THE PROCTOR AND PARATOR their Mourning: OR, The lamentation of the Doctor's Commons for their Downfall. Being a true Dialogue, Relating the fearful abuses and exorbitancies of those spiritual Courts, under the names of Sponge the Proctor, and Hunter the Parator.  
Printed in the year 1641.   

THE PARATOR and the Proctor.  Hunter the Parator. 
MAster Sponge, how goes the world with you nowadays? What? have you good store of gain come in? Do Clients flock about you, as Bees about a Tarre-pot? It's now full Term, you may line your pockets with Cash; make them pay dear that come for your help: for I think it is the only way to make men live in quietness, to beggar them with long suits and large fees.  Sponge the Proctor. 
Well, well mad Hunter, we have had brave times, I confess, and I have not spared to cut large thongs of other men's hides: we had almost gotten the whole power into our own hands; but now I protest, the Devil I think owed us a mischief: for these times are worse for us then Dog-days be for sick folks; but how rides the rack with you? for you keep compassing the City, as the Devil does the earth, to torment poor men.  Hunter. 
Compassing, say you? I compass ground enough, I confess; and not long since have gotten good booty from transgressors against holy days, of Chandler's, Alehouses, Taverns, Tobacco-shops, Butchers, Comfit-maker's, Gunsmiths, Bakers, Brokers, Cooks, Weavers, & divers other malefactors against our terrible Canons and Jurisdiction: for had I but given them a severe look, I could by that means have made them draw their purses, or else they knew whither they were to be fetched up with a Coram Nomine. I have put 80 of these fearful Birds into one net, & I always held correspondency with the Clarks of Parishes, so that I could stand by a pillar in the Church, and hear them all excommunicated at once, by the poor Curate, who durst not disobey for fear of the mighty command of the Judges of the Courts, whose awful injunctions were as formidable to such 10. li. a year fellows, as Canon shot to young Seamen. Ah Mr. Sponge, you know what prizes I have fetched into the harbours. I tell you the name of the Doctor's Commons was as terrible to these, as Argier is to Galleyslaves.  Sponge. 
For my part I always covenanted with the Parator my setter, and paid him, but I sat at home like one of the Spanish Inquisitors, and framed Interrogatories against them that he brought in, all my care was to make sure work with them, I had a way to chain them as fast in our Purgatories, as thiefs are in Newgate, or as blind Bears are to a stake, while we went about, and whipped them sound.  Hunter. 
I'll assure you, if the tide had kept on, I had intended to have done some great matter or other: for I had several ways to get wealth by, as by Popish Recusants, by Seminary Priests, for concealing their haunts, and divers of their holy Nuns, and young Novices which harbour in several places in and about the town, whose starting holes I knew as well as themselves. I got no small trading by the Brownists, Anabaptists, and Familists, who love a Barn better than a Church, and would come off roundly and secretly, with good feelings, whose disciples for the most part are females, and yet often decline to the common gender: but I had divers other courses to fetch in coin; how dreadful hath my citation been to poor Curates, Lecturers, and Schoolmasters Ushers, that have been willing to officiate their places without licences; and though they had general licences, yet I knew how to fetch them into captivity for special licences, which was gainful to you Mr. Sponge, though their places were scarce worth the charges for taking out their licences.  Sponge. 
I' faith Hunter thou sayest true, I have had many a good fee by thy procurement, 'twas sweet fishing in troubled waters, 'twas best for us when men sinned most: what bribes have I had for purgations beyond those of Physicians or Mountebanks? Country wenches would sell their petticoats rather to pay us, then to endure a white sheet; how have we thriven by their wantonness? we would take what we pleased, 'twas but complying with the Surrogate, or bribing the Judge's Clerk, and at last sum up all with an jujungimus coram judice competente.  Hunter. 
O the thought of my quondam employments, with the constant in comes that I had by my general usurpation! for I picked something out of all professions by right or wrong, makes my heart doubt that our best times are gone: now what a fool was I Mr. Sponge, that would not make nay when the Sun shined? I protest what I got unjustly, I spent as lavishly. I am afraid that beggary, if not disgrace, will accompany my old age: I knew how to fetch coin from Lecturers, who as I made them believe, would be silenced because they supplied their places too diligently; nay, I have got well too by some of their auditors for leaving their own parish Churches and Ministers, and gadding after strangers. I lost not all neither by giving Informations and intelligence to the Bishop's Pursuivants, to find out the covies of many that were hidden, and heard Sermons in private, for feat of the censure of the high Commission, and of going to prison. An old Hare had not more muses to deceive the hounds, than I had to receive cash by deceiving the people.  Sponge. 
O brave, and experienced controller, I did not come much short of you: for I tied my followers in cases of the Courts, as fast as birds be in lime twigs; when a cause has been ready for sentence and small determination, I knew what to say and do to the Judge. It was but by getting the case put off, as I would pretend for the good of my Client. I knew how to get an order, in pro●: but while I pretended his good, I intended my own profit. We had ways to persuade men to make appeals from the Archdeacon's Courts to the Chancellors, from the Chancellors to the Bishops, from that to the Archbishops, from that to the Delegates, and high Commission, & here we cooped them in as surely as so many Foxes do so many Geese: for these two Courts are our rendevouz, we accounted them our Bear-gardens for to worry men's purses; I am persuaded we tormented them almost as bad as the Devil did job. Men that appealed, did as fish do, who leap out of the frying pan into the fire.  Hunter. 
I know that you knew all the toils to catch men: I protest, I hold the Proctors to be worse than Sergeants, and the Doctor's Commons as dangerous a den as either the Poultry or Woodstreet Counter: for here men are tormented because they want money, but in the Commons they are punished most for having too much money: the Counters take birds in, that almost want feathers, this place receives such as are over-laden with feathers: the Counters afford some relief to men that are undone, but the Commons take away relief from men that they may be undone. Ah, Mr. Sponge, you know that Horsleeches do not more eagerly suck blood from men's bodies, than you do money from their purses. Such as came up with crammed bags full of silver in one term, you knew how to metamorphose silver into a little parchment, and a red seal▪ it was well if they could put up johannes Lamb, legum Doctor & Miles, into an office box, it made not much for Jacobusses in their purses, so that they could but show his Injungimus & mandamus when they returned home.  Sponge. 
In troth (Hunter) though men might have learned wit by others sufferings, yet people would flock to us as so many simple Ducks to a Decoy; we had almost taught all England to be Courtiers, no day in the week but we had one return or other, we feared no vacation as long as women could talk: for there would be matter of defamation to work upon by their scolding; we got great employment by women's tongues, too much talking and lying (I mean) on their backs. Bow Church in Cheapside was the place of our imbatrailing for the Arches, where we got well by bawling out upon Domine judex, Domine Index. Surely that Chancel had need to be new consecrated: for it was sound polluted by scolding, railing, lying, dissembling, foisting, cogging, jeering, false latin, and corrupt judgement. Smithfield could scarce afford so many cheating Ho●se coursers on a friday, as we could Councillors. Doctors, Proctors, Advocates, Clerks, public Notaries, Registers, Pursuivants, and such Beagles as you are, Hunter, whom we accounted as so may Panders to our spiritual courts, or like so many Egyptian flies that would be busy to spoil a good cause by false oaths and a quart of Sack to enrich their polluted noses with Carbuncles and Rubies. Is not this true?  Hunter. 
True say you: well Sir, we had our private gains that we merely gulled you of▪ for how many fruitful Lasses have we made use of, & have got good monies for concealing them from your Courts? we did as much knavery under decks, as you could practise above board▪ all Gristes came not to your Mills; if the wenches, were either willing, or rich, or handsome, we gave them liberty to use their own by our concealment, we had ways enough to keep them out of your purlieus, but if they were old, deformed, and half rotten; and poor, than we would put them into your places of trial; so that alas! we gave you the offals, but kept the choice bits for our own palates, thinking that old Bawds and crafty Proctors were best bawling together.  Sponge. 
Alas! simple gull, do you suppose that our revenues came in but at one door? we had the chief enquartering in that large Cathedral, where our Radamanth's sat in their Pontificalibus, as at Consistories, the Courts of Audience, the Court of Faculties, the Prerogative, the high Commission these Court days, together with the Court of Admiralty, were our Halcyon days: these were our full Marts, Bees were never more busy when they swarm, than we Hornets and Caterpillars were at these times: the cackling and number of Jackdaws upon the steeple, were not equal to us in the Church: you should have heard such a humming and buzzing in our Courts, that the noise at Babel's confusion, or at the routing an Army, did scarce exceed it. Oh how terribly have I sweat in yawling to the Judge, not so much desiring to be heard, as to keep up the noise. No kennel of hounds hath been heard with deeper notes or louder throats: for we had good setters, and those that would pay any thing to hear & see us busy to no purpose, though we might as well have been absent as our Clients themselves, and lived more quietly and honestly.  Hunter. 
Nay, stand not boasting too much of your own happiness you dealt by the Judges as we did by you, you lived all the year upon their corruptions, and we thrive by yours: for as the Proctor is the Judge's honey pot, so the Parator is the Proctors; as the Judge will starve a cause without a feeling, so a Proctor will wart a cause without a Parator. Hereupon we do usually receive some bribe for a new-years gift, and the Judge he expects a good piece of plate for his favour showed in ending causes according to the Proctor's desire: so that in plain terms the Proctors must fee the Parator to bring in game, and he must fee the Judge to keep them fast when they are in. But now Mr. Sponge, let's leave off this, and talk of some thing else: I pray you what news hear you of late?  Sponge. 
Pish, what dost ask me of news? I had thought thou hadst brought in some Will to prove, or to procure some licence for some peccant Wench or other that hath been a Merchant Adventurer before she hath had all her tackling fitted; or else that thou hadst brought me notice of some zealous honest Minister that preaches twice a day, and above an hour at a time: some of those that will not christian a child with the sign of the cross, or not wear a Surplice, a Cap, & Hood; or one that would not read the book of lawful recreations, or such a man as will prove the Sunday to be a Sabbath, or will not read second Service at the Altar, or not bow at the name of Jesus, or else who doth speak against our Courts, or preaches against double beneficed men, or Organs, or Copes, singing men, or the like: This, this had been something, I would have trounced him in our Courts, I would have framed as many Articles against such a man, as that Accuser the Devil could.  Hunter. 
Prithee bear a little, Mr. Sponge: thou knowest what service I have done thee this way, but now I dare not so much as question any such, for so I might quickly have enough about me. Alas know Mr. Sponge, you and I must be very cautelous how we move those things: do you know that those rags and relics of Rome's superstition are derided? how they are laughed at by Apprentices; in faith, let them that will wear them, maintain them: for I see how the whole body of our rich Clergy are now put to it, they cannot uphold them; and I fear the Doctors of the Commons will be fetched before their betters in Parliament, touching such needless points, if not sound fined to the King for so unjustly defending them. I do ●hink it will go as hardly with our Judges for these things, as it doth with the Judges for maintaining the lawfulness of Ship-money. Ah! indeed when things were not so strictly looked into by wise Senators, than we might; but now, since things are better ordered by the honourable Parliament assembled, it is folly to look after those matters: though I confess it is one of the greatest batteries that has been made against our profession; but we must bear. I am afraid of hard times, I think it is best for me turn Cobbler or Chimney sweper, to get something quietly, then to run such hazards.  Sponge. 
Faith Hunter, me thinks ever since the Parliament hath sitten, I have not seen that courage and authority in our Judges, as before; there is no such flocking to Lambeth as there had wont to be, now the supporter of the Doctor's Commons is gone to the Tower, all his favourites are mainly decayed. It is but a Roman fashion, if the Doctors of the Commons double beneficed men and Proctors be sound punished and fined. Trajan the Emperor when he knew the people squiezed and oppressed them, than would he suffer the oppressors of them to be retalliated. Now our Doctors and the rest have been large this way: they may justly expect a requital. I doubt me the payment of such fines will be a case clean contrary to their consciences.  Hunter. 
I do not much fear: for I have nothing to lose, I am sure of it I can plead, that I have done a great deal of service to my country, in causing old fornicators and adulterers, who usually fell into dirty ditches, to mend and repair the high ways, and to make good cawsies for prevention for time to come; witness the high way betwixt Wells and Glastenbury, and betwixt Lichfield and Coventry, and many other places which are now made serviceable by my informing against other men's sins. What say you to this diligence of mine?  Sponge. 
Alas! your labour is nothing to what I have done in the Prerogative Court, by protracting a cause concerning a Will: first, I have made them prove a forged will communi forma, and then protracting the cause, after 12 year's space I have made them prove it per testes, & then to discharge the forged will so proved, thus, with Annihilamus, Cassamus, & irritamus, & pro nihilo habemus Rogeri, etc. And by this course I have made work for Westminster Hall Practitioners for the space of seventy years after: a captivity long enough to be endured by any (as I suppose) in those Law Toils, which are as troublesome to poor Clients, as Iron Fetters be to captived prisoners.  Hunter. 
Well, well, Master Sponge, let us not boast too loudly of these exploits, there are so many overseers now, that it is best if we can sleep in a whole skin; I shall desire thus much, that you would pray that I may not be caught in my own snares, and I will do so much for you that if possibly it may, that you may escape a general squeezing, but I fear that both of us shall smart for our faults already committed.  Sponge. 
We must endure it, for there is no hopes of escape, and a man had as good almost be hanged at home, as drowned or hanged abroad: well, I will give myself a general suspension from practice as yet; and if I escape this storm, I shall think myself happy for ever; and so farewell Hunter, for you see how our Doctor's Commons is more like a desolate wilderness for wild beasts, than men; no Clients appear to us in our Circles, and this certainty of the Triennial Parliament cuts our combs for ever doing any great exploits for aftertimes.  Hunter. 
I am sorry to see these days, but yet I will not cast away hope, for if all fails, He turn Journey man to Gregory the hang man, for it is reported he has great trading; any thing rather than stand out, better live by a Rope then by the Pope.  
FJNJS.