The penniless PARLIAMENT of Threadbare Poets: OR, The merry Fortune-teller, Wherein all persons of the four several Complexions may find their FORTUNE'S.  
COMPOSED By Doctor Merry-man: Not only to purge Melancholy: but also to procure Tittering and Laughing.  
Full of witty mirth, and delightful recreation, for the content of the Reader.   depiction of Dr. Merry-man 
London, printed for John Wright, a● the King's Head in the Old Bayley, 1649. 7ber 20 1649   

Here beginneth the penniless Parliament of Threadbare Poets.  
FIrst of all, for the increase of every fool in his humour, we think it necessary and convenient that all such as do buy this Book, and laugh not at it before they have read it over, shall be condemned of melancholy, and be adjudged to walk over moorfield's twice a week in a foul shirt, and a pair of boots, but no stockings at all on.  
It is also agreed upon, that long bearded men shall seldom prove the wisest, and that a niggards purse shall scarce bequeath his Master a good dinner: and because water is like to prove so weak an Element in the world, that men and women will want tears to bewail their sins; we charge and command all Gardiner's to sow more store of Onions, for fear widows should want moisture to bewail their Husband's funerals.  
In like manner we think it sit that Red-wine should be drunk with Oysters, and that some maidens shall blush more for shame then for shamefastness: but men must have care, lest conversing too much with red Petticoats, they banish the hair from their heads, and by that means make the poor Barber's beggars for want of work.  
Furthermore, it is lawful for those women, that every morning take a pint of Muskedine with eggs, to chide as well as they that drink small beer all the winter: and those that clip that they should not clip, shall shave a horse-night-clap for their labour.  
Eentiemen that sell land for Paper, shall buy penury with repentance: and those that have most gold, shall have least grace: some that mean well, shall far worse; and he that hath no credit, shall have less e commodity.  
It is also ordered and agreed upon, that such as are choleric, shall never want woe and sorrow; and they that lack money, may fast upon Fridays by the Statute: and it shall be lawful for them that want shoes, to wear boots all the year: and he that hath never a cloak, may without offence, put on his best gown at Midsummer, witness old Prime the keeper of Bedlam Dicinghouse.  
Furthermore we think it necessary, and lawful, for the husband and wife to fall at square for superiority, in such sort as the wife shall sit playing above in the Camber, while the husband stands panting below in the Kitchen.  
Likewise we mark all Brokers to be knaves by letters patents, and Usurers for five marks a piece shall lawfully be buried in the Chancel, though they have bequeatheed their souls and bodies to the Devil in hell.  
In like manner it is thought good that it shall be lawful for Muskedines in Vintner's cellars, to indite their Masters of commixtion, and Sergeants shall be contented to arrest any man for his fees: Alewives shall sell flesh on Fridays without licence, and such as sell Beer in half penny pots, shall utter Bread and Cheese for money throughout the whole year: and those that are past honesty and shame, shall smile at sin: and they that care not for God, prefer their money before any good conscience.  
Furthermore it shall be lawful for Footstools (by the help of women's hands) to fly about without wings, and poor men shall be accounted knaves without occasions: and those that flatter least, shall speed worst: and Pigs by the statute shall dance the Antics with bells about their necks, to the wonder and amazemen of all Swineherds.  
In like manner it is convenient that many men shall wear hoads that have little learning: and some surfeit so much upon wit, and strive so long against the stream, as at last their necks shall fail them: some shall build fair houses by brides, and gather much wealth by contention, and before they be ware heap up riches for another, and wretchedness for themselves.  
Furthermore it shall be established, for the benefit of increase, that some shall have a Limpany in their bellies, which will cost them a Child bearing; and though the Father bear all the charges, it shall be a wise Child that shall know his own Father.  
It shall be lawful for some to have the palsy in their teeth, in such sort, as they shall eat more than ever they will be able to pay for.  
Some shall have such a Megram in their eyes, as they shall hardly know another man's wife from their own.  
Some shall have such a stopping in their hearts, as they shall be utterly obstinate to receive grace.  
Some sort of people shall have such a buzzing in their ears, as they shall be enemies to good counsel.  
Some such there be, that have a sent or smell in their noses, as no feast shall escape without their companies: and some shall be so needy, as neither young Heirs shall get their own, nor poor Ophants their patrimony.  
Also, it is enacted and decreed, that some shall be so humorous in their walks, as they cannot step one foot from a fool.  
Some so disguised in purse, as they count it fatal to have one penny to buy their dinners on Sundays: some so burdened in conscience, as they count wrongful dealing the best badge of their occupation.  
But amongst other Laws and Statutes by us here established we think it most necessary and convenient that poulterers shall kill more innocent Poultry by custom, than their wives and maids can sell without good conscience.  
Also it is ordered and agreed upon, that Bakers, Woodmongers, Butchers, Brewers, shall fall to a mighty conspiracy, so that no man shall either have bread, fire, meat or drink, without credit or ready money.  
Sycophants by the Statute shall have great gifts, and good and godly labours shall scarce be worth thanks: it is also thought necessary, that maids about midnight shall see wondrous visions, to the great heart-grief of their mothers.  
Furthermore it is marked and set down, that if Lawyers plead poor men's causes without money, Westminster hall shall grow out of custom, to the great impoverishing of all Nimmers, Lifters, and Cutpurses.  
Those that sing bases, shall love good drink by authority: and Trumpeters that sound Triple, shall starve by custom.  
Women that beware long Gowns may lawfully raise dust in March: and they that keep a temperate diet, shall never die on surfeits.  
In like manner it shall be lawful for Sailors and Soldiers, to spend at their pleasures what they can get by their Sword: and if the Treasurer or purser of the ship pay them any money beyond count and reckoning, if they build not an Hospital therewith, they may bestow it on apparel by the Statute.  
It is furthermore established and agreed upon, that they that drink too much Spanish Sacks, shall about july be served with a Fiery Fancies: but Oh you Ale-knights, you that devour the marrow of the Malt, and drink whole Ale tubs in consumptions; and such that use to sing Queen Dido over a Cup, and tell strange news over an Ale-pot, how unfortunate are you! who shall piss out that which you have swallowed so sweetly: you are under the law, and shall be awarded with this punishment, that the rot shall infect your purses, and eat out the bottoms ere you be ware.  
It is also agreed upon, and thought necessary, that some women's lips shall swell so big, as they shall long to kiss other men beside their husbands: others cheeks shall be so monstrous out of frame, as they cannot speak in a just cause without large fees: some with long tongues shall tell all things which they hear: some with no brains shall meddle much, and know little: and those that have no feet, may by the statute go on crutebes.  
But now touching the benefit of private houses, by our rare and requisite judgement we think it very commodious, that those married men which are of the weakest wit and worse courage, should provide themselves of good weapon's to defend themselves from assaults which shall assail them about midnight.  
And it shall be lawful for all wives to have a masculine courage, in such sort, that they who had their wills to this hour, shall have the mastery all the year after; and those husbands which do not valiantly resist them, shall be awarded to pay a sheep's head to their next neighbour, in penance for their f●lly.  
Also it i● further established and agreed upon, that Essex Calves shall indite Butcher's knives of wilful murder. and whosoever will prove a partial juryman in this case, shall have a hot sheep's skin for his labour.  
Bow bell in Cheapside, if it break not, shall be warranted by letters patents to ring well: and if the Conduit heads want no water, the Tankerd-bearer● shall have one custard more to their solemn dinner, than their usual custom is to have.  
Moreover it is thought good, that it shall be lawful for all tripe wives to be exquisite physicians, for in one Offal they shall find more Simples, than ever Galen gathered, since he was first borne,  
Besides that, if Dancers keep not tide and time in their measures, they shall forfeit a fat goose to their teachers for their slender judgement.  
In like manner we think it necessary and convenient, that there shall be great noise of wars in Taverns, and wine shall make some so venturous, as they will destroy Tyrone and all his powder at one draught; also we think it meet, that there be craft in all occupations; and those that are penitent in this world, shall have co●fort in a better.  
Also silke-weavers, by the statute shall prosper well, if they wash their hands clean on Fasting days: for otherwise in soiling their work, they shall lose their worke-masters: Daws by authority shall leave building in Stéeples, and dwell in Cities: and such as are cunning in music, shall know a Crotchet from a Quaver: but let such men as instruct youth, be very circumspect, for if they learn more than their Masters can teach them, they shall forfeit their wits to those that bring them up.  
Furthermore we think it most necessary and convenient, that the generation of Judas should walk about the world in these our latter days, and sell his neighbour for commodity to any man: but the Usurers shall be otherwise disposed; for having mouthly taken but a penny in the Shilling, ever since they began first their occupation, shall now with a good conscience venture upon three pence with the advantage: besides, many men shall prove themselves apparently knavish, and yet in their own opinions will not be so: and many women shall imagine that there are none fairer than themselves.  
Moreover, for the further increase of foolish humours, we do establish and set down, that fantastic devices shall prove most excellent, and some shall so long devise for other men, that they will become barren themselves: some shall devise novelties to their own shames: and some snares to entrap themselves within.  
In like manner we think it most necessary that those that be Fortune tellers, shall shut a knave in a circle, and looking obout for the Devil, shall find him locked in their own bosoms: Acheists by the law, shall be as odious as they are careless: and those that depend altogether upon destiny, and not upon God, may chance look through a narrow lettuce at Footman's Inn.  
But my dear friends the Groeers are plentifully blessed, for their Figs and Raisins may allure fair Lasses by authority: yea, many men by the statute shall be so kindhearted, that a kiss and an Apple, and a pint of wine, shall serve to make them Innocents'.  
And we think it conventent that some shall take their neighbour's bed for their own: some the servant for the Master: and (if Candles could tell tales) some will think a familiar for a flea.  
And we think it meet that there should be many Fowlers, who instead of Larks shall catch Lobcockes: and many for want of wit shall sell their  for Tobacco-pipes, and red Petricoates.  
Likewise we think it convenient that there should be many takers: for some would be taken for wise men, who indeed are very fools: for some will take cracked angels of poor deurors, and a quart of Malmene when they cannot get a pottle.  
But stay a while, whither are we carried: leaving the greatest laws unpunished, and establishing the less? Therefore we enact and ordain as a necessary Statute, that there shall great contention fall between Soldiers and Archers; and if the fray be not decided at at a pot of Ale, and a black Pudding, great bloodshed is like to ens●●e.  
But O gentle fellow Soldiers, then leave your controveriys if you love a woman, for I will prove it, that a Mince pie is better than a Musket, and he that dare gainsay me, let him meet me ●t the dagger in Cheap, with a case of pewter spoons, and I will answer it: and if I prove not a Mince pie the better weapon, let me dine twice a week at Duke Humphries table.  
It is further more established, that the four knaves at the Cards shall suddenly leap from out the bunch, and desperately prank about the new Playhouse, to seek out their old master Captain Crop-ear.  
Also it is thought meet, that some men (in these days) all be politic beyond reason, and write more in one line, than they can prove in an age if all be lawful for some to study which way they may wa●●e to get them a stomach to their meat, whilst others are as careful to get meat to put in their bellies: likewise there shall be great persecution in the Common wealth of Kitching fees, so that some desperate woman shall boil, try and seethe poor Tallow, to the general commodity of all the whole company of Tallow-chandlers.  
Alas, alas, how are we troubled to think on these dangerous times? for Tailors, by act of Parliament may lawfully invent new fashions: and he that takes Irish Aquavitae by the pint, may by the law stumble without offence, and break his face.  
Many men shall be so venterously given, as they shall go into Petticote-lane, and yet come out again as honestly as they went first in.  
In like manner it shall be lawful for Thames water to cleanse as much as ever it did in rhymes past: and if the Brewers of London buy store of good Malt, poor bargemen at Queen-hive shall have a whole quart for a penny: Saint Thomas Onions shall be sold by the rope at Billingsgate by the statue: and Sempsters in the exchange shall become so conscionable, that a man without offence, may buy a falling band for twelve pence  
It shall be lawful for Smiths to love good Ale: and if it be possible to have a frost of three weeks long in july, men shall not be afraid of a good fire at Midsummer.  
Also Porters Baskets shall have authority to hold more than they can honestly carry away: and such a drought shall come among Cans at Bartholomew fair in Smithfield, that they shall never continue long filled.  
And Millers by custom shall have small minds to morning Prayer (if the wind serve them) in any corner on Sundays: Those that go to the wars and get nothing, may come home poor by authority: and those that play fast and lose with women's Apron-strings, may chance make a journey for a Winchester Pigeon: for prevention thereof, drink every morning a draught of Nolime tangere, and by that means thou shalt be sure to escape Physician's purgatory.  
But amongst all other decrees and statutes by us here set down, we ordain and command, that three things (if they be not parted) ever to continue in perpetual amity; that is, a Louse in an old Doubiet, a painted Cloth in a painters stop, and a fool and his babble.  
Furthermore, it shall be lawful for Bakers to thrive by two things: that is, Scores well paid, and Millers that are honest.  
Physicians by other men's harms, & Churchmen and Church yards by often Burials.  
Also we think it necessary for the Commonwealth, that a Salmon shall be better sold in fish-street, than the Beer shall be sold at Billingsgate.  
And hearts-ease amongst the company of Hearb-wives, shall be worthas much money as they can get for it.  
And such as are inclined to the Dropsy, may be lawfully cured, if the Physicians know how.  
Also we ordain and appoint, that (if there be no great store of Tempests) two Halfpenny loaves shall be sold for a penny in white Chapel.  
O what a detestable trouble shall be among women about fourscore and ten years old, for such as have more Teeth about them than they can well use, shall die for age, if they live not by miracle.  
Moreover, we think it necessary, that those that have two eyes in their head. shall sometimes stumble: and they that can neither write nor read, may as boldly forswear themselves, as they that can.  
And it shall be lawful for Almanac makers, to tell more lies then true tales.  
And they that go to Sea without viduals, may suffer penury by the statute.  
In like manner it shall be lawful for any man to carry about him more gold than Iron, if be can get it.  
But they that are given to sullen complexion, if they be Females, must be more circumspect: for if they repent their hidden sins too much, they may chance catch Heaven for their labour.  
Therefore let maidens take heed how they fall on their backs, lest they catch a forty week's favour.  
And he that hath once married a shrew, and by good chance bury her, beware how he come into the saint … s again.  
Further, it shall be lawful for those that be Rich, to have many friends: And they that be Poor, may by authority keep money, if they can get it honestly.  
Also we command and charge all such as have no conscience, to do their worst, least they die in the Devil's debt: As for the rest, they that have have more money than they need, may help their poor Neighbours, if they will.  
In like manner, it shall be lawful for such as are subject to hot Rheums, to drink cold drink: And those that have a mind to enrich Physicians, to be never without diseases.  
Also Soldiers that have no means to thrive by plain dealing, may by the statute swallow down an ounce of the syrup of subtlety every morning: And if they cannot thrive that ways, we think it necessary, that four times in the year they go a fishing on Salisbury plain.  
But as for you dear friends and scholars, thus much we favour you; for you shall dine upon wit by authority: and if you pay your hostess well, it is no matter though you score it up till it come to a good round sum.  
Such as are sick in the spring, may take Physic by the Statute; and those that are cold may wear  without offence.  
Further, it shall be lawful for some to be lean, because they cannot be fat.  
Some by the statute shall love Beef passing well, because they can come by no better meat: and othersome simper it with an egg at dinner, that dare manfully set upon a shoulder of Veal in the afternoon.  
Some shall be sad when they want money: and in love with Widows rather for their wealth, than their honesties.  
It is also thought necessary, that some shall suspect their wives at home, because they themselves play false abroad.  
And some love Bowling-Allies better than a Sermon.  
Furthermore, it shall be lawful for him that marries without Money, to find four bare legs in his Bed: And he that is too prodigal in spending, shall die a beggar by the statute.  
In like manner, we think it necessary, that he that is plagued with a cursed wife, to have his pate broke quarterly, as he pays his rent.  
Likewise, he that delights in sustility, may play the knave by custom: and he that hath his complexion and courage spent, may eat Mutton on fasting days by the Law.  
And to conclude, since there are ten Precepts to be observed in the Art of Scowlding, we humbly take our leave of Duke Humphries Ordinary, and betake us to the Chapel of Ill Counsel; where a quart or two of fine Trinidado, shall arm us against the Gun-shot of Longue-mettle, and keep us from the assaults of Sir John Find fault. Vale my dear Friends, till my next return.  
FINIS.