A NEW MERCURY, CALLED Mercurius Problematicus.  
Proposing several PROBLEMS; AND Resolving them by way of Quaere.  
ALSO, Two brief Characters; the one of a Cavalier, and the other of an Arch-Prelate or Bishop of these times.  

Published according to Order.   
LONDON, Printed by B. A. 1644.   

THE NEW MERCURY, OR, Mercurius Problematicus.  
Quaere. WHy was a Parliament called ●t Oxford?  
Resp. To beget a Monster, with two bodies to one head.  
Qu. Why do so many Papists go to the Protestant Church of late?  
Resp. In a reciprocal courtesy; because so many maintainers of the true Protestant Religion go to mass.  
Qu. Why do those called roundheads, refuse the book of Common Prayer.  
Resp. For the ill success of it, because their marvelous prayer for the spirit of Gods grace upon Bishops and Curates, hath produced a marvel, in the contrary sense: That they should be so long prayed for to so little purpose.  
Qu. What is a Roundhead?  
Resp. An Antagonist to a corner Cap.  
Qu. Why do Prelates wear corner Caps?  
Resp. In opposition to truth; Because truth seeks no corners.  
Qu. Why do the prelatical Protestants mu●mur so much against Preaching once a day in the Abbey at Westminster?  
Resp. Because( as they conceive) the more effectual means( the Organs) are put to silence, which were wont to pipe repentance to them, twice a day.  
Qu. Why are so many Sects crept in amongst us, when the reformation of Religion is so exactly endeavoured?  
Resp. Because when the purity of Gods worship is most in agitation, the devil is always most busy.  
Qu. Why do the Cavaliers inveigh so bitterly against preaching in Tubs?  
Resp. Because Cornelius wants them for his Patients in their Army.  
Qu. Are there any Tub Preachers?  
Resp. A ridiculous fable onely: Though in reality, it is better to speak truth in a Tub, then tell a tale of a Tub in a Pulpit, as their Chaplains do.  
Qu. Why did little Lawd take upon him the alteration of Religion, and laws?  
Resp. Because he thought himself inspired with the spirit of Balams ass, who saw more then his Master.  
Qu. Why went the Queen into France?  
Resp. To bring France hither, that their disease may lie in the bones of posterity.  
Qu. What is most preposterous and dishonourable to a politic Government?  
Resp. As to a domestic, when the wife wears the breeches.  
Qu. Why have the Iudges left Westminsterhall and gone to Oxford?  
R. To preach the Law, because the Gospel is out of request.  
Qu. What is likely to be the event of this summers war?  
R. The almanac tells you that the conjunction of Mars and Jupiter promiseth great victory; but it is over those who are under Taurus, which makes the conquest doubtful.  
Qu. Why are ●●r Reformed Officers so long unpay●?  
R. Because Reformation is better then money.  
Q. Why did the Schollers give such entertainment to the Cavaliers at Oxford?  
Resp. Because the greatest Clerkes are not always the wisest men.  
Q. What is the most certain Rule to know when the Cavaliers are beaten?  
Resp. The ringing of bells and making of bonfires at Oxford, for beating of us.  
Qu. What is become of the late Lord Keeper?  
Resp. Turned Renegado by Patent under the great Seal.  
Q. Who carries the Great Seal now?  
R. A Porter( as they say) but it is so seldom used, it lies dormant with endymion.  
Q. What vices in a King, are most obnoxious to the subject?  
R. Avarice and obstinacy.  
Q. What is the safest armor for a King?  
R. His subjects love, and a good head-piece.  
Q. What drew the King from the Parliament?  
R. His unparalleled love to them who endeavour the destruction of him and his kingdoms:  
Q. Why are such great forces raised against the Parliament?  
R. Because they will not turn traitors to their Country: which hath committed the whole business both of Church and Commonwealth, to their trust.  
Q. Why hath the Parliament sate so long, and the grievance of the subject nothing redressed, but rather increased for the present?  
R. Because they found both Church and Commwealth so poisoned, that they must first act the part of Eneas, and conquer Hell, before they can show us any Heaven.  
Q. Why doth not this consideration satisfy the muttering of the multitude?  
Resp. Because the general number do naturally look upon their own particular detriment and danger, with a more accentive eye then upon the public; and the present, rather then the future.  
Qu. Why can there no Balm be sound in Gilead, to cure these wounds?  
Resp. Because they are so imposthumated there is no cure for them, but corrosives and Lancings, which is our greatest misery.  
Qu. Who are the chief fomenters of these unnatural and inreconcileable combustions?  
Resp. Rehoboams Councellors, and Ieroboams Calves: The Cavaliers and Prelates. With which I will conclude thus; 
When two Kings Vices meet in one,  
The burden makes the Subject groan.   

A brief Character of a Cavalier of these times.  
A Cavalier of these times, appears like a burning Beacon; which makes all men expect some approaching mischief. He tells you, he fights for the King and his laws, yet obeys none, but stands upon his own prerogative: For Rapine is his Vocation, and murder his Recreation; imbruing his hand in the blood of his Country with as much delight, as if Beati-bollifaci were the truest Motto. If Common Prayers be suppressed, his devotion is almost silenced; for he hath but one prayer for himself, and a very short one, but that I confess is often in his mouth, and continually in his actions, which is God dam him. He loves his King as he doth his Whore, expressing to both a feigned fidelity, onely to satisfy his unlawful appetites, which being done, he regards both alike. If he conquer any man that appears religious, it is argument enough to give no quarter, but minse him into atoms: And he shows his greatest contrition, when at any time he lets a Roundhead escape unkilled, for he never repents hearty, but of that sin. He believes there is no such way to know a good subject, as drinking a health to the Parliaments confusion; Nor any such Traitor as he which denies it.  
To conclude, wheresoever he finds the fruits of other mens labours, he plays the Monopolist; Robs and kills by Patent, cries all flesh is grass fit for his moweing, and his Sword is his Sythe.   

A Character of a Prelate of these times.  
A Prelate of these times, is between Church and Commonwealth a true Hiroglyphick of the Tribe of Isicar, an ass cowchant between two burdens. When he comes to be made a Bishop, he does as Maids do, says no and takes it; so after he has denied it thrice, he pretends the fourth time to undertake it unwillingly, with Nolens volo in his mouth, though he bought it at a dear rate before he came thither, and so becomes a liar both to God and man: Yet to give him his due, he will by no means be guilty of a twofold Simony, for though he follow the example of Simon Magus in his money, yet will he never follow the example of Simon Peter, in preaching the gospel; nor in any thing, but in denying his Master: when he comes to Repentance, he leaves him and his Cock together; for he is so in love with Dominion, he cannot endure to be over-crowed. And for feeding his Sheep, he follows the way of St. John in teaching love, and bids them feed one another: But will be sure to feed himself, because Charity begins at home. He is called a Lord spiritual, yet cannot abide any man that prays by the Spirit, for he thinks that ridiculous, but holds it a mortal sin to pray for any thing, if it be but a shower of Rain, or a fair day, except it be according to the usual form of the Church; though now he has prayed so often in his litany, like a great bellied wise for a safe deliverance, that he begins to fear he shall suffer Abortion, and be delivered before his time of his Episcoty Twins( Honour and Immunity) with which he would willingly be labouring, or at least loitering all the dayes of his life. In brief, he is so distasteful a Member both in Church and Commonwealth, that wheresoever he sets his foot, he leaves an ill relish behind him; And may justly be concluded with the wicked man in the words of the Psalmist: He lies upon his Bed and imagineth mischief, and his soul abhors nothing that is evil.   
FINIS.