THE PIMPS PREROGATIVE: Exactly and compendiously deciphered in a Dialogue between Pimp-Major Pig, and Ancient Whiskin, two most eminent men in that Faculty, with their exultation at the downfall of Doctor's Commons.  

I fear no Summons,  
From Doctor's Commons.  
I care not a Straw  
For the Bawdy Law.   Pigg. 
WHat Ancient Whiskin? Your face prognosticates a good Term ensuing; you have sure gotten some new acquaintance: I pray resolve me punctually; Are there any handsome young Country Girls lately come to Town that you know of, who have not too much of bashfulness, but are a little entered and partly exercised in their several Postures and Motions, whereby they may be fit to present to an intelligent Heir of ample Revenues?  Whiskin. 
Truly Seigneur Pigg, myself am (I confess) sufficiently experienced in the breeding and bringing up of young Lasses (gramercy good Venus) and have been as glad of such a purchase, as St. Nicholas Clerks of a ponderous Purse; yea, and have paid sound for't too, being cited to appear before a Court of Civilians; and thence indeed is the chief cause of my blithe countenance, to hear of the downfall of those Courts, (I mean the Doctor's Commons, (my Bully-rooke) that is it that elevates my Spirits in Quintoquillio to think upon.  Pigg. 
Let me hug thee for that news kind Ancient: But, art thou sure thou speakest nothing but truth?  Whisk. 
Am I sure that thy face kéeps the old tincture still▪ that never-fading dye, that pure scarlet Nose of thine enami'ld with blue? So sure what I tell thee is truth without exception.  Pigg. 
This thy good news is welcome to me, and, will be seconded with much mirth through all our Quarters. There's not a reverend Matron in all the Suburbs but (for joy to hear of this News) will make her Bottle ale fly like Chambers at the Bankside on a Lord Majors day; we'll have this day registered in the Sister of the Scabbards Calendar, and annually kept Holiday.  Whisk. 
We have good reason so to do; for those Baudy-Courts are such scarecrows to our capering Trade, that we have been so troubled with the Summoners, Apparitors, Promoters, Snap-dragons and Smel-smocks, we could not lie in our beds at quiet for them, but we should have commendations from one spiritual judge or other.  Pig. 
I; and if they met not with us, they would clap a Paper upon the Door as if the house had been infected, or to be let; I know not what a poor they call it, I think a Quorum nomen or some such damned name: by this Charm we were forced presently to walk to the Consisting Court in Paul's; or they would excommunicate us from the Church next Sunday.  Whisk. 
Faith, if they had known our devotion, they would never have troubled themselves so far; our chief trading is on Sundays; so they do us a courtesy, and we may stay away cum privilegio.  Pigg. 
Tush, their Excommunications fright not us; but our Land-ladies (poor souls) lie in most danger; for them they serve after with Excommunicato capiendo; and then our Forts are beleaguered with under-sheriffs, Bum-Bayliffs, Shoulder-clappers, etc. whom we sometimes beat back by violence.  Whisk. 
That happens but seldom Brother; I am sure Madam Burley of Béech-lane was feign to compound and pay the Knave's Quarterage: she durst aswell bide at home a whole Shrove-Tuesday, as deny it. there's an old plump Devil called Beelzebub haunts her often; that Rogue will never be satisfied, he'll devour more Ale than a Legion of Whores (as he terms them) for love whereof he is since turned Brewer.  Pigg. 
Dammée Brother Whiskin, I was ever most troubled with your dapper Clerks; they'll demand the best ware i'th' house, put their hands in their pockets nimbly, and come upon us with an injungendo mandamus; they feed high▪ and are as hot as Goats to be satisfied: I have kept the door forthem at their Coitum, and they pay me as a Usurer does a Nobleman's Porter, with God a mercy Pig: but sometime I help them to a ripe Medlar, and within a week after they will catch a running Nag.  Whisk. 
I, but now we may fit them for their swaggering and stand on our Pantofles; this happy downfall of the Doctor's Commons is as welcome news to our Regiment as a rich Father's death to his Prodigal Son.  Pigg. 
True, jack Whiskin; now my golden days come in: I intent to keep my footboy ere long; my Revenues will quickly swell to a high pith; not a Cockatrice shifts a smock without my privity, nor opens her Shop without my licence. O my conscience were I free of any Company, I should within two years be called upon for Sheriff; a scarlet gown would be come me rarely.  Whisk. 
I grant it, and make thy habit with thy face suitable. The very gild of thy face cost more than any Broker will lend on't; yet 'tis wonderful rich, one can scarce put a pin's head betwixt a Ruby and a Pearl.  Pigg. 
Faith jack how rich so ere it be, it ne'er cost me twopences, I thank my Stars I am respected by the bravest Boys in Town; they grace me with the name of Cousin. I flesh and furnish with variety young Gallants, whose stomaches can digest nothing but raw mutton, and they fill my Fob for't with their bounties, and fox my Nose at their own proper charges. I am now puveying for a Gent. a young Leveret; therefore I must take leave, and cannot stay.  Whisk. 
Well go thy way Tom: thou hast a priority of thy whole Profession: I'll have The destruction of Doctor's Commons proclaimed, that the Lemmonds may trade with more security: they will now keep open-house, dance Levaltoes for joy, and danme a Tun in healths to its confusion.  
Farewell.   

The last Will and Testament of DOCTORS COMMONS.  
I DOCTORS COMMONS, of the Parish of St. benedict's Pauls-Wharfe London, being very aged, and sorely shaken both in Body and mind by a Westminster Ague; and perceiving by general Computation, and sundry apparent Symptoms, that I cannot long continue, but my time draws near to an end; yet nevertheless for the present of perfect memory; (to avoid all Suits and Controversies that hereafter may arise concerning my Estate, or any part or parcel thereof, and to the intent and purpose that my contentious days may be consummated and ended in peace) Do by these presents constitute, ordain, declare and make this my last Will and Testament in manner and Form following.  
First, and principally, I bequeath my Soil to the Salt-peeter-men to be made into Gunpowder, which shall only be employed for the discharge of the new Cannons. Item, I bequeath my whole Bulk and Body to the Earth from whence it came, decently but not sumptuously to be buried, in the Convocation House adjacent to the Cathedral Church of St. Paul's London aforesaid according the discretion of my Executors hereafter named. Item, for my personal Estate, (having never been possessed of any Lands) I willingly bequeath the judges. Vicars-generalls', Chancellors, Commissaries, Arch-Deacons, Deans, Chapters, and their Surrogates; as also all high Commissioners, judges, Delegates, Advocates, and Legum Doctores quoscunque (O G, the great Commissary, alias Dr. Rouen only excepted) to the high Court of Parliament▪ there to be ordered according to their merits and deservings. Item, all my Procurators, Registers, Deputy-Registers, Proctors, Examinors, and public Notaries I bequeath to the Courts of King's Bench, Common-Pleas, at Westminster, there to be admitted Attorneys, (in case there be not enough already, or Prohibition to the contrary.) Item, I will and bequeath all my fifty Pound Clerks to their Friends in the Country, or the justices of Peace and Quorum, to be employed as Clerks use, though wiser than their Worships. Item, I bequeath all my journeymen sub-journeymen, Hackney and Penny-lease Clerks, to Chancery-lane Offices, and Brittanick Sir Hugh Prestar to the Star-Chamber. Item, I will and bequeath all my Pursuivants, Messengers, Apparators, Criers, Summoners, Beadles and Promoters, etc. to the under-Sheriffs, or to be sent to their Father the Devil for he has most right to them. Item, all my Writings, Manuscripts, Records, Transcripts, Prescripts, Postscripts, and Subscripts. I will and bequeath as followeth. All my great Books of Acts to be divided between the Fortune and the Bull; for they spoil many a good Play for want of Action. My Decrees to the Courts of Chancery. My Sentences to those Orators that imitate Tully's Quanquam te Marci Fili etc. My Bonds to large measuring Tailors; my Bills of Transmission to retailing Tobacconists; my incontinent Articles to Bloomsbury. Long Acre, and other places of good Fellowship; My Libels of defamation to all the Scolds at Billingsgate and elsewhere to be ordered by their discretions. Lastly, I will and bequeath my new Cannons, and the Oath, etc. to the Tower to defend him that made them. And all the roast of my Manuscripts, Escripts, Writings, and superfluous Papers whatsoever to Cooks, Bakers, Grocers, and Chandler's. Item, I make the Scotchmen my Executors, (who (I doubt not) but with all diligence will see the execution of this my last Will and Testament, and desire they will see these my Legacies paid and performed immediately after my decease. In witness whereof, I the said Doctor's Commons have hereunto set my hand and Seal this 26. of june in the year of our Lord. 1641.  
Signed, sealed, and declared in the presence of, W. C. R. P. B. K.  
FINIS.   

Imprinted at London in the Year, 1641.