Pray be not Angry: OR, THE women's NEW LAW: WITH Their several Votes, Orders, Rules, and Precepts, to the London-Prentices, both in Cheapside, , Fish-street, Gracious-street, Broad-street, Fleetstreet, Newgate-market, the Strand, ; and all other places whatsoever, in and about the City of LONDON, or Parts adjacent. LIKEWISE, Their Rare Precedents and Instructions, both to youngmen and old, for the choosing of a good Wife, or virtuous Mistress; and how they shall know and distinguish an honest Woman from an enticing, and dissembling Whore.  
Printed according to Order; Being pleasant for Youngmen, profitable for Old-men, and hurtful to none.  
London, Printed for George Horton, 1656.   

To the READER.  
MUsing with myself, in a time of sadness, and having little pleasure to pass the time withal, being lately exasperated and interwoven in the Thirds of Choler against some Wasps of the Female Sex, (or certain Lavia, Flora, and Lais Courtesans, three notorious Strumpets,) retained a Resolution, (so soon as I had brake and violated their Sting and Engine) to take Pen in hand, and charactarize the Qualities of such deceitful and inflaming Angels or Devils, as Plato saith, for so he termeth all such Women, who imitate and tread the steps of Semiramis of Babylon, that both and after her husband's death, she waxed so unsatiable in carnal lust, that two men at one time could not satisfy her desire; and so by her unsatiableness, at length all Persia grew full of Whores. But before I proceed further, give me leave to whisper one word in your ear, viz. Whatever you think privately, I wish you to conceal it with silence, left in starting up to find fault, you prove yourselves guilty of these monstrous accusations, which are here following against such lascivious Theodora's; and those which spurn, if they feel themselves touched, prove themselves stark fools, in bewraying their galled backs to the world; for we intent not to reflect on any, but such as when they hear it, will go about to reprove it: And as I intent not to speak much of those that are good, so shall I speak too little of those that are naught; but yet I will not altogether condemn the bad, (unless they be perfect Jezabels) desiring rather to better the one, by paralleling the other: for there is no woman so good, but may amend, knowing that the clearest River that is hath some dirt in the bottom; and as Gold is not all of one Picture, no more are women all of one disposition: But if this sauce prove too sharp for some, and the flowers too strong for others, I desire you with patience to hear the rest; for indeed the best is behind: And far more rarer things, (than either Iceland Dogs, or Venice Glasses) you may expect from him, who assures himself  
Yours in the way of Honesty, G. Thorowgood.   

Pray be not angry: Or, The women's new Law.  
THE Philosophers which lived in the old time, their Opinions were so hard of Marriage, that they never delighted therein: for one of them being asked, why he married not? he answered it was too soon: And afterwards when he was old, being asked the same question, he then replied, It was too late. And as another well said, Many are the troubles which come galloping at the heels of a woman, which many young men before hand do not think of. The world is not all made of Oatemeal; nor all is not Gold that glisters; nor a smiling countenance is no certain testimonial of a merry heart; nor the way to Heaven is not strewed with Rushes; no more is the Cradle of ease in a woman's lap. For know; it is an old saying, That he which hath a fair wife, and a white horse, shall never be without troubles: for commonly a woman that hath a fair face, is ever matched with a cruel heart, and their modest countenance with merciless minds: she can both smooth and sooth, and is so cunning in the art of flattery, as if she had been bound Apprentice twice seven years to the Trade: They have Siren's tongue to allure thee, and Circe's cunning to inchant thee: They bear two tongues in one mouth like Judas, and two hearts in one breast like Magus; the one full of smiles; the other, full of frowns: they can with the satire, out of one mouth, blow hot and cold. And what of all this? truly nothing, but to tell thee, That an unconstant and unchaste woman is better lost than found, better forsaken, then taken; but a constant, chaste, and virtuous woman, doth far excel the most purest and refinest gold.  
A lewd and froward woman is compared to a Pumicestone; for which way way soever you turn it, it is full of holes: Even so is such a ones heart, for if she retains love at one hole, she excludeth it at another. O they have delicate tongues, which will ravish and tickle the ears of giddyheaded young men; so foolish, that they think themselves happy, if they can but kiss the Daisy whereon their Love did tread: who if the frown, than he descends presently into hell; but if she smile, than he is carried with Wings up into heaven. Is there not an old saying, That when a Dog wags his tail, he loves his Master? So many think, that if a woman smile on them, she is presently over head and ears in love: one must wear her Glove, another her Garter, another her colours of delight, and another shall spend and live on the spoil which the getteth from all the rest: Know therefore, If thou wilt give thy body to the Chirurgeon, and thy soul to the Devil, such Sirens are for thy diet.  
It is strange to see the mad feats of such Girls; they will now be merry, then again sad; now laugh, then weep; now sick, then presently whole: all things which like not them, are naught; and if it be never so bad, if it like them, it is excellent. O it is death for women to be denied the thing which they demand, and yet they will despise things given unasked! When a woman wanteth any thing, she will flatter and speak fair; not much unlike the flattering Butcher, who gently claweth the Ox, when he intendeth to knock him on the head. Nay more, they are called Night-Crows, for that commonly in their Chamber they will make request for such toys, as cometh in their heads in the day. Women know their time to work their craft; for in the night they will work a man like Wax, and draw him like as the Adamant doth the Iron: and having once brought him to the bent of her Bow, than she makes request for a Gown of the new fashion stuff, for a Petticoat of the finest Stammel, or for a Hat of the newest fashion: and will never be quiet, if her mind be set upon a thing, till she have it. So that if her husband put her off with delays, than her forehead will butt full of frowns, as if she threatened to make Clubs Trump, and he (poor soul) never a black Card in's hand: For with her cruel tongue she will ring him such a peal, that one would think the Devil were come from hell, calling of him Rogue, Rascal, Wittol, Sot, etc. saying, she could live without such a faggot-faced hornified Coxcomb, as he, with a wannion to him.  
Sure I am, men may live without women, but women cannot live without men: For Venus, whose beauty was excellent fair, yet when she needed a man's help, she took Vulcan, a club-footed Smith. And therefore if a woman face glister, and her gesture pierce the Marble Wall; or if her Tongue be so smooth as Oil, and so soft as silk, and her words so sweet as honey; or if she were a very Ape, for wit, or a baggage of Gold for wealth; or if her personage have stolen away all that Nature can afford, and she be decked up in gorgeous apparel, than a thousand to one but she will love to walk where she may get acquaintance, and acquaintance bringeth familiarity, and familiarity setteth all follies abroach; and twenty to one, that if a woman love gadding, but that she will pawn her honesty to please her fantasy.  
Alas, alas! Man must be at all the cost, and yet live by the loss; a man must take all the pains, and women spend all the gains; a man must watch and till, and look what he getteth in seven years, a Wanton Gill will spread it abroad with a fork in one year, and yet little enough to serve her turn, but a great deal too little to get her good will.  
What shall I say more, but as they were by God created, and by Nature form, and therefore by policy and wisdom to be avoided; for good things abused, are to be refused, or else for a month's pleasure, she may hap to make thee go stark naked: she will give the roast-meat, but she will beat thee with the spit: If thou hast Crowns in thy purse, she will be thy heart's gold, until she leave not a whit of white money: they are like Summer-birds, for they will abide no storm, but flock about thee in the pride of thy glory, and fly from thee in the storms of affliction; for they aim more at thy wealth then at thy person, and esteem more thy money, then virtuous qualities.  
In a word, they esteem of a man without money, as a horse doth of a fair stable without meat.  
These things being wisely considered, who would submit unto their alluring Angles, and bow at their becks? and who would impoverish himself, to enrich such Harlots, to make them swim in their silks, and make Gill a Gentlewoman, insomuch that she careth not a penny for the finest, nor a fig for the proudest: she is as good as the best, although she have hardly as much honesty as will serve her own turn, suffering every man's fingers as deep in the dish, as thine are in the platter, and every man to angle where thou castest thy hook, holding up to all that come, not much ●●like a Barber's Chair, that so soon as one Knave is out, another is in, a common hackney for every one that will ride, a boat for every one to row in.  
Now if thy wealth do begin to fail, than she biddeth thee farewel, and gives thee the adieu in the Devil's name: not much unlike the Knavish Porters in Bristol, who will cry A new Master, a new; and hang up the Old.  
To ma●e thee strongest therefore, to strive against these Serpents, it is the Law and Precept of sundry modest women, to all men whatsoever, To beware of six kind's of women, and to take heed that they match not themselves to any one of them; that is to say, If a woman be never so comely, beautiful of body, sober of countenance, sober of countenance, eloquence in speech, and adorned with virtue, yet they have one ill quality or other, which overthroweth all the rest.  
Beware also how thou matchest unto a Jezabel widow, for she will be the cause of a thousand woes: if rich, than she will govern: if poor, than thou art plagued both with beggary and bondage: If thou show thyself sparing, she will say, thou shalt not pinch her of that which is her own; and if thou do any thing contrary to her mind, she will say, her other husband was more kind: If thou chance to dine from home, she will bid thee go sup with thy harlots abroad: If thou go abroad, and spend any thing before thou comest home, she will say, A beggar I found thee, and a beggar thou meanest to leave me. If thou stay always at home, she will say, Thou art happy thou hast gotten a wife that is able to maintain thee idle. If thou carve her the best morsel on the Table, though she take it, yet she will take it scornfully, and say, She once had a husband that would let her cut where she liked herself. And if thou come in well disposed, thinking to be merry, and entreating her with fair words, she will call thee dissembling hypocrite, saying, Thou speakest me fair with thy tongue, but thy heart is on thy Minions abroad. Besides this, she will not trust thee with a handsome Maid in thy house, but must have a brinded slut, like a Hell-hag, with a pair of paps like a pair of dung-pots; so that if upon just occasion thou throwest the platters at thy Maid's head, seeing thy meat brought in by such a slut, and so sluttishly dressed, then will thy Widow take pepper in the nose, and stamp, and stare, and look so sour, as if she had come but even then from eating of Crabs, saying, If thou hadst not married with me, thou wouldst have been glad of the worst morsel that is here, thou Cornuted Beast thou.  
Lo here's a life, but it is as wearisome as Hell; for if they kiss in the morning, being friends, yet ere Noon are ready to throw the house out at window. A sad life, and a mad life! For note, that one having married with a Widow, being one day at a Sermon, heard the Preacher say, Whosoever will be saved, let him take up his Cross and follow me. This mad fellow after Sermon was ended; took his wife upon his back, and came to the Minister, saying, Here is my Cross, I am ready to follow thee whither thou wilt.  
Another merry companion having married with a Widow, and carried her over Sea into France, there suddenly arose a great storm, insomuch that they were all in danger of drowning; the Master of the ship called unto the Mariners, and bade them take and throw overboard all the heaviest goods in the ships: This married man hearing him say so, he took his Widow, and threw her over: and being asked the reason why he did so, he said, That he neverfelt any thing in all his life that was so heavy to him as she had been.  
Another having married with a widow, and within a while after they were married, she went out into the garden, and there finding her husband's shirt hang close on the edge by her Maid's smock, she went presently and hanged herself, upon a jealous conceit that she took: and a merry fellow ask the cause why she hanged herself, and being told that it was for jealousy, I would, said he, that all Trees did bear such fruit.  
In a word, there is no woman but either she hath a long tongue, or a longing tooth, and they are two ill Neighbours, if they dwell together; for the one will lighten the purse, if it be still pleased, and the other will waken thee from thy sleep, if it be not charmed.  
It is strange of what kind of metal a woman's tongue is made, that neither correction can chasten, nor fair means quiet? For there is a kind of venom in it, that neither by fair means nor soul they are to be ruled. All Beast by men are made tame, but a woman's tongue will never be tame: it is but a small thing and seldom seen, but is often heard, to the terror and confusion of many a man.  
Some with sweet words undermine their husband, as Dalilah did Samson, and some with chiding and brawling are made weary of the world, as Socrates and others. Socrates when his wife did chide and brawl, would go out of the house till all were quiet again: but because he would not scold with her again, it grieved her the more; for on a time she watched his going out, and threw a Chamber-pot out of a window on his head, Ha', ha', quoth he, I thought after all this thunder there would come rain.  
Therefore as a sharp Bit curbs a froward Horse, even so a cursed woman must be roughly used; but if women could hold their tongues, three to one but men would hold their hands. As the best mettled blades are mixed with Iron, even so the best woman that is, is not free from faults; the goodliest Gardens are not free from Weeds, no more is the best nor fairest woman from ill deeds.  
For who was adorned with more beauty than fair Venise in Cyprus, and Rodepe in Egypt? yet both notorious Strumpets.  
It is said, that the gods themselves did change their shapes, for the love of such women they lusted after: Jupiter transformed himself into a Bull, Neptune into a Horse, and Mercury into a Goat. Nay, Samson and Hercules, for all their great strength and conquest of Giants and Monsters, yet the one yielded his Club at Delanira's foot, and the other revealed his strength to Dalilah, and paid his life for his folly. Was not wise Solomon, and holy David overcome by the sweet enticements of women? And the great Captain Holofernes, whose sight made many thousands to quake, yet he lost his life, and was slain by a woman. Wherefore, to avoid the sight many times is the best Razor to cut off the occasion of the evil which cometh by women; for had not Holofernes seen the beauty of Judeth, and marked the fineness of her foot, he had not lost his head by her. If Herod had not seen Herodias daughter dance, he had not so rashly granted her St. John Baptists head. Had not Eve seen the Apple, and so was tempted with the beauty of the Serpent, who (as Schoolmen writ) shown himself like a fair youngman; but had not she seen it, I say she had not eaten thereof, to her own grief, and many more.  
So that consequently, he that lays his Net to catch a fair Woman, he may chance to fall into the springe which was laid for a Woodcock: therefore I do admonish young men, and advise old men; and I counsel simple men, and I warn all men, that they fly a wicked woman, as from the pestilence, or else she will make thee fly in the end.  
FINIS.