THE Lady's Champion Confounding the Author of the Wand'ring whore, By Eugenius Theodidactus, Powder-Monkey, Roguy-Crucian, Pimpmaster-general, Universal Mountebank, Mathematician, Lawyer, Fortune-teller, Secretary to Naturals, and Scribbler of that imfamous Piece of Nonsense, Advice to a Daughter, AGAINST ADVICE TO A SON.  
Approved of by 

Megg. Spenser  
Damrose Page  
Priss. Fotheringham  
Su. Leming  
Betty Laurence  
Mother Cunney    
Printed in the Year 1660.   

THE LADY'S CHAMPION.  
OH! for a leg, an arm, or a limb of that Devil incarnate, the woman-hater, and Enemy to multiplication, the Author of the Wandering whore. Come Sirrah, look to your hits, I have a whole bundle of rods in piss for thee, quod desertur non aufertur, thy punishment's only deferred for a while, thou shalt have thy swing, and thou know'st what follows after; for I know thou'lt run thyself out of breath shortly: All thy Pumping, Inventions, Romances, Stories of the Strummulo, the Merkin, Sponges of several sorts, Scotch-spur, Padlocks, with the List of Crafty bawds, Common whores, Wanderers, Pimps and Trappanners, shall not prevent it; Thou didst first begin with private whores, Cuckolds, and Cuckold-makers under the notion and name of Mercurius Philalethes, but that Element was too hot to hold, come this will be out of the frying pan into the fire; thou know'st Mrs. B— in C— would have given ten pounds for thy discovery and apprehension, Mrs. S— will spend fifty pounds to vindicate her cause, & make thee exemplary, and yet thou dar'st enter the List against a thousand; beware their Clutches, lest they souse thee in Thetis' powdering tub to make meat for Sharks and Shaddocks, or fright thee like poor Lazari●…o, by shaving thee, tossing thee in a blanket naked, and turning the out of thy seven senses, whilst they cry hay for the brave women-barbers in Drury-lane, they'll spoil thy occupation for inveighing against theirs, off goes thy stones as sure as a gun or a club to make Billjard balls on, and thy yard their Billjard-stick to play at their Portals, then say thy Paternoster, speak with all thy friends, for they're resolved (if they catch thee once) to see whether there be any worms in thy brains; and if so, to wash them out, and put thy brains in again, and if that wont serve thy turn, half an hour's exercise of their preparation will be worse than the pox or purgatory; Come Bits and Bacon, thou know'st how Thom. E.— was used for thy sake in Holborn, kicked up and down like a football, and forced to fly for fear of leaving of his brans behind him, or amongst them: was not Dick L— arrested (and forced to pawn his shirt and his cloak to pay his fees) by Merrick? And was not another arrested by Farmer the Poulterer in Newgate-market upon supposition of being the Author of the Wand'ring whore? 'tis true his innocency cleared him to the damage of Su. Lemings pitiful Poulterer, who feasted him and his friends carcases by way of Composition with a Capon, Teals, Goose, Wine, etc. to the value of forty shillings, and upwards, making him pay for his mistake and ignorance: Thou Desperado, if Glover, Player, or Thom-Stern light on thee handsomely, say well fair a light pair of heels, they'll try whether thou art a kin to an Irish man or no, and teach thee hay then up go we, up tails all, the Pitchers gone toth' wall. But hear● you sirrah, is whore a common name to all women, which is so common with thee? thou sayest foul Devil, thou hast a List of fifteen hundred Caterpillars and poisonous vermin which want destroying, beware lest a lesser number don't devour thee, or burn thee in some Capacious C— or other, or quarter thee in pieces amongst them, sending thy bones and flesh amongst the Crew, in order to the burning thereof, with as much Ceremony as Peter Aretine for inventing the six and thirty several ways and postures of occupying, or for being an Heretic; But Sirrah would not a whore be a necessary evil (as is usually said of all women kind) if thou hadst not the gift of continence? prithee what cause or provision is most necessary, most lawful, least offensive, and least charges? aught we not amongst all evils to choose the least? When then, sirrah, is not using a handsome Girl wholesome, pleasurable, and tolerable? For since the number of females do far exceed that of males, doubtless they would have a little of that same as well as the rest of their fellow Creatures, who are all flesh and blood, and questionless were not brought into the world with such instruments for no purpose or profit: so that I conceive (in behalf of Ladies and Madams in our order) it less criminal for a man to go and lie with a wench (I will not say with another man's wife) then to lie with his wife when she is big with Child, or during her lying in Childbed, in this Case what course or remedy shall a man take and use, who has not this Gift of Continence, and may neither lie with his own wife, nor his neighbour's wife, nor his maid, his nurse, nor with a whore? questionless there is a lawful provision made in this Case of Extremity, which I judge, conceive and conclude to be in Polygamy, that is, in having plurality, several, or many wives at one and the same time together, as the best Expedient for generation and Continency, and strictest way to have few or no whores at all, as it is at this day amongst the Turks, where one man may have as many wives as he pleases, so he can maintain them and their children, or if they do maintain their husbands. Put the Case an heir of a vast and yearly revenue, to whose issue this Estate is entailed, should marry, or be compelled for lucre of money to bed with a person he loves not, or one that proves barren, this weathly person is desirous of Children to whom he would leave his Estate, or else he loses it, leaving to it strangers which never got it, would not this man's marriage to a fruitful wife be matter of much rejoicing to him, and to every honest and chaste wife, if it were their condition, to see the fruits of their labours? a Precedent whereof I remember to be verified of an East-India Merchant (of somewhat a different quality) who was exceeding desirous to have his wife got with child, a thing he could not perform himself,) giving her free leave so to do during his absence, provided it were done with a Gentleman; not long after a Knight's son coming to her house, brought a bill of Exchange for a considerable sum of moneys, which accordingly was accepted, and the day of payment appointed; the pleasant Gentlewomen made very much of him, and agreed that the same day he received his money, he should lie with her all night till the morrow; which was accordingly done, she got with child of a boy, and in ten months following born, and put forth to nurse at Bednal Green, (where wanted no Expenses or attendance) without suspicion or jealousy of the father, in regard of the sudden dispatch thereof after her husband departure, not long after her husband arrived at home safely, who seeing no appearance of his last scuffle with his wife, lamented the want of issue, chyding her for not making use of that freedom he had allowed her during his absence, which caused her to admire his humour, and relate her forepassed action, saying there was a brave boy begot by a brave fellow, a Knight's son, and put out to nurse in such a place, and of such an age; the news whereof made him impatient of seeing him, which he did the day following early; where after plentiful gifts to the nurse, hugging, kissing and embracing of the child, he told her he came to fetch away the child, to which she said, it could not be dispensed with, without the knowledge of the person who delivered him to her, and paid for his keeping, on which he went away discontented to the Knight's son, telling him he would spend 300 l. but he would have him; the other answered he would spend 500 l. but he would keep him, so that incontinently a Suit was commenced, at vast charges on both sides, ere the verdict came to be given up, which was likely to go against the Merchant; of whom one Noy the Prothonotory said, demanding his fee, he would turn the scales, which accordingly fallen out, and speaking to the Judge and the Bench, desired the favour to speak one or two words more to the matter, which in regard of the variety of plead, and multiplicity of Lawyers there present, was thought superfluous, and needless, yet granted by the Judge, to whom he spoke, My Lord, put the case that your Honour and I have each of us a piece of ground adjoining to each other, and nothing but a fence or a ditch betwixt them, you keep a bull in one part, and I keep Cows on the other, your bull break in amongst my Cows, and gets them with Calves, does not these calves belong to the owner of the Cows? whereupon the verdict was given on the Merchant's side: who brought him up to the University, and dying left his whole Estate to him, the Knight's son continued unmarried to his dying day, (having known her but that once) left his whole Estate likewise to him: here's a rich Precedent for all barren women, all women big with Child, and all old women to follow, instead of being jealous of their husbands, 'tis an excellent way to creace love instead of hatred amongst them, if they had but a right understanding of each other, to let their husbands with free consent take another wife by whom he may have children; for what were it for the Elder to be nurse to the younger wife, to have the favour and smiles of her husband, especially where there is disparity of years, of dissimilitude in conditions; I question whether the sowing such precious seed in a barren soil is answerable, fitting, or different from sowing it amongst whores, and if so, the marriage of another prevents it, proving fruitful, and the perusal of Ochinu● Dialogues of Polygamy and Divorce, will convince any rational soul of the truth hereof, published and printed for I— G— once living in Cornhill. And now have at the new fashioned Dialogues written sometimes by a Convert, sometimes by a Conversant, and another time by Eubulus, and next time by I cannot tell whom or what, and yet all one and the same hand again: I tell thee these poor Creatures termed whores will serve to supply a man's wants better than marrying a wench, having nothing to show for't but two pair of legs in one pair of sheets, with a windmill and watermil, from whence comes no grist vendible: again, a wife a man cannot put off as one may a whore with eighteen pence or a couple of boards without any disturbance or greater prejudice, if he scape pockyfying: again, if a man in such a Case meddle with a maid, he must be forced either to marry her or maintain her and her child, which is not so with a whore, who seldom receives any wages after her work is over, but before hand, and that so frequently that they seldom prove with Child, as Peg Cross the short A— Wanderer is, as thou termst her, thou pretendest to be their professed enemy both in Principles and Practices, whence comes such frigidity, and coldness, art thou not one of the Decayed Occupiers thou talk'st of● 'tis likely so, or else hast lost thy Evidence, or been served as they do Eunuches in other Countries, where their stones are cut out, who would otherwise prove the stoutest stallions, as an approved and experienced Doctor observed of one amongst them who would lie tickling and towzing of his Mistress with his standing T— for three or four hours, nay all night sometimes together, without tiring, but with no Ejection, it being impossible: but I believe thou wouldst have them go to't with Carrots and Parsnips, as the milkmaids did with one another till they let them slip over head and ears, for want of tying a string about them irrecoverably, and the spoiling of a good commodity, or moul for casting boys and girls in: what would have become of that late and young lady, in such a case, of whom I shall relate a pleasing story, from whom sprung several curious branches, whose father was, and is a person of great wealth and riches, yet covetous, and willing to rid his hands of her, at as easy a rate as he could to another of a vast Estate likewise, but could not bring his designs to perfection upon him, for upon the tender of a thousand pounds, he would not seem to accept her without the addition of five hundred more, whereupon without the privity of his Father, Mother, or any other, but himself, his Mistress, and the Steward, this plot was contrived and executed, which was to marry her, get her with child, come now and then to her in privacy, leaving her with her Parents, till the jest broke forth, which in few months' following did so, whose mother descrying the rising of her belly, questioned her daughter about the premises, to whom she answered, that such a person, not guilty thereof, had done it; which exceedingly troubled her, which caused her to reveal it to her husband, who resented it with much more horror, for the dishonour would fall upon him, and his whole family: in this trial his wits were put to't, concealing it from all others, till his steward who was deep in the plot, gave him an inkling thereof, of whom he asked council, who answered him, there was no way under heaven but to marry her to her former suitor, which he well liked of, and accordingly he and his steward road to visit him, where they were exceeding welcome, insomuch that the old man invites him by way of retribution and retaliation to his house, which he forthwith accepted: riding together the matter was started, and renewed betwixt him and his daughter, which the old man gladly received, telling him he should have the 1500 l. but he would have writings drawn betwixt each other, before the sight of his daughter; which being completed, the daughter was sent for, who appeared big-bellyed, whereat with a counterfeit amazedness, he said, How now Peg; what have you done? and to the father, I'll have none of your daughter, to which the old man replied, taking him by the sleeve, Son, son, a bargain's a bargain: I tell you Sir, quoth the Gentleman, except you double the portion for the dishonour done me, I will not have your daughter. Come, come Sir, I tell ye a bargain's a bargain, to avoid all trouble you shall have your portion doubled, which was accordingly performed ere the plot was discovered. Now face about to the right, I'll charge thee again and again, for I have but been skirmishing and bickering all this while, have at thee, with thunder and lightning, I'll come Pellmell upon thee: Is thy name Eubulus with a horsepox to thee, thou thinkest to put the cramp in my mouth with a hard word, I warrant thee, but I'll anatomize thy meaning, 'tis a good Councillor by the figure Ironia e contrario, let thee alone in thy roguery, and thou'lt teach us all the plain way to occupying: for all thy pretended sanctity, doubtless thou art a young saint, but an old devil from experience, and the Devil is seemingly the best Doctor: Will thy council gain the Elysian fields, satisfy Charon the ferryman of Hell, or lead the safe way to Bliss? I have taught thee in my method to Rosycrucian Physic, borrowed of that learned and ingenious Writer Mr. Ashmole: no, there's no such thing in nature, I would have said, rerum natura, but for frighting my Ladies, and puzzling thy empty pate, thou thinkest all thy pack-thread intelligence must all pass for verities, but I that am Eugenius Theodidactus of my own creating, and Secretary to Naturals, say, Cujus contrarium verum est, construe me that if thou canst Enbulus; for I'll have thee to know, I understand Hebrew, Arabic and Syriack as much as the Grand Sultan does Welsh and English Well, but thy name and thy nature are not all one, sirrah, I'd have thee to know I am a learned Asinus, ex quovis ligno von fit mercurius; the Devils in thee for understanding, if thou know'st that too: for I believe thou wert never at the Uni Afity of Milan, where I acted the part of Ignoramus instead of Commencing, yet I'll give my de●●nition according to my degrees of Eubulus; Eubulus when I acted Acolastes the prodigal, was my good Councillor against wenching; Eubulus, was my right-hand-Councellor against High-way-men, Pickpockets, and Parasites. Eubulus was always against shaking of Elbows, Tables, Cards, and Gamings, and other cheating (as that of Sir— Moreland, of 40 pieces of gold in a dream,) and making the world believe my brains lay in a Long-lane Plush-jacket, a Green-bag, a reverend-staff, and telling of fortunes, or railing at honest Fumigosus my old enemy, for not flattering me in my ignorance. Eubulus was my friend after I had eaten the husks of beans and pease amongst the hogs, but I never saw any calf but myself: but this is a damnable Excursion, if I should weary the patience of my Ladies of pleasure, to whom I commend the reading of my Advice to a Daughter stolen out of Feltham's Resolves, Modern Policies, Overburyes Characters, etc. taking the other bout with Eubulus, and then farewell: I'd have thee to know I scorn to take such a puppies' council, for I have found more profit by pinching and cheating, than thou shalt ever do by writing or speaking go teach thy dogs to dance: but I shall not leave thee so neither, was't not an impudent part of thee, to discover who were Cuckolds and who were Cuckold-makers, of both sexes: thou bawdy Author, and abusive Rascal, is it convenient to speak truth at all times, no not to Quaery it? Whether Old Actaeon was ever cooped up like a Guinny Big? whether Actaeon's picture were more proper than a Black Boy? whether the seven Stars in L.— might not more properly be the seven deadly sins? Whether the sign of the Devil were not more suitable for the Angel in W— whether ever a Ba●●er in London looked like Massienello of Naples? Whether Smacket upon a wench's bum-trinket is not a term of art for every Barber's mouth? and Have you any wood to cleave, a profitable sentence on Horsledown? Whether Su Leming? A— does not make buttons with the strings of her fiddle, ever since the discovery of Ben. R— his drawing a tabby gown out of his Codpiece? Whether old father Fiery-facias will ever be cured of his red nose, till he leaves looking under the Lines of Communication? Whether old Rats will ever leave loving of Cheese? Whether that which is bred in the bone, will ever out of the flesh? Whether a Flaunders Mare or a beautiful wench naked is the better bedfellow? Whether plain-horns or gilt-horns are most fashionable? Whether the Butcher's brindle does not want Hukins his Quidlibets? Whether London will ever be without Cuckolds and Cuckoldmakers? Whether the French man's riding on the nose, does not spoil a good occupation? Whether it be most lawful to lie with a man's maid, his nurse, or his own wife, in Gander-mouth? Whether any man can cure the Cut of his finger by thrusting it up a C— as I— did? Whether lying with a feeble husband, or a stoutistallion, cures a woman's melancholy? Whether Midwives get most by mens or women's tails? Whether the taking a touch before hand, is not a sure way to try each others abilities? Whether the Earl of Manchesters' Colours, or those of Cripplegate, are most commendable? Whether any man ever looked through a womb perspective-instrument? Whether any man can be a Cuckold in his own conceit, so soon as another? And whether any man would give his Consent, though he were hanged for't? Whether Hosiers, Button-makers, and Tooth-drawer's, are not more apt to be Cuckolds-all-a row than others? Whether Irommongers may not play are Tick-tack in a bawdy-house, as well as others? Whether two Cocks to one Hen are not odds? Whether handling the Souldjers' odds, or slitting of beans in Cheapside-market is most profitable? Whether it be lawful for a man to pinch, kick and beat his wife without a cause? And last of all Whelp and Bacon, Whether Heydon the Universal Mountebank, did study Arts and Sciences in Jacobs-well- College in White chapel during his cornuting? why thou Villain, didst thou do't, or let another to work? I'll erect a figure for't, and find thee out; the sign is in Aries or Taurus, I'm sure on't by the itching of the nape of my neck, which makes me scratch where it does not itch, yet I'll turn and return to my Ladies, craving leave so subscribe myself their  
Unvanquished Champion Eugenius Theodidactus, cum multis aliis.  
FINIS.