GOOD-ALE MONOPOLISED, AND THE Tapsters persecuted: OR justice, right, or wrong.  
Printed by Rob. Goodfellow a bout Midsummer Moon. 1654.  
WHen it shallbe wisely considered, that we, of this most reverend City, are become so notorious for asserting, and (in dismal wise) wrestling for that dear liberty which our Ancestors (as they say) left us; and for defence of which, we have had the honour to see (amongst other learned pates) the pericranium of honest Legislative-Iohn so perturbed, and his more costly vitals dangerously hazarded: and that we are at length mounted to the uppermost round of the ladder, to enjoy and entail which preferment with a succeeding plenitude of that inestimable Jewel height as aforesaid. We cannot but agree it most necessary to recommend to the next Election for preservation thereof, a most worshipful person (amidst many others we might also propose) whose modesty we believe is such, that he will not allow himself to be named amongst the thousands of Israel. We shall therefore take the boldness to hang him forth in effigy, with an inscription of his perfections, sufficient (not doubt) to endear him to the well-affected, and by which also you may (without spectacles) discover his Worship's face.  
Be it therefore known unto, and understood by all manner of Brethren and Sisters, that the person intended was a very fine and hopeful Gent. certainly, when in his minority he thought it not inconsistent with his greatness (his Father being born before him) to humble himself that he might be exalted, by giving his pretty assistance to the grand Solemnities done in those innocent days to his politic mother the place of his nativity: Deigning therefore to ride or be carried (the terms in this case are convertible) in ludo spectaculo, where yet the 
There are no other words to be found in Rider for a Pageant.  Reader ought to be admonished, that our younker's garb and countenance for the time being was so apposite, and every little circumstance so contrived by the Tailor and the Poet, as if it had been purposed for his glory. With what honour and acclamations our stripling came off when the show was done, some Readers may be presumed to remember better. However, with half an eye, might be seen hereby, that our Lad was a spark of metal.  
Well, Time (as saith a modern Poet) that doth all things, that makes botches Pox, and plodding on doth make a Calf an Ox, makes our Wight at length a Soldier; Durante quo, to tell you by what exquisite hand his Buff Coat and red Breeches (not forgetting his Feather) were fashioned, and the price, were most injuriously to detain the Reader: It may suffice, that the Bark of this Cinnamon tree was more worth than his body. Therefore instead of a Chorus, be pleased we pray to suppose our Captain (for such he now is) equipped as aforesaid on his march (like jehu) to a most horrible, terrible, bloody battle, to be pitched far in the West, we wots not where.  
But by the way, to give some signal testimony of his Chivalry, and of the great hopes his friends and followers might erect upon so infant achievements, a lucky occasion offered itself, as shall in time be told: It fell out that upon a Tuesday, about six weeks after Kersmas, when the Gunpowder Papists were (without doubt) at their profane devotion, our Captain, as having no regard thereof, or indeed the fear of himself before his eyes; but being seduced by reading those wicked books of Chivalry voluntarily (although without a Squire) and like a second Don-Quixot, exposed himself to be most lamentably blindfolded with a Hempen or Flaxen Napkin, at the discretion of two sage Damsels clad in white, and being immediately armed Càpe, with a dreadful weapon in his hands yclept a Flail, did most furiously encounter, assault, skirmish with, charge, and recharge the valiant Chanticleer, all this while sneaking or lurking in a hole, and not daring to show more than his fearful Head and comb to this no less valiant Foe, whom yet at length our Captain (maugre all this ●●eight) in single combat, and undaunted, made to breath out his last; whence all upon the place concluded, that this Fleshing would (if his Spirit took not rust) make him (in time) prove most terrible, as indeed it appeared by the many slain afterwards upon the place by his single valour, the story whereof (if any such were) has been already communicated to the world in a Chronicle called Mercurius Civicus: And that the same Spirit of destruction, both of men, women, and children, remains still in him, is so notorious, that at his Dinners and Suppers he breathes out nothing but slaughters.  
Well, home we bring him now (and so you must suppose him) laden with Pig honour and renown, where after some competent time exhausted in bleating his own said achievements, he again humbles himself, and betakes to the old What lack you? where we ought to leave him for a while. By this time you are charitably to believe, that by the zeal and noise of his best affected Neighbours (joined to his worships no little uncouth stickling in the affair) the several parcels, in time, amount (according to London measure) to an Alderman: But because an Ald. and a worshipful Justice are necessary concomitants, we forbear to tell you that he was such.  
These acquisitions and additions render him furious with a witness, and now he lays about him more like a Madman then formerly, and on both sides, without aim, deals his blows, and who would think it? For though he never had the benefit of his Clergy, yet it must be allowed good, that, as before his Sword, so now the word shall justify these slaughters. By this time 'tis not safe to say why so? All's Gospel we hold forth, and who dare us oppose shall find the might by which we rule and reign hath power to send the sawey contradicting prater (no matter for his sense or truth) to lie by th' heels, full 70. miles (far enough) hence, where eighteen months are spent, by Tom Telltruth the Delinquent, in coining Petitions, with variety of choice Titles to this piece of Supremacy for pardon, that at length (in good time) his Honour's ears are bored, he humbles now himself, and let's the Prisoner out, who as willingly returns, as if he had never tasted a Grape brought from Canaan.  
Our Capt. is erst a Colonel, and in a happy hour (be it spoken) had a Call to be of the late Contenvion, where for his time he struts, you may imagine how, and danceth gracefuly, to the Tune of Preferment, studying to keep Time and his standing; but not knowing, or forgetting that the best way to rise is to lie down in a Bed of Humility; his Brethren ere long (conscious to themselves of a sufficient unfitness to govern) resigned their, and his greatness into the hands whence they deriuce it.  
And now we bring him home again (yet a Justice) full sad and pensive (as if Planet-strucken) at the loss of his late borrowed Plumes: But being returned to the place whence he came, and finding that his malevolent Stars were not (for which he has since persecuted the Astrologers) so true to him, as to give him warning of the danger attending his late mistaken compliance with the illaffected, and at that time too, being without any Revelations or Visions, his only work was to retrieve (if possible) the favour so unhappily lost, and to obtain for himself once more to sit upon the Cushions of the Elect. To which purpose we must allow, that no part of Machiavelli (within his capacity) was le●t unread, unpractised: But when it was found that all his mimical cringing and Courtship more chargeable put upon the Royal Issue, amounted not to the gaining for his Honourable Worship a finger-room at the Helm, he betakes to new resolutions, viz. to act the very Great Turk himself in little, that was, to transubstantiate his petty Principality (although of no certain Tenure) into an Eu●opian Republic, to be gubernated by such thirsty Laws, as must needs render him to posterity famous, for the only Promulger, and (according to the new Dialect) the most exquisite iH●ter and Holder forth of Monkish obsoleted abstinence, and a nice Reformer of indifferencies. And now as saith another reverend Author, Shall dunghill dogs confront the Helicon? Or shall his act want Chronicles, than Pistol lay thy head in Furies Lap.  
In the first place (his Throne being erected in no ignoble part of his dominions, yet) finding that his beard was not like to contract profit enough for both justice and Clerk (to whom he allows they say 10. l. yearly salary, and takes account of the profits) with a rabble of Rascals in red scarlet, and most dirty Nightcaps that now attend his Train, and buzz about his worship with equal devotion to a sort of filthy Flies that are observed to do homage to a Cow-turd: The sad portent of this dismal and offended Comet had an immediate and direful influence upon all the Red, Green, and Blue Latices, nay to the very black pots and Cans within his Territories; and his zeal (hot as a burning Pestle) is daily and prodigiously exhausted to the demolition, and to tall extirpation (root and branch) of all the non-confiding (to advance the practice of the Saintish) Tapsters of both Sexes, with all their wives, children, and relations, unhappily inhabiting within the reach of his Talons, many of which wretches are before this time either begging at others doors, or relieveable by the slender charity of their several Parishes, on whom his Almightiness, wisdom and Law too, has so great an influence, that an easy judgement may guests their misery, when they are accounted by our Justice no less worthy of destruction than Bel and the Dragon, and the great Whore, to whom all Nations bow down and worship, and therefore fit, very wonderfully piously fit, to be swept out by this B●●som of Reformation; this Physic, and disease of the place.  
To tell the several executions of this sort, which his Worship is renowned for, the several houses shut up, and L. have mercy written on their doors, by reason of this pestilence, were an Herculean task, hic labour, etc. the stones at his threshold having long groaned with the persecuted Petitioners tedious and frequent attendance on this righteous Judge, to no other purpose then to be undone, seem to be more mollifiable and malleable than his obdurate stomach, although all the lenitives, with strength of arguments, not wanting a good proportion of Divinity and morality, mixed and applied at all house's by the very hands equal with him in power, have been carefully and daily administered. But lest all this may seem a Romance, or a scandal to wound our Saint withal, take a story or two for illustration.  
They say (and we have it on good account) that a pretty black well trussed musical Vintner, inhabiting South from the rays of this Blazing star, having for good causes shut up that passage of his house that might give most offence, was necessitated to entertain sometimes at the other door (and the change in this case pleads antiquity) such friends as would come round about. Now he possibly conceiving no great harm in pursuing the fashion, he (as others make mixtures in Religion) only permitted, according to the advice given him, a cup of English Ale to attend his Hippocrene: But the poor man was taken at it by the fellow in Scarlet, or he with the nasty nightcap aforesaid: The little Law book is by our justice searched, and the penalty in most barbarous manner exacted. Another worshipful warrant is issued under band and broad seal, the Constable (an enemy) employed in the execution. No respect to be given (so saith our Warrant) to Betty his wife, their six children, or any of them. The darkest time of the night was fittest for this service. In short, Tom was haled out of his bed, out of house, and the Centre to which this line tended, was (we must needs say) no worse a place then a King's house, whither a knavish boy in Paul's Churchyard sent 1. jac. a fellow in a blue bonnet (enquiring the way) thither, and was afterwards kicked for his pains, because it proved to be a goal called Bridewell. Thither, thither our merry Vintner is arrived, and committed only for selling 2. pennyworth of Ale or Bear for a penny, & because his songs were not to the tune of Hannah's hymns, but thus saith the Law, and thus the great Executor thereof. Well, the malefactor is by the heels, troubles all his friends to be Mediators, and offer sacrifice to the angry Deity, pays 19 s. 6. d. (there's six pence saved) for Petitions contrived with titles of the newest fashion to the offended. But the doom is past and irrevocable, all intercessions are fruitless, for there was so much Wisdom in the Sentence, that it might well be questioned if revoked. There our wine-tapster is ordered to thrash h●mp, drink small beer, and sing (if he can) till every minute of the month be out, for no other cause heard of then is aforesaid & for that his wife was by ill luck some kin to the justice.  
The next in order was a very poor necessitous wretched old widow, who hath many small children, living South E. from the blazing star, having no other visible way of subsistence for herself and them, but the sale to some of her neighbours, and that but sometimes of a pot or two of Ale: to which employment also she has been brought up, and hath been licenced thereunto. There was not any disorder or miscarriage laid to her charge: And who would not rather imagine this poor soul an object of compassion, than a subject for so much severity and so little justice. But see what a reckoning she is brought to.  
Inprimis for selling a full quart of Ale for 2. d. 20. s. This was taxed and levied by his Worship, borrowed and paid by the woman, though her whole estate is not worth (in the judgement of charity) ten shillings. And was not, think you, this 20. s. with many others, well distributed?  
Item, For selling another pot of the same liquor called a default after conviction) to be committed for a month to the house of correction, and her children to be kept (in the mean time) by the Parish. This was also executed to the full.  
Item, For selling a flagon of Beer (to one of the Rascals aforesaid) for three half pence, to be again sent to Bridewell, there to remain till the next Quarter Sessions, where she now is this sixth day of the sixth month of the first year of our Liberties aforesaid, beating hemp for her own poor maintenance, and her said children are again disposed to the little mercy and alms of the Parish. And this is the justice and judgement running down our streets like a mighty river indeed.  
To tell you how his Worship's zeal was let slip against another poor woman for only selling Porridge and Brews to the Market people in Cheapside (we think because they are liquid commodities) or to be particular in the cases of twice 40. within the territories and tortures of our justice, reduced to most sad conditions, even sequestered of their beings, were but to create an incredulity, yet so it is.  Sic volo, sic jubeo, stat pro ratioze voluntas. 
No matter for their complaints or their curses cast on the cause or on their stars, for designing them to live near so much Law, and so little justice. Nay, to add to their misery, none dares relieve them for fear of some unheard of Law to commit them too for their Charity.  
With one story more we'll take leave, and indeed leave it to your judgements, whether so many yards of Zeal and Ignorance, with so much weight of Law and Imperiousness, and so well mixed, are not a composition sufficient to qualify a reasonable Gent. for a more proper employment, than a member: And because 'tis very new, it shall be a Use of application.  
In the road indeed to this worship's Powdering-tub, there dwelled lately (and his cottage stands there still) an honest (we dare not say good) fellow, and of the sinful quality aforesaid, who in the minority of his understanding, was in haste blown up to a zealot, and swelled with so much mistaken choler, that taking the Pulpit Alarm he handles his Arms, and like an especial Officer advances (in no worse than his worship's company) to assist the proud against the mighty: Blows were dealt, and victory obtained, wherein our small Officer had his share, though not at that time of the Reward: That comes anon. Well, returning home he betakes like a sober man to his Blue apron again, maintaining Hospitality for neighbours and strangers, and that in the very place where he and his painful Wife have (with reputation) enough sojourned above fifty years. And because his charity was somewhat extensive, our Martyr with some money of his own (got by good husbandry, which should be encouraged) and some borrowed by virtue of his better reputation. He erects in his own Parish a Monument of his Fame, to the advantage (as will be confessed on all hands) of both rich and poor inhabitants. Our justice is now concerned to pay this man Arrears. A brace of most unspeakable rascally pedantic shreds, his neighbours, are both Informers and Prosecutors. The crime discovered by a trick ex officio. His fac simile is required to transcribe the last mittimus, which is done, and by this time (because it was Quarter-day) the Delinquent is removed to the bottom of the stairs at the end of the paved Alley, to the King's house aforesaid, where we leave him too, whistling to the wheel to the tune of justice my Foe, etc.  
And now let the world, (those especially for whom this is intended) judge whether such a parcel of zeal and tyranny whom no cords of authority should bind if he could help it, who thinks his Will the best Expositor and his Hand the best executor of penal Laws, believing them to be Briars and Sprindges made to catch every thing they lay hold on. One whom we may presume fears not God, because he so hates his neighbours. In short, one in whom pride and stubbornness is so rampant, that as he scorns the advice of his fellow officers, so believes himself master of their understandings. Whether this Gent. we say do not merit, abominably merit your suffrages at the next Election.  By Raphael Desmos, In behalf of his Brethren.