The Oxford Character Of the London diurnal Examined and Answered.  
CErtainly all is not well with the Gentlemen at Oxford, for another Court Rabshekah rails, raves, bites his tongue, tears his hair, rents his clothes, and discovers his own nakedness. Much of what is uttered by him is like the unshapen whelp of a bear not lick, requiring pains to form it into an intelligible shape: it being much easier to translate rabelais his French into English, then to interpret a sense of some part thereof. It is called, The Character of a London diurnal, and beginneth thus; A diurnal is a puny Chronicle scarce pen feathered with the wings of Time, It is an History in Sippits, The English Iliads in a nut-shell, The apocryphal Parliaments book of Maccabees in single sheets. Inconsiderate man, have you at Oxford any Chronicle penfeathered with the wings of Time, which is as ancient as the world itself? I never heard of nor saw such an History, one onely excepted, The holy Scripture, and that I much doubt whether you suffer to be among you; I am very sure you seldom look into it. And yet our journal is elder brother unto Aulicus by much, who I believe was begotten at Oxford( though illegitimately) in envy of ours at London of honest parentage. By the expression of a History in Sippets, I suppose who the Author is, A very Iack-sauce, who loves eating better then fighting; and because he hath not a heart fit for his stomach, and dares not fight, knows that this trade of lying, slandering▪ and blaspheming, is counted a virtue parallel to valour among the Cavaliers. This is he that was Praefectus Ale in Trumpington street, I will aba●e him not an Ace of it. To the next I answer, that it is no dishonour to comprehend an Iliad in a Nut-shell, a great matter in little space. You have forgotten yourself: If you had said, There had been a shell wit●o●● a kernel, a little City running out of huge gates, a Pigmy in the armor of H●rcu●●s, it had b●en somewhat to your purpose. But what could more have been ●●●d for us, then to call ours by such a name, in so small a volume where lay so much worth. Your journal, I confess, takes extreme pains all the week, and beginneth the journey upon sundays, and for want of truth and honesty in stead of a History presents to the Reader a Legend of lies, an Ili●s me●daci●r●m; even their skind lies at the best, hiding from us chased and naked truth. A book that is a vessel full of lies, where if there be by chance any letter of truth▪ it maketh it stink s●) abominably, that the Malignan●s of late begin to stop their ●●ses, and call awl 〈…〉 A stinking liar. The Apo●ryphall Parliament, &c. How dares this man give his majesty the lie, or call him Dissembler, who hath sundry times in Letters and Treaties and in a ●reaty very lately, acknowledged a Parliament at Westminster. And ●f Antiquity will d●scerne betwixt what is authentic and that which is counterfeit, we at Westminster may claim priority to the sitting of ●xf●rd, beside royal Text, and that even from the very beginning of the pr●s●nt Parliament: A Parliament to be holden at Westminster the 2. of November, with the subs●ription of Carolus Rex. An Act against the High Commission. Votes of Bishops in the Parliament, &c. with Carolus Rex. Letters to the Lo●ds and Commons assembled together in the Parliament at Westminster, with Carolus R●x. All this is canonical, and in your phrase we have not only the consent, but the Law of Jupiter▪ therefore is there at Westminster no Apocryp●all Pa●l●ament. It is an open Parliament where Lords, Knights, and Gentlemen sit together in the accustomend place, the Hous●s well known by that name many ages, You scarce dare declare where you sit, is it not in a Dining Room, I pray? Your apocryphal Parliament was convened by the counsel of the King of spain, and his slaves the J●suits and directed by their Instruments Francis Cottington, sometime Spanish ambassador, Endymion Porter of Spanish b●ood, and the Spanish Conclave of English Scotish, and Irish Priests and I●suits and the Doctrine thereof confirmed by the blood of desperate Villains, Papists of the three Kingdoms, most eagerly by inhuman and barbarous Irish. Neither was the Parliament to be dissolved Adjourned or Prorogued without the consent of them that never ye● gav● consent to the adjourning it to Oxford. And if apocryphal be hidden, who need doubt that the D●n●ng Rome Guests at Oxford are of that Parliament for the greatest part of the year they are run away, alias, have adjourned. Lastly, it ●s no great matter to be apocryphal at Oxford, there apocryphal Sufanna is currant Scripture, if not better then any part of Gods Word. For Maccabees, Iudas Cottington, Porter, three Digbies, &c. are more orthodox with you then King, and I●dges. That you have no cause to be offended with an Apocr●phall Parliament, who ●ove Apocrypha so well, that you tear in pieces thos● Bibles which are without it.  
It w●uld tyre a w●lsh Pedigree to reckon how many Ap● ti● remove● from an Annall &c. Something the brain of this Jupiter hath conceived, but cannot bring it forth. Surely he meaneth our journal is a little Annall▪ or such like: If he had latin enough, he would call the child with which he laboureth, ●f he could speak, Ephemeris, or A Diary; and such a body is big enough for a conception of six dayes. But you see( Reader) the mountain of his head hath not brought forth a mouse, although the ass hath delivered himself of Are.  
It may be the legislative Lady is of that Image, &c. Oh now I see how the world goes, this Lady Beligia will perhaps sand no more arms to  shed the blood of Britains, that plucked her out of the mouth of the Spanish Lion. Was it any dishonour to be of her race that hath opposed Tyranny, and maintaineth liberty.  
In the Frontispiece of the old Beldame diurnal sits the House of Commons judging the twelve Tribes of Israel. How cometh it to pass that those at Oxford are offended with pictures? Are the painted papistical Windows of Christ-Church and Magdalen college broken in pieces? Are the Crucifixes and Images defaced? What is the matter? It may be, and perhaps it is so( for by the savage depor●ment of Greenvile, and Hopton, one may easily conjecture so much) that the Cavaliers are by accustoming themselves turned Turkes, and they allow no Images; and sure I am these hate the Image of God in any man. Now I have found it out, they cannot endure the Parliament should sit as Judge, they have such guilty Consciences. Be contented, it must be so: Not all the Tribes, but the idolatrous scattered Tribes; those which are honest need not be afraid, but such as are bloody Papists of England and Scotland, Rebels who have armed themselves against their Protectors, Kindle-Coles of civill war, and among and above the rest the Barbarous Bloody, Our good subjects of Ireland.  
And th●se grave Rabb●es, though in Divinity, trade in no larger Authors. If the learning of the Members of our Assembly were parallel to Heylings; Stewards, P●cklington, Cozens, &c. whose Scripture is Aquinas, Lombard, Durand, &c. and their Devotion the Matins and Even-song, and the Common-prayer book, and their various reading not beyond the hounds of a Common-place book, I might be sooner induced to believe you speak the truth. But since, for all such as shall be admitted into colleges and benefice, a sweeter examination is enjoined then ever was expected in colleges or Bishops Houses. What name soever you give to our Assembly, slander not their learning.  
The next ingredient of a diurnal i● Plots, terrible Plots, &c. Nothing grieves your Masters more, then that there are here Gunpowder makers, who cans●mell a plot before the powder stinks. Tell me, was not Master Waller in a plot, and a great Complottor? believe not me▪ believe his confession. Did not Chall●ner confess, and repent of a plot? Indeed some of yours were guilty of that folly, as to deny their Conspirators, whe● the Authors that set them on work could not help them. No wonder that such persons, who have been notorious in their lives, and have not voluntarily confessed their Treasons, but have been taken in them, should die confessors. And yet we can show the Letters of H●thams own hand-writing, witnesses of his plots to betray Hull: The hand of Digby for the betraying of Abingdon to colonel brown, and setting the snare to betray him also,  
The onely Play-house is at Westminster. You say very true, it is the great barn in Witehall, since the State hath pulled down the Globe, Blackfryers, the Fortune, and I make no question that wooden babel shall be no eye-sore to you; there shall be no more playing or dancing there believe it.  
A zealous Botcher in Morefields, whiles he was contriving some Quirpocut of Church government by the help of his out-lying ears, &c. I pray thee tell me, Who now informeth His majesty? Is it not the council at Brussels afar off, the Jesuits, Cottington, and Porter. betwixt hid, Culpepper, and Nicholas, or some of their Clerks? And who cuts out the Church-government for you, if not the whore of Rome? And who fashioneth it, but your Spanish English Taylors?  
Besides the opportunity of reforming those Beasts of the Prerogative, and changing their profaner names of Harry and Charles into Nehemiah and Eleazar. Fie, do not mistake, there are no Beasts in the Tower of that Sex. I know that the Beast with seven heads and ten horns is become a Beast of prerogative; the beastly French and barbarous Irish are beasts of prerogative. Into Nehemiah and Eleazar, you would say Ezra in stead of Eltazar. But it an easy thing to mistake the wrong who never heard of the right; He who never nameth the Scripture but to bely or profane it. But although there are no Lions that are Masculine now in the Tower, there are divers sitting and couching secure at Westminster, that most worthily deserve the names of Nehemiah and Ezra. Touching him you are pleased to call Little Isaac, and mis-call by a dishonourable description, it appeareth you are extremely straitned for matter of disgrace wherewith to upbraid us, when you lay it upon a worthy and eminent person, whom impudent Aulicus could not find cause enough in that kind to cast suspicion upon. Certainly, as before when you name Eleazar you meant Ezra, so now you name Isaac and mean some other person at Oxford.  
Thus the Quixots of this age fight with the windmills of their own brains. My friend, the Sots of this age and kingdom, yea the greatest( I think) of all ages are such who believe that papists will fight for the Protestant Religion, for the overthrow whereof they conspired the death divers times of queen Elizabeth and King james; and that Irish Villains, who have ravished our Wives and Daughters, have mangled and murdered our English Men and Women, no way more hurtful unto them then those that now in England join with them, nor of any other opinion then what at Oxford is pretended to be fought for, should out of zeal to the English Nation a protestant Religion, fight for King Charles against His Parliament.  
Ile present them in their order; and first as a Whifler before a show: enter Stamford, one that trod the stage with the first, traversed his ground, made a leg, and exit. You are out again, Henry earl of Stamford could not be spared from Westminster, I saw him in London yesterday: wherefore your exit belongeth not to him. But the earl of Newcastle, the brave marquis of Newcastle, which made the fine plays, he danced so quaintly, played his part a while in the North, was soundly beaten, shew'd a pair of heels, and exit Newcastle. Cum Widdrington, Bramhalt, & Caeteris to Derhurst faire. Here was a crew exit. Tell me, which of ours hath done the like?  
There was a Vote passing to translate him, and all his equipage, into menumentall Gingerbread, &c. His Lordships honour is engraven in firmer stuff then this, of which all your new Lords and Knights, and many your old ones are made. This new made honour at Oxford, moulded and baked there, is crumbled away at Westminster, and this is the very thing that makes them bite their tongues, and say, It is Gingerbread.  
room for the prodigy of valour, Madam Atropos in breeches, Wallers Knight errandry. ask Hopton if Sir William Waller be not valiant, he will confess that Sir William put him into an extreme fit of an ague at Cheriton hill, where the Rowlands, Tristrams, and Olivers, made the Parliament sorces run and ride after them, and in that Hopton quietted the minds of some of his Malignant Country friends, who wondered to see their bragging Champions make such speed, by saying, They came to try whether of the two Armies horses were swi●est, and to beate them with riding, not with fighting. Sadly, neither the presence of the great general Ruthen, nor the false rumour published thorough their Army, of the utter overthrow of the Scots, could restrain them from flight, before they had lost one hundred men. Neither will I forget Sir Arthur Hasterig, canst thou have the face to say he will not fight? he, who brought honourable testimonies of his valour from Landsdowne, more honourable then Hoptons scalded face, which was no emblem of honour.  
As Hopkins and Sternhold murder the psalms, with another to the same. This libeler defileth the sacred ashes of our most memorable English Psalmists, when he had cast filth upon the honour and innocence of the living, living and dead, friend and foe; he spares none, but beats all, even now he called Aulicus Witch, and white devil.  
Tell me, how do Hopkins and Sternchold murder the psalms? thou obedient son of the Church, read, does not the Common-Prayer book for which you fight, tell thee that the psalms were translated by Hopkins and Sternhold, conferred with the Hebrew, and allowed to be sung in Churches? hear you great Fathers, Archbishops, Bishops, Deans, &c. now your Common-prayer book is not guilty of Felony but of Murder, by the confession of your own; you allow to be sung in Churches the murders of the psalms, and for the truth of the Translation this Gentleman findeth them differing from their original, although he understand none of the Language. No, no, you hate the psalms, but pretend it to be onely for the Translators sake, and yet none of your holy men have brought these psalms to life again.  
There Haslerigs Lobsters were turned into Crabs, and crawled backward. Crawling backward is an exceeding moderate retreat; it seems they never ran for it, as you did at Cheriton hill; I dare swear, that speed which was then used, was beyond the motion of a crawling, I think we had best call it Hoptons Jigge; certainly, they were either very cruel, or very fearful, that freed a Town in their flight. These Crabs were those that bit some of their followers by the fingers at Landsdowne, that made them come bleeding into Oxford: and no wonder that these Crabs should crawl upon Cheriton hill again, for Crabs will crawl forward and backward and every way.  
This is the Will, whose Lady is the conqueror, She is so indeed, she outgoes all your Oxford Ladies in virtue, and yet is no Lady errand; why should it grieve you, that this noble Lady is a Conqueresse? is it not an honour to conquer? Fie upon your and one errand Ladies, the trophies of your Oxford victories, sent in Letters and close Coaches to London, to make trial if the mercy of the Roundheads be not greater then the honesty of the Cavaliers.  
He hath beat up his Drums clean through the old Testament, &c. Nor Rupert, nor Hopton, nor Newcastle, could ever boast so much: Rupert beat up his Drums among the beggars for his foot, Hopton among the Heathen Cornish for his, Newcastle among the infernal Colliers, and transtrentish Papists for his; and for their horse, a man may well suspect them to be cousin Iermanes to the first, they ride so fast to the devil. For can there be a cleans or better place to beat a Drum in then the old Testament, to raise an Army for the wars of the Lord? there where he is most honoured. In Cromwels Regiments there is no God-dam-me name, no Sink-me, no Confound-me, no Devil nip me by the back, no Rot me alive, name among them, no Devil suck me through a Tobacco-pipe. And no wonder those who hate the Son of God, should grieve to hear the name of any of his kindred.  
The Muster-Masters Roll( he saith) is the first of Matthew, he hath no other List.  
Indeed, neither in the genealogy, or in the Parliaments Army, are many womens names; but how many Languages must he have that can muster Ruperts Regiments? English, Irish, welsh, Scotch, French, Walloons, &c. double Regiments all, men and women. There is the lance Knight and his Uroe, the Tinker and his Trull, the del and his Doxy, the Knave and his Whore.  
With what face can they object to the King, the bringing in of foreigners, when themselves entertain such an Army of Hebrewes? But with what face can any defend the Kings arming of Papists, and shipping over to his assistance most cruel murderers to defend his Protestant Subjects of England, who at the very first renounced the arming of any such with serious Protestations; and afterwards did arm and invite such a people to his war, as not only hate the Protestant Religion but the Nation of the English? And whereas this man is much troubled with an Army of Hebrewes, repining at the very names of Hebrewes,( though our Saviour had an Hebrew name) and Hebrew studies; they endure nothing but the vulgar Roman, the smooth british, and pleasant Irish. Thus they ha●e the Scripture so much, that as good bring over an Army of Irish and Turks, as have one Hebrew name among us.  
believe him as he whistels to his Cambridge team of Committee-men, and he does wonders. Believe it, you may be sure of it; the Committee-men of Cambridge have done wonders themselves, they need no whistlers there, keep you whistler at Oxford to be your Recorder. Now for the wonders they have done, is, that a few Gentlemen in number have more prevailed with reason, in the place where they sit, then the whole apocryphal Parliament at Oxford, with all their whistlers, to contribute freely men and money, to the supportation of the kingdom and themselves.  
They riste Collidges to support learning. It is a usual thing at Oxford so to do; five hundred weight of plate from one college, four hundred from another, one thousand from another, very few have escaped their hands; if this be not to rifle colleges, what is? what else hath the University to be rifled of?  
This is he that hath put out one of the kingdoms eyes, &c. But if one of the eyes be evil, it is better to pluck it out then do worse; but hear that noble Peers oration,( the sum of it I mean) and let the indifferent judge, who spake to this purpose when he came to Cambridge? Master Vice-Chanceller, yea, the Doctors, Masters, and other Students of this University: By the Authority of both Houses of Parliament I am come hither, neither to deface the beauty, or spoil the treasure or endowments of this place, either in the whole, or any part thereof: although some part of this hath been done by others, it is not the purpose and intent of the Parliament to do, or suffer to be done any such thing; nor is it, or shall it ever be mine, who am sent hither to reform what is amisle here, only a pious tenderness, as being sensible above others, of the good and evil of this my Mother, having been a Student here not long ago. Let it not trouble you if the rank weed of Superstition shall be plucked up, as if learning must be rooted up withall. Look upon the University of Leyden in the Low-Countries, then where no Nation or University, considering the time it hath continued, and the smallness of the place, hath more abounded with learning and learned men; which is constituted under such a Government ecclesiastical, as our kingdom and this famous place( if God permit) is to be reformed into: Nay, when ungodly persons are plucked up, the good and wholesome herbs will have more room, and grow the better: but be ashamed to call such as Cozens, Beale, stern, &c. eyes of the University; if such as these be eyes, Cambridge hath more then Argus had, and can spare as many to put into the tail of the Romish Peacock. I confess Cozens was put out to grass again. Beale put out into a narrower room, for fear of leaping, others put out of their Fellowships, because they could not, keep in their tongues, but the religious have been encouraged, the sober, and our moderate adversaries have not been moved farther then to the Covenant, nor removed upon denial thereof, unless there were some other Delinquency. Many of you now at Oxford, if ye are eyes, have not only vo●untari●y put out yourselves, but have put out the eyes of Hart and james the Cambridge Carriers, who never could see their horses you borrowed of them, but rid quiter away to Oxford, you r●d from one eye to the other, and so these men were deceived the breadth of the nose.  
Brereton and Gell, two of Mars his petty toes; such snivelling cowardr &c. Impudence, call to mind the fight at Nantwich, Montgomery, and now think of Shrewsbury, and by whose valour and prudence your friends were quiter beaten out of Darbyshire, and if thou have not a Tinkers face thou wilt change thy colour.  
I wonder how Sir Thomas Fairfax came to be a babe of grace, &c. Saving your blasphemy, Sir Thomas, his valour, integrity, and constancy, brought him into grace: But I wonder how o'neill, Braddie, Muskerrie, Dilton, came into grace; Gentlemen of Ireland take heed; will you trust them that caused forty Proclamations to be printed,( wherein you and your Confederates were called Rebels) to keep their promises with you, touching the freedom of your consciences? be assured, when in public Declarations it shall be declared, That Religion shall be reformed according to the purest times of Queen Elizabeth; And that A dispensation shall be only for tender consciences, you cannot be accounted within the line of that Manifesto, that have  shed the blood of so many thousands of King Charles his Subjects without any Warrant.  
And I wonder as much how Prince Rupert comes to be a babe of grace, when not many years since he was quiter out of grace, and was sent away into Germany with a flay in his ear, by them, with whom he is now raised so high in grace, and some of the chief of that electoral family,( in whom( I doubt not) is true grace) for separating from those evil councils, are( by them) accounted not to be worthy of favour or grace.  
He calleth colonel brown a Woodmonger, and a feeble Crutch. belie him not, this gallant Colonel hath cudgeled you most valiantly, and by being a feeble crutch, upon which Digby leaning, slipped, hath raised unto himself an eternal pile of honour for his worth and integrity.  
Vouz avez Fox the Tinker, the liveliest emblem of it that may be; for what did this Parliament ever go about to reform, but Tinkerwise, in mending one hole they made three. Nos avons, Fox the Stout; abate his name only of Fox, and he is an emblem of valour; he, whose Kettle Drum hath made your Masters run for it often times. This Fox will not suffer your Dogs to kennel in his earth, if you could win him to that, then your honour at every word, and let me kiss your honoured hand, and presently metamorphize him into a beast of the Prerogative.  
Now for the holes the Parliament hath made in Cambridge, I assure you, they stop them apace. Your hole( Sir) is stopped in your college and that other hole of your mouth,( I believe) by this time; if not, pray let me hear from you.   

Printed according to Order.  
Printed, by 〈…〉. 1645.