MERCURIUS ANTI-MERCVRIVS, Communicating all Humours, Conditions, Forgeries and lies of Mydas-eard NEWSMONGERS.  

— Facit indignatio versum.  
For all those persons, that to tell,  
And writ much news do love,  
May Charon ferry them to hell,  
And may they ne're remove.   

May all the Colds that on the Hill  
Of Caucasus do meet,  
May Scythian frosts palfie and chill  
Eternally their feet.   

May all the heats the torrid Zone  
And Lybia do see.  
May Aetna's fiercer flames fry, parch  
Their heads eternally.   
I Wonder these world is so bewitched to the Hydraheaded monsters, this adle-headed multitude, this filthy Aviary, this moth-eating crew of New-mongers, as to let them have a being in the world amongst us.  
Every Jack-sprat that hath but a pen in his overturn is ready to gather up the Excrements of the Kingdom, purged forth by the glister of distraction, by the suppository of dissension; and to put them into a coranto, mixed with innumerable lies of their own making, in the fashion of news, to guile the credulous world.  
Theres not a week passeth without a litter of them, every day one or two are whelped of these asse-eard ink-squibletters, these ink-dishonouring pettifoggers, widwived out by the help of a fee.  
What kind of creatures( I think) are these paperblurring, weekly-teeming pamphleteers, that press the press( almost) to death with their insupportable falsities? that my Reader may know, I will here insert the strange pedigree of this croaking fry, thi● indenominable Quaemalry of nudiustertian Mercury-mongers.  

Blew frisking Proteus( in the change o'th' Moon)  
Got a chameleon on a wild Baboon.  
This antic wild Baboon( committing rape)  
Begot a jesuit upon an Ape.  
This plodding jesuit( it came to pass)  
Got a News-monger on silly ass:  
And so they got their ears. Now who is he  
〈◇〉 show so large, so fair a pedigree.   
A pedigree sufficient to stun a herald to account; pretty Beagles. But why do ye make us such monsters.  

Zoile, miraris si te apellavero monstrum?  
Si quaeris causam, Zoile, causa patet.  
Nullum animal novi quod lingua mordeat unquam,  
Hoc tamen est in te, quod tibi nomen erit?   
Heres enough for a preamble, now to the matter.  
The whole Bevy of New-lye-writers may be divided into two Sections: First, Cavaliers, and they may be sub-divided into  

Mercurius 

1. Pragmaticus,  
2. Elencticus.     
Secondly, Parliamenteers, and they may be sub-divided into  

1. The perfect Diurnall-writer,  
2. The moderate Intelligencer.   

But first for the Cavaliers.  
First, Mercurius Pragmaticus is a fellow witty enough, but he hath more wit then honesty; he is the wittiest knave of the whole crew:( give the Devil his due,) he is the Court-jester, the Cavaliers fool, the chief squib-crack, arch pamphlet-puppy; if his Brethren( in iniquity) get him, the fools hug him, as the Papists do a Dispensation, to eat flesh Fridayes; wherewith they are furnished with jests and jeers for a long time after.  
This same Pragmaticus( alias J. Cleveland) was formerly an University-chitron, but now he is chief presswhelp; I took him at first for a Chilver-cavalier, because he vented such loud feminine scouldings: he had right a female Dialect, as if he would have unquaifed the Parliament: His motto i●, Nemo me impune lacessit, None provokes me without punishment. Great gunpowder words, but who fears it? Nemo, hercule, nemo. Aut dvo, aut nemo. He spews poison in every ones face he meets, and snaps at all, as if( like a Cannibal) he meant to bite off their noses; but sh●ewd Cowes have short horns: His chief subject of jeering is Religion; he thinks he doth great matters to cull some Divinity-dragooneers, or the like: But, sirrah Pragmaticus, whats become of your religions Ballad-singers, your devout Bel●ow●-blowers, your divine fiddlers, your godly Pipers, together with your heavenly Bawdycourt? you tell Master P. of edifying the Sisters in an upper room; and is it not for anger, that you must no more have a woman out of the Charter-house into the dark side of the cloister to make auricular Confession, whilst you press hard to know all, forgiving her fee upon condition—: you know my meaning. Whats become of your wooden Doctors, your leaden headed Deans, your thundering Canons, your lazy Prebends, your simmonizing chancellors, your sheep▪ biting Bitesheeps,( Bishops I would say) your treasonplotting Arch-bitesheeps, with the rest of that devilish Hierarchy?  
Pragmaticus at first seemed witty enough to edify a jest, but he hath almost worn out his roguish expressions; 'tis thought his note-book is almost at an end, and then the poor puny may give over in plain ground: But for his better supportment, he takes the council of a general caterwaul of Cavaliers once a week, to his great consolation; else 'tis thought the humidum radicale of his wit had been exhausted, and his libel languished into a consumption, for he is grown already almost as very a snivel-nose as Elencticus.  
He feeds his own Party with vain hopes, and promises fair; he hath made himself cock-sure of the honest Scots, but the fool is deceived.  
He hath bulled the Cow of the Kingdom with promise of a King, and she bides by it; she hath been long asue, and sprung the udder of hope; but when she will Calve, who can determine?  
Secondly, Mercurius Elencticus is the silliest fellow of the whole red-nosed tribe of Mercury-mongers, the veriest ass that ever shit through a Trumpet, the fritter of fraud, the seething-pot of iniquity, the costly( I mean) costive-wittedst block head that ever was guilty of spoiling ink and paper; be squeezeth out his nonsense with so much labour and pain, and makes so many vinegar-faces to the wringing of a lame line out, it would grieve one to see it, and hath special need of rhubarb to loosen his wit.  
He explicates a jeer so largely, with so many circumlocutions, letting on't out by little and little, that he makes it, from the sounding fart of a jest, become the stinking fizle of a ridiculous sentence. He tails at the Almanack-makers in folio, and( as if he meant to make a Comment upon Master Bookers) handles every part of it exactly: And the best part I saw in him is( he called Master lily Star-gazing Wizard:) but I will leave this Almanack-expositor to the expounded, who I know are informed by the stars how to rail at him soundly enough in the next yeers almanac.  
Hactenus de Cavileeres.   

2. Nunc de Parliamenteers.  
First, the Perfect Diurnall-writer is an old standing Pool, and therefore must needs gather much silth; he is the arch-sedition-monger, he may fib by authority, and lie stoutly( as no doubt but he doth) cum publico privilegio, imprimatur G. Mabbot: He cannot writ a jest but at second hand, and seldom rails but at Presbytery, which he doth scouldingly, with much waspishnesse: he takes occasion to speak of the eleven Members in every diurnal, least haply we should forget them: he is absolutely the cunningest whelp of the whole litter, for he never makes an end of his tale, but refers some to next week, some to friday, &c. holding his Reader in continual expectation of what follows, never satisfying him.  
He tells of many Orders( as good women tell one another of their eggs) there are many eggs laid, but shall they ever be hatched into the Chicken of execution? there are many hatched indeed, but they are for money, and they pass nemine contradicente: Now and then a good chick breaks the shell with much difficulty, but it muw be warily kept, else the Kite of covetousness will snatch it away: this fellow sneaks at Westminster for his news, and hath private intelligence from the Army; his ears are of the larger size, they reach to Ireland, Scotland, France and Holland: to conclude, he is a mere changeling, a fellow of no value.  
Secondly, the Moderate Intelligencer is the epitome of nothing, the gizzard of a trifle: This fellow is Liarroyall, and can out-lye a sheet every week; he tells outlandish, beyond-sea lies, besides English, and his ears are ubiquitary; he knows what ere is done in France, Spain, Holland, Germany, Swevia, Denmark, Russia, Italy, Dacia, Sclavonia, Transilvania, Poland, Turcia, Canaea, Venice and Rome:( but sirrah, who made you of his Holinesse privy counsel:) thus having filled his dung-cart, he sends it out into the world.  
There are many other silly fellows of this profession, who are no● worth the castigating distinctly; they are all the e●crements of humanity, the hemrods of wit, the fire-brands of contention, the chafendishes of hell,( or as the American cobbler speaks of fashion-loving women) the gyblets of vanity, the petti-toes of infirmity; fitter to be kicked, if they were of a kickable substance, then either honoured or humoured.  
I wish our noble Senators would be pleased, either to banish these whiffers out of the Kingdom, or to sand these gipsies home from tithing to tithing, with whip and pass, or bung up the mouths of these brawling curres with a pension( as charilus was served) that they may no longer corrupt the world with their forgeries: I would willingly allow them New-gate pension, bread and water, on condition they work hard, or a general assessment per mensem, for their relief: but if not, may they be hated of all,( or as Dorcas in Sir P. S. his malady) may the taste of them be worse then musty cheese, and their sight more audible then a Toad in ones pottage.  

That henceforth we may live in peace,  
And our divisions surcease.    
FINIS.