LILIES APE WHIPPED  
By Philastrogus.  
Printed for W.I. C.I. G.W.   

LILIES APE WHIPPED.  
SIR,  
THE occasion of my writing unto you proceeds from the perusal of your Nonsencicall Almanac, or Ephemeris, as you and others may style it, by reason it is a perfect Diary of your folly; Wherein for a Frontispiece you present us with your Brazen face. The very Effigies speaks you of a Saturnine or Malicious disposition; surely you had some feral sign Horoscopating at birth, which makes you so brutish as not to know what belongs to humane civility, otherwise you would have spared your reviling breath (wherewith you think to blast the Clergy) to have cooled your pottage. However, I commend you, that will let the world understand by your Picture what you are, though but Emblematically; which lest it should be set off with a shadow (and so you not seem really what you are) my Pencil doth thus delineate it.  
First here's a Sattin-Cap, that's to keep in your simplicity, which might not have been taken notice of, had you but so much wit as to have kept your fools Speculum for your own private Contemplation. Next (Saturn like) we have many dangling snakes with their heads reverse, verifying the truth of the old Proverb, Bush naturally more hair then wit. N●xt, there's face like that of Titus-Vespasian, a squeezing deglabing Countenance, such a one as Prognosticates the squirt to be incident unto the purses of such Patients as come to know of you whether they shall live or die. We have next the Mole-Skin exactly tipifying your discerning faculty for matter of Astrology to be more blind than the Mole; but in stead of this Plush Jacket I think a Whip, and a jack of Apes his coat were fit for you: the one would make you more heedful to correct your errors, the other would become you fare better, since (at least) you are but Mr. Lilies Ape, whom you would, but cannot imitate: The Globe is next, representing a Vertigo in your brain, that being possessed with the giddiness of self conceit hath sent your wit a Woolgathering, since which contrary to the Maxim in Philosophy, there may be a vacuity found in your Pericranium. And this is no wonder to me at all, since I perceive your Rete mirabile to be cracked; for the net being broke, the Bird is flown, or your Brain indeed is rather over flown with strange Chimaeras of your own hatching, without any existence in that Art you profess.  
Next, that we may take notice you are a Gentleman (but sure 'tis of the younger House, who are better fed them taught) you give us a badge thereof: But not to detract any thing from the worth of that ancient Family of the Culpepers, whose merits transcend the commendation of so weak a Pen, & therefore not to say and thing of them, lest I should rather detract then add to their worth; my speech is to you, who knows, or at least should know, that honour sprung at first either from the Sword or Gown, both which without question made that family honourable. Sed ole quid hoc at te? Nam Genus & Proavi & quae nos non fecimus ipst, vix ea nostra vocentur. However, you let us understand for your Arms, you have the Lyon-Passant, which makes you pass for such a beast, that's of a ravening disposition, which the Moon crescent more fully by her light discovers unto us, showing you to be somewhat Lunatic, and rather the more, because she is towards the full. Had you been a right Gentleman (as by this Coat you intent the world should take notice) you would have scorned so much to have vilified the Gown; but by how much the Gown stands in opposition to your better thoughts, by so much you are degenerated from a Gentleman, yea from a man to a beast: I wonder not now, you tell us you were no Academic, if you had, I should have concluded you at the highest Pitch, to have been but a Sopho-moore, or at least one of the ruder sort of youth, whom Aristotle himself excludes from his Ethick Lecture; for you have wit and manners both a like, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, that is (lest you should run to the Westmisterian Schoolboys to english it) in a distinct Proportion, so that when the Zenith & Nadir may be brought to meet, we may then expect a conversion of these in you; in the Interim I would have you go to school, and form As in presenti. But I'll now come to your Errors, which you'll say perhaps were wilfully committed, that we might know you are a man for humanum est errare; yet such palpable ones show you to be a bungler, rather than an Artist, for which you need not fear we should deify you, unless 'twere to place you in a fools Paradise.  
The Cardinal Error (on which many other hang) concerns the Sun's ingress into the Vernal Equinoxe, or rather according to Copernicus, the Earth's saluting, the first point of Libra, wherein you present us with such a face of heaven (with what face you can do it, I know not) in which the first of the first decanate of Scorpio ascends; I verily believe and am sure, the Scheam is right according to that given time; but you like an unskilful Musician have made a discord by not keeping true time for the Sun's entrance into Aries, by this spoiling that harmonious consent of the Spheres music: for listen to Master Lily, Booker, Wharton and Wing, and you'll hear all of them, sounding an Unisome, their several Schemes like so many well tuned instruments, make up a harmony, whereas yours for want of tuning comes basely off, and makes a jar; and this because you have screwed your pegs too high; for whereas they differ some few scruples (and that's no scruple in point of Art) from each other for time, you are so singular, that you have marred all in dissenting from them all by no less than an hour & fourteen minutes: I see now you are omnium horarum home, and yet I much wonder (since you can temporize so well) that you should be no better a time observer. I will not tell you, the eighth day of March is put down for the ninth in the square, that may happen through the Printers mistake, sure I am the other eight hours fifty eight minutes P.M. cannot (by reason of your position of the Heavens for that moment) except for want of true Calculation, and so to pass by your two figures (as truly erected as this) for the Sun's entrance into both the Tropics, these (I say) shall be turned over in silence because I would listen to your Judgements.  
Page 24. Your judgement (you pretend) to be balanced by the prudent advice (come falsely) of your Brother Reason. That you two should be Kin I see little reason for it; you are not I suppose unacquainted with Doctor Simpleton, whose Plumbiosity out-ballanceth all the reason you have. Sed perdere quos vult Jupiter dementat. I know now who hath made you so mad a Prognosticator, and that is Jupiter in detriment; but you know your Reputation can receive no great detriment by it though you should Pay for your Pleasure with a Pox to you; else what means that bald Pate of yours, if 'twere but unperiwiged. Page 25. Your Authors you'll throw aside, (by what Authority I know not) only you take your ipse dixit to be a sufficient warrant to command our credence, notwithstanding which we'll believe you when we list. I see you are a Rebel to all Authority, and would assume a dominion in judging unto yourself; but before you be judge in your Art, I would have you first proceed Master of Art, only this; I'm afraid) is a degree beyond your Capacity, though I am confident you already take yourself to be a man of degree.  
Page 28. O Heavens! What have Men no more Wit yet, then to run after a company of prating Priests and Lawyers. What I pray have you to do with Heaven? I'm afraid Heaven hath but little to do with you, since you have so much to do with Hell, from whence you fetch your opprobrious and calumniating terms; for your Master (who sets you on work, and will one day truly pay you your hire) was a Detractor from the beginning. But you are a Saint forsooth for quoting a deal of Scripture; and so is the Devil, for he did as much for his own advantage. Have Men no more Wit? Verily, had they no more than you, they'd have but a little; for what you had is here vented at once, and now your hogshead's empty, we may expect it should sound, though there be nothing in it. Your vilification (as you think) in terming the Ministers PRIESTS, is more honourable than you are ware, and therefore they are better company then for yourself. But why prating Priests? I see you will discover yourself to be of the Athenian Sect, which counted PAUL but a babbler. But take heed I advise you, lest what you esteem prating, prove at the last more than an empty sound against you: if the WORD of GOD be of no better repute with you then Wind, it shall prove such a Wind as shall scatter such Dust as you are from before the face of the Almighty.  
There are more things wherein by some able Astronomer you stand in need to be Catechised. Me thinks you should have been better infighted in the speculative part of your Science,  you adventured on the Practic, especially since you intended to make it known to the world how little you know; for would an Artist commit such absurdities as may be found in you. To instance, whereas in January, all former Writers begin with the letter A, and end with it in December at the end of the year; contrary to all Precedents, out of a Pragmatic humour you begin with G, overthrowing by this all Ancient Method; but what talk I of this which is a slender one to what follows, and that's your putting down in this Month C. for the Dominical letter in stead of D. I suppose you considered it was Leap-yeare, and that made you skip o'er the right. If you had not told us aforehand, we might easily discern that you had thrown your Authors aside: for had you in composing your Almanac perused Master Wings Practical Astronomy, you could not have so grossly mistook and took C. for D. If you are married, I would have your wife acquaint you more with the hornbook, for I see you must to your A.B.C. You tell us of a great Eclipse of the Sun (which every novice can do) but I could tell you of what's greater than that (though less in itself) and that's the smallness of the Sun's Eccentricity, it being the least that hath been many hundred of years; but this is eccentrical to your apprehension, and so not taken notice of.  
Had I room, I would have gone on and read you over, I'll but conclude as yourself began in the Epistle, that here's too much already, unless it were better: and so Sir, the reason of my Scurrility proceeds from the defect of civility in you, not any disaffection to your Noble Art, for I am  
Philastrogus. Cambridge, Feb. 2. 1651/ 2  
FINIS.   

run these courses in contemplation of Ticho-Brac the ancient Germane Astronomer, or of the French famous Nostradamus'; fare less of an old prattling Mother Shipton; but because their influences are perpetually set on the perpetrating of wickedness; being incapable of any change at all, whereby their far differ from the constitution of the Celestial Orbs; which are by some speculatists said, to incline men's minds to such and such actions, though not to necessitate them thereunto.  
So likewise it is worthy of our observation, how artificially the spirit of delusion doth wage his war, when as by his ballacing of the scails he makes them, sometimes to rise and other times to fall; sometimes by choler, and at other times by hopes and promises: All which he so dexterously mannages, and carries on, as that at length, he reduceth them to believe, that it is un fair le faut, a thing which must be done; viz The patching up of a peace between parties, France and Spain, who to keep their Legions in action, must be necessitated to display their Banners against the Tribes of Israel; who as it seems are their main opposites; when as alas! those said Tribes have but too many opposites amongst themselves. And the which was by woeful experience) found to be too true. For that when as that Tribe seemed to be even at the height of its flood, and prosperity; as then, their old Duke of Bovillon together with twenty five more of the chiefest pillars, fell off from them at a clap; and as than they cried, Help Lord, for that honest men do perish and decay, etc.  
Now to the end, that the Devil may be fooled indeed, that the Pope may be put by his wiles (not only by a strait way towards him by France, or by Sivitavecha, but by a spirit of Peace) and that the Malignant firebrands may be run off from their byasses and guards:  
May such resolves, be taken as are most answerable to Christian pieity and wisdom; for to study and fix on possibilities; and in the first place, to wave Impossibilities, on the regard of an Abel-like blood, which was spilt by murderer's hands, and so to show ourselves as piously wise as the Devil is wickedly crafty: For that thereby the spirits of delusion will be entrapped, and sufficiently fooled, the Papal stratagems will be overthrown, and the Malignant crew will be banged home to the purpose; notwithstanding their groundless to the purpose; notwithstanding their groundless fulminations against that King of Spain, and those Nobles whom they pretend to hold (by their said Sancta Inquisition) fetered in chains, and linked in Irons, which must needs most ridiculously retort upon themselves; for that their pretended Sanctuary was not intended for such as they call Heretics who neither acknowledge them, nor their Sanctuaries rights; nor do they themselves deem those, (whom they account off as Heretics) to be worthy of being admitted into their Purgatory.  
Secondly, may the wisdom of this Commonwealth pitch upon such Christianlike resolutions, as might be answerable to the Divine Wisdoms dictates, and to wave all manner of Impossibilities, in regard of our neighbours the Hollanders; whereby the spirits of Delusion will be confounded, and made fools off indeed; so likewise would the Papal Stratagems on that score be brought to nought; and such firebrands will be confounded as may have entertained the like thoughts; which sundry men have fostered of the great pretended advantages, which will redound unto the Navy by the Act of Prohibition, concerning Importation, when as sundry well experimented persons, in the traffic and navigation allege store of arguments to the contrary, which are backed and confirmed by such persons as have all their life time studied and discussed the advantages proper to their country men, who have observed amongst strangers those things which are grounded on truth, and on most infallible Principles, an infinite number of them concluding in one and the self same axiom, consonant unto the arguments comprehended in the sixteenth and seventeenth pages of the second part of a Seacabin Dialogue, of late presented to the public View.  
Finally may the wisdom of this Commonwealth take such pious and christianlike resolves in the behalf and favour of one of the tribes of Israel, beyond the English Jordan, as that thereby the Kingdom of Christ may be advanced, and manifested to all the Nations of the Earth, that so all true Israelites (in whom there is no guile) as well here as there, may at length attain unto the blessed condition of being all one in sincerity; whereby doubtless both the Devil, the Pope and the Malignant crew will be out witted, confounded, and made arch fools of to some purpose.  
FINIS.