THE SPEECH OF A WARDEN  
To the Fellows of his COMPANY: Touching the great affairs of the KINGDOM.  
Wherein your Judgement will stand amazed to decide whether his Wisdom or Learning did exceed.  
And doubtless is such a Speech as was never spoken by any Warden since the City was made a Corporation.  
Published by Antibrownistus Puritanomastix.  
Printed for N. V. 1642.   

The Speech of a WARDEN to the fellows of his Company.  
BRethren and fellow Councillors of this never too-wise assembly: Before I begin my discourse, my duty binds me to render you all humble thanks for your general Election of me, to wag my beard amongst you this day, for the good of the Commonwealth: I confess myself as very a Woodcock as the best of you, and as far unfit for this great employment, yet (with your patience) I will endeayour to express the simplicity of my zealous affection to the Weal-public, with as much vigour and outrageous spleen, as my shallow capacity can perform.  
The first thing I am bound in conscience to present to your consideration, is the Liturgy of the Church, which is a thing in these days generally spoken against and that by our most eminent▪ grave and orthodox Coachmen, Weavers, and Brewers-Clerks; nay it is grown odious to our Shee-divines, whose eyes, do perpetually look asquint with the very thought of it. For my part, what this Liturgy is, I know not▪ nor care not, yet as simple as I am, I am confident it is a hard word, And in my judgement is either Greek or Latin or both; from whence I must necessarily conclude, that there ought no hard words, no Greek nor Latin, nor any that know them come within the Discipline of the Church, nor any Language or Linguist, but plain Hebrew and English. Let us therefore avoid this Liturgy as a thing whereof we are utterly ignorant, uncapable, and undeserving. And if it concern the Common Prayer (as my singular wife saith it doth,) then questionless (if the new Convocation be but endued with wisdom correspondent to mine,) they will doom it to be burnt with such a fire as will consume it, yea till it be consumed even as the Logs in Lincolns-Inn-fields were. And great reason, for it hath been the only cause why the Gospel hath prospered so slenderly under the ministry of preaching tradesmen, and Lay Clergy-women, who have coupled themselves together, in a joint labour for the procreating of young Saints to fill up the number of this new faith: To which purpose how often, and how long have Barnes, Stables, Woods, Saw-pits, Old Ditches, Cellars, yea houses of Office been their Synagogues, places of excellent privacy, and free from the eyes of the sinful, and such of the wicked as will speak worse than they mean, for certainly their speaking is worse than our doing. But (to come to my subject again, for I had like to have rambled from it,) if this Liturgy (that heathen word Liturgy) were blotted of out the Church, what an infinite increase, and multiplication of spiritual children would they suddenly beget, insomuch that the parishes would even swarm with them. And that in regard of the Liberty they might then use, for they are altogether so strong of Spirit (by reason of high sare) and as I may say so zealously impudent, that I persuade myself, they would go too't even in the open streets, and never fear or shame to be discovered. But I will conclude this argument as Goodman Green did in the Hebrew tongue in Hatcham Barn last fasting day after dinner, quoth he very excellently, Quiquidlibet cuquodlibet, which according to the best translation is, away with the Liturgy away with it, and so say I  
The second thing I must vex your patience withal, is the Miliria, which (although I know not the meaning of it,) yet it is argument sufficient to me to conceive it absolutely requisite; because the King doth absolutely oppose it. This same Militia is likewise a hard word: And if it be Hebrew (as for aught I know it may be) I should love it the better; but from hence I must needs observe, that hard words are fit for the Camp than the Church: And therefore I hold it very necessary that those who are Scholars and understand hard words, should be compelled (as I think they will be,) to apply themselves to Military Offices; and in their stead those that understand nothing be entrusted with Ecclesiastical Discipline. And further: Touching this Militia, what a glorious sight it is to see the Leaders, and their horses armed in gold and silver lace, Gorgets, and Leading-Staves, of beaten plate, Ornaments of excellent use in War, for the enemies to make prize on, and is perhaps a witty policy (in case of surprisal,) to carry their Ransoms in the habit of Armour: And then again, to see the unstained Buff and Scarlet, never blemished with so much as one Crimson Drop, the new-painted Drums, and unweather-beaten Ensigns, and chief the courageous Batteries made upon the fresh air, with full as much alacrity and undaunted spirit as if the enemy himself had been there ready pitched for an encounter or more, I verily believe. What say you to me myself that never discharged a piece in all my life before it did my heart good to hear my gun crack though I could not see it, for indeed I winked, and yet I think in my conscience I could have hit the great Tent (durst I have charged a Bullet,) at more than twenty foot off. Well this Militia is a brave thing and as necessary an invention to consume powder, and to keep us in weekly employment in these times of small trading, as heart can wish: In my opinion it is fit it be encouraged: And that it be ordained (enacted I believe it will not be) Colonel of all the hard words that ever came into the City since the valiant Conquest of Wat Tyler and Jack Straw, performed by a Citizen and predecessor of ours.  
This Militia (being established,) leads me on to my third argument which I doubt not but (by your grave favours) to go through, with as much discretion as I have done the two former.  
And that is the extirpation of the Papists. O let us elevate our perspicuous Noses, to smell out their treacheries that we may be able to root them out, (but not with our Noses, for that would be swinish:) And rather than be such beasts let us be horned beasts, (as our Ancestors and Predecessors in all ages have been,) that we may yoke ourselves together in full strength, and blow them up, as it were the bowels of the earth: Let us heap so many crosses u●on them till they be afraid to cross the way on us, or to cross the proverb or to cut any cross Capers, lest we interpret every such act, to be direct Popish superstition. And to perfect this extirpation let all men whosoever that are not directly and absolutely of our opinion mind habit, (if it had been possible I would have said wisdom,) be reputed Papists. (And so they are already,) but I mean let them fall within the limitation and censures of all laws established against Popery and popish innovasion. And therefore let him that honours the name of Jesus be reputed a Jesuit, him that takes degrees at the universities be held a Seminary, and so consequently let them both be hanged drawn and quartered for high Treason, for that's the doom my charity can afford them: Nay let not a woman wear Beads, lest we ●udge she numbers her prayers by them, (unless it be Pearl-beads in a Hatband because my wife herself (that impregnable piece of devout obstinacy) hath adjudged and followed that fashion as a decent wearing, and special vestment, to give evidence of the haughty and vain glorious pride of a Citizen's wife. And further, for this purpose; Let us draw the King (if it be possible) to become no natural man; that is, never to reflect on any man for his excellency of learning, pregnancy of wit, affability and sweetness of behaviour, fluency of language, or any other perfection of Art or Nature whatsoever, unless he can likewise give sufficient Testimony of his affection to Roundheadisme, that he never heard any Common-prayers, but can pray himself four hours, with more vehemency, than the best Divine in Christendom that prays but a quarter. That he believes it not possible, that a Sermon in any language under Heaven can save a soul, except English and Hebrew. Now truly, for my part I cannot very perfectly speak this same Hebrew-tongue I mentioned so often; but I honour it, because I take it to be the language they speak at Amsterdam, where the most famous Lay-Doctors in all the World do exercise. But I say what a glorious Court would men of these qualities and saith make: the King's graces beforemeat and after-meat would be longer than his morning and evening prayers are; the reversion of his Diet not given away, but all eaten, as swiftly as a Cormorant swallows an Eel: Ambassadors would be answered, before they had an Audience, even by instinct of the spirit; long locks would be converted to large ears; Masques, and Plays to Conventicles, and Psalmsinging; the very sight or ugly aspect of them, would slight these same pretty Taffata-beauties out of the Verge, so that no sinners but themselves, should come near the Throne of Majesty, whereby they would be (as their ambition ever was) the prime sinners of the Kingdom. How fit would these men be for State employment too? would not How the Cobbler make a special Keeper of the great Seal, in regard of his experience in Wax? Or Walker the spiritual Bailod-wrighter, become the Office of Secretary of State? Or the Lock-Smith that preached in Crooked-lane, make an excellent Master of the Wards? And the Tailor at Bridewell-Docke, might be Master of the Liveries. Who fit to be Master of the Horse, than my Lord Whatchicallums Groom? I tell you plainly, he is able to do more service in the Stable, (besides what he can do in the Pulpit) than he that enjoys the place. And would not Browne the Upholster, make a proper Groom of the Bedchamber? Why, I myself am Warden of my Company, and could not I think you as well be Warden of the Cinque Ports? Well, well I, am verily persuaded we shall never attain to these preferments; but it doth me good to build a Castle in the Air with the thought of it, to think how we should firk the Popish and Malignant party, what now in them is but Petty-larciny, should then be accounted high Treason; what now is but Superstition, should then be blasphemy, Innovation should be Heresy, and Latin in a Sermon should be reputed flat Damnation. O there was never any Tiger, Dragon, or Elephant did reign, domineer, rule, and tyrannize as we would do; we would be very Lions in the Namean woods. Hydra's in the Lernaean Fens, Eagles in the Skies, Whales in the Seas Pikes in the Rivers and Nero's in the Empire; nay, all the Devils in hell, Hags, Furies, Witches, and Instruments of damnation whatsoever, should never parallel us for inventions to plague these lukewarm Locusts, these Mercurialls of Religion that stand upon Philosophy, Reason▪ Sense and I know not what; as if reason and sense, and such fooleries, were pertinent to religion and the graces of the Spirit. This Rapture had almost begot an ecstasy m●me but that a proverb amongst the wicked came in the nick to cool the fumosity of my Choleric rheum, that the cursed Cow hath short horns: And truly now I think better on it. whatsoever our mad frenzies do persuade us to imagine ourselves, yet we are not the people that must have all the sway, the King's part will ●ear half; for let us think what we will of ourselves, the truth is, the wiser sort do hold us but Roundheads, silly rascals, ignorant coxcombs, indiscreetly zealous fools, yea even Cuckolds, and know us to be so too, yet I have only intimated my proper zeal, and customary desires unto you, that you might all with my affection expect this happy change, which we would call by the name of Reformation, for this (might it come to pass as it never will do,) were a sure way to banish Popery, and bring the Kingdom into a way of extemporary preaching, and spiritual blasphemy. And here I end with the Papists. I should have prolonged my invection against them, but that I saw the Proclamation for executing Laws upon them, wherefore (Though I do not love them,) yet I think the better of them because the King pursues them so eagerly.  
The next thing which I will plunder my brains and beat out the very quintessence of my noddle about, is the design for Ireland, upon which subject I doubt not but to belabour my invention so strongly, that you would think Tully were making an Oration against Catiline, or that an Apple-wench were scolding with a Pedlar in Barthalomew fair about a standing; or that a railing Lecturer were preaching a Sermon of damnation in a reprobate Auditory: nay, I fear not but you will crown me Cob-warden of all the Wardens in Europe or New-England; which is more.  
The great necessity of this Design appears to my conscience, but in two particulars only. First, the reparation of our losses past: and secondly, the expectation of a mighty profit to come; for which two causes only (without any collateral or other consideration of bloodshed▪ or any thing else) I do urge this unto you. As for our losses, they are more than Arirhmaticke can number; and that is a great deal you will say, yet it is true, though he that counts it easy to multiply the Sands and the Stars were to be the accountant. And thus it appears, many of us here present and many hundreds more have wittily taken the opportunity of the Rebellion in Ireland, to compound their debts here, under pretence of losses there; which in my judgement is a most inscrutinous and unsearchable pretence; and he that gave the first example thereof deserves to be made Master of the Company of Bankrupts; I would have you all learn it. And I confess, I myself would follow it, but that it doth not agree with the rules of City pride; for than I should be compelled to forsake my Wardenship, and my wife to give the wall, which would break her heart, or else breed such a dissension betwixt us, that she would break mine. But I say, by virtue of this ingeniously mischievous pretence, you might enrich your debt Books to a triple estate, and never come within the compass of controlment, and so cousin your Creditors and the Commissioners of Bankerours with a cleanly neat excuse, and invisible piece of knavery, I even tickle with the conceit of it: you may thereby preserve your money to buy Land in Ireland, and so after the Conquest, have that estate there in reality, which now you do but pretend to have. Now truly I thank you all for that loving Him, it is a most evident token of your proneness to take my advice; and I doubt not but to my glory and your comfort, it will be followed with speedy effect, especially if the King be not pacified and return home again. The second cause why I press this Design (as I said before) is the mighty benefit which thereby will accrue; he that adventures two hundred pounds for a thousand Acres, purchaseth for the said two hundred pounds, five and twenty pounds a year at six pence an Acre per annum, (I made my man Jehos●phat Singularily cast it up this morning.) And this kind of profit is peculiar only to us money-mungers. The benefit which will redound to the Soldiers is of another nature, viz. that transparent and invisible treasure called Honour, the proper advancement of all resolved spirits: For alas, what should they do with Lands or estates, to hinder their brave achievements and redoubted undertake. It is enough they come home with half their limbs, thereby enabled to be Pensioners of the County Treasury, under the limitation of maimed Soldiers, in genteele rags, and not a louse that creeps upon those rags, but a gentleman by the Law of Arms; the total of their whole Revenue consisting of honourable scars, and rusty Whinyards that will not be pawned; arguments of more validity for them to swagger, and dam and sink withal, then infinite wealth could be; and may but their idol Fortune be so favourable as to afford them means to procure Ale and Tobacco, why they will live as happily as the great Took; though meat and  be things utterly worn out of their memories. And so much for this Design.  
Now for my period, my ultimum, my nil ultra, the very Garland of my good Will to the Public; and that is the fears and jealousies which do now possess the Kingdom; I will but only grunt you out a modicum, a touch, a relish, a short twang of them, and then end with the same modesty, gravity and wisdom that I began.  
Concerning these Fears and Jealousies; they are of a most dangerous nature and high consequence, the greatest that ever was in any Time or Nation; but truly neither I nor anyman living can tell what they are, or from whence they should arise: but without all doubt there is great cause, or else there would not be such talking of them: And it appears by an example here present, for all you that now snore so loud, could not have been so sleepy had not Fears and Jealousies kept you waking: Besides, now I think out, there are some apparent causes, as myself do fear lest Jehosophat should get my Daughter Dorcas with child, for Jehosophat is a notable boy, and hath said prayers at a Conventickle, and the girl hath a strain both of Father and mother in her. You neighbour Gripe do fear least your wife should know you keep a whore at Putney, and you brother Brush fear lest you should be hanged for speaking high treason a 'gainst the King; and truly we all fear one thing or other. And for our Jealousies, all of us here present, that have handsome wives are jealous of them, and not without good cause: and those that have not, are jealous of other women, and some are jealous of their servants; so that you see there are both Fears and Jealousies grounded upon considerable causes. Now truly how to prevent the effects of these Fears and Jealousies, is not within the compass of my Ingenuity: For it is not the Militia, the stopping of Ports, and holding Garrison Towns, that can keep our Wives, Daughters, and Servants honest, if they have a mind to cockolds, or try whether they be able to fructify: No, no Italian Locks will not do it: nay, for aught I know, your wife neighbour Spider may be just now at it▪ for I saw Green the Feltmaker go that way as I came tooth Hal: O tremble not neighbour, she hath (no doubt) discretion to do nothing but what is spiritual and secret, merely to take down the pride of the flesh, for I'll assure you that Act is as great a help to the mortification of fleshly desires, as the longest fast that ever was kept. Now there are other Fears and Jealousies; but as I said, so I say again, I cannot imagine from whence they should proceed, unless we should fear lest the Devil should too soon take a swift Vengeance on us for our damnable Extortions, and Cozenage in the sale of out Commodities: And yet why should we fear that we are already sure on. Well, since there is no remedy; we will fear still, and be jealous still: And (without all question) when the Danger comes upon us, we shall know the cause thereof: In the mean time, I will sit down and fall asleep, and hold my peace.  
FINIS.