This may be Printed.  
Aug. 13. 1687.  
R. P.   

A New Fairing FOR The Merrily Disposed: Or, the Comical HISTORY Of the Famous MERRY ANDREW, W. PHILL—. GIVING AN ACCOUNT OF HIS 

Pleasant Humours,  
Various Adventures,  
Cheats, Frolicks, &  
Cunning Designs    
Both in City and Country.  
LONDON: Printed by J. Wallis, and Sold by most Booksellers. 1688.   

THE INTRODUCTION TO THE READER.  
IF Merriment and Good Humour have their share in thy Composition, I here present thee with an Entertainment whol●y J●cose, which will tickle thy Spleen, yet raise no rebellious Passions with the most passionate Expressions; but lest the biting of this Tarantula should make thee Die with Laughter, I have introduced a Crowder whose Harmonious Fancies are able to allay thy most Extravegant Mirth. The Subject of this Discourse was a Person who had Mercury for his Ascendant in Conjunction with Venus, which rendered him Witty and Amorous, whose Power influenced his whole Life with the constant Intrigues of Love and Design.  
He was the famous DROLL of his Time, whose Reputation since has given Name to all his Successors, and will Flourish in the World till Shows are out of date, and Bartholomew-Fair itself swallowed up in Oblivion. His part was to Act, whilst they who thought themselves wiser Men, only played the Fool. His Name is called Merry Andrew, I here give no Account of his Genealogy ●●…r do I know what Relation he had to a Saint of that Name, more than that as you find in the following Account, he never quitted a Place but he left a Cross behind him.  
As to the other Excellencies of his parts, besides his Wit, I can say little to 'em, though I believe him not unskilful in Politics, by the several Doubles he makes through the whole Course of his Adventures; and had he Lived in the Age when Caligula made bis Horse a Consul, he could not have miss of Secretary of State.  
I must Confess here are no eminent displays of bis Courage, though I believe it was keen as Mustard, of which we should not have wanted some proofs, had he lived in a Country as fertile in Giants as other Regions are faimed: For he was a Tarlton upon the Stage, Roscius in his Mimics, in his plots a Guzman, and if the first Inventor of a Rat-Trap by the Cathinthians, had an Obelesk erected to his memory, his great Efforts of Wit deserved a Pyramid for his Monument. In short, he was a Person of 〈…〉 those prodigious Parts that I question whether the Wit of Ten Men could compose a Fool like him.  
I shall be no longer thy Remora from Enjoying this great Cargoe of Wit and Humour, but take Leave in his Common Phrase of Invitation:  
Pray Gentlemen walk in, for now we are ready to begin.   

A New Fairing for the Merrily Disposed, etc.  
WILLIAM the Subject of this Discourse was Born in a Dark Entry, near Rose Mary-Lane, the House being obscure his Birth was no ways Remarkable, more than that his Mother lost a Father for her Child before he came into the World; But to avoid mistakes, he was got in the state of Wedlock. Nature ripened in him apace, for he was a Man of Art at Twelve Years Old, and could mend the Seam-rips of any man's habiliments: but that was but a Cloud to his inward Virtues, and soon was blown off. Now he's climbed up to a Man, and only wants Business to show himself, so that one Day being encumbered with Idleness, he resolves to Divert his vacant Hours, but by what means he was doubtful, at last his thoughts running the Summerset, he jumped upon this Conceit, which was to go take the Air, or as the Old Wife says, walk a making Loiter-pins, and Tempt Fortune for some Lucky Adventure, but could not pitch upon any particular place; by which you may guests he had no State-Affairs in his head, yet at last he thought of St. James' Park, Grays-Inn Walks, Lambs-Counduit Fields, being places where Gentlemen sometimes pass o'er their idle hours, yet none of these did agree with his Inclination, but shapes his Course for another part of the Town more remote, concluding with himself that the Borough of Southwark is the most proper Scene for a new Design, because not far from the Bear-Garden, yet too near the Marshalsey's. All Difficulties laid aside, ever the Bridge he stalked, and with twenty gasings and some few stops, he weathers the point of St. Margaret's Hill, where on a sudded tossing up his Eyes, they were catched by a Mountebanks Stage, surrounded by a Regiment of such Volunteers as himself, though they were of all sorts Male and Female, amongst which Crowd stood an Old Fish Wife, looking attentively towards the Stage, her Mouth as wide open as a gaping Oyster barrel. William seeing her, stoops down and picks up two or three Oyster-shells, then taking his opportunity, chucks them into her Mouth, well plumped Cries the by-standing boys: she starts shutting her mouth, the shells set her Chaps a bleeding, and before she could put her tongue in a posture to scold, he slips into another part of the Throng, but as he passed along he spies a gouty Shopkeeper, being a Crimpling Spectator, and very careful of his Feet, yet William without any remorse makes a false step upon his Toes, at which he roars out, down tumbles Will. and shoots himself into a fresh quarter of the People, at that instant one comes Jack Pudding, roaring in his party coloured , and his Flat Cap like a pied Bull with his Horns sawed off, where after a quarter of an hours impudent ignorance, spoken in all the absurd and balderdash ways that could be, the famous Operator appears, after twenty sour Faces and jousie shrugs, he gins to accost the Mobile: Goode People, and so runs on in a large Lying Oration; but when he came to the second repeating of his Destructives Remedy, says he, I come for all your Goods, that's a Lie, says William, for half of us don't believe you. The Doctor replies, Friend where do you Live, that thus dares to interrupt me, why says William, I live in Whore and Bastard Lane, next door to your Mothers, Sirrah, replied the Quack, your Manners is worn out, and can't be mended but at the Carts-Arse; nor your Honesty and Skill known says William, till you look through a wooden-hole Casement for a Cheat, Sirrah, Sirrah, cries Jack Pudding, I'll silence you straight; with that William steps to a Woman that sold Dumplings, Mother says he, Mr. Pudding sent me for a Dumpling, how shall I know that says she? you shall see me deliver it says William; she gives him one, he goes to the corner of the Stage, and when the Fool was in the height of his Ribbaldry, William hits him in the Mouth with a Dumpling, some of the hot Liquor flying in his Eyes; he howled, the Doctor stamped, there was Mirth and Vexation mixed to the general Satisfaction of the Spectators; when the Rabble had laughed till their Follies were weary; the Fool swore, the Quack fretted, and both wished themselves a hundred miles off: William in a by-corner had made a party of two-legged Brutes, such as frequent those Meetings, and came to the front of the Stage, where he demanded money for the Dumpling: The soberer sort expected to have seen him been beaten, or seized by a Constable but when the Mountebank threatened, William's Crew bawled out, down with the Stage, down with the Stage, which the Doctor hearing, commanded them to keep Peace: At last, after several Extravagancies more between William and them, the Doctor came to a parley and entreated a fair Accommodation, which after various Disputes on either side was agreed to: William asked leave to mount the Bank, to be a Spectator there, which was willingly allowed. He behaved himself so wittily amongst them, with his sly Tricks and blunt Jokes, that the Mountebank courted him to come and serve him; William stood not much upon Punctilios, considering his present Condition: A Bargain was struck for seven shillings a week, and by that time seven weeks were run away, William had made himself famous, insomuch that his Master parts with his old Fool, for a new Knave, and quitting that Station, betakes himself to the Country; where William is expected to unfold his most taking and waggish Parts, to make Robin and Joan bepiss themselves, all which he did; and to add to their Delight, he made a Christening, and invited all there present, and as many more as they could draggle along with them the next Market Day to it. The day came, a great Concourse of Country Hicks and Megs appear, in the Crowd William espied the Hangman and a Sergeant of the Corporation not far from the Stage, he sets a fellow or two and some of the Boys together by the Ears, then comes running out, and craves their help to part them, which they very readily did; for which kindness he invited them upon the Stage, where also was the Jailor's Wife, to see a strange Operation on a Child's Naturals. So they being all together, he standing between them; taketh one in one hand, and another in the other, and told the People that he had lived an Anabaptist ever since he came to his Master, and now being able to Answer for himself, made bold with these Friends to be his Gossips, and the Name I take is Merry Andrew. With that there was a Shout, the Sergeant bitten his Nails, the Hangman stormed, the Jailor's Wife exalted her Voice, which the Rabble perceiving, they fell a pelting. William slipped behind the Cloth, the Gossips tumbled off the Stage to escape the showers of Turnip Tops, Stones, Dirt, and what they could find to let them fly at them; the Fray being ended, William told them as they liked this, they might come the next day to the gossiping, and so took his leave of them.  
Now you have seen William transformed into Andrew. By the way of digression, I am to tell you, the Doctor being a Man of Frailties, contracted a Friendship, or Marriage with a handsome accepting Sinner; it was as Tying and Religious as Andrews christening, but you know Friendship's a strange Obligation. This she Partner was Argously watched by our Mountebank, and for his farther Security, he enjoined her, whenever he was on the Stage (his Lodging being opposite to it) to stand at her window with a Vizard on, which she performed with diligence: Yet she was not so warm to him, as to be Ice to all others; for I must give you to understand, that Andrews many conceited Pranks had begot in her a liking to his Person, as well as Parts, nor was he so dull or blind, but he could look through the Long and Likeing of his titular Mistress; nor did he intent to let the Game pass by him, when he might stand in the Gap and stop it for his own Pleasure. So without any further Circumstance, he puts his Intentions in Execution, and in few days found his Design take. She was absolutely willing, and nothing but Conveniency of time and place wanting, which he undertook to compass. On a day when Andrew by his Officiousness and Jollity of Humour, had drawn a vast Audience before him, taking the advantage of the Doctors being busy in delivering out his Medecines, he whispers in one of the fellows Ears, I'm troubled with the Gripes, if the Doctor ask for me, tell him so; when stepping home he met the Maid of the house, being one whom he use to toy with, I'll lay thee a Shilling Doll, says he, that you don't stand a quarter of an hour looking out of our Window, with this Mask on; Done, cries Doll. not guessing at his purpose: Up he brings her, and when he saw his Master turn about to take a Packet, he gives his Mistress a pull, and thrust Doll to the Casement. You may imagine the Came was not long a playing, they having so few Cards to deal. When done, Andrew repairs to the Bank with many a Crab-look, how now Andrew' says the Doctor, are thy Gripes off? Oh! Sir, said Andrew, I thought one of my Puddings had been coming out, qut afer half a dozen strains it shrunk back again into my Belly. I believe Nature was over charged, 'tis well Andrew, said the Dr. it went off so quick. Now eve we them, and go back to Doll. she being intent of winning her Weager, never minded what they did; when Andrew was gone, the Mistress pulls Doll away, Oh! cries she, I won't lose my Shilling, are these your Tricks to save Andrew's Money? this is foul play, I will be judged by the Doctor else, which startled the Lady so much, that she fling the Maid a Shilling, and bid her pay Andrew if he claimed it, if not, keep it for herself. Doll hearing this, went away very well pleased.  
You have seen what a Progcess Andrew has made at his first Entrance on the Stage of the World, Extravagance was his Introduction, and as wildly he pursued it through the continued Course of his adventurous Life; for having debauched his Mistress, his Appetite grew dull, fresh matter must be found for his changeable Genius to work upon. It so fell out, that the Landlady where they lay had a Daughter tempting enough, yet not over laded with Virtue, as it was imagined by Andrew, her Name is Isabel. To her Andrew lays Siege to her, but it was beat off with much loss of time: Then, as Envy enters old Women, and so they become Witches: so Revenge steps in, with his new slighted Passions; he casts about how to put a Trick upon her, that the Town might ring of her Miscarriage. And as he was meditating in a low Room about the Project, Isabel passed by the Window, whom he calls to him, and very gravely entreated her to fasten his Crevat-string: she came to the Window, putting in her hands on each side the Bar, he catcht fast hold of her Arms, and with a Napkin he had in his Hand, tied them together within; then putting his hand over her, plucked up her Coats, and pinned them to her Back, she struggling to get lose discovered bare both fore and aft. Away got he, and in comes a Stage-Coach with Travellers, who lighting and seeing Isabel stand so, thought she was to have suffered the Lash: One of the Maids coming out, espied her, and runs and hides her Posteriors, whilst another within set her at Liberty. The Boys grinned, the Women smiled with a cast-down look, the men as you may guests laughed out aloud, and you may easily imagine that all the Effects of Rage and Fury reigned in our thus affronted Isabel: But the first Effects are brought forth in Tears, the common Expressions of women's Grief; in this Flood of Dolour, her Sweetheart coming in, was surprised at the running over of the Springs, her Eyes; whom she perceiving through her watery Prospect, nothing but Death could be her Comfort. Andrew standing privately above in the Gallery, saw their Meeting, and throws down a Chamber-Pot upon them both, and then conveys himself away so clandestinely, that he was not discovered. They immediately wiping themselves, begin to inquire who it was that had served them so: No body was suspected, nor any one owning it, it showed that one Cross was the forerunner of another; they withdrew into a by Room, to have a full Hearing of their former Misfortunes, and to consider who this was that had watered them with the Pisspot; after many Arguments between them, they vow a Secret Revenge to Andrew; for you must know, the Lover was Valiant in nothing but in Protestation of his Affections to her, and that he might the better apply some Comfort to her afflicted Spirits, he (with a bundle of Oaths to be true) obtains a Grant of Enjoying that Trifle, which ignorant young Folks think a Blessing, but find a Cross all their life time after; an hour hence in the Hen-Roost is thougth the most convenient time and place, where the Battle of Love and Lust may be fought, besides it would be then dark, for they durst not trust themselves in the House. Andrew having been smartly employed with a Country Fellow about the Toothache, and finding the dull Clod of Earth softened for any Impression; first pulls out the Tooth, then tells him to be sure never to have it again, is to have a hole bored through his left Ear: The Dunce contented to have it done on the Stage for a famous Operation. Andrew to make the People merry, and do the Fool not much hurt, whips a hot Iron through his Ear, washes it a little, then puts as big a Padlock on't as he could get the Hasps in; telling he must appear with it six Market Days, and never leave it till the time's expired, which he promised to do accordingly, and so Andrew dismissed him. Being afterwards invited to a Jovial Dames House, to meet some mad Wenches at a Supper; he to increase the Feast, comes home, and thinking of his Landladies Poultry, resolves to make more room in the Roost, by picking out a Couple of fat Pullet's, which he thought would be acceptable to the Company he was to meet: Making an Excuse to go to the House of Evacuation, in order to his being more near to the Covey he was to plunder; a small time it was, but enough for him who wanted a Load, more than to lighten himself. He was forced to mount a Ladder at the end of a Barn joining to the Garden, to accomplish his Ends: up he creeps, and goes, carefully and softly in, lays hold of a Fowl, and jerks off her head, and crossing over to feel for another, tumbles down; the first thing he felt was a bare Thigh of Isabells', she durst not Cry out, nor Andrew make a Noise fearing he should lose his Hen, he groping, found that the Beast with two Backs had been made there; and by the mutter of their Voices knew 'twas Isabella and her Enamorado. Down got he and removes the Ladder, and away he highs to the Gang that waited his coming, leaving the Affrighted Couple to perch there till Morning; but by the help of the Ostler coming for Hay they got down; and stole into their Lodging undiscovered; the Secret remaining in his Discretion which for that time did not come out.  
Andrew has now forgot where he left his frighted Isabel, and is wholly intent to the present frolicks. The Music played, the Lasses are tugged, the Men drunk, and the Married Women jolly, all turned into a Chaos and Confusion of Humours. At last the dreadful sound comes, What's to Pay? Andrew starts up, Not a Man pays a farthing here but me. A Loving Soul crowds half a Crown into his hand, a Half-Seas man's Wife treads on his Toes and palms him Two Shillings, Another beckons him into a Corner, where he gives her a Token of his Kindness, and she pop for pop, pops him a George, She being the only sweet Soul amongst them all. The Men scorning to suffer him to Treat them and their Wives, throw down the Reckoning.  
Friends (Cried he) you may come to repent of this hasty parting with your Money; No not they, they Answered with an Oath. Andrew gathers up all the Money, Well Friends (says he) I'll have the honour of paying the House, with all their hearts, he put a health about, and goes down Stayrs, and marches off with all the Money. They beginning to be Cloyd with Drink, Inquire for Andrew, but he is not to be found, Well, come, let us go then, Who pays? (says the Hostess) Mr. Andrew, replied the Women, He is gone (says she) and not paid a Penny: At that word there was a general silence through the whole Assembly; a thing to be wondered at considering what was done, and what they had been doing. But after divers angry postures amongst the Men, Women, and Maids, of scratching their Elbows, Buttocks and Flanks; a smart Lass that had a Violent Itching for Andrew, broke out of the Dumb Astonishment, and says, this is a Device of his, to make us Laugh another Time, let us free ourselves now, and cry quittance with him when we next get him at advantage. The motion took, by reason the Women were too Drunk to scold, and the Men besotted with the Surprise. So a Common-Purse was made, the Hostess Discharged, and they went staggering home to Sleep, and never Dreamt how they should come by their Money again.  
Andrew went to his Quarters, the Ostler being his great Crony, he up and told him what he had done; and they were both pleased with the Slur which he had put upon them.  
In return of Andrew's Relation, the Ostler acquaints him with the Condition he found Isabel and her Unfortunate Friend in, and what Room he lay: The Devil strait enters Andrew, and out he goes; At the Gate lived a Butcher who had killed some Sheep for the Market four miles off, and had hung One up by the Gambrells at his Door. Andrew fetched a Trunk which he used to shoot Pease with at the Boys, putteth that through a hole into the Shop, and blows out the Candle; then takes the whole Sheep on his back, and carries it softly up into the young man's Chamber; where he was fast a-sleep in his Bed, he lays the dead Sheep by him, and goes his way into the next Room, where the Ostler and he sit down to watch what would become of the Mutton. The Spark waking finds something lies heavy by him, Jostles it, but could not make it stir, putting out his hand to feel what it was, feels the cold skin of the flayed Sheep, when whipping in his hand again he falls to Prayers, shivering and shaking, but turning about to cover his Head, hits his hand against the Nose; Ah Lord! cries he, stark Dead! and fell a Groaning most Dreadfully. Over joyed with this Account, away goes Andrew and the Ostler, and leaves him in this piteous Condition.  
At Break of Day Andrew goes down, where he heard the Butcher Cursing and Swearing, That some Damned Rogue had stolen a whole Sheep from him. Andrew putting his Face into the most dissembling Figure he could, seemingly Pities him, though inwardly tickled with this Exploit, Neighbour (says he) come along with me, I had a certain Vision in my Sleep, and me thoughts I saw your Mutton lie on a Bed in our Inn. Let's go see up Stayrs, they went, where without any difficulty the lost sheep was found; the Merchant half stewed in his own Liquor was examinded, the Fright keeping him shaking, rendered him the more suspected; upon which in down right terms he was charged with the Theft. Andrew upbraids him, the Ostler carries a double Face, and both sweetens and pinches. Before this was all made out and cleared the Doctor removes his Station to the Borders of Scotland, where Andrew's Familiarity with his Mistress and many other Rogueries were discovered, for which he was turned away, and left to juggle himself to London again if he could.  
His Master and he being parted, the Northern Air being somewhat too cold for his Constitution, he was resolved to change the Climate, preparing to Steer his Course Eastward, to the Metropolitan City of London; which had been the place of his Nativity, and former abode: and accordingly over night took leave of his Landlady, intending next morning to be making forward on his Journey. Sitting by the Fire and casting his Eyes downwards upon his Carriers, he spies a poor fleeting Sole which by violent Storms and foul weather was just wracked from the upper Leather; with that, fetching a deep sigh, and considering the many weary steps he had to make before he should arrive at his wished for Post, he thought it fit that such Faults should be amended; with that after having desired his Landlady to fetch a Flagon of Ale, he prays the Maid of the House to carry his Shoe to the Cobblers, which accordingly was done, she speaking to him to under lay it, which he very decently performed.  
Having taken leave of his Landlady, and paid for his Drink, he retires to his Chamber to consult with his Pillow, what course he should take for money to defray his Travelling Charges; having now but ten pence half penny left. Coming into his Chamber he gins to pack up all his Impliments, which indeed neither required Trunk nor Box to hold them; since a large Pocket, or a sheet of Paper would have enclosed all: he having little else, but some small Pots of Medicines which he had pilfered from his Master, thinking that at one time or another in his Travels he might with them deceive some ignorant Country Boor. He then going to Bed, where lying all night and dreaming of his Pilgrimage: In the Morning he wakes, and getting up, prepares himself for a March: In comes the Cobbler's Boy, desiring Money for his Master for mending his Shoes; Prithee, says he to the Boy, tell me what is it that thy Master hath done for me? Indeed Sir says the Boy, I cannot tell, then pray go back to thy Master, and desire if he intends to be paid, to fend me a Bill for what; the the Cobbler immediately hearing of his Answer, posts to the Clerk of the Town, and tells him that Merry Andrew was going from his Master, and would not pay him for his Work, unless he sent him in a Bill; therefore humbly entreats him, to be so kind to draw it up for him. which the Clerk as willingly performed. The Bill immediately was sent to Merry Andrew, who reading over, found it to be to this Effect.  

Mr. Andrews Bill.   l s d  For an Underlay 00 00 01  For Sprigs to fasten the Heel 00 00 00 ½ In all 00 00 01 ½  
Andrew considering with himself, and smiling, Order the Boy to bid his Master come to him, for he did not use to pay Money without an Acquittance and Discharge in full, which before he paid it he would have: The Boy presently fetches his Master, who got the Clerk to accompany him: no sooner did Andrew see him, but he tendered down the three half Pence on a Table, and demanded a Discharge in full, which the Clerk writ, and the Cobbler signed; now, saith Merry Andrew let's have Cobblers Law, he that hath received money call for his Pot, at which the Clerk and all the People fell a laughing, that the Cobbler was beaten at his own Weapon: the Cobbler did generously call for his half dozen, and the Clerk likewise, for the merry Conceit, where Merry Andrew got a large Morning's Draught for his Three half Pence, and so set forward on his Journey.  
The Day proving fair, the Sun displayed his Beams, which made Merry Andrew glad the Cares of his Journey being pretty well thrown out of his Head by the Cobbler's large morning's Draught; he put on a pace, where coming down a Hill into a pleasant Vale, he over took a Man, whom he no sooner spied, but he made up to him with full Sail: Merry Andrew accosts him after the old Phrase, Well over taken Frinend, how far Travel you, Towards York replies he, at which Merry Andrew was Glad, that he had so luckily met with a Companion, who steered the same Course with him. They marched on about a Mile further, where on the side of a Hill, stood a very pleasant Seat, which no sooner the Man espied, but he quickened his pace, and moved on faster than ordinary, when coming to a Lane which turned up to the House, he made a stop, and putting his hand under his Coat, unbuckled, and took off a Green Bag, which Merry Andrew supposed to have been Writings; but he no sooner had opened it, but out peeps the head of an old decayed Fiddle, which no sooner Merry Andrew saw, but his Heart Capered in his Belly. Merry Andrew made up to the Fiddler, and demanded of him whether he intended to stay at that House; yes, replied the Fiddler, I intent to hazard here, and it may be I may make a penny to bear my Night's Charges; and if you will stay with me, I shall be glad to Accompany you to your Journeys end: Agreed, says Merry Andrew, and moving forwards, the Fiddler began to tune up his Instrument; which was no sooner heard, but out comes the Servants of the House; with that, Merry Andrew brisks up, Gentlemen, says he, will you have a Lesson of good Music, or see any Agility of Body, Gentlemen Flipflaps or Summersets? No replied the Servants, our Master is not at home, but if you will give us a Tune or two, we will give what the house will afford, Victuals and Drink; content cries Merry Andrew, Rub up your Guts Fiddler, whilst I show them a Trick for Love. Merry Andrew having showed them some Tricks which caused their Laughter, they rewarded him both with Meat and Money, which the Fiddler seeing, grew angry, and repent he had taken a Partner more taking than himself; but as they walked forward, Merry Andrew gave him an equal Dividend of what he had got, which made up the Breach.  
Their Stay here having retarded their Journey, Night was drawing on, when they came to a small Thatched Village, and and inquired if there were ever an Alehouse; the People answered that was it five Mile to any house or Town.▪ Say you so replied Merry Andrew to his Comrade, who indeed was almost tired: Come let's walk as far as we can. They had not Travelled above two Miles, but the Night came on so fast, that they grew fearful of losing their way: Merry Andrew looking about, by chance spies a large hay Stack, situated hard by a house, he considers with himself whether he should venture to make that his Habitation, and sleep like a Pig in Pease Straw, or Travel on till they found some Inn; but the poor Fiddler being weary with his days March, persuaded him to stay, and embrace that Airy Tenement.  
Being both agreed, they began to undermine the Stack, and there tumbled in like Swine into a Sty: They had not lain above an hour, but Merry Andrew hears a Door clap, and a great Dog bark, which put the poor Fiddler and he into a breathing Sweat, thinking that if they should be found there, they would opprehend them for Rogues designed to rob the House; with that Merry Andrew peeping from under his fringed Canopy, espied a Maid Servant, who was sprinkling the G●ass with Nature's watering Pot; which no sooner she had ended, but turning her round▪ she met her Fellow-Servant and Sweet Heart, who taking her about the Neck, after his Rustic manner of Salutation, tumbles her upon the Grass, where finishing the work of Generation, He made poor Andrew a Pimp in his own Defence. The Wench being well pleased with what she had then rereived, invites her Friend into the Dairy, which was a little way from the House, where she makes him to partake of a Bowl of Curds and Cream, having provided Sack, Sugar, and several other Toys to heighten the Appetite of her Amorous Lover. Merry Andrew over hearing of this nightly Banquet, resolves to partake of their Cheer, and accordingly creeps from the Eaves of his Castle, and moving jelly towards the Dairy; spies a Sheets which he thought very convenient for his Design j and accordingly made use of it, tying the Top with a Strieg in the fashion of a , he put in upon his Head, and thinking with himself that his Physiognomy was not altogether suitable, he remembered a piece of Chalk he had in his Pocket, to prevent the slipping of his Dancing Pumps; having taken it out, and rubbed his Face with it, he goes easily to the Milk house Door, where he found them Laughing and in a Height of Merriment: when of a sudden he and the Fiddler made a hideous Noise, which done, Merry Andeew immediately enters, whom they no looner saw, but the one Scrieked, the other Trembled, and flying to the House in this Astonishment, left Merry Andrew in full Possession of all the Dainties, where having filled his B●lly, he repaired to his Thatched Chamber. Daylight coming on, and casting his Eyes about, he sees the House which appeared to belong to a Person of no small Quality. Immediately he posts the Fiddler to the Door, who after a Lesson, giving good Morrow to the Worshipful, he had balf a Crown thrown down out of the Window, which they lovingly embraced, and so marched onwards of their Journey, leaving the Lovers with Fear and Trembling.  
They had not Travelled above six or seven Miles, but Merry Andrew began to be troubled with a grumbling in his Guts, whether with Cold got in his Lodging, or over loading his Stomach with Cheese Curds, I know not; but he resolves with his Comrade, that the next Alehouse they came to, should supply them with Brandy or some warm Liquor to ease his Grief: Whilst they were thus discoursing and walking leisurely over a Common, they discerned a House, which they made up to, imagining it must be an Alehouse by the May Pole standing at the Door, and even as they thought so it proved; for when they came at it, they found both Meat and Drink. Entering the House, they found none but a loan Woman, whom Merry Andrew asked if she had any Brandy in the House, she replied yes; having called for a Gill of Brandy, they sat them down by the Fire, Andrew casteng his Eyes up to a hanging Shelf, he saw a Pie well fregiht with Beef, Pork, and such other Delicacies as the Country did afford: his Brandy having warmed his Stomach, and eased him of the Gripes, he gins to consider with himself, that the Brandy and the Walk together had got him an Appetite, and therefore Contrives how, or which way he might supplant the Woman of her Pie, and not have it found out till his departure.  
After having tossed off two or three Gills Betwixt his Comrade and himself, with the Civil Assistance of his Hostess, he desired her to fetch him a Flagon of Beer, saying, too much Brandy was naught, tho' indeed he did not think so, only to get her out of the Room, till he could manage his Ingenious Contrivance. The Woman being gone into the Yard to wash her Pot, Merry Andrew whips out his Knife, calling to the Fiddler, Uncase, Uncase, The Fiddler drawing his Fiddle out of the Case, holds the Case under the hanging Shelf, whilst Andrew with his Knife cuts all the bottom Crust round, and lets the Meat drop into the Case. The Hostess coming hastily up Stairs from drawing the Beer, Merry Andrew hearing her, runs hastily to the Door, where making a false Step at the Threshold, tumbles the old Woman over, breaks the Jug, spills all the Drink, and breaks the Old Woman's Shins into the Bargain. Whilst that he and the Hostess were lamenting each others Misfortune, the Fiddler had planted his Case under his Coat, having cleared the Magazeen, and lest the bare Walls of the Crusty Castle standing upon the Shelf. The old Woman howled, Andrew looked sad, down went her Stockings to look of her Shins, up goes Merry Andrews Sleeves, to look of his Elbows: At length, Merry Andrew pulling out some old Relics of his Master's shop, applies a Plaster ta the Old Woman's Shins, and so pretendingly another to his own Elbows. The old Hostels being glad that she had so luckily met with Medicines for her Cure, agrees with Andrew for what he would have to leave Salve to Cure the Wounds he had wilfully made. At length they comply, where the Shot is paid with old decayed Drugs, with that Andrew calls for a Pot to drink his Hostess' good Health, the Fiddler plays, Andrew Sings, when ending their Liquor, they bid Adieu to their Hostess, leaving her to Plaster up all her Grievances. The Remainder of the Day following they spent in pleasantly Laughing at each others Contrivance, and their late excellent Humours, with which they they had so neatly gulled their Hostess.  
The Sun growing low, they drew nigh unto a Town, which Merry Andrew enquiring what place it was, found it to be a Copporation, where they had formerly had a Stage; with that applying himself to an Inn where his Master had lodged, the Tapster Greets him kindly, and they fell to drinking smartly; in the interim, in a Parson comes riding into the Inn, whom the Tapster showed into a fair Room, and according to the usual Custom, asked him what he would be pleased to drink, or what he would have to Supper: but he proving to be one who loved Eating better than Drinking, bids the Tapster bring him a Single Mug of Ale, and get a Shoulder of Mutton for his Supper. The Tapster hasted to the Kitchen and tells them his Pleasure, which was accordingly fulfilled.  
The Mutton being laid to the fire, the Tapster returned to his old Acquaintance Andrew, where they sat drinking and discoursing of former Passages, till the Tapster was called to lay the Cloth, which he readily did. Supper being brought up, the Parson with ut the tedious Ceremony of a large Grace, falls to famously. The Tapster standing behind, wished him half Choked, fearing he should have none left to Accommodate his old Acquaintance. The Raging of his Stomach is at length appeased, and Meat enough left to have satisfied his Desire: But the Parson forgetting the Scripture Phrase, takes as well care for his Breakfast to Morrow, as his Supper to Night; and orders the Tapster to set the Meat upon the Cupboards head in his Chamber, over which bung a very Large Looking-Glass. The Tapster would fain have made an Excuse that he might in some Measure oblige his Travelling Friend Andrew, telling the Parson that the Room was haunted with Cats and Rats, and that if the Meat stood there he would not have a bitten left by Morning: But the Parson grew more mistrustful, believing nothing could be safe out of his sight, and orders it to be set there, which was accordingly performed; and speaks to the Tapter to bring him up another Mug of Bear, and then he would prepare for Bed.  
The Tapster makes haste to his old Friend Andrew, and acquaints him with the Business, Pox on't, cries Andrew, I have a Trick at fingers ends shall help us out, take a long piece of Pack-Thread and make a slip Noose, and when you go in with the Drink slip it about the Knuckle Bone, and draw the String out of Doors after you: The Tapster took his Friends Advice, and earrying in the Beer made an Excuse to the Cupboard, where fixing the Project, he goes out of the Chamber, leaving the Parson to take his Natural Rest. Down he goes to his Friend, where they Laugh and Drink, the Music playing till towards Midnight; At length, thinking of the Supper they had laid a Trap for, they went softly to the Parson's Door, where Andrew pulls the String gently, Rattle goes the Dish, Cat, Cat Whore! cries the Parson, which caused them to Laugh extremely. At length Merry Andrew gives the other Pull, down comes the Meat and Dish and all; which the Parson hearing, takes the Bedstaff and flings it furiously at the Cat as he Imagined; Rattle goes the Looking Glass, he hearing the Glass broke, creeps into Bed, where he lay as quietly as a Man without a Soul. The Tapster and Andrew fell to the Meat, when having Eaten what they would, they knaw the Bones and lay them at the Door. Daylight coming on, the Tapster hastens to the Parson's Chamber, when coming to the Door, he cries, hay day what work is here now? I. I, replies the Parson; Tapster had I taken thy Counsel all had been well: When coming into the Room he spies the Looking-Glass broke, hay day why how comes this? Indeed good Tapster I did it; prithee know of thy Mistress the Reckoning, and what she must have for the Glass, which the Tapster as readidid; and brought this Account. A Shoulder of Mutton and a Looking Glass; with Bread and Beer; Twenty nine Shillings. The Parson paid the Reckoning, and called for his Horse; but never stayed to drink. The Master Laughed, the Mistress smiled that her old fashioned Glass was turned into a new one; the Tapster Applauded Andrews Contrivance, and gave him Money at parting; to help to his Journeys end.  
Andrrw and his Friend Crowder go on their Progress in search of new Adventures; and it happened on a Sundays Evening, (for they made no scruple of times or Seasons) that they met upon a Green a merry Company of Lads and Lasses, and a Fellow playing on a Fiddle, made of the Shoulder Been of a Horse: You cannot imagine, it sounded as well as a Cremonia Violin; bet much better than a Frying Pan which they used to settle Bees with: When Andrew had viewed the Gamballing Medley of Cat and long-Tail, he thought it proper to put in for a Snack of this voluntary Mirth, and customary Vagaries. So throwing himself on his Hands walks into the Forest of Ignoramus; they seeing a Reversed Mortal were struck with Admiration, but when they heard his strilling Companion to exalt his Trehble, they were then absolutely weather bound; and could not tell what point of the Compass they should put their Leg forward in. The Scraper of the Village was then of no use, their old pleasure was now a pain; and with all possible Celerity they begin to tune their Legs to those new Harmonious Notes they were surprised with. As the Minstril was charming, so was▪ Andrew no less taking with his Frolicksome Demeanour. A she Animal of a Dairy Maid was unresistably captivated, she pursued him through all the Hops and Jumps of his Antic Postures, and at last prostrates her Affection; by consenting that he should that Night not only take part of her Bed, but take possession of her Tenement of Flesh; so ready a Compliance he willingly embraced: So home he Accompanies her, and to bed they go: No body need trouble their heads to know what they did there, but may expect what will come forty weeks after, tho' a shorter time will determine this Matter; for before Morning, he Glutted with what he had never sought, took the Advantage of Wakefulness, and dressing himself, seized all her Holiday Furniture as free Prize, leaving her naked to cover her Shame with the Apron of Repentance. His Companion in the mean while had played himself into a considerable Fortune, and was much troubled for Andrew to come and participate. It was not long before he had his Wish, and then they consulted their future Safety, which was lodged in the most expeditious Escape they could make: It was resolved to change the Country, as well as the Air of that narrow Village.  
'Tis a general received Opinion, that Men indisposed have their Intervals of Ease and Pain; and so have these Travellers the Mutability of Time and Chance, for what they have irregularly got: we shall see it as extravagantly spent in pleasing their own Humours. In few days all is expended in Brandy, and the worst Evil Women; so that a new World, or a new Trade, must presently be found out to stop the Raging Furies of their intolerable Wants: But tho' Andrew wants Subsistance, he wants no Confidence; especially when he is thrust on by the Extremity of Want, nor is it long before he meets with a Conveniency to improve his Talon in a small Village. In their way, as nothing could be a wrong Road to them but the Gallows, or the Whipping Post; he chopped into the company of some Country Excise Men, who were much taken with his Gay and Drolling Humours, with whom he attained Admittance at a Town Dinner. In the beginning of their Tooth Combat, his Associate, the Crowder being pinched by that cursed Vulture Hunger, lays his Wits abroad, and boldly ventures upon this Design. There was a Window to the Room they eat in, which looked into a Garden, where one had hung his Cloak, Crowder gets a Ladder, thinking if he could not carry the Cloak off Smoothly, it should pass for a Jest; so [up he ascends to the Window, at his first Approach Andrew spies him; you damned Rogue cries he, will you still haunt me? So he took a Shoulder of Lamb and threw at his Head, and after that a penny Loaf, then starting from the Table, snatches a Bottle of Wine, and threw that too: the Fiddler fell down and pulled the Cloak after him: The Company busied to appease Andrew, minded not any Thing that past, whilst the Fellow posted away with what he had got.  
You must know this Tool of Music was pawned to his Landlord for paying the Tailor for mending his tattered Breeches, which he instantly redeems; and hastens back again to the House: by the way be turns his Coat, and smuts his Face, and as soon as he Enters, strikes up a Flourish: and cries, Gentlemen, will you have any Music? Andrew glad of this Opportunity falls a shaking of his Heels, the Company growing pretty warm, were easily induced to the Matter; and admire the many merry and unlucky Pranks of these two unknown Companions. Amongst other Frolicks they contrive a New Way of drinking a Health, with taking a Table a little bigger than a Joint Stool, and turing up the Frame, the Fiddler was to begin: Andrew seeing a bundle of Pitchforks makes ready for Hay Season; takes four of them, and by the help of four more in the Company, fixes the Forks at the four Corners of the Frame, and so lifts up the Table with the Fiddler in it like a Pulpit; the Glass went about, and every Man was mounted in his Turn: This Sport produced great Laughter, at which the Landlady of the House having a mind to know the Cause of it, came in, Andrew had it presently in his Head, Oh Mistress I says he, you are come to Crown the Invention; up you must go, she Laughs and refuses; but the Guests being high Flown nothing will excuse her Compliance with them in that Frolic. In she is put, and then hoisted up, the Crowder gins a Health with a stamp, she was to end it; so when it came to her (she being a Sociable Hostess) did as they did, gave a strong stamp, at which the Lid of the Table came off, and she slipped through with Coats up to her Armpits, and tho' she made great speed to acquit herself, yet there was a plain Discovery. Now he is the Only Man who can show the most Extravagant Fancy; Hats, Periwigs and Coats are thrown about, at the same time the Music is very generously rewarded, who in return of Thanks will show them one Trick more: he takes ones Hat, another's Periwig, a thirds Coat, and so fantastically Accouters Himself, but when he had Mimict or Scharamoucht as long as he thought fit, he very smoothly played himself down Stairs, and then goes the back Way to his Lodging, where he undisguised himself, and by turning his Coat the right side outward, is become in all Appearance another Man. The Blades he left are full of Expectation what the Event of his Conceit will be; at last weary with expecting of his Return, Inquiry was made, but no such Man could be heard of. Andrew Rants, they Curse, none suspecting That they knew one another. Night coming on Every one betook himself to his Journey home, The Catastrophe proving not agreeable to the first part of their Jollity.  
The next Project is to disincomber themselves of the Goods they have got by slight of hand and foot, their Landlord hearing them grumble; I can't carry the Cloak: Says one, Nor I the Coat says t'other, Would we had Money for them, say they both, proffers to buy them, if they would part with 'em upon reasonable Terms. Their Demands are accepted and the money laid down. Early in the Morning they left the Town, and the great Road; venturing upon a by-way to prevent any pursuit after them, and as they met with various Paths they changed their way, and after an hour or two's labour in sweat and dirt, and often wishing and looking for any house where they might refresh their Craving Stomaches, they could discover none, but the nearest thing that Humane Creatures frequent is a Windmill, to which they repair with all the Vigour their fainting Spirits would allow them; Groaning, Puffing and Cursing, they arrive at the thief's Castle, expecting no Succour there more than to be instructed in their way to the nearest Village. At the foot of the Ladder or payr of Stayrs, they called Miller, and then honest Friend, though at the same time they knew 'twas a Lie, yet adding Dissimulation, their constant Companion, and what all the World knows is a proper and useful Partner to the Cheating Trade of a Miller, they Repeated Hey from above there! Good Man! but all in vain, says Andrew it may be the Thief's run away from his Castle; so by joined Consent they Ascend the Lader, where upon the Platform they find the Governor of the Windy Meal Box asleep on his Back, they' jogged him, pulled him, spoke to him, no Answer was made, nor sign of Waking; but prying nearer into the Business he proves to be knocked down by some potent Liquor, and there lies like a Hogshead of dead Beer. Let him Snore on says Crowdero, I am for making a privy Search what his Whirligig house affords and in walks he: Peeping about, he first sees a Housewifes' Cake brought there by some who gave him Toll of her Corpse, and he excused them of their Meal: And now finding a Stone Bottle, to which he claps his Nose, took a lusty Draught of Brandy; the other lays his Hand on a Wooden Can, upon whose Lid lay a slice of boiled Bacon, they both fell to, and with a ravenous Dexterity devoured all Eatable, or fit to Drink, and between them fill the emptied, Bottle with Piss; but their Roguery could not end here. A new Consultation is held what is to be done with the intranced Beast; Mischief never wants quick Invention, they take a Sack and draw under his Back, then tie the two Ends together, and fasten them to a Rope, which hangs down on purpose to draw up Sacks of Corn to Grind, or let down the Meal; they pull him a good way from the Stairs, then turning the Beam they lower him within Eight or Nine Foot of the Ground, and post away, leaving him to swing himself awake.  
You may think it was not the easiest Lodging that ever he had, therefore could not remain there long asleep. In a short time he awakes, and cannot tell what he should be a doing, he could not call it Riding nor going on Foot; in a little space he found out what Posture he was in, but how he came so, was his greatest Wonder; he can see no body to call to, nor did expect any body to come there that Day, by Reason he had in the Morning taken his Work in for the Morrow: his Truss began to hurt and he thinks, that his hanging by another part would be now his best Remedy. Something much be done and that quickly, the Knot could not be untied, wherefore he puts his Hand into his Pocket, and draws his Knife, and without further Consideration cuts the Rope, down comes he Neck and Shoulders, and but that he was reserved for a worse Fate, must undoubtedly have broke his Crag, where we leave him crawling up the Ladder of his Destiny, and return to our Travellers, who are falling out about what they should have for Dinner, before they knew where to have it. By and by they reach a Town, and into a House goes Andrew, conceals his Animosity till his Belly was full, and they gone to Bed: His Companion falls fast asleep whose Pocket he Ransacked, and in the Morning with the Truckle Bed-Cord, ties him down in the Bed, takes out his Fiddle, cuts out the Belly piece and Shits in it, so macrches away resolving now to set up once more for himself.  
Merry Andrew being parted from his crowding Companion, takes hearty Courage, resolving with himself no longer to lose his time in hunting the Wild-Goose Chase; bethinks himself doing something Meritorious, whereby his Name may become famous to Posterity. In pursuit of which, he resolves with himself that at the next Country Town he should arrive at, to take upon him to be a Man of Learning, Resolving all manner of Astrological Questions whatsoever: when climbing up to the High Rope of Invention, to find some lofty Title suitable and and agreeing with his new Profession, his Brains running the Maze, for some far-fetched Pedigree; at length he styles himself by the Name of Andreugio Guillielmo Philippo the Italian Fortune Teller. Being come to the easy Top of a Neighbouring Hill, looking earnestly about, he descries a pleasant Village, Situated by a River's side not many Furlongs distance, when sitting down upon a Bank, he cleaned his Shoes, and combed his Hair, intending that as he had changed his Name; to change his Countenance too, and so put on Gravity.  
Being come into the Town, and entered his Hostess' Acquaintance, he breaks to her his Intentions, desiring to know of her, whether a Stranger and a Traveller, might find a Reception suitable to his Art and Parts; she candidly delivered her Mind, telling him, that a Man of his Worth and Knowledge, could not miss of Practice answerable to dignity of Quality; and withal thinking it might prove very Advantageous to herself, to promote his Interest. Our new made Fortune Teller, finding himself so kindly Entertained by his Landlady, and that he had so fair a Prospect of Success in his new Intrigue, calls for Liquor plentifully, knowing the only way to get Esteem amongst the Country people, is to show himself Liberal in his Quarters. Having drunk himself to a reasonable pitch, he gins to grow Amorous, pretending a more than ordinary Kindness to one Isabel, with whom he was Kissing and Toying all the Evening, till such time as the Hour grew seasonable for Rest. Having over-persuaded the Wench with his Canting Rhetoric, to make promise that she would come to bed to him, assoon as the House was cleared of all the Guests, and haet Aunt and the rest of the Servants were in bed if he would leave the Door upon the Latch; upon which our new Conjurer quietly betook himself to his Apartment, and is with eager Expectation waiting for his Mistress.  
But his Brains being somewhat stupefied, partly with Drink, and partly with his Days Travel, he had not been in Bed long before he fell into a Slumber; the young Buxom Lass who was earnest for the Enjoyment of her new Lover, lifts gently up the Latch, and prving into the Room perceived him to be asleep, and immediately returns to listen if her Aunt and the rest of the Family were in Bed: She leaving open the Door, thinking than she might enter with less Noise or Suspicion, in the interim, a great Greyhound, whose Custom was to make use of Chairs, Stools, Beds, or any easy Lodging, rather than lay his thin gutted Carcase on the Floor, walks softly into the Room: Our Friend being between sleeping and waking calls to mind his Mistresses Promise, and cries out, Ah my Dear! and Addressing himself to the Bed side, the loving Cur according to his natural Kindness does Lick and Tongue this hot Braind Lover, when clasping his Arms about his Neck, he cries, My Dear! my Delight! let me Embrace thee once in my Arms, to Bed, to Bed my Love, lose now no time; the fawning Beast expected not all this Courtship to his wont Lodging, but leaping upon the Bed, he Embraced him fast about the Middle, when finding his Talons scratched his Posteriors, he Shrieked out, and upon the Noise, the Dog left the Chamber, having taken down the Courage of his Lecherous Bedfellow. Andrew trembles and quakes, and thinks it is a Judgement upon him for pretending to that he understood not; but the Noise hearing, Alarmed the House, up comes the Maid with a Candle, Where? Where? Looking to the Door he sees his frighted Companion shaking his Tail, the Maid demanded the Cause of all the Noise, nothing replies the Conjurer, but a Familiar that I used to have converse with me about things that are lost grew a little troublesome to me; the harmless Maid departs to bed, Levuing him and his hrt Zeal to be finished some other time.  
Next Morning the Landlady gins to publish and applaud the Art and Learning of her Guest; his Name was no sooner spread through the Town, but a Gentleman coming to bait at that Inn, as he was Travelling the Road, had stolen from him a neat Setting Dog, who making his Complaint to the Landlady, telling her he did not care what it cost him, so he could but recover him; gave present order to have him Cried throughout the Town, but could hear no Tidings of him.  
Our ginger having been in the Yard to Ease himself and returning up a back pair of Stairs to his Chamber, he heard a Bustle in an adjoining Closet, peeping through a hole, he saw something shagged, but what sort of Creature he could not plainly discern. Going into his Chamber, he could not discern any way into the Closet, till casting his Eye under the Bed, he perceived the Bottom of a Door, where removing the Bed, he found an old Trunk, wherein lay muffled this lost Setter; which he no sooner saw, but posts down Stairs, where he found the Landlady and her Travelling Guest hot in Dispute about the Dog, and which was the most probable way to retrieve him: The good Woman Recollecting her Memory, calls to mind her New Lodger, informing the Gentleman of his great Art and Skill in Astrology, and discovering of things lost, immediately he was called, and after the Gentleman had paid his Respects to him in a Glass of Wine, he told him that if by his Art he could discovet where his Dog Tray was, he should be Nobly Rewarded: he embraced the Offer, and going into his Chamber with Pen, Ink and Paper he presently erected a Scheme, and making a Circle in the Room, he Thrice waved his Wand round his Head; speaking some hard words he had stolen from the Bowels of an old Play; which no sooner was performed, but Elevating his Voice, he calls out, Canis; Canis, Canis, being so well learned to understand what was Latin for a Dog; this long Ceremony was ended, he desires the Gentleman to withdraw, telling him in few Hours the Dog would come flying into the House. When Releasing the Dog from his close Confinement, having taken good notice of the Room whereto the Gentleman was withdrawn, he crept up to the Top of the House, and finding the Chimney of the Apartment, having provided a large Cracker for this his Lofty Design, whilst the Gentleman sat below in the Height of Merriment, over●ov'd he should once more behold his dear Game Companion, he gave fire to the Cracker, which he had tied to his Tail, and tumbled him howling down the Chimney; his shaggy Carcase beat down all the soot into the Room, which struck such a Terror into the Beholders, that they all Cried out, believing he had raised a Devil he could not lay again. The poor Gentleman being a man of no Extraordinary Courage, through Panic fear let his Brains fall into his breeches, that, what with the stinking of the Soot, and the Excremental favour from the Gentleman's short hose, they thought the Dog had come from Pluto's Territories.  
The Storm being allayed, and the smoky Clouds vanished, the Gentleman departed, rewarding liberally, and highly applauding this ingenious Artist.  
His Fame now rung loud in the Ears of all the Inhabitants, the young Fry came tumbling far and near, some for loft Spoons, Bodkins and Thimbles, Butlers for Plates and Napkins, stolen at Festivals; Young silly Maids to know their Sweethearts, Widows for Husbands, Bachelors for Wives, which they expected could be done by this famous Necromancer.  
He being in the height of his New-Preferment, hears of a Quack or Mountebank, Who was coming to invade his Territories, which set his Brains to work, running to slip flap one over another, to invent some Stratagem whereby he might Expose this New Imposter to the Scorn and Contempt of the Rout.  
The next Market-day appears the Stroling Doctor, who had ordered a Stage to be Erected, which was supported by Two Buffet-Stools, which our Conjuring Artist no sooner saw, but he went immediately to the Tapster, desiring him to help him to an Ingenious Lad, that would attend him that day for his Credit sake, he being resolved to Face that New Upstart; who recommended to him a witty pregnant Boy, who was not long in learning his Lesson, and fit to undertake such an Enterprise.  
The famed ginger being Mounted on a Steed, borrowed of his Landlord, road into the Market place, attended by his Servant, when approaching the Stage, where he beheld his Rival with Eyes full of Indignation, thus deliver himself to the People.  
I am Gentlemen a Traveller, Born in the Country of Hungaria.  
Yes replies our ginger you look like a Hungarian Fellow indeed. What saucy Jack are you? answers the Doctor, who dare Affront me, knowing neither my Learning nor Authority. I am that famous Artist who Cured the Bishop of Munster of the Toothache, and by Virtue of this my rare Elixir, the Great Cham of Tartary of the Cramp in his Tongue.  
As for your Learning and Authority I knew not replies Andrew, how I should understand them, by reason you never had any, and as for your Medicines they are all a Cheat, and you a Quack; And that I will prove, for know Gentlemen That I am that rare Artist which I will make good before you all. For if he be that famous Artist which he says he is, Behold I will fall down and Worship him, but if that honour does belong to me, he then shall fall before me.  
His new Servant having performed his part, and fixed a Rope to the Doctor's stall, ties the other end to his Master's Horses Leg, and gives the sign. The Conjurer rides round, down comes the Stage with the Doctor, at which the People shouted, the Boys hollowed, and with a loud Applause Extolled the Conjurer, whilst they pelted the other into his Inn with Carrots and Turnip Tops. Andrew is thus become publicly Eminent, with the Ruin of his Competitor, and though highly Extolled in the Opinion of the People, an After-Clap from cross Fate fell upon him, to the utter Discredit of his Mysterious Art of Fortunetelling.  
A Person passing through the Town at the same time, discovered him to the Multitude for a Nototorious Cheat, many Laughed at the ingenious Prank he played the Doctor, but finding out his Roguery, the Countenance of their Pleasure was quickly changed, and he forced to fly the Town.  
As 'tis impossible for a Man to live without Food, so it was for him to live without Invention: As he was Travelling the Road, he met with a good Country Housewife having upon her Arm a Basket of Apple Pies, Custards, and such like Things as please Children; he very jocundly steps to her, and says, Good Woman what have you in your Basket? Pies Sir says she, with that turning up the Cloth he handles the Woman's Commodities, and by 'Slight of Hand conveys one into his Pocket, then pretends to the Woman her Pies were not good, saying to her, they are Tough, and hot well baked: I'll show you a Pie I bought at the last Towns End, and with that falls a Eating the pilfered Pie, giving her to by't, to see if she liked it.  
The Woman being too Credulous, was easily persuaded to allow what he said; he seeing her a good likely Woman, was resolved his Design shouldnot end so, but taking her by the Hand, tells her that if she would go to the next House to drink, he would take a Taste of her Things. The Woman being willing to vend her Goods, goes with him, when coming to the House, he finds it well furnished with Children, takeing hold of the Basket, he gave every Child one, saying, I will be your Chapman, thank you Sir, cries the Woman, this is a Lucky Morning, show us a Room, and cries Andrew, and bring us in two Pots.  
The Woman of the House being mightily taken with the Good Nature of her Guest, brings them a Rasher of Bacon also; He by his Insinuation got an absolute Conquest over their Good Opinions, and tippling to a pitch he taking the Advantage of his Landladies blind side, wriggles himself into her Acquaintance, and whilst she stepped into the Pantry to carry away the Bread, he follows his Project, making the Pie Woman measure his Rolling Pin. The Loving Landlady coming in, he pretends to make water, where going forth of the Doors, he leaves the poor Pie woman, and his Landlady equal Partners in the Reckoning. So hasting away he got that Night ●o London, where he could not long want a New Subject for his unwearied Fancy to work upon.  
Being Arrived at London, it is not to be disputed but that he continues as much a Vagabond as ever, and Rambles into all Quarters of the Town to find an Anvil to Forge some new Roguery upon; and very opportunely a Stratagem offered itself, which was, he casting his Eyes upon a Fellow who stood peeping behind a Porch; began to consider what was his Business, he was not long in Apprehending what his watchful Posture meant, but without any more ado, in his Thoughts pronounced him a Bailiff, as he really was. He did not take much time to deliberate what wrs to be done, but steps to him, and says Friend, you have lost; what? replies the Setter, your Man, says Andrew, through the Backside of the— and there paused, what through the Mitre? cries the fellow, I, says Andrew, his Master is gone with him, Not Mr. Hedgley, Yes, yes, says Andrew, and I know where they are gone, pray (says the Dog) go Friend with me to the Plaintiff and tell him what you know, and saw; wirhal my heart says he, I want Employment and consequently Money, you shall be rewarded then says the Setter.  
Away they go to a Tavern hard by, and there the Bailiffs Man tells what Andrew had said, the Plaintiff tells him, if he will assist the Officer in taking this Man, he shall have half a Piece; Andrew told him, it was but a small price for Bone-setting and Plalsters, for that must be Expected, the Persons being Dangerous Men. there's a Crown says the Plaintiff, and when you have finished I will not be ungrateful.  
O but Sir, says Andrew, a Whore and a Bailiff are Callings alike; and neither of 'em is well performed if they have not Money in hand; 'tis the Legs of their Calling, for Souls they have none. Upon this the Plaintiff advanced the other Crown, Well Sir, says Andrew I'll pledge you— a mouthful of food would do well in the End.  
After he had well liquored his Throat, away they Trance about their Man-Eating. Andrew was an Exact Geographer of all the By-Alleys, and secret passages in that part of the Town; so leading them through many intricate Turn, he plants them in an Alehouse, with telling them he will make private inspection, and if yond doubt me, see what House I enter: though they are naturally Credulous, they believe him with so much Caution that a Centinel is placed upon him, which he is not insensible of, which made him more Circumspect and quick in his dispatch.  
Through the Yard they were to pass ran a deep Common-Shore, the Sink of the Neighbouring Houses of Office: He unprops the Door which lay over it, and when he had done, gets over on a post that lay cross, and comes out again, They are safe lodged says Andrew, and when you see me in again, and give the Sign by pulling off my hat two or three times, ran in with all speed, the quicker and thicker you come the more sure it will be. With that away goes he, and no sooner is he over but the Signal is given: they bolt out of the House, striving who should get first in. Coming in that haste and fury all at once on the Brink they all fell in: Andrew steps through the House, leaving them to disengage themselves of the Common Shore, and their stinking Unguent.  
Tho he has Thrived in this Enterprise, 'tis to be believed That he is not Infallible, but may miscarey some other time, as the Sequel of the Action to come will demonstrate. The Bailiffs are Cross bit, but now comes his part upon the Stage.  
Crossing the Fields he met a willing Pinnace her Rigging Fresh and Serviceable, and the boat seemed to swim finely without crying; So ho, to the boats Crew: he grapples with her; she willing to stand the same Course as he stood, tacks and Sails with him; they put into the most convenient Port for their Traffic; resolving to make but a short Voyage.  
They are now in Harbour, where he intends to give himself to dalliance, whilst his Accomplice is as ready as he is urgent. Several endearing expressions pass, they Embrace (only the outward way) in this loving Conflict you will find that they like water Men, looked the way they were not a going: To be brief, she fathomed the bottom of his Pocket Wealth, for what he then had was his All.  
After this she could deny him nothing, and that which he took for a Singular Favour, and more particular Expression of her warm Affections, was only to conceal the Cheat she had put upon him, and prevent his enquiring into the Strength of his Pock●●…. When Andrew had drank her as he thought a Note beyond Discretion, he was then to play the latter part of the Game, which was to leave her for the Reckoning; and to render his Escape less suspicious he wanted not Excuse to go out, nor was she unwilling, who thought it would be a lucky Minute; wherein she should hear that her Gallant was run away from her, and his Purse; which he accordingly did. She no sooner found him gone but the house is paid, and she betakes herself to Shelter. He had not been as he Imagined long in Security, but having an Occasion to consult his Pockets, with Grief and Amazement he found that his Money was all gone; which put him into such a frantic Fit, that he runs over all places as a Wild Bull, that thinks himself robbed of his dear Mulls.  
At Nine of the Clock at Night he stumbles into a Church Yard, where going into the Porch to rest himself, he sits down on a Drunken Sea Man, who had lately received his Ticket-money; he was something startled at first, but being Fearless by Despair, he dives into the then dead Man's Treasure, which was no less at that Instant; but because it was no Jest without doubling his Mischief, he took the debauched Salt water Fith on his Back, and carried him to the Church Gate, where stood a pair of Stocks, and putting his Legs into the Holes, claps down the Top piece, and leaves him, to sleep himself into Freedom, and another Voyage.  
Having thus cleared himself of his debauched Companion, he resolves once more to take the Air, and make a Visit to an old Acquaintance of his a Joiner's Wife, who h●d formerly been his Intimate and familiar Friend, she living not above ten Miles from the City. Setting forth at break of Day, that he might have the Pleasure of the Morning, he marched till he came within four Miles of the place, when drawing near to a House of Entertainment he calls for Drink, but there being no body up in the House but a little Girl, she was loath to let him in: So he travels forward, and having passed the bounds of a Warren, it was not long  he came to a Thatched Tenement, where in the Confines of a little Orchard, his hawks Eye discovered a parcel of Poultry; his Stomach craving for Food he resolves to have a hollow Bit, when taking up a Stone, and making Advantage of the Hedge, he turned up the Heels of a she Cackler, and sitting down in the bottom of the Ditch he pulled forth his Knife, and for haste fleas off both the Skin and Feathers, throwing away all Superfluities, he dissects every par and ties it up in an old Handkerchief. Coming into the same House, he inquires after his familiar way, how their Neighborr Handsaw, the Joiner's Wife did, and whether they thought she might be at home? Yes, says the Good Woman; having sent a Messenger to speak with her, he calls for Drink, telling his silly Hostess that Travelling over the Warren he had bought a Rabbit, desiring her to lend him her Pan to fry it. The woman would willingly have cooked it herself, but he desirous to do it his own way, tells her he intended a Frigacy; which the good Country Soul understood not: Assoon as the Fricacy was ready; in came his old Acquaintance, whom he saluted by the Name of Cousin; the Hostess little thinking how she was cozened by him, they sit down at the Table where having fed lustily he drinks to his Hostess, Ask of her how she like'● his way of dressing a Rabbit; very well Answers the good Wife, I have not Eaten a sweeter bit. He finding no Opportunity there to renew his former Acquaintance with his Cousin, discharges die Reckoning and goes home with her to her own house, Carrying a Pitcher of Liquor with them that they might have no Occasion to send out. Being merrily disposed and their Appetites heightened by the late stolen Collation, they begin to make use of what Nature gave them, The Good Man her Husband who was hard at Work abroad, little thought that his Wife was Cornuting him at home, but it being now Twelve returns to Dinner; and knocking earnestly at the Door put the Lovers into a Fit of an Ague, She neither knowing where to Conceal him, or he how to Escape. As a Woman's Wit is always good at a Pinch, she claps him up the Chimney, and goes to the door, where she receives her Husband with a flattering Smile, whilst he posts to the Cupboard, and finding some Porridge resolves to heat 'em for his Dinner, Scolding and Cursing his Wife for not making a Fire. Hasting to his Work house, he brings an Arm full of Shave, and with the Candle set them a blazeing. Andrew finding his Shoes begin to fry and his Legs scorch, considers it was better to be well Cudgeled for his Lecherous Designs, than stay there and be burned. Thus resolved, he jumps down, and not seeing which way he went, fell with one Leg into the Porridge. The poor Man seeing this party Coloured Ghost, flies out of the Doors, his Wife after him, telling him it was a just Judgement upon him for Cursing and Swearing. Whilst these Two were Arguing, Merry Andrew made his Escape at the Backdoor, over joyed at his so happy Deliverance. Where I shall now leave him to pursue his Rambling Fancy.  
FINIS.