A LETTER Sent to George Whither, Poetica licentia Esquire, by a plain dealing friend of his to prevent his future Pseudography. Printed By Benevol. Typographus, sometimes Printer to the said Master Wither. Published For the better information of such who by his perpetual scribbling have been screwed into an opinion of his worth, and good affection to the public. And are to be sold By the Criers of new, new, new, and true news in all the streets of London. 1646.  
Old acquaintance.  
FOR so give me leave to term you, having not been till of late, much estranged from you since you lived in the Bishopric of Durham, when she lived there also which now is your wife, but then wife to a poor man in London, who by report perished for want of bread.  
Having perused divers of your scandalous Pamphlets, and Satirical times which I find most ridiculous, vaingloriously applauding your own valour, good affection, and merit, and injuriously aspersing divers noble Gentlemen of known integrity and fidelity, nay abusing many famous and trusty worthy Members of this ever to be honoured Parliament, I thought fit to present you with these lines, (if possible) to prevent your future Scribbling, and being stigmatised, at least with the name of lying and Scandalising, Bard.  
It hath been a maxim that whosoever chanted his own praises was was a fool, though deserved, what then must he be that exalteth himself so much (as you do) without any merit? As for the unparaleld valour heroic Acts, and martial achievements, you seem to challenge to yourself, (in your book entitled Campo Musa) all men that know you conceive your brains are infatuated with hopes of being thereby made Governor of some Castle in the air, or else you would have declared so much at Barmodus, or some place, where every man that knew you did not know the contrary, but if you are so bewitched as to conceive you have valour, or have done any thing in Arms worthy of a Laurel Crown, I shall endeavour to liberate you from those char●●es by declaring truly how you were admitted unto Arms and how you used them during your short continuance in them.  
You cannot but remember that when these unhappy distractions did first commence, the King had diserted the Parliament, and the sword began to be unsheathed, that you having no land of your own, lived a poor Tenant to certain Lands at Wanborough in Surrey, when in my opinion your Russet coat did better suit your condition and quality than the Scarlet, Plush, and Velvet, you are now by the fortune of the Wars leapt into.  
At that time there being a Troop of Horse raised in that County for the service of the Parliament, the truly worthy Gentlemen entrusted by the Parlia with that county (whom I may truly call the preservers & deliverers of their country) for had it not 〈◊〉 for their perilous undertake, and most indefatigable endeavours, that County had been made long ere this the Subject of the Enemy's fury, and utterly ruined by plunder, fire and sword, as to their eternal honour, all the honest inhabitants will acknowledge.  
These Worthies I say esteeming by an outward appearance to have a good affection to the Cause they so faithfully prosecuted, did (contrary to the motion of many well affected, honest and Religious men who had more nearly scrutinized your actions, and made discovery of yourself ends) confer the command of that Troop upon you.  
Being thus mounted in Authority, the first martial employment you were put upon, was to march into Kent, to secure the Malignants there from attempting any thing in prejudice of the State, which service (to your eternal fame be it spoken) you performed with such alacrity, that in short time you secured most of their good Horses, by seizing them into your custody, and appropriating them unto yourself, so that your Farm at Wanborough was now well stocked with brave horses, your Lady like Mistress had a gallant white Palfrey to mount herself on and a stately gelding for her man in a Livery to attend her, now the world began to mend with you in sight.  
Your second Martial employment was to keep Farnham Castle that the Enemy should not possess themselves thereof, where immediately you grew such a Graduate in military affairs, that in your Pamphlet entitled Se defendendo, you accuse those worthy Patriots before mentioned, that they neglected to supply you with necessaries for the making of Baricadoes, Palisadoes, and other defences, but give me leave to digress a little & tell you a story of a sick man that sent for a Physician, who coming to him, the sick man asked him what his disease was, the Physician answered that it was Flatus Hypocondriacus that tormented him, afterwards some of the sick man's friends coming to visit him, asked him what was the cause of his malady, the sick man not knowing his disease told them he was very sick of a hard word; so you had borrowed some hard words as Palisadoes and the rest, out of some history of War, for at that time I am certain, you neither knew what they were nor the use of them, nay such a novice were you in Arms that you scarce knew how to spanne a Pistol, or being spanned to fire him.  
It was not long after when the King marching towards London, with His Army, you with your Troop were 〈◊〉 Supreme Authority commanded to Kingston upon Thames, and from thence the King's Forces advancing as fare as Brainford, you were ordered to march by London to join with my Lord General's Forces at Turnham green, but hic dolour now were you to come near an Enemy. Oh what a hard matter it was to get you out of London, but being come thither what ●n agony were you in, some of your Soldiers supposed you were in the cold fit of a Fever, others feared you were troubled with the passion of the heart: but the Enemy retreating to the other side of the Thames, did something mitigate your passion, and restore you to your almost lost senses.  
The next news I heard of your Troop, was when Prince Rupert beat up their quarters at Crowell near Chinnar and did some hurt thereto, although the Soldiers made a reasonable good escape; yet the General Officers, demanding where the Captain was, and why he was not more careful in keeping Scouts abroad, his Soldiers were enforced to answer that they had not seen their Captain a long time, for indeed you had at that time secured your person for many months, sometimes in Surrey, and sometimes at the Queen's Arms at Holborn bridge.  
The next and last of your warlike employments was to march with my Lord General to the relief of Gloucester in which march were many remarkable passages; first to see how like a magnanimous and undaunted Ach●lles you marched every day in the head of your Troop, until you approached something near the Enemy's quarters, but ah! then the old Tremor cordis, the old panic fear began to seize you, than every object that your d●m sight could reach was a Cavalier, then would you often put your forefinger to your thumb, and looking through perspective wife, could you discern a tree at any distance, you apprehended it to be one of the Enemy's Scouts, or if you discovered many bushes together, you fancied them to be a Body of Horse, and would not advance one foot, till having sent out divers Scouts for discovery, they upon return gave you assurance that they were not enemies than would you again begin to march, and your Soldiers to laugh, and scoff at your cowardice. The King's forces rising from Gloucester and the place sufficiently relieved, both Armies endeavouring to gain advantage to give the other battle, you being thus daily alarmed with terror, and ambuscadoed wit frights, to prevent your own engagement, tamely delivered up your Commission, yet durst not go from the protection of the Army till you came nearer home; but by the way a skirmish happening at Aburn Chase, you posled to a kinswomans' house of yours not fare off, where by report you crept into a hogges-stye, and (the skirmish ended) to prevent future frights, hastily conveyed yourself to your Farm at Wanborough, where two days after, you heard the great Guns play, which was at the fight at Newbury, and (supposing it to be what indeed it was) told your wise that God had exceedingly blessed you, that you were not there, for had you been, you should have been killed in regard your eyesight was so bad you should not have known a friend from a so, nor have been able to make an escape: and this is the summary of your Martial Acts, and which I hope will be able to dispossess you of that lying spirit which causeth you to persuade the world that you have valour: as for the drawing and brandishing your sword (you so often boast of) for the preservation of the common liberties, and defence of the Parliaments I conceive it a great happiness to the State that you never drew it (in earnest) for had you so done, perchance the Sun beams might have reflected upon the fair gloss thereof, (having not been much worn in the rain to make it rusty) and caused such glances into your eyes being something purblind, that you would have supposed it to have been lightning, and immediately written a book thereof, and declared that the heavens did fight against you.  
As for your good affection you so often reiterate, it hath not appeared by your warlike deportment, as the premises may truly satisfy you, nor by your free contribution on the Propositions, for that was very small, and that only to creep into the good opinion of those in Authroity, thereby to gain some place of benefit, as indeed you obtained, but perchance you may object, that your good affection may appear by the adverse parties plundering of you: this your losses you know to be your great gain, although you are ashamed to acknowledge it, which may seem a Paradox to others, who as yet cannot unfold the riddle, but I can make it plainly appear, for your losses (although you abused the Hnourable House of Commons by making them believe that they amounted unto 2000 l.) did not extend to the value of 300 l. although you should inventory horse-collars and hog-yokes, for you had sold most of your , bullocks, hogs, and sheep, and received money for them, and lost very little Corn, not above three or four load, and that in the straw, as appears by the testimony of divers of your honest neighbours given in by them to the Honourable Committee for the County of Surrey sitting at Kingston, and for this your small loss, (considering the great you pretended) you gained from the (by you deceived) Parliament for reparation many great Sequestrations in Surrey, viz. of the goods and estate of Judge Foster; Master Denham then high Sheriff, Captain Andrew's, Captain Hudson, Captain Brodnix: and many others, which amounted to a very great sum, it is therefore evident, your gain far exceeded your loss, besides you would have much added to your gain, at a place near Egham in Surrey (I conceive by the new fashioned trick called plunder (for I never heard of any authority you had for it) had you not been prevented by one Master Ayling, who with eight or ten Musquetiers seized yourself, and some of your Troop, and supposing you had by Legerdemain conveyed something into your Boots, or sleeves of your velvet Jacket, enforced yourself to pull off both, and your Troopers would not assist you, seeing your pusilanimity in subjecting yourself to such base terms.  
In what else your good affection hath been expressed, is unknown to me, and I believe to all men, only you might be conceived to be for the Parliament (did you not daily abuse the Members thereof, because not againstit, if there be not a neutrality in you.  
As for your abuses, injuries and Scandals, I will be as brief as I may, and yet I shall be troublesome unto you, Your injuries to particular and personated men, and especially to Sir Rechard Oinslow, who upon strict examination was found to be Justiciarius, ex merito justificatus, you Stultus, ex debito condemnatus, have been already in part censured by the highest Court of Justice, although your subornation, & conspiracy be not as yet punished, and if your baseness be not therein made apparent to you, and your Judgement rectified, I fear I shall in vain endeavour it.  
Your aspersions laid upon the Committee of examinations, (taxing them with injustice, and that they heard not causes with an equal ear) your own cause might clear, and enforce you (had you but common reason) to acknowledge your error and give yourself the lie, for there was not one Article, that you were accused for in your scandalous Pamphlet intiruled Justiciarius justificatus, but you were asked what you could say thereto, and what witness you had thereof, and the answer you could make to all and every question was, that you had no witness, but that it seemed so to you to be: ought not this do you think to be by them voted injurious, that had no other circumstantial evidence or proof than your shallow, and malicious surmise, and the contrary of every scandal made apparent? Concerning the insufferable aspersions by you laid upon divers Members of both Houses of Parliament, by terming them rotten Members, Rebels, Traitors, Hypocrites, Knaves, Liars, Swearers, Drunkards, Whoremasters, with much other very opprobrious language vomited forth in your Book entitled Opobalsomum Anglicanum, pressed out of a shrub, but it may be more truly called Venenum Diabolicum, extracted from a malevolent brain, And therein express, that divers Members were chosen by indirect means, as by employing friends, crouching to equals, scraping acquaintance with strangers, feasting the Cobbler and Smith, all which yourself did (only conceive you had scarce a friend to employ) to gain you an election at Guildford in Surrey you neglected not Letters in Print, wonderfully declaring your own abilities, and disparaging others you feasted Tailors, Tapsters, and Ostlers, and upon the day of Election, earnestly solicited George the Ostler, of the red Lion there to put on his best clothes to go to the Guild-hall of the town, to give his voice for you, whomaking a scruple thereof you despaired of your election, took your horse & mmediatly road out of town, as it was time to do for the Burghers of that Corporation being very well affected to the public good, and dependent upon reason, had unanimously resolved (nemine contradicente) and accordingly did elect a worthy Patriot of their country to be their Burgess, but your hope is that no man being personated therein, you shall escape unpunished, but I hope, as every Member ought to be immaculate, so to be jealous of their integrity and to wipe off that dirt you have thrown in their faces, will enforce you to declare, whom you intended thereby, that the guilty (if any) may be found out, (or if none) that you who seemingly dip your finger in the dish with them, yet would traitorously foment a division, may be brought to condign punishment, and made exemplary to all knaves for the future.  
The premises taken into serious consideration, and your excellent service well weighed, the Parliament cannot but in justice reassume your Petition for arrears, and order the same to be immediately paid, and grant your late Petition for a place of 500 l. per annum.  
But the contemplation of your deserts had almost made me forget a friendly advice, which is that you would no more compau yourself to an English mastiff, f●r a mastiff hath his ears cropped, a collar about his throat, his tail bobbed, and is chained up, especially in the day time, it may be, let lose in the night for the preservation of his Master's goods, and in stead thereof worrieth some harmless, and innocent passenger, and so is hanged: I know I have been tedious & troublesome to you, yet much more might be spoken in the blazoning yourself and actions in their true and proper colours, but, Ne me Crispini scrinia Lippicompilasse, putet. I shall conclude with a wish that my Letter may find its desired effect, that you henceforth surcease from vilifying honest men, and deifying yourself, which will be no small joy to  
Your plain dealing friend Alethegraphus.  
FINIS.