THE Trap-Pannnians AIAS Trap-Pallians ALIAS Trap-Tonians. A Detection of some unparall'd Plots, Attempts and Perpetrations practised by a knot of Knaves, in and about the City of LONDON. For the Apprehending and Mulcting of those whom (by their conivance) the cunning Courtesans of the Town consent to etc. to the Disgrace Impoverishment and utter ruin of many honest and eminent men in and about London. OLbyon's another Egypt; Thames like Nile Gives monstruous births, Heaven weeps while Furies smile, But now when Jove had sheathed the sw●rd of Mars, See; the Quain Venus broaches fiercer Wars, A crew of cursed ones (to pocket Treasure) Obstruct the onsets of the Paphian Pleasure, And like uncharitable envious Elves Will have none to get Bastards but themselves; Judge then to what a pass the world would come, Should those be suffered (thus) to stitch the womb Of Nature up— and by sinister Tricks Maul every man that loves a Meretri●; The Pions' Act which th'warts this mortal sin, One would conceit were a fubstantiall Gin; To manackle these Fleshflies— must Sir John Mounted on's Mare, fear some Trap-Pan'ion Will force him from the Saddle, and discleak him, Amerce him. Awe him, flout him, threat to cheek him; 'Tis not to be endured; speak my spruce Cits, Is not the sauce sour to your luscious Bits? You'll answer I, I'm sure, then take this Charm, Which can protect you from all future harm. THe Devil never showed himself in his colours till this present Age, hither to he hath been thought but 〈…〉 ●ebub●id est, a God of Flies, but now he manifests himself a true Apollion, id est, a potent destroyer; Piety was never more professed, nor never less practi●'d then in our time, we were never unhappy, till we assumed the surname Happy, never licentious till we laid claim to a thorough Reformation; so true is the old Adage, All covet all lose, it is now grown past the power of the Palp●t (though from thence the fire was first fling abroad) to do either good or harm in the matter, for he that has most power to be held the best man, is no new thing, nor need it seem strange, if the Discords of a Nation or City, used to be healed by Accommodations, be now decided by the Sword since Wars may lawfully be. Entered into, not so much for the Curse as the Pay, which is not to be wondered at, for Examples do not stop where they began, but though they get in at a little cranny, make themselves a wide breach to come out at, and when once the Rule is forsaken, we run amain down the hill●, nor need any man think that dishonest in himself, which hath been profitable to anoher. Amongst the many Absurdities and unparall'd Monstrafities (begot between Amsterdam and Geneva, Munster and Mecha, Edinburgh and LONDON, and the Devil and a Presbyter) which these late times have been burdened with, there is not one of those Chimaeras to be compared with a new Gorgonicall Geryon, a novel Sect (certainly the seed of those Saducees (of old) that believed no Resurrection neither Angels or Devils) started up) like Cadmus-Twinnes) on the sudden amongst us (armed at all points) to east-gate those crimes which themselves more dote upon then an old City Cuskold on his young Cockatrice, I mean the fine Fraternity called Trap-Panuiant, Trap-Pallians and Trap Tonians, names (all of them) very pertinent to the Natures and Qualifications of the Sport-Spoylers, these Mercinary-Murtherers of natural delights, and sworn enemies to the Recreation of the Chine, who (most abhorred Caitiffs) would not fear for a petty sum to pull Venus' smock over her ears, and to detect Jupiter and Io, Bacchus and his Erigone, Phoebus and his Daphne, or Pluto (with another man's wife) his Euricide in the act of procreation; and deliver them over to the secular Magistrate, in ordine ad spiritualia. Curse ylem thou king of hearts (fair Venus' son) Or thy best Orgies are for ever gone, These sons of sloth and Night, tha● interpose (Heaping up anguish, and incessant woes) On thy devoutest Votaries, who are The tallest Soldiers in thy peaceful War; The London Cit who knows no happiness Saves Father's Portion, and his Mistress Dress, Who kisses as when well set bones do crack, And knows no Phrase save this; What do you lack? Whose Gospell-Preist is some well-gifted Weaver, and pins his sonle on Burton, Dod and Cleaver, He, he, I say cannot (by stealth) carouse With, spainted female in some Brothel-house, Nor daily with her, on the much-used bed, But he's assaulted, scared, and captive led, As a rude Non conformist 'gainst the Act, Unless his bleeding Bags excuse the Fact; The dauntless Myrmidon, the man of Iron, Whom Walls of brass, and Ribs of steel environ, The Bristles of whose Chin resemble well A grove of Pikes (by whom five Popes have fell) Cannot create a time of safety, when He may exonerate like other men, But he's surprised, and is forced to pay The Muster-money, which but yesterday Furnished his fist; the Black-coat that doth writht His meager face debarred of Tenths and Tithe. Who now on his Thumbs ends may sing and whistle (Thanks to the Talmud, and the Scottish Thistle) He, he, I say whose Holy-water (spent In baneful wastes) hath borne down David, Tent. Dr●wning the glories of a potent Nation, Now fears to frisk it in the quondam fashion, Dreading a sw●rd or dagger at his throat (Since there's no privilege attends his Coat) To be led Captive by some pimping Beadle. 'Fore some Commander, who will soon un riddle His Metaphysic sense, and twist a Rope (maugre a dispensation from the Pope) Shall gag him to Eternity, no Aid From Scotus, or Aquinas, or the Maid Fair Hyldegard; no Schoolman can resist, But he must suffer as a Casuist. The fame-erazed Peer, who took such pain and toil IT Eclipse his Sovereign's glory, and beguile Himself into a happiness, unknown, which his brave Ancestors ne'er wished to own, And now is laid aside like some gay thing, Not fit for gaze, when there's no Court nor King, Who shortly shall be fashioned on the Forge, Maulgre his Azure Ribbon and his George; He too (alas) if he be ta'en upon her, Finds no protection from his forfeit honour, A Petty Justice of the Peace and Corum, Shall send his honour unto harum horum. The Knight who'll needs be merry once a quarter, Yea though he mortgage both his Sword and Garter, And tile not for, but with some City Lady, (Since dyldoes ne'er will make her spouse a daddy) He, he, who bath destroyed so many scarves, Killed such strange Monsters, passed so many wharfes, (Although so sore enchansed, when he's tan●, Struggles in Fetters like Levi●●han, And either must compound with those that sweak him, Or read the Act there, let a halter choke him. The cunning Lawyer, who Justinian traces, Cracking whole Kingdoms with his Pleas and Cases, Whose Conscience might create another Hell, (Where Ployden, Cook, and Littleton might dwell, Were they not in a Mansion of their own) Whose function sickness, and is almost grown fit for Pie Corner, to sing Pigs, or save Roast meat from burning; he I say (poor Knave) Dares not upon his dearest Malkin cease, Though he be furnished with a Writ of ease) But he's ejected by our brave Trap. Pannians, Cugeled and used like any scabbed Rascallian, Unless the thing he so much dotes upon, For which all hopes of his salvation he'd part with) glorious gold he can produce, " Gold that supports the Church, and makes the Stews, " Whiter than Nuneries, or place where " Religious Auchorites secluded are; Nor may the witty Poor find protection From this Pestiferous, this dire Infection, No though Apollo, and the three times three, Engage themselves as his security, Upon the sacred Bard their impious hands They'll lay, and scourge him with iron wands. But scabberded; nor will the Rogves retire, Though he strike Orpheus or Imphions' Lyre, If with his (treacherous) Goddess they surprise him, Not all his allegories can disguise him, His Tropes and Figures, will (alas) not aid him, Unless to h●r and these (that have betrayed him) He prostrate what h● very seldom wins, (Moneyed expiate his venereous sins.) Is it not a vast power these (seeming) sin-haters lay claim to, and (insooth) did they aim at their maker's glory, to suppress and erradicate those crying fin of Adultery and fornication, we should have cause to prise them no less than Patriarches, and to afford them as much veneration as the sick brained Vulgarre dedicated to Trinmvirate of sedition, that threefold cord of Schism, Prin, Burton and Bastwick, when they found Manumission in spite of the Bishop's Mandates, but we know that these fellows smell no more of virtue than a Poll-Cat of Musk, as if Mintz (were he alive) should impeach Martin of sensuality, or Rabelais accuse Aretine, and the Ovid of obscenity, fellows whose fortunes are as broken, as their fronts are brazen, their manner of entrapping take thus, from him who experimentally avows it. Three or (perhaps) six of these Trap Pannians, are given to know by their Mistress (in common) that such a Knight, such a Gentleman, such a Citizen affects her, and is solicitous to enjoy her, he (saith she) hath been very beneficial; As courteous a Cullee as ever Courtesan dandled, our least of Tavern Reckon is forty shillings or three pounds, Mention but a pair of Gloves, and a Gown and Kirtle attends me, or the loss of a Hand kercheife, and twenty els of Holland wait me. This Loach has store of coin; you know my meaning— I will (seemingly, for I hate the fellows Person more than hell) give my consent such a day and hour in such a place to meet the Beast with two backs, at which time you three shall be absconded, either under the bed in the closet or some other private place, and when the Hotspur gins the onfet, I will let fall either my Busk or the Bedstaff which may serve for your warning piece, then rush upon us (one of you as my husband) and surprise us, I shall not be angry to be called (what I profess myself) Whore, nor blame the hand that bangs me, since the compensation will prove ample enough, bang him Coxcombly Cit say they, it will be but Justice to drain her purse, or hang his person, all things concluded on, my Inamorate has his Mistress grant to meet, but first he solemnly sw●urs not to divulge her, for should her husband (a man of an anstere and fiery temper) but have the least ●ckling of their stolen embracements, they must both expect certain death either by his hands or the hangman's, feace not my sweet (answers he) we will so carry it that no detriment shall happen either to thee or me, and for this free favour thou shalt ever command me body and soul l the wished day (on all hands) now arrives, the lover folds his M●st●esse in his arms, sporting so long at the brink that now he is resolved to leap in, when (oh fatal) there appears his Lady's husband and two others with swords and pistols, who with death menacing brows threaten to dispatch them, she (good soul) on her knees with tears beg'st her husband's mercy but he (loading her with blows) seems as if nothing may appease him but blood, while her poor amazed Lover (esteeming this as a just judgement of God inflicted on him as an allay to his lust) like a perfect P●neteutlary implores his Lady's jealous Lord to spare him 〈◊〉 ●either spill his blood nor expose him to to shame, & in lieu of such love he will gratify him with a good sum of 〈◊〉, but the angry husband remains refractory, vowing to off 〈◊〉 both his wife and the adulterer on the altar of revenge the Law (quoth he) shall take place, and therefore (my trusty friend, whom I shall ever honour for this aid) let us convey this strumpet and her Lecher to the next ●ustice, upon this the surprised couple a fresh besetch, which mollifying the hearts of her husband's friends they earnestly request that he will not bring his wife to public shame, for (say they) consider, it will redound to your disputagement, and for the Gentleman we are confident of his sorrow fullness for his fault, and therefore let us prevail with you, accept of a sufficient sum, and let him return to his house, this (for their sakes) is at length granted, the Cit. (with many thanks for the favour) proposes his watch, with all the money in his pockets, giveth bond for so much more, and (praising God) departed to his home. Eheu quam tenui pendeut mortalia fil●. Thus and thus have hundreds (Gentlemen and Mechanics) about London been lately served, and (which is strange) so prevalent is the itching disease now grown that all the waming in the world (not though they have been informed by those who have have bought the expetience at a dear rate) can deter some from venturing upon this Precipice, but let us leave such fools to their just deserved destiny, and conclude with a Satire directed to those fallacious females, who draw men into such dangerous Praemunites. Pox take ye all, your qualities are much After your faces, and your faith is such As are your works. f●r what is there in you That is not counterfeit and painted too Do your lips open, before ye speak ye lie And if ye sigh, ye lie most damnably False lights your eyes are, and false weights your ears, Your hearts false measures, and false pearl your tears So talk or think or look or laugh, or cry, Seem or seem not, walk, stand, or sit ye lie, Nay; there's more yet your cozening of those Most, who in you do most trust repose Your loves most those who do least love you And choosing to die, rather than be true, Blush, blush, fond men and fair example take (By those have been Trap-pannianed) how you make An idol of a face, and take't for granted There's no such Devil as a Whore that's sainted She thinks her wit and beauty without Peer And o'er thy slavish soul doth dommineere Like some great Goddess counting thou wert b●●● (As a thing mortal) only for the scorn Curse on such Vassalage, henceforth express Even in your loves, Valour and Manliness. S.H. FINIS.