THE Presbyterian Lash. OR, NOCTROFF'S MAID WHIPPED. A Tragicomedy. AS It was lately Acted in the Great Room at the Pie Tavern at Algate. By Noctroffe the Priest, and several his Parishioners at the eating of a chine of Beef. The first Part. LONDON: Printed for the use of Mr. Noctroffs friends, and are to be sold at the Pie at Algate, 1661. To Master ZACH. NOCTROFFE. SIR, KNowing that it is your great ambition (for the carrying on of your designs) to be popular, as your many pamphlets against Divine Service and Episcopacy, do sufficiently demonstrate: and Sir, knowing that your own time is so extremely taken up in preparing and fitting yourself to cant forth sedition at St. Antholins', where I out of curiosity was lately to hear you, and believing that it is your intent to raise yourself as high as your late Patron Hugh Peter's; and rather than a week should pass, and somewhat of your name not appear in print, I have made bold to publish this piece, hoping, though it may have as little sense in it as some of your own, you will patronise it: and Sir, I'll assure you, that so soon as I can receive perfecter intelligence of your late transactions in your parish, and be better informed of your designs, I shall publish them to the world, that your fame may never die. Thus, Sir, hoping, though I present not one of these myself to you, yet you will protect this from this Censorious Age; I rest SIR, Yours to do you service K. F. The Names of the Actors. NOctroffe a Presbyterian Priest. Carp a Brewer Denwall a joiner Churchwardens and honest Cavaliers, Goose a Carpenter Lellie a Chandler two blind Independents, All Enemies to Noctroffe. Light a Tailor, Forger an Usurer two Presbyters, and Friends to Noctroffe. Joan, Noctroffs Maid, Gammer Trounce her Mother. THE Presbyterian Lash, A Tragicomedy. Scaena Prima. Enter Carp the Brewer, and Denwall the Joiner. Den. IF ever I heard the like, would I might be hanged. Carp. I protest it will be an eternal shame to our Parish, that such a fellow as this should be permitted to live amongst us, 'tis a fine age I'faith when such Belswaggers must be taking up Wenches Petticoats, We shall in time have neither our Wives nor Daughters live quietly by them, at least we shall hardly get them to Church, for fear of their Bumfiddles, if once they hear how Mr. Parson gins with wenches of eighteen. Den. Pox take him, he's cunninger at a Girl than we took him for— I warrant he thought that the tickling the Wenches buttocks with the Rod, would provoke her to Lechery, O they are a company of dry whoremasters, still Sows i'faith; or else it may be the poor Whore's breech was so cold that she could not bear it out stoutly against a bench or bed side, and therefore he was resolved to warm it. Carp. Come neighbour, you'll never leave off this waggish talk, but Prithee what do people report it was for? Den. Why truly brother, there are so many reports why and wherefore, that a man does not know what to make on't: Some say that coming home one night, after he had been exercising, or labouring, which you please, at St. Antholins', sweeting like a Bull, he calls for his little Satin Cap, to shift that on his head, (for though he debominates a what d'ye call it, three cornered Bishop's cap, yet he can as well be hanged as preach without one) but O misery, by the carefulness of his Maid Joan, the cap was fallen into the Embers in the chimney-corner, which had so heated it, that what with his afternoons exercise, and power of the Seacol ashes, his brains were so set on fire by next morning, that away into Kent-street he posts, buys me a bundle of birch, comes home, calls his maid Joan into his closet, takes up her coats, and to firking he goes by wholesale. Carp. Pox take her for an ignorant Whore, could not she cry out a Rape? O that I had been one of the Jury, if he had come to have been arraigned. Den. I, or I either, I would have taught him how to play at slats i'faith, or to take up linen upon trust, without paying for it. Carp. Paying fort? Nay faith they say the poor Wench was paid sound: she had little reason to say she was not paid, he flawed her sweetly; but come neighbour, we must be serious, such scandals as these must not be passed by without taking notice of, while we are Churchwardens; I'm sure we shall have Neighbour Goose the Carpenter, and Lelly the Chandler to join with us in petitioning for his rejection; and though they be Rogues of a worse sect than he, yet they'll do more towards it than we can, as times go. Den. I cannot endure the sight of those Independent Rascals, but it's no matter, if they will but serve our business, I'll try how I can bear looking upon them. Carp. Hang them, I care for them for no other end: but ' whist, here they come. Scaena Secunda. Enter Goose and Lelly. Carp. Good morrow neighbours, have you heard what a firker our Parson Noctroffe is grown? Goose. Yes truly neighbours, we have heard it, and are very much grieved that a man who professes himself a teacher of the Gospel is become a scandal to his profession, and the Church, contrary to the rule of the Apostle Paul in the— Den. Nay, Good neighbour Goose, no canting; We are very unsensible how it is not only contrary to Gospel, but good Manners to take up a Wenches Petticoats, Smock and all; but what shall we do to get him out? that he may not in time serve our wives so. Lell. Truly neighbours we shall be very free to join with you in so good a work, for I can prove by many Texts of Scripture, that scandalous teachers are to be rejected: as first,— Carp. Enter Light & listens. Nay good Neighbour we have no need now of your proofs, but let us lose no time, but advise what course we shall take. Lelly. Truly I can say no more to this, till we have heard the maid herself relate what, and how this was brought to pass: but my brother and I here have some other Articles to draw up against him, and then we will meet again, and speak with the chastized and afflicted Damsel. Carp. Agreed, we will meet you here about half an hour hence. Exeunt. Manet Light. Scaena Tertia. Light, Forger. Light. Ha! a fine discovery! A flat downright conspiracy against Honest Mr. Noctroffe to turn him out of his living; but who could expect better from such a crew as there was met together? a couple of as Arch-Profane-Episcopal-Antichristian-Cavaliers, as any are in England, & another of cunning-subtle-sly-devilish-hypocrytical, & Antichristian Independents too; match me two such couple in all the territories of the Whore of Babylon, and I'm mistaken. The first he sticks to Popish ceremonies, whether the Pope will or no, so he is sure of him; but the last is merely drawn in by a Jesuitical party: Well, let people talk what they will of one Antichrist, I do verily protest and believe, that there are two in this very Parish; here is such heaving, and setting one against another: Ephraim against Many-asses, and Many-asses against Ephraim, and both against our Judah, or rather our David, honest Mr. Noctroffe: Well, but I'll e'en go and provide him against their assault. O but here comes my Neighbour Forger the Usurer, we'll e'en go together. Enter Forger. For. Good morrow Neighbour Light. Light. Thank you kind Mr. Forger: Oh! I have made the bravest discovery to day; here's Carp the Brewer, and his fellow-Church-Warden, with Goose and Lelly, have been conspiring together to draw up Articles to turn out hodest Mr. Noctroff. For. Is't possible? Light. Possible! Why I protest I overheard them discourse of it; but if they turn him out of the Parish, they shall turn me too; and before they shall do that, I'll spend a brace of hundred pounds, or two brace if need be. For. And truly neighbour I think you will do very well in it. Light. Truly Neighbour I'll assure you I will not see that honest man wronged; I have bettered by his Teaching many years before he came into our Parish; and now he is in, he shall not go out in haste if I can help it. For. No truly Neighbour should he not. Light. Nor shall not Neighbour; I hope one day to be an Elder of his Congregation, for all this; Sure those in Power will have more wit then to turn him out of his Living for chastizing his Servant. But come neighbour, let us tell him what snares they have prepared against him, that he may avoid them. For. With all my heart. Exeunt. Scoena Quarta. Enter Noctroffe and Light. Noct. WHy truly Brother Light you do a Christianlike Work thus to inform me how, and where the Wicked have pitched their snare against me; but I trust the Lord will deliver me out of their pits; however I would win them rather by fair means to desist from their wicked courses, then let them persist therein to their own destruction. Good Brother let me persuade you to go to them, and desire to know the reasons of their distaste against me. Light. Sir, 'tis principally about your Maid. Not. Alas Brother! I hope you think that a man may lawfully chastise his Servants for their souls good; but pray tell them I shall be ready to satisfy them in that or any other point that troubles them. Light. I shall use my utmost endeavour to restrain them. Exit. Noct. Do good Brother. He's gone, 'tis well; and now I am alone I may with Freedom vent my thoughts. Have I Not many years since lived by Deceit, Making the Pulpit and the Word a Cloak To my Designs, whilst not the advance of that, But of myself, have been my chiefest aims? And shall I now be baffled by a crew, Half Cavalier, half Independent? Hold, They are but boys in cunning, and too young To drive me from so rich, so fair a Living, Unless't be to a better: Yet I must To circumvent them, now abuse the Faith Of this Fellow that adores me, And takes what ere I speak for Oracles— I have sent him now to talk with my Antagonists: Not that I think his words can ere restrain Them from their folly; but his Works may do it. For I have thus designed it: Carp I know Is choleric and fiery, and by railing Will heat Lights brains; so that without all doubt Some words will fall to take advantage by, Will make him leave off me, to follow Law: The tother's but a Bladder full of Wind, Can hurt but little, though thrown ne'er so hard. Thus are the Cavaliers disposed; next couple I must endeavour both to se● odds Betwixt themselves, and with the Cavaliers; For I gave Light instructions to that purpose. Then spite of Fate and them I'll keep my Living, Laughing when some of them may chance to weep, Who to their costs will pay for their attempting To thrust out me; so I'll deceive the world▪ Since without cheats no Wealth is to be had, But when they thrive, 'tis comfort to be bad. Exit. Scoena Quinta. Enter Carp, Denwall, Goose, Lilly. Carp. WElcome Neighbours, I'm even very glad to see you so well men according to your words: What Mr. Goose, have you brought any thing against Mr. Noctroffe, pray let's see. Goose. Never fear Sir, we shall have that to show against him, he will hardly claw off in haste; but will the Maid come hither, that we may hear more fully what she can say against him. Den. I, I, she will be bear presently; but pray when she comes, let me have the examination of her, I love such bawdy stories with all my heart. Car. It will better become Mr. Lelly, as the most elderly man. Den. Faith you say right; and I have often heard too, that the brothers and sisters when they are alone, are very expert in bawdy discourses. But see, she and her Mother Gamar Trounce are come; Well say what you will, I will shoot my bolt now and then, though it be but a foolish one, yet out it must. Enter Gam. Trounce & Joan. Lelly. You're very welcome good Woman; is this your Daughter, she that was so unseemly chastisied by profane Noctroffe. Gam. Trounce. I do not know what you mean by seemly nor chastised neither; but this is my Daughter that Mr. Noctroffe like a base sneaking man as he was, took and whipped as though she had been a Dog; Ah, and I had been by, I'd have clawed out his eyes, that I would, like an uncivil fellow as he was, to go to take up my Girls Petticoats, and at that age too, when she was as able to bear Children as his Mother— Lelly. Peace good Woman, and let your Daughter answer for herself. Maid, For what Causes or Reasons did he use thee so. Joan. Truly sir he said very little to that purpose your Worship speaks of, but told me he must chastise me for the good of my soul. Den. Alas poor man— And the fit was come on him now, now now, And the fit was come on him now— Lelly. Hold good Neighbour; but pray Maid, where was it that he performed this unseemly act in the sight of God and Man. Joan. Oh no Sir, he was too close to do it so publicly. Indeed Sir he called me into his private Closet, and there by main force used me so seemly as your Worship says. Car. But did he attempt no farther? Had he not some design to have ravished thee, and when he could not compass that, did the other in revenge? Joan. Truly your Worship speaks very likely, for while he was struggling to get up my Coats, he would often thrust up his hand— I am ashamed to tell you where. Car. And wert thou such a fool as not to cry out a Rape. Joan. O Lord, he said he would whip me to death if I did but cry out, or squeak— Den. A perfect intended Rape I dare protest. Goose. Truly Neighbour I am of your mind clearly; for first, Why should he call a Virgin of that age and parts into a privy-house? Joan. No sir, no, it was not in the House of Office, and'● had, I could have got away from him, for there's never a Lock, nor never a Key to that door, but his Closet-door has a great Lock to it; besides therts a Bench stands so conveniently.— Den. Alas poor Wench, all things conspired against thy Buttocks that day; but prithee did he whip thee with a rod, or clap thee with his hand. Joan. Sir, he had a great Birchen Rod as big as a broom almost; and yet he gave me two or three claps with his hand; but if he had done no more, I would ne'er have spoke on't, that I would not; I'll warrant I had learned to play at clap— from a child. Den. A Pox take him for a Letcherons' thief, I warrant thou hast a good pair of Buttocks, and he could as well as be hanged as see, and not be a feeling too; but did he see no farther than thy backside. Joan. O yes, I tumbled and rolled over and over, quite the length of the form, but durst not cry out any other then, O good Master, for goodness sake— Gam. Trounce. Alas poor Girl; no, I'll dare say't, I warrant thou hadst not been whipped a great while before; I dare say Gentlemen, that I have not whipped her myself this ten years, and then poor thing, she would cry out the prettilest would do your heart good to hear her; but if I thought Mr. Denwall, as you say, that he pretended to ravish her, I'd trounce him I'll warrant you, for all he is the Parson of our parish— Den. How do you know but he might have done it? Gam. Trounce. By my Fackins-law, and I don't know neither, What say you Joan? Did he—? Speak Wench, if he did, ne'er be afraid to tell it— Den. Speak Wench; if he did, thou art not the first that such a Belswagger has ravished. Joan. No truly Sir, I don't know, I can't tell; yet sometimes when he put his hand between my Thighs to keep me on upon the Form, he tickled me so, that I think I was almost ravished with it. Car. A fine piece of Bawdry to be acted by a Parson, think ye Gentlemen. But who comes here? Enter Light. Oh! his Friend Light. Well, good Woman and your Daughter, you may go, but I hope you won't fail to assist us in a Course at Law with him. Gam. Trounce. No I warrant you Sir, he shan't whip my Daughter for nothing. Exit. Gam. Troùnce & Joan. Scoena Sexta. Light, Carp, Denwall, Lelly and Goose. Light. WEll, truly Neighbours I am very sorry to see you so busy about a thing of nothing, to go and endeavour to turn out an honest, pious, religious, and pains taking man out of your Parish; but he whose Cause it is, will not let you prosper: Car. thou'rt a pretty fellow to make this a good Cause, or call him an honest or pious man that casts such scandals upon us and the whole Parish; I grant you he may be a pains taking man; for it seems he took extraordinary pains with his Maid. Lelly. Truly it was a very filthy, base, I will not say bawdy action; (for I would not have such a profane word in mouth): And truly I think not to be permitted or tolerated in a Parish besides, there are many other things too, we have against him, that it's a very shame— Light. Why good neighbour we know how much you are his enemy, but for all your scandals and inventions and pretences, he will be found an honest good man in the end. Car. An honest man yes a very honest man, a devil rather or worse than a devil; a mere wolf clad like a little like a sheep, though a man may easily discern him through his gown? one that thinks it sanctity to damn all but his own followers, whom under a show and pretence of Preciseness he seduces, Oh a sermon of an hour and a half long, with a mouth drawn aside and one eye winked withal (as if he would spy among his Parishioners which is most like to be cheated) is a fine Cloak to cover a disembler and to cozen the world in— Light. Your a base scandelous fellow thus to abuse a Person of his Coat learning and honesty, Deu. His coat! what do ye mean neighbour his maids Petticoats he has not put them on since he took them up, has he? Light. I your e'en of the same Gang a couple of base Profane cheating rogues and villains as you are. Car. bear witness Neighbour. Light I witness what you will I say again and again you are a profane Cheating rogue and I'll prove you so now carp and catch at what you will or can Carp. I believe I shall have some Catchpoles for you friend, ere it be long: What satisfaction can you give me for the defaming my Credit, as you have done? But what do I talk to you of satisfaction? You have just such a Conscience as your Ring leader Noctroffe; and his is as hard as his Pulpit. Light. I, I, go on and talk what you will, you shall find either him or me hard enough for you, and both he and his Pulpit shall stand in spite of your teeth— Den. Well said Wasp; but now you talk of his Pulpits standing, we'll make him make that he has pulled down, stand again, or we'll make him hold up his hand at the Bar for stealing from the Parish; They are not such fools yet as to let the Pulpit be taken away where they may one day see an honest man stand again. Light. Talk on, talk on; Come neighbour's Goose and Lelly, you are not so profane as these two, Churchwardens do you call them, they are not fit to bear any office either in Church or State; they have a trick to bring in the Popish Bishops, with their Tippets and Surplices, and other Fopperies, and now they would turn out honest Mr. Noctroffe to bring in a Popish Prelatical Parson, as profane as themselves. Lelly. Indeed Neighbour, if we thought they had any such intention, we would have nothing to do with them, for we would do all for the best, and we have hopes to bring in one that is an honest godly man indeed. Car. Come, come Neighbour, take no heed to what he says now; he sees he cannot prevail with us to persist from seeking Justice by his Railing and Brawling, he fiddles I know not what into your ears to make you fall off from us, but I hope you'll have more wit. Lelly. I, but indeed Neighbour if you intent any such thing as he says, we cannot in conscience stick to you to turn out a bad to take in a worse. Den. Come come lets first turn him out and then we'll think of discommodating the business as well as we can afterwards. Goose I, I, neighbour Lelly they speak but reason, we shall not fall out, let him but be out first. Lelly Go, go you are fool, but I'll not be fooled by none of them I want assist in the turning him out except we may be assured that Mr. Simp may come in. Light. I'm glad to see this however that though my purse is like to pay for my tongue; yet they are so fallen out amongst themselves that they will very heardly do Mr. Noctroffe any hurt I'll go and acquaint him. Exit Car. Well all that I can say to it then, is that if you wonot do it, we'll do it ourselves; come Neighbour Denwall come. Exeunt several ways. Scaena Septima. Enter Noctroffe solus. ALthough I am so well acquainted with The humours of my present enemies, That I can't doubt that all has prospered just As I determined yet I long to Leave it But sure I am unless my Proselyte, Light Or my Light proselyte which you please to term him Has lost his common temper, he and Carp As passionate a fool almost as t'other Are Deeply fallen out nor do I fear but something Has happened in discourse to make a breach Of the grand union which conspired against me My parish is divided to my wish We all know it is a certain rule Though blemished for the devil's invention Divide and reign the truth on't 'tis I care not Much Whose the inventions was but if it suit With my designs as now it does make use oft For howe'er it seem abroad to bear A tender conscience, and to be precise In what I do to blind the eyes of people 'tis but a cloak to varnish over my Policy And do gain credit and esteem i'th' world Of being pious, holy; thus I have By seeming Sanctity gained the greatest part Of my parishioners, who are so dull-sighted, They cannot see these tricks serve but my end: Now it must be my care for to maintain A fence 'twixt t'other Factions and them, And then 'twixt t'other two, betwixt themselves. The Independents most I fear, for they Are many of them cunning too, and know How to dissemble with the world; but though Their Parson Simp be subtle, and a great Huge Mastive fellow, able to contain Thrice as much cunning as he has; he'll find A little David will be strong enough To cope a great Goliath: T'other party Has little danger in them, as the world Goes now; for they'll be sure to find An opposition both from him and me. Enter Light. But here comes Light: Neighbour, what news? Light. I have been Sir with your Enemies, and there Mr. Carp that profane Fellow uttered so many scandals against you, that I could not refrain my tongue: But I am afraid I have spoke somewhat will cost my purse. Noct. O brother, you should learn to bridle your passions. Light. Indeed Sir I could not, they were so high, and had got there your Maid and her Mother in Examination, and did so rail at you, that it was impossible for flesh and blood to hold: So I expect an action every minute. Noct. I am sorry for't, that you should suffer for your love to me— but who are these? Enter a Sergeant & Yeoman. Light. 'tis as I told you Sir, they're Sergeants. Serj. Mr: Light, I have an action against you. Light. At whose suit Sir? Serj. At Mr. Carp. Noct. What is it Sir? Serj. An Action Sir, I told you. Noct. But for how much, or for what? Serj. An Action of Defamation in a thousand pounds. Noct. Well Gentlemen, if you'll take my word, I'll engage he shall put in Bail to your action within this two hours. Serj. I am content, so he pay my fees. Gives him money. Light. Here they be. Exit Serjeant and Yeoman Serj. Farewell Sir, thank you. Light. I told you so sir, that this cross fellow would be upon my back ere he slept. Noct. Well, it can't be helped; do you make haste and put in bail, that I forfeit not my word; there's friends enough will be ready to do you service upon my desire; Forger will be sure to be one. Light. I doubt not but he will sir; farewell. Exit. Noct. Adieu— How are my plots now prosperous beyond hope Or thought! but I must now contrive a way, That they may end as they have well begun; I have it: Blessed brains! it shall be thus. Now I have set these two at enmity; The way to make me friends with Carp, will be To make him friends with Light; and so will both Be friends to me, and the designs against me— Vanish like smoke; and their devices set To turn me from my living, make me more Secure and firm in it, then ere before. But slay, did not Light say that they had got My Maid and her old doting Mother Trounce Under examination? there may come At least disgrace, if not worse ill by that: I must prevent them here, lest they should take Her Oath before a Justice, else'tis vain: The old man owes me money; him I'll threat To send to Prison, if they do not force Their Daughter to deny whate'er she has said: This, with some present money added, does't. But will my Conscience then permit me give A bribe against the truth? it must not be. Tush! Conscience! there's a fair and a rich Living That lies in competition; com't must be ne'er more dispute it; I'll send for the Maid To come here to me with her Mother; and I know how easily to work upon them. What wonder will it seem, I pray, if I That can dissemble so, teach others lie. Exit. Scoena Octava. Enter Carp and Denwall in a Tavern. Carp. I'll teach the Rogue another time how to use his tongue— a Schismatical, Puritanical Whelp, to tell me to my face that I was a cheating Rogue and he'd prove me so! I'll prove what strength his purse has now, before I leave him; he has put in bail to my Action. Here Drawer, some Wine. Enttr Drawer. Draw. You shall have the best sir. Den. Who are his bail, can you tell. Carp. Why, his crop-cared brother Forger is one, that old usuring Cur, that has the Conscience to take ten in the hundred, and a gift besides for the loan of his money; a fellow that's as slow and dull of his tongue, as the other is quick. Den. I, I know him well enough; but a pox, nothing vexes me, but that those two nonsensical Papples should fall off so, when we had almost brought our business to an end: Oh I would fain have had the little David been served as he served his Maid. Car. How? Den. Why whipped a little, whipped sound about the pig-market or at a horse's tail; O that I had had the jerking of him I'd have clawed his Buttocks for him; and then I would have had him branded with a W. in his forehead that all the world might take Notice of the Whiper Car. Enter drawer with wine Faith Neighbour I have often heard of the Presbyterian Lash, but never knew the meaning of it till now, come Neighbour to you. Drinks Den. To you again Drinks Lash do you call it; had the poor Wench found out another swash to couple with her she might have deserved the lash; but the poor wench— Carp. Come Neighbour now we are merry lets hear that Song, thou singest well I'm sure, and for a bawdy Song there's none i'th' City like thee. Den. Why then have at it; but first let's drink, as the Thresher said to his man. Drinks. SONG. ALl Christians and Lay-Elders too for shame amend your lives, I'll tell you of a Dogtrick now, which much concerns your wives. An Elders Maid near Temple-Bar, (ah what a Quean was she!) Did take an ugly Mastive Cur where Christians use to be. Help House of Commons, House of Peers, oh now or never help! Th' Assembly having sat four years have now brought forth a whelp. 2 One Evening late she stepped aside, pretending to fetch Eggs, And there she made herself a Bride to one that had four legs. Her Master heard a rumblement, and wandered she did tarry, Not dreaming (without his consent) his Dog would ever marry. Hole House of Commons, & c 3: He went to peep, but was afraid, and hastily did run To fetch a staff to help his Maid, not knowing what was dove; He took his Ruling-Elders Cane, and cried out help, help here! For Swash our Mastive, and poor Jane are now Fight Dog, fight Bear. Oh house of Commons, etc. 4. But when he came, he was full sorry, for he perceived their strife, That according to the Directory, they two were Dog and Wife: Ah (than said he) thou cruel quean, why hast thou me beguiled I wondered Swash was grown so lean poor Dog he's almost spoiled. Oh house of Commons, etc. 5. I thought thou hadst not carnal sense but what's in other Dasses', And could have quenched by cupiscence according to the Classes; But all the Parish see it plain, since thou art in this pickle, Thou art an Independent quean, and lov'st a Conventicle. Oh house of Commons, etc. 6. Alas now each Malignant Rogue will all the world persuade, Tha she that's Spouse unto a Dog, may be an Elders Maid; They'll jeer us if abroad we stir, Good Master Elder stay, Sir, of what Class is is your Cur? and than what can we say? Oh house of Commons, etc. 7. They'll many graceless Ballads sing of a Presbyterian, That a Lay Elder is a thing made up half-Dog halfman: Out, out, (said he & smote her down) was mankind grown so scant? There's scarce another Dog in town had took the Covenant, Oh house of Commons, etc. 8 Then Swalh began to look full grim, and ●ane did thus reply, Sir, you thought nought too good for him, you said your Dog so high: 'tis true, he took me in the lurch, and leapt into my arm, But (as I hope to come to Church) I did your Dog no harm. Oh house of Commons, &c: 9 Then she was brought to Newgate-Gaol, and there was naked stripped, They whipped her till the Cord did fail, as dog use to be whipped Poor City Maids shed many a tear when she was lashed and banged, And had she been a Cavalier, surely she had been hanged. Oh House of Commons, etc. 10. Hers was but Fornication sound, for which she felt the lash, But his was Buggery presumed, therefore they hauged Swash. What will become of Bishops then, or Independency, For now we find both Dogs and Men, stand for Presbytery. Oh House of Commons, etc. 11. She might have took a Sowgelder, with Synod men good store, Enter she would have a Lay-Elder with two legs, and two more. Go tell the Assembly of Divines, tell Adoniram Blew, Tell Burgess, Marshal, Case & Vines, tell Now-and-Anon too. Oh House of Commons, etc. 12 Some said she was a Scotish Girl, or else (at least) a witch, But she was born in Colchester, was ever such a Bitch! Take heed all Christian Virgins now, the Dog-star now prevails; Ladies beware your Monkeys too, for Monkeys have long tails. Oh House of Commons etc. 13. Eless King and Queen, & send us peace, as we had seven years since, For we remember no Dog-days Girls, while we enjoyed our Prince Bless sweet Prince Char. 2 Dukes, 3. Earls, O save his Majesty! Grant that his Commons, Lords and may lead suchlives as Herald Oh house of Commons, etc. Carp. Excellently well performed i'faith; O how I love to hear these Precise, Puritanical rogues jeered, but faith all this, while we ne'er think of drawing in our brace of independants again. Den. Hang them, 'tis but Colloguing again and making them believe that when he's out there logger headed Simpleton shall come in, and they'll be as ready to join with as— I doubt know what Cap. Let us then go about it, or at least go you to Goose, he seems the most yielding, whilst I go fee my attour neigh to declare next court day against my peevish pricklouse adversary Light. Exeunt Scena Nona. Gammer Trounce Solus— VEry well, very well, now he has abused my Daughter and turned up her Petticoats and paid her buttocks for her, I must be sent for to make her hold her tongue, by my fackens law I had as full a dissolution to have made him have smoked for't as ever I had since my livelong day. Nay an't had not been for the fear of my poor Gaffers going into jail, I should ha' made him remember how he meddles with wenches Bums as long as he had a day to live, but he hears that I and my Daughter had been in Cora nobus, with Mr. Churchwarden his worship; and some other grave tradesmen of the parish, and whip says he and immediately sends for me and my daughter, but by my nickins my poor Girl was afraid to go, and I can't forewarn her for it; she had so lately been Clapperd-clawd by him, that and I were as She, i'd ne'er come there more, by these ten bones, and that's a great oath, he had so flawged her, that for two days she was hardly able to sit on her britch, I was fain to send to my neighbour Gammer Spindle's to borrow her down pillar for to sit her upon, but by my truth law he should never have dissuaded me, to put it up, if he had not given me this money too, shows a bag of money my Gaffer should even have gone to prison though I had worked day and night upon my bare knees for him, rather than my girl should have been so used; but I must go home and destruct her as Mr. Parson says what she must say if they should come again, but 'twill be a hard case if she should be Put to her Oath— to have her forswear herself; but if he does Mr. Parson— has promised he'll give her— I doubt know, what d'ye call it— Him— 'tis a very hard word— him— oh! consolation, consolation— I hope he means more money by it. Enter Carp Carp. Gamar Trounce Gammer Trounce she offers to go out— Gam. Trounce. Whose that calls? oh Offers to go out again Carp: Why Gammer Trounce come hither I say Gammer. Tro. Well now must I deny all— Oh Mr: Carp how do you do? truly I heard some body call, but I could not tell where it was— Carp. Well what do you intent to do about your daughter's business— when shall we take her oath before a justice Gammer Tro. Her oath, pray Mr. Churchwarden for what? Carp For what why about Mr Nocttroffs whipping her Gammer Tro. Indeed Sir. I do not know what you mean by my faith law, nor I believe my daughter neither Carp. Why was not thou before me and my brother and some others Churchwardens obout it this morning. Gammer. Tro. I dont know indeed Sir. I can tell nothing of it— far you well to your worship— Exit Carp I think in my soul the Woman's mad; what a devil ails she? o here has been fine Juggling, I find it now— Serje. Your servant Mr. Carp— Enter Serjeant and Yeo. Carp. O how dost do friend? thou didst Mr Lights business to day. Serje. I Sir, and now I have an Action against you. Carp. An action against me at whose suit. Serje. At Mr. Noctroffe the Parson's suit, Sir. Carp. Ha! sayest thou so; well? here thy fees I'll put thee in bail before night. Serje. I Sir I dare trust you, farewell Sir Carp. Godbye So now we shall have fine work indeed, the truth on't is I spoke as much against the Parson, as Light did against me well it's no matter: I see scores will be quit one time or other, well I must be content, I'll go put in my bail— but these are such envious fellows that I could in my heart wish all things were undone again. Exit— Scena Decima. Enter Noctroffe, Solus. HA', ha', ha', ha', ha',— how could I split my lungs with laughing now To see how things strive to content me! Fortune I could adore thee for a Goddess— With all my heart; I could turn heathen now is't were but for an hour to Worship thee, What fools are these that say thou favourest fools It is the bold Audacious fortune helps; Or in plain text a knave, That's such as I— Some fool perhaps now might have been amazed, Befoted, stupied, to hear of such plots; Contrivances against him would have frighted His soul to nothing, and have made him yield Himself to th' mercy of his Enemies But I was never such an ass, my heatr Rich in Deciets; hung round about with cunning Was made to fool but never to be fooled. How neatly have I gulled my adversaries carps now arrested at my Suit for slander And had been so before, had I before but heard what words he spoke; now I that thought To have sent to him to reconcile all griefs, Will make him come to me— and make him pay too; Yet when that's done, to make the world believe I'm still a pure and undefiled Saint, I'll out of seeming charity return Part of the money, that I gain by law, Unto his wife, so I gain her; and 'tis A general Rule, when once the wife is got, That ten to one the Husband follows too. O blessed Genius! how dost thou induce me To undo them who late strove to undo me! Exit. Scoena undecima. Enter a Lawyer's Clerk with Papers. Here in a short Epitome, Epitome do I call it! rather a Volume of the Quarrels, Dissensions, Distractions, Confusions, betwixt a Parish-priest and his Parishioners; what fool, or ass, or idiot, or nonsensical Coxcomb must he needs be, that cannot plainly perceive, discern and see, that the Shepherd has set his Flock together by the ears. Imprimis, here is one Light, a lightheaded fellow without doubt, set on by the Parson, is sued for abusing one of his parishioners, named Carp; and yet the Carping Coxcomb must needs call the Parson, Jesuitical Priest; so he is sued by him, whilst the Priest laughs in his sleeve at both, and my Master laughs at all; for whoever is a loser, he is sure to be a gainer. Well, 'tis a fine story; yet methinks the Jury were but nonsensical fools, for they have fined Mr. Light too light a sum in my mind, when poor Carp is forced to pay one hundred pound for speaking the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth; for my young Reason can easily guests, That there's nothing that savours more of Jesuitical tenants, then to set men together by the ears; but I think the Devil reigns in this age; these black-coats without their Gowns or Tippets, look so like imps, that I know not what to make of them otherwise— but I think my Master calls me— Well, I must even go draw up a Judgement against honest Carp, for being a plain, downright dealing fellow: 'tis a sad age methinks my masters; but how to help it, faith, is beyond my skll to tell you. Exit. Scoena Quodecima. Enter Carp and Denwall. Carp. WAs ever man so abused, Neighbour, as I am? I protest I care not so much for the Money, but that the Law should be so retorted as it is nowadays; That Light for defaming me, and utterly taking away my credit in the World, should be fined but twenty pound, and that they should set me at one hundred pound only for calling that base, seditious, scandalous fellow as he is— Well 'tis a hard case— Den. 'tis so indeed Neighbour, but we can't tell how to help it: Now a man had as good be hanged as meddle with these black Cloaks, they have such tricks and such quiliets, such strange Quonundrums to cheat a man of his money, as it passes— Carp. A pox of their Quillets and their Quonund rum s I'm sure I'm like to pay for't; but what shall I do now? canst advise me to be even with him. Den. Why faith, if you have a mind to be even with him, you must even pay him the money that is adjudged him, and have a care how you meddle with him any more, till times mend; and than if you can whip and trounce him sound, you'll do very good service. Carp. But what way shall I take to send him his money: Den. Why e'en send it him, and make no more word on't; that is, send him fourscore pounds, and consign over the twenty pounds that is adjudged you from Light; that is, send him fourscore pound ready told, and put it to account for searching too far into the whipping of a Wench. Carp. A pox of him and his Wench, would he'd clawed her buttocks to the bone, so I had never meddled with her: I'm sure I must pay sweetly for the cure of her breech: Yet nothing more vexes me, then that the damned Whore her Mother should afterwards deny whatever both she and her daughter said to us: O there went some of the money that I must now pay efaith. Den. But was the Devil so impudent as to deny it? Car. Was she! she told me flat and plain as I met her just coming out of the Parsons— that neither she nor her Daughter knew any thing of it? Den. O impudent Jade? Car. Well, but come Neighbour, 'tis in vain now to dispute; I must e'en now think of sending the dogged Rogue his money; but what wouldst say if the scoundrel should turn pretty honest, and send it back again. Den. What would I say! why I would e'en have it registered for a Miracle, and him canonised for the only Saint that ever was, or I believe ever will be of his Faction; but I think you need never fear that such a good act will proceed from one of that crooked and perverse Generation. Car. Nay, faith I'm of thy mind; but if he does not send back some, I'll e'en swear he's as very a Devil as he would be a Saint should he send back all. But come, I'll entreat thee to carry him his money which lies ready in the Bag dormant, before an Execution be served, which is the next thing I must expect. Den. You may be sure of it; therefore make what haste you can with it. Car. I'm ready, though it be but with an ill will, God knows; come let's go. Exeunt. Scoena decima tertia. Enter Goose and Lelly. Goose. TRuly Neighbour here has been strange do, fine going to Law, and quarrelling among ourselves; I thought what it would come too, when we first began to fall out with the Churchwardens; I thought I say, then, that we should do nothing against Noctroff, but for him. Lelly. Indeed brother Goose, if I had thought things would have been carried as they have been, I would never have stood out; but since 'tis so, we must even be content, and seemingly give our hands to the Reconciliation till another opportunity serve: Enter Carp & Denwall. But here comes the two Churchwardens. Neighbours, what news? Carp. Why I suppose you know the News; now Noctroff, has broke our heads, he'll give us plasters; now he has set us all together by the ears, he'll make us friends again; but the best for him is, 'twill be at my cost; and I'll assure you Gentlemen, I think I have some reason to bid you welcome to this feast, for my money will pay for it. Goose. Truly Neighbour I'm sorry it should be so; but it is your own fault. Carp. My fault! A pox take you and your fellow-schismatick there; 'twas your faults marry was it; and if— Den. Nay Brother, now we are come to be friends, let us even be friends; there has been cavilling enough already— methinks we need no more. Carp. I, but when they go about to justify— Den. You will be talking till there come some mischief on't; come prithee be mild, and direct your passions, else what a condition will you be in to make friends! Enter Noctroff, Light, Forger. Noct. Good morrow neighbours all: How fares it with you neighbour Carp? come let you and I shake hands, and forget all former passages between us; come neighbour Light, be you friends too All shake hands Gentlemen. They shake hands interchangeaably. Why so; is it not better for Parishioners like Brethren to live in Christian charity, then To be in continual debate and strife one amongst another? Carp. Whose fault was't? Noct. Nay neighbour, that ripping up of old sores, will make us still have a spleen one against another; let's forget all that's past, and be as good friends as ever we were. Den. That's rank Enemies I dare be sworn; for Carp and I were always so to thee. Aside. Carp. Well Sir, I will be so, and now thank you for the twenty pounds you returned my Wife. Noct. Never mention it; but neighbour Forger, you stand in a corner as if you were at enmity with every body still. Forge. Who, I! no indeed Sir, I never fell out with any of them, and therefore I cannot be indemnity to them. Noct. Well neighbours, it rejoices my heart to see thi● our reconciliation. I have provided a Chine of Beef, or so, here at the Pie at Aldgate, that now we are friends, we may eat together like friends, and I hope we shall continue friends. Pray neighbours walk in, and I'll wait upon you instantly. Exeunt all but Noctroff. Noct. And was not here a pretty crew of Coxcombs? Dull sottish fellows, that scarce yet perceive That my sole wit has brought these things about, And contrived every minute's circumstance. How do I glory in myself, and shrug, To think how close, how cunning my deceits are? How under the pure vail of Sanctity, I cousin men, yet they believe me holy. But what are these designs? pish, weak and small, Fooling these fellows does but firm me here, And not at all advance me; he that once Has raised himself up in the world from nothing, To appear something, if he does stay there, Is but a blockish Coxcomb; my ambition Soars higher yet; and one deceit that thrives Prompts me to work another; nor shall any, Though ne'er so wicked, scape me, so it may But either fill my purse, or raise me up In popular esteem; for that's the thing: Such whose lay-plots to mount as high as I, Must chief aim, and in this I have So well improved my time, that I may hope, If things succeed, to prove an English Pope. Exit. FINIS. An EPILOGUE. WE'll follow not the common course, to say, Courteous Spectarors, how d'ye like this Play? we'll beg no Plaudites, nor desire you To clap your hands: Then what d'ye think we'll do? we'll tell ye news, Our Play is spoiled, we fear, For our prime Subjects is In the Tower. confined; howe'er, In hopes he soon may visit Holborn air, And as in his Devices, have a share In false Peter Hugh's Punishment; we have thus much said, To tell ye how he deserves t'advance Donne's Trade. FINIS.