A Brown Dozen of Drunkards: (Ali-ass Drink-hards) Whipped, and shipped to the Jsle of Gulls: For their abusing of Mr. Malt the bearded son, and Barley-broth the brainless daughter of Sir John Barley-corne.  
All joco-seriously descanted to our 

Wine-drunk,  
Wrath-drunk,  
Zeale-drunk,   staggering Times.  
By one that hath drunk at S. Patrick's Well.   depiction of drunkards 
London: Printed by Robert Austin on Adlin-hill. 1648.   

A brown dozen of Drunkards, ali-ass Drink-hards, Jocoseriously descanted to our wine-drunk, wrath-drunk and zeale-drunk staggering cimes.  

1. Drunken Wimble-tree, ali-ass Reeler.  
THe foreman of the Jury to give in their verdict at Bacchus his Bar, that a full pot is better than an empty purse: make way for him there, let him have elbowroom enough; mark how how he comes rolling like a wheelbarrow, weltering like a Greenland Whale, and tumbling like a ship amongst Waves, half under water: look at him well (as an emblem of our Pernized times, as good as any in Catz, Quarles, Whitney, or Withers,) how he turns round like a ball, or an  bowl, runs in a circular motion, like a Scopperill, or Whirligig, as though more quicksilver were in his heels, than silver in his purse; and more weathercock on his head, than wit in his head: how naturally his feet without any art, like a poetising louse, with six feet, make Hexameters with Pentameters, long and short, up and down, like the spoaks in the whirling wheels of those Coaches, in which Tamburlaine was drawn by the pampered Jades of Asia: By the influence of the Moon on his maulted Element, one would think this Mooncalf, like other calves, had the sturdy, or like a Smithfield Jade, the staggers, he takes such frisks and capers from the circumference of the wide streets, into the centre of the channel, which he claims as his hereditary right, by such a title as the Rebels kept a plot of ground near Athy in Ireland, called Gallows Green, from whence they oft marched (as Campian, Garnet, and other Jesuits, from Tiber to Tyburn) down Gallowes-gate, and up Hempstreet: he is so intoxicated in his giddy brains like a Midsummers' Goose, that he staggers in his motions, like our old and new Enthusiasts, Familists; Anabablers once in Germany, and now in England, with our new Seekers for the Man in the Moon drinking Claret, reeling in their motions, and miscreant opinions, as once drunken Elderton in his Potions: I will stand to it, that however he goes to the Ale-stand a Noun Substantive, he ever comes from it a Noun Adjective, no more able to stand by himself, than a hop or a vine without a prop or a wall: a trencher-Parasite without a feeding Patron, or a weaning child without the upholding hand of a mother, or a nurse; take your hand from him, and let him stand on his own legs, and you take crutches from a cripple, and a leaning staff or post from a lame Giles, knocked in the head with a Barley bullet, as an Ox with a Butcher's Axe, procumbit humi bos, he stands so long as he can stand, then staggers and falls, per varios casus, after he hath declined potum, (to which he is much inclined) throughout all cases, till he be fit to be trust up in a cap-case, tendit in lutum, he reels into the mire, where he wallows like a weak horse in a bog, or a Gentleman in debt, and cannot get out, till some charitable hand help him: To anatomize him further, this Brute-asse (though not so oraculously as Brutus) oft kisseth his Mother earth, and acknowledgeth her bowell-bred worms to be his brothers, yea with as much humility, as once S. Francis said brother Wolf, he oft saith brother Hog, since it cannot be denied, but that as the same Barley-graines feed and fat them both, so they are oft stied together, and kennelled in one channel, which although he lift his legs oft very high, when his head goes very low, it's very probable, that he is as full of grave thoughts, or thoughts of his grave, as a Goose egg long sitten full of matter, since he is so oft digging his grave, as the Badger his hole, with his very nose, only his pride is, that after he hath kept his priorums amongst his Aristippized pot-professors, he causeth the stones, as once Tarlton, to kiss his posteriornms, though they be the bones of his old mother Tellus, as Poets tell us: the thing I most pity in him is this, that for all the reeling of this Ganderized giddy head, if his wife card no better at home, than he reels abroad, they will make a web no better than Arachne's clew, fit to be swept down, or then a fool's Medley of Goat's wool, Dog's hair, and mossy down; they will twist such webs as Penelope and Lucrece wove ad Calendas Graecas, in Plato's great year, when all Hens will make holy water, all Virgin vestal Nuns give milk, all Judges hate bribes, all Lawyear refuse fees, and all Black-coats great benefices: but since it is as probable that he may reel home, to steal a nap, as some Senior or Junior Immerito may be informed in these reformed times, how to slip, steal, or stumble into an undeserved plump personage, we will leave him to lolling, till his wine be out of his head, and his wit in, and reflex on his next fellow.   

2. Drink-hard Helluoh.  
A Tospottalian of a stronger bulk and brain then the former wind (or wine) shaken reed, or any of his fellows: one that is no flincher, he will stand to it more than any Tinker, as a metalled man indeed, back and edge; he will not out, till the last man be born, nor shrink from his tippling task, (like most now a days from their poor friends) like Western cloth in the wetting, he is not lose in the haft, like so many Totnams that have lately turned French, yea Hispaniolized, Italianate, or Devils incarnate for their own ends, if he set his feet once at Bacchus his Bar, he cannot be peerkt over as a wrangler, he will go thorough stitch with his work in sucking Bacchus his grapes, till they be as dry as a kimestick, or the sparks in a smith's throat: he will not fall off, as a Horse-Leach from sucking the Gouty legs of a Gundimer, when she is full, or as a Soldierly Clineas, or Dametas from his colours, when his faint heart is in his heels: he is a stiff blade indeed, steel to the very back, yea to give this doughty Drunkard (like the devil) his due, though I set him in the second place to his small grace, as though it were something, as in the Olympic Games, to be a second in wrestling, as the Pitcher-bangers in Alexander's Feast at Babylon, for the Barley wreath and Bacchus his Garland, yet indeed he is like a Cock of the game amongst Famlerts, or a Conqueror amongst Cravens, the King and Cob of all the rest, usually a Ledger when they are all under board; no Beer Brewers horse hath the commendation to draw on, (draw in) or bear his drink better than he: as there is fama in malo, fame even in infamy, (which he aimed at, who burned Diana's Temple) so like these furre-blazed Bacchanalians in their times, Tricongius, Novengius, Bonosus, Tymoleon, and the rest of the riotors, he is the Coripheus and prime amongst all the frothy fraternity of Fudlers, the proto-Lippler amongst all his nabals, his Nebuloes, his drunken neighbours, the main barrel amongst lesser firkins, in which he steeps his Lands moneys and means, till both he and his be in a pitiful pickle; he hath a drunken Dropsy in his throat harder to be quenched with wine, than the Golden Dropsy in a covetous Cremes, or then the flames in the Northern Hecla, the Sicilian Aetna, or that Vesuvius which choked Pliny, to be quenched with water; harder to be cured then the Gout, the Sciatica, the Strangury, or the regnant spleen amongst Sectaries of all sorts and sexes: yea as dangerous, so no less difficult to be cured, than the shaking of the elbow in an habituated Gamester, the hot mouth Fever in a scold, the tongue Palsy in a babbling Battus, the stone in the heart, worse than in the reins of Pharoized impenitents, his Appetite for drink; is like the grave for bodies, hell for sonles, materia prima for forms, the fire for fuel, and the barren womb of a Messalina for lust, which was lassata non satiata, insatiable, as Pliny the younger, Plautus, Cleanthes, Demosthenes, and others in their Diurnal, and nocturnal studies, were Helluobs (Librorum) of Books, so he is Helluoh liquidorum, of bottles filled with liquids, quo plus bibuntur, plus sitiuntur aquae, the more he drinks, more dry he is, like the Smith's forge, saith Leonius, (de Morbis lib. 8. cap. 8. sect. 3.) which by an Antiparistasis burns more fiercely by casting water on it, like un●leckt lime: liquids rather inflame him, then cool him, I know no disease more spread over millions of Microcosmes, like a Canker, more domineering, more incapable of cure, than this swelling Gangrene, or a swilling drinking Dropsy, except a Tympany of more than Antichristian, even Luceferian pride in many Sectaries.   

3. Of drunken Barnabee.  
WIth whom to make a short dispatch, and to truss up his humour in a paper halter, because we have dwelled too long upon Helluoh, this Barnabee, ali-ass Maudlin drunk, besides the description that his proper new Ballad makes of him, as drunk all night and dry in the morning, his carch being still one tooth is dry, like one old Chamberlain, called old Twitcher in Yorkshire, who though he had washed many hundred pounds down his throat, protested he was yet dry for all that: but passing by that humour, which hath some coincidence with Helluohs, this our maultified Maudlin is but half drunk and half sober, like a Neuter in Religion, half a Protestant, half a Papist, half light, half darkness, like the twilight, or as a lukewarm Laodicean professor, half hot, half cold, or indeed his true Hieroglyphic is an Archized, Tarltonized Buffoon, half a fool, half a knave, like a mule, half a horse, half an ass, or a Cynocephalist, half a dog, half an ape, or a Mare-maid, half fish half flesh, (Mulier formosa supernè desinens in piscem,) but chief reflecting on Virgil's worse verse, as a Ventriloquist termed his semivirumque bovem, semibovemque virum, half a man in his sober part, half an Ox, a very beast in his acted drunken postures, just (or unjust) as King Philip was on his Tribunal, half asleep, half awake, not as a Lion, the emblem of a Politician, waking when he feigns to sleep, as that Wittol, or allwit, in Rome did to Maecenas: (with his soli Mecoenati dormio) but like a Semidormant, and Semivigilant, betwixt hawk and buzzard, cup and can, a Semi-drunkard, and Semi-soberatus, quoth old Horsley, like a mere mongrill, half a Greyhound, half a Mastiff: yet as in Divinity we say, that God will have all in man or nought, the whole man or no man, without any more will to admit a corrival, than Caesar to shift stakes with Pompey, or Alexander with Darius, or the true mother once to divide the child with the false mother, detesting an Agrippa, that is but half persuaded to be a Christian and no further, like a Cake, half baked, or flesh half boiled, or half broiled, occasioning so much our Irish Fluxes: so in moralty, though I approve what Paul allowed Timothy, and Solomon's Mother the sad hearted, a little wine, as a little rain to refresh the earth, not to bog it with too much, or so many cups from the grape (according to the old distinction) as tend to necessity, and to hilarity, yea to acuity to whetten the wits of a heavy Dutchman, and to heat a cold Beotian brain, yet I dislike a man to be half drunk, maudlin drunk, and but partly sober, as I distaste a man that is but partly honest, and not downright as Cato in Rome, and Photion in Athens, and a woman that is suspected to be too great a dancer with the Roman Sempronia, or too great a comrade, with young Gallants, like Augustus his Livia, and Julia, to be held absolutely honest. But to trouble the bystanders no more with this half-staking Gamester, I touch upon another, who hath oft troubled me.   

4. One drunken Tom Trouble-towne, or Troublesome.  
A Wonderful Linguist, though no Artist; unless that illiberal Ars bibendi, the art of drinking or drowning all arts and good parts like some Beuclarks in drink, as Pearls cast into bogs, be an art, though as needless as for a young Phaeton to help Phoebus in his Chariot, or a candle to help the Sun's light, to as much purpose as for a penfeathered, pride-puft ignorant arrogant Novice to intrude himself to gain souls, or rather silver from an aged, a powerful, painful, and gifted Divine, which were as though some Gusman or Gooseman Junior, should offer to help an old man, though a bold man, and spirited, to get children on his Bride's Matrimonial or Ministerial: This premised, to descant and describe him in his pestilent postures. A blustering blatrant blade he is, who cannot be content to be drunk in silence, (as many a biting usurer, a close adulterer, an envious Snake, a silent Serpent, a covetous Euclio, a churlish Nabal, a plotting Court Haman, a Camp'd Achitophel, are damned in hugger mugger, and go to the Devil their Father without any noise) but his brains once washed, and his tongue oiled with the bleedings of the Barley, the clack of a Water Milne, the striking of the Jacks, the whirling of the wheels in a Clock, the scolding of two Xantippes, the prevarications of two Sophisters in the Schools, the word Tilt of two Lawyers at the Bar, yea, the chatterings of Crows in a wood, when their nests are pulled down, or the removal of a Court or a Camp, are not with more noise and disturbance then drunken blusterings, houting and shoutings of this turbulent Tom Trouble-towne, which are more harsh than the noise of Dragons, the hallow tones of Biturnes, the shrill shrieks of Night-owles, or the loud Hones and Hubbubs of our clamorous Irish: but if these speak him not fully, when he drinks fluently, the shouts which the old wives in Chaucer gave, and Dame Partlet the Hen, when the Fox carried Chanticleer the Cock to the wood, or the vociferations of the Carthaginean wives, when their children were shipped, and carried pledges to Rome, scarce parallel the clamours and Stentor voices, which this obstreperous immorigerous troublesome Tofpot with his nightwalking Nebuloes make, when their throats are deep rammed, and the barrels of their brains full charged with Bacchus his bolts: Oh they roar then as if in so many Pumps, they so deaf the snortings of Bears, the howling of Irish Wolves, and the barkings of all the Towne-Doggs, that it is not possible to steal a nap for them, so long as these Termagants roar; for my poor part, I had rather hear a hundred bullocks of mine own bellow, and a thousand sheep of mine own bleat, then to have my ears taken up by a Commission in the commotion of their black Santos: and however some Zealists have rather delighted in an untuned Welsh Harp, or in a Scotch Bagpite, then in the bellow out of an Alehouse into cathedrals of some white and black-spotted Bulls of Basan, (as they Satirically stigmatised them, and their unedefying Canting to loud Organs,) yet to me nothing comes more harsh than the Reboations of these tumultuous Trouble-townes, excepting to hear or see an ominous Owl or a foolish Moor Cock making a noise in an ill becomed usurped cage, with the extrusion of a more-desired, more-delighting, more-deserving Nightingale, or an ignorant beardless Simplicius with no more learning than a Layman, flirting up as unwarrantably, unworthily, unwelcomely into the Pulpit of such a Divine extruded, as might be his Tutor for gifts and years, to beat into his blockish brains both morality, Divinity, science, conscience, humanity and civility, with all all the blusterings of Sir John Barlicornes clamorous Clients could not so disquiet me, as to so or hear (what I heard at second hand in Ireland) numerous Locusts singing, and Frogs croaking from Po and Tiber in the chambers (as Quondam near Thames) of Catholical Grandees, and collapsed Ladies: yet in conclusion in the greatest feared confusion, I should be distressed, disturbed, and distracted more than by all these, if I should see or hear in this our white Albion (died red by the Pseudodox, as once Jerusalem, Antioch, and Damascus with the blood of the Orthodox) the raging of French and Spanish Bears, the roar of Turkish Lions, the bellow of Romish Bulls, (louder than from five Popes in Queen Elizabeth's days) and the howl of Irish Wolves, called Rebels, in the deadly tones of the Moabites, up and to the spoils of our English Israelites, let us fish our own ends in their muddied yea bloodied waters, we are called in by a powerful, and pestilent particoloured spotted Leopard, called Liberty of Conscience, to plant every Nation and nature with more immunity and impunity then in Poland and Holland, his own braine-bred Religion, though a blasphemous Koran, or Thalumd, or Valentinus his renewed fond Aeones, or the reawakened dreams of Montanus and Priscilla, or the deluding dotages of the Fratricellians, and Begnardines, and filthy Familists and Adamites, which fired Italy and Germany; all these with a Warrantizabimus by the unerring spirit of Revelation without any Scripturian foundation, to be planted by power and possession, to the supplanting of grace, peace, truth, and to the deforming a pretended and projected uneffected Reformation. But lest my porcupined pen pricking the galled hides of guilty hearts, should so far trouble some zeal-drunk Zoilists, more than Drunkards trouble me, as not only to kick me out of a Church, as if innocent Philip from his own pride to be possessed by some Herodian hotspur, but to hurry me into John's prison, or Jeremiabs Dungeon, since procul à Jove, procul à Fulmine, it's good sleeping in a warm skin, lest this troublesome fellow by Law concluding in Ferio, trouble me as I have troubled him; I fly from him tanquam à cane & angue, as from an unwormed dog or snake, and bring on the Stage another, as though butter would not melt in his mouth. And that is   

5. Drunken Agonethetas,  
THe Master of the Revels, called M. controller, who as peert as a Peermonger, and as spruce as a finical Barber, will have either thing (which we scarce do in our devotions) done in his drink in or der, though he cares as little for any solid Doctrine, as Aesop's Cock fora Pearl, or a dog for a holy thing, which he sleights, as the Gaderens did the best Doctor, and as our Gadders now into the Land of Nod, nullify our best Divines: yet he is wonderful punctual, for Discipline is observed more strictly in his Taphouses, then in some Temples, or in the whilom Camps of Caesar, Scipio, Hannibal, Sertorius, Charles the fifth, or the German Otho the 4. for even when he drinks with his comraigns as unmeasurably as any historified. Tricongians and Novengians, or as Alexander at Celanus his Funeral, and when he danceth after full pots, as after full blown pipes, the English Dance (now most in use in Courts, Camps, Countries and Cities) called, Passing measure, and Sellinger's round, or the world upon wheels, yet he will be unmeasurably angry and more hot than a Gravesend Toast, if all things be not done in measure: hence he acts more compliments in drinking then Jesuits and Friars in their studied Cringing and duckings, or then the French, Spanish, or Italian in their Court, all besprinkled with Court-holy water; so long as he can stand, he stands as much upon ceremonies in all houses that are Alehouses, as ever they were stood upon, urged, pressed and prescribed in Bishop Quondams days, ere the altar-case so much altricated, did alter and halter too (quo Jure, I discuss not) in the reign of Sir John Presbyter, opposed by Hugh Sir Peter, and his Petreans: hence in all his punctual postures acted to a hair, he vents all his invented and new minted complemental phrases of Ditantoes, supernaculmus, upsefreeze, pro fas, cup-Waggins bearing up stiff, winding up to the bottom, with his constant care of observing all the Statutes enacted in Bacchus his headless, brainless, staggering and particoloured Senate, as amongst the rest: First, that no blown drink be left, it's loathed as some birds loathe their eggs, if a Serpent do but breath on them. Secondly, healths as they go (like causes oft in Courts) by favour and friends, so they must be pledged personally, not (as some noble men say grace, and have some to venture hell for them) by any Attorneys, Stewards and Deputies. Thirdly, some healths must go (as the globed world and the tottering times go) round, and like current coin pass from man to man, till the motion the potion begin again, from terminus à quo, till it end in the terminus ad quem. Fourthly, though some Auditors and Schoolboyes in Churches care not for more than needs, being so conscionable, that they care not how little they have for money; yet as a just measuring man that will have pennyworths for his penny, he will have the black pot as brim full as he hath the liquids from it brainefull, blatherfull, and bellyful. Fifthly, he will have no drinking to the Tapster, Chamberlain, Drawer, or vulgar Officers, as once Tom Brown to his man. Sixtly, he so observes the Sex Feminine before the Masculine, being honoured in England, women's paradise, more than in India, Turkey, Italy, or any Country their Purgatory, withal knowing that in most Country's Ducks will drink as much as Drakes, and Geese as much as Ganders, he enacts, that a woman must be drunk unto first, before a man, and sometimes first drunk also. Seventhly, he looks that every man pledge what is drunk to him, not looking for any Lord-Dane or Lurdan to be pledge for him. Eighthly, he oft urgeth, that every man shall drink as many cups as there be letters in the name of his absent friend, whose health he drinks, for which he quotes a verse of as much Antiquity or Iniquity, in Marshal, that Naevia sex Cyathis septem justina bibatur, Lide quatuor Ide tribus. Ninethly, every man must keep to his first man, souping of his full Can if he can, herein resembling the Lion whose eye is never off him who darted first at him. Tenthly, he will not have it forgotten to call ever for a shot pot or come again, after the reckoning, as a man of great reckoning in his drink, though of small account, being sober; in such exact punctualities he would turn all drink, as some lately (to their small Laud be it spoken) all Church-Service into Ceremony, all solemn spiritual Worship into Formality, as all Bottle-ale turns into froth, most of Owls flesh into feathers, and Banbury Cheese into parings. But we have had enough of him and his Compliments, we Summon next to the Bar,   

6. Drunken Dick the Gull-Gallant.  
NOt Dick mihi Musa virum, for though this be a true Trojan, and a mad merry Grigg, though no Greek; yet he is not Virgil's Dick, nor Dick of the old house of Lancaster, nor Dick Ecclesiae; old Dick Bancroft of Canterbury in his time the Domine fac totum, that with a perilous pen writ his Theses Periculosae, perilous positions, like Lisamachus Nicanor, and owen's Antipareus, parallelling English and Scottish Puritan (as Pluritans branded them) with State-firing Jesuits; nor is it Dick Dulman who commenced at Daws Cross, and to say no more of him, as if Dunstical Husbands should be enforced upon a relucting Brides, is huft and puffed up into a Pulpit as his Parish cross or curse: nor is it Dick Litchfield the neat Cantibrigian Barber, whom Tom Nash so trimmed in his Epistle against the three Harvies, but it is Dick the Gull-Gallant, the silken sot, who though he have like a black pudding some such excellent blood, mixed with his oatmeal and suet, as a widow wished for, in her matrimony, or matter of money, I mean great means to his generous or noble birth, such Patrimony to his Parentage, as expose him not to the misery of naked honours, with many of our Barons or bare-ones in both Climbs: yet nevertheless he hath so many wide-throated Crows about him to pluck his silver plumes yea to prey on him (and not as on other carrions) before he be dead, that they pluck him as bare as a birds tail, yea as naked as a Crecket, or Baboon, as our Irish Wolves lately shore and tore our English sheep; for as though an Elephant should stoop to catch a mouse, and an Eagle pounce a fly, yea as though Alexander in the Olympic Games, should run or tilt with a Peasant, not with a Prince, this most unworthy Gentleman, who never was candid nor Gentile, hath his wealth possessed, like a coward's sword, by such a dastard and dunstical Master, that playing at small Games ere he sit out, as if a Hawk should keep airy with Buzzards, he consorts himself usually with Cordions and Cobblers, Rakehells and Raveners, Oastlers and Tapsters, Raggamuffin's, and Tatergallians, Tipplers, and Tinkers, and all the Troup of trash allied to the lash: These are delitias Domini, every one of them his vade mecum, his fidus Achates, his alter ego, his Philadelphus, at the least his Lackeys (till he lack) to attend him; yea his very spirits like Brutus his Ghost, which haunt him and follow him as close as his shadow, he can no more shake them off then Doctor Faustus his Mephistopholes: or Cardinal Crescence, and Cornelius Agrippa their Familiars in form of black Dogs: in their deaths they cleave to him like burrs, contrary to other Horseleeches, they will not fall off even when they are full, they wait on him like inferior beasts, called Courtiers and Pensioners to the Regal Lion, to feed upon his leave, or rather upon his live, he feeds these Spaniels which fawn upon him, with good lappings from the tap: then when these Stentors are as full of wine as Organ-pipes, and Bagpipes of wind, they proclaim his worthless worth further than the Birds of Sappho and Hanno let out of their cages, sung the fictitious Deities of their feeders, as loud as those poor men whom the Duke of Savoy feasted, as his Hounds, by which Papistically he hunted heaven, opened loud when he came amongst them, with their God bless the Founder, (and as his Steward, replied the confounders too;) and though these his Water-doggs like the Dogs of Actaeon, devour this their great Master, and as Pharoahs' lean kine eat up this fat one by degrees, yea though these insatiable Gulfs swallow him quick as it were another Codrus, down their wide weasands in some proportion, as then Whale did Ionas; at best, though these Cornvorants and Harpies pray on him, flocking after him like Vultures at the scent and smell of the blood of the grape, so eating into his lands and live by gradations, as worms into the entrails, and Flesh-wolves into the flesh where they were bred and long fed, that at last his best means being spunged, as the best juice out of Oranges and Lemen, in his purse-consumption, he grows as lank as a Greyhound, or a shotten Herring, or as a jaded horse so overriden, that he is run clean out of his girts, like one Gabriel Archer once in the Town of Maulton, or Mault-Towne, that was so guawne by these water rats in his golden mines of 1000 a year, as once Hatto of Mentz, and Popiel of Poland by land-rats in their flesh, that though his Father was Bailiff of Buy-land, he came by such Caterpillars his comraiges, so to be Duke of Sell-land, and at last to be Prince of No-land, that his best Taverns were water-springs, his Host-Duke Humphrey, his Hostess mother Need, his lodging Beggar's Inn, where many a lewd Leutulus, a profane Esau, a profuse Prodigal hath lodged both before him, and since after him: yet nevertheless when my Gull-Gallant is amongst such potti●ing Peasants as claw him like a Tiger, whilst he washeth their mouths, and oils their throats, placed in the midst amongst them, as the Devil sometimes in the shape of a beast amongst Witches and Conjurers, being here the chief figure amongst these Ciphers, the principal verb amongst these Heteroclites, the Cock of the game amongst these Famlerts, even crowing upon these dunghills; but chief the main male Deer and Buck of the first head, with his silver horns amongst these Rascals, where he may be Sir Jack say all, and Sir ohn pay all, being here as Caesar wished, King and Corypheus' over these Molehills, rather than a subject to mountains. Oh! he is in his desired Centre, his Turkish heaven, his Temple, his Elysian fields, his petty Paradise: but if it be his hard hap as he thinks, to stumble into better company, his equals or superiors, oh then he is as melancholy as a Hare or an Owl, as dogged as a Tymen, as saturnal as once Brutus, as silent as a Birding Cat, or a Turkish Mute, as much frighted as frogs with lightning and thunder, he dares no more speak then Roscius once before Gato, he fears as much to open his mouth as a black Bird to chatter, or Cranes to make any noise when the Hawk sores over the one, and Eagles watch the other, as they fly over Caucasus; oh, than he is in his real Purgatory, he had rather be turning the wheel at Rotterdam, yea Ixion's wheese, or fill leaking tubs with Danaus' daughters, or roll Sisyphus his stone, or do any other Herculean task that he could manage, then undergo the penance of conversing with any above his own Sphere, from whom he flies further than Daphne in the Poet, from Apollo, or that young man in the History from John the Divine, loving the company of Thiefs more than his; with his good will he comes no nearer any better than himself, than a Serpent to an Ash-tree, or to Irish ground, or than Spiders to Irish wood in Westminster-hall, where in no case they dare come to spin any catching webs for fat flies, though Doctor Didimus doubts it, and Scepticus doth discuss it, but I am sure he flies from all generous and ingenuous society as Moses from his rod turned serpent, quid piscis in arido, Monachus in Mundo, he wonders what he should do amongst such more than a fish in the Forest, or a Monk out of his Cell amongst seculars: and amongst such he shuts his lips as Graculus inter Musas, unfit he should jangle amongst witty Gentlemen: so he shuts also his purse, and binds it faster than any man a scolding tongue, to such good behaviour, that it lies quiet in his pocket and never stirs: to get a farthing from him, unless amongst his own frothy followers, were to get oil out of a stone, or water out of a flint, or a penny from most Churches now in Troynovant to relieve distressed Hibernians, though roasting us at lingering fires, or if ought be wrung from him, as Neptune's Trident, or Jupitor● Mace out of their fists, for very shame not to be counted a hedger, this is as to wring the blood out of his nose, he parts with it as willingly as with his right eyes, or what is spent this way, he counts it misspent as oil spilt upon the ground; but hoping that though he have fed long on Widgins, Dotterills and Woodcocks, yet by change of diet, and a fresh air removed from the bogs of base baggages up to the hills of holier spirits, and by a little Hellibore to cure his madness, his badness, and many breakfasts of Rew mixed with thrift, he slsalt not hereafter break fast, as he hath begun. Let us reflect more briefly on a spurious base brother of his, his Cousin German a Crow of a rotten egg steeped in wine Lees, or rather a hot spawn of the old Serpent the unclean spirit. And that is   

7. Drunken Laurence, ali-ass Lustyguts.  
WHose indictment to draw as favourably as I can, however when he is himself, and hath on his considering cap, he is as seemingly continent as an Hippolytus, a Scipio, a Zenocrates, as though he fed much on Agnus, Castus, and salads of Lettuce and Rew steeped in drink, viris Venerem minuens, (Mulieribus addens) a great friend to Masculine chastity, and being unmarried, wanting wedlock waters to cool his fires, he improves as a Votary to Minerva and the Muses the ordinary use of exsiccating Tobacco, and is put to his shifts of daily shifted shirts, yea of swimming in ponds and rivers, as S. Francis tumbled himself naked in the nettles, and S. Dominick in the snow, ad restinguendam Venerem, to keep himself chaste by art, though not by nature; yet when he puts off his considering cap, and puts on his barley cap, as he gins to be a friend to Bacchus and Ceres, he shows himself no foe to Venus, (as once her Adonis:) nay then as much as any of her Priap●●ed Friars, or such vestal Nuns her Votaries as filled Gregory's Fishpond with five hundred sculls of dead Infants, or as Pope Joan who by the help of a Cardinal or carnal ●oal'd a fair young Pope in the open street, (as the right Scarlet Whore indeed) lest the Papacy should want heir males of her body unlawfully begotten, or as chaste as that Cardinal in England who declaimed against the marriages of Ministers, when himself was catched in bed with a Concubine that very night: this late Lusty Laurence, that Lancashire Lad, who had 17. bastards in one year, if we believe his Ballad, after his Alemash and pot provender, is a stallion that neighs after every female Filly, every Phillis or Illis, he is in this hot humour, omnium horarum homo, as the Schoolboy or Foole-boy misconstrued it, a man for every whore, a Jack for every Gi●● omnium mulierum vir, as Caesar was called, prostituting his Terentia, Servillia, Po●●humia, and other Mistresses, more than the late French Henry had; in this potting pickle: any flesh fits his overboiling pot, all is fish, or rather flesh that comes to his net, from Madam to mad, he will use puddle waters to quench his fires, rather than none, any dirty pudding serves this hot whelp of Cerberus, he desires to devour more flesh than any Minotaur, he would not spare an Ephigenia if she come in his way, this Cub would lick and worry also lean lambs rather than none, no Jephtas daughter should bewail her Virginity, if she would but bend her string to his bow, for as he waxeth wild with wine, he would seal all his obscame Letters with Virgin's wax, and break up every Bride Pie, ere it be well baked by Hymen, though it breed nought but worms within him, and raw crudities in his drunken thirst, he is such a hotspur, that he would lose every Virgin Zone ere it be truly tied by Hymen, and good Sir John; in this hot pot posture he will promise every maid marriage, and seal his promise if he can with his own Image, though once seducing any daughter of Eve to taste the forbidden fruit, this hot Serpent casts off the poisoned tree, this Spaniel shakes off the water on the shore, when he hath used it to catch his desired Duck, when he hath corrupted the wine, he throws by the cracked barrel, as Politicians throw by all ladders (if not break them, if Court-ladders for Princes) once climbing to their own ends; his desires after women increase with his wine, the fifty daughters of Danaus in one night deflowered by Herculès, nor the one hundred Sarmatian Virgins prostituted by Proculus in one week, nay all the women in the grand Turk's Seraglio would scarce sattisfie the desires of this fleshmonger, this Mutton-worrier: this calf so surfeits on change of pastures, and he is so oft shaved with female Barbers, whose waters are heated with S. Anthony's fire, that vox populi cries, there went the hair away, so far and so fast plucked off by a French P. called if you will a Pincer, that there is not a hair betwixt his head and heaven, but with this he shames so little, not caring one heir for his hairs, that he counts it his (graceless) grace to be near a kin to Rome's Caesar, oft called, as a cooling card to his triumphs, Mechum calvum the bald Lecher, as also to the French Carolus calvus and Baldus the great Civilian. But I leave this Junior Heliogabalus or Sardanapalus, or pale-asse in praesenti tobe more wise in futuro, when the  child hath so oft felt the feared fire, otherwise unless he mend his ways, should I survive him, I would write on him this Epitaph, 
This mad young colt deserves a Martyr's praise,  
For he was burned in Queen Mary's days,  
The fuel to this fire, (oh, who would think it!)  
In his own belly burned when he did drink it.   
But as I have no Genius for a Poet, I would not for a world the world should know it, so I turn my Prose in the next place to a Poet indeed, a doughty Poet in his drink,   

8. Drunken Don Quixo●, ali-ass Wittypoll.  
OF a sudden by the fumes of Bacchus a mushroom Poet, (as a Plebeian Enthusiast in a trice by a Revelation dropped out of the clouds, or like a Pallas (pale-asse) borne out of a fictitious Jupiter's brain, in his own conceit or deceit, is a Mushroom Preacher,) with his est Deus in nobis agitante calescimus illo, Moses and Aaron yield to us our fires, Promethians be our Spirits, heaven inspires, but to send your eyes after this Sir Ferdinando Fash, this Furor Poeticus, however when he is himself mere man, and no more, his Genius is obtuse, and dull and heavy, as a great headed Ox that needs the Goad, or as a Smithfield jade that needs the spur, yet heated with such waters, as are extracted by fires from Limbecks of coldest Simples, he is presently in excelsis, he is hoist up as a squib into the air, with such cracks and flashes as would terrify all the Buzzards that flock about him, and all the Ducks and Ganders that swattle with him in the same puddles or fuddles, Icarus, Dedalus, Simon Magus, our English King Bladed never soared higher by Magical or Artificial wings, than he by the sufflations of grinded and powdered Barley, hotter in his brains to blow up his inventions, than any Salt-Peter to blow up a  into the air, for sympathising with his Predecessors Tom Nash, George Peale, Kit Marlowe, John Green, old Elderton, Churchard (buried with Alecto's torch in the Church-Porch) fantastic Fenner, and the rest of the pottizing Poetising fraternity: he never is so good a Poetaster, as when a pot-taster, when he is as giddy with drink, as a Midsummers' Goose, than he swaggers more valiantly with a Goose-quill, than any Cline●s or Damatas from the Bodkin to the pike upward, than he marcheth thorough any man's guts as it were with Gunpowdertermes, his pen pricks sharper than a Porcupines, his ink is as strong as his drink, it peirceth into a man's brains, in jerking iambics and pricking Satyrs, sharper than the bristles of a Hedge-hogg, it were able to make another Hipponax go hang himself. Oh, how he than ●ents Sesquipedalian words, how his ●e●mes are stronger than Aquafortis that eats into steel, how he speaks lapldes & Fulmina, squibs and fireworks, how his wits sparkle like salt in the fire, he casts them amongst his Comraiges, as one Maples in cambden's Britania said, he was cast amongst Courtiers, as salt amongst fresh Eels, to ma●e them frisk, and dance without a piper: of all Heresies now revived extremo ab orco, as from the lowest held, which ●ow pester the Church, as Locusts from the bottomless pit, as he hates most the Heresy of the Aquarii, or water-drinkers, so he is very glad that it is not set abroach now amongst the rest; he holds this Axiom above any Article in the Nicene or Apostolic 'Greed, that nulla, scribuntur, Carmina aquae potoribus, that as good verses come from Rural Skinkers, as from our Hydro-Poets, water drinkers, and he is verily persuaded that however Tailor row in the water, yet when he shaped his best Poetical shreds, his Muse drunk wine out of the old bottells of the Tower: in brief, lapping out of old Homer's basin, that Vinum Cos. which Homer drunk, though he do not as exactly as Virgil imitate Homer, nor as our Chaucer and Spencer Virgil, yet as Anguitur vini vinosus Homerus, as Homer's raptures smell of wine, so do his Rhapsodies with old Ennius nunquam nisi potus ad arma, he never poetizeth so vigorously, as when he poetizeth with his tippling tools, then secundi & foecundi calices fecere desertum, he quaffs elocution out of full cups pleno cornu, every Can is his Cornucopia, post sumptum vinum loquitur sun lingua Latinum, he with his wine sips wits and words so strong as fill him fluent with his Latin Tongue, his pinta Maior, and pinta Minor, this pot and that pint makes him more fluent than Hector pinta upon Esa: these are to him for words and phrases more than either Couper or Minshaw, or Calepine, or Holyoake or Rider, or Thomas Thomass or any other Dictionaries: if he be to hammer out any wordy work indeed, he never stands musing on the matter, with his Pierides Musae, nor doth invocate his great Pan, a great Can, out of which he steals a hearty draught, elevates his soaring raptures as high as Parnassus, his Helicon is only to Hell-it-on, as we say in Yorkshire, and power in spirited liquor which will cause him pour out spirited lines; but at last leaveing this Junior Randoll; Pupil to Aristippus to read his red Lettuce Lectures, I take a Synopsis with a little more brevity on   

9 Drunken Spermologous.  
A Bird of the same feather, a word-minter, a Coriatized Odcomb, a mere verbal Windy-bags, above any mountbank, Empiric, or Albumazar, a coiner of fustian phrases in Bacchus his forge, in such proud pitied and derided follies, straining to be eloquent, as the fabled Frog swelled to be an Ox, in his Inkcornisme Rombismies; Gallymawfreyes', and Omnigetherums, of English and Latin, and some shreds of French too, and in his Gibberish in Welsh and Cornish, which he would have to go for Greek, mixed also together in such a drunken hotchpotch of affected rope Rhetoric, as makes him as ridiculous as a jangling Jay, or prating Parrot, which talks at random she knows not, nor she cares not what; all his discourse, as too course for any judicious and solid ear, being held only to keep a fitting Symmetry with Sir Simon Simple, and Sir Gregory Nonsense, such companions as most of our zeale-drunk Plebeians take with them up into most of our usurped Pulpits, which they leave as foully polluted with ignorance and arrogance, as Foxes, Fowmarts, Weasells and Poulcats leave ill smells behind them where ever they come: but having enough of this Windybaggs, permitting him to fly with the wings of his wits, fantastically feathered, as an Owl in an evening, I make as bold as welcome, to descant a brother of his,   

10. Drunken Phylautus,  
WHo double drunk with self-conceit, as well as wine, he is no sooner a note above Ela in his maultified mental music, but then especially, he conceits all his Geese to be Swans, his Capon's Cocks, his Goat's Sheep, his Rat's Rabbits, and his Glow-worm's blazing Stars; and that he, and not that whilom fantastic Parsons, nor yet old Oberon is King of the Fairies, or faire-eyes, the great Duke of Utopia, and the grand Signior of all that Land, within the Orb of the Moon, which the Author of the Lunatic Moon-book Mathematically and Supposititiously describes unto us: I must confess, when I observe the strange humours and conceits of his out-weaned worthless self, which the Devil and drink infuseth into this proud drunken fool, and note all the addle idle eggs which Bacchus hath in his brain, I less marvel, that a poor, silly, simple, vulgar, Mechanic Idiot drunk with mere blind and bewitching zeal, and self-conceit of his supposititious and imaginary gifts, should conceit himself to be as legal, as able, as gifted as called a Preacher, as any of the Sons of the Prophets, on whom God hath redoubled, as the spirit of Elias on Elisha, the spirit of preaching, and whom the Church hath called to the Function of a Pastor. But being as much ashamed, that Doctor Carter, Carrier, Currier, Brewer, Dunce, and Dulman, should presume to equalise Doctor Worth, Wisdom, and Discretion, as that Cumanus his Ass should jet it in a Lion's skin, or that any Midas should as an emblame of a sottish Auditor, prefer Pan's harsh poor pipe, before Apollo's melodious Harp: I sound retreat to stand, and observe another strange Bacchanalian,   

11. Drunken Sip-Sobrius.  
A Strange Hermaphrodite, who in one hour changeth from drunk to sober, as a Raven in few days changeth from white to black in her hatching nest, and as a Hare and Hyena are said in one year to change from male to female, and as Camerarius in his Historicalls, Goulart and Wolfius in their Admiranda, instance in many changing Sexes, from men to women, as the witches in Livonia in the months of June and July, are said to change from women into wolves: so this Sip-Sobrius, as though rope-maker-like he went backward and forward, as some men and women with their words and works, he is in a very trice both drunk and sober: what operation the diversified music of Timotheus had to cause Alexander first to put on his Armour to fight as a Lion, then to calm him as mild as a Dove, or to turn him to a sad melancholy, and then by other strains to be jovial, me thinks the same work hath drink in this Camelionized metamorphosed Maltworm, Peernizing him from drunk to sober, sooner than all solid preaching and powerful oratorious perswafions can work upon the intoxicated brains of a mad Plebeian Enthusiast, to turn him from a zeale-drunk selfconceited Teacher, to his own former garb of a sober Tradesman, which being almost as impossible as to conjure down a Devil into hell, his old Centre, or to gather the dispersed winds into Aeolus his bag again: I leave him, and being bold to strain courtesy with the Clergy as well as the Laity, I make up my Brown Dozen with   

12. Drunken Clericus, or Simplicius.  
THe Country Vicar, who to his meat must have liquor, as well as others, even as oft as a Leman to his fauce, as Mr. Howard told Queen Mary when she took away wines from the Clergy, yea though many call him Sir john Lackwit Latin, yet with his good will this Senior Immerito, will not lack liquids; in which humour, pace tanti viri, I have oft seen I must confess, even learned Latinizing Beuclark himself, and sometimes Ingenioso, a Master of Arts, as well as Tripes the prevaricating Sophister, or Aristippized Randoll, or junior, and Senior vix Sanior Bachalaurius, Baculo, non Lauro dignus, with many fellows as right good fellows in Colleges, as Noah was a good Lawyer, Butler a good Physician, and Paracelsus a good Chemist: and although that Carp-fish that Aristarchus or stark-ass, that Tymonist, that Misanthropist, yea that dogged Cynic, if not formal Pharisee, that Samet more precise than wise brainsick Zealist, who will not only frisk away from the best gifted Preacher, as a young Heifer with a tick on her tail, out of a fresh pasture, leaping over hedges, or as a wild Deer or Rascal trips over the mountains at chop of a Beagle, but will shoot his fool's bolts at him, that he is a friend to Publicans or Sinners, if he see him but (semel in anno ridens Apolle) raro aut nunquam, now and then in an Inn or Tavern, though perhaps upon as lawful an occasion as the Spies had who lodged in Rahabs' Inn in Jericho, or as Josoph had when he took up his lodging in Bethlem: I say such a critical or hypocritical censor, had need to have either his brains took out and washed with salt and sage, or his inwards purged from the overflowings of gall and swell of the spleen: yet nevertheless as I would have all of Levies Tribe to steer from the rocks of the least offence, because a little mote is seen in their eyes, a little mire on their coat, and that which is drunkenness (saith a Father) in others, is sacrilege in them; so for my part, sepe bilem, vestri movere tumultus, it oft stirs up my passion, as well as compassion, to see so many excellent good parts, pains, graces, and wits not only washed, but as once Noah's for a time drowned in drink, at least soiled as Pearls in a quagmire; as they tax the fins of others, so the observing vulgars' taxing some of them, not for legal using, but too much abusing both Bacchus Tobacco, and all strong liquids in their quiffs and their quasss, that they oft drink till there be no wine in their pots, wits in their pates, nor wealth in their purses, in most Climes, some eclipsing and clonding all the best of their shining gifts by the interposition of a lunatic watery Planet, many more commonly then commendably taking their liquors till their liquors take them, as the Lobster catched the Cat, when the Cat thought to catch the Lobster, and as the Wasp catched the Welshman by the nose, when her thought to each the Wasp by the laps of her yellow Jerkin: carousing as freely all sorts of strong liquids, whether Derby Ale, or Nantwich Whisking, or Bristol Beer, or Glocestershire Sydar, or Worcestershire Perry, or Welsh Meath and Metheglin, or French Claret, or German Rhenish, or sweet Muscadine, and Malmsie, or Spanish Sack well mixed with sugar, as zeal with discretion, all quaffed as freely as the Turks their Cossa, the Grecians their Falern, and Vinum Cos, the Irish their Aqua vitae, and Vsque bangh, or the jesuites in Paris their vinum Sorbonicum & Jesuiticum; I resolve to tell you the truth, (as giving you thirteen to the Dozen) to Anatomize   

13. Drunken Tom Tell-troath.  
TO give you the full or fool of him, he is one that either never read or never understood nor regarded Alberius magnus, that great All-beard, nor Wickerus, nor Baptista Porta, nor Levinus Lemnius de secretis, nor Cardan de occultis, nor any writings of hid things and secrets, which he no more heeds nor observes to keep, than most in this false and sickle age, heed or keep faith, truth, honesty, justice, credit or conscience, which most of them are fled to heaven to complain of their want of entertainment upon earth. Of all others he is unfit to be a Secretary as a woman, who for the most part writes Roman hand, few of that sex Secretary; eversince Fulvia bewrayed the secrets of Catiline, Martia of Comodus, Dalilah of Samson, or Fabia of her husband Fabius, concerning that which Augustus revealed to him of adopting Tiberius to be his successor in the Empire, what ever he knows must out at one hole or other: were I a King, and he as familiar with me, as Schoogan with the French King, I would make him of my privy, rather than of my counsel, lest he kept it no better than a sieve or a riddle keeps water: what I would have known or divugled, I would tell him, he would vent it sooner in his cups, then if I told it in a Barber's shop, a Milne, a Market, a Schoole-house, amongst boys, a Bakehouse amongst wenches, or at a Gooseups feast, only commending one good thing in him, (as once one just act in Cambyses) I leave him, and that is, that he never lets any secrets rot in his mouth, (as a Roman once Apologized) to cause him to have a stinking breath. But lest we hunt him and his fellows out of breath, for their being foxed like Foxes till they stink again, giving them a breathing time to repent, and to weep, if it be but drunken tears in their Dog-sick vomits, we reprieve them till the next Sessions, where more of their fellows, God willing, shall be arraigned with them at Bacchus his Bar: and as we find some dozen and a half more of them guilty, after whipping and stripping, they shall have a shipping into Drunkallia, or the Isle of Gulls, for their too bold and base abusing of Sir John Barley corn, and M. Malt his bearded son, and M. Barleybroth, his brainless daughter, as in a manner unworthy, till they mend their manners, to stay or stagger any longer in the Isle of Man.   
FINIS.