NEWS, True News, Laudable News, City News, Court News, Country News: The World is mad, or it is a mad World my Masters, especially now when in the Antipodes these things are come to pass.  
LONDON, Printed for F. Cowles, T. Bates, and T. Banks. MDCXLII.   

NEWS, True News, Laudable News, City News, Court News, Country News: The World is mad, or it is a mad World my Masters, especially now when in the Antipodes these things are come to pass.  
THere are many whose brains are bewictht with reading Histories of great Travellers and their discoveries, that wonder at Mandeviles Relation of strange wildernesses full of wonderful wild beasts, and of Countries where the Geese had heads, and Hens bore more wool than sheep, which whether they deserve credit or no, is unknown to most understandings. But if you would have just and true cause of admiration, look for it in this Relation of a most certain and real Country called the Antipodes, a Country furthest distant, foot to foot against our Region; the poople whereof in outward seature, language and religion, resemble those to whom they are supposite or underneath, as those under England are like to the English, but in their manners, carriage, and condition of life extremely contrary, for there the people rule the Magistrates, the women overrule the men, Maids woo the Bachelors; and it is most probable, the wives lie uppermost, and at Gossips feasts the men do all little-tattle duties; and the women instead of lying in, lie out, and let out their fore-rooms, and lie backwards themselves, for their husband's advantage; and their husbands lie a-bed in their rooms the whole month, while the women, hunt, hawk, and take their pleasures; and generally they carry themselves in life and conversation quite contrary to the English fashion.  
And first, to describe the manner of the City, the Governor there doth nothing but jeer the Delinquent, and is not guided by the Laws, but his own pleasure to give judgement: the Aldermen there want money and wit, all the City Poets are Puritans; the Gentlemen there entreat Sergeants to arrest them, and the Sergeants will by no means do it, if they have a little conniving money given them before they arrest the party. The Maids there correct and command their Ladies and Mistresses, and sometimes lie with their Masters, 'tis allowed. Young men are the Lords of misrule, and the old men their fathers are put to School again, with a piece of bread and butter in their hands, like towne-borne children, whither they go every day with satchels at their backs, and bottles in their hands. Citizen's will give rich wares to Gallants to lie with their wives, and if they receive them, and afterwards do not perform their wife's business, ipso facto, the Citizens arrest them and sue them, and recover costs and damages of them for not making them Cuckolds.  
Lawyer's there think themselves much abused, if you offer them any fees, and unless you keep your money, you cannot retain a Lawyer there. Feathermen and Tailors will trust out their commodities with much cheefulnesse and willingness, and afterward Captains and roaring Blades are feign to have an action of trespass against the owners of the wares, for troubling them with importunate requests to pay them no money, but take longer day, a very easy request: but yet their Captains are sometimes beat and kicked down stairs, for offering to pay money.  
The Beggars are the most absolute Courtiers in the Antipodes, and again in a contrary manner the Courtiers are the best Beggars: The Beggars also in the Antipodes will walk abroad to fee Lawyers, but the Lawyers will take no money, and so the Lawyers there prove Beggars, and the Beggars only thrive by going to Law: and as here Gallants follow Lawyers, and the Beggars them, so there the Lawyer is followed by the Beggar, and the Gentleman follows him: and moreover, all the money that the Lawyers receive of Beggars, of whom they only receive money, they send it all up to other Lawyers to stop their mouths, that curse poor Clients that are put upon them in forma pauperis.  
Now these Beggars that do thus get aforehand to follow suits of Law, do receive the greatest benevolence of Usurers, and who do you think these Usurers are there? even younger Brothers, Soldiers, Courtiers, and some grave and pious Churchmen; thus there is a fine contrariety in all things. As for example, a young Boy that hath no hope of beard, will keep an old servant whom he calls Boy, and abuse him at his pleasure: and you cannot walk the streets, but presently some hand some Gentlewoman will take you up, carry you to the Tavern, woo you, nay and be ready to do you, and afterward carry you home to her lodging, and for a night's activity give you your morning's breakfast with a piece or two of gold, and you will say that's pretty.  
Moreover, in the Antipodes Merchants wives do deal abroad beyond seas, while their husband's cuckold them at home. And cuckold-making is held there in great reputation, so that all your old men do marry Girls, and old women Boys, as if generation were only to be maintained by Cuckold-making. Divines are there the greatest wranglers in Lawsuits, and you have not there a Gentleman in debt, though Citizens haunt them with cap in hand to take their wares on credit.  
Besides, there are in the Antipodes women Foncers, that will venture with loss of blood to play Prizes, while the men keep School, and teach Needlework; and the men are as arrant Scolds as the women are here, and are often ducked for scolding. And in the Antipodes you shall see a sick man give counsel to a Physician, and a Puritan Trades-man teach a great Traveller how to lie, a Schismatic teach a Scrivener how to keep his ears, and an old Usurer how to keep his bags of money out of a Bush; a Parish Clerk there gives the rudiments of Military Discipline to a General: and it is a common thing for a Basketmaker, or a Feltmaker, to confute Bellarmine in two words, saying; Bellarmine thou liest. In the Antipodes every Cooler and Button-maker will get into a Tub, and talk to the people of Divine matters, while Scholars walk up and down in silence, or else are feign to cry Small coal.  
As for Love matters, the women generally woo the men, struck them and kiss them, and will tempt them unto wanton dalliance, they make the men joynctures, and the husbands give their wife's portions, and sometimes the men wear petticoats, and the wives wear the breeches; and they think it a disgrace to many a maid that has not played the feat before hand and lost her maidenhead, which is called in the Antipodes Pie-corner Law. Rich men there marry beggars, and Beggars there ride a wooing to old Ladies. They choose poor honest men to be common Counsel men, and the arrantest drunkards are always made Constables, that they may the better reel away, commanding others to aid them, and young boys are watchmen, Old stolen Chambermaids that are like a broken wicker Bottle do there become Citizens wives, and old widows in the Antipodes do marry younger brothers, only for the recreation of their old worn bodies: You may drink in the Antipodes all day long in a Tavern, and though you pay nothing you shall be very welcome, especially if you have a whore with you, for than you shall be lighted home to your chamber.  
And for Traylers, there be them in the Antipodes that make suits on purpose for gentlemen, which they take up, and never pay for then, it is the fashion. The women there usher the men and the men come behind, and carry up their trains, holding their wives Fan in their hands, and when they look back they put off their hats, and stand bare like serving-men. The Prentices here domineer over their Masters, scorning to carry water, or sweep their doors, or be out of the fashion, and while Master's stay at home in their shops, they walk abroad like Freemen, and take their pleasure with their wenches. It is held a very comely sight in the Antipodes to see a man in bad apparel, and a cloak lined with plush shall not be respected so much as a beggar that hath money. Carmen in the City of the Antipodes do not load their horses, but come whistling after the Cart; and their horses have almost as much understanding as their Masters. The Mercers and Drapers will have their wives sit always in their Sellers, but never in their Shops; and he that proves a Bankrupt, or most refractory; is made the soon Warden of their Company. Your Cooks go there in white satin doublets, very neat and spruce, and your Barbers are very slovens, and as greasy as any Sculliions. Whores there are in great esteem, and ride in Chariots, and go there as demurely dressed as any Nuns, and are called holy Sisters. Your gallants there are mighty precise, and will run away from a whore, while a sort of people called Roundheads are your only private Gallants for keeping of wenches. Your Merchants in the Antipodes live in great ease and wealth, whiles their wives venture their commodities abroad, and trade in all countries. There is no striving in the Antipodes either to be Clarks or Churchwardens for those places are always conferred upon most undeserving fellows: The Clerks can hardly read, and those Churchwardens are only thought worshipful, that do cousin the poor, and after sell the bells, and then break in policy; for breaking in the Antipodes is held one of the best trades, in these times; and to shut up shops in the morning, and compound for a noble in the pound, before night: this is held deep policy, and they can bring Scripture for it too: and to conclude the City customs, the Hangman in the City of the Antipodes is accounted the chief Physician, because he cures all the vicious humours and knaveries of the Commonwealth, and can make a Deputy of any man.  
Now for the Court, the fashions there are also retrograde, and contrary to other countries: there is a very miserable house kept there, so that Citizens coming to Court, and finding not satisfaction according to their own stomaches, they depart thence very much discontended. In the Court of Antipodes, you shall see watermens, and country fellow's complementing together with great ceremony, and conferring of passages of State and Court-news, whiles the Courtiers play at push-pin, nine-pins, and Pidgeon-holes; and sometimes about trifling matters they go together by the ears, and the proudest that is doth sometimes get a fall. In the Court of Antipodes you cannot have an office for any money, unless you be of the Arminian garb; saying, ye shall pray, and pray, yea cringing and bowing to the Altar: but if you are bashful, and stand behind a door, whistling Fortune my foe, you shall presently be put in some great place. Great Ladies do never come to the Court of Antipodes, but milkmaids in white wascoats and red petticoats, who know how to compliment and speak French, and are carried about in Coaches, and Sedans by patent. The Court fool in the Antipodes goes in the habit of a Cardinal or Bishop and will discourse of all serious matters, and pleases the Court with a formal ignorance. The Bishops there be all honest, preaching Bishops, not studying Court policy, but preferring solid divinity: there is not one of them suspected to have a Pope in his belly, and an Altar in his chamber: All the Chronicles of the Antipodes, that ever were heard of, or read in, that ever any Bishops for their goodness were committed to safe custody; here a bishop once paid the fool sound; now the fool laughs in his sleeve, and asks, Who is the fool now? There is nothing but fasting days in the Court of Antipodes, so that all the Courtiers look very lean, and are nothing given to the flesh, but only of one side. The black guard are here all white men, and are never drunk but on a Coronation day, and at other times they serve for Laundresses, while the Laundresses show their skill in scouring the Court spits, and dripping pans. If you are a stranger, the Courtiers will carry you in to dinner, although you have no friend at Court but of all things they cannot endure Citizens wives in the Court of Antipodes. Footmen and horse-keepers do there hare whore's extremely, so that before they will lie with a whore, they will rather lie in the stable amongst their horses Now the King of this Country of Antipodes is a Prince so full of virtue, that he is beloved and admired of most of his subjects; he is a pattern to his servants, and an example to all Princes whatsoever: for he always keeps himself in an excellent temper, and no one vanity reigns in him: and whereas before he was attended with large multitudes, he now desires no company; if any one offend him, he is so patiented and gracious that he will not offend any of his Subjects, but whereas he should pardon them, he desires they should need no pardon; he goes and means as plain as any common man, and takes his progress always in the winter: evil people dare not come near him; or if they do, he gives them no countenance: and when in his travails he sees great company of people gathered together, he cries God bless my loving subjects, before they can say, God save the King. In Antipodes the King seldom hunts, but the people hunt all sort of beasts, but especially the Fox: Any of his subjects dare do more than he doth and not be questioned neither.  
The King of Antipodes hath no players, but every one of his subjects strains to act a part that may please him: Some play Citizens, some country men, some courtiers, and some soldiers, but all in conclusion give the King great content. He never uses any guard about him, but a certain company of young men, who are called the guard of love, and when he rides abroad, these stay at home, and other guards meet him by the way.  
And as for beggars they will presume in the Antipodes to come into the King's presence, while Gentlemen are thrust out, until the King doth entreat his Courtiers and subjects to be obedient. In the Antipodes the King is the poorest, and cares no more for pride and ambitious honour, than if he were no King, and lives under no vanity, and guilty of no crime, there being more pride a great deal in his common subjects, both in their own and wife's apparel.  
Religion that was heretofore contrary unto true Divinity, shall be now Regulated and an ended, and made conformable to Divine. Scriptures; and whereas before vice, and folly, and bribery bore sway through many Arbitrary Courts of the whole Antipodes, it shall be so no more; but godliness shall be planted in every corner thereof: so that this confused Country of Antipodes where Bishops were, and where Divines were Usurers, Gentlemen were Beggars, Prentices were Masters, Knaves got Offices, women, madmen, Magistrates did injustice, and the common people and Brewer's Clarks would needs be Priests, and maintain that there is not one honest man now living there, that was made a Minister by a Bishop which is surviving, and so all things were carried in a contrary manner to law, equity, and reason.  
Now the King of the Antipodes hath given Order, that this Country shall in all points be reduced to the form and fashion of this upper England: So that now one Sergeant shall affright half a dozen Gentlemen, as they do here in England; men shall rule their wives if they can, as they do here; beggars shall not go to Law, nor poor men taken into an Hospital and be turned out before they be well, that Lawyers shall make a thousand beggars, as they do here in England; and in like manner gentlemen shall not run from whores, but run to them as formerly; so that this Country (not so before) in fashions and manners shall now be made by Reformation as like as may be to old England; that so there may be soundness of Doctrine, and integrity of manners in the Clergy, the pure profession of the Protestant Religion in the common people, valour, virtue, and magnanimity in the Gentry, justice and uprightness of dealing in the Magistracy; unity and conformity in opinion, and matters of Religion, that so the Antipodes may flourish, and be happy as England is, under the most pious and gracious Reign of our Sovereign Lord and King.  
FINIS.