The Infamous HISTORY OF Sir SIMON SYNOD, And his son Sir JOHN PRESBYTER.  
Describing The Acts of their Youth, autumn, and Old Age.  
With the nature and desperateness of the Disease, whereof they both lie now sick.  
With the Desires of Sir John Presbyter.  
Written with his own hand, and dedicated to his dear BRETHREN, likely to survive him.  
Printed in the year, 1647.   

The Infamous History of Sir Simon Synod, and his son John Presbyter.  
SIr Simon Synod was the son of Sir Laurence Lewd Church, and during his minority was fostered at Geneva, but after he came to maturity, Andrew Melvil and Peter Carmichael brought him into Scotland, where he begot a son, called, Presbytery; who after he grew tall of stature, like a traitorous subject, not onely denied to obey, but opposed even the 
K. Jamest  King himself; and knowing that the Kings ordinary apothegm was, No Bishop, no King, he therefore wisely incited the Seditious Commons to pull down the Bishops first, so to make him way to dis-inthrone the King: which business he effected, to the infinite trouble of the kingdom, and the unspeakable grief of the King, who now of a glorious Prince was made a poor va●●aile, and his walks that before were furnished with sweet Cedars, were now planted with stinking Elders, so that the said King was made a weary of his life, while expectants( a kind of Saplins thriving under the shade of an Elder, and no where else) beardless boyes, durst to revile him to his face( as the said King complaineth) but after in process of time it happened the said King was elected King of England also, then he left Sir John Presbyter, for a Knight he was, Pl●to had made him one of his own Knights of the Ferry, and dipped him in styx, to make him formidable to rule the roast with the ruling whuling Elders; his son King Charles coming to the crown, Sir Simon Synod, and his son jack Presbyter devised how they might get superiority in England, and for that end they began to consult with the reverend copper-nos'd Hypocrite the L. S. and he began to speak to those of his Faction, till in the end they agreed with pitiful Case, doughty Hambden, and he that bearing the Law and Gospel betwixt his two hands( as Moses once the two Tables of the Law) and like him hath broken them to pieces, whom of all the vessels of day wee cannot properly term a pitcher, and yet his harvest ears will hear more then is true against the Army, and his lying pen divu●g● that which ●ll Romances in the world cannot paral●el, and the credulous, easie-perswaded P●e●byteri●ns acc●●●t it 〈◇〉 part of their Creed; countenanced by these bold bean-stalkes, up comes Sir Simon Sy●on, and his son jack P●●sbyter to London, bearing an infallible spirit about them( no doubt as Ulysses once the winds) in a bag, and then hey for my good Lord Lowdens ●●●sper●●●e; then Sir Simon Synod in his chair of S●ate, devis●th by what means he may adv●nce his son ●resbyter ●ack in England, to transform our English Hats into B●ew Bonnets, and our british Cloakes-into Sco●tish Jackets; O brave jockey, and now O for the sacred Ordinance for tithes, which Sir E. A. will maintain to be Jure Divino, in regard himself loveth to tithe his Neighbours wives, beating them down by dozens as Edw. the 3. the French by scores. Now the fat Presbyterian Priests swear to eat Pigs both roasted and baked, but their Parishioners tell them they take a wrong Sow by the care, if they think their idleness and lechery shall be so daintily pampered; at which Sir Simon Synod being angry, called his son Jack Presbyter unto him, and willed him to pluck down all their Apple Trees, and to graft in the room of each of them the sacred three whereon holy Iudas hanged himself; but it greatly puzzled the holy crew, how and where they should find Susanna's, a competent number, to sit under the shade of these Elders, when Doctor Lamapha( he that got three Maids with child at once, and was therefore convicted and arraigned, entred into obligation, that he would furnish them with as many as they did then, or should afterward stand in need of; ha, ha, ha, when Pigs were tithing, Elders were ruling, Case and Cawdrey were whuling, and that Presbyterian Hercules hewing down all the godly, whom his vencrable Ignorant ship in his hodge-podg'd Gangrena terms heretics, Sectaries, and schismatics, in comes a Messenger, bringing Letters, on the Frontispiece whereof were written, THE DESIRES OF THE ARMY: Sir. Simon Synod, and his son Presbyter jack were smitten with great fear and dread at the viewing thereof, and on a sudden became very dangerously sick, and were carried home in a Sedan: Doctor Bastwick, that voluminous Heretrodox, immediately sent for, who casting their waters, found them too dangerously and desperately sick, and their Disease incur●ble, for that Sir Simon Synod lay already speechless, and that the Army had by their late desires so clasht together the C L. Asses, quasi the hundred & fif●ie— that they would never be able to walk the Round; had by their particular Charge pulled up the new-planted Elders by the roots, and for ever so maimed and disabled jack Presbyter, that he would never be able to arise from the Bed whereon he lay, until he were born from thence, and transported into Scotland, there to be butted in a Ditch. Sir John Presbyter then perceiving his hour of Death drew nigh( for as the army increased, his faculties were weakened) calling for Pen, ink, and Paper, wrote these his Desires, ●o be observed by his dear Brethren, the Presbyterian Priests and levy.  

Sir John PRESBYTER his Desires to his dear Brethren.  
dear Brethren, you know right well, how even till the day of my Death I invented all ways and means to advance you to fat and greasy benefice,( I speak first to you of the clergy, for with you I have been most intimate) how I have sought all ways to furnish your Houses with plundered Goods, your Studies with plundered books; have joined with my dear Father, Sir Simon Synod, in bespeaking for you all funeral Sermons, that you with the rest, when a rich fat Presbyterian Hog dyed, might have a Chine of him; that you might have Annuities out of the Bishops Lands, whereby with the rest of your supper abundant comings in, you might be enabled to put out yet vaster sums to Use, to maintain your Wives with their tails hemmed round with Silver and Gold Lace, to hang your rooms with Arras, and( with the rich Glutton) to be Clothed delicately, and fare deliciously every day. Thus have I done for you, my dear Brethren of the clergy: but for you, my dear Brethren of the levy, I have little to say, onely some matter of thanks for your nocturnal studies, and indefatigable cares, in seeking to enslave yourselves under a worse then Spanish Inquisition; and I entreat you out of pity, considering with myself the deplorable Condition wherein I shall leave you, that since you cannot attain your jure Divino, that you would still preserve yourselves jure human: And now to you all in general, I desire you when I am dead, to defend my Corps from being devoured of Dogs, and let me be butted decently, without music( I mean, the Ringing of Bells) while all my well-willers, standing round in a Ring about my Grave, to a very doleful Tune chant this elegy:  

ALack, Alack, and well-aday,  
Jack Presbyter is dead,  
And all our hopes with grief we say,  
are wrapped with him in led.   

He well could prate in Church or House,  
could raise dissensions many;  
Therefore his Corps in tears we sonse,  
for like him ne'er was any.   

He bound himself by solemn Oath,  
to ruinated his King,  
For to rebel he pled●●d his Troth  
most serious, Jack Pudding.   

He changed the prayer his ●aviour made,  
for new ones of his owns,  
Extempore and all things said,  
for which to Hell he's gone.   

Alack, Alack, and well aday,  
Jack Presbyter is dead,  
And all our hopes with grief we say,  
are wrapped with him in led.    
FINIS.