THE COMMITTEE-MAN CURRIED. A COMEDY presented to the view of all Men. Written by S. SHEPPARD. A piece discovering the corruption of Committee-men, and Excise-men; the unjust sufferings of the Royal party, the devilish hypocrisy of some Roundheads, the revolt for gain of some Ministers. Not without pleasant mirth, and variety. Nil erit ulterius, quod nostris moribus addat Posteritas, eadem cupient, facient que minores Omne in praecipiti vitium stetit— Printed Anno Dom. 1647. The Prologue. SInce it is held a crime, that on the Stage Wit should present itself (since that the Age) Degenerates so fare, that nothing may Be countenanced, that shows but like a Play; How shall these Scenes scape free (ye wiser few) That are not retrograded with the crew O' the reforming ones, since 'tis enacted That nought but fiery Faction shall be acted; And since the prudent now have ordered so, Fools only speak Cum privilegio. We in obedience, so as we can, Have given words to a Committee-man. Dramatis Personae. Suckdry, a Committee-man, a lover of Horn's wife. Sneake, his Clerk. Common-curse, an Excize-man. Shallow-brains, his Clerk. Loyalty, a Cavalier. Rebellion, a Round-head, Uncle to Loyalty. Horn, a contented Citizen. Light-heel, his Wife. Damee, a Ruffian, her Leman. , a Priest. A Servant. A Drawer. Fiddlers. The Scene LONDON. THE COMMITTEE-MAN CURRIED. ACTUS 1. SCENA 1. Enter SUCKDRY, as in the morning dressing himself. SUCKDRY. THe Sun was up too soon; Phoebus is Grown as rash as Phaaeton, and drives his Wain too fast; how pass the hours? Looks on a Watch. Bless me my Genius, on the stroke of nine. Sure some saucy Client mingled some Seeds of Poppy in my drink— I slept so sure and long, — Body a me,— by this they are all met— And my chair empty stands.— What ho SNEAK. Knocks. Thou sleepest as if thou wert on Patmus top; Thou art as drowsy as a Dormouse ever, the Tortoise marches swift to thee. Enter SNEAKE, stretching himself. SNEAK. Hei, ho. SUCK. Thou dull and sordid lump, unwieldy as the bulk Prometheus framed ere he infused life in it; open thy closed eyes. SNEAK. Hei, ho. SUCK. I shall be quite undone, and lose my place;— Slave— I'll kick thee into sense. Kicks him. SNEAK. This room so swarms with Fleas, I near can sleep in quiet. SUCK. O Rogue— is this a time to kill 'em,— when all my brethren in full assembly met expect my presence— and ere I come, perhaps may share the Gold that's due to me— villain rouse thyself— not yet— Beats him: SNEAK. ●old sir— this sitting up a nights— hei, ho. SUCK. Shake thyself Rogue— where is my Gown— 'sdeath be nimble in thy motion— bring me that Parchment bundle— those blanks to sign on all occasions;— I had almost forgot— bring me those Orders too were coined yesterday to levy moneys for the relief of Ireland.— Let's away, I'll pocket up the Commons Coin to day. Exeunt. SCENE 2. Enter LOYALTY a Cavalier. LOYALTY. How do I walk despised, distressed, forlorn, Fair LOYALTY is vile REBELLION'S scorn. There's a strange change of things; what late Was styled strict devotion is termed now horrid Impiety— it is decreed above— who shall Control the Fates, or strive with saucy will, to Race those evils out to which men are prescribed. Charles, like a huge Pyramid, hath overthrown Himself with his own weight— and in his fall Hath crushed his props to nothing— he may take Root again, and bear his Kingdom up— firm As the mighty Atlas doth his heaven Fortune's wheel Ever turns,— nor may the blood of those most Loyal subjects, whose Ghosts now wander in the vacant Air, be spilt as water on the ground, and not Have drop for drop, and ounce for ounce repaid; My wounds whose scars yet remain vissible, the Noble Characters of Loyalty, taken for Gods Anointed, and the Church's safety, I esteem of Them each one as Trophies of my fame— and You where ere you wander, Loyal Spirits, and are On widow lfull exile, fear not but we ere long May captive the unconstant Queen of chance, And lead her bound in chains— this my Uncle's House— a warm furred sir, one that leans on His bags as on his staff, and commits Sodomy With Mammon;— he hath pretended zeal For Church and State, hath set out horse and man Against his Sovereign, whom he now dreads ere Long will visit London,— and force him to Disburse anew. Knocks at the door. Enter a Servant. SERU. How now sir— LOY. How now sir— slave I would see thy Master;— I must have— SERU. What sir,— his Purse? LOY. Do rich men keep such Curs to snarl at strangers?— 'tis fit I do chastise thy sauciness; Learn manners for the future. Strikes him. SERU. O help, help. Enter REBELLION a Roundhead. REB. What rash intruder's this?— ha' my nephew! Betwixt his name and I There is a very vast antipathy. Sir, you mistake yourself. You are not now in rupert's Camp, you may not swagger here with Safety; our laws give bounds to Roisters, such as you; We have Committees close and sub, and grand, That make strict Inquisition after those, who have Presumed to fight for Royalty. LOYAL. Suspend your wrath sir, till you hear my plea; your servants language 'twas that drew a danger from my arm. After expense of time, of blood, of sweat, I come to see you Uncle and expect— at least a verbal welcome. REBEL. He hath's damnation sealed that harbours thee— thou enemy to goodness; thou that hast dared to aid thy Sovereign Lord, and fight against those that do seek his welfare, who have a Nation before dull, and lumpish, now made expert and prompt in active war, have taught the people for to know the worth of gentle peace, the horrors wait on war, have learned them how to pine themselves with want; while they do pamper those that do reform them, have sold them precious wisdom which 've gained, only with loss of LIFE, of GOODS, of FAME. LOYAL. By Jive he speaks all Oracle; and may they have no other Trumpet for to noise out their Fame then thy unwary tongue.— Sir I had thoughts did prompt me to make known my wants and penury unto you; but in persuading you to bounty, I shall but imitate a foolish wave, that seeks to penetrate a Rock.— God buy sir,— May you and all your Tribe find the like comfort from the rigid Judge, whenas you'll stand pleading to live yet longer. All Climates are alike unto a generous soul, he is CIVIS MUNDI. France, I come into thy arms, thou spread'st them wide to entertain those loyal Subjects fly to thee for shelter. England farewell, with sin and Neptune bounded, Nile ne'er produced a monster like a Roundhead. Exit. ACT. 2. Enter COMMON-CURSE an Excise-man, and SHALLOW-BRAINS his Clerk. COMMON-CURSE. Sayest thou the Butchers threaten to knock down who ere shall rate their Cattles. SHALL. Yes sir, and they add 'tis great injustice their Bullocks should bring in so great a gain into Guildhall, due unto them, purchased with pain and sweat: and yet the Shee-sellers of Mutton in Turnball-street, Spring-garden, and Crosse-lane, pass without paying toll for Maidenheads, sell flesh at dearer rates than they, and yet pay no Excise. COM. It were not for the credit of the State thou fool to make a gain of sin, and like Rome's Bishop receive tithes from the Brothels. Enter SUCKDRY, SNEAKE. SUCK. Come along SNEAKE,— thou must fill up those blanks to night SNEAK Very like sir, would nature had produced Geese without quills,— I should not have— SUCK. Mr COMMON-CURSE, happily met, and how, and how goes squares;— does thy bags strut like to the udder of a Cow?— these times will make us all.— Pray Heaven they hold the name of peace sounds in my ears like to the Raven's croaking— it sings my Dirge.— But stay I heard sad news this evening. COM CUR. What news? SUCK. That the Cow-killers of Cowlane, and Smithfield-bars have burnt down the Excise house. COM Were that news true, 'twould scorch my heart to tind r.— I ever feared those masty knaves would mutiny; 'tis a sad OMEN, and prognosticates the Excise is not long lived. SUCK. The foolish Commons now begin to wax wise, they're waked out of their dream, and find their fancy has deluded them,— they do begin to think o'the days of yore, when as their coin, and children were their own. Shouting within. COM. Ha'— what noise is that, run SHALLOW-BRAINS, and learn the cause. Exit SHALLOW. SUCK. Thou tremblest as if thy sins had met thee, or thy father's ghost. COM. I fear the rage o'the incensed multitude, whose malice is inveterate against me.— Pray heaven they make not this way. Enter SHALLOW-BRAINS. SHALL. The occasion of the shout was this sir; the Butchers are released from the burden o'the Excize, and to express their joy they rend the air with clamour; this night they do intent to have the Bells ring merrily, each where Bonfires made; and on a pile of wood 've tied the picture of an Excise man, shaped with reeds; and him they sacrifice to the God of fire. COM. Methinks the fire doth parch my limbs; so would they serve me, had they what they would. O SUCKDRY, this is the first day of my ruin. SUCK Cheer up man, thou shalt not fall alone; we two, like Hypocrates twins, must live and die together: the Excise is the Committees prop, and but drawn with desire of that sweet gain the Excize doth daily bring us, would we so venture, thinkest thou; and privately hoard up the coin is lent upon the public Faith, casting behind our backs the thought of fear?— Good fellows still envy the drink they swallow, Beer and Tobacco still bring in Excise, with all things else of worth, and vendible. COM. Had I not met thee, I had sure ere this dissolved into a Jelly,— this harsh news astonished so my senses;— This is Algate,— lets to the Sun and taste a pint of Sack,— 'tis Wine alone can mitigate my fears. SUCK. Near doubt it sir. Sack hath the power all cares for to expel, And had the damned Sack, Hell were not Hell. Exeunt. ACT. 3. A Curtain drawn, COMMON-CURSE, SUCKDRY, discovered sitting as in a Tavern taking Tobacco, Wine before them, SNEAKE and SHALLOW steal off. SUCK. THis is legitimate blood of the rich corsic Grape; fill me a bowl, that I may bathe my head in it, and rise like Phoebus from the East, shaking my dewy locks.— I now could rarely Poetize;— No marvel the hungry Poets talk of Tantalus, of Jaion, and of Titius; of fell Maegera, Tisiphone, and Allecto, when Sack doth shape Chimaeras in their brains— Methinks I could create a second Hell, and place blessed souls in an Elysium, the ancient Bards ne'er dreamt of. COM. He's inspired. SUCK. Boy, some Wine. DRAW. I come, I come sir. Enter Fiddlers. Fid. Gentlemen will you have a strain of mirth? Suck; I am all airy now— Come all at once, and let your melody in discords please, to which we I foot it, as those lose quarries, that o'erheard Orpheus, and his harp. They dance. COM: — More wine, I now begin for to have merry thoughts,— more wine,— the newest air you have. A SONG. Monopolists are damned now By order of the state, And yet we in their room I vow. Have ten for one of late. The taking of them hence, Under a good pretence, Have made this Monarchy But one Monopoly. Committees do Monopolise Our coin, and all that's ours And when they're wanting (the Excise) Supplies their vacant hours Commanders in the Battle They do enjoy our cattles. Nor want their some that strives, To Monopolise our wives. While one King did the Sceptre wield. and many did obey, Then we joys flowing in beheld Nor under pressures lay. But now that many be, Kings of our Anarchy. Our troubles do increase, Nor know we when they cease. Suck. We are in an excellent humour— let's have the t'other quart, Com. Rare rogue in Buckram— thou shalt go out a wit, and vie with Martin Parker, or John Tailor. Suck. Shall I so— then let the money I have gained to day; buy Sack, and Music,— throws down money ha', ha', ha', May we still have Domestic Jars, Live still in fear of future Wars. That thee and I, (my Bully) may, Each get our hundred pounds a day. Com. A round— a round— a round— some bodies at door (knocking within) prithee— prithee— sirrah try thy skill. Suck. Whose there, Edward, one Mr. Rebellion a Roundhead, and one a Priest. Com. Let 'em in, let 'em in. Enter Rebellion and . Master Rebellion, and Master , welcome, welcome I faith now— some wine boy. Reb. What Circe hath with murmuring charms, thus Metamorphosed seeming civil men to beastly swine, O Mr. — with weeping eyes, behold those sins here Acted, for which a Nation mourns.— Time-Serv. My eyes are ready to drop out, and fall like bullets at my feet, for to behold this object. Com. Come Mr. Rebellion, and Mr. , this stern Socratic garb doth not become you, leave it, faith 'tis scurvy;— what Planet struck— desperate wounds must have desperate cures— shut the door— nay gentlemen— you shall drink— sit down and tipple— so— Mr. Rebellion a health to king Pims Ghost— can you deny the honoured shade that courtesy,— nay, I will be pledged— (sings a catch.) — Some drink— what boy— some drink Fill it up, fill it up to the brink, When the Pots cry clink And the pockets chink, Then 'tis a merry world. To the best, to the best, have at her And a pox take the woman-hater. — Thanks Mr Rebellion, nay, it must go round, Mr. you'll not affront our triumph. Time-Ser. Alas this sack agrees not with my constitution— so deep a draught, will put me to the charge of physic: besides it is a sin, to guzzel down the creature thus in waste, a crime which heaven abhors— sir I dare not. Com. How?— dare not— thou art not then a friend unto the cause, and so I will inform— pox on him— if you love me Suckdrie, let's stiff him, and say it was a sudden judgement upon him for his obstinacy; the posture will confirm it. Suck. You must drink sir— Time. hold, sir I'll drink— he drinks— Suck. So, so, so. Rebel. This is good sack gentlemen, I'll spend my pint— so please you— Suck. I'll gi'thee a quart (my Bully) to morrow, I le be thrifty, and share the Commons coin with frugal skill— Nay Master , sit not so fare of, each man join foot to foot, and tipple in an Orb. Some wine boy Draw. I come, I come Sir, (brings wine.) Com. Here Master ,— you are too Stoical— a draught of this, will give you the Anallysis of your text, without mediums or nocturnal watch— here, he drinks. Time-Ser. This is enticing liquor— drinks Suck. Mr. Rebellion, this blood of the ripe grape, will add unto your numerous pious thoughts, in this bowl full to the brim I memorise your health— Rebel. I thank you sir, and by my father's head, this sack is very warm, and comfortable, give me measure sir,— drinks. Time-Ser. I now begin to be strangely transported; gentlemen, shall's be merry for troth to say, 'tis that I most effect; how ere I sergeant,— to please the rising Roundheads— when as the Bishops ruled I was for them, I wore my Cassock most canonical; but now the tide is turned, 'twere simple policy to swim against the stream, to be so nice of conscience, for making scruple to revile my Prince, to cherish and confirm base men, in hope of that ne'er was, nor is, nor ere shall be to lose vast sums of gold, thanksgiving dinners and repute— Rebel. Drink deep, my finger's itch, until they seize the bowl— I laugh to think how when I sergeant a whining passion, and talk of God and goodness, walk with a sad, and mortified countenance, how I'm admired, amongst the Brethren, and styled a man of God— Suck. Excellent, here's to thee for that conceit; we four should have made rare Statesmen, we are so witty in our mischief. Master , You have occupied with the nine girls— lets hear, let's hear.— sings A health to the nut brown Lass, With the hazel eyes, let it pass, She that has good eyes Has good thighs, Let it pass— Let it pass. As much to the lively grey, 'tis as good i'th' night as the day, She that has good eyes Has good thighs, Drink away— Drink away. I pledge, I pledge, what be some wine, Here's to thine— and to thine The colours are divine, But O the black, the black Give me as much again, and let be sack She that has good eyes Has good thighs, And it may be, a better knack. Suck, A reckoning boy— call thy Master. (Enter Master) Master, Your will gentlemen Suck. Our will sir is to pay, gentlemen deposit— they pay— dost hear, here's a friend of ours has forgotten himself.— Com. Cur.— a little as they call it— the wine has got a sleep into his head— as frost into a hand— he is benumbed and has no use of himself for present. Exeunt Mast. You'd need gentlemen, be all wafted home in a Sedan, you are so light, you hardly feel yourselves; and yet so weighty, that you reel under your burdens thus must we thrive by sin— it must be so, this is the last of ages. Nor can posterity, new vices frame, Our children will but wish, and act the same. Exit. ACT. 4. The curtain pinned up, Enter HORN a Citizen, as in his Shop. Horn. What dye lack Gentlemen, pray what dye lack? Enter Lightheels, his wife. Light. Sweetheart, where have you disposed the velvet slippers, the Shoemaker brought home last night.— Horn. They are in the matted-chamber, close by the role of 〈◊〉 Enter Suckdry. Suck: Mr. Horn, I joy to see you healthy, and in so fair a way to thrive.— Mr. Horn, my humblest service; I shall make bold Sir, to spend an hour or two with your fair wise.— Horn. With all my heart Sir. james.— Show worshipful Mr. Suckdry into the painted chamber. Sir there's a quilt of worth in it.— Sweetheart be not too nice,— refuse not to be open to him,— thou knowst hes bountiful.— Light. I shall observe your charge Sir. Exeunt. Scene 2. Enter again Suckdry, Lightheels. Suck: I'll lock the door Sweet— [Locks the door.] So— Now we are alone— no envious eyes can gaze upon our actions.— Dearest Mistress, hast thou not wanted my society, the tedious term of three whole days?— Light. No Sir, Love will subsist a while with ruminating of those joys have been, aswell as those that are to come.— Suck. Look here my Mistress, since I saw you, I have invokt Apollo, and the Nine, to aid my quill in some apt meeter for to sing thy praise. Light. Verses,— are they your own Sir,— I do not think but you Poets, that can so manifest your loves in blank verse, not leave or god or goddess in spacious heaven, but call them down for witnesses, if you were mounted on a cowlstaff, and tossed something high, you would imagine you backed Pegasus.— Or if you were placed knee-deep in a great tub of water, you dabbling there would count it Helicon.— Suck. Your wit's too sharp Sweet Mistress, you talk like a second Sappho, hear my Minerva speak. Light. Willingly Sir. He reads his verses. Bright star o'th' lower orb, twinkling inviter, Which drawest aswell as eyes, but sett'st men righter, For who at thee gins, comes to the place Sooner than he, that sets out at the face: Eyes are seducing Lights, that the good women know, And hang out these, a nearer way to show. How like you these?— Light. Troth Sir the sense o'th' lines puzzles my capacity,— I want your meaning Sir. Suck. I will unfold myself, when I told thee, — Let us turn day to night, Too much fruition bats my appetite; For who so amorous, but his Love he may Abhor, and justly too, seven times a day. Exeunt. ACT. 5. Enter DAMMEE, a Ruffian. Dam. This day I'll sacrifice to Venus, Mars shall claim the next, the third I'll consecrate to jupiter, the fourth I'll be a wit, and Mercury shall be my Clerk: Thus will I drive my days to weeks, my weeks to months, my months to years, and lavish out my life in lust, in wounds, in arts; I'll make the milksops of this age for to do homage to my shadow. Stay— this is Horns house,— and his fair wife, I now must give a visit;— there is fever in my blood, I shall dissolve with heat unless— a cooler— knocks. Enter Horn. Horn. Mr. Dammee, your radiant sublimity doth illustrate this habitation, please you Sir draw near my poor mansion,— myself and all are in't, at your disposal. Dam. Thou dost but do me justice, my merits do deserve thy low submission. Where is thy wife? Horn. Sir she's a little busy, the time will not be long ere she'll wait on you. Dam. I'll wait on her.— Dammee I'll see who 'tis that now employs her, I think my gifts, have been as large and liberal— as any that survives.— Horn. Sir I confess your bounty,— you'll further yet oblige my gratitude, if you but please to take a turn i'th' garden till she comes down. Dam. I'll cut thee into atoms, if thou prescribe my will.— where's this creature? rushes in. Dam. What are you pounded (within) Horn. Within You will undo me Sir. A noise of the breaking of a door. Scene 2. Enter Dammee with a Battoon in his hand driving before him naked Suckdry and Light-heel. Light. For heaven's sake hold Sir. Suck. Oh, oh, the splinters of my bones start out and pierce holes in my skin— Dam. Slave I'll beat thy brains out at thy nose. Suck. O hold Sir, I am one of the Committee. Dam. Nay then thou shalt not live, if I kill thee, the fact will ne'er be odious in the sight of heaven; the Commons prayers will expiate my crimes. How many men have been undone by thee thou art insatiate as death and hell. Shortly then Procula, Bradshaw had a Bed, Six little pitchers crowned his cupboards-head; And under it there lay a two-eared pot, With Gerard's Herbal; Item he had got A chest with some Greek Authors, where the fierce And barbarous mice, gnawed neverdying verse. That Bradshaw was worth nothing who but knows, Yet he poor wretch did all that nothing lose By such as thee. O ye are moths of State! The other rob within door, you at gate. Suck. O fatal day, lust hath betrayed me unto death! Dam. There lie and groan thy soul out. Light. Sir I repent that ere I entertained you, and were't not that I hate my husband's baseness, I would repent and be an honest woman.— You not content for to enjoy his wife— but to abuse his house. If that he can with all these wrongs sit down, In time he'll let you shave, and crack his crown. And take a good sound whipping in the end, Worthy of such a wife, and such a friend. Exeunt. FINIS.