NAKED TRUTH Or a Plain DISCOVERY Of the Intrigues of Amorous Fops, And Humours of several other WHIMSICAL PERSONS, In a Pleasant and profitable Dialogue between a precious Saintlike Sister called Terpole and Mimologos a Scoffing Buffoon Written by DON FRANCISCO B'ALTHEC de Montalvan, and faithfully translated out of the Original By W. H. M. D. Dulce est decipere in loco. LONDON, Printed for Thomas Palmer, at the Crow● in Westminster-Hall. 1673. THE TRANSLATORS PREFACE. READER, Don't you wonder to see a Spaniard travel up and down our Nation in an English habit, and so light an one too? Cease to wonder, and know he laid aside his wont gravity purposely, out of complaisance, that he might more freely converse with us; and he seeing that the humour of our people was such, that sober Truths would not down with them, without an intermixture of Jollity, he condescends to gratify our Palates, which will nauseate the bitter Pills of reprehension, unless guilded overwith Jovisance & Drollery. In his travails here, when he of late took his Voyage into England; he goes about like a Knight-Errant, and puts himself upon an hazardous adventure; to censure persons for the exorbitances of their anomalous life, an hard Province 'tis he undertakes, and not likely to please, except here and there one, who are unprejudiced and unconcerned: In his passage to and fro, he observes the humours of several sorts of persons, and animadverts upon them pretty smartly sometimes; especially, upon the debauchery of the effeminate Gallant and the Ridiculous Fopperies of the ignorantly zealous Fanatic; here perhaps as in a clear Mirror thou mayest see thy own Face, read thy own fault and destiny: Now let me desire thee not to translate that again; which I have once translated already; I mean that thou dost not lay thy own fault upon another, but suspect thyself, under the person of another; lay thy hand upon thy heart, and say is it I he means? And what faults thou meetest with in my Translation candidly rather correct, than satirically carp at. But first let me entreat thee to amend what is amiss in thyself, (because charity gins at home) and then in him who fervently is Devoted to do you all the good he can. W. H. To his Honoured FRIEND THE Ingenious Publisher of this Facetious Discourse. PYthagoras was i'th' right, Lucian's again. Revived, we find, in your more happy strain; For herein only we acknowledge odds Your witty Dialogue reviles no Gods; But with free mirth comes bravely to engage And lash the Follies of a Brainsick age; Now Learning and Religion wasted lie 'Twixt pious Nonsense and wild Drollery Your harmless Joques correct our Ignorance And wise Physitian-like in complaisance To coy depraved Palates, gild o'er still With pleasant, Gaieties your salubrious Pill A Dish so Cooked all Appetites will fit Deep Notions intermixed with sprightly wit Envy must grant this composition rare A Rabbins learning, and a Poet's Air; Those that from grave Discourses fly away You to good Lessons unawares betray The Splay-mouthed Brother, and his melting Mate In this Glass view themselves, and blushing hate Henceforwards all these darling Fopperies They therefore so zealously did prize Blew-aproned Levites, Fortunetelling Quacks Empty sculled Gallants, cheating what-de? lacks All here Arraigned, hold up their guilty hand And for their several crimes receive the brand. Let supercilious Cato's then stand by With their morose affrightening Gravity Whilst we with thanks applaud your Art that know At once to profit, and delight us too. H. C. NAKED TRUTH OR A Plain Discovery Of the Intrigues of Amorous Fops, and Humours of several other whimsical persons, in a pleasant and profitable Dialogue, between a precious Saintlike Sister called Terpole and Mimologos a Scoffing Buffoon. Mim. WEll met Dear Sister, whether away so fast. Terp. Fast me no fast. I have fasted long enough already, now I have somewhat else to do than to stand prattling with you I am so hungerbitten: Therefore to be short, I am newly come from a Lecture, and am afraid my Dinner will be spoiled the Sermon was so long. Mim. Well the short and the long of it is, I cannot find in my Heart to say that I am glad you have been so well employed, for you might have been better occupied, (I believe) in some other place, but tell me prithee Terpole, what long wound Brother in a short Jump Coat did preach to day? Terp. Fie upon you Mimologue, you will never leave your old wont to flout at goodness, but I thought, you could have expressed yourself more properly, than to call such an exercise, Preaching; we who are acquainted best with the Holy Dialect style it standing. Mim. I thank you good Terpole for admonishing me of my Error, for true it is I did not speak so Congruously when I said so, for now I remember me in Northamptonshire I have heard, it is a common phrase among the Sisters there: Such an one Stood to day; therefore to speak at length more properly what was his Name that Stood to day. Terp. He is called Mr. Stan-hup. Mim. A very proper Name, Faith Sister to speak according to the Flesh. Terp. You still emprove all I say to this scurrilous scoffing way, you are the arrantest Droller in Nature, and it seems have accustomed yourself to it, and consuetudo est altera Natura, you know custom is a second nature, for I have so much Latin, being taught in my Father's House, when I was a Girl by my Father's Chaplain, as also a little of the Greek Language. Mim. It may be you have learned French too. Terp. Yes to deal plainly with you, I have. Mim. I will not ask you, whether you have learned Italian and Spanish, for I presume, you have not proceeded so far. Terp. It had been no great presumption in you, if you had put the question, if you will not think it any ostentation in me, to answer that I have; but (absit verbo arrogantia) 'tis true enough. For my Father resolving, that there should be nothing wanting as to the accomplishing me in my Education, allowed me Masters to instruct me in all these Languages. Mim. Now I have much ado to keep my hands off, from taking thee up, and that to purpose, you do so provoke me? What hast thou Terpole to do with so many Languages? Thou hast enough to confound twenty Men; especially when prattling is so incident to your sex, that a man cannot well suppose one to be a Woman without it, therefore 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 in Greek signifies both foeminam & confabulationem; it is vulgarly said, that one Tongue is enough for a Woman, and the Spaniards do so stomach it, that Women should be learned in several Languages, that they will not so much as admit they should have any Latin; therefore they say in their Proverb. De Mula que haze hin, y muger que habla Latin guarte. Take heed of a wenching Mule, and a Latin Woman, and hear what a modern writer of our own Country saith, one of the Minor Poets at least; whose Verses in English run thus. You wish me to a Wife rich, fair and young, That had the Spanish, French and Latin tongue. I thank you Sir, for I will have none such I think one Language will be tongue too much. Then love you not the Learned? As my life The learned Scholar, not the learned Wife. Terp. It is an hard and unjust sentence in you men towards us to doom our sex to the wheel altogether, as if we were fit for nothing but to spin, and prick in a Clout; whereas we are capable of more sublime things: I know it is commonly tossed up and down in the Mouths of the Vulgar, as you say, that one Tongue is enough for a Woman: In some sense I grant it is true, that is, where there is not prudence to regulate and moderate our words and actions; and in that case for all as I know, one Tongue may be too much. But discretion doth not consist so much in speaking few words, as no superfluous or impertinent ones. Therefore many tongues are no harm, if we know 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 as the moralist Plutarch hath it. Parts both natural and acquired in Women, and good qualities make their Company acceptable, whereas it would be an insupportable burden for men to stay long with us, if we did twattle about nothing, but what Bands or Gowns were in fashion, or such like Gew-Gaw things, and affected nothing but to besmear our Faces with paint, which is the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 of an unsanctifyed Mind, and is altogether inconsistent with that profession we make of Sanctity; yea truly 'tis a great scandal to the precious people of God in all places, and argues a Woman to be very immodest, I remember what the Italians say of such an one. Donna che si liscia Vuol far altro che la piscia: and likewise it is as great an offence to the Saints, to see some of our sex (which is a thing that I could wish was not so commonly practised among us) to besprinkle our faces with Patches, which show as a good Author saith wittily; that there is a Room to be Let, by the Bill on the door: I say, should we affect nothing else but these things, and to appear in a new Habit or Dress every day, or as if we were nothing else but a kind of walking Mercer's shops, and were born and shaped for our Clothes, and consequently if Eve had not fallen had lived to no purpose: What delight would sober persons (think you) take in our Company? We labour under a great infamy in this kind, it is said we have got such a trick, to be so long a tricking ourselves up, that half a day is scarce sufficient to make ourselves ready; and therefore old Terence, that knew well enough how to speak true Latin, and so was well enough acquainted with the Feminine Gender saith; Dum moliuntur, dum comuntur, Annus est. Mim. Herein I do agree with you Terpole, that the knowledge of any thing that is good is so far from being a burden, that it sets a lustre on, and is an Ornament to the persons that are endued with it, And I know no reason why Women should be barred from Cultivating their minds with Virtue and knowledge, which if they do seriously endeavour, (be it spoken without flattery) I verily believe they are capable of as many virtues as men, and what if I should say may exceed them; for they are of a finer mould and temper than Men; for whereas Man was made of the dust or slime, of the Earth or Red Earth; Woman was made of the dust or slime refined, she is so curiously and tightly wrought, that it is said in Holy Writ, Gen. 2.22. That God Built her, for so you have it in the Original, though we translate it made her. Which implies what an admirable structure was reared up when she was made; as if she was God's Masterpiece, and that he shown his chiefest skill in her contrivance, you see then what a curious piece of work Woman is, (and notwithstanding the vilifying and satirical expressions of some malevolent persons, who though they love them well enough while they are pleasured by them, yet when that is over, they take a pleasure to speak evil, and write defaming Libels against them, such is that of the Italians, Se la Donna fossae piccola come é buona, la minima soglia le farebbe una veste & una Corona. i e. Were a Woman as little as she's good A Peascod would make her a Cap and Hood, Notwithstanding (I say) this and such like Sarcasmes (which are more worthy of contempt than any confutation) it is evident enough they are susceptible of all excellent qualifications, and if it were fit to support so known a Truth, with so weak a Prop as fiction is, I would refer those that doubt of it, to the Poets Nine Muses, to which we ascribe the invention of Arts. But there is a real exemplification of this in Anna Maria à Schurman; though she was of no great stature of Body, to what an Altitude and Procerity of Knowledge did she grow to; she was a Paragon for many incomparable Qualities and Virtues, that she was adorned with. She writ Latin so elegantly and politely, as none exceeded her; as appears by her Works in Print: In which are many Epistles to several Learned Men, most in Latin, some in Hebrew, Greek, and French: She was even ad stuporem Docta. See what an Honourable Elegy Salmasius gives of her, which is Printed with her Works. She had a transcendent faculty in Limning, engraving, and a curious Hand at Needlework; so that the Cloth she wrought upon even seemed to pride itself, in being pricked and wounded by such an Hand. There are many other Women of other Nations, that are qualified with rare and singular endowments of Mind; as that great Heroina the Duchess of Newcastle; whose Name will be eternised after her Death, by those living Monuments of her Books. But what shall I say, or rather what shall I not say (if I had a Copia Verborum sufficient for such an undertaking) of Elizabeth Queen of England; who (although she was not in Communion with the Roman Church) was a Peerless Pearl of Virtue, and all excellent and admirable Sciences, the great Wonder of her Sex. What Language was there so difficult, that she did not attain to, and that in perfection. Mr. Ascham who was one among the rest that instructed her, hath for the perpetuating her Memory left it upon Record, that she read more Greek in one Day, than many great Doctors did read Latin in an whole Week. But I shall say no more in a Panegyrical way of her, lest I should Eclipse the splendour of her unexampled glorious actions with my unpolished lines, and indeed what Tongue can sufficiently express the Grandeur of her unparelled perfections. Una loqui te Lingua nequit, quae laudis opimae Materiam linguis omnibus una dabas. One Tongue in Praise of thy great worths to weak Which yields full matter for all Tongues to speak. There are some other Women that I could mention, though not that excel in the knowledge of Tongues, (for indeed since Men are so ill affected to their Tonguing of it so much, they have laid aside the study of Languages.) Yet are adorned with many eminent qualities. But they being now living, their Modesty will not suffer them to hear their own commendations, and so I shall forbear to name them: by what I have said then, I think it is apparent enough that Nature, or rather the God of Nature hath not denied Women parts and abilities, sufficient for the acquiring the highest attainments and perfections that Men are capable of; and that all kind of Knowledge and Virtue is as commendable in them as in Men. Therefore I cannot but Judge that Satirical scomm that Francis Duke of Britain, used concerning Isabel the Daughter of Scotland, savoured more of an humour than reason; who when he understood that she had been studious, and was learned, said, that a Woman was knowing enough, when she knew the difference between her own Smock, and her husband's Doublet. Terp. I am glad since you have dissented from me all along in our former dissertations, that now at length we meet in Vno tertio, And I give you many thanks for the right you have done our Sex. Mim. I hope the rest of the Sisters will have the same Sentiment, that you have, of my good inclinations towards them, and that they will show their forwardness upon occasion to pleasure me, when I stand in need of them; but it comes into my Mind Terpole to ask you another Question; which I had almost forgot: Since you have waded through the knowledge of so many Tongues; Did you not learn Hebrew too among the rest. Terp. Yes I did learn that too, so far as to read it, and to give the Grammatical Construction of two or three of David's Psalms: for it being the holy Tongue, the primitive Tongue, and the Language that God revealed his Will to us in the old Testament, I thought it was worth my enquiry into it. Mim. But there is another reason which you have omitted, that seems to carry a great deal of force with it, and might induce you to love this Tongue more than any other, and that is, because it hath more Cognation and Affinity with your sex than any other, for it is to be read from the Right Hand to the Left, and thereupon a good Author saith, that Women and Hebrew are much alike, they are best when read backward. Terp. You are still for your Puns and Joques, but to be serious: I wonder that since the Hebrew tongue is of such antiquity, and conduces so much to the right understanding of Scripture, that it should be so much vilipended, yea and exploded too, and that by Men, who would fain have the World believe that they are not inferior to any for learning. Mim. There is no other account to be given of this, but that it proceeds from ignorance and Envy, for those persons that do contemn it, are (as the Elegant Moralist Plutarch expresses it) like those that are troubled with blear Eyes 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 who cannot look upon any bright thing without great offence: Such think to raise themselves to the Zenith of an huge Reputation by censuring and eclipsing of others that know more than they: These persons deserve to be severely lashed, but that I conceive 'twill be time misspent they are so incorrigible: I shall say no more now concerning such but this: They being Blind stand more in need of pity than reproof, and being they refuse to have their Eyes opened, and be led by Counsel; a Dog with Bell about his Neck is fit for them than good advice; only in compassion to them, I could find in my Heart to sound forth that doleful Ditty commonly used by Persons deprived of their sight. Good people pity the Blind. But notwithstanding the knowledge of this Tongue is so decried and depretiated by such men, it is of great account among others that know how to value things rightly, and thought to be very useful; for the Ignorance of this Tongue hath been the occasion of many Errors not only in Learning but in Religion too; for want of understanding the Equivocal word 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 which signifies both an Horn and Light, or Brightness as you find it 34 Exodus v 29. Moses most ridiculously is painted with Horns, which is the cause of great laughter to the Jews and Arabians, to see the Venerable old Prophet Metamorphosed into a Cornish Knight. If all Men were as fottish and ignorant as some are, what would have become of us (think you) as to the Holy Bible, should we have received it without a great deal of mixture and corruption? No surely, it is the Jews care and zeal that we are beholding to, for preserving it in its native purity; they were so strict and rigid in this kind that it is written in Baba Bathra 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 i. e. Joab killed his Master because he did the work of the Lord negligently, he reading Deuteronomy c. 25. v. 19 Tinichi Zachar Amalec, h. e. delebis masculum Amalec, when he ought to have read Zecher Amalec, h. e. memoriam Amalec. This story too St. Hierom records as a very memorable thing, (if I be not mistaken) in his exposition of the Sixth Chapter of Isaiah: Now you see by this, how necessary the knowledge of this Hebrew tongue is, especially for men, and it would do no harm, if Women had a little smack of it, as you say Terpole you have) but your Smock Madam is more taking with Gallants: But stay! Where do we ramble; this discourse of Languages was a thing Obiter mentioned, and not mainly intended therefore I must remind you, of what passed before, in reference to the Lecture: You told me I remember who it was you heard at the Lecture, but you did not acquaint me with the Subject matter of his Discourse. Therefore I pray tell me now what Doctrine did this Stan-hup you spoke of before Teach, or rather prattle. Terp. I must once again correct you, for now you done't only make a mock of Religion, but also speak very improperly, when you call it Teaching. For we of the Conjugational Way, term it Holding Forth. Mim. This is an heavy charge, though I doubt not but to clear myself from the first imputation, viz. of flouting at Religion, although perhaps not from the second part of my charge as to impropiety of speech. Terp. But I hardly believe you can do either, you are so obnoxious .. Mim. I say as to the first part of my charge, of scoffing at Religion in Truth, I plead not guilty, but as for this Mock Religion of Conventicling if I do make a Mock of it, it is no great crime for it is but an holy Cheat at best; who indeed can refrain from laughter, to hear such poor, Jejune, flat and impertinent expressions, Tautologies, a Myriad, with a Company of wire drawn Metaphors, and holy Knick-knacks and conceits, extemporary effusions, sanctified nonsense, and ridiculous Fopperies, which flow from such Pulpiteers Mouths; as insensibly and easily as excrements from some sick persons. I profess for my part, I think it is time misspent to hear such, and that one had better be employed in picking of straws or as the Emperor Domitian, in catching of Flies by an Hour Glass, (who was truly therefore styled, an Enemy to Flies and a Fly to his Enemies) then to sit two or three Hours, to hear such pitiful Nonsensical, and sometimes blasphemous stuff. But as to the second part of my charge, I do agree that word you use, might be more proper, of Holding forth; for the Sisterhood don't love obscure mysterious things, that need unfolding, but are for downright Truths plainly laid open, for Truth and Women are much alike, Truth is best Naked, and so are Women; they are most ready, when they are unready, therefore some Lywers will not admit of the word Notwithstanding in a Jointure, but instead thereof put in always provided. Nakedness is that which restores Women to themselves, for the various dress of all Nations do strangely disguise them, so that they must put off their Masquin Habits, or be taken to pieces like Watches, they can be enjoyed: Now we cannot do Women greater right, than to be Judged by one Rule; then do but once unclothe Women, and they are all the same. Comines tells us, that a Princess being upon the point of Marriage, appeared in a Lawn Smock, to be viewed by Ambassadors, and said, she would put off that too if requisite. Thus you see Nakedness is a sure Rule for the preventing of mistakes, for every Woman out of her is of the same fashion, but this will not be believed by Gallants but they will Coast about the Microcosm of Women, and so insatiate they are in their desires, that they would willingly try all, omnem movebunt lapidem, they will leave no stone unturned at Whetstones-Park, until they touch upon the new found Island, (as they fancy) when as indeed it is as commonly known as the Isle of Man; and hath no relation at all to Terra incognita: but the frequent speculation of an Idea stimulates Men to the enjoyment of a thing, which when enjoyed they find to consist more in imagination than reality; like the Incubus or Nightmare in a Dream, you imagine it a Weight, you Grasp at it, and awake, and 'tis nothing. Pleasure in this kind is a Juno in the pursuit, and but a Cloud in the Enjoyment: It is but a mere Dream, or shadow of a Dream rather. In Egypt there was a young man that had a marvellous fancy unto a famous Courtesan called Thonis, who did ask him such a great sum of Money to lie with her, that it was impossible for him to give it; at length this Youth being so deep in love with her, dreamt one Night, he lay with her, and enjoyed her: This Courtesan whom he had taken such a fancy to, hearing of this his Dream did put him in suit before the Judges, to be paid her Hire, for the pleasure the young man had taken of her by imagination: Bocchoris hearing the sum of her complaint, commanded the young man to bring before him in some Vessel, at a certain day appointed, as much money as she did ask him for to lie with her; then he bade him toss it to and fro in his Hand before the Courtesan, that she might have the shadow and sight of it; for (quoth he) imagination and opinion is but a shadow of Truth. But still supposing this young man had really his desires fulfilled, yet he would have found, they had been more in imagination than in Truth, for Opinion is the Shop of pleasures, where they are at first forged, and receive their birth, and as they are generated of an Airy Phantosme, so they die in a fume, and disperse into nothing. (But hold) I fear I shall run out too far upon this point, and be guilty of a digression; therefore I must look a little back, and recollect myself: You may remember I told you the Sisters are for Downright Truths, plainly laid open, and you know Women are counted best on the sudden, and therefore don't love a person, that is long before he comes to duty; like those dissenting Brethren of the Conventicling persuasion, who are wont to usher in a trite common notion with an huge August Preface: Just so a Brother of the same opinion did lately, who teaching the Brotherhood and Sisterhood, spoke thus. It was well said of as great a Divine as ever Europe brought forth: Nay if you will believe Gregory Nazianzen, and he was a man of a celebrated fame for all abstruse Learning, it was not only well said, but it was very well said; that, Faith is good if it be a good Faith: But I remember how much this tedious Fumbler, was disrelished by the Holy Sisters, for they like those best, that come to the point quickly; (the Vertical point I mean) which by a Trope, or Stylo Novo, may be called Turn-Style; because there are more ways to the wood than one; but whether you go this way, or that way, still 'tis the same thing, to wit a thing of nothing; for take the whole and yet you have not enough, nor they I warrant you, for Women, Priests and Poultry never have enough; (as is commonly said) and although it is a vulgar saying, that Virtus consistit in medio, it is not so in this middle though it be the best part of the Female Sex, according to the French Adage. Des femmes & des poissons, le milieu vault le mieux, i. e. Of Women and Fish the middle is best. Terp. I cannot pass by some things you say in defence of yourself, without a severe Castigation, you call those precious, Soul-piercing, yea Soulsaving, heart-breaking, sin-destroying, faith-confirming Truths; poor, flat, jejune, impertinent, seditious and blasphemous things; this verily, is a gross Error in you: For they that Hold-forth to us are men of such courage and zeal, that when we are e'en sunk in our spirits for want of meet helps, they keep us from despair, nay they are Boanerges' sons of Thunder. Mim. I grant they are Sons of Thunder in some sense, but instead of Soulsaving Truths (as you call them) that you pretend they should deliver, they thunder out Soul-destroying; State-disturbing, King-reviling Doctrine, and are so powerful in their Holding Forth this. And something else that I could tell you of, (if I were minded) that the Sisters, cannot but fall before them as Lightning, they being Women of extraordinary humility and lowliness, having heretofore in the days of Usurpation, and in times of darkness, petitioned the ablest Members, that they would be pleased to Stand unto them showing a great readiness at all times, especially in these days of more light, or rather more light days, to lay down themselves with their hole stubstance; and now there is no great fear that they will Apostatise from their first principles, although nature may be so prevailing in them, that they may Fall back a little. Terp. You will never leave your Drolling (Mimologue) 'tis strange you should affect, this scurrilous, sarcastical way. Mim. Come, Come Terpole for all you look so demurely, and speak so precisely, as if you were such a Saint: Yea, though you turn up the white of your Eyes, and make such a show; yet if my skill don't fail me in Physiognomy, you look as if you would turn up something else too, provided it be done in due time and place, and so no scandal to the straitlaced Sisters; Come, you see I know you a little, you are Pisello di buona cucina as the Italian Idiom is; you are lose in the Hilts I'll warrant you, and now I hope I touch you to the quick: I do the rather use this Gibing way: (which you charge upon me as a fault it seems) because I would fain laugh you out of that silly rambling humour of yours, that when you have a good Orthodox Preacher in your own Parish, you should leave him, and go a Pilgrimage two or three Miles, (it may be) to bear such pitiful, nonsensical men keep a babbling, who beat upon the Cushion, more than their Text, and make the Pulpit groan more than their Hearers, whom you of the Sisterhood admire, because he delivers all he saith by heart: Oh say they, a rare man, he never looks upon a Book, and indeed 'tis no marvel, for 'twas a thing he never was used to. I'll hold you a good wager Terpole, that I'll make a better Sermon that never preached in my life, than any of those sonorous Pulpit-Thumpers, you use to hear, and so work upon the Sisters by my Doctrine, and overcome them so, that they will be more ready than in times of yore, when the old lusty puss was started, (the good old Cause I mean) to bring in their Bodkins, Thimbles, and Marriage-Rings, and all that they have, and lay them down and themselves holy at my Devotion. Terp. Here is multum clamoris sed parum lanae (as they say) great boast but little roast I'll warrant you. Mim. Well, come and try and bring some of the Sisters with you and I'll exercise them to purpose. Terp. By my truly I could find in my Heart to come if you be in earnest. Mim. Don't doubt that, for I am serious, but remember then to come, Die veneris which is to morrow at Nine of the Clock in the Morning, (for I am best at morning exercise) to Grubstreet at the Sign of the Naked Woman, because that is a very convenient Conventicling place, and I'll be sure to keep touch with you, in the mean time I'll bid you farewell. Terp. I can hold up no longer now 'tis so late, 'tis twelve a Clock for this Night I verily believe, therefore I must go sleep. Mim. Good Night to you Terpole; I'll leave you to your rest. Terp. I wish you a good Night's rest Mimologue, but remember your promise of exercising to morrow. Mim. I'll warrant you, don't fear it, but I will be punctual. Corina. Good morrow Sir, are you Mr. Morologue. Mim. I am no more a Log than yourself, my Name is Mimologue. Cor. Pardon the mistake of your Name Sir, you are the person intended. Mim. Well! Go on, what is your business with me. Cor. My Mistress Madam Terpole sent me to know whether you were come, and were ready to exercise here, as you promised: she being at the next door, at the Sign of the Green-Gown. Mim. Let her know, I have been here this half Hour, and come as well provided as I could in so short a time. Cor. I shall readily perform your commands; your servant Sir. Mim. Farewell sweet Heart. Mim. Hoh! Good morrow Terpole, you are come I see with the Brethren and Sisters, you have brought to hear me: Well I am none of the best gifted, but I'll perform as well as I can. I pray walk into the next Room, because that is most convenient for the purpose: So 'tis well! now the company is come together I'll begin; My Beloved, prick up your ears, and hearken with all diligence as you shall find it Written for your instruction in the Second Book of Pseudology Cap. 3. v. 30. in these words Oh that men were wise, and would consider what pleasure and profit, there is in Lying and they would never speak Truth again: Now beloved if you would find me hereafter, never look for me in the Text, for it may be I may never come at it again, No more than those Rambling Pulpiteers you hear, who are as far off from the Text, as that unskilful Archer was from the mark; whom when Diogenes saw ready to shoot, he presently ran to the place where the Arrow was to be directed alleging this reason for it, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 that I might not be hit. Well my Beloved the Text you have heard, from which words I shall gather this plain lamping observation which flows naturally from the Words, viz that Lying is a very pleasant, edifying, and universally profitable thing all over the Christian World. Now I shall speak to these words first by way of Explication, Secondly by way of Application shutting up all with a word of Exhortation. Lying (Beloved is a word of great Latitude and extent: As to its Pedigree I must tell you 'tis of great Antiquity, it comes of a very ancient Family, the first Temptation that ever was, it was a Lye. But that you may know what Lying is, you are to take notice that the credit of the Relator is that which makes the difference between Lying and speaking of Truth, for a Lie believed is Truth, and Truth not believed is a Lie, and here I'll illustrate this with a short story that concerns a Conventicling Brother who exercised upon the Butcher's Wife very ardently, (she admiring him as many of the other Sisters did for his profound knowledge in revealing of mysteries and secrets, or rather Mistress secrets) you may perhaps guests whom I mean, but I'll do him that right not to name him, because he is dead and gone, and 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 is a precept. But the story is thus; there was a plain farming Fellow in the Country that lived near the said Brother of the Congregational way, that had a youth to his Son, who though a Minor in Years, yet was arrived to a great maturity in all debauchery, and notwithstanding the repeated admonitions of his Father, he continued in his wicked Courses, insomuch that his Father despairing that he could ever work upon him, so as to reclaim him; desired the said Teacher that he would exercise his Jurisdiction over him, he being a person of such Authority among the Brotherhood and Sisterhood, thought (it seems) that his Reproof might take such impression upon his Son, so as to reform him; and to be short; the said Teacher meeting with him one day did severely castigate him in this manner. Oh! Sirrah (saith he) I hear fine things of you; you are a notorious Rogue, you have got a trick, (I hear) that when your Father sends you to keep his Sheep to play at Cards, and lose I know not how many of them at One and Thirty; that is a Lie saith the Boy presently: How now saith this Teacher you are a rude Rogue indeed; do you give me the Lie, why quoth the Boy 'tis true enough that you did tell a Lie? why how is that Boy? (saith he) Marry thus; when I was One and Thirty I always won, yea that is true indeed Boy saith the Teacher. But Sirrah I hear of another Roguish trick you have, and that is you are wont, (when your Father is angry with you for your evil practices) to drive his Sheep over a narrow Bridge, and so they fall beside and are lost; that is another Lie saith the Boy; why Boy, (quoth the Teacher) how is that? thus 'tis replies the Boy; those Sheep that go over the Bridge are safe enough, but they are only lost that fall beside the Bridge; so this Brother was convinced that the Boy spoke Truth in both these things he charged him with as great misdemeanours; but notwithstanding it fell out to be true, as the Boy said, he was given enough to Lying, and so are many beside him, that are men, who have so used themselves to Lying, that they will Lie as fast as a Dog will lick a Dish, now the reward of such persons is, never to be credited, although they chance to speak Truth 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 (as a good Author saith) but of all persons that are addicted to Lying, none have so good a warrant for their Lying as Travellers, for they may Lie by Authority. when I Was at Amsterdam in Holland the Description of an Ambassador, that obtained very much there, was; Legatus est vir bonus, peregrè missus ad mentiendum Reipub. causâ; but if others don't (Lie, and the News be true that we hear) Ambassadors there are never likely to Lie more for such a purpose, for their Commonwealth or Stateship is e'en defunct, it being a thing so odious to the people, that though their be great Discords among them, yet in this they agree all and cry out with one accord. The Devil take the States. But if Ambassadors are so much given to Lying, (as you heard before) what then are other ordinary Travellers: It is so Authentic with some of them, that they will take it for an high affront, if you do but so much as question the Truth of any story they relate, though it be never so improbable, and indeed they have told Lies so often, that they at length themselves believe them to be true; and are ready to Duel any that seem in the least to contradict them: Yea, though there be an evident impossibility in the stories they relate, as there is in that of the Bishop of Mentze's who bragged that he had a flame of the Bush which Moses beheld burning. And that likewise of the Holy Relic of the Ass; of which the story runs thus. A Dutch man making his confession to a Mass Priest at Rome, promised by an Oath to keep secret whatsoever the Priest should impart unto him, until he came into Germany, whereupon the Priest gave him a Leg of the Ass on which Christ road into Jerusalem very neatly bound up in a silken cloth, and said this is the Holy Relic of that Ass on which the Lord Christ corporally did sit, and with his sacred Legs touched this Ass' Legs: Then was the Dutchman very joyful, and carried the said holy Relic with him into Germany: Now when he in the presence of Four other his Comrades, shown it, each of them having likewise received from the same Priest a Leg, and had promised the same secrecy; they breaking out into great admiration said; Lord! Had that Ass five Legs: From whence it cometh that the Italians do jeer the Dutchmen and hold them for very gross ignorant people. Lying in general being nakedly and abstractly considered, first implies rest, for by this means we enjoy rest, that which all things, even to the lowest inanimates tend unto with a strong propension, stones themselves violently rush down to their Centre, and increase their motion as they come near it: those that are used to hunt in Whetstone's Park have sufficiently experimented the Truth of this (or else they have, not been given so much to Lying as the World thinks them.) Flames and Fire mount upwards being impatient of those Unctuous and sulphurous Prisons to which we confine them, all things tend to quiet and rest. If a man would obtain sciences in any kind, there is no way so conducible as serenity of mind and quietness? hence it was that the Poets secluded the Muses to mount Parnassus, to Fountains and Groves, as knowing that Cities were no fit places for any profound Meditations, and consequently much company an Enemy to it: For this reason I believe it was that the Learned Sir Henry Wotton after his many Embassayes and negotiations concluded thus; tandem hoc didici animas sapientiores fieri quiescendo. Secondly Lying as it implies rest (as I told you before) so it implies health also; that is to say in Women for it very much conduces thereunto, provided they lie according, as the French Proverb hath it; la femme est bien malade, quand elle ne se peut tenir sur le does. That Woman must needs be sick, who cannot lie on her back. Thirdly, lying implies pleasure, and so 'tis true as I told you in my Doctrinal observation that it is a pleasant thing, for Women especially, but this is no otherwise true, but as there is lying in the case; that is when men lie with them, for they take no pleasure at all in lying alone. Now though I say lying is a very pleasant thing, you are to take notice that I don't mean this of a promiscuous Lying, for there are some Women that is not lawful for men to lie with them: And therefore Mr. Take-o'-Trust a great Casuist of the sisters makes a nice distinction herein, and cuts it for an hair, A man (saith he very argutely) may lie with his own Man's Wife, but not with another Man's Wife: And Dr. Amphibolus another great Casuist saith, that it is not lawful, or at least wise not expedient, for a man to lie at all times with a Woman, no not with his own Wife, for one may as he phrases it use licita illicitè. But (beloved) for my more methodical proceeding, you may be pleased to take notice of a Tripartite Division of lying that is commonly known, viz. an officious, a Jocose, and a pernicious lying. Of these in their order briefly; But rouse up yourselves (Brethren) for I see some of you a sleep with your Heads in the sister's laps; a foul shame and a great scandal, that when I am standing here, you should lie there; I tell you truly or rather a true lie this ought not to be: I pray mind what I told you, I said there was a threefold Lying, this lying of yours make a Fourth but I know not under what Topick to bring it, except it be a lascivious lying; but to return to the Text, and first there is an officious Lying as I mentioned before. And that is when a man lies with his own Wife, (but this is a thing not much in use now a days and therefore I'll but lightly touch upon it) As for this Uxorious lying it is a thing every husband is bound to do ex officio if he would be counted an honest man. Although some are so wise not to tie themselves to duty in this kind. Therefore the Italians say Gli huomini da bene si maritano gli savij no. Honest men use to marry, but wise men tarry: I have heard some Gallants say, that a Wife were a fine thing, if she were an Almanac, that a man might change her once a Year: If the age we lived in were so lose, how many close students should we have, that would turn over such Authors apace, if they could have a liberty to turn them off so soon; for they are apt to think that variety in such Books, as well as in other things doth delight. But there is another sort of Officious lying, and that is such a Lying that is hurtful to none, but is of advantage to some persons or other, this many times is profitable, and may lawfully be used. As for example, if a certain General of an Army should see a kind of despondency in his Soldiers, and he to hearten them up and encourage them, feigns that there are auxsliary forces coming to their succour; and by this means puts courage into these Soldiers when they were almost exanimated through fear, shall not this figment (think you) be dispensed with, that is so useful? Plato allowed a lie lawful either to save a Citizen or deceive an Enemy, this kind of lying Abraham used with Pharaoh, and Abimeleck and his Servants, and likewise the Hebrew Midwives in Egypt, which proceeded from a fervent desire in them to promote greatly the good of those persons, and therefore allowed by Origen, St. Hierom, chrysostom, Innocentius the third, Cassianus and others: Nay, this is of such Universal use, that there is no living for Tradesmen of all sorts without it; I believe if man had not fallen, they should never have needed to use it, but as he is now it is hard for him to live without it; No lying no living. There are no wares scarce vended without the help of this, either at home or abroad; they think they can gain no custom without this custom of lying: Oh saith one, it cost me more, when you have bid money for a commodity, this is commonly practised in the Exchange, scarce any thing is sold there without the exchange of a lie. And some of the Women there will be ready to fly in your face and scratch you, if you should seem in the least to suspect the truth of what they say, but if you should escape their Nails, you will be pelted with the Hailstones of opprobrious words, which will fly thick about your Ears, although such persons would show more wit, and get more money too, if they were more complaisant, and used more gentle and sweet Language for chi non ha' denari in borsa habbia miel in Bocca as the Italian Proverb is h. e. He that hath not money in his purse, must have honey in his Mouth. Xiphilinus tells us that Livia the Wife of the Emperor Augustus; promised Numerius Attieus five and twenty thousand Crowns, if he would swear that he saw Augustus Caesar after his Death ascend into Heaven: Now quis potest tot armatis resistere, is there any so foolhardy, Nay so sottish, as would refuse such an offer, merely upon the scrupulosity of a fiction. Many of the Brotherhood make no bones of being head of a faction, and will they (think you) scruple the having their hand in a fiction: No I'll warrant you, when it turns to their advantage and profit they can easily swallow it. But there is an officious sitting too as well as lying, but that is not my business to treat on here, you will easily discern that belongs more to an House of Office, than my Text, and so that would be no cleanly come off for me, to make such a digression: There is a lying for credit too as well as profit, but such an one that tells a lie to save his credit wipes his Nose on his sleeve to save his Napkin; but I shall say no more concerning this first head of Officious lying: Now to come to the second part which is jocose lying; and this is for the making others merry, and may be permitted, provided we exceed not in the measure or manner of it; this may argue one to be a wise man for as the Italian Proverb hath it, Del tutto non é savio chi non sa esser pazzo: but you must take heed that you be not so merry in jest, as to be sad in earnest (I mean) to lose your Friend for a jest, as that Gentleman did, who meeting with a Person of Quality his old acquaintance in London, that was newly come from beyond Sea (where he had been a long time,) after a congratulation of his safe return, spoke to him in this familiar Dialect: Dear Rogue! where hast thou been all this while? who answered, Faith I have been travelling up and down, and how hast thou lived? by my Wits, saith the Traveller, whereupon this Jester replied, Faith I never knew one live upon so little in all my life; but this was so biting a joculary conceit and did so distaste this Traveller, that he never cared for his Friend afterward; it may be said of such a jocofe man, that he hath a good Wit, if a wise man had the keeping of it. No ay peor burla que la verdadera (as the Spaniard saith) the worst jest is the true jest, as that was of Faustus the Son of Sylla, who (when his Sister had two Gallants at the same time, that had familiarity with her, namely Fulvius a Fuller's Son, and Pompey surnamed Macula) scoffingly said; Miror sororem meam habere Maculam cum habeat fullonem. But the third sort of lying according to the threefold Division that I made, remains yet to be spoken to, I having dispatched the other two, viZ. an officious and a Jocofe Lye. Now the last is a pernicious lying, and this is twofold; one is when a man lies and hath neither pleasure or profit by his lying, the second is when one indeed hath pleasure at first, but dolour afterwards: As for the first sort of lying, it is an unaccountable thing in such a person that so lies, and deserves to be severely censured: In the time of the Emperor Claudius there died a Man in Rome named Pamphylus, who never told any matter of Truth in all his life time, but evermore had his chiefest delight in lying: And I heard a story not long ago at a Coffeehouse, (which you know is the Mart of News) of a Countryman of our own that was so given to lying, but that was a bed, (although he could lie in other places too) that to break himself of that slothful humour, was resolved to do penance in one sheet, and therefore very handsomely as he thought pulled off one of the sheets of the Bed where he lay as a Guest, and wrapped himself up in it as if it had been a winding sheet: But being found out and laughed at for his labour, he turned Cat in pan (as they say,) and transferred the contrivance upon the Mistress of the House, saying it was done by her on purpose to affront him, and that he would never lie there again: Now this (you will say) was double lying, although he lay but in one sheet: But however no one single person believed his tale, no more than he himself did; but no more of this now, because the person that acted this foolish trick may be dead (for all as I know.) For I hear that presently after this mad Prank was played, he finding his Spirits exhaled with the heat of his passion took a Voyage to Anticyra, to purge his Brainsick frenzy with Helle-bore; now whether he died there, may be a question much controverted, for I never heard he returned from thence; but I'll not undertake to resolve this point, but leave it as a Quaere for those fly-witted persons to decide, that have nothing else to do but to study the Anatomy of Flies or such like minute things of no moment: But secondly as I told you before, the other sort of pernicious lying, is when one indeed hath pleasure at first in Lying, but dolour afterward. Now this is such a Lying that is hurtful and destructive to both parties, and is a mortal offence, for many times it causes mortality. For example sake, when a man lies in the torrid zone of a Lays, or some prostituted She-bed-fellow, and gets such an beat or clap, that he can never claw it off again: Such an one may take up the same complaint that Hermione in Plutarck doth, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉. This kind of Lying is very destructive to one's health. You have it well expressed in the Italian Proverb quelle che hâ un piè in Bordello hà l'altro nello spedale. He who hath the one foot in a Bawdy-House hath the other in an Hospital. Those persons that do so freely indulge themselves in such wild ranges and chases as aforesaid, little consider how much their desultory promiscuous conjunctions do disturb the Mind, and render it unfit to undertake serious affairs, they are so much for generation work, that at the last they wholly incapacitate themselves for the serving of their generations, besides the many mischiefs the body receives by those fatal venereal encounters, which are ofttimes the productives of misery and infamy which they entail to their posterity, for though these stolen waters seem at first to be sweet, (and you shall have Gallants in the apprehension of the sweetness thereof risk fortune, honour; yea life itself, and all to enjoy a Miss;) yet they will prove waters of Marah, bitter in the end. Now the best way to cure this extravagant distemper of a miscellaneous Coition is as a good Author saith, to suppose a Woman to be masculine, and so weigh her conditions as breeding parts, etc. for we all befool our Judgements with thinking too much of her invisibilities. But (Beloved) that you may be edified by what I have said, I come in the last place to show you, that lying is a very edifying thing, it tends very much to edification, for by that means the Sisters being wrought upon will greatly increase and multiply, and they being extraordinarily plumped up before, it is a pregnant argument of their thriving condition, and that in due time they will bring forth a blessed seed, but the issue is uncertain, because no body knows, whether the cunjunction between them and their husbands, or some benevolent Quakers or fifth Monarchy men: Now you must know the Sisters don't edify a like under all Teachers, those that they edify most by are certain whifling Declamers, who being void of knowledge and virtue mount the Pulpit with a Gigantean confidence as a Player doth the Stage, and there fulminate and tonitruate words to puzzle intellects, and vent the foolish and ridiculous whimsies of their distempered brains, for profound and solid Divinity, they admire these most, and count them especially the ablest men that are of long standing, (for they care not how short they are of understanding) But as for the Do-littles, the Sisters that are not acquainted with their parts, are so prejudiced against them upon the account of their name, that they are apt to think them weak Brothers and not edifying at all. But others of the Sisters who know them very intimately, Cry them up for men of as good abilities as many others of a greater name, and profess they partake of their gifts with a great deal of pleasure and are very much edified under them. Well (Beloved) you have the doctrinal part of the Text sufficiently explained to you, now I shall wind up the bottom of my Discourse with one word of exhortation to young men, and so dismiss you: Sirs in this your day, whilst your Veins are full of Blood, and you have Marrow in your Bones, exercise yourselves, yea lay out yourselves, parts, abilities, and all that you have in Lying, and the Sister's hole service: If you mean not in part, but wholly to destroy yourselves. Well Terpole? What say you now? You thought (I believe) that I could not make a Preachment, but you see I don't do as your rambling Pulpiteers, that give one knock on the Hoop, and another on the Barrel, (as the common saying is) but I keep close to the matter in hand: Don't I tickle the point think you? Am not I a Divine now? Terp. I am not sufficiently convinced, that you are any great Divine; for your Discourse consists not so much of Divinity, as of Levity. Mim. That is an Error which I must desire you to correct, blot out levity, and write mirth instead thereof; you of the Sisterhood, are hugely given to censuring; but I pass not for that; I care as little for it as a Goose T— for the Thames, (as the vulgar Proverb is) so long as I deserve not your censure. Some persons are so capricious, that if I were sure always to do well, it is a question, whether that would always please. I am far from being in love with faults, but sure this is but a light one, if any, and it is for delight. There are none will blame this innocent jovial humour, but some peevish morose old men: who like old Monkeys, having either gnawed away or lost their Tails, read Lectures to young ones to cut theirs too. I know not why I should affect a sullen melancholy humour, make wry faces and look sorrowfully, to please some dogged tempers; sorrows will come fast enough, I shall not need to court them. I am sure a pound of care will not pay an ounce of debt. Therefore why should not I make my life as pleasant as I can, the most compendious way leading to this, is to banish all anxious solicitude. Grave cura non ti punga è sara tua vita Lunga as the Italian Proverb is: There be some Stipocondriaques that can endure mirth no more than Owls can day light, but it shall never make me have a quarrel with the Light, because weak eyes are dazzled with its beams. There must be in every thing intermissions to unbend our spirits; our spirits are cloyed as well as our senses, if they have not some relaxation by delights. The Philosopher that always wept, it may be would have a mind to laugh upon some occasions: Mirth is that which fits one for business according to the Spanish Proverb. Huelgo me un poco mas hilo mi copo I am a little merry, but I do my business, and it greatly conduces to health too, it is a Sovereign Amulet against some distempers, which afflict sedentary men, it revives the drooping spirits of hypocondriac Persons: And shall it then be counted a crime to bring in one merry scene to set off a serious and tedious Act: But now business comes upon me so fast (Terpole) that I can stay no longer to talk with you; I am to go where neither Pope nor Emperor can send an Ambassador, and if I neglect this opportunity of putting forth myself, 'tis a question whether ever I shall come to be a Privy Counsellor, but rather there is more likelihood that I should be sent to the Isle of Silly, to negotiate there, and then you may easily smell out in what a case I should be. Terp. I have business as well as you, that calls me away. Mim. It is no state business, (I presume) for then I'll warrant you t' was likely to be well done: for Women in State affairs are like Monkeys in Glass-shops: But your business, I suppose lies in the Isle of Man not far from me, where the rest of the Sister's chiefest business use to Lie, and I know you long to be there, therefore I'll keep you no longer from it: Adieu Terpole. Terp. God be with you, (Mimologue) for you have been far enough off from him a good while, though you have been preaching (as you call it) but the nearer to the Church, the further from God (as they say) and you seem to have verified that Proverb, and so I bid you Farewell. FINIS. Gentle Reader, these faults have escaped through hasty Printing, which thou art desired to correct as thou meetest with them. IN the Title page instead of decipere read desipere, pag. 19 read v. 29. p. 20. r. Cap. 25. v. 19 p. 23. no comma at Tautologies p. 24. next laid open l. 3. these words being omitted, are to be read: And so are the Brothers, they say Truth is best represented by Eve p. 30. l. 17. no full point to be next (This) but a comma p. 37. is transposed the following page is to be read first, p. 47. l. 5. next that r. it is.