THE WEEPERS: OR, The bed of Snakes broken.  
Wit Vitiated, and made a Pander to Wickedness; Instanced in a Pack of Knaves (calling themselves Servants to the late King) worthy the Anger of the present Age; and the wonder and indignation of all Posterity.  
Six CUPPING-GLASSES, clapped to the cloven Feet of the six Daemons, who Govern the times by turns from Monday to Saturday Annually.  
To wonder at past Prodigies forbear,  
Egypt and Africa are blended here.  
— Dajustum Sanctumque videri,  
Noctem peccatis, & fraudibus objice nubem.  
By S. S.  
LONDON, Printed for Thomas Bucknell, at the Sign of the Golden-Lion in Duck-lane. 1652.   

READER,  
IF thou askest me what I mean to trouble the World, that is already under such a glut of Books, thou mayst easily perceive, that I consulted not at all with advantaging my Name, or wooing public Esteem: For what I now write, I know there was much of naked Truth in it, and might possibly find a more than common acceptance, aswel for the Rarity, as the Reality of the Subject, etc. If any Simplician take exceptions, let him turn the Buckle of his Girdle; he that manifests distemper at the perusal of these Sheets, must of necessity be a Knave or Fool, or both: If any man deny me the liberty of speaking Truth, I will take it I say, I will take it: I am an Independent, I fear not: Some I doubt not so much dote upon a dirty Diurnal, a Weekly Account, or a ridiculous, non-sensicall Mercury, that they will condemn me to no worse Penance than to bathe in blue Flames, for presuming to bid Defiance to so reverend a Rabble— pew— mew— view— A Degenerate, besotted, insaniated, ignorant People, a Monster only fit to feed on such Raffe and Garbage. I fear the Censure of Virtuous and Judicious Men: But I laugh at, and contemn the rage of these Cumane Asses, Masquers, Mummers, painted Puppets, outsides Whifflers, walking Pictures, Shadows, Gulls, Vizards, Butterflies; I own thee nothing, (Reader) and look for no favour at thy hands.  
God buy.   

THE WEEPERS.  
IS not this Mundus furiosus, a mad World? Is it not manifest that we are fallen into the dregs of time, we live in the ●ust of the Iron Age, and must accordingly expect to feel the Dotages of a decrepit World? What is become of Truth, Sincerity, Humility, etc. Those Antiqui mores, whither are they gone? Did they attend Astrea into heaven, and have left such degenerous Successors, as Cruelty, Pride, Fraud, Envy, Oppression, etc. Such qualities as abundantly justify the worst of Heathen. When all things are ruffled and confused, it is the Devil's Holiday; and therefore Knaves Work Day. Pausanias tells of a Chapel in Acrocorinth Dedicated to Fraud and Cozenage: those Twin-Goddesses may be fit Objects for the worship of Heathen; but 'tis pity they should be so much adored by Christians.  
Thou hast here (Reader) a full discovery of such foul Impostors, that thou wilt cease to wonder at any Monstrosity or Prodigy upon Record: take heed of being blasted, for I present to thy view the Pests of the Age, men that live as if huge Sins would merit heaven by an Antiperistasis: We know that a good aim, much less a good pretence (such as these Harpies use as a Cloak for their egregious, and most unparallelled cozenage) cannot justify a bad Action, and therefore we ought to be as solicitous about the lawfulness of the means, as about the goodness of the end Those Gentlemen already bitten may possibly rescue themselves from future Circumventions, if they examine the lawfulness of every Circumstance leading to the end propounded, before they are tickled and transported with the beauty of their pretence.  
The World must know, and more especially the English Nation, that Providence tolerating the lines and lineaments of Monarchical Government, (here in our Borean Clime) to be blotted out, that that which is new written might be more legible: some pretenders to the late King's service, as of his Bedchamber, his Wardrobe, his Guard, his Kitchen, etc. have thought fit to make an Improvement of these turbid Intervals; and under pretence of of gathering money for the late King's distressed Servants in general, have pocketed up many pounds for their own private uses; and while those, for whom they seem to obsecrate, languish, environed with all those fatalities' incident to indigent men: they feed high, sleep soft, wear rich Apparel, and wallow in all excess of Riot: It were vain to inform these Latrocinians, that while they abuse others, they forget that self-couzenage, with which in the interim they abuse themselves, God permitting the Devil to revenge the Imposture. My task is (in order to my obligation) so to paint forth their cursed contrivances, their putrid policies, and fraudulent insinuations, pointing at their persons so punctually that no man, if but Master of one eye, shall fail to distinguish them severally, though mingled amongst thousands of men more honest; that so those Gentlemen, those Citizens or others who have tasted of their traps may be sensible of their abuse, and prosecute accordingly: These subtle Vipers detected and delivered up to public, deserved infamy, who committing a Rape upon the body Politic, seem to put out the Laws, as others upon a like occasion, put out the Lights.  
I must confess that person is very rare, that can boast of such an absolute Saintship whilst he is amongst Mortals, but that now and then there are some Actions will fall from him which confess Humanity, and require Candour, some Leaves in the Volume of the fairest life, that call for a clement censure; there will be common frailties: But cannot fix too rigid a censure on these treacherous Mendicants, who to purchase a flame of Triumph, a frolic for some sew days, not only deprive many distressed Families of a present relief, but render them (by this damned delusion) incapable of future reflections; such hath been the casinesse and credulity of some Gentlemen and others; such the subtlety and dissembled Sanctity of these Quacks, that they have met with as great a proneness in them to be cozened, as they brought willingness to delude; but I shall damn their design down to the lowest Hell from whence originally it came; and turn their feigned Tears into real Contrition; not that they can be pensive for their pernicious practices, but my meaning is in reference to the blazing of their several basenesses, to the utter ruin of their golden Income; when in stead of Charitable Compensation and Compassion, they shall meet with Contempt and Castigation. The Prime Ringleaders, the Master-Theeves, the Plowers, the main Wheels upon which this Prodigious Machine moves are in all seven. You will think it strange to find some Pulpit-men in an high degree accessary to this guilt: but do not we a●l know that there hath been no flood of misery that hath happened this dozen years, but did spring from, or at least was much swelled by their Holy-Water: And I rank the Rogues (for they march like Noah's unclean beasts by pairs.) Thus, 

2 Priests.  
2 Citizens.  
2 Lawyers.  
2 Linsey Wolsey men.  
1 Soldier. (Of either grain.)   There's the Sum.  
These (like the seven Deadly Sins) have their several Exuberances, some ten or twelve underlings, Auxiliary aides whom these miscreants maintain at a joint expense these are to them like tools to the Mechanic, they can do nothing without them; they are their wings, their wheels the properties that they act with, who earn their live quite contrary to divine appointment, viz. by the sweat of their eyes they will command you tears as facilely as Politicians can vary shapes, the Irish or French Mercenaries (hired to bewail the dead) are mere meacocks to them, they will howl a Requiem able to reverse the doom of Fate, and unite an Enlarged soul to his buried body, a woman interring her seaventh husband cannot blirt briny drops more methodically: these Liquids' while their Lords are Courting the Gentleman of the house, who cannot choose but afford them eare-favour, for they seem Substantialists wearing good apparel, and they take special care not to fast till they look like withered Apes sowed up in parched Kid-skins; they are seemingly men of much worth and they want no delusive Oratory, having their set forms of speech which they con Nocturually with as much diligence as players do their parts; I say while their conductors are in colloquy within, these stand without conspiring in a full and dolorous harmony, raising a loud and and piteous cry (hence they receive their Denomination viz. WEEPERS) some a bemcaning the loss of their deceased master, the late King, others deplore the starving condition of their wives and children and some not minding any method, send forth deep groans and sighs, so that you would think yourself little better than a Burgess of Barachrum, were you within ken of their yelping the servants of the house mean time amazed at this melody, endeavour to stint their Earth-din (which they pity as real) with what far the house affords, each contributing a piece of come, by which time the master of the house being sufficiently satisfied with what he hath heard & seen, dismisses (perhaps not without tears) his Honoured guests (having besought them with much earnestness not to think five or ten pounds too trivial a sum) who take a Solemn farewell with sad countenances, and at the next Town within ten miles (for they are so politic not to Revel in that very place where they receive their Rents (as they have the Impudence to call it) and there they riot like so many younger Brothers.  
'tis the boast of the Dutch man, that he can sail with all winds, these unparallelled cheaters carefully observe the Quarter from whence the fairest Gales of profit blow, and spread the Sails of deceit to entertain them. Cornwall and these countries that have been most eminent for their loyalty to the late King, are only cursed with their approach, where not a Gentleman of any eminency, but hath had notice of them, nor can the Compass breathe more varieties, (I speak it to their praise as glorious Villains) than their dextrous souls have Changes and Garbs, and suitable Compliances: What the Orator calls his top, and perfection to make happy Application to the several humours and Genius of all sorts of men, qualifying his address with what he knows will most charm the person he treats; you may find all his Figures and Tropes digested into their Actions: They have this advantage of the Chameleon, that they can assume whiteness; for you may find them wearing the Vest of Innocency, to conceal the ugliness and blackness of their attempts. These are fellows that have long since abjured their God, Religion, and Conscience, and all that shall interpose and serene them from those beams that may ripen their avaricious aims. O how finely they can compose their Garbs and Gestures; 'tis a great matter to tell a lie; with a grace: and when they see opportunity to reveal themselves they do it gradually and by piecemeal; for that which at one view would appear horrid, give it by parcels, and it will be digested well enough.  
The truth is, they are the most accomplished, the most polished, the nearest and most politic knot of Knaves, that ever were famous for fraudulent Machinations: And indeed how can they be otherwise, having so Venerable a Doctor, and so Clancular a Priest for their Lawgivers? These two Raven-Coated Flammins, like Mahomet and his Monk, are the cunning Contrivers of this hotchpotch Koran, and what is worth your notice, seem very sanctimonious, they will pray with much fervency, but this always in public; they know well enough that privacy for a Sin, and cleanly conveyance for a Cheat, makes it as white as Innocency itself; for they are near of Kin to that Thief, who always before he went about the Work of his Calling, (for so he called Stealing) went to prayers, That God would bless and prosper him. So these say Grace to the Design be it never so wicked, and give thanks for the Success be it never so abominable.  
Having taken a view of their performances, be pleased now to peruse their Persons.  
Enter— Doctor— Chaplain to the late King; and sometimes Pastor of a place near Chertsey, now Inmate with a Widow, near St Peter's Paul's Whatffe, indifferent tall of stature, Motley-headed, his Crown covered with a swarthy Cap, fashioned like a Monks Cowle, of an Adust Aspect, a mincing Gate, and mimmick Gesture.  
There's the first.  
The next much younger in years, but far older in knavery—  

A MEAGER LEVITE.  
WHo will sell God, and all his Saints for sixpence, the very Picture of Antichrist, once Curate (under one Don't) of Kingscleere in Hampshire. This fellow taking occasion to Revel with Dorts wife (whom he converted to his own faith, with many other of his Master's moveables) was therefore (by him) clapped up in Winchester Goals, where he lay along time, having his Ankles loaden— This f●llow will cheat any man save his Father, (who is not living) and tell Lies as big as Elephants; he will knock his breast, attest God, and Invoke Imprecations upon himself; if he does not do that which he never intends he can cog the Die, and make the Word of God speak what he list: if you ask after his Topics, Ex Officina Carnificium argumentum petit. He is very gracious with a good Woman in Snore-ditch, with whom he resides, In ordine ad spiritualia. Behold next.   

A Brace of broken CITIZENS.  
THe one an Apothecary, and (till his Vinal and Venereous temper, opened the little Wicket for the five other Deadly Sins to enter) Housekeeper in St Thomas Apostles; His face is as brown as his soul is black, little of Statute, and something Hair-lipt: His Companion (a fellow that hath surfeited on so many Functions, that his Intellect is as foul, as an Irish Firkin of Bonny Clabber) may pass for an Exorcist for Complexion, his fellows often make him their Oracle, and well they may; for the Devil hangs upon his Lips: this face is of the same Metal with his yellow Trumpet. But to the rest.   

Two LAWYERS  
COuld you contract five thousand such as these into one Volume, the sordid ●ulk could not make up Marriots shadow; and you'll say, Hes better at Beef than Barriers: These two differ in Stature, as much as Hercules did from Jeffery; but what Nature scants the last in talneste and bulk, he more than satisfies in treachery and baseness: this is he that (pretending to follow her suit gratis) juggled the widow Messenger out of her whole estate: you may find these pair of Serpents most commonly at their Rutting place, near the Flower-de-luce, in Vinegar Alley: And then follows,   

Two DRAPERS.  
THe one of the Blanket, the other of the Sheet: Fellows that having tired Ludgate, and the King's Bench, are now resolved to lay claim to the Pillory; they are neat Forgers, and can shake any man by the hand, though at an hundred mile's distance: the one has combed away all his hair, (which he supplies with a Periwig, as broad as the Branches of a Beech tree) as the other has forfeited his Dowcets to the Surgeon. You may know him (in order thereto) by his thin Beard and Ashey Aspect.  
But now enter the man of Iron.   

A MAJOR  
IN his Minority. This Gentleman is yet but half a Knave, and became an Asassinate rather by a wile than his own innate wickedness: he is yet (in reference to this business) but a young Sinner; and therefore I shall spare him, and conclude with this   

PALINODE  

To the WEEPERS.  
Weep now until you waste into a Dew,  
The Nation mourns and bleeds for such as you.  
(Super Olympic Knaves,) by you the dead  
Embalmed King does once more lose his head.  
Widow's sigh out their souls and Orphans cry  
For what you waste, in refluent Luxury:  
But we shall give new lustre to your lives,  
And purge your putrid souls with Gags and Gyves.     

CUPPING-GLASSES, Clapped to the cloven Feet of the six Daemons, who Govern the times by turns, from Monday to Saturday, Annually.  

MONDAY. BRITANICUS-DIURNALL.  
THis Well goes with two Buckets, and it were loss of time to tend the pouring out of either. This Novel- Britanicus is but the little Toe on the left foot of that Gigantic Paper-spoiler, who (like the Dragon in the Apocalypse) vomited an Hue and Cry after the late King: This fellow because Hair is no Emblem of Wit, affects baldness to admiration. He is never constant to one Habit: and therefore you may (perhaps) not err in calling him Changeling, Prag, Mock— Prag— tanicus— any thing: The River in Athenaeus is his Emblem, whose upper waters were sweet and grateful, but towards the bottom brackish. But I leave him, concluding him witty and a Scholar: but then follows the   

DIURNAL.  
A Piece of much Antiquity, but had never plagued the Nation with so prolix a Date, if the least grain of Wit had grumbled in its Entrails; It is the Country man's Chronicle, who believes its Narrations to be as Canonical as the Scriptures; A dull, drossy, dirty piece; it's strange if once in six weeks you find three lines of sense: the fellow that writes it, is no doubt of the humour of the Samseans, in Epiphanius, who were neither Jews nor Gentiles, not Christians, but preserved a commodious correspondency withal: He is very impartial in his Intelligence, which shall excuse him from further Castigation. The next is on Tuesday.   

The COMMONWEALTH'S WEEKLY INTELLIGENCE,  
THe only Pamphlet worth countenancing, and yet least read: The Author deserves a more pellucid Employment; There is worth in him: The occasion of his poverty— which puts me in mind of a story worth your notice, viz. Fortune and Virtue, Wisdom and Folly being their Seconds, upon a time contended for the Supremacy; every man thought that Fortune and Folly would have the worst, and pitied their cases, but it fell out otherwise; Fortune was blind, and cared not where she struck, nor whom, etc. Folly rash and inconsiderate, esteemed as little what she said or did; Virtue and Wisdom gave place, were hissed out by the Common people. Folly and Fortune admired. And so are all their Followers ever since: Fools and Knaves commonly far and deserve best in Worldlings eyes. Would not it congeal any knowing man to stone, to see a withered face, a diseased cankered complexion, a rotten carcase, a viperous mind, and Epicurean soul, set out with Orient Pearls, Jewels, Perfumes, curious elaborate Works, as proud of his  as a child of his new Coats; and a goodly person of an Angellike divine countenance, an humble mind, a meek spirit clothed in Rags, beg and ready to be starved? to see a silly contemptible sloven in Apparel, ragged in his Coat, polite in his speech, of divine spirit, and wise: Another neat in , spruce, full of courtesy, empty of Grace, or wit, talk nonsense, etc. Our Gallants (forsooth) contemn Scholars as Idiots, Fools, and Asses; and as oft are they rejected and derided, because they cannot ride an Horse which every Clown can do, Carve at Table, Cringe, and make Congees, which every common Swasher can do: they are laughed to scorn, and accounted silly fools by the Gallants of our times, and to say truth many times they deserve it, A mere Scholar, A mere Ass. But of all professions (in this Age) the Scholar is the worst; Fine times the while. But enough of this, the third in order— on Wednesday is—   

DEMOCRITUS.  
A Cur passing through a Village: if he clap his Tail between his legs, and run away, every Whelp will insult over him; but if he brisse up himself, and stand to it, give but a Counter-snarle, and not a Dog dares meddle with him: This fool (who names himself Democritus) some weeks since made merry with Phreneticus (a Pamphlet I continued that week to pleasure some fine friends of mine) which had been passed over as not worth a Retort, had not the notorious Cuck— exulted and made his Brags to divers in particular, I could have made my Pity my Pillow, and have slept away a Design: But now Mr Metropolitan I cannot wave you.  
The Man in the Moon having thrown him into the Gatehouse, his first action after his Enfranchisement (by which you may guess the constitution of the fellow's soul) was to rail at the present King of Scots, inveigh against the Ashes of the late King, and load the distressed Royal Party with all the odious Epithets possibly to be vented from the venomous jaws of a Mercenary Scribbler, but that not answering his expectation, the King's worst enemies hating the turn coat for his levity,) Mercurius Democritus found Production from his tainted skull: and under that notion pray look upon him in this Glass;  
The very name of Democritus intimates, A Pasquil, or some ridiculous Treatise. Democritus, (or the laughing Philosopher) was a little wearish old man, a general Scholar, a great Student, a man of excellent wit, of profound conceit: and is it not an insufferable shame, that this Impostor should broach so many insolent Fictions under the name of so noble a Philosopher. Democritus was an expert Physician, a Politician, an excellent Mathematician; He knew the Natures and differences of all Beasts, Plants, Fishes, Birds, and (as some say) understood the Tunes and voices of them; and to the intent he might the better Contemplate, he put out his eyes, and was voluntary blind, yet saw more than all Greece beside. If this Quack would make him his example, no man should love him more than myself, I could then be content to be one of those Idle fellows who read what this Idle fellow writes, that base Illurate Scribbler who lards his lean Pamphlets with the fat of other Books; A Rascal that cares not whom he calumniates, and hath the Impudence, though himself be a known Wit— as well as an unparalleled Cuc— to asperse men of generous tempers, and who hate nothing more than such Swinish servility. What is his Pamphlet else, save a Rhapsody of Rags gathered together from several Dunghills, harsh, raw, rude, jail, dull, and dry, Stylus virum argit: whom, if I find cause (for the future) I shall retalliate rather Argumento Bacillino quam Aristotlico. I confess there was never so much cause of laughter as now, never so many Fools and Mad men: 'tis not one Democritus will serve to laugh in these days: We have now need of a Democritus to laugh at a Democritus, one J●ster to flout another, one Fool to fleare another; a great Stentorian Democritus, as big as that Rhodian Colusses: This fellow has all the smptoms of a Beast: He kicks like an Asse● neighs like a Horse, ravens like a Bear, rakes and howls, (he is troubled with that Lupinam insaniam, a Woolfe-madnesse,) like a Worse, and is as impudent as a Dog. Nature has given him O●om●zes Enchanted egg inoculated in his cheek, perhaps as the badge of his &c. But 'tis time to have done with him; Good-morrow to your Metro-simplesh●p, I mean Metropolitanship. Then next, on Thursday,   

POLITICUS.  
TAcitus, and the rest of the Roman Historians, never intended their Annals as this Gentleman's Aphorisms— I own much Gratitude here— I wish to live to retalliate his favours— My Liberty was once won by his industry.  

Charus erit Verri qui V●rrem tempore quo vult  
Accusare potest—   

Vere's even Hugs and Courts him that has power  
to controvert his liberty each hour.   
And then follows on Friday,   

The SCOUT; PERFECT PASSAGES.  
SUre the Devil has gained that Grub street for his Grand Garrison; The very air is infected with those rank, rotten pestilentian lies, that each day muster from that Augaean Stable, the S●out. Why he that reads that Sheet but ●a●fe, must needs be an entire Fiend, and love Lying better than Lawyers love money. Never so prodigious a Pamphlet— Each Page is a Pest, and each Line a Li●ell. But sure we shall not find it so in these,   

PERFECT-PASSAGES.  
THis Red-bearded Chronicler hath found so happy a Metamorphosis, as from an Hebrew Iron-Monger to become a Paridoxical Divine: You would think (if you heard him preach) that he had his Text from a Gazet, you heard so much of a Coranto. O he's excellent in private, at Parlour-Sermons, and Meeting-Houses; and here commonly he is more Enthusiast than Scripturist. His Auditors believe his Dreams to be as Canonical as the Revelation: Like those Melancton speaks of, Quicquid somniant volunt esse Spiritum Sanctum. But what have I to do with this Venerable man; Fame's Fingers are too foul to touch such holy Rites. He is very sententious, fluent and sublime in his weekly Intelligence; and so I leave him.   

POSTSCRIPT.  
LIke that Albanian Dog, sometime given to Alexander for a Present, Vindico me ab illis solo contemptu. I shall securely contemn those malicious and scurile Obloquys of Railers and Detractors. I'll lie still and sleep, and vindicate my self by contempt alone; Flecti potest, frangi non potest. 'Twas an extraordinary occasion put me upon this Pamphlet. But now farewell for ever: Thou canst not think worse of me (Reader) than I do of myself; I fear thy Vote, if thou be a competent Judge,  — Et linguas Mancipiorum contemno. 
This will serve to put under Pies, to lap Tobacco in, and keep Roast-meat from burning.  
VALE.