NEWS FROM THE LOWE-COUNTREYS'. OR, Podex his Encomium. HELD OUT For public Information. BY MERCURIUS LEPIDUS. Nulla cruenta canunt, caveas at, candid Lector, Carmina ni madidas dent tibi nostra genas. LONDON: Printed for W: N. 1652. M. L. TO THE READER. Scents are in Things, not Words. A Rose, or Pinck Hath no sweet smell; nor hath a— a stink In the bare Name: less, when the name doth lurk, Wrapped in clean Linen, and lets Fancy work. It will not, then, I hope, offend thy Nose, I praise Him, here, that breathes within thy Hose. PODEX HIS ENCOMIUM. OF Microcosm his chiefest Base Don Podex height, and of his Race, His Honour, Qualities, and Parts, And of his many Slights and Arts, I mean to sing. Great A-jax, Thou That knowst his Matter, Mould, and how His Humour flows, inspire my Quill, That, to this Age, it may distil, Of its long clouded Excellence, A Lick, to season every sense. When, first, the first confused Mass Did, from its mish-mash medley, pass To those four segregated forms, Whose re-commixture now informs And, Being, gives to whatsoever Subsists in this Terrestrial Sphere. And that the Arch-Thees's stolen Fire Did, first, the Thing, called Man, inspire, Podex then breathed. His shape most rare, For 'tis not oval, long, or square, trigonal, or Pentagonal, Or any of the Gones at all, But pure Orbicular: And so As an Ecliptic Line doth go, To the Autartick Pole, and frames Two semi Rotunds; But Oakes names Them Ho-rises-on-taile. Wondrous fair Is his Complexion, for the Air Doth seldom nip it, or the Sun Give it a kiss, to make it dun. His Dress is of as many kinds, As there are Nations, Modes, and Minds, Sometimes, forsooth, the Spanish Hose Doth trick him up, and there He goes; The French Trunk sometimes doth him house The Dutch Slopp, and the Irish Trouse, (That best his just proportion shows) The Scottish Brackin, (O my Toes!) The Germane, Dane, the Swisser-cut, And thousands more, together put, In rank and file, of no mean worth, Do all contend to set him forth. But above all, (and somewhat more) The she's, from ten, to twice two score, And upwards yet, most cast about How they may make him fllaunt it out: And take it in a high disdain, He should walk forth without a Train; Which close still at his heels must wait, For his more Glory, Pomp, and State. Now though indeed, he hath resort In every Place, (for Camp, and Court, The Country, City knows him well) Yet he is chief pleased to dwell In the Low-Countries, 'mong the Crew of Fat-chops, of the purest hue. This Podex is in fame, so great All Callings grace him with a Seat, What Syn'drim, Synod, Senat, State Without him ere in Council sat? What Courts of Conscience, Criminal, Pleas Common, Chequer, Admiral Do sentence give on That, or This, But Podex an Assessor is? What Conclave can, or cabal be, What Conventicle, Committee Doth hold, or meet, but Podex, there, Before all others, takes the Chair? What public show, what Masque, or Play, Ball, Banquet, Feast, Wake, Games of May; Are solemnised, for sport, or grace, But Podex still is first in place? Yet though we thus, of Podex speak, Mistake him not, or think him weak In Spirit, as if only made For Pastimes; or that duller trade Called Contemplation, that presents Language for Lances; Tubs for Tents. No, No; The highest Feats of Arms, The hottest Conflicts, and Alarms Of thundering Mars, Bellona fierce Are not without him. To rehearse His active Fortitude, would spend Quills to the stumps, and yet not end. What private challenge, Duel, Fray, Doth pass without him? What Array Of War; what March by Day or Night, What Skirmish, Battle, Onflat, Fight By Sea, or Land; What City stormed; What Fort besieged; What Deed performed Of noted Fame, in Trenches, Grafts, At Breaches, Turnepicks, Bridges, Rafts, Mines, Sconces, Passes, any where, But gallant Podex still is there? What Plot, Design of any size, What Stratagem, or Enterprise, Whether in Parties, or alone, But daring Podex still is one? What need more on this Point to tarry? Podez is an Ubiquitarry. Yet further to enlarge his Praise (Which well deserves, and wears the Bays) Know, Podex is of such high sway That Kings, when he Commands, obey: Princes, Lords, Ladies must do so, And, where he bids, not send, but go Themselves in Person, and no boot For them to scorn to trudge a foot. Coach, Horse, Sedan, and of that kind, All other Knacks must stay behind. Podex is mighty, stout, and strong To baffle All, would do him wrong. Podex is in so high request, That each one strives to please him best. Is Podex out of tune, pray tell, Who spares for Cost, to make him Well? Is Podex foul, what Dame so nice, Will scorn to wipe him once, or twice? Whom Podex once but takes to favour Podex, in loss, makes him a Savour. Podex, with every Sex, and Sort Of People, hath a loud Report. Podex is of an humble Mind, Steps not before, but comes behind, Podex yet standeth bare to None But to strong-sented Ajax's throne. Should I of all his Places speak, Pen, Ink, and Paper were to weak. What House of Office in the Land, But Podex, therein, hath Command? Podex, a Statist, much of Note, Doth in all Privy-Councells Vote. Podez a Judge is, that decrees, Without respects, or bribes, or fees, A Habeas Corpus, on a pain None ere incurred without a Stain. Podex is Doctor of the Chair, And where he speaks hold your Tongue there. Podex a Lawyer is, your Case Can clear at any Time and Place. And when occasion rightly needs In Fee-tail best can draw your Deeds. Podex's-a Herald, Aeolus, By him, Proclaims his Hests to us, From his Culabrian snowy Cliff, A Zone more hot than Teneriff. Podex is a Physician, much Cures colics, Belly-Ach, and such. Podex a Soldier is, doth keep His Watch and Rounds whilst you do sleep. Podex's a Sergeant, whose Arrest Admits no Bail, To go is best. But by the way, ere I proceed With Podex further, let his Seed, His Brood, his Offspring, Issue, be Made known to You. Yet (let me see) It is so numerous, so great, So strange, so divers to repeat, That should I go this task about I ne'er should find a clean way out. Take Notice only, for his grace, That that which takes the chiefest place, As most in power, strength, and Sense, A Knight is, called, Sir Reverence. Come to his Parts. Can any dance The Spanish Pavin, tricks of France, The Scottish Jig, the Irish Trot, And thousands more: And Podex not? Can any fence, or vault, or ride, But Podex, there, is in his Pride? Podex a Linguist is, affects To speak in sundry Dialects. Podex is versed, in Grammar, Well, His every Part of Speech can tell: Knows all his Rules, among the rest, Ease in praesenti, likes him best. And Priscian (be it no disgrace) Dares hardly lok him in the face. Podex in Ret'rick hath a Vein Oft uttering in a fluent strain. His Elocutions Excellence The object is of every Sense. You may there, taste, touch, smell, see, hear: The Schoolmen but affect the Ear. Podex, in Logic, is profound, His Syllogisms are strong, and sound. Festino a main Figure is He loves, and sometimes * Disamis Does-amisse. His force doth in Bocardo lie; And bears all out with, * Datist. That— is— I. Music doth Podex so delight, He sings by Day, he sings by Night; He sings with All, in every Place, All kind of Parts; His chief is Base. Knows Thirds, Fifths, Eights, Rests, Mood and Time: His Gam-ut can descend and climb. If to Arithmetic you come, Podex can cast, can clear a sum. Add, Multiply, Subtract, Divide; Work still to the Sinister side. The Rules of Fellowship, of Three, And more to him familiar be. Podex is for Geometry, Shows Area, shows Periphery. Shows Circle, Centre, Parallels; Shows the Diameter, (that tells How to split justly Rounds in Two:) And shows you more the I will do. Talk of Astronomy, and there Podex excels; Displays the Sphere, Its Motions, Constellations, Range, Eclipses, Changes: Shows (O strange!) The Smooth-faced Twins, the milky way, The Pole, the Line, and such as they. hall not then Podex for his parts Be styled Master in the Arts? Nay rather make their number even, By adding Podex to the Seven. Podex is Liberal, and may Better be called, Arse, than They. Something of Podex yet I find, Of no small Moment, left behind, His Slights and Arts. But who should tell, All, would a Volume vastly Swell. True Symmetry, 'tis truly Said, Will, by the Foot, describe the Head. It shall suffice, that, by a Spole, A Sense acute may sent the Hole. Podex an Archer is, of Those That aim at Heel, and hit the Nose. Podox is a Perfumer, vents Strong, and of sundry sorts of Sents. Podex a Painter is, can lay Colours, as well By Night as Day. Podex is a rare Pilot, knows Whence the Wind comes, and where it blows. Is for all weathers, sometimes sails With gentle, sometimes blust'ring Gales. His steady Course doth seldom stoop, For he hath still the Wind in Poop. Podex's a Husbandman, can soil His Ground with ease when others toil. Podex a Tucker is, and knows A speedy way to thicken . Podex's a Chandler, and you may Fetch much-Turd there, fresh every Day. Podex a Trumpeter is too, And blows as strong as you can do. Podex is,— Nay I fain would know, What Podex is not? Which to show But in the Negative, would more Puzzle the Brain, then what, before, Of him is said. In this, conclude, That High, and Low, the filled, the rude, The rich, the poor, the foul, the fair, The-All the World, his Vassals are. Who dares withstand his force and might If once he says, You must go— Walk? Podex then only doth surmount, Podex is sole Lord Paramount. Podex still moans within his Sphere; Podex is Podex every where. Podex shall breathe in spite of Fate, While Tails do croak, and Tongues do prate. FINIS. PODEX His Vindication. IF carping Momes shall flirt in Podex's face A Flout, to blur his Matter with Disgrace: Podex, with a full Breath, reflurts it back Into their Teeth, that so much wit do lack. Sense queinter Pens have not disdained the grain Of stuffs as course as this: And, to this strain, The Prince of modern English Poets hath, In his, termed, Famous Voyage, traced a Path. M. L. His Salutiferous Advice to the Feminine Gender. When Podex stout shall cease to speak. Then, not before, your Hearts will break. Take therefore care (you simpering Ones) He still may breathe longwinded Tones. No Music, were it of the Spheres, Can, with like Raptures, charm your Ears. No Eastern Sweets, or Fragrant Rose Can more affect, and catch your Nose. These only please th' Externall Sense: Those have intrinsic Excellence. They oft let lose, where you are bound: And, if distempered, make you sound. Podex, your Minion, charged, will give True strong Reports, That still you live. Which if some chance to take in snuff, Cry, Cladius, and it is enough. FINIS.