A NEW DIALOGUE Between Dick of KENT, AND Wat the Welshman.  
Filled up with many pretty Conceits, written and Printed on purpose to make folks merry in time of sadness.  
By LAURENCE PRICE.  
This New conceited Book will move Delights,  
And serve to pass away some dolesome days,  
Also the tedious melancholy nights,  
For in the same is many a pretty phrase.  
No harm at all is in't but mirth and joy,  
Then buy it first, then bear't with you away.  
LONDON, Printed for John Andrews at the White Lion in the Old-Baily. 1654.   

  

A New Dialogue between Dick of Kent, and What the Welshman.  Dick of Kent. 
COme who buys my new merry Books?  

Here's new News, and true News,  
from all the world ever,  
From Scotland, from Holland,  
from Calais, and Dover.  
News as you shall understand,  
From every part of fair England,  
News from Bristol, and from Gloucester,  
News from Worcester, and from Sicester,  
News from Cornwall, and from Wales,  
From Sussex Hils, and Surrey Dales.   

Amongst the rest 'tis my intent  
To speak of News come out of Kent;  
Then what is he that will refuse  
To buy my new conceited News   Wat the Welshman. 
I prithee if thy News be so good, let me hear thee read it, peradventure here are some that will buy some of thy News books to carry into the Country with them, and others that lives in the City will buy News to make themselves merry at home, for all the world now adays desires to hear News, and since we have not seen each other this many a long day, I would have thee in the first place to tell me where thou hast been, how thou hast behaved thyself, and what honourable deeds thou hast done since thou hast been out of England, for I understand thou hast been a Traveller in foreign Countries.  Dick. 
Why then I'll tell thee such strange News,  
That cannot choose but make thee muse.  Wat. 
Speak on, and spare not, for I long to hear thee discourse.  Dick. 
When first I took my leave of my native Country Kent, where I was born, I took shipping at Dover, and landed at Calais in France.  Wat. 
Well, speak on.  Dick. 
I traveled through many parts of France, and was made wonderful welcome in every place where I came, so long as my money would hold, and afterwards I took up Arms, and became a Soldier.  Wat. 
Were't thou a Soldier in France?  Dick. 
There's never a man in all this company can deny it.  Wat. 
How long wast thou a Soldier?  Dick. 
So long as till I had received a push with a Pike, a cut with a Sword, a knock with a Pole axe, and a shot with a Bullet, and then I threw down my Arms, and betook myself to my legs.  Wat. 
How many men didst thou kill, whilst thou wast in the Wars of France.  Dick. 
I killed but one man.  Wat. 
What but one man, tell me how thou didst kill that one man?  Dick 
I did cut off his legs.  Wat. 
O thou fool, thou shouldest have cut off his head.  Dick. 
Why thou silly Ass, his head was cut off before.  Wat. 
But what shift didst thou make to come into England again.  Dick. 
I did as others had done before me, I traveled from one place to another, I made many excuses, sometimes I got in favour with my Hostices and Landladies, sometimes with the Maids, sometimes good Fellows would bestow kindness upon me, and so by degrees I came to a place where was a Ship bound for England, in which I happily got into, and in a short time was landed in Cornwall.  Wat. 
What is the best news in Cornwall, Devon shire, , Dorset, Wiltshire▪ Bristol, Gloucester shire, Worcestershire, Cicester, Hamp shire, Surry, Sussex, and all the rest of the Countries which thou hast passed ●●o●ow since thou camest on shore, tell me the truth of all as near as thou canst, and it will be a credit for thee all the days of thy life, for the old Proverb runs thus; Tell truth and shame the Devil.  Dick. 
Why then the truth of the matter is this, That in all the parts of England where I have been, the Country people are much like the Citizens of London, there is covetousness, Perjury, Forgery, Extortion, Drunkenness, Whoredom, Blasphemy, Wrathfulness, Pride, Envy, Hatred, and Malice, insomuch that a man can hardly know his friends from his foes.  Wat. 
How do the people stand affected to Religion, or what opinion are they of? if thou canst give me satisfaction, and answer me safely to this question, I shall love thee the better all the days of my life, and it will be a means to make thy Books sell the better all England over.  Dick. 
As for my part I will tell you nothing but what I have heard, seen, and known by experience, and thus it is; In all places through England the people are of many several opinions concerning Religion, some says the Old Religion is the best, some holds with the Papist, some with the Protestant, some with the Anabaptist; some are of this opinion, that we shall never see nor have good days in England till such time as the Book of Common Prayer is read in all the Churches and Parishes in England, according as it was in former times; and others there be that would have all the Churches pulled down.  Wat. 
This cannot choose indeed but breed a great distraction through every City, Shire, and Country in England, Scotland, Wales, and any other place where such do is used; are not former friends become new enemies about these matters?  Dick. 
Too true it is, that friends are become enemies about this matter, for this makes the business so heinous amongst many that the Father cannot abide his own Children, the Wife cannot agree with her Husband; the Brothers and Sisters falls to discord, and one Neighbour is ready to pick out another Neighbours eyes, and all about matters of Religion, and sundry opinions; and to be brief, this makes rich men to despise the poor, and many poor men to fall into despair, and except it be the sooner prevented, it is like to bring the whole Land to destruction.  Wat. 
Now Brother Dick I see that thou hast thy wits about thee, and moreover I find thee to be a man of a good Conscience, for thou hast spoken the truth to the life, but now I would desire thee to leave off thy solid discourse, and to talk of some merriment, which may make thy auditors a little light-hearted.  Dick. 
Then will I tell thee of a Jest that was done in Old Street near unto London, & this it was; A man that married a wife for lucre of twenty pound, of which he had ten pound readily in hand, and the other ten pound he was to receive at the birth of his wife's first Child, but he either for want of skill, or ability, could not get his wife with child himself, and therefore hired another man, and promised to give him one half of the money if he would undertake to do the deed for him, which bargain being made he brought the man to his wife's Bed, and so she thinking it had been her Husband, there being no light in the room, entertained him very kindly at the first, but when she found by his actions that it was not him that she looked for, she presently cried out so loud, that although it was twelve a clock at night, that her Neighbours heard her cry, and came running to help her; whereupon her Husband and the other both departed, and so the room was rid of a couple of knaves.  Wat. 
This was a notable Jest indeed, it is well the good woman saved her honesty, but for her Husband's part I wish him no other punishment but this; That he might have a tired Horse to ride a long journey in dirty weather, with a Whore behind him, and never a penny in his pocket, and to be kept fasting both from meat and drink, till such times that he have made his honest wife satisfaction for the wrongs he did her. And now I will tell thee of as good a jest as this which was done in Wales.  Dick. 
Prithee speak on, for I have heard no news cut of Wales since the Welsh Ambassador left off his merry Note.  Wat. 
There was upon a high craggy Mountain in a Town where no body dwells, two men which sent their wives to Market to buy provision for their families, but by the way as they were going, one of the women seeing a handsome young man coming to meet them, took an occasion to stay behind, her neighbour being willing to have some secret discourse with the young man, so the one woman being gone before, the young man met with the other; and so having made a hasty bargain, he laid her down in a haycock.  
But what he did to her I cannot tell,  
It seems she pleased the young man well.  Dick 
Well, but what came after all their business, let me know that?  Wat. 
The young man gave her half a crown  
For the kindness she to him had shown.  
And so having taken her leave lovingly of the young man went apace, and quickly overtook her neighbour, and to make short of my Tale, she bought herself a new pair of shoes with the half crown which she had gotten by the sweat of he But—; at night when they came home to their husbands, one with a new pair of shoes, and the other almost barefoot, wherefore the one man demands of his wife what should be the reason she had not got her a new pair of shoes as well as her neighbour; Marry quoth she the other woman lay with a man in a hay cock, and he gave her half a crown, and that was the money which bought her the new shoes.  Dick. 
Well, what said her husband to her then?  Wat. 
You Whore quoth he, were not you as well able to get the money as she, for this cause will I never buy thee new shoes again whilst I live, and therewith all fell a beating his honest wife, as if he would have killed her, who falling on her knees crying out, Good husband, hold your hands at this time, and the next time that I go to the Marker, I will get new shoes for you and myself too.  Dick. 
This was such a trick that I never heard the like in all my life, and it is fit that that man should sound be punished for his faults with more severity than he that put another man to bed with his wife.  Wat. 
Well, what punishment wouldst thou allot him if thou mightest rule the roast.  Dick. 
I would have him on a hot Sun shining day to be stripped stark naked, to be anointed with Hampshire-hony, & to be tied to a Post, till such time the Bees had eaten up his flesh, and afterwards I would have his bones not to be buried, but to be thrown into Cuckolds-haven, and that all the Cuckolds both in London and in the Country, might blow their Horns, and make a Holy day for his sake.  
Come, who buys my New Merry Books?  
FINIS.