ROOM FOR MIRACLES; OR MIRACLES FROM ROOM A Cart-Load for a Penny.  
Pleasantly yet truly Exposing the Wonderful Fopperies Imposed by the Popish Church, to be Be●ieved by Her catholic Children.  
To which is added a Lump of Holy relics, worth no Body knows What, as a Cast into the Bargain.  
Whose coming is after the Works of Satan, with Signs and Lying Wonders,  2 Thes. 2.9. 
LONDON, Printed for Stout D. 1673.   

To the Reader.  
FInding our late Dialogue between his Holiness, and his Cloven-footed Tutor, Bought up as fast as Gazzets after a Sea Fight, Encourages us to play the Fool once more, and present thee with an Oglio of their miracles, for a christmas Dish: dressed they were all, we assure thee, by Cooks of the Popes one kitchen, and past for no small Delicacies in former Times, however Sawc'd here a little Facetiously to Taste more briskly on thy Palate. Let our Graver Authors Baffle Romish Arguments and Pretences to Reason, our Design is only to Manifest the Rediculousness of that Religion, that so weaker Heads( apt to be taken with its Pomp and Gaytie) may henceforth behold such Pagentries rather with Contempt than Wonder: When this is done, the jesuits may go whistle for proselytes, unless( according to their practise) amongst the Convicts of Newgate. If any think we speak too Jocasly of these wonderful Faculties, we doubt not but our catholic Confessors in their Budgets of Pardons, have One for Drollery, especially, since themselves have been so Blasphemously bold as to Entitle that Buffoon of their party, friar Juniper, Jaculator Christi, the Jester( I tremble to repeat it) of our Blessed Saviour. To coin these pitiful Miracles, was the employ of lazy Monks, in Ages of a pitchy Ignorance, thereby to Decoy silly Souls to an aweful regard of their Cheating Idolatries. If thou shalt welcome This with thy former Indulgence we may perhaps Weekly trouble thee with some fresh Piece of Popish Fopperies, wherein thy hazard shall be but a Penny, which yet may possibly Divert thee for an Hour, no less Innocently than a Game at Whist, or Cribbidg; who knows but such obliqne Glances may warm and Enlighten, as kindly as perpendicular Rays, and small Twig'd Rods give smarter Lashes, than some more laboured Consultations of catholic Nonsense.  
farewell.   

ROOM FOR Miracles and relics, &c.  
THough Reason tell us, that only New Revelations want New Miracles to Evidence them Divine. And holy Scripture Teaches, That the Doctrine of the Gospel stands not in need of any further Miracles, since it hath long since been so sufficiently Confirmed: That if an Angel from Heaven should Teach otherwise, and offer Miracles to Vouch his Doctrine, he were worthy to be Accursed; yet the Church of Rome to prop up her Traditions, pretends these Miraculous Operations to be far more frequent now, than in the Primitive Times: Well may the heretics( saith she) pretend Miracles Ceased, being conscious of their own dull Inefficacy and confessed Disability to perform them, whilst the catholic Church has in all Ages given visible Marks of her Infallible Authority, and Unlimited Jurisdiction, by multitudes of Incredible, as well as unpara●lel'd Miracles.  
Of these wonderful Operations, that certainly deserves to led the Van( though ordinarily and constantly wrought) which every pitiful hedge Priest by virtue of his Office, dares chal●enge to Exercise, even to Create his Maker, and fetch down the Body of the Glorified Jesus from Heaven to the Altar, as suddenly as the Sun can diffuse his Be●ms of Light: And though he Consecrate a Thousand Wafers at a time, and a Thousand such Consecrations be made in several places at the same time, yet the whole Christ is there Bodily in every place, in every of the Wafers, at the same instant, and yet nothing to be seen, felt, nor tasted, but plain common Wafers still. For not believing this heap of Absurdities, how many Thousands have suffered cruel Martyrdom?  
In the next place deservedly Marches St. Francis( Christs Standard-bearer they call him, and Jesus Typical) Heaven and Earth are filled with Astonishment at his Wonders: What should we Talk of his puny Miracles, as instructing of a Sheep to go to Church with him, to kneel devoutly there, and bear a part when he Sung the sacred Anthems: Of his swallowing a Spider at Mass, which crept out again whole at his Thigh: Of Water fetched in an instant out of a Rock, for an Honest man that had lent him an Ass( for you know one good Turn requires another;) or of a Lock of his Hairlaid in the Crack of a Wall, which made up the Breach without mortar. It would be endless to stand Retailing his Stock of Miracles, since the History of his wonderful Conformitys to Christ, lately published with great Authority, doubts not to tell you in gross, that whatever Christ did, Francis has done the same: And that he has Transcended Christ in his Miracles. Our Saviour turned some few Vessels of water into Wine, but Francis turned a whole Fountain so.( I know an hundred Good Fellows wish it had been Lambs Conduit, but it seems he carried it with him into 〈◇〉 World, for there is no such thing to be found in this.) Our Sav●our Raised some few from the Dead, but St. Francis raised a Thousand more out of Purgatory: Attended with all which Train, his Soul was visibly seen march to Heaven in the shape of a Fl●●●er-Mo●k, but by the way was Triumphantly met by Christ, and his blessed Mother, &c. and placed amongst the highest Order of Serap●i●s, in the vacant S●at formerly belonging to Lucifer.  
What say you to St. Fingare, who Sailing from Ireland on a broad Leaf( supposed to be a cabbage Leaf) into cornwall; being martyred by the Tyrant, carrried her head in her arms( just as the great French St. Denis did) up to a Hill not far off, intending to bury it there; but being disturbed with the Scolding of some B●●●insgate Gossips, trudged with it down again into the Valley, and washing it in a satyric and span new Well that sprung up there just then on purpose; quietly butted both it and her self.  
Can the heretics show such a merciful Saint as the Abbot of Willar, who to save a poor womans Longing, killed his Ox, and gave the poor Soul almost a quarter of it, which yet was found next morning a●ive and whole, Grazing in his Pasture. Or such a patient Saint as mistress clear, who stood ston still from Holy Thursday in the afternoon, till the Saturday night, thinking of just nothing at all; or rather, As another Sister Saint in Ireland; who putting her hand by chance out of a Window, a Thrush came and laid her Eggs in her Hand, where the good woman stood without moving hand or foot till those Eggs were hatched, and in all likelihood, stirred not till the pretty Birds were fledged.  
Saint Brendan, for seven long years together, celebrated his Easter upon a Whales back, which he at first mistook for an iceland; But finding his Error, with a prayer or two he fixed the Sea monster from starting, and at last Whipt and spurred him as far as the Earthly paradise; from whence( as Luck would have it) they both came safe home. But whether afterwards the Whale lay Lieger all the seven years, or came courteously every Easter to find out St. Brendan, and offer the Service of his back to so holy a purpose( because the Earth could not afford Room enough for such a precious business) we cannot certainly inform you.  
moil is the Legend of friar Tony of Padua, who finding his Labour lost in persuading heretics, went to the Sea-side, and called the Fishes together, who suddenly in whole Shoals assembled themselves; and lifting up their Heads above Water, listened most attentively to his powerful Preaching, and no doubt turned good catholics, As appeared by their silence: Which success stirring no sma●l Envy in the peevish heretics; They inviting the Holy man to Supper, Set before him a great ugly Toad, Urging him with that precept in the Gospel, ( Whatsoever shall be set before you Eat.) But what does he, but makes a across over it with his finger, and turns it immediately into a brave fat Capon, piping hot from off the Spit.— And now Reader, if thou hast a stomach to such Miracles as these, fall to and welcome.  
Augustine( I mean the Monk not the Venerable B●shop of Hippo) by Reading one Mass, raised up two Souls out of Purgatory; one a Laymans, who dyed Excommunicated for not paying his tithes 150. years before; The other that of the Priest who excommunicated him, but at the Monks Entreaty, the priest who excommunicated him, but at the Monks entreaty, the priest absolved the Lay-man, and away they marched to Heaven good Friends.  
And now we talk of Excommunication, let me tell you not a few Miracles have been done by that trick. The Abbey of Fusniack, was horribly infested with Flies, St. Bernard comes and solemnly Excommunicates the saucy Inserts, whereupon next morning these noisome Guests are found all dead on the floor. A white leaf do( but let a Priest repeat the words of Excommunication over, it) shall t●rn as black as a Coal. And when Robert Brooks was Excommunicated by St. Thomas Becket,( and thereby become Jumentum Diabelt) the very Dogs refused to take the bones from his hands, and as readily snatched them away being tendered by others.  
A Synoa being assembled at Wilton in England heretofore, to debate the lawfulness of the clergies Marrying. The very Crucifix( if it were not some knavish Priest behind it) cried out, Ye shall never yield that the Clergy shall mary; And so the bus●ness was determined.  
Can any of the silly Protestants boast such a Favourite of Heaven as friar Benedict; who having it seems a particular kindness for the Prophet Daniel, had a Moneths mind to visit his Tomb in Babylon, but being somewhat disheartened with such a tedious ●ourney, and fear of a Dragon, that he was  told had the Custody of it: One day as it happily fell out, comes me a huge terrible Dragon( bigger than that from which St. George rescued his fair S●brina) and wraping him up in the Curls of his long sweeping tail, flies away with him to rights to Babylon( was not the poor Saints heart at his mouth think you all this while) And set him down there as gently as if it had been his Mistress, close by the said Tomb; where he viewing the Sacred Corps, made so bold out of his deep Devotion, as to cut of a finger and steal it away for a precious relic; which done, the friendly Dragon is ready to take him up a pick-pack, and return him sound as a fish to his Cell.  
St. Christina dying in her Childhood, was most kindly welcomed into Heaven; but withal, was offered the civility to take her choice, whether she would stay there still in Happiness, or return to Earth again, for her greater Merits, in delivering Parboil'd S●uls out of Purgatory Torments. She like a good natured girl chooses the latter, and down soop she comes again into this Lower World; but not enduring the stench of mens sins, still keeps her residence at some distance aloft, perching on the Tops of the Tallest Trees and highest Pinac●es; where she satisfies her Hunger with the Milk of her own Breasts, no matter though she were a Virgin. Dionysius the Carthusians had seen her at it a Sucking of her self a hundred times.  
There is indeed a World of like Miracles, whereby the Romish religion is honoured and confirmed. St. Bridget having given( out of Charity you must know) a good piece of Bacon to a fawning Cur, yet found it again after he had eaten it, restored in her Kettle and eat it her self. Another time signing a new born infant with a across, she caused the Child to disown its supposed Father, and cry out a loud. The Bishop of Broen is not my Father, but yonder poor man that fits at the lower end of the Table: Truly I think the Child was almost as Miraculous as the Saint, that he could know his own Father so readily; If the sign of the across did retain the same virtue still, perhaps few of our Women now adays would care to have it used at their Children baptism.  
To conclude, who would willingly across the Alps, though always Perriwig'd with Snow, barefoot in a devout Pilgrimage, to see that holy building of our Ladies chapel, That( God knows why or when) traveled Miraculously two thousand miles at one Stage, all through the Air, from Palestina to Loretto, or to behold a thousand more notable Monuments of both Ancient and Modern Saints, and their Sacred relics; As St. Joseph's Breeches( And if you please Lipsius, his that he offered to our Lady too Boot) St. Anns Comb, Judas his lantern, &c. but especially who would not be greedy to view those Immortal relics, The Feather of the Angel Gabriel; and the read Velvet Buckler, still reserved in a Castle in Normandy, which the Arch-Angel Michael made use of when he Combated the Dragon: In all which Monuments, there is not so much Miracle in their Preservation, as in their Supernatural Multiplication, That the same across which Simon of Cyrene bore on his back, should now be able to Load a Ship. And whereas John the Baptist, lost but one Head, there are now two to be seen, one at Amyens in France; the other at St. Silvesters Abbey in Rome; And these both whole. Besides, a multitude of Parcels and Fragments of it elsewhere.  
But of all this we may have a Reason in the Story of the Nails, wherewith our Saviour was fastened to the across; at first they were but three in all, and Constantine caused one of them to be put in his Horse Bridle which he used in the Wars; the Second in his Helmet to stick his Plum of Feathers in; The Third he flung into the adriatic Sea, in a Tempest to Calm the Raging Waves: yet now in Several Churches, you shall see a Do●en or Sixteen of those Nails, for which catholic Doctors give this Reason, That the Nail cast in●o the Sea, took upon it the Nature of a Fish and spawned a great many other little Nails, which has produced this multitude. And now I hope your Curiosity is satisfied in the Point.  
Further you are to know that all those Holy relics, you have their peculiar Miracles, as the Saints above have their peculiar employments. For as the Heathen Romans, Erected Temples to the Green Sickness and Ague for want of Wit: So these catholic Romans for want of Grace, have suited their canonised Patrons to all occurrences. Thus on St. Johns day, they implore that Saint for a Blessing for their Wine, St. Stephen looks after their Pastures. St. Mark their Corn, and for Sea-Deities they have made good store to pray to, least some of them should not be at leisure, or otherwise employed in that vast Element: As St. Andrew, St. Clement, St. Nicholas, &c. So that certainly if the Saints in Heaven do know what is now feigned of them on Earth; and could be capable of Hmuane Affections, in that blessed Region of Impossibility, they would blushy for shane at such Prodigious Fables, and as Socrates when he red Plato's Dialogues, cried out, Quam Multa de me mentitur Adolescens. So surely would they say, How many gross and abominable lies, do those Idle Cloysterer's raise of us. But by this Craft we get our Living, cry the Popish D●metriusses.  
These Stories were all raised to Cheat the Common people, first of their Wits, and then of Money, and creat an esteem for the Priests and Monks, as Instrumental in these Miracles, and having all the Sacred Wonderworking relics in their Custody: Whereas indeed notwithstanding all their Brags of Miracles, most true is that Blunt Repartae of Thomas Aquinas, to Innocent the Fourth( whom he found surrounded with vast Heaps of Gold) lo! Thomas, saith the Pope, The Church cannot now say as of Old, Silver and Gold have I none: No truly, replied the surly Doctor. Neither can she say to the Lame man, Arise and walk. Considering the great Dishonour of God and sincere Religion, with the danger poor deluded Souls are drawn into by such Impostures of the Romish Clergy, we hope we may without offence, conclude this Sheet with a Story borrowed from Father Bromiard( a catholic, and therefore we hope an undeniable Author) which if it should be true, not a few poor Ignorant Lay-papists, that use to Reverence their cheat-Priests as Demy-Deitiyes, will certainly think it a greater Miracle than any we have yet related. And thus it is: A certain Priest returning Home one Night very late from an Harlot, which he kept Abroad( to do, which the Cannons vote less Criminal by far, then to have an honest Wife) hearing a most lamentable Noise of a Ghost not ●ar ●rom him; after he had Crost himself once or twice, asked what, or who he was? The Ghosts answers hIm by asking, Who art thou that woul●st know? I am a Priest quoth the man, fencing still with the Sign of the across: A Priest, quoth the Ghost, A Priest, A Priest? which made the Priest inquire the reason why he redoubled that word with such vehemence. To which the Ghost replied, That there came daily such Swarms of Popish Priests to Hell, that he verily thought there had been None left alive upon Earth.  
FINIS.   

POSTSCRIPT.  
LEst any should Dream we coin any Stories here on purpose to make Popery ridiculous, we assure them we have taken all from Originals, where they are  told with no little Seriousness and Gravity, as in the Golden Legend, John Capgrave, Speculum Exemplorum, the Book of comformities, and such other worthy catholic Monuments.  
And lest any should fancy that the old beldame of Rome is grown Barren, and accuse us for telling more but stale Miracles, Fortune has just now supplied us with a fresh Instance: For the very last Harleem Currant, comes News from Rome of the 9th. of Dec. That two Maids are there found with Child. And who can doubt that to be a Miracle? Especially when they had solemnly vowed Virginity, and were Cloistered up in a Nunnery: However the Pope considering human frailty, and remembering it was only a Venial Sin, thought fit to Impose no other Penance on them then a gentle Flogging or Whipping punishment. Yet still we fear this will seem neither Miracle, nor new to them that have red in our English Chronicles, how many Hundred Childrens skulls and Bones were found butted in Nunneries at their Dissolution in King Henry the 8ths. time.