Mr. JOHN IRETONS ORATION AT The Choosing of the new LORD MAYOR.  
IF my fortunes & my desires had run equally along together, I should not now have stood here soliciting a Plaudite at my exit; For I had the Fortune to be Lord Mayor, & to have a Horse, and trappings for my Horse, and likewise for myself; truly I have worldly honours, for Saints may have their sailings as well as other men: Now you know I might have kept my preeminence a year longer, and for that I may thank the Parliament, but you Petitioned against me, for which I am much beholding to you. Verily Inever thought this City would have proved so unfaithful to me, I am sure I well remember when it was otherwise: when my brother Harry in the behalf of the Good old Cause was mangled into pieces by Gun-shot, that very little if any part at all were left of him, Oh how did you the Grave men of the City wait upon and walk after his empty Coffin! what fine verses were made upon him! how did the Heralds stretch their wits, and tenter their invention, to emblazon his Gentility? 'Twas even a hard work, verily a hard work, of much time and great labour: and do you imagine I can think of such things without much hugging of myself? it is pretty well known upon what foundation I first raised the fabric of my greatness, O 'tis a fine thing to have faith, I had faith and it failed me not, I trusted the Cavaliers men of quality, men of estates, when there wealth was a refining at Goldsmiths Half: they paid me, I got by it and ever since I hated them, 'tis agreat eyesore Gentlemen, nay 'tis a heart-breaking when any person can hit it in our teeth that they raised us; Oh those steps must be pulled down: by such worthy acts I thought to have endeared the City, and Consequently to have merited an everlasting Government, and truly I must confess it was (as a worthy Alderman lately said) my own seeking, and can you blame me for such a seeking? the great-men, the Governors the Parliament they approved of my seeking, but you were not pleased with it, you were offended, you cried out of your Privileges, that you should lose your Charter. Why Gentlemen is it not better you should lose your Charter then I the reward of any good service? If old things are to be laid aside, you might have as well laid aside your old Charter, as refuse me, for fear I should be an old Mayor. Truly Gentlemen ye need not court the Mayoralty so much, for there are no Protectors to Knight ye now as soon as ye are out of your time. I am sorry that a roll of Parchment should stick so in your stomaches, pray God you may be able to digest it, I am much afflicted to see you have so little manners in you, I am sure you have chosen a thousand Mayors and you might have given the Parliament leave to choose one. I was once a Mercer, and cheated the people with false lights, than I became Religious, and cheated them with false lights, afterwards I was a Publican, and consequently a public sinner, but as I am a sinner, did not think you would have used me so unkindly; what need you keep such a stir with your Charter, suppose you had never a Mayor, do you think your City would perish? Pray tell me where do you find that the City which Cain built in the Land of Nod had any Mayors? and yet for all that, I know it was Governed as well as London. Besides, I read not where in Scripture that there were any Mayors of Cities; indeed we hear of Kings of particular Towns, as of Sodom, and Gomorrha etc. I would I were King of London, I believe I should be as great a King as Kedorlaomer, for all his hard name: I have likewise heard of the Rulers of the City, but now I perceive a Mayor is no Ruler of your City, for if I could have ruled this City, you may be sure I would have had my will a little better than now I have. But hang't, let it go; take your Mayorality and your Charter; and wipe your tails with your Charter and your Mayorality. For when I consider what Metaphorical girds the Mayor is liable too, truly I cannot conceive it so great a dignity as you imagine, for some men call me Swinherd of the people, some call me Goatherd of the people, and some Shep-herd of the people; against the two latter, I knew not how to defend myself, considering your tameness and wantonness, but for the first, said I, Gentlemen, pray do not lay that aspersion upon me, for I never saw any Beast break under my charge but what had horns on. Well I cannot blame ye, for men are covetous of novelties: Nor can I blame myself, for having an ill opinion of ye, for you were always deserters of your friends, no longer pipe no longer dance with you; If the Parliament be interrupted, than Oliver his red Nose must be met by you with Hosannaes', all the glories you can invent are too little for his Highness' entertainment; he is no sooner dead but you creep to his Son, no sooner did he like a tame fool yield up his power, but ye whirled off to the Parliament; truly friends he deserves to be whipped, who pulls down his breeches for the lash, Oh that Prince that would be, had a soft place in his head, and did he think we would stand up for a fool? Nay verily we are other wise taught. The Good old Cause appeared, Oh the Good old Cause! who would but fight for the Good old Cause? On the sweet air of a Commonwealth! It makes me rejoice to breath in it; I played Rex, I domineered and played the Devil etc. God's sake; for to have played the Devil any otherwise had been Profane, Unsafe, and perhaps unprosperous. Yet give me leave to tell ye, I think I acted my part better than he, for he kept a noise and bustle in the World to no purpose; I did my business quietly, making no noise but only with my tongue and my horse heels; He only pulled up Trees, I rooted up Men, mine and your Enemies, Some have said, that the devil's an Ass; truly I believe it, For we hear how St. Dunstan pulled him by the nose; and we see how every Conjurer, with saying a head word or two, is able to send him on every pity full errand, though it be only to fetch a farthing-worth of mustard. Some have said that he is honester than we are: but would they could make it out, I'll assure you they are none of the Devils friends that say so; for then (a thing which perhaps they little dream on) whereas he thinks to punish us, we ought, and it must be out right to punish him. For what reason were it that he being more wicked than we are, should punish us that are not so wicked as himself? And now I think n●t, I have a just complaint against him in this worshipful Court. I have a house here Marihove, for 'tis mine as long as I keep my Office; Now this Rascally-devill hath had possession of it these many years; there he keeps open house, and ill hours, is tenant at will in his own sense, and yet denys to p●y a farthing of rent. 'tis true, possession is nine points of the Law, Yet give me leave to tell ye Gentlemen, right's right, the loss hath been my predecessors, is this year mine, and will be yours, I profess brother, if you do not take some speedy course with him.  
But they say the Devil can appear in sundry disguises to fright people; so can I too, Did not I transform myself into any shape? I was a Dipper, a Quaker, and what not, whereby I might fright the City to perfect my designs; how was I fayn to labour to settle the Militia therein, and what did I leave unattempted to confirm myself in the Government, whereby you would have been forever enslaved? but the Ass would not crouch, the Jade grew skittish, and I was forced to leave my seat: but thanks to my Great Masters I went not off unrewarded: 'tis something I'll assure you to be Commissioner of the Excise: to have a good Salary and always to be singing money is a fitting reward for a Saint, else why should my good friend Mr. Praise God Bare-bone be made Controller of the Treasury for sequestrations, with 300 l. per annum salary? Believe it, the Saints ought to enjoy the earth, although the wicked repine and murmur thereat. But my Stomach, which now sticks to me when all my friends are leaving me, tells me now there is much to be done, little more to be said: There are certain Pies and Custards, which expect my Mittimus to send them down into my belly; and therefore I must hasten home; yet before I go, give me leave to justify myself, as old Samuel did at his exit off the stage of his employment. What my original was I need not discover; yet were it never so mean, I have heard of as mean men that have been Lord Mayors of London. What think ye of Whittington, whose Cat was a greater stock to him then Duttons nineteen thousand and odd sheep, Truly there seems to be something more in a Cat than ordinary; for they are the emblem of Gravity and Formality, which two things: are very requisite for a Citizen that will thrive; They keep much at home; to show a shop keeper must never be out of his shop; They hunt after Mice thereby teaching a Citizen to hunt after money, and then they creep with eagerness on their prey, to show how eager a Citizen must be to finger money. O thou bleffed thing called money what have not I attmpted for thy sake if it lay within my power? money is that balm of Gilead that healeth the wounds of misfortune, and cures the aches of your mind; it maketh a man a Saint, it maketh him a Devil; it plumpeth up your wives, and enables them for the work of generation; Money is the cream offelicity; it is better than the Crumbs of Comfort, yea it is comfort itself. Therefore faith the wiseman, My Child get money in thy purse.  
Let me speak a little for my Justice; was not my Sword a terror to the Bakers? at the old Bailie I used to hang as many as I could for my life, and would have hanged more, if the Judge would have let me; Can I have had my will I would have hanged up all the Cavaliers, men that ride on horseback to the terror of the Saints. But will you say then all men that ride on horseback are Cavaliers? No god forbidden; for than you all should be Cavaliers; Besides, I can assure you some of them are say to go on foot; & indeed we have made them so poor, God be thanked, that they are not able to buy Horses: give them horses, and they'll ride upon our shoulders: but I hope I have taken an order with them this Summer.  
For my Charity I find it very cold, and therefore dare not let it come near my heart, by reason of its venomous and benumbing quality.  
For my Honesty I shall say little; most men know it better than myself. I shall say only this, that if I have cozened the State, I have done no more than what my Companions did, and what I can justify from the example and continual practice of the Church.  
As for my Religion I have I think as much as any other among ye; 'tis true I can change it upon any lawful occasion; for there is no reason a man should destroy himself, and it is a point of Religion to be obedient to Superior powers.  
If I have done any body wrong; as for some of them I care not a pin, as for others; if they will forgive me, so, if not, let them let it alone; for thanks to our Masters, my faults, and the faults of all such as I am, are blotted out; And one Act of oblivion is to us as if we had tasted of so much Lethe; and now I think on't, I wonder Lethe is not used instead of Coffee, Oh 'tis a precious drink; it makes us forget our Allegiance, our Religion, our Friends, we can think of nothing but what is for our present turn: but 'twas well for you that drink was not in fashion, for if it had, than had the Parliament forgotten all those promises in your late Petition mentioned: but all is well that ends well: but I have done, for since friends must part, better here than at the Gallows.  
FINIS.