pinnario, Valerio. Omnes. 
Nay Senio, noble Senio, let me find favour.  Senio. 
This rudeness Gentlemen becomes you not,  
Pray give me leave that my Indulgency.  
May choose one for my Daughter, not your claimours.  Pro. 
If I am not the handsomest I'll be hang '  
And lik'st Octavian Pox o' my oregrown Boots.  Pin. 
Nay, she is mine that's certain, I heard her swear once.  
Next to Octavian she admired me.  Enter Philarchus. Phi. 
Many fair years crown the most honoured Senio.  Sen. 
Most Grave Philarchus. I, here's a man indeed!  
Who wears sobriety upon his looks.  
Whom thrift has wormed so well, that he will last  
When all these Grasshoppers are shrunk to nothing,  
I wish Aurelia his, and none but his.  Phi. 
I am sorry for your sadness.  Sen. 
I Philarchus.  
This 'tis to love for handsomeness and honour:  
Had she chose you, she might have smiled, not wept.  Phi. 
That yet may be performed if you consent.  Sen: 
She is to full of grief and will not hear.  Phi. 
she'll not deny her Father for duty sake.  
Besides, behold how many gaping Wolves  
Grin with false hopes of her retired favour,  
Whom if she has, she's beggared and undone,  
I am sure, and can in the rough Winter's want,  
Pave all my path with Gold. Your Wedding dinner  
Is now prepared, and a full Table met.  
Cousin, not all our expectations:  Sen. 
Enough, I am resolved. My noble friends,  
I do perceive you all do emulate  
Each others fortune. Speak, are you content  
To let me choose a Bridegroom for my Daughter.  Omnes. 
And hear it with delight and willingness.  Sen. 
Then before all these, as witness of my gift,  
I here consent and freely do give up  
My Daughter to the thrifty Grave Philarchus.  Val. 
Philarchus.  Pin. 
That humming Drone.  Pro. 
That rotten Medler.  Sen. 
Nay Gallants, repine not, 'twas your consent,  
Nor shall yea yet discourteously return  
Without some recompense; we therefore both  
Entreat your company would honour as  
At the Wedding dinner, which I intent this day.  Phi. 
Shall we expect you  Om. 
Yes with all our hearts.  Pro. 
These damned Boots, Aurelia had been mine else.  Exeunt. Enter Friar, Rogat, Senio, Aurelia, Engin. Fr. 
What comfort Daughter, come, you must forget  
Old grief, and dress your Maiden smiles again  
In Amorous blushes, to embrace Philarchus  Aur. 
Is he the man then?  Fr. 
Such is your Father's pleasure.  Aur. 
You Friar contracted me and my Octavian.  Fr. 
Yes, that all these can witness, I did contract ye.  Sen. 
But now sweet Girl, my only joy and comfort  
(Since Babilas is gone) thou art alone  
My staff to lean on in my drooping age,  
Oh do not slide away and make me fall  
In grief as well as years, but give consent.—  Aur. 
To marry old Philarchus, I consent  
And would 'twere done to night, within this hour.  Rog. 
Can you so soon forget my lost Octavian,  
And bury all your love in's grave with him?  Sen. 
Sir, you must pardon me, you are too busy!  
Your Son is dead, and your interest lost there:  
She's still my Daughter, and shall prosecute  
What I command, or else disclaim her Father.  Rog. 
Forgive me Sir, my grief alas did move me,  
My grief for two lost Sons.  Pro. 
Two Sons! why my friend, and the mad Rogue Dauphine,  
Your young heir now, is not departed too?  Rog. 
He is indeed departed, for when he heard  
Of my Octavians death, and by whose hand,  
This day he left my house, and vows to search  
The flying Babilas throughout the world,  
In the revenge of his unhappy brother.  Pin. 
Good fortune after him, 'tis a valiant witty Rogue:  Sen. 
Ha, whos's that stalks and figures on the ground  
As if he conjured and invoked the spirits?  Aur. 
Pray be not angry on my wedding day Sir,  
It is my servant, preferred by a noble friend,  
And with such commendations and applause,  
That I must beg you'd please to entertain him.  Sen. 
Well I consent, come hither. What's thy name?  En. 
Engine, Sir,  Sen. 
For water or for fire?  En. 
When you command for both.  Sen. 
Discreetly answered.  
A new device comes in my head. Hark Engin.  
Some few hours hence meet me i'th' Gallery,  
I have some Items to acquaint thee with.  En. 
With duty and observance I'll attend you.  Sen. 
Has a good thriving promising face believe me:  
You'll not be wanting.  Rog. 
You must excuse me Sir,  
My dead Sons body is to morrow interred,  
I must contrive a little Ceremony.  Sen. 
We may remember you in a Bowl of Wine.  Rog. 
With my true thanks.  Sen. 
And our Confessor.—  
Come my Aurelia. Honourable Rogat.  Exeunt. Friar. 
Thus the world goes hurrying on  
Till wonders come ne'er thought upon.  
He who sleeps to night, ere day  
Death inrobes with weeds of clay,  
'Tis a steady tottering state  
Propped with Love and shook with hate.  
Like that I now am musing on to be  
Relator of a joyful Tragedy.  Exit.  

Actus secundus, Scaena prima.  Enter Senio, Philarchus, Engin. Sen. 
For look thee Engine, should her coy denial  
Be once resisted by thy diligence,  
And old Philarchus aided by thy power.  Phi. 
She fears if she consent not willingly,  
we'll force her to my bed.  Sen. 
You hit me right,  
But I will not drown your sweet ensuing pleasures  
With more supposed fears. Engine the light  
A long night and a happy to my Son.  Exit. Phi. 
Can I but blow away these humble Bees,  
Time should defer my wished delights no longer.  
Oh, these court Blazers buzz about my ears  
And kill my heart, with poisoned jealousy.  
Nay by this light we'll wait you to your Chamber.  Within. Phi. 
Hoida, a morris dance, and she the jester.  Enter Pinnario, Procus, Valerio, Aurelia. Pin. 
Thank you for that, not see you in your Chamber:  
Yes, and there leave you with a kiss sweet Bride.  
Dost here if thou lov'st me, kick him out o'th' bed  
And wriggle into his breeches.  Aur. 
You are merry Sir.  Pro. 
Then Venus may'st thou rule thy crooked Vulcan,  
And let a Child of Mars rewhet this sword,  
Upon thy smooth and Alabaster breast.  Phi. 
My good gay friends, is it not sleeping times.  Pin. 
Not yet with you these two hours' Sir, I take it.  Pro. 
Two hours, has this dry weatherbeaten Kix  
Substance and strength to suck this Sugar Cane  
Two hours, two minutes, and those coughing one's.  Phi. 
And yet these wrinkles put down your smooth faces.  Pin. 
Thank the dim eyes that made the election.  En. 
Gentlemen, pray remember where you are,  
And who you speak to: 'tis Auralia's husband:  
A Grave experience, thrifty Citizen;  
And one that (by your favours) she is pleased  
Without compulsion to smile upon.  
Since you are cast off, 'tis indiscreetly done  
(In my opinion) to laugh at your own shame.  Pro. 
What swordman have we here?  Pin. 
His Poet man,  
That made his Verses when he was a Suitor.  En. 
So, jeer on.  Pin. 
And to night is hired,  
To read the History of Palmerin,  
Valiant Parismus and his loved Laurana,  
To stir up mettle in this crumbling flesh.  
What price my Geegaw, my Lutestring base and triple.  En. 
Yes, my good Beagles, I have a Base hangs here  draws. 
Shall sing a deep note in your wanton bloods.  Au. 
Let 'em abuse thy Master! to 'em Engin.  Val. 
She against us too?  Pro. 
That Devil then be with her.  Exeunt Pin. Pro. Val. Phi. 
What recompense shall I reward thee with,  
My best best Engine, saviour of my life,  
Inestimable Jewel, bright Aurelia.  En. 
Let me undress you Sir, the night grows late.  Phi. 
That's my good Engine, untruss me, prithee untruss me.  Au. 
And truss again, and make a Capon of him.  Phi. 
How's that Aurelia? Be near me, prithee Engin.  Au. 
What, is't the fashion with you Citizens  
To have your man to help the Bride to bed,  
I must have Maids, and will have, ere I stir  
Or move a finger to undress myself.  Phi. 
Have patience but to night, thou shalt hereafter.  Au. 
Poison to night had fit been applied:  
Come hither and kiss me. His breath not perfumed neither.  kisses him. En. 
You should have remembered kissing Comfits, Sir;  
An old man's breath to a Virgin is unsavoury.  Au. 
Some Perfumes there, I shall be stifled else.  
Engine, what seest thou in his mouth? Look Engin.  En. 
I, Madam, what should I see? I see nothing.  Au. 
He has borrowed sure a Cheek-pouch of some Monkey,  
And stuffed it full with Bonds and interest money;  
Look how he chews the cud upon 'em now;  
A pair of Horns would fit the Monster well.  Phi. 
Nay, prithee Sweet, forbear these idle words,  
And be more serious with him who loves thee.  Au. 
More sottish and lie weltering with a Booby:  
What dry skinned monster would the Bore beget?  En. 
Let your wife get the supremacy at first,  
Do, and be ever after in obedience  
Tide at her Girdle with a silken string.  
'Slight, to her Sir, and since she'll not to bed,  
Let her know that you can do it up as well.  
To her lustily, embrace her, down with her.  Phi. 
Help me then Engin.  En. 
How, two against one woman,  
Dare you assume the name of Husband, Sir,  
And not compel her to obedience?  
Come, you are a man Sir, show her that you are so.  Au. 
Show him a Basin to receive his Rheum,  
And not my Lips; Are they Receptacles  
To dry rank spittle, or drive away hoarse coughs,  
To dissolve Burrs, or whiten yellow teeth,  
To exhaust phlegm, or consume Catarrhs,  
Expel the stone, or remedy the scurvy.  Phi. 
Engine, where art thou, wilt not help me Engine?  Au. 
Remove the Palsy, or settle shaking Agues,  
Unbend crooked bones, suck moisture from sore eyes.  Phi. 
Why Rascal Engine, wilt not help me Engine?  En. 
Troth Sir, she speaks but reason now me thinks,  
And shows you a clear mirror to behold  
Your own deformities, and her abuses.  Phi. 
Why she has converted him too. O my Temples.  En. 
Soft Sir, you are not touched yet to the quick,  
Untruss him Mistress, that we may see the wound.  Phi. 
O Villain, Miscreant, wilt thou betray me?  En. 
'Las, I but honour her for your sake Master,  
You shall find me able and active in your service,  
And without grunting get you lusty boys.  Phi. 
I am betrayed.  Au. 
O beast, bewrayed, let's search him.  
Sirrah help me, or I vow ne'er to kiss thee more.  They pull off Philarchus his breeches En. 
I must obey your wife for your credit Sir.  Au. 
Upon my wedding-day, I'll teach you manners.  En. 
These breeches would fit you Mistress passing well.  Au. 
Nay I will wear 'em, and he shall consent to it,  
I'll stifle him with 'em else, Sirrah dee yield?  Phi. 
To what, to what, most dreadful wife, pray name it?  En. 
To let Aurelia be your sole Commandress,  
Have the pre-eminence in all affairs,  
To smile on all, kiss some, and dote on many,  
To love, or lie with any, and not to grumble,  Phi. 
I do, I do.  Au. 
Swear, swear, thou breechless Booby.  Phi. 
By my lost hopes.  Fn. 
Out with your Paper Mistress,  
And write this down, you remember what he has said.  Au. 
Yes, and shall call him to a strict account  She writes & sits astride over Philarchus 
To see't performed on Engin.  En. 
To give her licence  
On all occasions lawful or unlawful,  
To ransack all your Coffers, and possess  
Your Treasure for her use and maintenance.  Phi. 
Release me and to all I do consent.  En. 
The man does melt, forgive him Amazon.  Au. 
His hand and he is free. You'll not renounce this?  He sets to his hand. Phi. 
My Religion sooner.  Au. 
Kiss then and be observant:  
Reply no word of thanks, I hate thy voice  
Worse than the howling of a hungry Wolf.  En. 
Where will it please you he shall lie to night?  Au. 
Here take my shield and then I'll tell thee.  She gives Engine the breeches and he puts them on a Pole, and carries them before her. Phi. 
O Engine, Engine, wilt thou serve me so?  En. 
Where she is pleased to place me I must raise  
The house, nay you out of your bed to night  
If she commands me.  Au. 
Why, the withdrawing Room.  En. 
'Tis too far from your call and from your eye:  
Say you should want the Chamber-pot i'th' night,  
he'd not be ready to do his duty to you:  
I think your Closet fit, Amazon.  Au. 
There shield-bearer I have him under lock.  Phi. 
Amazon and shield-bearer, this is fine.  Au. 
Dye grumble Tetworm?  Phi. 
Not I Amazon.  En. 
Spend not your breath on such a water-bubble, Come Sir into the Closet, you'll along Sir.  Phi. 
Was ever man so cozened by an Engin.  Exeunt. Enter Valerio reading a Letter. reads 
In my absence (dear Valerio) be present with my sister, woe her, she's thine by conquest, and Octavian's blood by my hand let out, hath to thee resigned her. If thou possessest what I hope thou dost, send me word to Orleans, where in a disguise I live undiscovered.  
Thine BABILAS.  Val. 
If obscured there, then why not here as well?  
The strictness of the Edict hath power with them  
As well as us, I want thee Babylas,  
And I will have thee, or refuse thy friendship.  Enter Pinnario and Procus. Pin. 
Pish, what a studying now Valerio?  
Prithee put up and go along with us.  Val. 
Whether, to th' Tavern?  Pro. 
To th' Tavern, pensive Rascal,  
No, to the Down-a-down, the plump wench,  
The quick eyed Lass Pinnario told us of.  Val. 
What in thy red Mantle and those cloak-bag Boots?  Pro. 
Pinnario if thou lov'st me talk not on her  
Till I have mangled this Whoresons tongue.  Pin. 
What, thou wilt not fight?  Pro. 
Yes, by this light will I.  
I have commended my attire, praised my trappings,  
Yet never had good luck in 'em since I wore 'em,  
Sure they'll do something when I have fought for 'em;  
Come Sir, you that ride in Coaches, and contemn  
Your foot-companions, I'll open your bosom for you.  Val. 
The Boot thou meanest, why what an ass art thou  
To quarrel thus with thy friend, thy wenching friend?  Pro. 
Why, there's the vice weakens virtue in the stomach,  
With what a whimsy that wench comes round my head,  
And stupefies and dulls my active spirits;  
Give me thy hand; thou'lt to her with us then.  Val. 
And from her too, so you'll put off your Boots first.  Pro. 
Again that word, Pinnario let me go.  draws. Val. 
I'll give thee another pair.  Pro. 
Gifts may mollify.  Enter Servant. Val. 
Within there. Sirrah, fetch this Gentleman  
My Velvet Cloak, and a pair of walking Boots.  Pin. 
Then mayst thou court her in a Method Procus,  
And let her all that while rip out the lining:  
'Tis none of thine, Alas! thou needst not care:  Pro. 
Mass, and well remembered, let me see, not a farthing.  Feels his pockets. Pin. 
— No matter, here's Apparel, Money, and credit.  Val. 
Here, here, I these, these Boots will fit thee, come.  Ent. servant. Pro. 
Faith, I think they'll ne'er fit you again.  Ser. 
What shall I do with these hides, pray Sir.  Pro. 
What hides, pray, Sir.  Ser. 
I cry you mercy Sir. I mean your Boots.  Pro. 
Why, hid 'em any where,  
Drown 'em or anything, so I ne'er see 'um.  Ser. 
I thank you Sir, I shall dispose of them.  Pro. 
I prithee do.  Pin. 
Come Gallants, shall we go.  Pro. 
But d'ye hear, by this hand I'll take the Wall,  
I'll make that bargain for my new Boots sake.  Val. 
Fie, how this Procus still forgets himself,  
And the old customary way he used.  Pin. 
'Tis his red Mantle his led him to this error  Val. 
Thou hast forgot them, there are such things as Coaches,  
Hang the Wall and Kennel, they'll exempt from both.  Pro. 
This 'tis to have a drabbing humour, oh these damned Queans.  Pin. 
Come, come, we dally blades, 'tis very late.  Val. 
We go Pinnario. Stay I had forgot.  
Boy, here take my Keys and fetch me some guilt shillings.  
A cheating way my Rogues that I have invented  
To entice and cozen my night play-fellows.  Pin. 
Excellent.  Gives them guilt shillings. Val. 
Your hands, there's six a piece. My Coach there?  Exeunt. Enter Philarchus. As stealing out o' th' Closet. Phi. 
Softly, softly, thus far I am crept unheard:  
If I but once escape your talons Rooks  
I'll wash, and rub, and scrub you too for this.  
First, (let me see) I'll call her Father hither,  
Then raise the City, all France too if I could:  
Then to the Friar, he'll make 'em confess all.—  
Oh, I shall cough, I am undone, oh, oh,  
This burr will choke me if I hoakt not up.  Engine looks out of his bed. 
Hum, hum, uh, uh, uh.  En. 
'Tis he, Philarchus.  Phi. 
Uh, uh, uh, uh.  En. 
I'll rise and terrify him on a sudden,  
This sheet will dress me rarely like a Ghost.  He enters like a Ghost. 
Whos's that disturbs this silent Room with coughs,  
Or dares break open his barred doors to walk,  Philarchus trembles. 
And trace the path of the departed Spirits?  Phi. 
The Devil haunts her too, what shall I do?  En. 
Be silent and to bed, and never more  
Disturb the pleasures of this sleeping pair.  Phi. 
Oh no, I will not, what's thy name good Devil?  En. 
I am the spirit of slain Octavian,  
Oh, I could tear thee in pieces, to think that thou  
Durst think on that Aurelia with lust  
Which was once mine, continue thy obedience,  
For if thou dost betray her, I will haunt thee,  
And with pale apparitions vex thy soul.  
Depart to bed, thy cold hug, not Aurelia.  Exit Ghost. Phi. 
Good Devil I am gone, how shall I do  
I have forgot my way, befriend me darkness,  He gropes in the dark, and goes to Aurelia's bed instead of his own. 
This way the closet lies I think. Uh, uh.  Au. 
Who's there, Philarchus.  Phi. 
Uh, uh, uh, uh.  Au. 
Oh, that my shield-bearer could hear me now,  
I'd make him ease the tickling of your throat,  
His bed is not so far, but he may hear me.  Phi. 
Cursed mistake.  Au. 
Hoh shield-bearer awake.  En. 
What ails my Amazon.  Within▪ Au. 
Philarchus here.  En. 
How's that Philarchus, nay, then put on the breeches.  Within. Au. 
Sirrah what make you here, confess, confess?  En. 
Conjure up the Ghost, he'll reveal all he intended.  Phi. 
Oh, oh my heart the Ghost, dear wife forbear.  Au. 
He calls me wife, call him up shield-bearer.  Enter Engine with the breeches on a Pole. Phi. 
Oh I shall shakes to powder, I confess all.  En. 
Without premeditation quickly, come.  Phi. 
I meant this night to steal away and leave you,  
Then raise old Senio, the Erier, Rogat,  
And to conduct 'em hither to be witness.—  En. 
Of what, speak villain?  Phi. 
Of my imprisonment and—  Au. 
Oh Dotard betray his Lady and Empress, the breeches.  En. 
Here Amazon.  Phi. 
Dear Imperiours wife take heed.  She attempts to put on the breeches. 
If you do wear 'em you are quite undone,  
'Las, I was cured of the dry scab last moon.  Au. 
Well, hang 'em on the pole again, but hark you,  
If you again conjecture any escape,  
Or let your frowns discover inward anger;  
I'll hang 'em here, here on thy horns deviser.  Phi. 
Oh misery, of a handsome wife, my forehead.  Au. 
Well I'll to sleep again, watch you the Ferret.  Exit. Phi. 
Engine, come hither.  En. 
Your will Sir, what's your will.  Phi. 
Hast thou indeed: lain with my wife to night  
And done the feat for me? Nay, Shield-bearer.  En. 
Speak softly Sir, if my Amazon should hear you,  
You are lost for ever.  Phi. 
Why, what's the matter?  En. 
Softly, you heard us struggling in the night.  Phi. 
Oh yes, the bed did reel against my forehead.  En. 
Well you may think I am false, but 'tis well you spoke not.  Phi. 
Why, what, what projects, honest Engine tell me?  En. 
Why, some fears she had that you'd discover us,  
Which made her even this night intent to geld you,  
And then to swear she found you impotent,  
I used what exhortations I could  
In pity to your members, and at last prevailed  
Something Octavians Ghost has told her since:  
You had best take heed Sir, for he tells her all things.  Phi. 
The Devil's Cuckold, die, die Philarchus.  En. 
Oh the sweet kisses she hung upon my lips,  
When I had put Philarchus from her thoughts.  
That barren piece of Earth where furrows are ploughed,  
That stubble fit for nothing but to burn.  Phi. 
So, now I am going the way of thriving Citizens.  En. 
Then with a thousand passages of Love tricks.  Phi. 
No more, no more, my lust gins to boil.  En. 
Why, I can help you Sir to cooled again,  
So you'll not grumble at what we possess.  Phi. 
One boon, and all is thine, my wife and all.  En. 
On that condition any thing, come tell me.  Phi. 
Beauty has wrought so on my flexid nature,  
And so increased the flame I would suppress.  En. 
Oh, you'd evacuate, is that all Sir,  Phi. 
Some simple harmless wench, thou know'st 'em all  
Though of thy instruction, I shall not weaken her much.  En. 
Why now Philarchus speaks himself a man,  
And will conform himself unto the times,  
His vizard is fallen off, and he's become  
A smooth young striker, active, full of spirit,  
His knees grow strait, his staff with fury flies him  
For fear of being arreigned for killing those  
His fatal hand shall threaten, his shoulders shrink  
Into his marrowy back, his eyes fill up.—  Phi. 
No more good Engine, I am worse than Goat already,  En. 
Then for his wisdom an Isocrates.  
He knows his wife (since she is young and handsome)  
Must have her long, but then he'll have his too:  
And whilst she sport's at home, he'll rut abroad:  
For should he say his wife does Cuckolded him,  
The Town would jeer him into age again:  
Besides: the proofs and confirmations,  
The Lawyer's Fees, with the Attorneys bribes,  
Would rip his bags up, shoal away his Gold,  
Undo his thrift, and cancel all his Bonds.  Phi. 
True, Engine, true. Why, thou shalt have a stipend  
From all rich Citizens to be maintained;  
That I should study to accuse thee Engine,  
Who thus hast saved my honour and estate.  
Get me but wenches, and I vow ne'er more  
To think upon Aurelia but as thine.  En. 
For should you mutter the disgrace is yours.  Pin. 
Thou hast instructed elegantly before.  En. 
As soon as day expect one in the Closet;  
Your wife with men, and why not you with women?  Phi. 
I'll by't thy ear thou Rascal, I will by't it.  En. 
You'll spoil your better bit Sir. Softly, softly.  Exit Phi. 
My mouth waters at your bed. Aurelia,  
Pox on these tempting courtesies. O that I could  
Un-gentleman myself and break my trust:  
But should I do so? Incest and faith together  
Would lie so heavy on me, 'twould make me hang  
Anarse, and then like hunting of the Hare  
With unbreathed Dogs, 'twill be but petty sport.  Exit Engin. Enter Rogat and Friar. Ro. 
Were't possible I could wish all were present.  Fr. 
It will be requisite, but how which way?  Ro. 
The way must be my invitation  
To my son's funeral. How thinks my Father?  Fr. 
I think it reasonable, but then prepare  
What ornaments are fitting for the Hearse;  
We must use order in this undertaking;  
About it noble Rogat, the sun gins  
To show his rays and you have much to do.  Exit Rogat. Friar. 
Prepare we for Confession,  
And our souls absolution,  
What a world of horrid acts,  
Heinous crimes, and bloody facts,  
Whispering evils, secret thoughts,  
Inward fears, and outward faults,  
Big-mouthed oaths, invented Lies,  
Bitter Curses, envious Cries,  
Shall this morning's night produce,  
Whilst I pardon Heavens abuse.  
But some Delinquents will so blindly run,  
They'll knock their brains out 'gainst Confession.   

Actus tertius.  Enter Erotia and Cunicula. Er. 
Cunicula.  Cu. 
My Patroness.  Er. 
When jumbled you last Cunicula?  Cu. 
Not since the Ideses of March.  Er. 
A Roman was it not?  Cu. 
Yes, Patroness.  Er. 
I thought so by the language he has left thee.  
Let me see, how many practisings have you had now?  Cu. 
Some half a score.  Er. 
Well said, thou scor'st 'em up:  
Just of thy years did I begin this trade:  
Ah, what discourse my beauty bred i'th' streets!  
One said I was handsome, t'other proper, witty a third:  
Then the fine Broths I daily had sent to me,  
Potato-pasties, and lusty marrow-pies:  
And then i'th' morning Pickled Oysters brought  
To give my Muscadel and Eggs a relish:  
Then my presenters armed with Pistolets,  
Would drop down showers of bounty on my lap:  
And then, Ah, ah, when I was young  
The novelty was such a thing, Ah, ah.  
Now I am old, and custom has deceived me.  
Thou art still Cunicula full of juice and beauty,  
Rejoice and hug thy time, thou wilt be one day,  
To my grief I speak it, like thy Patroness?  Knock. 
One knocks, a Booty I hope, look out Cunicula.  Cu. 
O Patroness, silk Cloaks and silver Lace,  
A Coachful on 'em.  Er. 
In and prepare yourself.  
Some youngster I hope that has bought new clothes,  
And comes to say 'em here, we'll make afire,  Knock again 
Which shall both air your suit, and melt your Gold:  
Soon enough, soon enough, with what force  
And eagerness they thrust in, but go out  Knock still 
As tame as sheep. Why what's the matter there?  
Will you knock down my doors you saucy Jacks?  Pin. 
Erotia, sweet Erotia let us in.  Within. Er. 
Let ye in, who are ye, I am no such woman,  
Would you should know it I.  Pin. 
'Tis Pinnario.  Enter Pin. Pro Val. Er. 
My Benefactor, you must not be denied.  Pin. 
Why how now Souse, what shut the door upon us?  
Have you not learned my call nor knock yet?  Er. 
Sweet Sir,  
I must adhere, I know your knock within,  
Though, without, my age has dulled my ears too much.  Pin. 
Well, for my satisfaction salute these Gallants.  They kiss Er. 
Sir, as I take it, I have kissed those lips before,  
And yet me thinks I have fogotten where.  Pro. 
Familiar friends already: I knew when once  
I had defied my Boots, red Cloak and Sword:  
I should be adored. I feel my back a breaking.  Er. 
Nor have I lost your memory delightful Sir.  Val. 
No, if thou hadst, thou hadst lost the sweetest pleasure  
Ere slept with thee tough Bombast.  Er. 
Ah, dye remember,  
Just this time four year, I, 'tis thereabouts,  
The Catches we two sung in the back Room,  
And how you laughed at me, when I said, you had forgot  
To hold your Minnum-prick out. Ah you are a wag.  Pin. 
But hark thee Souse, where's my preferred Damsel:  
I have brought these Gallants here to see her (Bombast)  
And to applaud my choice and care of her.  Er. 
So, so, you'll never leave this open dealing:  Enter Cun. 
Why Cuckoe? why Cuni? why Cunicula?  
Thou insatiate Fawn, why dost thou stay so long?  Pin. 
Morrow Fondling, morrow sweet young Fondling:  
Well, be a good wench, and let Souse endue thee;  
Thou hast found a Patron will not let thee sink.  Cu. 
But dive a little into your Comrades pockets.  Aside Pro. 
Sweet Nightingale your Servant, than your Lips.  Salutes her. Val. 
That liberty must none of us be barred of.  Pro. 
Heart, a brave Lass, what a chop she has given my Lips,  
And made their anguish fire my heart with love?  Pin. 
What think you Blades, how do you like my choice?  Pro. 
Prithee stand out o'th' light man, Cuni, quotha,  
I would I were your Hays, I'd hamper ye;  
If I have a face to speak to this old stewed meat  
I am a snowball, and that I am far from at this time.  
I'll fee the Tar-box: Beautiful Erotia.  Cunicula picks Procus his pockets. Pin. 
Smitten, smitten, on my honour, see they are at it  Val. 
Why what an impudence my Cloak has lent him.  Pro. 
Ha, let me see t'other pocket:  
Vanished, all vanished, at such a time too.  
Nay, if money be loft to buy virginity,  
The devil and charity fly with't.  Er. 
Nay Sir,  
Your golden Coin and my Patient is yours?  Pro. 
Mischief, a little patience, and thou shalt have't.  Pin. 
How now Cock-master? what cowed already?  Pro. 
Yes faith, and bowed too. Dost hear Valerio?  
Thou must needs contribute four or five pieces more.  Val. 
How?  Pro. 
Nay, prithee be not angry, faith thou must.  Val. 
Why your gilt shillings?  Pro. 
Lost, Valerio, lost.  Val. 
Nay, lose the cause, and lose the effect for me.  Pro. 
Logic at wenching disputations, absurd.  
Pinnario, thou hast a noble bounteous nature.  
Faith, I have prevailed to hug thy fondling there,  
And only want some customary duties.  Pin. 
Away thou Truant, out with thy cozening Doits.  Pro. 
'Las, they are all perished.  Pin. 
Perished, how, which way?  Pro. 
Shall I tell thee this Valerio's a Quacksalver,  
Hang him out side, there's nought but dregs within.  Pin. 
Why, what's the matter?  Pro. 
Has mixed some hungry poison  
With's deceitful Gold, and it has eat through our pockets.  Pin. 
How? let me see; why, thou'rt deceived mad Procus,  
Look you, he's mine still. Thou wilt not Cheater?  Procus snatches Pinnario's money. Pro. 
By this Gold but I will. Here, here, Erotia, here  Er. 
Here's but three Sir, my bargain was for six.  Pro. 
Pox on my clutches could not scrabble all.  Knocks. Pin. 
Hark Souse, one knocks there I think.  En. 
Within there.  Er. 
What intruders that?  En. 
I'd speak with the Lady.  Er. 
Here's none so worshipful.  En. 
With the Governess.  Cu. 
Govern your tongue, I'll wash your manners else.  Pin. 
Well said, Cuni.  Pro. 
Nay, prithee hear me Cuni.  Cu. 
No, not a syllable without the other three.  Er. 
'Tis Aurelia's Bobadil, her waiting Favourite.  Pin. 
Who, Engine, let's admit him and be revenged.  Pro. 
The Rogue that braund us in his Mistress' Chamber.  
Dost hear Valerio, a man without offence  
To your plush Cloak, may try his skill a little.  Val. 
And tyre it too. What makes the Cerberus here?  Er. 
What shall I say to him?  Val. 
Let him in first.  Exit Erotia. 
By that time we'll invent his entertainment.  Pro. 
Shall's drill his eyes out?  Pin. 
Or make an Eunuch of him.  Pro. 
And swear we found him up to th' ears with Souse.  Enter Erotia with Engin. Er. 
Sir, this liberality commands my house,  
What's here pray call your own.  En. 
Defend me craft,  
My enemies in rank against me. Then Philarchus  
Some of your musty coin must buy 'em off.  Gives Erot. money. 
Here, but remove these silken toys a while.  Om. 
A Pander, a Pander, a Pander.  En. 
Your meaning Gallants?  Draws Val. 
First your chastisement Sir, and we'll obey you.  Pro. 
Sirrah, you Janus with your double face,  
That srowns on us, but smiles upon Aurelia,  
We smell your cunning, Fox, and we will hunt you,  
Till we have worried out your subtlety.  En. 
Sir, the good news I bring deserves not this:  
Have I stretched out my eye-strings for your search,  
Surveyed each street, each alley about the City,  
To find you and the brave Pinnario out,  
And do you thus requite my diligence?  Pin. 
Why, the fellow's made sure, what business hast with me?  En. 
What shall I say? Now, now befriend me wits:  Aside. 
Sir, the Actors in my business are more than myself,  
And one that loves ye Sir.  Pro. 
Aurelia may be.  En. 
Happy instruction. Sir, your ear in private.  Engine whispers with Pinnario and Procus Pin. 
How?  En. 
If I do lie, act on me what you threaten.  Pin. 
But why must Procus be my companion?  En. 
Why Sir, Philarchus has done ill it seems,  
All curses plague him for't, for but for you Sir  
She'd die o'th' long.  Pin. 
Why, why what's the matter man?  En. 
The hoary Ram ne'er lay with her last night,  
Only lent her his Breeches to keep her warm,  
And poor Heart what with expectation  
And angry affliction, she's grown so fiery  
That she's impossible to be quenched by one.  
Hark you. There's work enough for you both  
These six weeks, though you turn your blood to marrow.  Pin. 
Souse, come, I have given thee many a Pistol,  
Lend me some Gold to reward this trusty Servant,  
This faithful honest fellow, or stay, Valerio  
Prithee let's give him thy Cloak Procus has.  Pro. 
How Sir, my Cloak?  Val. 
But hear you Gentlemen, pray what's the news?  En. 
Is this your friend Sir?  Pin. 
I Engine, an honest Hector, shall he along too?  En. 
Yes to his Grave when I can single him.  Aside. 
Sir, with your pardon, I have news for you too,  
And that will make your heart swell high with joy,  
I'll but dispatch these first, and then attend you.  Pro. 
How were we cozened in this honest Engine?  
We thought thee our greatest Enemy alive.  En. 
Who Sir, I? truth defend me, but stay a while,  
I had forgot that, you must shift Gentlemen,  
And put on women's clothes, my Master else  
(At whose name I tremble, he has so beaten me.)  
Will be suspicious to your undoing:  
Some old cast Gowns would secure all.  Pin. 
But hark thee Engine, where shall we find Aurelia?  En. 
Why in her Closet:  
Knock thus, you hear, she'll open presently.  
Perhaps I may be there before you change,  Pro. 
Here Engine, take my Cloak, I give it thee:  
Now are my arms at liberty to hold up my Coats.  En. 
Why is your appetite so slender Gallants?  
Can you demur so long?  Pin. 
Away, away. Engine thou art so faithful.  Pro. 
Buy, Valerio, buy.  Val. 
You'll sup with me to night?  Pin. 
We cannot promise.  Exeunt Pinnario & Procus. En. 
So, now for you Valerio. Erotia  
I have some private business with this Monsieur  
Pray expect us in another Room a while.  Er. 
Libidinous thoughts be with you. Come Cunicula.  Exeunt Erotia & Cunicula. Val. 
Now Engine, what's for me to execute  
About Aurelia, prithee let it be.  En. 
I have no other business than hers, Sir.  Val. 
What, she expects me some where privately?  En. 
So, so, he'll make the quarrel himself anon.  Aside 
Sir, my fair Mistress, (so far have I prevailed)—  Val. 
She has sent thee to bring me to her? Ha!  
I do conceive, but dost hear me Sirrah?  
What, is she active and nimble in her dealing?  En. 
How Sir?  Val. 
Pish come, thou art so modest now:  
Faith, when didst hug her last? I know thou hast done't:  
Here's none but friends man.  En. 
Yes, a deadly foe,  striketh him. 
And to raise courage in you first: take that.  Val. 
Why, villain Engine?  En. 
My Mistress a whore, draw and defend yourself.  Val. 
Art thou so treacherous?  Draws. 
Thy blow base Groom has forfeited thy life.  Valerio falls. En. 
Your prophecy proves false Sir.  Enter Erotia. Er. 
Murder, murder.  En. 
Whore, open but thy jaws again, I'll split 'em,  
Reply not, but harken and obey me, if thou mutter'st  
I'll carve thy skin into Escutcheons for his Hearse.  Er. 
By all my fears, and all that's good I will not.  En. 
Let this confirm you, which if you prosecute  Engine gives her more money. 
With fortunate success shall still flow to you.  Er. 
Why this is a fee to make us fire the City.  En. 
If he be lost use all care for his concealment,  
Then with your fair Disciple here, be sure  
You meet me at Aurelia's house this night.  Er. 
The hour.  En. 
About six, I must not stay, farewell.  Exit Val. 
Oh.  Er. 
Fetch some strong water, quick Cunicula,  
There may be hope of life. How do you Sir?  Val. 
Who's there? Erotia.  Er. 
Yes.  Val. 
Then I have dreamt.  Cu. 
Here's the water Mistress.  He drinks Er. 
So, so, take comfort alas how weak he is?  
Fetch the back-water by my bedside, Cuni,  
That will make him spring again, though his heart were dead.  Val. 
Foiled by a Villain, my unlucky fate.  Exeunt. Enter Procus and Pinnario in women's clothes. Pro. 
'Slight what a mincing gate these Coats have taught me?  
These she-comrades must needs be nimble-thighed,  
They practise it in walking so.  Pin. 
What's here, the Sign o'th' Breeches?  They spy the Breeches upon the pole standing at Aurelia's chamber-door. Pro. 
I conceive it  
'Tis where Philarchus keeps his Centinel,  
We must avoid that path, there's Hell at end on't.  Pin. Enter Engin. 
Engine most opportunely come, dost hear  
Where, where's the Closet? but direct us, then  
Let us alone to raise the Hare and hunt her.  En. 
Yes, you shall hunt, and hang for hunting false.  Aside. 
You speak too loud, what mean you Gentlemen?  
A Lion rampant does inhabit there:  
Behold the Ensign of his desperate wrath:  points to the Breeches 
The least suspicion of your presence here  
Blows us to nothing.  Pro. 
Why, is he then so valiant?  En. 
A very Hercules, I'll tell you Sir,  
One blow of his has so benumbed this arm  
I must despair of life in't for these two days,  
But I shall do you wrong, Knock there and enter.  Exit. Pro. 
Now could I leap through the door, but for Philarchus  Pin. 
Open fair Danae these golden Gates  They knock at the Closet door. 
And shrowded delight within thy pleasant arms.  Enter Phil. Phi. 
Thy Mars bright Venus does obey thy call.  Ambo. 
Philarchus.  Phi. 
Yes, Philarchus can speak Lines  
Provoked by Lechery. A brace of Turtles!  
This Engine exceeds thy duty, come ye Puttocks.  Pin. 
Why Procus we are abused, a trick upon us.  Pro. 
Speak lower, if the purblind Ass will needs  
Take us for whores, and so beguile himself,  
Let us not cross his humour.  Pin. 
A match, be confident.  Phi. 
These Harlots have such enticing delays.  
I must defer no longer. Come kiss me both of ye.  Pro. 
Pox o' your bristles, how they bore my Lips.  Phi. 
Nay, now we have begun, no fumbling till we have ended.  Pin. 
Nay, good Sir, you'll disgrace yourself with us.  Phi. 
I, so you all say when you want a greasing.  
I will endure no longer—  Pro. 
But you must.  Phi. 
Too loud, my wife will hear. I must ye Queans;  
Get ye in to th' Closet, go.  Enter Aur. and Engin. Pin. 
we'll be no prisoners.  En. 
Quench him now whilst he's hot, he'll hiss again.  Au. 
Ye Vagabonds, ye Harlots, out ye Strumpets.  Beats them. Phi. 
My wife Aurelia, O my endless shame!  En. 
Good Sir bear up, would I could help you Sir.  Au. 
A Constable, fetch me a Constable:  
I'll have these Queans whipped round about the Town.  Pin. 
Why—  Aside to the Gentlemen. En. 
For your own credits discover not yourselves  
Should my Master see your breeches he'd run mad.  Au. 
Fetch me a Constable, I say, why go'st not?  
Sirrah for your part I'll have your boisterous—  Enter Engin. Phi. 
Stomach or any thing pulled down, dreadful wife,  
I do confess and humbly ask thy pardon.  Enter Engin. Au. 
So, is he come?  En. 
Yes, those you thought not on. The Friar and Rogat.  Phi. 
My fit, my fit.  Pro. 
What will become of us Pinnario?  Pin. 
Become of us, why let's unmask ourselves.  Au. 
Peace Gentlemen, conceal, it was my plot:  
But vex Philarchus for my sake this night,  
And then I am yours.  Pro. 
Excellent rare wit!  Au. 
Dye tremble Sir, there's remedy on coming.  Phi. 
I hear 'em coming. Dear Amazon, on my knees  
I beg concealment but for this offence,  
With my hired lewd ones here, and I vow hereafter,  
Never to cross thee in the least attempt.  En. 
Madam, have mercy on his vanquished gascoins.  Au. 
Shall I then pity thee? O thou vile—  Phil. 
No more, I will confess myself all base,  
So you'll betray us not.  Au. 
In, to my Closet.  
What now, I'll take a care for these. Farewell.  Exeunt. Enter Rogat, Friar, Engin. En. 
Sir, some occasions have called my Master forth,  
My Mistress though will much rejoice to see you.  Ro. 
But we may see Aurelia then.  En. 
Yes Sir, there lies your way, if you please to enter.  Exeunt. Enter Pinnario, Procus, Engin. En. 
For look you Gentlemen it was her policy;  
For had not she devised some sudden terror  
To affright Philarchus, his jealousy  
Had interrupted all, but now our plot is sure,  
He dares not now divulge it though he know it,  
Lest he betray what he would act with you;  
But I am glad you shirk away so handsomely.  Pin. 
'Twas time I think. When shall we hear from thee?  En. 
I asked not that o'th' Friar. About Suppertime.  Aside. Pro. 
Thou knowst Valerio's Lodging.  En. 
Why dye ask?  Pin. 
We sup with him to night.  En. 
I'll wait upon you there.  Pin. 
Nay thou shalt, in faith, in faith thou shalt.  Gives him money. En. 
This way to please you.  Exeunt. Enter Rogat and Friar. Ro. 
'Tis doubtless so, for had his death been certain  
The Law by this time had surprised Engin.  Fr. 
The House sets forth no memory of sorrow  
As I passed by, fear not but he's recovered.  Ro. 
Fie Engine, venture all our hopes thus rashly.  Fr. 
Well Son, we must not flag in the last scene,  
When erterprises most need aid and action  
What has been further cast by me within,  
Aurelia will inform you. Night hastens on,  
Away to the prosecution.  Ro. 
I'll to Senio.  Exit Rogat. Fr. 
Thus our weatherbeaten Bark  
Arrives at the Haven in the dark,  
Hoping there to be redressed  
Of the storms which her oppressed,  
And now smiles to think upon  
Horrors she hath undergone,  
So we to night expect a happy rest  
In deaths cold womb, or in Aurelia's breast.  Exit.  

Actus quartus. Scaena prima.  Enter Aurelia and Engine, met by Erotia and Cunicula. Er. 
Cupid defend me, what tempting Ensign's that?  She spies the Breeches hanging on the pole and wonders at them. En. 
Pox on my Ensign, how does Valerio?  Er. 
View those exalted hams, Cunicula.  Au. 
Hell on these Breeches, how does Valerio?  En. 
She must be humoured. I'll tell the mystery.  
My Master to terrify this his young wife  She still wonders. 
Commands me still to bear this shield before her.  Er. 
O wicked provocation! Out upon it!  En. 
Now wilt thou tell us how Valerio does?  Er. 
Valerio, never better in his life;  
'Twas only loss of blood, his wounds were slight;  
He sups with me to night, and now sent word  
To Pinnario and Procus to be his Guests.  Au. 
Engine give her one of Philarchus bags.  
I may believe thee?  Er. 
By the reward I hope for.  Au. 
So, give it her.  En. 
But on condition,  
To aid and help us with your pretty Servant.  Er. 
Though we lie by it a fortnight.  En. 
My Mistress will instruct you. I'll to th' Friar.  Exeunt. Enter Valerio and Babilas. Val. 
My Babilas, no more, for thy fruition  
Has brought a Balsam to restore my health.  Ba. 
O my Valerio, were my sister thine  
I could with willingness contemn the world  
And this Disguise ta'en off, publish myself  
To the rigorous Laws, but when Valerio  
Wants Babilas to associate his Designs,  
I am not myself, till I have prosecuted  
The least of his intents.  Val. 
Thou art my bosom,  
No thought lies there but what thy fancy breeds:  
Then prithee advise me if thou canst, my friend,  
Which way I might wipe off this foul disgrace  
This base Groom gave me?  Ba. 
You must not be too rash,  
What we resolve must silently be done,  
Nor think Valerio to share alone in this.  Val. 
Not for my Reputation Babilas.  
That were unequal odds against one man.  Ba. 
Were his birth equal to us I confess it,  
It were a Coward's act, but to a Peasant  
What punishment too great can be inflicted?  Val. 
Thou hast cleared my doubts, then let's consult a while.  Enter Servant. Ser. 
Pinnario Sir and Procus are without.  Ba. 
Let me withdraw.  Enter Pin. and Pro. Val. 
By no means Babilas.  Pin. 
Pox on your constancy, and why here to night?  
Procus has worn his Boots out to the welts  
With seeking you.  Pro. 
And my heels too I think.  
Ha, what Swissers beard is that?  points at Babilas. Pin. 
Who is't Valerio?  Val. 
A worthy friend of mine, prithee salute him.  Pin. 
Thy friend and we not know him. Noble Sir,  
I shall be proud to be esteemed your servant.  Pro. 
And I to kiss your hands.  Ba. 
You honour me too much, and did my—  Val. 
Nay, prithee no compliments,  
'Twill hinder our discourse and spoil our mirth:  
Come honest Rogues sit down. Boy, some Tobacco.  
And now Pinnario tell me, how dost like her?  Aside to Pinnario. Pin. 
Like, who?  Val. 
I must devise some way to know  Aside. 
Where they have been, you think I know nothing.  
Why, what stayed Engine here but to relate  
What you were venturing for. What, to thy friend?  
'Slight, were I guilty of my father's death  
I would not hid it from my familiar friend.  Pin. 
Why, thou shalt know, Valerio is my friend,  
'Tis but a woman's credit lost at most,  
If thou shouldst blab, walk by, I'll tell thee all.  Val. & Pin. whisper whilst Babilas & Pro. take Tobacco. Ba. 
Sir, will you taste of this Tobacco?  
Right Spanish I assure you.  Pro. 
I love the weed  
For the bold Nations sake, I have heard 'em say,  
You may believe a Spaniard on his word  
Before an Englishman on forty oaths.  Ba. 
Amongst my many Travails, 'twas my fortune  
To touch upon that preaching Island.  Pro. 
England?  Ba. 
'Twas called so Sir, till another eat it up.  Pro. 
What Country, Sir?  Ba. 
They call it Scotland Sir.  Pro. 
Miraculous. A hungry Country sure.  Ba. 
Troth Sir, good store of stones and long thorned bushes.  Pro. 
The people too devoured?  Ba. 
Most on 'em Sir,  
Some few who clapped hands with the Enemy  
Are saved, who for a badge of their conformity  
Unto the Victor's will, sharpened their ears,  
And stead of hair, glued on their heads the bristles  
Of nasty Swine.  Pro. 
Why there's my Logic proved now,  
I remember in my last school disputation,  
They laughed at me for saying, Homo est asinus rationalis.  Pin. 
Incredible by Engine, he durst not do't.  Val. 
He dares not cheat as soon, or be a Pander,  
But I am glad you scaped so well, if he does so—  Pin. 
Nay come thou must not cherish anger Val,  
I dare proclaim (what ever moved him to't)  
Him true and faithful.  Val. 
The event will show it.  Enter Er. & Cun. 
What my fat Hostess where hast thou been puffing.  Pro. 
Erotia and her Servant.  Er. 
Pray pardon.  
Sir, I have business with you, lend your ear.  to Pin. Erot. whispers with Pin. and Proc. Pin. 
Procus a word.  Ba. 
What means this whispering?  Val. 
A bargain for Cunicula, my life on't.  Pro. 
Excellent Engin.  Pin. 
At the Friar's Cell.  
And the pretence Octavian's funeral.  Er. 
The better cloak to hid your Enterprise:  
For should you be suspected, pretending that—  Val. 
Pish, prithee defer this juggling sport a while,  
And let's to supper, drink hard, and then  
Pox o'the world: we are fit for any Exploit.  Cun. 
Sir, supper waits you.  Val. 
We come Cunicula  Exeunt Pro. Val. Erot. Manet Valerio and Pinnario. Val. 
Hang me, thou shalt profess thyself my foe,  
But I will know it.  Pin. 
Prithee I must not tell thee.  Val. 
I'll tell thee thou art a Coward by this light then,  
Forswear thy company— why, hast drank Lethe?  
That thoust forgotten what thoust promised me?  Pin. 
Wilt thou be silent?  Val. 
As Octavian's murdered Ghost.  Pin. 
Why then thy hand, thou shalt along with us.  
Aurelia's but for a night, thou art mine for ever.  Val. 
Nobly resolved.  Pin. 
And so we'll prosecute.  Exeunt. Enter Rogat and Senio. Ro. 
Sir, what I utter: grant us but your presence,  
I'll pawn my honour shall be manifest.  Sen. 
Shall I believe Philarchus, whose account  
Hath stretched above the reach of common men,  
Whose Character is known about the City,  
To be full of faith and awful gravity.  
Shall I believe I say, that this this man  
Would dim the lustre of his dear Repute  
By such an act as this 'twere sin to credit it.  Ro. 
Sir, if my zeal to you hath raised your temper,  
You must not look now for a rough reply  
From him whose grief is raised above his anger,  
Yet this i'th' midst of my extrem'st distraction,  
Which for Aurelia's sake I intimate.  
Be pleased to night to grace Octavian's Hearse  
At the Friar's Cell, where if I prove not this  
Let me be held a Traitor. Think on't. Farewell.  Exit Rog. Sen. 
To all this world's content if this prove true.  Exit Sen. Enter Philarchus as in the Closet. Phi. 
Fire, fire, where is't? O that my Gold would turn  
To kindled fuel, or my rotten Bonds  
Engender flame to burn themselves to ashes,  
And thaw my frozen joints. I quake for cold  
Horned and starved too, this 'tis for age to dote  Enter Engin. En. 
Heaven bless my Master, your Ague still upon you.  Phi. 
O Engine, art thou come, lend me thy hand.  
Have I it? tell me, for I have lost my feeling.  En. 
Why, you have forgot the Lecture that I read you!  
Nay then I see all labours lost on you.  
What tremble at a sudden interruption?  
Why, who'd have thought your wife had been so near?  
'Twas a mere chance, for my pains despair not  
That way has failed, but I have now invented  
So sure a plot, so certain a soundation—  
Why do you start at that should make you glad?  
Why, this me thinks should raise and rally up  
Your blasted spirits, and like an angry Ram  
Make you retreat to run with greater force.  Phi. 
Fa lafoy lafoy, la la fa, la la la, fa la.  Dances. En. 
Stamped like Bucephalus, again, again Sir.  
O lechery in age what Monster art thou?  Phi. 
Come lovely Phillis, since that thy will is—  En. 
So does the shadow hurt the tender Grass  
Or morning's dew suppress the opening flowers,  
As does the nimble feet of young Philarchus  He dances whilst Engine talks. 
Imprint their weight upon the fruitful earth.  Phi. 
I could now caper over the Moon me thinks.  En. 
Over an earthly Moon, (be ruled by me)  
And you shall presently.  Phi. 
How? where? which way?  En. 
How he enchants himself within the nooz?  Aside. 
Such is my care and diligence to serve you,  
Forgetful of myself and all the world,  
So I may purchase your high prized favour.  Phi. 
My favour Engin.  En. 
'Tis that I only aim at:  
And to give fire and levelly at my ends,  
Hear Sir the cunningest plot wit ere found out:  
This night, this night, this happy pleasant night  
You are to meet at the holy Friar's Cell,  
The rarest Pigeon, comfortablest Dove—  Phi. 
But what affairs shall I pretend my Engine?  En. 
Why, your wife with Senio your father in law,  
Are both invited to Octavian's funeral:  
Set out with them, 'twill be a good excuse;  
And once being there, by me you shall beled  
Where you shall find—  Phi. 
Such pastime, such delight.  En. 
Wolf, how the mere conceit makes his Chaps mumble?  
Why are you idle Sir? by this they are going.  Phi. 
But for thy reward, nay, in faith thou shalt.  Gives him money, En. 
I have battered yet the Rock, if I do split.  Exeunt. Enter Rogat and Friar. Fr. 
Yet I think it not unfit since all's prepared,  
If you do make a second invitation.  Ro. 
Doubtless he'll come.  Fr. 
We must be certain, Rogat.  
If Senio fail our enterprise is lost:  
A minute's compliment and they are ours.  Ro. 
Since you will have it so I am content.  Exit Rog. Fr. 
Thus the wounds which bleeding were  
Are now stopping by my care.  
'Tis the glory of the Friar  
To be Chorus in this Choir,  
Where our sorrows are divorcing,  
And no envy reinforcing.  
Thus innocence at last shall wear the Crown,  
When vice its self with her own hands plucks down.   

Actus quintus. Scaena prima.  Enter Pinnario, Procus, Babilas, Valerio, Engine, as in the Friar's Cell. En. 
Can it be possible that you should thus  
Oppose my service and delude yourself.  Pin. 
What means the fellow?  En. 
What does Valerio here?  Pin. 
Why, he comes to tell thee he has forgot thy fault,  
Upon condition to be partner with us.  
His friend to his honest friend a Traveller,  
Alas he'll do nothing but keep council, he.  En. 
Babilas I must then conclude their stay.  Aside. 
I have it, excellent. How am I bound  
And twice rewarded for this favour Sir?  
But mediate for me Sir, I'll fit you all.  Pin. 
Valerio a word.  En. 
Good Sir be earnest.  Pin. 
By all our friendship, and familiar love,  
By valour, honour, faith and loyalty,  
Forget, forgive, and here again receive  
This trusty fellow.  En. 
Sir, upon my knees.  Val. 
Upon condition I may participate  En. 
I have another Sir, on purpose for you.  
Equal in all things to Pinnario's.  
And see how it happens; two and two.  Val. 
Good Engine?  En. 
Sir, for the cause of my affront, but stay  
Till I have praefaced this small satisfaction  
And I will show you—  Val. 
Hang all Repetitions,  
'Twas a mere dream, thou never wrong'st me Engin.  En. 
Concupiscence, what Cowards are thy slaves?  They go out and enter again as being led by Engine in the dark Cave. 
Gentlemen follow softly: not a word.  
So, here stay you Sir with your noble friend,  
But stir not for fear of losing, the Cave is wide  
And dark: when you hear this enchanting melody,  
Come Cloris high we to to the Bower—  Speaking to Valerio and Bab. 
That's the word to know your wench by.  Val. 
Come Cloris high we—  En. 
And then you have her.  
Your wench shall find you out, you need not stir.  Speaking to Pin. and Pro. 
When you have done I will conduct you forth,  
But stir not till then, for Octavian's Hearse lies near,  
If you should stumble at it, you are lost.  
Mum not a word. Now comes your turn Philarchus.  Exit. Enter Rogat, Senio, Philarchus, Aurelia. Ro. 
First Sir, I bid you welcome to my grief  
Then to the unfolding of the strangest plot  
The wicked ere invented, or Hell produced.  Sen. 
Sir, you amaze me with wonder, and yet still  Enter Engine 
Draw or't a curtain to interpose the knowledge.  Ro. 
Please you to enter, it soon shall be withdrawn.  Ex. Rog. Sen. Au. Manet Engine, Philarchus. Phi. 
Now Engine, now, now are we left alone.  En. 
Fellow then softly, I'll find you company.  Phi. 
If I do not boar her, then cousin me again.  En. 
I will so Sir.  Phi. 
How Engine, Cousin me?  En. 
I will go Sir, I said.  Phi. 
I cry thee mercy.  They go out and Engine leads him in again by the hand as into the dark Cave. 
At his mercy now indeed. I hope she brings  
Full sparkling ey-balls and a shining brow,  
I scarce shall grope her else; so thick's the darkness.  
But why may not this Engine here have an Engine  
Subtly prepared to wash my appetite  Rogat & Senio hearken behind the Arras. 
Pish, I am diffident, it cannot be  
He means as plainly as I am full of wrinkles.  Sen. 
Miraculous, this cannot be Philarchus.  Behind the Arras. Ro. 
The end proves that, pray interrupt him not.  Exit Eng. and enter Fr. in his room, and brings with him Er. disguised like Au. Here the Friar counterfeits Eng. voice. Fr. 
Philarchus, Master, Master.  Phi. 
Here, here.  Fr. 
Take here then your Tassel gentle.  Phi. 
Yes faith I'll warrant thee, & make her stoop too.  Fr. 
You may be louder, Sir.  Phi. 
But the old men.  Fr. 
In the Friar's Chapel, far enough from you.  
Sir, strike on opportunity while she's here;  
You may trail many a night for such a scent.  
Well, my old Master expects me.  He makes as if he went out, but stays. Phi. 
My own own Engine, all the wealth I have:  
Come my young Parsley-bed, come prithee kiss me.  Ro. 
Now Sir it works.  Sen. 
The Devil, 'tis the Devil:  
My Daughter's wedded to a ramping Fiend.  Ro. 
You'll justle all aside, peace and attend.  Phi. 
Well said my nimble do: what thinks my wench?  
If to stretch my pleasures to a large extent,  
My Nightingale would warble forth a song.  Fr. 
You must humour him, sing, sing any thing.  Enter Eng. with a dark Lantern & a sheet, and lies down in Octau. coffin. En. 
So, now to the cold Grave to rise again  
Eternally inrobed with peaceful bliss.  Er. 
Come Cloris, high we to the Bower.  Val. 
My sweet Decoy, I come, I come delight.  Fr. 
Mischief upon him, he'll interrupt our sport.  Val. 
Who's here, Pinnario?  Fr. 
I, pox on't 1  The Friar counterfeits Pin. his voice. 
Hinder me just in action, is this fair play?  Val. 
Rail at the darkness prithee, and not at me.  All this while Phil. hears them talk in the Cave & trembles at it. 
who'd think your Quean should learn my Turtles note?  
'Tis hellish dark, would I could find my place again  
Prithee whistle Babilas that I may find thee out.  Sen. 
Ha, Babilas, my son a whoremaster!  Enter Cun. disguised like Au. she goes to Pin. Ro. 
But patience Sir, all will be known anon.  Pin. 
Aurelia welcome, come we'll make no words.  Phi. 
O what an Ague shakes my unsavoury tongue?  
And 'gainst my will makes me confess myself  
A Knave, a Rogue, a most incestuous Villain.  Sen. 
Say you so, say you so. Aurelia my wronged child.  Phi. 
Valerio, Pinnario, Babilas.  
Here too skulks some body Valerio talked to;  
Welcome wives pounces, Engines staff and shield.  
So you would thump me from this den of Devils.  Eng. from the coffin in a sheet. En. 
That, that's my Cue. In me Octavians Ghost  
The Devils do salute thee, and have sent—  Phi. 
Oh oh oh.  En. 
The hungry sword that devoured his youthful blood  
To entertain thy putrefied entrails.  Fr. 
Ha, Octavians Ghost!  Ba. 
Octavians Ghost!  They are all frighted. Cu. 
A Ghost!  Pro. 
Nay, the Devil shall part us ere we let thee go.  Fr. 
How's this? My Cave the beaten Road of Lust?  
Philarchus and his Trull?  Phi. 
O Father, Father.  Fr. 
Pinnario, Procus, Valerio, Babilas?  Om. 
We'll all confess, good good Father forgive us,  
And by your art remove this fearful Ghost.  Fr. 
Say you so too.  Phi. 
All that I ever did  
Since my day of birth; O oh my chattering teeth,  
My quaking bowels, O.  Fr. 
Then stand apart;  Speaks to the Ghost. 
Brother of earth, and shadow of frail flesh,  
By my holy Order I command thee speak,  
What crimes on earth remit thy pains in Hell?  
And gives thee licence, like Octavians Ghost  
To trace the upper Region of us Mortals?  En. 
Let me first suck away this old man's soul,  
And I'll obey thee, or with my fiery eyes  
Flash him to ashes.  Phi. 
O Father, Friar, Father.  Fr. 
Speak, speak, or I will sink thy troubled Ghost  
Unsatisfied into the cold earth's womb.  En. 
Let him confess then all the injuries,  
The wrongs, the miseries, afflictions,  
Abuses, terrors, fears, threats, and disgraces,  
He ere did think, act, or intent to Aurelia;  
Next let the knees of Babilas my foe  
bend at my feet, and there forgiveness ask,  
To appease my wrathful spirit.  Ba. 
I do, I do.  En. 
Aurelia now i'th' arms of brave Pinnario,  
I do bequeath as his.  Pin. 
Bear witness, Father.  En. 
He'll not confess. Let me foam Brimstone on him.  Phi. 
O yes, good Devil, confess, I'll confess all.  En. 
My time is short, be brief.  Phi. 
Briefer than words.  
Where's Engine, O that Engine, he has a Paper  
Filled with my wrongs committed to Aurelia,  
Which have been many, vile, notorious,  
To the defiling of her name and bed.  En. 
My nimble Ghost hath fetched the paper already.  Shows a paper. 
Is all this true? Swear, swear, thou worse than damned.  Phi. 
By my present fears, by the mercy that I hope for  Ent. Ro. Sen. En. 
I come you howling Furies, make me way.  Exit. Ro. 
And we supply your room, nay you may enter,  
The Ghost is vanished.  Sen. 
Shame of Gravity.  To Phil. Phi. 
Rogat and Senio? Infamy, disgrace:  
Sir, make me not a shame to all the world;  
I will repair the ruins I have made  
With the best satisfaction of my life.  
Dear wife (if I may call thee so) on my knees  
I do entreat thy mediation.  Fr. 
But I good Son,  
Must not forget the appeasing of the Ghost.  Phi. 
What means my Father still to talk of Ghosts?  Fr. 
Yes, and his Ghost, till fair Aurelia  
Be made Pinnario's will ever haunt thee.  Phi. 
I do resign and freely give her up.  Enter Au. and Eng. Pin. 
Marry, and I will keep her. Ah sweet Mistress.  
I knew I should arrive at last though long.  Enter Eng. with Au. Pin. stairs to see Au. with En. pulls off her veil. 
But where's this Engine, this dissembling Rogue?  En. 
Here Sir, why stare you? you called me, did you not?  Pin. 
Damned lying spirit, Aurelia with Engine?  
What Snail hid in her slimy shell have I got?  
Cunicula.  Cu. 
Your own Sir, flesh and bone.  Pin. 
Procus, Valerio, my constant friends,  
Shall we still flatter and beguile ourselves  
With this base Varlets sauciness and pride,  
So many evidences of our shame  
As here are present: if we murder him,  
Will say he merited that punishment:  
Draw then, and on him.  They draw. Eng. pulls off his disguise. Pro. 
Rascal we'll mark your Carcase.  Dauph. 
Why, Gentlemen, this rudeness is below  
A Commons mutiny, or Sailors muster.  Om. 
Dauphine!  Pro. 
Were't thou the Ghost and thing that cheated us?  Dau. 
Thank this white sheet and this disguise, I was;  
Nay, tremble not, I am no Ghost, Philarchus,  
Give you joy young Sir, and your fat wife Erotia.  Er. unveiled. Om. 
Erotia!  Sen. 
Philarchus with a Bawd.  Phi. 
Where shall I look? That I were blind and deaf.  Ro. 
Nay, all appears not yet, for that the world  
May testify how much Dauphine preferred  
His brother's life before my fair Estate.  
By Dauphine's help behold Octavian safe.  Enter Oct. Om. 
Octavian!  Ro. 
It is my Son alive, in health and lusty.  Pro. 
By my great Boots as greatly joy to see thee.  Om. 
So do we all.  Oct. 
To all my humblest thanks.  
And Gentlemen I soon will satisfy  
Your longing expectation, give me first leave  
To acquit my wronged Aurelia of this man.  Phi. 
Now, now, I am slicing for the Devil's breakfast.  Oct. 
See here with his own hand registered  
All the devices, plots, conspiracies,  
To Aurelia offered.  Sen. 
I'll read them presently—  Oct. 
Stay Sir, Aurelia now is mine again,  
I must not sow distaste with my springing joys:  
Let him but vow to obey this one command,  
And thus his faults are torn.  Phi. 
I do protest.  Oct. 
Then I command and charge you to receive  
This equal wife into your feeble arms;  
Cherish, embrace her, and both live honestly.  Phi. 
Marry a whore.  Oct. 
Then I'll proclaim all.  Phi. 
Hold noble just Octavian, I obey you.  Er. 
And me to Giblets, I'll chip you into Mommocks else.  Phi. 
So, so, Aurelia's cruelty in her too.  Dau. 
Hark brother, pause a little; I have now  
A happy occasion to advance my fortune:  
You know I have but a small Annuity,  
But all had been mine, had I not saved your life,  
By acting Engine for you.  Oct. 
Thou hast so nobly freed me from my fears  
That I am only poor in thanking thee,  
Command what ere thou wilt.  Dau. 
Hark then. You see Philarchus is so frighted  
So ashamed, and fearful of what you may discover,  
That he'll do any thing so you be secret.  
Faith, add one more command, and let it be  
To settle on me two hundred pounds a year,  
And then thoust nobly recompensed thy brother;  
I have a Bond here of twenty thousand pound  
Ready engrossed to tie him to his promise.  Oct. 
'Tis done, I'll warrant thee. Stay I recant,  
Shall I be good to thee, conceal thy faults,  
Mary thee to a fit wife, and all this  
To thee my Enemy, yet reap no benefit?  Phi. 
What a poor doting fool can give, receive.  Oct. 
Then on my brother Dauphine engage to settle  
Two hundred pounds a year, no words, but presently  
Seal to perform it, else by my revenge—  Phi. 
No big words, if you have mercy, what shall I do?  
Two hundred pound, though dearer than my blood,  
Yet cheap enough to save my Reputation.  
I do consent, give me the Bond, I'll seal.  Dau. 
Father and Gentlemen your hands to witness.  Rog. 
To what my son?  Dau. 
A trifling thing called two hundred pounds a year  
Philarchus here is bound to settle on me.  Ro. 
How's that? My hand and blessing too.  Pro. 
A lucky Rogue, and yet wears no great Boots.  Phi. 
I deliver you this as my Act and Deed.  Seals. Dau. 
Why, so, this is a blessed end of Usury,  
To purchase Land to bestow on younger brothers.  
May all rich Citizens observe thy charity.  Sen. 
Octavian as I rejoice to see  
Thy forgotten dust resume a shape again,  
So I lament the deprivation  
Of Aurelia from thee and all men else.  Oct. 
How's this?  Sen. 
Alas, she's married to Philarchus.  Fr. 
Hold Senio, and hear the Friar speak,  
And from his words gather the union  
Of these so long divorced pair of Lovers.  
Walking abroad to taste the morning sweetness  
A gory tract of blood made me a path  
To the unwelcome place, where wounds lay gasping  
Of a slain body, ghastly, stiff, disguised  
For fear of the Edict then new proclaimed:  
I raised his body with my aged arms,  
Bore him to be interred within my Cell,  
But searching his wounds, and pulling off his Vizard,  
(With pale fear daunted) I beheld his face,  
Which me thought was coloured with some hope of life;  
In short such bounty Heaven lent my pains,  
That with my Art I soon recalled again.  
His shrinking spirits. But he whose only life  
Was hid and cherished in Aurelia's bosom  
Bursts out loud cries for his Aurelia,  
And that he feared, if's death were but suspected  
Her father then would force her to Philarchus:  
All comforts I administered were loathsome,  
Unless I'd sweeten them with his Aurelia:  
I found this grief was desperate, which made me  
Send in all haste to Rogat and Aurelia,  
And to be certain, and add joy to health,  
(And with consent of Rogat and Aurelia,)  
By my holy Order made them Man and Wife.  Se. 
But why so long did you conceal the Marriage?  Fr. 
Hearing Philarchus was the selected man,  
And doubting least Octavians wounds might prove  
Still mortal, and that Senio would not hazard  
(On that account) his daughter to Octavian,  
And that Philarchus Gold and solid outside  
Should tempt and cousin you, grave Senio,  
To give your daughter up to him she hated,  
And on a father's curse wed whom she abhorred.  
(Ashamed to see an old man dote in love)  
'Twas our invention, Dauphine thus disguised  
Should fright and terrify Philarchus,  
Unto a true confession of himself.  Se. 
Why, then you married Aurelia and Octavian?  Fr. 
I did.  Se. 
And your pretence of Dauphine's hot pursuit  
In search of Babilas, was but supposed,  
That so he might act Engine unsuspected.  Ro. 
It was indeed.  Se. 
My blessing, my blessing on you both.  Oct. 
Now may I call thee twice mine bright Aurelia.  Fr. 
Pinnario though young Octavians friend,  
You have done ill, and grossly have betrayed  
In this poor wench even innocence itself,  
It will agree with our conformity,  
If you create Cunicula your wife.  Pin. 
Troth now I am up, and for Octavians sake:  
Dost hear Cunicula, after variety  
Of bedfellows, will one content thee? Ha'?  Cun. 
Yes, and my prayers for this conversion.  Fr. 
How is my Cell blessed?  Pro. 
Nay, since all's lost, I'll to my Boots again.  Oct. 
Now to you Babilas, whose fortune 'twas  
To glory in my conquest, let me tell thee,  
Dauphine has fetched mine honour back again  
From thy friend's bosom, and if you repine  
Again, I dare thee to a second fight.  Ba. 
No more contention unless it be in friendship:  
Happy Octavian I beg thy love and pardon.  Oct. 
Thou hast 'em back. Henceforth for ever friends.  Val. 
Was Babilas the cause then of our quarrel?  Dau. 
He was.  Ba. 
Valerio and Dauphine then agree too.  Fr. 
I'll mediate betwixt 'em: give me your hands,  
Because in my opinion all are quit,  
For what Octavian lost by Babilas  
In Valerio's blood was recompensed by Dauphine,  
What Valerio suffered was before maintained  
By the hand of Babilas. By the love and honour  
For which you fought for, I command you:  
Receive each others friendships to your bosoms.  Dau. 
With my souls best power.  Embrace. Val. 
With joy and gladness.  Dau. 
Pinnario and Procus I ask your pardon.  
'Twas for my brother's Mistress I used you thus.  
When you have a Mistress each of you command,  
Both of us how or in what form you please.  Pro. 
And by my great Boots thou wilt act it rarely.  
Well. Since 'twas for a handsome Lass, Dauphine,  
And on condition of the like assistance  
For me, when I shall need thee. Let's embrace.  Pin. 
On the same terms than let us all embrace.  Here all embrace. Om. 
For ever real, hearty and true Friends.  Se. 
To make this union stronger, let me entreat  
You all would honour my poor house this night,  
And taste a supper seasoned with your welcome.  Omnes. 
We all consent.  Friar. 
Take then thy fair one in thy arms,  
And Saints protect ye from all harms;  
Pinnario with Cuniculu,  
Philarchus with Erotia,  
Valerio, Babilas, and Procus, they  
Shall be the Bridemen of this day;  
Dauphine with his new purchase then  
The rare alms of a Citizen;  
Wise Rogat with grave Senio,  
And last myself the Friar too.  
All to my Chapel then away  
To those delights which show the day.  
Thus flourish shall the just, and still increase,  
Till death them crown with everlasting peace.  Exeunt omnes.   

EPILOGUE.  

'tIs done without Amen, or superstition,  
Pope's Bull, or the Committees inquisition:  
What think ye now of Plays? Abominable:  
Or is't 'cause you want wit to unfold a Fable,  
Pick out the Allegory, drive the sense  
Where the Plot aims it: that your benevolence  
Should clap us, and our mouths up. Confess, confess;  
You would be something, and against Plays you press,  
To be pricked down as Statesmen, not because  
You do conceive 'em hurtful, but will make Laws,  
To undo the Gallants pastime of the Land:  
Beats down because you cannot understand.   

Slow Readers, look upon the Roman State,  
Whose high built frame the stars durst emulate,  
And look as far as they. Ask Livy there,  
How many worthies graced her Theatre:  
They whose civility hath nursed us all;  
Thought 'em most holy, styled 'em Tragical,  
From their God's Sacrifices. And must we,  
Whose polished Scene purged from obscenity  
By Poets flaming fancies, whose bright rays  
Consume scurrility, and fix the Bays  
With us to fan profaneness, drive away  
Light chaff, that in pure colours, Scenes display.  
When plots work high with contradictions filled,  
Amazing you, how are they reconciled?  
Must we I say be censured? Why 'tis your nature  
To gaze at new things, adore the fashion's altar.   

No, more resist your own opinions. We  
Will dress our Scenes with various novelty,  
And teach you wit enough for eighteen pence  
Above the reach of the Common Councils sense.   

Try and persever, if you find this true,  
Silence your errors, and we are quit with you.   
FINIS.