VERSATILE INGENIUM, The Witty COMPANION, Or Jests of all Sorts. From City and Country, Court and University. With an account of the Life of the laughing Philosopher DEMOCRITUS of ABDERA. By DEMOCRITUS Junior.  
— De Sapientibus alter  
Ridebat, quotiès à limine moverat unum  
Protuler atque pedem.  Juv. Sat. 
Utere Convivis non tristibus, utere amicis,  
Quos nugae & risus & joca salsa juvant.  Scholar Salern. de conserv. valetud. 
AMSTERDAM, Printed by Stephen Swart, at the crowned Bible, near the Exchange. ANNO 1679.   

On The Collection of Jests, entitled, The Witty Companion, or Jests of all sorts,  

Two Rustics Talking.  
I Tell thee Bob, where I have been,  
Where I the rarest Jests have zeen,  
o Jests without compare;  
Such Jests again cannot be shown  
In Oxford, no, nor Cambridg town  
They be so very rare:  
I yesterday did go to buy▪  
A Book (thou knowst for thee and I)  
Of something that was pretty,  
And when Poor Robin's Jests I saw,  
Me thoughts th'were old and lean and raw,  
Not like his Almanacs witty.  
I than did ask for ALL SORTS OF JESTS,  
Which Bob thou knowst come from the breasts  
Of MANY that are witty:  
The Man to me did then confess,  
They were not yet come out o'th' Press;  
Quoth I, the more's the pity:  
At last he showed the very copy  
Of that i'th' press: I am a very puppy,  
Bob, if e'er the like was zeen,  
Before I half a score had read,  
With laughing (if it may be zed)  
I'd like to have broke my spleen.  
I than did 'point to read'em o'er,  
Such Jests I never heard before,  
'Fore George 'tis true our Bob:  
And e'er that I had read 'em half,  
I found I was so great with laugh,  
I thought my zides would squobb:  
Then hay for this Book now I zay,  
Evaith I long to see the day  
That it shall printed be,  
Then thee and I will each buy one  
For our two Sweethearts, Nell, and Joan,  
For Mirth and Melody.    

The Bookseller to the Intelligent Reader.  
WEre there books written of the smallest matters, there would be hardly any use of experience; says a great Person: for as reading is a converse with the wise, so action for the most part is a commerce with fools; there being in human nature generally more of the fool than of the wise, upon which account those qualities or endowments which take the weaker part of men's minds are observed to prevale infinitely, if practised seasonably: such Books therefore are to be esteemed not as altogether unprofitable that do awaken our reason, subtilise our wits, and marshal our conceptions of things: a witty conceit being oftentimes a good convoy of truth, which otherwise could not so handsomely be ferried over: and amidst affairs transacted in the world, it is a matter more politic than one would think smoothly to pass from Jest to Earnest, and from Earnest to Jest: yet let me advertise you by the by, that certain things there are which ought to be privileged from Jests; namely, Religion, Matters of State, great persons any man's present business of importance, and any case that deserveth pity: though the present collection being indeed as a Speculum Microcosmi, kind of prospect into the manners, humours and dispositions of men in general, may well be excused if in some few places it does not in every point so exactly quadrate to the intentions specified; it may suffice that we here see what heretofore have been the subjects of human wit, and that we now know for the future what ought not to be, Fare well then  

— Rest you merry, don't slight us,  
Not one page is here for Heraclitus,  
Be not so grave as Cato was to come  
To a public mirth, and so quit the room,  
Quit rather your turbid cares once with us  
Consult the writing of Democritus;  
These pages perused we can't but agree,   
RATIONALE is RISIBILE.   

A brief Memorial of the life of Democritus the Philosopher, from the writings of Hypocrates, Laërtius, and others.  
DEmocritus the famous Philosopher of Abdèra, was instructed first by the Magis and Chaldeans; afterwards became the Disciple of Anaxagoras: the estate left to him and his two brethren being divided, his part came to an hundred talents; this portion encouraged him to trrvel to Aethiopia, to Egypt, and some say to the Indies; cercertain it is great knowledge he attained to in Philosophy both Natural and Moral; great experience he had in the Mathematics, and all the liberal Sciences, being thus accomplished he grew at last so far in love with himself, that his solitude became his most real pleasure, all the various affairs of the general part of mankind being to his Philosophic mind nothing more than a diversion from serious thoughts, a wild farce and ridiculous Scene of things, he conld never consider the many little concerns of the multitude, or once look into the Labyrinth of the busy world, but he presently broke into a laughter to see 
How busily about the streets men run,  
Some to un-do, and some to be undone.   
But it seems this same self-pleasing humour carried him at last too far, so that the citizens of Abdèa for some time knew not well what to think of him, and at last concluded him absolutely mad; they much lamented his condition exceeding loath they were that a person of so great worth should so miscarry and be quite lost amongst them; they met together, and the result of their consult was to send for Hypocrates, the greatest Physician the world than had (or perhaps may ever have) to undertake his recovery. The Physician came, and the people flocked about him, entreating him to use the uttermost of his art: He visited the patient, whom he found in his garden, all alone under a Plane tree, without either stockings or shoose, with books before him intent at his study, having dissected several sorts of creatures which lay before him: Sir, said Hypocrates, I am glad to see you so well employed, I pray to what end are all these dissections? of late, answered he, I have been very curious to find out the true causes of Madness and Melancholy, and on this account it is that you see so many different Anatomies lie before me; Happy man, said Hypocrates, who can take to himself so much leisure thus to contemplate the works of God and Nature: and are not you too that happy man who can assume to yourself so much leisure when you please, replied Democritus? I wish indeed I were, said he; but how many concerns at home, how many affairs abroad of a quite different nature am I to look into and dispatch for myself and others? this neighbour or that friend, a necessary, or a complimental visit, the health of this or the diseases of that, a wedding on the one hand, or a funeral on the other, wife, children, servants, such things as these take up the greatest portions of my time: at the hearing of this Democritus so profusely laughed, that Hypocrates startled at it, and asked him the reason of it: can any man, says he, of reason forbear laughing at the contradictory vanities and absurd humours of men? how empty are they of wit and virtue, and what a bustle and stir do they make for gold? what end is there of their ambition? what infinite pains for a short pageantry, a little glory, to acquire wealth or honour, though their lives are paid down in the purchase! some fancy an empire over dogs, and some over horses, some are for governing their wives, if they can, and some for ruleing provinces. How many have even doted on their new brides, and yet ere long have forsaken them or wished them dead; and how many parents have given up their children to the world's mercy, and yet by all means imaginable they must endeavour after wealth, though when 'tis obtained 'tis not enjoyed, but either hoarded up or viciously spent, perverting that to the destruction of body and torment of mind which is designed to sustain in the one & solace the other: what truth, what Justice is to be found amongst them? one pleads this and the other pleads that, they are going thurrow the world, and all the way they pass they pull and hale and quarrel for that which they are leaving; and what is most of all to be laughed at is that those that are nearest their journey's end are the most solicitous and greedy of all, so earnestly grasping at what they cannot retain, with one foot in the grave laying a dead hold on that of which they can have no possession after death. When after this manner he had represented the ridiculous contrarieties that are every where to be found in the world, his Physician percieved that he had not to do with a sick man; all his discourse proveing so sound and rational; Divine Democritus, said he, surely all the world is mad but thee, and having took his leave of him, he declared to those that had committed Democritus to his care, that though the Philosopher appeared indeed somewhat negligent as to his attire and diet, yet that the world had not a more judicious, learned, or more generous spirited man than he, and that for the future any one's fancy to the contrary should be to him one certain sign of that persons not being in his right wits who conceive so. The fame of Democritus his learning afterwards grew very much in the world; his predictions of future things were wonderful; and particularly his skill in Physiognomy rendered Hypocrates himself an admirer of him; amidst many one famous instance upon this account we may well take notice of; 'twas this; A Maid came to him one day, and he called her Virgin, she came to him the next day immediately after, and he called her woman, and told her that he percieved she had lost her Maidenhead since she had been last with him. He was honoured with great presents and very magnificent statues: he protracted his death three days by smelling too hot breed; died near the 80th Olympiad, having lived an 109 years; and had a very sumptuous funeral at the public charge of the citizens.  
H. C.   


The WITTY COMPANION.  

Democritus Junior, in conference with four Philosophy wits, resolving the Question, who are the most ingenious of the world?  
BY Ingenious, I concieve, are meant inventive, subtle, or acute persons, so that he that understands, discourses, and exercises the functions of the soul more subtly than an other is styled ingenious, thus Apelles, when otherwise unknown, was discovered by a third line, which he drew upon two others, so small, that none but he could have drawn it: And in a dispute he that best distinguishes a term confounded by the Antagonist, passeth for the most subtle and ingenious; So likewise does any Artificer, that makes the most subtle and curious pieces of work, as Mark Scaliot, a blacksmith of London, made a pad-lock of iron, steel, and bras of eleven several pieces, with a key, all clean wrought, which weighed but one grain of gold, (which is but one wheat corn) he made too a chain of gold of forty three links, to which chain the lock and key being fastened, and put about a fleas neck, the flea drew it all with ease; and lock, key, chain, and flay altogether weighed but one grain and an half. Jo. Tredeskins Ark, in Lambeth, shows many instances of this nature: Non minori miraculo in parvis ludit natura quam in magnis, says Cardan, and we may justly say, that art as well as nature is never more wonderful, than in the smallest pieces; for as they that can perceive the least objects, are most clear sighted, so minds not contented to be taken up with vulgar thoughts, or to concieve common and gross things, are to be reputed the most ingenious; and upon this account the choleric complexion and southern people, whose climate produces that humour most, are to be esteemed the greatest wits.   

To which 't was answered.  
That if ingenuity consisted only in subtlety, there would be none in making a Colossus, in erecting glorious palaces, and contriveing the most magnificent structures of the world, wherein surely there is far more than in little trinkets, which become useless by being too fine: and as he, that distinguishes pertinently in a dispute, is reputed ingenious, so is he no less, who entangles the Respondent by confounding things which ought to be separated; and likewise in the practice of affairs, things too subtle pass for Chimaeras, and are never put in execution; nor is he to be accounted the best limner, that draws always only the finest strokes: Much less probable is it, that the Choleric are more ingenious than the Melancholic, since reflection is ever necessary to the making of a solid conclusion, which the impatiency of choler permits not; and indeed never was there a man of great parts who was not thoughtful, sedate, and contemplative. And accordingly, northern people being more cold and reserved, will, for a lasting ingenuity, carry it above other nations.  
An other said, that, considering nations, he conceived that as not only the plants, but also the pearls and jewels of the east, are more excellent and purer than those of other parts of the world, so also thejr wits: the reason whereof is, that the sun coming from the east bestows the first fruits of his own and other celestial influences upon the orientals; which influences, like the impression of perfumes, are most vigorous in their beginnings; and indeed here were the first lawgivers and sages of the world. As for temperaments the sanguine have the advantage; because 'tis the most healthful complexion, and health is the principal condition of a good wit, which cannot so well exert itself in a sick body. Secondly, blood is the proximate matter of spirits, and he that hath good blood must have plenty of spirits; and then likewise this is the complexion of the Amorous, who have been ever esteemed ingenious, whence that of the Poet, Quis fallere possit amantem? But if the question be, what exercise or employment hath the most ingenious people, 'tis harder to be determined; so great wits being found at this day of all sorts of professions, that 'tis difficult to judge of which there are most; Some prefer Scholastic divines for their nice disputes, looking upon it as admirable how mysterious their Philosophy is, rendering it intricate by explications, and difficult by the aperture and dissolution of distinctions. Others the rational Physicians, for their discourses and conjectures upon the causes of hidden diseases; Others the Mathematicians, for their curious searches into heaven itself; or the Lawyers, who manage their affairs so advantageously above others to their own interest.  
The third said, that absolutely speaking there is no quarrer of the world more oriental or occidental than an other; these words having been invented only in respect to men themselves, (to some of whom one and the same people is oriental, and yet occidental to others) since the world is round, and all the parts of a sphere are of the same nature. What differences there are, must be taken from something else than the four parts of the world; more particularly from cold and heat: thus they that live under the Poles are of a different complexion both of body and mind from those that are between the Tropics, and according to this difference the inhabitants of the temperate zones must be most ingenious. Cold being too much an enemy to life, to advance wit; and excessive heat burns the humours no less both within and without, as the wooly hair, and black skin of the nations exposed to it manifest. So that 'tis no presumption in nations of a temperate climate, to award the pre-eminence to themselves in this matter; operations of the mind as well as the digestions and other operations of the body, requireing a temperate, not an excessive heat.  
The fourth spoke his sentiments thus: Since there are good and bad, ingenious and fools in all lands, to be the one or the other, depends not on the climate; heaven, from whence the soul descends, being a like in all places; nor is it likely that professions render men more or less ingenious, since those to which people are lead by natural inclination, are rather effects than causes of good or bad parts; as for those to which we are persuaded or forced, nothing can be inferred from them, having no affinity with our nature; lastly, nor doth temper always contribute to render men ingenious, since there are some so of all tempers, ages and sexes. The true cause is the proportion which happens to be between the soul and the body at the first conformation; whence the surest signs, natural, of good or bad parts are taken from the figure of the body, chiefly of the head, which if sharp never makes a wise man, as on the contrary, large heads and broad foreheads are good indications of ingenuity, in whomsoever, of what ever country, vocation and temper they may be. But yet, said Democritus, I cannot but hold the lawyers in their way, to be the most ingenious of the world, for that generally received truth, which says, that what ever hath a beginning, hath also an end, is confuted by them, since they render suits immortal; and instead of the four causes taught by naturalists, they create others without numbet; and in spite of the maxim which says there is no Vacuum, they make one, at lencth, in the purses of their cliens.  
Two persons being together in the field about to leap over a ditch, hold says one, look before you leap, I was just a saying so, says the other, why then good wits jump, says he, and so away they leapt.  
Demosthenes, with all his oratory and reason could not keep the people from mutinying, even while he was speaking; at last he bethought himself to divert them with a strange story, and 'twas this: There was a man that hired an ass, to carry him a journey, and the owner of the ass was to attend him on foot by, it so fell out that before the journey was half finished, the sun shined so excessively hot, that it grew so intolerable to the rider, that he was glad to quit the ass' back, and betake him to her shadow: upon this the owner of the ass withstood him, telling him that he must ride on, alleging that though he had hired the body of the ass, he had not hired the shadow, that was not in the bargain, but the owners still, much bustle there was between them, till at last the contention grew even as hot as the sun itself. This diversion prevaled more than all his eloquence beside, and appeased their anger when his whole oration could not.  
A female Citizen sufficiently ignorant in country affairs being told, that malt did not grow, asked how it came? answer was made, that the good women in the country spined it, upon my word, said she, I thought so, for one may see the very threads hang out at the end of it.  
There was so great a Sedition at Rome, that the common people all left the city, retireing from it with a resolution vot to return, unless the Senate and the rich citizens would take off the taxes, and impositions, by which the meaner thought themselves very much oppressed: Menenius Agrippa, an eloquent man was sent to them, who with the following Apologue or Fable prevaled more than by all other ways of persuasion whatsoever. Upon a time there arose, said he, great strife and sedition amongst the other members of the body against the belly: the eyes, ears, hands, feet and tongue, all said, they, each of them, performed their several offices to the body: but the belly alone doing nothing at all, as a king enjoyed their labours, and consumed upon itself all those things, which were purchased with their sweat and industry. The Belly could not but confess these things were true, and if it pleased them for the time to come they should allow it nothing. The Members decreed it among themselves, that nothing should be given to the belly: when this had been for a little time, the hands and feet lost their strength, and all the other members became dull, sick, and immovable: so that at last they percieved that the food allowed to the belly, was of as equal advantage to all the rest of the members, as to itself, and so returned to their former obedience: And so did the people of Rome too, being hereby sufficiently sensible, that what was reposed in their Magistrates hands, did at last tend to the interest of the common-weal.  
The Goldsmiths of London had a custom once a year to weigh gold in the star-chamber, in the presence of the privy council, and the King's Attorney general; this solemn weighing by a word of art they called the Pixe, and made use of so exact scales there in, that the master of the company affirmed, that they would turn with the two hundereth part of a grain, I should be loath, said Attorney Noy, that all my actions should be weighed in those scales.  
The King of France being at Calais sent over an Ambassador, a very tall person, upon no other errand, but a compliment to the King of England, at his audience he appeared in such a light garb, that afterwards the king asked lord keeper Bacon, what he thought of the French Ambassador, he answered, that he was a very proper man; I, his Majesty replied, but what think you of his head-piece, is he a proper man for the office of an Ambassador, Sir, returned he, it appears too often, that tall men are like high houses of four or five stories, wherein commonly the uppermost room is worst furnished.  
A famous Chemist with his associates had long attended upon his art, but could find no hope of profit; upon which they had recourss to the devil, and enquired of him if they rightly proceeded, and whether they should attain their desired end, the devil returns his answer in this one word, travaillez, which is labour, this word so encouraged them, that they went on, and blowed the bellows at that rate, that they transmuted all they had in to nothing; so at last, thc chief chemist told them that the word labour signified that they should lay aside Alchemy, and betake themselves to some honest art of employment, and that it appeared the part of men purely mazed and mad to fancy the making of gold in such a small space of time, since nature itself is wont to spend more than a thousand years about it.  
In time of war a certain Prince, being very vigilant, would, on horssback, himself go the rounds one night: upon a sudden a soldier met him, who being fuddled, immediately laid hold on the bridle of his horse, and asked the price of him, for at present, he said, he wanted an horse: the Prince percieving in what condition he was in, caused him to be taken into an house, and put to bed: in the morning the Prince sent for him, and asked him what he would give for his horse; Sir, said the recovered soldier, the merchant that would have bought him yester night, went away betimes this morning.  
A young Gentleman lay sick of a favour, his physician came to visit him, and met at his lodging a beautiful lady, (suspected by him) going away as he entered; he sat down by him, and feeling his pulls, Sir, said the Patient, my favour has newly left me, I find it so Sir, said he▪ and I suppose I met it going out, at the door, just as I came in.  
One asked a noble Sea-captain, why, having means sufficient to live upon the land, he would yet endanger his person upon the ocean? he told him that he had a natural inclination to it, and therefore nothing could divert him: I pray, said the other, where did your father die? at sea, said the captain; and where your grandfather? at sea too, said he, why then, said the other, are not you afraid to go to sea? before I answer you, said the Captain, I pray tell me where died your father? my father, said he, died in his bed: and where your grandfather? in his bed too, said he: and are not you then, said the Captain, afraid to go to bed?  
A Soldier in Ireland having got his passport to go for England, as he went through a wood with a knapsack on his back, being weary; he sat down and fell to some victuals, upon a sudden he was surprised with two or three wolves, who coming towards him, he threw them scraps of bread and cheess so long till all was done; then the wolves coming nearer to him, he knew not what shift to make; he took a pair of bagpipes, which he had with him; and so soon as he began to play, away ran the wolves, as if they had been scared out of their wits: a pox take you all, said he, if I had known that you had loved music so well, you should have had it before dinner.  
I have read of a Physician of Milan, who cured mad men, and to that end had a pit of water in his house, in which he kept his Patients some up to the knees, some to the girdle, some to the chin, pro moda insaniae, as they were more or less affected; one of them, that was well recovered, stood by chance at the door, and seeing a Gallant riding with an hawk on his fist, well mounted with his spaniels after him, would needs know to what use all this preparation served? he made answer to kill certain fowl: the patient demanded again what his fowl might be worth, which he killed in a year? he replied five or ten crowns; with that the patient with great earnestness bid him begun immediately, as he loved his life: for, said he, if our master take thee here, he will set thee in the pit up to the very chin.  
I can see your pride through your threadbare torn coat, said Antisthenes to Socrates.  
A Person speaking of the nice distinctions of the schools, and the wonderful subtleties of some in searching into the most mysterious truths, said that all their curious inquiries proved at last like the contentions of Protegenes and Apelles, who should draw the smallest line; who after two or three essaiss left this monument of their art, that they had drawn lines so curious, that they were scarcely to be discerned.  
A Servitor carrying up a dish of tongues into a college hall, just as he came to the table his foot slipped, down fell dish, tongues, and mustard: one much more concerned than the others at the table, called him blunder-buss, and asked him whether he wanted eyes: Sir, I beg your pardon, said the servitor, any one might have had the like mischance, you may be sure I did it not willingly, lapsus linguae non est error mentis.  
A very clownish Fellow being met in a very gaudy suit, one said of him that he looked like a wooden spoon in a sack posset.  
A Lady, who had never been at sea, said, surely sailors must be a very devout sort of people, being always so near danger, yes, said one, that was more used to their society, their devotions rise and fall with the waves.  
That was an unlucky Seaman, that in a storm endeavoured to secure nothiug but the brandie-bottle, and the first thing he offered to throw over board was his wife, alleging, he knew no heavier burden than she, nor any thing that made him so light as the bottle he secured.  
There was a discourss at a college table, concerning the Marriage of Priests; a Doctor, who had a face sufficiently red, was pleased to maintain only for discourss-sake, that Priests-marriage was not so allowable as some might think it; at last it came to this, that he who argued on the contrary said that those words of St. Paul were sufficiently plain, and therefore impossible rationally to be contradicted, namely that 'tis better to marry than to burn; but how shall a man know when one burns? said the Doctor; I'll tell you, said one, (who had been silent all the while) by his face.  
A young Gentleman the next day after marriage of a Lady sufficiently handsome, being visited by a friend, who congratulated his happiness; he said, he thought himself indeed an happy man, and if he were un-married, he should not think any courtship too much for the obtaining of such a match, though, said he, 
The thing for which we woe  
Is not worth so much a do.   
Suppose, says one to a modest Gentlewoman, you and I were in a room naked together, which part would you cover first? your eyes, Sir, said she.  
Sir Thomas More (A. 1480.) was born in Milkstreer at London, the brightest Star, says an Historian, that ever shined in that viá lacteâ, when he was Chancellor (in the reign of King Henry the eighth) he called for trial of the next suit, 'twas answered that there was none depending, all suits in that court being then determined, whereupon one made the ensueing rhimes:  

When More some years had Chancellor been.  
No More suits did remain,  
The like shall never More be seen,  
Till More be there again.   
A country Tenant invited his Landlord from the city to his house to dinner, the provision was a leg of mutton boilled, with turnips; his wife for the better entertaining of so great a guest, had thinly besprinkled the leg of mutton with nutmeg and sugar; what have you done here, said her Landlord, o dear Sir, I pray excuse me, I did it so in haste, but the box is not far off, so she took an handful brown sugar more, and strewed on it, saying, indeed Landlord I cannot make it too good for you.  
A reverend Person, notwithstanding the gravity of his years, and the dignity of his place, was ever addicted to rally, scoff and jeer at all things and persons promiscuously, spending his jests and droles upon persons though of never so great integrity; when this witty man, whose christian name was Jasper, died, one said of him: 
Quoth Jasper to Peter let in my soul:  
Quoth Peter to Jasper you do but drole.   
A young Lad had a mind to know what fortune he should have in the world, the ginger told him that he should get his living by bawds, whores, bastards, thieus, and quarrellers; this for the present seemed very strange to him; vet more than 20 years afterwards, being settled in a convenient place, he was made a Justice of peace, and then was known to live very worshipfully upon no small fees racked out of such delinquens.  
A worthy Person of a noble and ancient but much degenerated family, being to sit for his picture, told the limner that he should draw him in a masons habit, with a trowel in his hand, and this motto underwritten: 
Add reaedificandam antiquam Domum.  
Repairing a decayed House.   
A witty Gentleman, more than ordinarily curious concerning his health, desired to know the particular seasons of eating and drinking, whether 'tis better to eat and drink most at evening or most at noon; and the like; was to put a stop to his present curiosity, & to dispatch all such kind of nice inquiries for the future, briefly answered by his Physician thus; when ever hunger begs, I suppose Sir, you'll be charitable and feed her; and when ever thirst puts a dry jest on you, I hope you'll answer her as some of you Inns of Court-gentlemen do scholars, by drinking to her.  
Alexander the Great desired to know who were more in number the living or the dead? answer was returned, the living, with this reason, quia mortui non sunt,  
One sent for a Physician, and told him that he was very much afflicted with a Tertian ague; in what manner does it take you, said he, o Sir, said the Patient, I am so troubled with it, it takes me every day.  
A Lady told an old Bachelor, that looked very brisk and young, that she thought he had eaten a snake he looked so young, no, said he, 'tis because I never meddled with any snakes that makes me look so.  
Lucullus a General of a great army, being surprised by his enemies, and that on an ominous, unlucky day, as all the soldiers called it, and were much dis-spirited thereby; he made a short speech to them▪ concluding thus: Now, my friends, 'tis left only to the valour and magnanimity you are maffers of, to verify the happy dream I lately had, that we are the men designed to change a black day into a white; he led them on, they fought accordingly, and the success was answerable.  
A poor Woman, a natural fool, used ever now and then to come to a conduit in the city where she dwelled▪ and upon the ridge of it would put a looking-glass, and there hold a discourss with her picture; she afforded huge civilities to this her neighbour, as she called her; with whom she would sometimes consult very seriously, sometimes be exceeding merry; at last upon being somewhat more finely dressed as she fancied, than she used to be; in a very great fury she broke the glass all to pieces against the conduit, and being asked why she did so, she said, her neighbour would never go away first, nor give her the upper hand.  
An ingenious Person, in dispute at a public act at Oxford, being put hard to it, that he might not appear quite baffled, invented a distinction that was never heard of before, sumitur, s●id he, vel simpliciter vel catapodialiter: the Opponent desired him to tell him what he meant by catapodialiter, to which he returned, that he stood not there to explain terms, and so the Opponent immediately passed to an other question.  
A neat but empty Lawyer, homo in causis agendis bene veslitus, ever well adorned without though not so within; had the name of necessity fixed upon him: one hearing it said that was not his right name, to which 'twas returned by the other, if it is not, it ought to be, for I am sure he has no law.  
Mahomet made the people believe that he would call an hill to him, and from the top of it offer up his prayers for the observers of his law: the people assembled, Mahomet called the hill to come to him again and again; and when the hill stood still, he was never a while amazed, but said, if the hill will not come to Mahomet, Mahomet will go to the hill.  
One pleasantly said, that an honest man in these days must needs be more honest than in ages heretofore, propter antiperistasin: becauss his honesty being enclosed amidst contraries, must needs be stronger and more compact in itself. (Antiperistasis is a repulsion on ever part, whereby heat or cold becomes stronger from being restrained by its contrary▪)  
Philip of Macedon persuaded the greek Ambassadors, that they should invite their cities to concord; in the mean while one concerned in the affair could not but laugh at him for his council; is it not ridiculous, said he, for him to set himself up a Mediator of peace among the greek Republics, who is always wrangling at home with his wife Olympias.  
Aesop has a fable concerning the Fox and the Cat, wherein the Fox brags what a number of shifts he has to get from the hounds; whereas the Cat says, he knows but one; which in proof is better worth than all the rest; so that hence came the proverb: 
Multa novit vulpes, sed felis unum magnum.  
Reynard the hounds to scape had shifts not small.  
Grimalkin only one as good as all,   
What mother Euripides; what father Demosthenes had was not known in their time; but that the one's mother sold potherbs, and the others father sold knives, all scholars talk of: now, what can be more gallant than the tragedy of the one, and the orations of the other?  
Ancaeus, King of the Island Samos, delighting much in husbandry, once exceedingly tired his servants who laboured in planting a vine-yard, in so much that one of them said his master would never taste of the wine of that vine-yard: but when vintage was come, and the grapes pressed, the King called for a cup of the wine, and holding it in his hand, commanded that he that had so prophesied should come before him, now, says the King, I shall prove you a falss prophet, o Sir, answered he, you know not that; many things happen between the cup and the lip; and as he was thus speaking one brings word that a wild boar was broke into the vine-yard, the King in haste threw the cup away, immediately going to the vine-yard, where adventuring too far in the defence of it, was there killed by the boar: which gave occasion to the proverb: 
Multa cadunt, etc.  
Many things befall between the cup and the lip.   
Certainly Oaths are ties of so sacred a nature that they ought not to be violated, when they have been once freely taken, upon any excuse or pretence what soever; nor can an oath be nulled by any pretty evasion of wit, or by covering our meaning with equivocal or a double sense: admirable therefore was the Justice of the Athenian Senate, which condemned a debtor in a double fine, because he would have defrauded his creditor by a cunning oath; after this manner; the money which he had borrowed, he privately conveyed into an hollow walking staff, which, when he was called to the altar to make oath before the Gods, he put into his creditor's hand, desiring him to hold it a little; which when he did, he thought he might safely swore, that he had delivered him the money: this trick prevailled a long time, but being at last discovered it cost him double charges.  
No less prudent was the Judgement of the general court of all Greece, commonly called Amphictiones; For when Lysander had made a truce with the Thebans for ten days; and ratified it by oath; never the less he stuck not to fall on them in the night: and being accused for breach of the peace, he answered: the league was made for ten days, and not for ten nights: but this nice reply carried him not scot-free; being adjudged by the court to bear the cost of the war.  
The Emperor Domitian is well known to have changed his father Vespasians sceptre into a flie-flap; and therefore was justly styled an enemy to flies, and a fly to his enemies, fight all his battles in his chamber-windows, a great warrior there, but a great spectator in the field; one desiring admittance to this Emperor, asked one who nearly attended him whether there was any one with the Emperor, answer was made, ne musca quidem, not a fly.  
A Fowler, in a sharp frosty morning, having taken many little birds, a young lad seeing the tears trickle down the Fowler's cheeks (by reason of the cold) asked his mother, who was with him, whether that was not a very good man, who was so merciefull, and compassionate to wheep over the poor birds, when they were taken? nay child said she, we may better judge of the man's disposition by his hand than by his eye.  
Alcibiades being falsely accused, and flying for the same, one of his friends would needs persuade him to come back again from Sicily to Athens, and take his trial for his life, and so vindicate his innocence; but he refused it, returning this answer to the court, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉: 'tis safer to avoid the trial of a false accusation than to escape from under it.  
One was told that Pope Pius the fifth was dead, how, said he, Pope Pius the fifth? that's strange, amidst so many Popes has there then been but five Pious?  
Was it not a base kind of flattery, said one to Aristippus, for you so to prostrate yourself at the feet of the Tyrant, when you had so fair and equitable a request to present? no, said Aristippus, was the fault in me or in Dionysius, whose ears are no where to be found but in his feet?  
Joannes Fossa, è nimio Poëseôs studio ad insaniam redactus.  
Hâc sunt in fossâ Fossae mirabilis ossa:  
Qui sibi condendo versus cere- comminuit- brum.  
John Fossa the Poet, overstudied himself and died distracted, this Epitaph was made on him.  
Here rests Fossa, whose studieing Poesy  
In pieces his in- broke- genuitie.  
Queen Catharine of France held a conference with the deputies of the King of Navarre, and the Hugenot party; her design was to make them quit, before the time agreed on, those places of security which had been put into their hands; to this end she had brought from Paris a man almighty in words; to whose Rhetoric nothing, till then, had been impossible; his elegant oration being ended, the Queen immediately addressed herself to one of the chief Ministers of state concerned in the treaty, and in a triumphant manner, (rather to crown a thing done, and gain applause, than that she thought she wanted his opinion) asked him what he thought of the speech he had heard? Madam answered he, with a voice so strong, that it broke the articles of the already half concluded treaty, Me thinks this Gentleman here hath studied very well; but neither my companions, nor myself are of opinion to pay for his study with our heads.  
Two Persons, the one decayed in his estate, the other covetous, were upon election in the Roman Senate for a Proconsulship, Cato stood up and disliked both, Hic nil habet, Huic nihil sat est, the one he said, had nothing, the other would never have enough.  
He was reputed one of the wise men, that made answer to the question, when a man should marry, a young man not yet, an elder man not at all; though wives are young men's mistresses, companions for middle age, and old men's nurses; so that upon this account a man may have a quarrel to marry when he will.  
A waggish country Boy desired his father by all means to take the dog with him, when he was going to buy a parcel of sheep; why so sirrah, said he, because two heads are better than one.  
A young Gentleman in the University of Oxford, who it seems was not often given to overstudy himself, told his father, who was a very learned person, that 'twas better to keep company than read many books; why do you think so, says his father, because, says he, I have no mind to be envied or to be effeminate, and Aristotle tells us that much learning is the cause of both; in the 21 chap. of the second book of his Rhetoric.  
A witty Man, but a notable fuddlecap, was told by his friend, that his evening excesses in that kind was contrary to that rule of health: 
Incipias liquido, sicco finire memento.  o Sir, said he, I beg your pardon, 'tis 
Incipias liquido, sic ô finire memento.   
Sir Robert Catiline, Lord chief Justice of the King's Bench in the reign of Queen Elisabeth, had a prejudice against those that wrote their names with an Alias, and took exceptions at one in this respect, saying, that no honest man had a double name, or came in with an alias, the party asked him what exception his Lordship could take at Jesus Christ, alias Jesus of Nazareth.  
Sir Henry Wotton going Ambassador into Italy, as he passed through Germany stayed some days at Augusta, where passing an evening in merriment, was requested by a german gentleman, to write some sentence in his Albo, (a book of white paper) designed for such purposes: Here upon Sir Henry took occasion from the present discourse of the company to write this pleasant definition of an ambassador: Legatus est vir bonus peregrè missus ad mentiendum Reipublicae causâ: an Ambassador is an honest man sent to lie abroad for the good of his country.  
Thomas Archbishop of York in the reign of Henry the first, falling very sick, was told by his Phycisians that nothing in the world would do him good but to accompany with a woman; if there be nothing else to be ordered, replied he, I shall choose to die a virgin, for surely the remedy is worse than the disease: and accordingly he died. (see Bakers Chron. pag. 60. Polyd. Virg. lib. 11. chap. 30.)  
When there was a flying, though false, report, that Pope Urban the eighth was cooped up by his Cardinals in the castle of St. Angelo, a rogish scholar said, jam verissimum est, Papa non potest errare: undoughtedly, then now 'tis true, the Pope cannot err or go astray.  
What do you think of that Gentleman, said one, pointing to a selfconceited fantastic person going by; I wish, replied he, that all my friends were such as he fancies himself to be, and that all my enemies were really such as he is.  
Raphael Urbinas an excellent Limner was reprehended by two Cardinals for representing the faces of St. Peter and St. Paul, with an unbecoming and untoward redness upon them: he replied that he had not expressed them in such a paleness and leanness in their faces as they had contracted (while living) with their fastings and troubles; but that he had imitated that adventitious redness, which came upon them (now they were amongst the blessed) blushing at the manners and life of their successors.  
That was a remarkable speech of a wise person, delay, said he, hath undone many for the other world: haste hath undone more for this: time well managed saves all in both.  
There came a young Man to Rome, who in the opinion of all men exceedingly resembled the Emperor Augustus; whereof he being informed sent for him, being in presence, he asked him if his mother had never been at Rome; the stranger answered, no, but his father had: the Emperor dismissed him.  
A Clergy man, who was well known to have changed his Religion, or, if you please his opinion very often, was at a visitation complemented by one, who in conclusion told him, that a person of such worthy parts did indeed deserve preferment, and that, how e'er it happened otherwise, yet his merits might justly claim the highest place of the church; o Sir, replied he, there are many worthier persons to whom so grand a compliment would be more agreeable, upon my word Sir, returned the other, I know not in the whole Diocese one whose merits stand so fair for the weathercocks place of our Cathedral as your own.  
Doctor Jegon Master of Bennet college in Cambridg (afterward Bishop of Norwich) punished all undergraduates in the college for some general offence; and the penalty was put upon their heads in the buttery, and because he disdained to convert the money to any private use, it was expended in new whiting the hall of the college, whereupon a scholar hung up these verses on the screen: 
Doctor Jegon, Bennet-colledg Master,  
Broke the scholars heads, and gave the walls a plaster.  But the Doctor, who had not the readiness of his parts any whit impaired by his age, peruseing the paper, ex tempore subscribed: 
Knew I but the wag that writ these verses in a bravery,  
I would commend him for his wit, but whip him for his knavery.   
The French Ambassadors, who were sent to conclude the match between the Lady Henrietta Maria, (youngest daughter to Henry the Great the eldest being married to the King of Spain, and the second to the Duke of Savoy) and Prince Charles, had private audience of King James, a little before his death, who told them pleasantly, that he would make war against the Lady Henrietta, because she would not receive the two letters, which were sent her, the one from himself, the other from his son, but sent them to her mother; yet he said that he thought the conclusion would be peace, because he understood she had afterwards put the latter letter in her bosom, and the first in her cabinet, whereby, he said, he supposed that she intended to reserve his son for her affection, and him for council.  
In the times of confusion, when the University of Oxford no less than other places of the Kingdom, were turned upside down, when Doctors appeared like Aldermen, and Aldermen as Doctors, a Doctor of Divinity to show his zeal for suppressing those loyal Gentlemen of the west, who made an attempt to free their native soil from bondage, thought fit to change his gown for a cloak, and rather like Major General than Vicechancellor, as he was, at the head of his soldiery rid thurrow Oxford with his hair filled all with white powder: This was not a little discoursed of: so that one said, though white powder may be discharged without noise, yet it seems the Doctor's white powder in his hair, being of an other nature, gave a report through the whole nation.  
A Gentleman had lead a company of children into the fields beyond their wont walk, and they being now weary cried to him to carry them; the Gentleman not being able to carry them all, relieved himself with this ingenious device, he, said he, would provide them all horses to ride home with, and furnished himself and them with geldings out of the next hedge; the success was, that mounted fancy put metal into their legs, and they came cheerfully home.  
Eginardus was secretary of state to charlemaign, and had placed his affections much higher than his condition admitted, making love to one of his daughters; she likewise affected him exceedingly, and gave him a free access to her person, so far as to suffer him to have recourse unto her, to laugh and sport in her chamber in evenings: it happened on a winter's night, being negligent of his return, that he stayed somewhat too long; for in the mean time a snow had fallen; and being about to go forth, he feared to be known by his feet, and the Lady also was very unwilling that such prints of steps should be found leading from her door; they were both very much perplexed; but love, which can take the diadem of majesty from the greatest princesses, put her now to do an act for her lover, very unusual for the daughter of one of the greatest men upon earth; she took the gentleman upon her shoulders, and carried him all the length of the court to his chamber, he never fetting foot on the ground, that so no impression of his footing might be percieved. But it so fell out that her father Charlemaign was up late at his study this night, who, hearing a noise, opened a window, and percieved this witty prank: the next day, before many lords of the court, and in the presence of his daughter and Eginardus, he asked aloud what punishment they thought such a servant was worthy of, who made use of a King's daughter as of a mule, and caused himself to be carried on her shoulders in the night, in the midst of winter thorrow snow? they all very severely sentenced the insolency of such a person, and some thought him worthy of nothing less than death. When they had all done, well, said Charlemaign, I now then, Eginardus, give thee two lives at once, take thy fair portress in marriage, she best knows thy worth, who has so well weighed thee.  
When amongst many articles exhibited to King Henry the seventh by the Irish against the Earl of Kildare, the last of all was this: Finally, all Ireland cannot rule this Earl, then, said the King, shall this Earl rule all Ireland, and so made him deputy thereof.  
In the reign of King William the second, an Abbey being vacant, two monks of the covent became suitors for the place, offering great sums of money, and each of them out-biding the other; whereupon the King looking about, and espying an other monk standing not far off, asked him what he would give for the place; who answered, that he neither had any thing to give, nor would give any thing if he had it▪ but came only to wait upon him back, whom the King should appoint Abbot, well, said the King, thou hast spoken honestly, thou are fitter to be Abbot than either, and so bestowed the place upon him gratis.  
Philip of Macedon dreamed he sealed up his wife's belly: he expounded it, that his wife should be barren: but Aristander the soothsayer told him his wife was with child, because men do not use to seal vessels that are empty.  
Joannes Martinus, born in Holland, was a very good limner, and being in Italy, he was told by an ginger, that when he came to Geneva, he should then die; he gave not much credit to this prediction; but it so sell out, that he was sent for to Bern on purpose to illustrate the Jurisdiction of Bern with Chorographical tables. He had almost finished the designed work, and was entered upon that which contains Geneva, when, while he was about the place of the city, and writing down the name of that city, he was suddenly seized upon with the plague, which all that time furiously raged there about, and so he died, A. 1577. just as he came to Geneva.  
The Daughter of Polycrates dreamt, that Jupiter bathed her father, and Apollo anointed him, and it came to pass that he was crucified in an open place, where the sun made his body run with sweat, and the rain was head it.  
One dreamed that he should be devoured of a long dragon: and a little after a maker of sausages did him much injury, and troubled him exceedingly.  
That was an ingenious conjecture, I say not Prophecy, of Seneca the Tragedian, concerning the discovery of America:  

— Venient annis  
Secula seris, quibus oceanus  
Vincula rerum laxet, & ingens  
Pateat tellus, Typhisque novos  
Detegat orbs; nec sit terris  
Ultima Thule:   
Daphida was one of those whom they call Sophists; and out of a foolish insolency he went to Delphos, to consult the oracle of Apollo, for no other purpose but to deride it; he inquired therefore if he should find his horse, whereas indeed he had no horse to seek; Apollo answered, that he should undoubtedly find his horse, dut should be so troubled with him, that it would be his death: the Sophist turned back jesting, as supposing he had deluded the Deity; but in the way he fell into the hands of King Attalus, one whom he had often abused, and bitterly provoked by his scurrilous wit: the King therefore gave order, they should take him to the top of the rock, called Equus, the Horse, and cast him down headlong from thence.  
One of the Popes was very active at Rome, not only upon the account of present affairs, but ripping up of old matters, for which he appointed a select committie severely to examine accounts and errors passed, not only in the time of his immediate predecessor, but others: upon this there was a pleasant Pasquil made; for, there being two statues, one of St. Peter, the other of St. Paul upon a bridge; one had clapped a pair of spurs upon St. Peter's heels, with a paper on St. Paul ask him whether he was bound? he answers, I apprehend some danger to stay now in Rome, because of the severe commit, that is lately appointed, for I fear they will question me for denying my master: truly, brother Peter, says St. Paul, I shall not stay long after you, for I have as much to dow that they will question me for persecuteing the christians, before I was converted.  
Herodotus tells us that the Egyptians do not presently deliver the dead bodies of such, who have been very beautiful, to the Pollinctors to be embalmed, lest an abuse should be committed by any of the embalmers, as once there was; upon which account Dr. Brown in his vulgar errors says, surely deformity needeth not now complain, nor shall the eldest hopes be ever superannuated, since death hath spurs, and carcases have been courted.  
Perses the brother of Hesiod had by corrupting some great men gotten from him the half of his estate, 'tis no matter, says he, they have not done me so much prejudice as they imagine, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, the half is more than the whole.  
Such a vicissitude of things there is in the world, matter being in a perpetual flux, and never at a stay, that a certain ginger hath made this subtle observation, if it were not for two things that are constant, (the one is that the fixed stars ever stand at like distance one from an other, and never come nearer together, nor go farther asunder: the other, that the diurnal motion perpetually keepeth time) no individual would last one moment.  
Nullum est magnum ingenium sine mixturâ dementiae, says a Philosopher, there is no great wit without some mixture of madness, to which 'twas answered, nec par vum sine mixturâ stultitiae, nor a small wit without some allay of foolishness. Upon this account it was, that in a letter to Ben. johnson, one told him, that he was mad when he writ his fox, madder when he writ his Alchemist; that he was mad when he writ his Catiline, and stark mad when he writ Sejanus; but when he writ his Epigrams, and the magnetic lady, he was not so mad.  
A Country man had a suit depending in the King's Bench, touching a river that came so very near his house, that it used to annoy him; the Judge asked him how he called the river; he answered, may it please your Lordship, I need not call her, for she is always forward enough to come to us of herself.  
Croesus' King of Lydia having resolved a war upon Cyrus, consulted the oracle of Apollo at Delphos, about the success, whence he received this answer: 
Croesus Halyn penetrans, magnam disperdet opum vim.  
When Croesus has the Halys passed,  
A world of treasure will he wast.  Croesus' interpreted this of the riches of his adversaries, but the event showed they were his own, for he lost his army, kingdom and liberty in this expedition. Pyrrhus' King of Epirus consulted the oracle of Apollo about his success against the Romans, and fell under the like cozenage of wit, for he received this verse for his answer: 
Ajo te, Aeacida, Romanos vincere posse.  
Achilles' son the Romans may overcome.  The sense, being ambiguous, might be construed in favour of Pyrrhus, or the Romans; so he interpreted it to his own advantage, though the event proved quite otherwise.  
A Gentleman lodged at a tavern, and desired one morning that a Shoemaker might be sent for to make him a pair of boots, and in the mean while, that his landlord would bring him a pint of purleroyal: the Shoemaker came as the Gentleman and the Vintner (who was a very smart ingenious man) were fallen into a discourse over their wine about Bishops; the Shoemaker began to talk too, and directed his discourse to the Vintner; upon which the Gentleman was silent; their discourse proceeded so far, that the Shoemaker grew very furious, calling the Bishops the firebrands, the panders of the whore of Babylon, and the instruments of the devil, that they were of his institution, not of Gods: hold, hold neighbour there, says the Vintner, do not you know as well as I that Titus and Timothy were bishops, that our Saviour is entitled the Bishop of our souls? that the word Bishop is as frequently mentioned in Scripture as the name Pastor, Elder, or Deacon? then why do you inveigh so bitterly against them? the Shoemaker replies, I know the name and office to be good, but they have abused it, therefore it should be no more: well, well then, said the Vintner, you are a Shoemaker by your profession, imagine that you, an hundred, or a thousand, or an hundred thousand of your trade should play the knaves, and sell kalf▪ skin-leather boots for neats-skin, or do other cheats, must we therefore go barefoot? must the gentle-kraft of shoemakers fall therefore to the ground? is the calling or the man to blame? here the Shoemaker was so graveled, that he was brought to his last, having not a word more to say.  
Albumazar, one of the greatest Astrologers the world ever had, hath left it in writing, that by the influences of the stars he found that Christian Religion should last but one thousand four hundred years: so then, he hath belied two hundred seventy eight years already, and it will be a lie to the world's end.  
An Ambassador from Polland addressed himself to a great minister of state at Paris, and complemented him in the latin tongue: when the Ambassador was silent, the great states man prayed those that attended to excuse him for not returning an answer, because as yet he never had the curiosity to learn the Polonian language.  
Secretary Walsingham, and Secretary Cecil were two excellent states men, the one was used to say at the council table, my Lords stay a little and we shall make an end the sooner; the other would ofttimes speak of himself, it shall never be said of me that I will defer till to morrow what I can do to day: these sayings though seemingly contradictory may be reconcill'd by that excellent speech of Charles the Emperor upon affairs of the like nature, ubi desinit Saturnus, ibi incipiat Mercurius, when any business of great consequence is in consultation we should observe the motions of Saturn, which is plumbeous, long and heavy; but when 'tis once absolutely resolved upon, than we should observe the motion of Mercury, the nimblest of all the planets.  
A country Justice of Peace told the Minister of his parish, that surely Seneca was an excellent Doctor of the canon-law, and that in his book de Beneficiis he had fully handled all matters concerning Benefices: This person was very much Geographically inclined, and such an exact surveyour of the world, that he sought an whole day in his map for Democracy and Aristocracy, thinking to find them as well as Dalmatia and Croatia.  
In Naples there was a certain Person who had abused himself with a goat, and having bought an absolution of his confessor, he was asked by a friend what it cost him, he answered, I procured it for four pistolets, and for the other odd one I think, I might have had a dispensation to have married the beast.  
A Lawyer being like to die, having, as he said, nothing else to dispose of but his body, bequeathed all the parts of it in legacies, as his skin to the tanner's, his bones to the dice-makers, his guts to the musicians, his fingers to the scriveners, his tongue, etc. to his fellow-lawyers.  
One related a great deal of court-news to a Porter, how such an one was made Lord Treasurer, an other Lord Chancellor of the exchequer, an other was made an Earl, an other was sworn privy Counciller, &c I, I, said he, 'tis very likely, yet I am but a porter still.  
A Roman Prince held always a very great opinion of a certain weak-witted man of his time, whom the pages hissed, and whom no body esteemed but himself, the universal scorn of the court he was, and five and twenty years' impertinencies in deeds and words before the face of all the world, could never yet remove the extraordinary opinion of the Prince concerning him. The reason of this being asked, the Prince was pleased to return, that he apprehended his secret virtues.  
A Cook at Westminster had a brave rattleing scold to his wife, and on a sunday evening, when he came from the tavern, she rung him such a peal, and grew so hot against him, that she had nothing but hell and the devil in her mouth, to whom she often bequeathed him: the staring husband having heard her a great while with silence, at last answered, I prithee sweat heart, do not talk so much to me of the Devil, surely he will never do me any hurt, for I perceive I have married his kinswoman.  
The Emperor Severus had lain a long time sick of the gout; one of his nobles told him, that he much wondered that he could rule so vast an Empire, being often so indisposed, so lame and unwieldy; you need not wonder, replied the Emperor, the empire I rule with my brain not with my feet.  
A Persian Ambassador showed a Captain many wounds that he had received in wars against the Turk, afterward the Captain told him that his lordship's skin after his death, if't were to be sold, would not yield so much money as that of a meaner person, why so, said the Ambassador, because, replied he, it has so many holes in it.  
A certain Historiographer tells a strange story of one Hans Boobikin, the son of a rich Boor, or countryman, in Holland, his father having furnished him with money, and put him in an equippage fit to visit handsome ladies in, sent him abroad a fryering, or wooing; but Hans not being accustomed to such gallantries, and not knowing where to go else, went to his grandmothers house, where he fell a courting and feasting of her. At his return his father asked him where he had been? he answered, at his grandmothers; God's sacrament, replied the Boor, I hope thou hast not lain with my mother, yes, said Boobikin, why should not I lie with your mother, as well as you lie with mine?    

(1.)  
Two Gentlemen being drinking in a Tavern, chanced so to fall out, that from words they proceeded to blows; whereupon soon after ensued a suit of Law: The main witness to prove what was done, was the Vintner's boy, who being sub-poenaed and sworn at the day of trial, began to tell his tale in this sort: My Lord, said he, I live at the sign of the St. Paul's head, my name is John, and by reason I draw to Gentlemen of the best wine, they have given me the appellation of honest, so that I am now commonly called Honest John. My Lord seeing him so impertinent in his preface, called to him and bid him speak to the matter, for that was quite besides it. I'll warrant you, said John, you shall find it to the purpose presently, and thereupon proceeded: My Lord these two Gentlemen came in there to drink, the one of them his name is Mr. B. the other Mr. F. it was about three of the clock in the afternoon, and we had newly risen from dinner: we had to dinner that day a piece of boiled powdered beef, and buttered turnips, and part of a roasted breast of mutton cold; I could not eat very much of it, by reason I had gotten a cold with sitting up late two or three nights before. My Lord hearing him fly out thus again in his impertinences, bid him speak more home to the matter, or else hold his tongue. My Lord, said John, I was sworn to speak the truth, and all the truth, and I am resolved to do it: and so went on: These two Gentlemen asked for a room, and I showed them up into the green chamber, it was two stories high, upon the left hand as soon as you are up two pair of stairs. Honest John, said my Lord, if thou art so called, trouble us not with these impertinences, but come to the matter. I am about it, quoth John, and so proceeds: As soon as they were in the room, they said unto me, now honest John bring us up a pint of the best Canary, which I did▪ it was of the furthermost pipe but one in all our cellar, and we had no better wine in all the house; it cost my master four and twenty pound the pipe: as I was going up the stairs, my master called to me, and asked me whether I was carrying up that pint of wine, and I told him to the two Gentlemen. John, said my Lord, that is not the question I asked you, but what passed between these two Gentlemen? I shall tell you, quoth John, presently: When I had carried them up the wine, and that they had tasted of it, they told me that I was as good as my word, and that it was of the best Canary. But, said my Lord, what is this to the purpose? Yes, said John, it is to the purpose, and if your Lordship pleases to come thither at any time, I shall draw ye of the same wine, and then you will say that honest john's words were true indeed. My Lord seeing no good to be done with john, bid them set him aside, which john took in very great dudgeon, professing he had spoken nothing but the truth, neither durst he speak any thing but what was true, his master bidding him before he came to have a special care of what he said. After some other witnesses being examined, the Council on the Plaintiffs side began to speak in the name of his client, (as the usual custom is) saying, My Lord, we came into this tavern with a peaceable intention, only to drink a pint of wine with that Gentleman, where we were by him abused, beaten and misused, and put in danger of our life. john hearing him to say so, could forbear no longer, but stepping up, said, My Lord, that fellow with the Coif there tells a most damnable lie, for he says he was beaten and misused in our house, when (I can justify) that he never was in our house in all his life.   

(2.)  
A rich Farmer dying intestate, his son came upto London to take out Letters of Administration of his estate, but being unacquainted with the customs belonging to the spiritual Courts, he went first to a friend of his, telling him, That his Father died detested, leaving only him and two young infidels, and therefore he was devised to come up to London to a Concealer of the law, that he might thereby diminish the Estate.   

(3.)  
A Gentleman lodging in a strange Inn, having store of money in his pockets, put his breeches under his bolster, when he went to bed to secure them; but the next morning (having gotten a pretty dose over night) he had quite forgotten where he had bestowed them; and having fruitlessly searched a pretty while, despairing of finding them, he called for the chamberlain, ask him if he knew what was become of them? Sir, said the chamberlain, are you sure that you brought any in with you? Why, quoth the Gentleman, do you think, that I came without breeches? Sir, said he, if you are sure that you brought them with you, you had best search your pockets, and I question not but you will find them there.   

(4.)  
One having read a very pithy, learned and witty dedication before a flat, dull, foolish book, he very much admired, and said, how they should come to be so matched together: In truth, said another, they may very well be matched together, for I protest they are nothing of kin.   

(5.)  
A Country man in Spain coming to an Image enshrined, the extraction and first making whereof he could well remember; and not finding from the same that respectful usuage which he expected, You need not be so proud, said he, for I have known you from a plumb tree.   

(6.)  
One invited some friends in a complementing way home to dinner with him, which contrary to his expectation was accepted of; in their way as they went, he told them though they fell short of meat at his house, yet they should have good sauce: which he made good in the performance, for when they came to his house, there was not any victuals, and hunger (you know) is of all other the best sauce.   

(7.)  
When Gowry (who attempted to kill King James) was had to the tower, a friend of his told him, Ah, my Lord, I am sorry you had no more wit. Tush, quoth he, thou knowest not what thou sayest, when sawest thou a fool come hither?   

(8.)  
Another seeing in a play-bill upon a post, A great man gulled, and underneath, By his Majesty's Servants, read it thus, A great many gulled by his Majesty's Servants; adding to it these words: By my soul as true a thing as ever was writ.   

(9)  
A Stranger coming up to London, chanced to happen into a house of iniquity, which had the Flower-de-luce to its sign, where he got a clap with a French coul-staff; whereupon at his going forth, he wrote this verse over the door:  

All you who hither chance to come,  
Mark well ere you go in;  
For Frenchman's arms are signs without,  
And Frenchman's harms within.    

(10.)  
One desired a Painter to paint him the picture of a fair Whore: Sir, said he, you may spare that cost, for if she be a right Whore, she will paint herself.   

(11.)  
Two Travelers meeting together at an Inn, had a capon served them in for their dinner: The one of them being very sharp set, while the other asked him whether he had a father living or no? The other answered, no; and withal entered into a long discourse, how, where, and when his father died. In the mean time the Questionist had eaten up all the best of the capon; which the tale-teller at last percieving, half angry said unto him, now I pray you tell me, have you a father living? He answered, No. Then tell me, quoth the other, how he died: He very earnest at his victuals, briefly answered. Suddenly, suddenly, very suddenly.   

(12.)  
There was a Physician who pretended by his skill in casting of Urines to tell what distemper any man was troubled with; a woman whose husband had fallen down a pair of stairs, went with her husband's water to this cunning Leech, who having by discourse pumped out as much as he could of the woman, at last guest that he fell down eight stairs; but the woman making it appear that it was eleven, he asked her if there were all the water: she confessing there was some left, O then, said he, there went the three stairs away.   

(13.)  
An old Doctor which had been a Protestant in King Edward's days, a Papist in Queen Mary's days, and a Protestant again in Queen Elisabeths', seeing a Lady dance a Galliard, commended her danceing very much; to which she answered, That she knew she danced well enough, only she could not turn so well as he.   

(14.)  
My Lord Maynard kept a fool, whose name was jack Frank, that went in a pied calve-skin suit; he being one day in the highway, a Gallant came riding by all bedaubed with silver-lace, who spying jack, asked him whose fool he was: said jack, I am my Lord Mainards' fool: and now I have told you whose fool I am, pray tell me whose fool you are.   

(15.)  
One asked a Lords Jester, what virtue he thought was in a Turkey-stone; to which he answered, That if you should chance to fall from the top of an house, you to break your neck, and the stone to have no hurt.   

(16.)  
A Justice of peace called one that was brought before him, arrant knave; who replied, I am not so arrant a knave as your worship (and there he made a pause, as feigning to spit, and then adjoined) takes me to be.   

(17.)  
One told his Neighbour that he had a Pope in his belly; who answered, Better so than to have a devil in my heart.   

(18.)  
There was a Maid who had taken a dram too much of the bottle, and not well knowing what she ailed, carried her water to a Physician, who bid her be of good cheer, for, said he, within these few months you shall have the cause of your grief in your arms.   

(19)  
A Countryman having his wife's honesty in suspicion, went one morning betimes to an ginger, to be resolved of his doubts; the Wizard was not then up, and the Countryman having extraordinary occasion, untrust a point upon the threshold: At last the ginger came down, and smelling what was done, in a great chafe, he said, if I knew who it was that did this nasty trick, I would have him severely punished. The Countryman hearing him say so; Nay then, said he, adieu Wizard, I'll home again to my Jenny; if you know not who it was that shit at your door, I am sure you know nothing of my wife's honesty.   

(20.)  
One went to a Lawyer for his advice without money, but the Lawyer was deaf on that ear; the man being more earnest with him to have his advice: Will you have your Lamp burn, said he, without oil?   

(21.)  
There was a Statute in Queen Elisabeths' days, that whoever had Mass said in their house should pay fifty pounds: Mr. Ployden being in his heart a Papist; a Nobleman's Coachman undertook to bring him into that praemunire; and getting on Priests weeds, went to Mr. Ployden's, who taking him for a Priest, he was there admitted to say Mass: The Council being informed of the business, Mr. Ployden was sent for, and the thing laid so home to his charge, that he confessed it, and deposited down fifty pounds on the table. Then one of the council said unto him, You may see Mr. Ployden what a blind Religion you are nursed in; for he that said Mass at your house was no Priest, but only such a Nobleman's Coachman, Nay then, quoth Mr. Ployden, the case is altered; for no Priest no Mass; no Mass no fifty pounds; so swept up his money, and away he went.   

(22.)  
A Gentlemen passing up Fleetstreet, met with another Gentleman, who gave him so great a justle, as had well nigh thrown him into the channel; but recovering himself, he stepped up to the other Gentleman, and asked him if it were in jest or in earnest; he replying in earnest; Very well, said he, I am glad it is so, for I tell you true, I like no such jesting.   

(23.)  
A Countryman, who had never been at London before, was gaping into a Scrivener's shop; the Scrivener standing at the door, asked him what he would buy; Gaffer, said he, what is it you sell? the Scrivener told him loggerheads: said the man, I perceive you have quick trading, that you have but one left in the shop.   

(24.)  
Oliver the late Usurper riding abroad one day in his Coach, Hugh Peter was mounted on a Steed, and followed after; it chanced a suddan shower of rain to fall, whereupon Oliver being unwilling his Chaplain should be wet, sent him his coat to keep him dry: Which Hughkin modestly refused, returning this answer to the messenger, that he would not be in his coat for a thousand pound.   

(25.)  
Pride and Hewson, two of Cromwel's pageant Lords, the one formerly a Drayman, the other a Cobbler; these two meeting together, Pride told Hewson he saw a piece of cobbler's wax sticking upon his scarlet cloak; No matter for that, said Hewson, an handful of brewer's grains will wipe it off well enough.   

(26.)  
Henry the eighth being abroad on hunting, through the eager pursuit of his game lost his attendants; at length he wandered to the Abbey of St. Alban, where (unknown) he dined with the Abbot, and fell so stoutly on, that the Abbot takeing notice thereof, said, he would give an hundred pound he had so good a stomach, for, quoth he, my stomach is so queasy, that I am ready to surfeit with pestle of a Lark, or the wing of a Partridge. The King remembering his words, the next day sent for him up by a couple of Pursuivants, and without showing any reason clapped him in the tower, where he was fed for a fortnight with only bread and water: At last the King sent him a rib of roast beef, on which he fed so heartily, and made so deep an impression, that the King stepping from his Coverture where in he stood to see what the Abbot would do, demanding of him his hundred pounds; saying, Since I have been your Physician, and recovered your stomach, pay me my money; which the Abbot was forced to do.   

(27.)  
The same King Henry having a months' mind to the Abbot of Glastenburies' estate, (who was one of the richest Abbots in England) sent for him to his court, and told him that without he could resolve him three questions, he should not escape with his life; The Abbot willing to get out his clutches, promised his best endeavours. The King's questions were these: First, of what compass the world was about: Secondly, how deep the Sea was: and Thirdly, what the King thought. The Abbot desired some few days respite, which being granted, he returned home, but with intent never to see the King again, for he thought the questions impossible to be resolved; This his grief coming at last at the ears of his Cook, he undertook upon forfeiture of his life, to resolve these riddles, and to free his Master from danger; The Abbot willingly condescended. So the Cook got on the Abbot's clothes, and at the time appointed went to the Court, and being like the Abbot in Physiognomy, was taken by all the Courtiers to be the same man: When he came before the King (omitting other circumstances) he thus resolved his three questions; First, of what compass the world was about; he said, It was but twenty four hours journey, and if a man went as fast as the sun, he might easily go it in that space. The second, How deep the Sea was? He answered, Only a stones cast, for throw a stone into the deepest place of it, and in time it will come to the bottom. To the third, which I concieve, saith he, your Majesty thinks the most difficult to resolve, but indeed is the easiest, that is, what your Highness thinks; I answer, that you think me to be the Abbot of Glastenburie, when as indeed, I am but Jack his Cook.   

(28.)  
A Milkwoman in London, that had by mixing water with her milk, gotten the sum of an hundred pounds, to increase it more, ventured the same in a voyage at Sea, but by chance of tempest the ship was cast away; which the woman hearing of. Then farewell hundred pound, quoth she, lightly come, lightly go; I got it by the water, and I lost it by the water.   

(29.)  
A young Wench who had taken a dram of the bottle, went with her water to Doctor Trigg, who told her the baker had been too busy with her, and left a pennie-loaf in her belly; No indeed Sir, said she, you are mistaken, it was not he, it was my Fathers man.   

(30.)  
One by chance spit in another man's face, whereat as being sorry for his offence, he said, I cry you mercy Sir for spitting in your face, but if you please to lie down, I will tread it out again with my foot.   

(31.)  
Two or three Gentlemen were drinking together, whereof the one of them was named Samson; being in discourse concerning the differences betwixt the English and the Dutch, one of them said, What need we to fear the Dutch, since here is Samson able to conquer them all? True, said Samson, that I may do, if you please to lend me one of your jawbones.   

(32.)  
A rustical Husbandman challenged kindred of an eminent Bishop of this land, requesting him to bestow an office upon him: Cousin, said the Bishop, if your Cart be broken, I'll mend it; if your Plough be old, I'll give you a new one, and seed to sow your land; but an husbandman I found you, and a husbandman I'll leave you.   

(33.)  
A Taylor sent his man to a Gentleman with a long bill for some little money due to him, who rather willing to cavil than to pay, in a great rage said: Why Sirrah, does your Master think I am running away, that he is so hasty to send for his money? No Sir, said the servant, my Master doth not imagine you to be about to run away, but he himself is, which makes him so earnest with you and others, to get money to carry a long with him.   

(34.)  
A Gentleman walking over Lincolns-Infields, was followed by a Beggar, and earnestly importuned with the terms of Good your honour, pray your Worship, sweet Master bestow something on me: He to try this Beggar's humour, said, that they use to call such as gave them nothing, Rogues and Rascals: No indeed, said the Beggar, not I, I scorn to do it: Well, said the Gentleman, I'll try thee for this once; but the Beggar returned him such a peal in his ears, that he was glad to mend his pace to get out of the hearing of it.   

(35.)  
Two gentlemen's Servants being drinking together chanced to fall out; and at last, amongst other discourse, fell to vying the nobleness of their Masters; one of them saying, My Master spends more in Mustard than yours does in Beef. To whom the other replied, The more saucy men his followers.   

(36.)  
A talkative man, who took himself to be a grand Wit, was boasting that in what company soever he came, he was the leader of the discourse, and that none durst speak in his presence, if he held his peace: No marvel, said one, for they are all struck dumb at the miracle of your silence.   

(37.)  
A Gentleman coming to court in his coach, as he was lighting out of it, asked a Page, that retained to some person therein, what it was a clock: Sir, said the youth, what will you give me then? Why, said the Gentleman, must you have money given you to tell that? Sir, quoth the lad, I would not have you mistake yourself, we courtiers do nothing without money.   

(38.)  
A Controversy in Law was at last referr'd to a Gentleman to decide, and both parties bound to stand to his award; the Plaintiff, to win him to his side, presented him with a new coach: and the Defendant to gain his favour gave him four brave horses. The Gentleman liking the horses better than the coach, gave the verdict on the Defendants side: Whereupon the Plaintiff asked him how it came to pass the coach went out of the right way: the Gentleman answered, he could not help it, for it was the horses had drawn it so.   

(39)  
One that had often asked an old debt, was still put off with words, that he would pay him ere it were long; which made him to say, I suppose at last you will die in my debt; to which the other answered, I have lived now this forty Years, and am sure I never died in any one's debt yet.   

(40.)  
A precise Gentleman kept a Servant that was a great player at cards, who was complained thereof to his Master by one of his fellow-servants. The Gentleman, who would not endure such wickedness as he thought to reign in his family, had his man in examination, chargeing him very deeply for a great Gamester: Sir, said the Servant, I am so far from being a player at cards, that I know not what a pair of cards means. No, said the Gentleman to the tell-tale, did not you say he was a great player at cards? Yes, and please your Worship, quoth he, he is so, and so addicted to them, that he seldom goes without a pair in his pocket. Upon these words the Gentleman commanded his pockets to be searched, wherein was a pair found indeed. What is this? said the Gentleman, did not you say you knew not cards? then pray what things are these? O that, quoth the man, is my Almanac, which I carry continually about with me. Pray, said the Gentleman, make it appear how these cards can be an Almanac. Why thus Sir, said the man; there are in these things, you call cards, as many suits as there are Quarters in the year, as many cards as there are Weeks in the year, as many court-cards as there are Months in the year, and as many spots as there are Days in the year. And is this, said the Gentleman, all the use that you make of them? No, quoth the servant, I have more uses of them than these; for when I look upon the King, it puts me in mind of the allegiance that I owe to my sovereign Lord the King; looking upon the Queen, puts me in mind of the like allegiance that I owe to the Queen; the Ten puts me in mind of the ten Commandments; the Nine, of the nine Muses; the Eight, of the eight Altitudes; the Seven, of the seven liberal Sciences; the Six, of the six days that we ought to labour in; the Five, of the five senses; the Four, of the four Evangelists; the Three, of the Trinity; the Two, of the two Sacraments; and the Ace, that we ought to worship but one God. Why said the Gentleman, if this be all the use that you make of them, I can find no great fault with you; but of all the Cards that you have named, you have forgotten one, you have not remembered the Knave, pray what use do you make of him? O, said the servant smiling, that, and it please you, is your worship's informer.   

(41.)  
A Citizen riding with his wife to see the country, they chanced to come to a place where a Gardener had hung up some Moles, or Wants upon the twigs of a tree, which she spying, Good Lord Husband, said she, what brave living it is in the country, over it is in the city, where we have no such brave things growing as these! for look yonder Husband is a Black-pudding-tree.   

(42.)  
An extravagant Proctor talking unseemly words before a Gentlewoman, she asked him of what profession he was of? Madam, said he, I am a civil Lawyer: O lack Sir, said she then, if civil Lawyers are such bawdy people, I wonder what other lawyers are?   

(43.)  
At such time when Periwigs were as scarce as money is now amongst poor men, a Gentleman, who had lost his hair by a fit of sickness, was forced with the first to make use of one of them, It happened that he and his boy that attended on him, riding down into the country, there fell such a shower of rain, which continued so long, as necessitated them to take up their lodging at a paltry Alehouse in a country village, where seeing the weather to prove so bad, he was resolved to lie for that night, after some short commons, which went by the name of a supper, the Gentleman was conducted to his lodging-chamber, which was hung with cobwebs, instead of cloth of Arras, his boy also was shown to another chamber, something inferior you may be sure to that of his masters, which was also richly hanged with spider's tapestry, whilst the Gentleman was making himself unready, the maid peeped in at a hole under the door, (which was made for the Cat to go out and in) that when he was a bed, she might fetch away the candle. Having undressed himself, he pulls off his Periwig, and sets it upon a stool by him, which the maid percieving, verily imagined that he had pulled off his head, and so conceited she was of it, that she ran down to her Dame, telling her, that the Gentleman, who lodged there, was no other than an arrant conjurer, for she saw him with her own eyes to pull off his head, and set it upon the stool by him, and if she doubted any thing of the truth thereof, if she would go up she might see it standing there at that present. Her Dame, though something a nullifidian of what she heard, yet to satisfy her maid's curiosity, went up, where peeping likewise in at the hole, and seeing it upon the stool, she was then of the same opinion with her maid; and so fearful they were both thereof, that neither of them durst fetch the candle, but the Gentleman was forced to put it out himself. That night was spent in a great deal of fear, they judging that bad weather to proceed from the Conjurer, and expecting yet worss: but when in the morning they saw all fair, and a serene sky, they changed their opinion, and that though he was a conjurer, yet that now he would do no more harm: Whilst they were now entered into this good opinion of him, one of her neighbours came in, who had lost a horse, whom he judged to be stole, for which he made a great complaint: Hold your peace, said she, I can tell you a way which I warrant you will fetch your horse again: We have a conjurer that is now lodged in our house, who for half a dozen of beer, I question not but will do your business: and therewithal she went up to the Gentleman, acquainting him with her neighbour's loss, and desiring his assistance for the gaining him again; for, said she, I know you have skill in the black Art, my maid and I seeing your head last night upon the stool, when as the rest of your body was gone to bed. The Gentleman percieving her folly in her grand mistake, and willing to have some mirth after his wet journey, told her, that for her sake he would do his best endeavour for her neighbour; and that when he was ready, he would raise a Spirit which should quickly tell him where the horse was. The woman overjoyed at these words, ran down and told her neighbour that he should have his horse again within an hour, and that if he would stay so long, he should see him come galloping to him again in a full career: This news pleased the fellow so well, that he resolved to stay. In the mean time the Gentleman was consulting with himself how to bring his purpose the best way to effect; in order thereto, he told his boy that he must act the part of a Devil; and to personate him the better, Whilst I am gone down, said he, to speak with him about the business, do you turn your coat the wrong-side outwards, and creep under the bed, where you must lie till I speak these words, Elhavareuna, Phonsonthoohia, Heidon cousin Towronus Dungeonis Keptoribus; then do you come forth from under the bed, and make as hideous a noise with your mouth as you can possible. The boy promised to do as he bade him: and when his master was gone down, he went about his business; but remembering with himself, that in the chamber where he lodged, there lay a raw bulls-hide left there by some butcher, thought that would personate the Devil far better than his coat; and thereupon he suddenly fetched it, and wrapped himself therein, with the horns appearing just over his head; which having done, he crope under the bed, expecting the event: soon after he was fixed, came up his master, the dame, the maid, and the fellow that had lost his horse; when the Gentleman having a chalk-stone in his hand, marked them every one out a circle; then placing them therein, he bid them not to stir out of them whatsoever they saw: so pulling a book out of his pocket, he began to read some hard uncouth names, and at last came to those words, Elhavareuna, etc. when the boy made his appearance from under the bed, with a great pair of horns and a bellowing noise: his master, who knew not of his boys new invention for acting the devil, seeing such a hideous thing to appear, thought it had been the Devil indeed, who had come to have punished him for undertaking to conjure, and thereupon he ran as fast as he could drive, making but one step from the top of the stairs to the bottom: the women and the man seeing the Gentleman to run, thought likewise the Devil was come to fetch them for being spectators, and thereupon ran as fast as he, tumbling down the stairs one upon the neck of another: the boy seeing them all to run in such disorder, thought also that the Devil was indeed come for him for acting his part, and therefore he began to throw off his coverture; but he had before so fastened it unto him, that seeing he could not pull it off, he ran with it on, when coming to the top of the stairs, the hide so wrapped about his legs, as threw him from the top to the bottom amongst them, when they hearing the horns to make a clattering, so shrieked and bellowed as if the Devil had been amongst them indeed. Sad was the effects of this their conjuring: one had his nose broke, another his shin, some hurt their elbows, some their thighs, and others their backs, the Gentleman lost his periwig, the women fell with their heels upwards, and to conclude, not any one of them sped so well, but he had more occasion for a surgeon than a conjurer,   

(44.)  
A Countrie-fellow was subpoena'd for a witness upon a trial of an action of defamation, at a Quarter-sessions holden in the country: he being sworn, the Judge bid him to say the very same words that he heard spoken; the fellow was loath to speak, and humed and hawed for a good space; but being urged by the Judge, he at last spoke, My Lord, said he, you are a rogue: the Judge seeing the people begin to laugh, called to him, and bid him to speak to the Jewry, for there was twelve of them.   

(45.)  
A Barber's boy passing through the Shambles, fell to snapping his fingers, saying, they were all Cuckolds that could not do so: a butcher hearing him, went to try to snap his fingers, but being greasy they would not do, wherefore he went and washed them, and then came out snapping of them as the boy had done: to whom the boy said, O Gaffer, 'tis too late now, you should have done so before.   

(46.)  
A finical Captain kept a man to wait on him: which man being one day, in company, pulled off his hat, and began his master's health. Some of the company bid him put his hat on again, telling him his master was a soldier: a soldier! said the fellow, he is a liar that saysit, My master is no soldier, he is a Captain.   

(47.)  
A Lady of Paris, who was suspected of inchastity, was speaking before a reverend Divine of the French reformed church, that the scripture was very hard to be understood. Why, said the Divine, what can be more plain, than, Thou shalt not commit Adultery?   

(48.)  
One said, that chuseing of wives was like to drawing in the lottery, where for one prise a man should meet with twenty blanks: Sir Thomas Moor was want to say, to the plucking by casuality Eels out of a bag, wherein for every Eel are twenty Snakes.   

(49.)  
A Carpenter had married a very handsome woman to his wife, but that she wearing cork-shoes, it made her light-heeled. This Carpenter used to work about a mile from home; but for the love that he bore to his wife, he would every night come back to bed with her, although as it seemed she had rather to have had his room than his company; for no sooner was he gone, but his place was supplied by another, whom she loved more dearly, his next neighbour, who by trade was a Grocer. It happened one morning, that the Carpenter went forth as he was accustomed; but before his place was cold, another was gotten therein: he had not gone a quarter of a mile, but there fell such a storm of rain, with likelihood of continuance, that he returned back again; and drawing the latch, went into the house: which the Grocer hearing crope out of the bed underneath it as fast as he could. It being not yet day, the Carpenter pulled off his clothes and went to bed; where he had not lain above a quarter of an hour, but that it ceased raining; and the sky very clear, gave great hopes of a fair day: which the good wife percieving, fearing her lover would catch cold, by being without his clothes underneath the bed, she jogged her husband, telling him now the sky was very clear, and therefore desired him to rise to go to work. The Carpenter, who was very observant to his wife, did accordingly; but it being so dark that he could not see, he mistook, and put on the grocers breeches instead of his own: and so going his journey, when he came to his work, putting his hand in his pocket to pull out his compasses, he found there an handful of money, at which he much marvelled, knowing not how it should come there; only he thought it was no bad luck to have his pockets so lined; yet was he in a quandary whether he was awake or in a dream, he being seldom master of such a purchase. Putting his hand in his other pocket, he found there a bunch of keys, a notebook, and some other papers; which increased his wonder more than before: but looking down towards his legs, he saw the breeches were all full of ribbans, whereas his own had never any on them. Not knowing what to think thereof, he resolved to go home again and confer with his wife. In the mean time the Grocer miss his breeches, and telling the Goodwife thereof, they knew not what to do, only she thought it was his best way not to stay, judging her husband had gotten them on, which might occasion his sudden return: and indeed her suspicion herein proved true; for no sooner was the Grocer gone, but the husband returned home, where he found his wife weeping and wailing and takeing-on most bitterly: he ask her the reason thereof; O, said she, The Grocer at the next door yesternight brought a pair of breeches hither for me to mend for him, and I being willing to earn a penny, and not always to rely upon your gettings, took the business upon me, since which time, I know not how, some body hath come in and stolen them away; but if I knew that cuckoldly rogue that had them, I would have him hanged if it were possible. Then casting her eyes fully upon him, O lack husband, said she, I see you have gotten them on; truly I was afraid they had been lost, but hereafter I will have more care of such things as long as I live. The husband hereupon pulled them off, and gave them to his wife; but withal told her, That he had rather allow her two pence out of his days wages, than that she should earn a penny in such sort.   

(50.)  
One was saying, that he thought in his conscience such a neighbour of his was a cuckold: to whom his wife said, husband, why do you say so? You are such another man.   

(51.)  
One told his friend, that the rats had gnawn his hose, ask him very seriously what he thought it signified? marry, said he, it signifies that your hose is gnawn, but it is not so strange a thing that the rats should gnaw your hose, as it would have been if your hose had eat up the rats.   

(52.)  
Two members of the Rump-Parliament being upon the Thames with a pair of Oars; one of them said, You Watermen are mere hypocrites, you row one way and look another. Marry, replied one of the Watermen, we have not plied so long at Westminster-stairs for nothing, but have learned something of our masters that sit there to pretend one thing and act another.   

(53.)  
When the Rump-Parliament had voted down the keeping of Christmas; A fellow said, it was high time for them so to do, since most of their printed acts began to be put under Christmas pies.   

(54.)  
One desiring a Maid to go to a Gentleman and kiss him: Nay Sir, said she, I'll ne'er go to market for that ware, which I can have brought home to my door.   

(55.)  
A Barber going to the court, and being at his return asked what he saw? he answered, The King was very neatly trimmed.   

(56.)  
One said he would willingly marry, but he would have a wife that was perfectly good. To whom another said, that if none but such would serve his turn, he must bespeak her, for there was no such ready made.   

(57)  
A cautious Gentleman had refrained long from marriage, because he doubted of the honesty of women in general, and fearing he might have a wench instead of a maid; which he at length happened upon: for he was married to one reputed virgin, who was with child by another man, whereupon one of his companions said, that he had taken a sure way to marry a maid, for there was one in the mother's belly.   

(58.)  
A Malefactor being brought before a conceited Justice, it was desired by the plaintiff that the Justice would be careful in takeing the officers examination. To whom the Justice replied, I can inform myself by his very looks: I have taken a hundred examinations in my days of Felons and other offenders out of their very countenances, and wrote them down verbatim what they would have said: I am sure it hath served to hang some of them, and whip the rest.   

(59)  
A rich covetous person being chosen Sheriff of a county, not knowing which would be cheapest, to fine or hold, went to a friend of his who had born the same office, and enquired of him what it cost him. The other told him he gained five hundred pounds by the office. Whereupon this covetous Churl would not fine, but held Sheriff. But at the years end, he found that he had spent a thousand pounds more than he had received: Wherefore he went to his friend, and told him that he had spent a thousand pound. Then, said his friend, you have been a better husband than I was: for I gave my Steward two thousand pounds to spend, and he returned me five hundred of it; which I reckoned gain, because I intended to have spent it all.   

(60.)  
A Dog, named Rose, pissed on a Gentlewoman's bed, at which she being angry did beat the little cur; one being by excused the dog, saying, Madam, you need not fret so much at it, for it was but a little Rose-water spilt.   

(61.)  
A certain kind hearted creature affirming herself to be a maid, was asked by one in the company how she could prove that, another answered for her, per demonstrationem à posteriori.   

(62.)  
A tinker coming through Cheapside, and sounding bravely on his keetle, to the tune of Have you any work for a Tinker, a forward Linen-draper thought to put a Jest upon the Tinker, there being a Pillory before his door; told him that he should do well to stop those two holes, pointing to the Pillory; the Tinker returned him this answer, that if he would afford him his head and ears, that he would find a hammer and nails, and give him work into the bargain.   

(63.)  
A Maid being married to an old man, she was very sad all the time the Wedding was kept: A merry fellow being there, to comfort her, said, Be of good cheer, Lady, for an old horse will perform as long a journey as a young; she simpering and sighing said, withal stroking down her belly; But not in this road Sir.   

(64.)  
A Schoolmaster asked one of his Scholars what was latin for cold, O Sir, says the boy, I have that at my finger's ends.   

(65.)  
A Baker riding through a Yeoman's close, spied a fat goose, and being a merry fellow, the lights down, and takes up the goose, and weighing her in his hand, he liked her so well that he put her into one of his dossers, and thumping old Brock his Mare with his feet, he began to troth homewards as fast as he could: The goose made such a noise, that the Yeoman was so suddenly alarmed as to observe the Baker's knavery, who strained his throat, and cried aloud, Baker, Baker, the Baker made as if he did not hear, but rides home as fast as he could. The Yeoman knowing who he was, got a Warrant to have him before a Justice: The business being examined, the Baker was asked what he could say for himself: And like your Worship, said he, I went to buy a goose, and coming into this man's close I took one up, weighed her, liked her, and carried her home, this man calls to me to bake her, which I have done, and if your worship, or he, loves a goose, truly both of you shall be welcome to the pie.   

(66.)  
One in the telling of a tale having brought himself to a Nonplus, desired one of his auditors that stood by to help him out, no, quoth he, you are out enough already.   

(67.)  
A conceited Gentleman seeing his wife in a very sullen mood, asked her how she did, she answered him that she was not sick, nor yet very well. Nay, quoth he, than I may even turn thee out of doors, for I only promised when I married thee, to cherish thee in sickness and in health, which answer frighted her out of her sullen humours.   

(68)  
A Gentleman being hasty on his Journey, his friend was over curious in making clean of his boots, the Gentleman jestingly desired him to leave off, for, said he, the old dirt will serve to keep out the new.   

(69.)  
A Scholar having a very little study, and some of his friends desiring him to let them see it, he said, I faith Gentlemen, if you go all in, it will not hold you.   

(70.)  
Says an Alderman to the rest of his brethren, we need not to doubt our cause in law, if we can but prove Henry the second to have been before Henry the first.   

(71.)  
One being to take a journey into the country was advised by a friend of his, not to go that day, for certainly, quoth he, it will rain; pub, replies the other, you may take your Journey, it is no matter for rain, so that it hold but up underfoot.   

(72.)  
One said of a man that pinched his belly to save his money, that he lived by the air like a Cormorant.   

(73)  
A country Clown having a friend to speak with at Surgeons Hall, seeing of a man's Skin tanned, said that that Skin would make excellent good Bucks-leather gloves.   

(74.)  
A fellow whose cup was overfilled, and so delivered to him, did once or twice very gingerly sip thereof, whereat the company laughing, he said Gentlemen it was too full before, but now 'tis very fair, and so he drank off all the rest.   

(75.)  
One having a son that was an unthrift, ordered him to go a soldier into the Low-countries; A friend of his meeting him told him that he heard he would go a volunteir, ay, I, quoth the intended soldier, much against my will.   

(76.)  
A country Curate ask a young Scholar to which University he intended to go, the Scholar answered him to Cambridge, That is a very unhealthful place, said the Curate, for I think if I had lived there till this time, I had been dead five years since. A Company were talking of an impudent woman that had hit her husband in the teeth with his horns, one amongst them said, what a fool was he to let his wife know that he was a Cuckold.   

(77.)  
A Seaman being most dangerously affrighted with a most horrible tempest, did promise and vow that if ever he came to shore, that he would reform and amend his wicked life and conversation, and that he would eat no more powdered beef; for that it caused him to drink so much. The weather being calm▪ and the shore recovered, as soon as ever he had stepped on it, he cried out, not without▪ Mustard, not without Mustard.   

(78.)  
A silly country Gentlewoman being got with child by one that was much her inferior, to save her credit, accused the man of a rape; whereupon the matter was brought before a neighbouring Justice of Peace, who easily percieving, and having before an eye into the business: after he had heard her complaint, how deeply she had been injured, as pitying her he said, alas poor Gentlewoman, I warrant this was not the first time that the rogue ravished you, she, to aggravate his crime, replied, no I'll be sworn he ravished me above twenty times, which procured much laughter, and the fellows freedom.   

(79.)  
A Scholar keeping of his chamber very close, by reason of his sore legs, was asked by one how he could keep in so much, having such running legs.   

(80.)  
A certain Nobleman sitting at the table, opposite to Scotus that writ on the sentences, a most learned Englishman, amongst other discourse, merrily asked him, what was the difference betwixt Sot and Scot, he answered, Nothing but the table, Sir.   

(81.)  
One ask Diogenes the Cynic, what he would have to take a cuff on the ear, he answered a helmet. Another time walking in the fields, and seeing of a man shooting very unskilfully, he went and sat down very near the mark, some ask him why he did so, he answered, Lest peradventure he should hit me.   

(82.)  
A Company of Inland Cockneys shot a living Lobster, which was let fall on the Highway, for a serpent, and made a solemn thanksgiving (if you will believe it) for their deliverance from it. One of them being somewhat wiser than the rest, took up the Serpent, and invited the Minister of the Parish to dine with him, who being derided for his error, said, that in all his life time he never saw a black Lobster before.   

(83.)  
One that was a Journeyman used to go before his mistress once on a Sunday very formally to Church, only to bring her thither, and so to leave her with the apprentice to come home with her again: he having appointed that afternoon to be merry at Islington with some of his Comrades, who were to meet him there at the Katharine-wheel, every one of them so furnished with one thing or other, as to make up a lusty collation: As soon as his Mistress was in her Pew, he had like to have committed a grand mistake, instead of her Bible he was a going to deliver her his Islington Neats-tongue, which he had wrapped in a brown-paper; but as good fortune would have it, he recollected himself suddenly, recovered it again, and put it under his arm: She being almost angry asked him what was the reason he did not give her the bible, forsooth, he replied, that was mine, and so delivered her the bible in the green bag, and kept his in the brown paper.   

(84.)  
A Strumpet would have fathered a child on Aristippus, to clear himself he said, that she might as well say if she went through a hedge of thorns, that this thorn pricked her.   

(85.)  
A Tenant dining at his Lord's table, could get no liquor, wherefore he arose, and desired leave to go home and drink, saying, that he would return again presently.   

(86.)  
One falling from the top of an house, with his weight killed a man that was under, but saved his own life, the other man's friend prosecuteing the law, and requireing Lex talionis, was adjudged to get upon the house, and to fall down on the Tyler.   

(87.)  
A Gentlewoman was in company telling a tale of a Courtesan who was like to be surprised in bed with a Lord, and that they were so near put to't, that to save both their credits, the Lord was enforced to let her down at a window with one of the sheets: in conclusion, said she, the knot slipped, and down fell I   

(88)  
A Gourmandizer being about to set down at table, complained that he had lost his stomach; Well, quoth one that stood by, if a poor man had found it, he had been utterly undone.   

(89.)  
A Soldier quartering in Newmarket, often observed a young country Wench that sold pigs every market day; whereupon he went to her one day, and desired to see some pigs; having seen several, he said at last, He would have one that was alive, so she showed him one that she had in a bag. Well, Sweet heart, said he, I live hard by, and must go show the pig to my Captain, if he like it, you shall have three shillings for it, in the mean time I will leave the price with you. Thus having got the pig tied up in the bag, he went to his lodging, and put a dog into the bag instead of it, and returning quickly to the Damosel, said, Truly his Captain did not like the pig; and therefore she took the bag without looking into it, and gave him his money. Not long after came a French Monsieur in haste to buy a pig, but not liking those that were dead, would have a live one. Sir, said she, I have one of the same bigness alive, the price is so much. Well, here is your money, said he, but how shall I carry it? Why for a groat you shall have poke and all. Poke, what is that? said the Frenchman. 'Tis a bag Sir, said she, that it is tied up in. Oh the bag, is dat de poke? well here is a groat. Thusaway he goes with his bargain home, but when he comes to look in the poke, O de Diable; says he, is dis de pig? de Dible take me, if I do buy de pig in the poke again.   

(90.)  
One seeing a barelegged fellow run on an errand, said, Do you hear friend, when those stockings are worn out, I will give you a new pair. I thank yond Sir, replied the other, these stockings have lasted me a great while; I have also a pair of breeches of the same stuff, that never had but one hole in them, and that's at your service too.   

(91.)  
A Gentleman meeting the King's Jester, asked, What news? Why Sir, replied he, There are forty thousand men risen to day. I pray to what end, said the other, and what do they intend? Why to go to bed again at night, said he.   

(92.)  
One asked, Why men sooner gave to poor people that begged, than to Scholais? 'Tis, said one, because they think they may sooner come to be poor, than to be Scholars.   

(93.)  
A countryman coming to Paris with his ass loaded, the beast stuck in a dirty place of the road; wherefore the peasant struck him with a stick to make him rise: till at last a courtier passing by, said, How now villain, art thou not ashamed to abuse thy beast so? If thou strikest him again, I will give thee an hundred blows with the same cudgel. The poor man ignorant what to do, pulled off his hat till the Gentleman was past, and then began to beat his beast worse than before; saying, How now mine ass, who would have thought that thou hadst had friends at court?   

(94.)  
A prudent Gentleman in the beginning of the rebellious times, as he lay on his deathbed, was asked how he would be buried? he answered, With my face downward, for within a while this England will be turned upside down, and then I shall lie right.   

(95.)  
One seeing the rump in council, Oh strange, said he, what fine men be these, I could willingly work for such as long as I live. What trade are you pray? said another; Why truly, replied he, I am a Cordwinder.   

(96.)  
Two coming to an Inn, they bid the ostler give their horses some oats; presently one going down, saw the ostler robbing the horses, for which chideing him, he returned to his companion, that had trusted too much upon the ostler's fidelity: What, said his companion, have the horses dined already? Yes, I believe yours has, replied he, for as I went down just now, I saw the Ostler takeing away.   

(97.)  
A Gentleman having lost his sight, his friends often asked how he could be so merry; Why, before; said he, I used to go alone, but now I have always company.   

(98.)  
Some merry companions having been at an ordinary all day, when by much drink they began to be mad, began at last to jeer one another concerning their Mistresses, whereat one struck the other a box in the ear, and all expected some bloody event; but the injured person demanded what the other meant, whether he were in jest or in earnest; In earnest, said the other, whose collar had carried him beyond the bounds of friendship. The other more considerate and loath to quarrel with his friend, 'Tis well you are; said he, for I like not such jesting.   

(99)  
In the flourishing time of Greece, when young Alexander made the world shake, and the war began to be waged against the Persian Monarchy, the timorous spies told one of Alexander's Captains, That the enemies, beside all their other militairy preparations, brought so many archers against him, as would darken the sky, and exclude the light of the sun; at which news nothing daunted, 'Tis good news for us, said he, that are in an hot country; for we shall fight in the shade.   

(100)  
In Naples a city of Italy, there happened in a great siege that endured long, that the Governor made a severe Order, That every man should be put to death, that being above such an age, did not wear a Sword; but not long after, as he was riding thro' the street, to see how well his order was put in execution, he spied a Gentleman without a sword, and commanded him to be brought before him, than was the order read, and he condemned to die the death appointed, which was to be hanged on the next sign post. The Gentleman, after he had pleaded several things in his own behalf, but could avail nothing; nevertheless desired this favour, that he might not die so ignominiously, but that the next Gentleman that passed, might run him through with his sword: the request being reasonable, was granted, and the execution prorogued till the next came. Now it happened that a young gallant was coming from a gaming house that way, that having lost all, so much as the blade of his sword, which was good merchandise at that time, did not dare, in regard of the severe order, to go home, until a wooden one was fitted to the handle: This Gentleman was stopped, and the dying man's case laid open; but this ingenious person, knowing his own insufficiency, What, said he, must I be a common executioner? Must I slain my hands in blood without passion? and be a reproach to all men? Nevertheless this argument availed nothing, and kill him he must: then putting off his cloak, he began a prayer to this effect, Thou who seest all the transactions here below, judge I pray thee, and vindicate the cause of those that suffer wrong; in especial manner grant that if this man here ought not to die, this sword may be turned into wood. Then drawing it forth, it appeared to be wood; wherefore the dying Gentleman was released immediately with abundance of joy, and the wooden sword was carried with great solemnity, and hung up in the cathedral Church, as a true link to the chain of Popish Miracles.   

(101.)  
In these late times every discourse being of preparations of war, and proceedings against the Dutch, amongst many other questions, one was so curious, as to ask one in the company why the Dutch were called butter-boxes? 'Tis, replied the other merrily, because they are spread over the whole world.   

(102.)  
A Valiant Captain, when some of his timorous companions, to hinder the joining of the battle, told him their enemies were three times as many as they. Are they so, said he, no whit dismayed, than I am very glad; for there are enough to be killed, enough to be taken prisoners, and enough to run away.   

(103.)  
One who had always been very jocose in his life time, when he lay on his deathbed, his chief Clerk came and desired he would leave him a legacy: Here, said he, giving him a key, in such a Drawer, there is that will make thee drink; not many hours after he died, and the youth greedily opening the Box, found nought there but two red herrings.   

(104)  
A merry Gentleman riding on the road, saw a boy foul his breeches: Why Sirrah, said he, are you not ashamed to make a fool in your breeches. Alas Sir, said he, you make a worse of your doublet, to button up such an Ass in it.   

(105.)  
Sir Roger Williams hearing a Spaniard foolishly brag of his country salads, gave him this answer, You have indeed good sauce in Spain, but we in England have dainty beefs, veals, and muttons, and as God made Beasts to live on Grass, so he made Men to live on Beasts.   

(106.)  
The Standards by comforting a natural that lay on his Deathbed, told, That four proper fellows should carry his body to the church; Yea, quoth he, but I had rather by half go thither myself.   

(107.)  
Were I a Prince, says a country boy; why what then? answered his companion: Oh than I would eat my belly full of bacon, and swing upon a gate all day long.   

(108.)  
Walking through the city in a great throng, a Person of Quality accidentally lost his watch out of his pocket, of which he complained to his friend; Alas Sir, said the other, who can help it, time will away.   

(109.)  
A learned Gentleman disputing concerning death, said, It was all one to live or to die. Why do you not die then? said another; Because, replied he, it is all one.   

(110.)  
A virtuous Gentleman being asked by a knave, what was Piety? What is that to you, said he, meddle with those things that concern you.   

(111.)  
A grave Citizen in London, though not so wise as he should be, talking with some of his Neighbours, concerning his Shop he had then newly rebuilt after the fire; Truly, said he, I think I have contrived it to the best advantage; for it h●●h the Morning Sun all day long in it.   

(112.)  
'Twas at first, when the fashion of white freeze came up amongst the Gentlemen, especially for riding suits, that a Wise-acre considering that it was then most in fashion, a lasting and serviceable garment, asked, If there were no black of that colour, for he had a great mind to have a coat made of it?   

(113.)  
Two men meeting in the street and quarrelling, it came so far at last that one gave the other a kick in the breech. The people much admired the others patience, inviting him to revenge that injury: What, says he, if an Ass kicks me, must I go to law with him.   

(114.)  
The day proveing very windy, wherein one was to perform his journey, who was scarce ever before farther than his street, his friends dissuaded him, saying, The wind would be very troublesome to him. Oh, let me alone, said he, I will ride out of the wind.   

(115.)  
One being demanded, Why learned men frequented rich men's palaces, but rich seldom visited the learned? answered, That the first knew what they wanted, the later did not.   

(116.)  
An impudent Strumpet seeing a poor Countryman receive ten pounds, seized on him, and brought him before the Judge, swearing he would have ravished her, nay that he did; insomuch that the poor man, who never had to do with her, notwithstanding all his innocence, could not clear himself of the accusation; and still she urged that he ought to marry her: so the business was put to a public Trial, where at last, I know not by what means, it was concluded that the man should give her ten pounds to clear the business. The poor man, after he had delivered her the money, made such unfeigned protestations of his innocence, that moved the Judge to pity, and to believe that he was indeed wronged; wherefore he said to the poor man, Go run after her quickly, and if thou canst get thy money from her, thou shalt have it; thus overtakeing her, he sets upon her, but proves so weak in the matter, that she beat him heavily within sight of all the people. Then the Judge commanded her to be brought back, and said, Could this man ravish thee, and thou art so able to resist him? Give him his money, and pay him all his charges; and for your wickedness I shall command that you be well whipped.   

(117.)  
A Carpenter being at work in a bowling Green, was asked, what he was about? I am a making, said he, a bench for the standers by, to sit upon.   

(118.)  
A Crew of boon companions, in the height of their mirth, began to be captious and quarrel; so Thomas threw a piece of a tobacco-pipe in John's face; but Thomas denied it and cleared himself. Well 'twas ill done of you Thomas though, quoth John, whoever did it.   

(119)  
Two scholars had made a match one night to go to steal rabbits in a Warren, the one that was set to watch, when the rabbits came, cried out, Ecce cuniculi multi; at which the coneys ran again into their burrows. The other, seeing the sport spoiled, chid him for so doing. Why who knew, says he, that they understood latin?   

(120.)  
One quarrelling in his cups with his companion at the tavern, was so furious and violent, that he would have beaten him immediately: and being hindered from striking by the rest of his company, You shall not think to escape so, said he, in a rage, I protest I will kick you down stairs wheresoever I meet you.   

(121.)  
One going a shooting in the hard weather, would have borrowed some money of his friend; You have no need of money, said the other merrily, for if in any place you have any thing to pay, you may leave your gun to discharge the shot.   

(122.)  
A wise Jndge, when a party had forged a Will, and many swore to it, that they were the last words that came out of the deceased persons mouth; in so much that the true heir was almost cast; But were they not put into his mouth? said he, which word silenced all, and recovered the estate.   

(123.)  
A proper young and handsome Gentleman fell in love with an old, rich, and miserable councillors only daughter, but despairing ever to get her father's consent, because of the inequality of his estate compared with hers; he made it his business first to make sure of her good will, and then he used this witty stratagem: He goes one day to her father, and clapping five Guineas into his hand, desired his best advice in the case he should acquaint him with, which was, That he loved a fair and young lady, had her consent, and nothing was wanting but the good will of her friends; which nevertheless he feared he could never obtain, for such certain reasons, without some subtle stratagem: The old man, on whom the gold began to work, in hopes of an other such fee, puts him off till the next day, that he might the better consider of the matter. The young Gentleman therefore failed not to return at the time appointed, with the other five Guineas to hasten the matter, whereupon the old Councillor told him there was but one way, that was, He should get the lady privately to be married to him; and to that end he would give him a note to a certain priest of his acquaintance, that should join them in Matrimony with all speed and secrecy. Thus the youngman by his subtlety out-witted the old Councillor, got a note under his own hand to marry his daughter, and then brought his Wife to ask her father's blessing: which stratagem so pleased the old man, that not respecting his sons low condition, he gave his Daughter a large Dowry.   

(124.)  
A Minister marrying a couple of his friends, told them afterwards in merriment, that if after they disliked, they should come to him again, and he would un-marry them. So this country Couple go home, and are very merry for the first weak or two; but at last, dissensions ariseing between them, they both came again to the priest to be divorced. Hereupon he fetcheth out a great hatchet, and asks who had the greatest desire to leave the other first? For, says he, I have married you till death you do depart; and therefore it is expedient that I kill one of you.   

(124.)  
One having a horse that was very hardy, and had but little stomach, thought with himself he might easily by degrees bring him to live without hay or oats, and so substracted daily something from his meat, till at last the horse died; and when afterwards he was carrying him out in a cart to lay him in the fields for the crows, and his neighbours asked him how his horse came to die? Why, I thought, said he, to have made him live on nothing; and just as I brought him to it, he died.   

(125)  
A wise Barber having been to trim a Doctor at night, was offered a candle to light him down stairs; which having taken, and light himself down, he brought up again, and returned thanks, and so went away in the dark.   

(126.)  
A Welshman hearing another Malefactor that was tried just before him, say, concerning a mare he had stolen, That he brought it up from a Colt; when he came to be examined of a sword he had sharked, said, That truly, by St. David, 'twas his own; for he bred it up of a Dagger.   

(127.)  
One seeing his son do untowardly, Why Sirrah, says he, did you ever see me do so, when I was a Boy?   

(128.)  
The Gardiner's place of a College being void, a certain person put in for it; the Dean asked him if he understood Gardening? No truly, replied he, but I will hire one to do the work. Nay then, said he, you cannot expect to have the place▪ and so sent him away. But as he was going through the Court, he calls after him, Now it comes in my mind, says he, there is a place void, which I think would do very well for you; and that is the Greek Professor's. Alas Sir, said the man, I understand not that language. Oh but, replied the Dean, you may hire one to do the work for you.   

(129.)  
I see you do all under colour, said the Glazier to the Painter, seeing him daubing some rails, Go your ways for a rogue, replied he, You'll never leave picking quarrels.   

(130.)  
A Fool that owed a Carpenter a shrewd good turn, finding him one day a sleep upon a form, took the axe and cut off his head; then came into the house laughing: whereof when he was asked the reason, It is, said he, to think how the Carpenter will look for his head when he wakes.   

(131.)  
A Maid accused a Youth for ravishing her before the Justice, This is a great crime, said he, indeed; and did he never lie with you before? If he did, then then Yes, if it please you Sir, said she, at least six or seven times.   

(132.)  
One said to his friend, Sir you are as wise as Solomon. The other replied, And you are as wise as Socrates. Why Socrates? Because, said he, Sciebat tantum se nihil scire.   

(133.)  
At a Feast, where many Citizens and their Wives were met, the chief of their discourse being about Cuckolds; one asked the reason why the men wore the horns, when the women only were in fault? That is, said another, because the man is the head, and where would you have the horns grow else.   

(134.)  
One told his friend merrily he was bewitched, for as much as his head was all in one lump. And you my friend, replied the other, I am afraid are mad; for your heart is not on the right side.   

(135.)  
A Clown bringing a letter to a Gentleman's house, delivered it in haste to a great Baboon that stood at the door in a scarlet laced coat; the Baboon soon tears the letter to pieces. The Gentleman having heard of the business, when he met the Countryman next, began to scold at him bitterly for not bringing him the letter. I will assure you, replied the peasant, I delivered it your Son at the door. My son, says the Gentleman, you fool, 'twas a Baboon. Truly, answered he, I thought it was your Son, he was so like you.   

(136.)  
An English Merchant tradeing at Amsterdam, was to sell a thousand pounds worth of gloves to certain Jews, and had agreed upon the price: but the Jews recanting of the bargain, when they brought their money would have but half. Well, said the English Merchant, than you must give me a little time to sort them, and you shall have half; so he commanded his men to put all the right-handed ones in one parcel, and the left in another: then when the Jews came, he bid them take their choice, which being made, and the money paid, they began to pack them up; but percieveing at last they were all for one hand, they were forced to come and buy the rest at the Merchant's rate.   

(137.)  
'Tis reported of King James, that when a Gentleman made as though he took a louse off his arm, he gave him twenty pounds, saying it was a Gentleman's companion. Whereupon, to make the King merry, he said, That he would maintain a Louse to be the nimblest and the slowest of all Animals; the strongest and the weakest; the worst and the best. The nimblest, says he, because let me go never so fast, it never deserts me; the slowest, because if I will pull it out of my head and lay it down, it can never overtake me; the strongest, because if a house fall on me, yet 'tis ten to one if the Louse be killed and knocked in the head; the weakest, because I can kill it with my thumb; the worst companion, because it always preys upon me; and the best, because it always accompanies me in my adversity.   

(138.)  
Tom the Barber seeing his neighbour cut down a pear tree, desired him to let him have some of it; Why what use would you put it to? said he. I would, replied he, only make a few box combs.   

(139.)  
A Clown coming to London, read on a Signpost, Here are horses to be let 1677. Cuds life▪ said he, if there are so many horses in one Inn, how many are there in all the City?   

(140.)  
A covetous Gentleman, and one of no great wisdom, whom avarice had bereft of right understanding, hearing his Stewards say, he had killed him a Bullock against the holidays; What, said he, do you mean to undo me by such extravagant expenses; I will have but half an one killed at a time.   

(141)  
A witty, though unfortunate fellow, having tried all trades, but thriveing by none, took the pot for his last refuge, and set up an Alehouse, with the sign of the Shirt; writing under it▪ This is my last shift: which brought him much company and much profit.   

(142)  
A Gentleman reprehended a certain Lawyer for tarrying so long in the country from his wife, saying, That in his absence she might want due benevolence. Why Sir, replied the Lawyer, I shall give it her in full measure, when I return; and put the case, any one owed you an hundred pounds, whether had you rather have it all together, or shilling by shilling? That is very true indeed, replied the other, one would rather have one's money all together; yet it would vex you if your wife in your absence should want a shilling.   

(143.)  
One meeting Bonner, that had been once Bishop of London, said, Good morrow Bishop quondam; whereupon he replied presently, Adieu Knave semper.   

(144.)  
Hugh Peter's preaching of Faith and Hope, after a long and tedious discourse, forgot Charity; for he called out to a woman, that was talking with her neighbour, to leave bableing. Beshrew thy heart, said she, who babbles most thou or I?   

(145.)  
The same man having newly hoped from the Stall to the Pulpit, instead of the Priest offered up a pair of Doves for a Peace-offering, read, he offered up a pair of Gloves and a piece of Fringe.   

(146.)  
Some boon companions being merry at a Tavern, every one began to commend one sort of wine or other; one especially stood up for Sack that 'twas a good cordial, and wovid make one fat; Nay rather, says another, 'twill make one lean. How so? Upon a Staff.   

(147.)  
A Gentleman meeting his friend, who had a very pretty Lackey, asked him where he was? Alas Sir, said he, death hath sent him on an errand. And what is become of your Nag Sir, you came upon? Why he is foundered. Why then, replied the other, he hath served you right, to make you go on foot, since you made him lame.   

(148.)  
One who formerly dwelled in the city of London, said, That truly the city was a gallant place, but the air was very foggy, and agreed not with him; and he did really think, that had he lived there till this time, that he had died seven years ago.   

(149.)  
A Papist, as their usual manner is, asked a Protestant where his Religion was before Luther? Why in the Bible, answered he, where yours never was.   

(150.)  
A Scotchman presented King James with a Turnip of an extraordinary and prodigious size; which is a root the Scotchmen love very much. The King pleased with the humour, gave him an hundred pounds, which another courtier seeing, If the King, thought he, reward a Turnip-giver so liberally, what will he do to him that offers a greater present; and thereupon presents the King with a very excellent Race-horse, wherefore the King turning to his Nobles, said, What shall we give this man? and when all were silent, By my soul men, said he, let us give him the Turnip.   

(151.)  
When Metellus Nepos asked Cicero the Roman Orator, in a jeering way, who was his father? he replied, Thy Mother hath made that question harder for thee to answer.   

(152.)  
King James, of happy memory, considering one day the vanity of his Courtiers in applauding still all his actions, very seriously about noon looked up to heaven out of a window; and demanded of those that were about him, Whether they saw not a star near such a cloud? for, he said, he was confident he did. Whereupon every one looking up, began to deliver their opinions thus, one said, he saw it, and that 'twas a little bright star; another, that it twinkled very much, etc. every one with a several addition, concluded positively as he said: whereupon he said, How infortunate a man am I, to have so many fools to my Councillors; no wiser men, than right and wrong to say as I say.   

(153.)  
A witty fellow in London, took one day many Ram's Horns in his basket, and went up and down the city crying, New fruit, New fruit, in the Winter. This made many people, and amongst the rest, a Lawyer, to call him; saying, You fool, who do you think will buy your horns? Oh Sir, replied he, though you are provided, yet I may meet with some that are not.   

(154.)  
A Gentleman coming into London out of the Country, as he came by New Chapel, his horse threw him; which a young Gentlewoman seeing, fell a laughing. The gentleman being angry that she jeered him, said, Pray wonder not at this, Madam, my horse always stumbles when he sees a whore. To which she answered merrily, Have a care then▪ Sir, for if you ride into the city, you will break your neck.   

(155.)  
Three Drunkards having been late a drinking, and knowing what a peal their wives would ring them when they came home, laid a wager among themselves of ten pounds a man, that they would all obey what their wives first commanded them; So coming to the first man's house, his wife had prepared a good staff for him, and as soon as he came home, fell upon him; he stepping back, trodden upon an earthen dish, and broke it. Ay you Rogue, said his wife, do, go, break all. So he up with his staff, and broke the windows, and all the pots, till at last she beat him out of doors. Then they went to the second's house, his wife was of the same temper, and fell upon him, that striveing for haste to get away, he let a fart: Ay, go shit, you drunken Rogue, said his wife, go. So he down with his breeches and shit in the room. Then they went to the third's house, where the Goodman being pretty well in drink, he stumbled over the threshold: Ay, you drunken rogue, said his wife, go, break your neck, do. A pox on you for a whore, said he, you have made me lose my wager.   

(156.)  
A certain old man, a poor labourer of the country, seeing the Archbishop of Cologn to ride thro' the fields, armed, and accompanied with armed forces, fell out in a loud laughing: Whereupon being demanded why he laughed, he answered, Because he wondered that St. Peter, Christ's Vicar in the Church, being exceeding poor, had left his successor so rich and wealthy; and that his train should be more furnished with men at arms than with Churchmen. The Archbishop desired that the fellow should have better knowledge of him in his place and dignity; and told him that he was not only an Archbishop but a Duke also; and that as a Duke he road so accompanied with a train of men at arms: but when he was in his church, than he was attended on as an Archbishop. Sir, said the labourer, I pray tell me, when my Lord Duke shall be with the Devil, what will become of the Archbishop?   

(157.)  
In the city of Constantinople a certain Christian desired to borrow of a Jew the sum of five hundred Ducats. The Jew lent them unto him, with condition, that for the use of the money, he should at the end of the term give him two ounces of his flesh, cut off in some one of his members. The day of payment being come, the Christian repaid the five hundred Ducats to the Jew, but refused to give him any part of his flesh. The Jew not willing to lose his interest, convented the Christian before Sultan Soliman, Emperor of the Turks, who having heard the wicked demand of the one, and the answer of the other, commanded a razor to be brought and to be given to the Jew, to whom he said, Because thou shalt know that Justice is done thee, take there the razor and cut from the flesh of the Christian two ounces, which thou demandest; but take heed thou cut neither more nor less; for if thou dost, thou shalt surely die. The Jew holding that to be a thing impossible, durst not adventure, but acquitted the Christian his interest.   

(158.)  
The Duke of Milan being besieged in a Castle by the Florentines; one day as he sat at dinner, he could not away, but fell in mislike with the taste of the victuals that were set before him; insomuch that he chid his Cook, and was very angry with him. But the witty cook willing to justify himself from blame, said unto the Duke, My Lord, your meat is well enough dressed, but the Florentines have put your mouth out of taste.   

(159.)  
A Scottish Minister being Chaplain to an English Regiment of foot, in the time of the Rump-Parliament at St. edmond's Bury in Suffolk; as he was preaching to them, said, Good Lord bless the grand Council above (viz. the Parliament) and grant they may awe hang together: which a country fellow that stood underneath hearing, said, Yes Sir with all my heart, and the sooner the better; and I am sure 'tis the prayers of all good people. But good friends, says the Parson, I do not mean as that naughty man means; but I pray that they may all hang to gether in accord and concord: Yes, says the fellow again, In any cord so it be a strong cord: And when he had so said, he slipped away from the company; at last being searched for by the chief officer there, they could not find him: How, says he, is he slipped away; if he had not he should have had the slip bestowed upon him, for his unreverend language to the Parliament.   

(160.)  
A Cobbler was sitting in his shop a singing merrily, his song was this; Tamburlaine was and he was, and Tamburlaine was and he was; and continued so singing, and nothing else, many times together; which a Gentleman that past by took notice of, and said to the Cobbler, Prithee friend, says the Gentleman, what was he? why, says the Cobbler, as arrant a fool as yourself, for aught I know: Sirrah, says the Gentleman, you are a rascal, come out and I'll kick you; no Sir, says he, 'tis no matter, I thank you for your love as much as if I had it, for I don't want kicking: Sirrah, says the Gentleman again, Come out and I'll give you a kick; No Sir, says he, you need not trouble yourself, I won't come if you'd give me two.   

(161.)  
A Gentleman was riding through a forest in Oxford Shire, where two supposed cripples begged something of him; he put his hand in his pocket, and bid them give him a groat and he would give them six pence, which they did▪ and when he had the groat, he road away with it; with that one of them swore a great oath, saying, Cut thy girth Tom, cut thy girth, you rogue, and let us after him; And though he gollopt a good pace away, yet they were so nimble (and so by consequence Cripples) that they overtook him as he was opening a gate, and had almost laid hold on him; that the Gentleman, for his security was forced to throw two or three Shillings down on the ground, and whilst they were scrambling for that he got away.   

(162.)  
Of a Fellow that had never a nose, a roguish Beggar begged an alms, and still as he begged, he prayed for his eyesight; he asked him what he meant by that, he told him that he hoped his eyesight would never fail; For if it does, says he, you are in a most miserable condition; for there is no place to ffx a pair of spectacles on.   

(163.)  
An Apothecary in Oxford spoke to a Countryman, by way of jeer, to bring him some live rats, and he would give him eighteen pence a piece for them: and a fortnight after he brought them, and then the Apothecary told him that he was provided the day before: the country fellow seeing he was abused, was resolved to be quit with him: saying, I am unwilling (seeing I have brought them) to carry them back again, and told him he would take three pence out in physic at some time or other; and so opened his bag and let them about the shop; which did so whisk up and down the Shelus, that in a little space he broke him about 40 pots and glasses, and could never be rid of them since. Probatum est.   

(164.)  
A French man was scoffing at the English men's humours, because they did so admire their nation; Faith friends, says the English man, you are mistaken, for we in England so esteem you, as you in France do our hounds, for pleasure.   

(165.)  
A Fanatic did lately extremely exclaim against the Surplice in the church, but a little after he was catched a-bed with one of his holy Sisters; and in the same place where he would not have a Surplice worn, he poor heart was forced there to wear a Sheet.   

(166.)  
Count Gundamore, being Ambassador for the King of Spain in England, and being jesting with King James and speaking in latin, did many times speak false latin: What, says the King, how comes it that you break Priscian's head so often, being Ambassador to so great a King, as you say your Master is? O Sir, says he, your Majesty must know that I speak Latin like a King; but your Majesty speaks Latin like an Ambassador.   

(167.)  
The State of Genoa sent an Ambassador to the Duke of Milan, who was then the Protector to Genoa; who could not by all the means he could make get audience: who finding he was delayed, and abused, upon St. John Baptists day, who was the Protector of Milan, he presented the Duke with a golden vessel full of Basilisque; being asked the reason, he said, The Genevois have the property of the herb Basilisque, which if handled gently would yield a sweet smell; but if rubbed too hard, or trod upon, it will engender Serpents. Which witty passage made the Duke give him audience, and did his business what he came for.   

(168.)  
A Woman that had a good handsome young daughter, sent her to her Landlord at New-years-tide with a New-years-gift, and he being a lusty Bachelor, and loved a pretty Lady besides, seeing the Maid to be handsome, with some importunity and some gratuity, got her consent, that she proved with-child; for whose maintenance and Mothers too, he paid for: and then hearing of a lusty young woman and rich, that lived hard by him, he became a Suitor to her in marriage; to which she easily condescended: and on that day that they were to be married, the other that he had got with-child before, came to the church also to see the wedding with her child in her arms; and all the while they were in the church, that woman would dandle her child up and down in her arms, and sometimes look upon her Landlord and sometimes on her child, with a smiling countenance; which that woman that was that day to be married to him observing, told him plainly, that she would not be married till he gave her satisfaction concerning that woman and her child: he put her off still with excuses, but at last he told her he would tell her the truth if she would not take it ill: No, says she, I will not, let it be what it will. Why then, says he, I got her with-child, and that is the child in her arms: Puh, says she, is that all, I had one a twelve month ago by a Londoner that lodged at our house: Say you so, says he, than I faith I'll marry a Whore of my making rather than of another man's; and so called the Woman to him that had the child in her arms, and married her presently.   

(169.)  
A rich Knight in the country, that was covetous withal, had a daughter whose name was Grace, that was very handsome, and indeed of good humour, witty, and well-bred, which a young man had a kindness for; but having no fortune, durst not presume further than joking: and having heard the Knight say, that he would make his Daughter worth 2000 pounds, he in a frolic comes to him, and knowing him to be very covetous, told him that he knew how to save him 500 pounds, in a business; and this young man was a lawyer's Clerk, and therefore he thought he might discover something about the law wherein he might stand him in some stead, and so bid him very welcome, and invited him to dinner; and after dinner bid his wife give him some sweetmeats, and the wet went into his mouth, but the dry made a sally into his pocket; and after having filled both belly, pockets, and mind with good meat, sweatmeats, and good welcome, the Knight told his wife what a good friend he was to him, and how he knew that he could save him 500 pounds in a business, which made his wife the more earnest to know it; and being all three sat down in the couch together, and Mrs. Grace in another chair by, the Knight asked him wherein he could do him that courtesy as he spoke of? Why thus I can do it Sir, says he, I am certainly informed that you will give in marriage with your daughter Grace 2000 pounds, and I am willing to take her with 1500 pounds. The Knight hearing what he said, began to curse and swear, than the Gentleman thanked him for his sweetmeats; no, says he, thank my wife for them: but after that, for the conceits sake, Mrs. Grace had a great kindness for him; for fear of which they instantly clapped up a match for her; but 'tis confidently said that the lawyer's clerk (who indeed was a gentleman) made her frequent visits, and with allowance, of the female, but whether of the new married male, I know not.   

(170.)  
A Lady in this Kingdom hearing that a Lady that was a person of quality, did much long for Oysters, she then sent a footman of hers, that was an Irish man, to the said Lady with a barrel of oysters; and as he was going, he met an arch wag by the way, who asked him whither he was going? then he told him: O Donnel, says he, you must gut them before you go, or else, they will poison the Lady: I predde, says he, show me how to do it? so the fellow took them and opened them, and took out all the oysters and put them into a wooden dish that was by, and then put all the shells again into the barrel: Now, says he, you may carry them, for they are all gutted: E faith, said Donnel, for this kindness I'll give thee a pint of wine out of the vails that I shall have of my lady: but I know not how they were accepted.   

(171.)  
Two Widows that were devilish scolds and very litigious, had spent great store of money in law about a frivolous thing: a friend comes to one of them, and told her that her enemy had removed her suit into the chancery: Well, says that virago, let her remove it to hell, I am sure I shall have a lawyer to follow it; for I am sure some of'em has followed me to hell for a dinner.   

(172.)  
One was telling his friend that he would repent one day for wearing his hair so long, unless he had a mind to be a friar; for those which do wear long hair, are in the readiest way to enjoy bald crowns, without the help of a barber; and also would say, You loved hunting, for there went the hair away.   

(173.)  
A Gentleman hearing that a fellow had called him knave, by chance met him, and asked him, Whether he thought he was a knave or not? Says the fellow, If I should say no, I should be very unmannerly with your Worship. Why unmannerly? says the Gentleman. Truly, says the fellow, because I am very unwilling to give a Gentleman of your quality the lie.   

(174.)  
A modest Gentlewoman being compelled by her Mother to accuse her husband of defect; and being in the court, she humbly desired of the Judge, That she might write her mind, and not to speak it, for modesty's sake: The Judge gave her that liberty, and a clerk was presently commanded to give her pen, ink and paper; whereupon she took the pen without dipping of it into the ink, and made as if she would write; says the clerk to her, Madam, There's no ink in your pen. Truly Sir, says she, that's just my case, and therefore I need not to explain myself any further.   

(175.)  
A man came to be confessed by a grey friar, and among the rest of his iniquities, did confess that he had lain with a pretty young woman. In what place? says the friar: In a goodly chamber, says he. Where there? says the friar: in a soft bed, says he. How long? says the friar: Why all night long, says he; and each of us had brought in the morning an excellent caudle, wherein was Ambergris: By St. Francis, says the friar, thou wast well at ease.   

(176.)  
A Gentleman that used to be smart in his repartees, once had in his hat a very gallant and rich knot, or favour of gold and silver ribbon; which some young ladies had a mind to, if they could get it handsomely without begging of it; and so one of them said to him: Sir, you have a very fine favour in your hat; and so they said all. Pray Madam, says he to the first, tell me truly do you like it: Yes indeed Sir, says she. Why then, says he, if you had not liked it I would have flung it into the fire, but since you say you do like it; I protest I like it the better, and am resolved to keep it for your sakes.   

(177.)  
A Gentleman that had a great wit, and well beloved among the great ones, and therefore invited often among them; but it seems had a very sore leg: he being at a Noble man's table, greedily catched at a goblet of wine. Says my lord to him, Prithee Jack drink it not, for 'twill hurt thy leg. O my Lord, says he, take no care for my leg, for I have care enough of that, for I always drink o'th' tother side.   

(178.)  
A drunken fellow in the streets met with an ancient acquaintance of his, and desired him to lend him an angel, and I don't doubt but I shall pay you within a month again; he asked him how? he told him he had a great swelling in his neck, and he hoped it was the Kings-Evil, which if it were, than the King would give him an angel, with which he would pay him.   

(179.)  
An English man that had a brave horse that did show most excellent tricks, almost to the amazement of every body; and being showing the tricks of his horse at Paris in France; they seemed so strange to the French, that they told him in plain terms 'twas not done without the help of the Devil; and the Monks and Friars caused him to be apprehended for a Conjurer than he desired he might send for his hor●e and he would convince them of their error: The horse being come, he bid one of the Friars hold a crucifix to him; which was no sooner done, but the horse kneeled down before it, which made them marvel and say, The beast was inspired; and not only released him, but feasted him and his horse, and gave him a gratuity and great commendations besides. And might not he then say, Godamercy Horse.   

(180.)  
An Old man being to swear in a cause before a Judge, the Judge bid him beware that he did not forswear himself; and told him if he did, he might be confident the devil would have him. Truly, my Lord, says he, I hope the devil will have nothing to do with me, for I have given him my eldest son already; and I hope he will content himself with him, for I think one out of a family is enough for him; then the Judge bid him explain himself more clearly: Why truly my Lord, I have made my eldest son a Lawyer, for I believe that all of that profession goes to the devil: for the Devil himself you know it is said has been a Lawyer from the beginning: A Liar you mean, says the Judge: Why, says he, a Lawyer and a Liar is all one I hope, or else we are all mistaken in our opinions.   

(181.)  
A lusty Widow about forty five years old, yet it seems had a mind to another husband; and she lived about four miles from High-wickam, a market town in Buckingham-shire, and having one market sent her maid to the market at Wickham, about some business; the maid it seems stayed longer than ordinary abroad, and when she came home, her Mistress asked her what was the cause of staying so long at market? I profess I'll bang your coat for it: Pray Mrs. Forsooth, says she, hear me but speak first and I don't doubt but to give you satisfaction: Come you Jade, speak quickly then Why Forsooth, says she, there was the finest Proclamation that ever I heard in my life: What Proclamation you Quean, speak quickly; Why forsooth, 'Twas that every woman that had a little mouth, should have two husbands: With that the Widow being very much pleased with the news, began to purse and draw up her sweet mouth: And saying, O, 'twas a pretty Proclamation, a brave Proclamation, an excellent Proclamation: I but Forsooth, says she, I'll tell you more news than all this: There was another Proclamation; What was that? says the Widow, Why forsooth, those that have a wide mouth shall have three husbauds. With that she began to widen her lovely mouth: saying, Whaw, whaw, whaw, what a brave Proclamation is that indeed. And so every day after enlarged her mouth by degrees, that her neighbours might take notice of it; and so gave in her name to the next Justice accordingly.   

(182.)  
A Knight's son in the west, who was indeed his Father's only child, and so gave him a little more liberty than ordinary, and he was rather a lover of the State of Venus— than Genoa, and did often haunt the young girls thereabouts; but especially one above the rest, which was a very pretty maid, and about eighteen years of age, and a Farmer's Daughter, who was his father's Tenant; which gave him the more liberty to have free egress and regress thither; and having importuned the Maid very much, yet she would never grant: at last he promised her marriage, upon which he had his desire, and the maid was with-child: but his father and mother fearing he might make up a match there, by his going so often thither, sent to another Knight that lived four miles off, to treat between their daughter and his son, which was a pretty woman also; which they suddenly consented to, and the marriage day appointed; and on the marriage day, when he was riding with his man thither, the farmer and his daughter waylaid him under an hedge, and asked him what recompense he should have for the wrong he had done his daughter? Well, says he, there's fifty pound for you in gold, and I now will give you a bond for fifty pound more to be paid in six months, so you will be contented. So under the hedge the bond was making, and the people at the Bridehouse wondering at his so long stay, sent a man to inquire after him, and when he came, he found him a uniting under the hedge with the farmer and his daughter; and when he had done, he went his way to the Bridehouse as fast as he could gallop: and the farmer and his daughter seeing they could not help themselves, put up their pipes and went home; at last they were married, had dined and supped, and when they were in bed together; he began to kiss her: Pray, says she, let me ask you a question, first, what made you under the hedge with the farmer and his daughter so long? Why, says he, it does not concern you at all. Well, says she, I will know, or else you and I shall be at a distance. Why, says he, if you won't be angry I'll tell you: Well I will not, says she, let it be what it will: Why then, says he, I got the farmer's daughter with-child, and she was such a fool to tell her father of it: By my troth, says she, she was a fool indeed; for my father's man got me with-child above a twelve month ago, and you are the first that ever I told of it; Tarbox for that beloved.   

(183.)  
Two Gentlemen it seems one night quarrelled at gaming, and overnight one sent the other a challenge to meet him by six a clock to morrow morning at such a place, upon his honour: Hang honour, says he, for we both are but worshipful▪ and withal tell him 'tis not my custom (and I also know 'tis not his) to rise before eleven or twelve a clock, and bid him consider with himself whether we should break our rest to break our limbs? The other sent him word, that if he did not meet him, he'd post him. Well, says he, tell him if he does, I'll ride post out of town, and there stay till his fury is over. So we see that some are in posthaste to fight, and some in posthaste to ride away.   

(184.)  
A man when he is married turns his walking staff into a fixed stake, for then his condition is not ambulatory but settled and fixed; that is (as I humbly concieve) if he be fixed to a good woman, if not; then all the months in the year may be March to him; that is may be blustering, which will certainly put him into a marching condition again.   

(185.)  
An impudent drunken fellow came to an hones; 't sober man and did abuse him at so large a rate, that he began to be concerned for it: Puh, says another, 'tis no matter what a Drunkard says in his drink; for he seldom speaks any thing he can stand to: Why then, says the tother very soberly, if he cannot stand to it, than he lies.   

(186.)  
When King Charles the first was Prince, when he first landed at his coming from Spain, it reigned and thundered four or five hours together: Says a Recusant to a Protestant, You see how the heavens are disturbed and displeased that the Prince should come so soon from that blessed Catholic country: O Sir, says t'other, there's your misinterpretation of it, and so by consequence mistake; for the heavens for very joy that the Prince is come from that Heretical country, shoots its ordinance together, and likewise the earth hath pledged the King's health for four or five hours together: what think you now Sir?   

(187.)  
A man in a bitter cold winter night, was passing through the street, and seeing all a bed, and no candle in any window neither; then he bethought himself of this project; for he then went up and down crying fire, fire, which made several come to the windows: They asked him where? where? He told them that he did not know, for if he did, he would go to't to warm himself: For, says he, I am devilish cold.   

(188)  
A merry wag at Wolvercot near Oxford, met a Countryman going thither with a goose to sell; but he had agreed with a comrade of his to say 'twas an owl: so he asked him how he sold his owl? he said 'twas a goose, and t'other an owl: So they argued a good while together, at last says the wag, we'll be tried by the next man we meet: Content, says the countryman; and if he says 'tis an owl, I'll lose it; but if he says 'tis a goose, than you shall give me half a crown for the goose, and I'll keep it too. Content, says the wag▪ So going on, they met as by accident, his afore said comrade; and after some debate, he plainly said it was an owl; and so they got the goose. So the Countryman as he went alone, began at last to think he was cheated; and was resolved to study for a revenge: and about a week after he comes to Oxford again, and brought a pot of supposed honey with him to sell: so the wag spying him in the market, asked him how he sold his honey? He said 'twas Sir-reverence. Tother said 'twas honey, but the man said 'twas Tutor ... and so they argued a great while; at last he bought it of him, saying, Let it be what it will, I'll buy it: and when he came home to open it, he found it was true what the man said; only the top for an inch deep covered with honey: and when he had got his money, thought he to himself now I am quit with you▪ for the case is All turd now.   

(189.)  
An ancient harmless Gentleman (and therefore harmless, because he was toothless) being at breakfast with some others, among which was a young, brisk and smart Lady that sat next to him; and among other dishes of meat, there was a lusty collar of brawn, and the old man having a piece of it on his trencher, which you know is a slippery meat, and he putting a piece of it into his chaps, it quickly slipped out again upon the lady's trencher aforesaid; She presently fell a laughing, and gave him a pin to fasten his mouth, that no more should come out in that manner; and with laughing so heartily at the conceit, made an escape behind; which the old man hearing, presently gave her the pin back again: telling her that place was the most fit to be fastened.   

(190.)  
A wild Fellow in the Rumps time being brought before a renowned Justice, in the morning before his worship had drank his morning draught, and to that end there stood a silver Beaker of ale, nutmeg, and sugar ready; and after his examination, says the Justice to him, Is this true what they say against you? (the fellow being a t'other side the table) True Sir, says he; and with that whipped into his hand the silver beaker aforesaid, and said, if it be true, I wish this Beaker may never go through me; and so drank it up: Now Sir, says he, I hope you will not believe them, but me hereafter.   

(191.)  
A Country woman that lived at Headington, near Oxford, and upon a Sunday, she being not well, bid her maid go to church that afternoon; and after Sermon was done, her dame asked her what was the Text? She said, Truly forsooth Dame the Text was said before I came. Well, says she, what said he in the middle of his Sermon? Truly, says she, I was asleep then. Well what did he say at the latter end then? Indeed forsooth, says she, I went away before 'twas done. Well, howsoever I will have you tell me something of it. What, says she, d'ye think I am a blab of my tongue? No I warrant you, I was better bred than so.   

(192.)  
A man it seems that had to his wife as good a woman as any was in England, but for whoring, lying, swearing, nastiness, and other such small infirmities: which made him define a woman rightly as he thought: Says he, Women are born in Wiltshire, brought up in Cumberland, lead their lives in Bedfordshire (that is be in Cloth-fair near Smithfield, till twelve a clock every day) then bring their Husbands to Buckinghamshire, and die in Shrewsburie.   

(193.)  
A Gallant had marched in a bitter cold night up and down several streets to get him a lodging, but no body would open to him; some perhaps not knowing him, and some perchance too well; at last he bethought himself of getting a lodging a new kind of way, and so went to the watch at Temple Bar, and there called 'em all rogues and other vile names, for which they had him to the Counter; the next morning he was brought before the Alderman of the Ward, and he said to him, Me thinks you look something like a Gentleman, pray what was your reason to abuse the Constable and his Watch thus without cause? Truly Sir, says he, I will tell you the truth; I had gone from street to street that bitter night to get some lodging, but could find none: at last I thank 'em they brought me to the Counter, where I had a good fire, good drink, and a good bed; for which courtesy I do here give them a Crown: and this I'll assure you Sir was the cause and nothing else; and so he had his release.   

(194.)  
An ingenious young man that was set to a Borrding School to learn latin and to write, and after he had been there more than two years, his father sent him a letter that he should write to him, that he might see how he had profited both in his learning and his writing; and so very Scholastically directs his letter to his father thus, To my most obedient Father, which is my Mother's Husband, at the house where they live: Says a man to him, They won't find the house by this direction: Puh, says he, no body but knows my father's house, for if I were in the Town I could find it myself, and yet I have not been there this two years: and at the end he subscribed thus, I cease ever to be your dutiful Son: and so forth.   

(195.)  
Two Oxonians were in a very great dispute there concerning the Man in the Moon, whether a Gentleman or a Citizen? and after a great deal of Pros and Con's between them, one of them solved it thus, that when the Moon was at full, then there was a Gentleman in her, but when she appeared with two horns, than he might be confident there was a Citizen in her; and that they were lunatic that did not believe it: the Spanish Count de Luna being at that time come to take a view of Oxford, and to confirm it.   

(196.)  
A Frenchman, as I hear, coming late by Ludgate one night; says one of the Watch to him, Stand and come before the Constable. Begar, says he, that is very pretty; I cannot stand and come before the Constable too. Stand, I say, says another, and come before the Constable. At which the Frenchman laughed heartily, saying, Begar des mwn be all ingenious, stand and come before the Constable; at last the Constable appears, Sir, says he, whither are you going? Begar dats very pretty too. Mr. Constable I love you very much, great deal well, cause you be so like my wife; for when I go out a door, she says▪ Husband whether are you going? just like you Mr. Constable. Sir, says he, whither are you going now? Begar Mr. Constable me be going dear where you dare not go. Where's that? says the Constable. Why begar, says he, to bed to my own wife. Mark you dat Mr. Constable: and still laughed on, that the Constable to be rid, as he thought, of such impertinency, let him go.   

(197.)  
King James being in his progress at Woodstock in Oxfordshire, the King finding it to rain so one morning that he could not ride a hunting; had got some of the Nobility and Gentry together, resolving to be merry: And one humour was, that the King having that morning a fine curvetting Horse given him, which kind of horse he never liked in his life; told them that he that could tell the greatest lie should have that Horse: So one told one lie, and another another; and several had told others, that there was great laughing; and just in the midst of this mirth in comes a country fellow complaining to the King that some of his servants had wronged him: Well, well, says the King, we'll hear you of that anon: Come, come hither amongst us, and you must know that he that can tell the greatest lie shall have that Horse: Truly Sir, says he, an't please your Grace I never told a lie in all my life: With that says the King, Give him the Horse, give him the Horse; for I am sure that is the greatest lie that has been told to day.   

(198.)  
A Man that had been a four years' voyage at Sea, and when he came home, his dear and virtuous wife coming to meet and welcome him home, brought a little boy in her arms of a twelve month old; which he percieveing, Umph, says he: And umph, says she, again, you might have come home sooner then: Why, says he, I came home as soon as my conveniency would give me leave: Well, says he, whose child is this? Why mine, says she, and that that is mine is yours, for I can lawfully call nothing my own but my Ring, Fillet and Hair-lace, and therefore the child is yours: How will you prove it, says he? Why thus, says she, here hold it in your Arms; and as he took it, Now, says she, I freely give it you: Nay now, says he, I am satisfied, and know 'tis mine; therefore prithee get it a good Nurse: for I'll have none of my children that comes so easily to be nursed at home.   

(199)  
A Fanatic Doctor in the time of the Rump-Parliament, that formerly had written a Book, That Sunday was no Sabbath; and he meeting with another in the Fields that knew the Doctor, but the Doctor not him: so the Doctor and he being alone, took him to be an illiterated fellow, and there began to catichize him, and asked him a many questions; and one among the rest was, How many Commandments there were? He studied a little while, at last he told him there was eight commandments: Yes, says the Doctor, I thought how well you were principled: Well, says he, which are the eight? So he named all but the Second and the Fourth: Then he asked him his reason for leaving the other two out: He told him he left none out of himself, but the Papists had left out the Second▪ and there's a Doctor, I know not what the pox you call his name has left out the other (and we are to believe all wise men) who says, The Sunday is no Sabbath: and so whipped away from him. The Doctor then called him again: No, says he, you that will steal away one of our Commandments, may rob me for aught I know.   

(200.)  
A pretty Maid having her Valentine pinned on her sleeve, a Gentleman said, Sweetheart, is your waistcoat to be let? Yes, says she, 'tis to be let alone. Well, says he, I am content to let your waistcoat alone, but not your Petticoat, if you please.   

(201.)  
A Merchant asked a Sailer, why he would marry, seeing long absence would make his Wife Cornute him? O, says he, Sir, that's done while you do but walk to the Exchange.   

(202.)  
One being burnt by a whore, came to ask a benevolence; and gave a good reason for it, saying, He had lost all he had by fire.   

(203.)  
One told a little man that he was a Pigmy, a pitiful little fellow: Truly, says he, I confess I am but little, for I had but one father, it may be you had more.   

(204)  
A scoffing Lady told a simple Gentleman, that his wit was pretty: Why so? says he: Because, says she, all that is little is pretty.   

(205.)  
In a Plague-time one night, a Constable heard a woman beating of her Husband: he presently put a red Cross on the door, saying, There could not be a greater plague than that.   

(206.)  
The Italian Proverb is, Three Women make a Market with their chatting: Zounds, says a fellow, if my wife had been there, it had been a fair.   

(207.)  
The Franciscan-Friars are to carry no money about them, and a Dominican desired the Franciscan to carry him over the water on his back; and being on's back in the water, he asked him whether he had any money about him: Yes, says the other, But our Order allows us to carry no money about us: and so let him down in the water.   

(208.)  
Nells' Husband complained, that his wife brought him nothing: You lie like a rogue, says she; for I bring you boys without your help.   

(209.)  
Says one, why is thy beard so brown, and thy head so white? 'cause says he, my head is twenty years older than my beard.   

(210.)  
The Judge willing to save a man that stole a Watch, it was valued but a twelvepences; but he that lost it said, the fashion of it cost him five pound. O, says the Judge, we must not hang a man for fashion sake.   

(211.)  
A Goldsmith and another conspired to steal a Silver-bowl; and that it not might be known, 'twas guilded: and though the other stole it, yet the guilt of the fact lay on the Goldsmith.   

(212.)  
One sent his man for a Lawyer's advice without a Fee; but he slighted him: His master went and gave him his Fee; O now, says the Lawyer, I understand you. Then he chid his man for not telling the matter right: O Sir, says he, I had not my Instructions in my pocket.   

(213.)  
A Fool got a Bow and Arrow; and went thro' the town, and swore he'd kill all the Cuckolds; says a woman to her husband, D'ye hear what the Fool says? pray get out o'th' way: Why wife, says he, am I a Cuckold? I but Husband I am afraid lest the arrow should glance.   

(214.)  
One hired a Waterman to land him at Temple-stairs, the Waterman landed him in the mud, for which the Gentleman would not pay him, saying, You should have landed me at Temple-stairs, but this is Puddlewharf.   

(215.)  
One that had sore eyes, was jeered by another that was clear eyed; who told him, they were not so sore, but he could see a knave: It may be so, says he, but you must look in a Lookinglass then.   

(216.)  
A Gentleman said he had travelled far: a Lady told him she had been farther: Why Madam, says he, if it be so, you and I may lie together by Authority.   

(217.)  
An Englishman and a Frenchman being at dinner together, but understood not one another, the Frenchman said, Mange profaice Monsieur; the other mistakeing him swore it was not in his face, but in his wrists and hams, meaning the Itch.   

(218.)  
A Woman told her Husband he was a Witch: But he went to a cunning man to know the truth; who told him he was no Witch; but he was a Cuckold: so he comes home rejoicing to his Wife, and told her that he said, he was not a Witch, but a Cuckold: Says she, I am sure if thou art not a Witch he is one.   

(219.)  
One having a very great nose, and thin beard, was told the shadow of his nose did hinder his beards growth.   

(220.)  
A Jealous man pictured a Lamb on his Wife's belly, for he was going to Sea; and staying out a long time, she began to have an itching desire; and her friend coming to her, spied the Lamb pictured: then he pictured a pair of horns on the head on't: And when her husband came home he wondered at the horns. Why what is it Husband? says she: Why horns, says he; O lack, Husband, says she, it is two years since you went, and by that time all Lambs have horns.   

(221.)  
One going to hanging, heard a woman say, she had begged him, so he would marry her: He seeing her long nose and shrill tongue, said, Car-man drive on, I'll first be hanged before I'll marry her: and was so.   

(222.)  
One stealing a cup out of a Tavern, was laid hold on; a Gentleman sent his man to know what the matter was: He came and told him, only a Fellow had got a Cup too much. Pish, says he, that's my fault and many an honest man's also.   

(223.)  
Two riding down a great hill together, one said, it was dangerous riding down: No, says t'other, I will not light; for I have but one pair of shoes, and I shall spoil 'em: says the other, and I have but one neck, and I fear I shall spoil that, and therefore I'll light.   

(224.)  
A Welshman and his Master being at a play, a Rogue cut his Master's purse; then he cut off the Rogue's ear: he asked why he did so: He said, Give her Master her Purse, and her shall have her Ear again.   

(225.)  
A Miller had wooed abundance of Girls, and did lie with them; upon which he refused to marry them: But one Girl he did sollicitate her much, but all would not do; then he married her, and told her on the marriage-night, if she would have let him done as the rest did, he would never have had her: by my troth I thought so, says she, for I was served so by half a dozen before.   

(226.)  
Says a Lord, my friend, I should know thee: Yes, says he, I am one of my Lordship's Tenants, my name is J. G. O, says he, I remember there were two Brothers of you and one is dead, which is that that is alive? It is I my Lord, says he.   

(227.)  
Says a Judge, Sirrah you are a Rogue; Not so very a Rogue as your Worship (and then he spit) takes me to be.   

(228.)  
Sirrah, says another Justice, you are an arrant Knave: Says he, Just as your worship spoke, the clock struck two.   

(229.)  
A Player was riding up Fleetstreet a great pace; one asked him what play was played to day: says he, You may see that upon every post: why, says he, I took you for a post, you rid so fast.   

(230.)  
One being very jealous, came suddenly home, and found one busy with his wife: says he, friend I thank thee, I have feared this a long time, but now I find it true; it hath eased me of a great deal of trouble: I'll be jealous no more.   

(231.)  
A Gentleman losing his way, galloping furiously over the plow'd lands: towards Tame, and meeting one, said, friend is this the way to Tame? Yes Sir, says he; your Horse, if he be as wild as the Devil.   

(232)  
A decayed Gentleman in a threadbare Cloak, was told his cloak was very watchful, for it had not a good nap this seven years: Truly, says he, you want a nap as well as my cloak; for you talk idly for want of sleep.   

(233.)  
A Good Preacher, when most of his Auditory was a sleep, heard a child cry: Good Nurse, says he, still the child, or else it will wake some of the best in the parish.   

(234.)  
A Miser having a sheep stolen from him by a poor man, would needs send him to prison, saying there was not so damned a rogue in the world: pray Sir, said he, remember yourself, and be good to me.   

(235.)  
The Watch passing by, one threw a pisspot out at a window, which lighted on their heads: They being very angry, he asked them who they were? they said the Watch; Why then, Harm watch, harm catch.   

(236.)  
A Gentlewoman came to a rich Usurer, and at her going away, he offered her a cup of old Canary in a glass a little bigger than a thimble; who to save charges, only kissed it to her, and said, it was Canary of six year old: I wonder, says she, it should be so old, being so very little.   

(237.)  
A Scholar and a Courtier meeting together, the Scholar being next the wall, the Courtier josled him: What is the matter? said he: I do not use to give every fool the wall: But I do, says the Scholar, and so let him have it.   

(238.)  
Some met together, One said, now Mr. Samson is come, we fear no Bailiff nor Sergeant; nay, if a thousand Philistines were here, he is able to brain them all: Yes, says he, so you will lend me one of your Jawbones.   

(239.)  
A Landlord inviteing his tenants to dinner, bid them fall on; for there was beef of twenty pound an ox: A poor man hearing that, fell to a Capon before him, for which he was reproved: why, says he, I am but a poor man, I dare not venture on Beef of twenty pound an Ox, but on a Capon of half a crown, well; yet he was bid eat beef; he said no, he would praise God in Capon if his worship pleased.   

(240.)  
A Gentlewoman of mean fortune marries a handsome Knight of a good estate, yet she must have a Sweetheart, and being in private with him, told him how greatly she loved him. But her Husband overhearing her, said, Sir, believe her not, for she hath told me so this seven years, which made him run faster down than he came up.   

(241.)  
Sir Thomas More had many Daughters, but no Son; so that his wife did often wish for a Boy, which at last she had, which was very simple: Ah Wife, says he, thou hast often wished for a Boy, and now thou hast one, and he will never be other than a Boy.   

(242.)  
Says a Lady to her Maid, What you are with-child? Yes, a little, forsooth: And who got it? My Master, forsooth: Where? In the Truckle-bed, forsooth: Where was I then? Asleep in the high-bed, forsooth: Why did you not call out then, you Whore: Why, says she, would you have done so?   

(243.)  
A young Maid came to a Priest to be shrieved, and she told him all her sins: But one among the rest was, that she was with a young man in a Hayloft: And what did you do there, says the Priest? Why, what an old fool are you, says she, to ask what a young man and a maid should do together in a Hayloft.   

(244.  
A Gentleman and his man riding, his man saw one riding on a Cow; Look, Master, says he, yonder is a Fellow rides a horseback on a cow: That's a Bull, says he, No Sir says he, I know 'tis a Cow by his Teats.   

(245.)  
A virtuous Lady being once in a musing vein, sat with her legs straddling: Says her husband to her, Sweet heart, your Cabinet stands open; Say you so, says she, why do not you lock it then? for I am sure none keeps the key but yourself.   

(246.)  
A Gallant spying a gamesome Maid, said, Sweet heart, Give me leave to kiss your hands and feet: O lack, Sir, says she, you are in extremes, to aim both high and low at once; for I have often heard, there's virtue in the middle, and there I would have you kiss; if you won't, you may let it alone.   

(247.)  
A Fellow reported his Mistress was a Whore; which she hearing, rebuked him sharply for it: But one that stood by told her he was drunk when he said so: Yes, says the fellow, and in vino veritas: Well, says she, than I pardon you.   

(248.)  
A Fidler was bragging what a chaste Wife he had: Says a Merchant, I'll lay my ship against thy fiddle, if I may have opportunity, I get her good will to lie with her: The wager was laid, and he had liberty to try her? But the Fiddler in the mean time went to the window, and sung this song.  

Hold out Sweetheart hold out,  
Hold out but this two hours.  
If thou hold out there is no doubt.  
But the ship and all is ours.  
I faith sweet Robin I cannot,  
He hath caught me about the middle?  
He hath me won, thou art undone,  
Sweet Robin thou hast lost thy fiddle.    

(249.)  
After Supper in a College in Oxford, some of the young Scholars were throwing bones one at another; which the Principal spying, sent them word, Now the Bellies were full, the Bones should be at rest.   

(250.)  
A Scholar was jeered on the road for having but one spur on: Faith, says he, if one side of my horse goes on, it is not likely, the other side will stay behind.   

(251.)  
A Scholar had got a miserable tired horse, and being six or seven miles to Oxford, could not get him above a footpace. A man advised him to take a long stick, and prick it into a bottle of hay, and hold it before his head; which he did and the horse snapping hastily at the hay, put one leg before another, and performed his journey.   

(252.)  
A Gentleman riding up Cheapside, by chance his horse stumbled against a door and fell down: Says the Mistress of the house, thinking to jeer him, Sir, does your horse use to do so? Yes: says he, when he comes just against a Cuckold's door: Why faith, says she, than you are like to have twenty falls before you'd come to the upper end of Cheapside.   

(253.)  
A Gentleman being in a place where there was very small beer, said, this beer, sweats extremely, for 'tis all in a water. Another said, the beer was dead: It may be so, says a third, for 'twas very weak when I was here last, Also the Beer being dead, one praised it: Why so? because we must speak well of the dead.   

(254.)  
One Place a bitter Jester in Queen Elizabeth's days, came to court: Come, says the Ladies, Pace, we shall now hear of our faults: No, says he, I don't use to talk of that which all the town talks of.   

(255.)  
A Gentlewoman being with child, her husband was carving at the table a couple of coneys; and beginning with the flappes his wife called to him, Pray Husband give me a fla'p o'th' coney; What, says he, before all this company, Wife.   

(256.)  
A man with a great beard coming thorrow Thamsstreet, there was a stop with carts; He standing near a Car-horse, the horse took his beard for a bottle of hay, and snapped at it; A pox take you, says he, who made you a Barber.   

(257.)  
A Tinker crying for work, an apprentice asked him why he did not stop the two holes in the Pillory; Says the Tinker, If you'll afford me your head and ears, I'll find you hammer and nails, and my work into the bargain.   

(258.)  
A drunken Fellow was brought before a Justice, and what question soever the Justice asked him, he still said, Your Worship's wise, Then he committed him till the next day; then sent for him again, and told him of his idle talking yesterday; Why what did I say? Why whatsoever I said to you, you still said, Your Worship's wise, that I thought thou wert mad; Truly, says he, if I said so, I think I was mad indeed.   

(259.)  
'Tis said the Stork breeds on the tops of houses, in places made purposely for her by the inhabitants and when she has bred up her young, she lets fall the fattest of them to her Landlord in point of gratitude; So a Wench being bred on the alms of the Parish was got with-child, and went away and left it on the Parish; Being asked the reason she told them the story of the Stork.   

(260)  
A little slender Northern Lass was asked, how she durst venture on so big a man; O, says she, a little worm may lie under a great stone.   

(261.)  
Some Tilers working on the top of the house, one by chance dropped down thorrow the rafters; Says one, I like such a fellow dearly, for he is one that goes through his work.   

(262.)  
A Lord having an Irish Footman whom he loved very well, the Cook it seems had abused him; upon which, to be revenged, he feigned himself sick; The Lord came to him, and asked him what he wanted, for he'd spare no cost to recover him. He finding his kindness to him, said, he longed for a thing (but 'twas not fitting to ask it) yet he knew 'twould cure him; Says the the Lord, Name it, and thou shalt have't; Then he desired that the Cook might fry him a good brown Turd with sweet butter, and then put some sugar upon it, and he'd eat it. The Cook was commanded to do it; but he refused it; Says the Lord if you will not do it, I'll turn you out o'th' doors; Then he did fry it as he desired, and brought it up to him. Says the Footman, my Lord you know the Cook is my enemy, and I believe he has put some poison in it, and if he will not taste of it, I am sure it is so. Well, with much importunity, the Cook took a bit and eat it; O Pox, says the Footman; that's the only bit that I would have had; seeing you have eat that, take all the rest.   

(263.)  
A fat Man riding upon a lean Horse, was asked, Why he was so fat, and the horse so lean? said: Because I look to myself, and my Man to my horse.   

(264.)  
A Wench complained to a Justice, that such a man would have ravished her: Says the Justice, Did he offer to tie any part of thy body? Yes, says she, he tied my hands so fast, that I could not stir them; and he would have tied my legs too, but I had the grace to keep them far enough asunder.   

(264.)  
Another Wench complained to a Justice, that such an one would have refreshed her: Thou meanest, says the Justice, Ravish: Yes, Sir, says she, I meant so indeed. I warrant, says the Justice, this Rogue has ravished thee many times before this? And she, to aggravate the matter, said, Yes, Sir, at least twenty times before now: which saved his life.   

(265.)  
Says a man (having a candle in his hand) By this candle wife I dreamt this night that thou madest me a Cuckold: She having a piece of bread in her hand, said, By this bread but I did not. Eat the bread: says he, Nay says she, eat you the candle; for you swore first.   

(266.)  
A Gentleman riding near the Forest of Whichwood in Oxfordshire, asked a Fellow what that wood was called; He said Whichwood Sir; Why that wood: Whichwood Sir. Why that wood I tell thee. He still said, Whichwood. I think, says the Gentleman, the man is Wood: Yes, says he, I believe one of us is so, but I can't tell which.   

(267.)  
In the Rumps time the Troopers kept a Guard in St. Paul's Church, and an Essex man coming to town, heard that Troop was then upon the Guard which quartered at their town: So he went in and found the man that quartered at his house: O Landlord, says he, how d'ye? By my troth, says John, I am glad to see this blessed Reformation in London; for in our Town we can't get the people to Church, but here the very horses come to church.   

(268.)  
A rich Fool was begged by a Lord of the King; and the Lord coming to another Nobleman's house, the Fool saw the picture of a Fool in the hangings, which he cut out; and being chidden for it, answered, You have more cause to love me for it; for if my Lord hath see the Picture of a Fool in the hangings, he may beg them of the King, as he did my Lands.   

(269.)  
One being asked, why he married so little a Wife? answered, Of all evils the least is to be chosen.   

(270.)  
A poor Fellow came to a Bulk in Cheapside, and there he sat: But the Apprentice bid him be gone for a lousy rogue: Says he, as lousy as I am, I hold five pound I dine with such a Sheriff to day: So the wager was laid, and he comes to the Sheriff's house and desired to speak with him: What's your business? says he; Sir, an't please you, what is a wedge of gold of half a yard long worth? Friend, says he, I am just going to dinner, sit down, and I will talk with you after dinner. After dinner he asked him about the Wedge of Gold: Truly Sir, says he, I did not tell you I had any such; but only I asked you, What such a one was worth? and if ever I find any such, your Worship shall have the first refusal.   

(271.)  
A Gentleman landing at Rye in Sussex, in Queen Elizabeth's days, and lying long in an Inn with his man, could not defray his charges. So his man went down to the host, and said his master was a Jesuit, and he would not stay with him: Upon which the Constable was called who apprehended him; for 'twas death then to conceal a Jesuit: So the town presently paid his charges, and brought him safely up to London, and presented him to the Bishop there, who presently knew the Gentleman, and discharged him; for he was a very zealous Protestant, only his man and he devised this trick to pay off their Rye-score.   

(272)  
An Italian Traveller used to say, that the Portugese seems a fool, and is so; the Spaniard seems wise, and is a fool; the Frenchman seems a fool, but is wise; the Englishman is wise, but cannot show it; and the Dutchman would be wise, but for the pot and the pipe.   

(273.)  
A Gentleman once requested a thing of an unchaste Woman: No, says she, for had I an hundred things, you should have none of them; Well, says he, but I knew the time, when having but one thing, you let a friend use it.   

(274.)  
One asked why men sue always to women, and women never to men; Because, says another, women are always ready for men, and men not always for women.   

(275.)  
A Doctor in Oxford, at his own charges, was mending a Causey; and a Nobleman riding by, said, how now Doctor, I see you are mending the Highway, but it is not the Highway to Heaven: No my Lord, says he, if it were, I should have wondered to have seen your Lordship come this way.   

(276.)  
One affirmed, that he had seen a Cabbage so big, that five hundred men on horseback might stand under its shade: And I for my part, says another, have seen a Cauldron so wide, that three hundred men wrought therein, each distant from the other twenty yards; Then the Cabbage-lyer asked him, For what use was that Cauldron? Says he, To boil your Cabbage in.   

(277.)  
A Gentleman coming hungry home called for a dinner; His man told him, it had newly struck ten●; Puh, says he, don't tell me of ten by the Clock, when it has struck twelve by my Stomach.   

(278.)  
Pope Sixtus the Fifth was a poor man's Son, and his Father's house was so ill thatched, that the Sun came in at many places; Upon which he would sport with his Nobility, saying, he was the Son of an Illustrious house.   

(279.)  
A Chandler having had some Candles stole; One bid him be contented; for in a short time, says he, I am confident they'll all come to light.   

(280)  
Bishop Bonner told Henry the eight, if he sent him on such a rough Message to the French King, he'd take his head off; if he does, says the King, I'll take a thousand of his Subjects heads off. I Sir, says he, but I question whether any of them will fit my shoulders.   

(281.)  
Noy the Lawyer, thinking to abuse a Country Fellow driveing his Cart, asked him why his fore-horse was so fat, and the rest so lean; He could not well tell, but he thought the fore-horse was a Lawyer, and the rest his Clients: for which conceit he gave him an Angel.   

(282.)  
A Templar going at Christmas into Yorkshire to his Father, took some other Templars a long with him; and one of the Holydays he would have them to an Alehouse hard by, where the woman was deaf; So coming thither, O my young Master, says she, I han't seen you this seven years: Then he thinking to abuse her, drank to her, saying, here's to thee, and to all the Rogues, Whores and Bawds in England: She seeing his lips go, but hearing him not, said, Come Sir I'll pledge you, for I know you drink to your Father, and your Mother, and those good Gentlewomen your Sisters.   

(283.)  
One told his Wife that he heard for certain that they were all counted Cuckolds in their town but one man; Who dost think that should be? says he: Faith, says she, Husband, I cannot think who it is.   

(284.)  
a Oxford Scholar blowing of his fire, it seems the nose of the bellows dropped off: Faith, says he, I see 'tis cold weather, for the nose of the bellows drops.   

(285.)  
A Tenant of the Archbishop of York, came to his house to pay some rent, and being in the Hall, the Bishop came by and asked who it was: An't please your worship's Honour, says he, I am come to bring you some rent; Then he went into the Parlour, and they told the man, that he must say, An't please your Grace; But the Bishop coming out again, he was at An't please your Worship's Honour: They told him he must say, Grace. Must I so? says he, then putting his hat before his eyes, he said, The eyes of all things, etc.   

(286.)  
One was a saying, that men are guilty of a many faults, as drinking, dicing, whoring, etc. but women are guilty of but two faults in all, that is (poor souls) only naught in words, and naught in deeds.   

(287.)  
One that had been drinking a long time together, till he was reeling ripe, began to spew most plentifully, and still calls (as he spews) for a reckoning: Says one to him, Methinks Sir, you that have so often cast up what you have drunk, should know what's to pay.   

(288.)  
A pretty Country Maid coming to Oxford Market, and riding into an Inn there, she, as she used to do, being nimble, leapt off, but the pummel being high, catcht hold of her petticoat, and showed almost all she had: Says a Scholar to her, Sweetheart, you have a very clear skin: Says she, Do you like the sight on't so well? why did you not come and kiss it, to take your leave on't? for you are never like to see it again.   

(289.)  
Some women resolved to abuse two Friars; for they laid a Hog under the table, and said 'twas the woman's dead Husband, and they were to sing a Dirge for his soul; and dureing the Service, the women tittered and laughed: Which one of the Friars spying, whilst they went into the next room to laugh out; the Friars took up the cloth, saw the Hog, and that they were abused, took him up, and carried him quite away; which the women seeing, called after them; but they said, It was a Brother of theirs and must be buried in their Convent.   

(290.)  
A great Eater having a lusty piece of roast-beef set before him, he began to cut sometimes at one end, and sometimes at the other; The woman desired him to cut it handsomely, and in one place; Peace, says he, it is no matter at which end I begin, for I intent to make an end of it all before I go.   

(291.)  
Hugh Peter in his antic preaching, took occasion to reprehend the modish Gallants of those times, saying, Beloved, the Apparel which men now wear, makes them seem like Apes in their short breeches; And the Gentlewomen forsooth, must have their Gowns hang dangling half a yard upon the ground to draw after them, a very unseemly sight. Now to rectify this disorder, You women must take up your coats, and you men must let down your Breeches; Yet do not mistake me, I mean you women must make your Coats shorter, and you men your Breeches longer.   

(292.)  
One who had been a great Traveller in France, upon his return was asked by a friend, what he thought of the men of that Country? to which he replied, They of Berrie, are Leahers; they of Tourain, Thiefs; they of Languedock, Traitors; they of Provence, Atheists; they of Rheims, Superstitious, they of Normandy, insolent; and they of Picardy, proud.   

(293.)  
One Dr. B. having newly married a Wife, was very kind to her, and carrying her one day down into the Country, as they rid along he would oftentimes turn his face backwards, and take a salute of her cherry lips; which occasioned one to write this Epigram upon him.  

The Doctor to avoid all further strife,  
riding before, turned back to kiss his wife;  
And was not the Doctor then wondrous kind,  
riding before, to kiss his wife behind?    

(296.)  
One who had been a Traveller through the principal cities of Italy was at his return asked, What was his opinion of them; To which he answered, that Rome was the chief for Religion; Naples, for Nobility; Milan, for Beauty; Genoa, for stateliness; Florence, for Policy; and Venice for Riches.   

(297.)  
One being desired to eat some Oysters resused, saying, they were ungodly meat, unchristianlie meat, uncharitable meat, and unprofitable meat; And being demanded his reason why he said it; he answered, They were ungodly meat, because they were eaten without saying of Grace; unchristianlie meat, because the Creature was eaten alive; uncharitable meat, because they left no offal to the poor; and unprofitable meat, because most commonly there was more spent upon them than the Oysters cost.   

(298.)  
One who came to Scoggin to be confessed, told him that he had stolen an halter; Well, said Scoggin, to steal an halter is no great matter; But, said the fellow, there was an horse tied at the end of it. I marry, quoth Scoggin, there is something in that? there is difference between an horse and an halter; You must therefore restore the owner the horse, and when you have done that, come to me; and I'll absolve you for the halter.   

(299.)  
A Woman going to the burying of her fifth Husband, one was reckoning upon his fingers how many she had; and beginning with his little finger, at last came to his thumb, saying, She had made an hand of them all.   

(300.)  
One was saying, that there was nothing which he could imagine, that was more valiant than the collar of a Miller's shirt: And being asked what reason he had to think so: he replied, Because that every morning it had a Thief by the neck.   

(301.)  
A Lawyer being very sick was moved to make his will, which he accordingly did, giving away all his estate to Lunatic, Frantic and mad people: And being demanded his reason why he did so; He answered, that from such he had it, and to such he would give it again.   

(302.)  
A Knight of Surrey having wasted a great Estate at Court, and bringing himself to one park, and a fine house in it, was yet ambitious to entertain the Queen at it; and to that purpose had new painted his gates with a Coat of Arms and Motto written thus, OIA VANITAS in great golden letters: the Lord Cecil offering to read it, desired to know of the Knight what he meant by OIA? who told him it stood for Omnia. To which Cecil replied, Sir, I wonder having made your Omnia so little, you should notwithstanding make your Vanitas so large.   

(303.)  
One held a Paradox, That wise men were the greatest liars; For (said he) the proverb tells us, that Children and Fools tell truth.   

(304.)  
A man came to a painter, and desired him to paint him a Bear for his sign, the painter advised him to have a gold chain on the neck, he told him no, for he would not go to the charge, than he drew the Bear in colours, not laid in oil, and the first rain washed the Bear quite away, hay day, says the man, my bear's gone, why yes, says the painter, did not I advise you to have a chain about the neck, and then you may be certain, your bear could never a gone away, why says he, 'tis the rain hath washed away my bear, why yes, says the painter, and if you had had a chain 'twould have reigned him in, that he could not have gone away.   

(305.)  
A Fellow passing Lndgate at night, the Constable asked him whither he was going: he said, he could not tell, the Constable was sending him to the Counter. Why look you says the Fellow, did not I tell you I could not tell you whither I was going, for did I know you'd send me to the Counter, for which conceit he was released.   

(306.)  
A Fellow that kept an Inn to entertain thiefs and what they had stolen laid it up for them, and always had his share: but at last his house being mistrusted 'twas searched, and he found to be an abettor though not a robber, and still he followed them for his part: so he and his two complices were both condemned, and as they were going all three to the Gallows, the two thiefs went before with a courage, but he came draggling after, which one of the thiefs seeing laughed heartily at it, and beind asked his reason by the Sherriff, told him, that he could not choose but laugh to see that fellow follow them for his part.   

(307.)  
A Knight in Warwickshire, that was very hospitable, especially at Christmas; when he always invited all his tenants to dinner, which said Knight had always a Jackanapes tied at the parlour door, and as the country women came in, he would snatch at their petticoats, and then grin in their faces: which a discreet woman observing, asked what it was; 'twas told her he was a Jackanapes: with that as she came by the parlour door, she makes him a great courtesy, and says, By'r leave, good Master Jan, an, apes, with that he plucked and grinned at her more than all the rest, fie, fie, says she, you don't do well truly Sir to grin and jeer at an honest woman, whose husband has paid Scott and lot in the parish this twenty years, and I am sure I am old enough to be your Mother, indeed you are to blame.   

(308.)  
A Quaker came into the court to speak with the King, and was marching through the presence and privy chamber with his hat on, insomuch that some of the King's servants would have plucked off his hat, but the King bid'em let him alone, and when he came to the King he was telling him a long story: a little after the king upon some occasion put off his hat: nay, says the Quaker, O King, thou mayest be covered if thou wilt: well, says the King, if I give you your liberty, I hope you'll allow me mine.   

(309.)  
Some Gentlemen were riding into the country to be merry, and coming near a country town, they saw a cucking stool, and an old woman near it a spinning: come says one of them you shall see how I'll abuse this old woman, good woman says he, what was that chair made for, she told him he knew well enough what it was: no, says he, I do not know, unless it be the chair you use to spin in: O fie, says she, you must needs know it, for 'tis a Cradle your good Mother has often lain in.   

(310.)  
A man lately was advised to adventure something at the royal Oak Lottery, no, says he, for there's not one in an hundred hath any luck but Cuckolds, which his sweet wife hearing said, dear husband I pray venture, for I am certain you'd have good luck.   

(311.)  
A pretty Girl at a coffie house, about fourteen years of age, a Gentleman asked her mother when she should be married, O, says her mother, 6 or 7 years hence is time enough, O fie mother, says she, how strangely you talk: Why then, says her Mother, within this month if you won't girl, I marry mother says she, now you talk like yourself, for I have often heard you say; you were married at fourteen, and must I now be married by Six and Seven.   

(312.)  
Two Gallants riding into the country, overtook a miller upon an ass, come says one to tother, let's abuse this miller: then says one of them to him, prithee Miller tell us what's the reason thy ass does always keep such a braying, truly Gentlemen, says he, he does not always do so, but when he hears any of his kindred come after him than he makes this noise forsooth.   

(313.)  
A Gentleman being at a great Lords table told him a story of a great piece of Chimistrie lately, which he saw perfected in Flanders; and it was a general cure for all diseases, nay, says he, I could not have believed it, if I had not seen it myself; at which the Lord wondered much, and asked a grave Philosopher which then sat at the table what he thought of this story: Why truly my Lord, says he, that Gentleman hath spoken my sense, for he said he would not have believed it unless he had seen it: and truly no more will I.   

(314.)  
A countryman near Oxford, was saying that he had been bargaining with two women for such and such commodities, but says he, I found them both to be cheating whores, impudent whores, and scolding whores; well neighbour, says one of them, now you talk so much of whores, does your daughter go to Abbing●on Market to morrow or no.   

(315.)  
Some Thiefs met with a man and robbed him, and bound him in a wood, a little after they met with another, and robbed and bound him also, and set him on the other side the hedge hard by the first, than one of them cried out, saying I'm undone, I'm undone, the other hearing him say so prayed him that he would come and undo him too, seeing he was undone himself.   

(316.)  
A Quaker that had taken one of his female Saints to wife, about a fortnight after, he found she had given him a lusty clap, that he became very ill, insomuch that another Quaker came to him, and asked him how he did, he said not well: the other mistrusting how it was with him (he having given her the clap before) told him he'd go with him to a Surgeon that should cure him; being come, the Surgeon asked him what was his distemper, he said he was not well, I ask you what's your distemper, still he said, he was not well, than the Surgeon being a choleric fellow, said, what a pox is your distemper, I that, that, that's it, says he.   

(317.)  
A Fellow of a college in Oxford desired one the last winter to lend him Sir Walter Rawleig's history of the world; he sent him word that he could not spare it out of his chamber, but if he pleased to come thither he might use it all day there: a little after the other desired of him to lend him his bellows, he sent him word he could not spare them out of his chamber, but if he pleased to come thither he might use them all the day long.   

(318.)  
A Lord desired his Chaplain to write a copy of verses on his Lady, who was a very great shrew, it was promised but not performed, the Lord ask reason of his delay, said the Chaplain, What need you my Lord desire a copy, when you have the Original? my Lady hearing thereof, caused the Chaplain to be discharged, and so he paid for his wit.   

(319.)  
A country fellow, who had never seen London, was abused one day by some young clerks of an Inn of Chancery, who thereupon complained to the Principal of the house in this matter; I have been much abused by a company of Rascals belonging to this house, and being informed you are the Principal, I thought good to acquaint you therewith.   

(320.)  
Some Neighbours that dwelled all in a row on one side of the street, were resolved to be merry with their wives, said one, they say we are all Cuckolds who live on this side, but one, hereupon his wife was in her dumps, how now Sweetheart, said he, why so sad? I am not sad said she, but I am studieing who that one of our Neighbours it should be, that is not a Cuckold.   

(321.)  
A Lady sent her Servant to the Playhouse to know what was acted that day, The fellow ask the question, he was answered, Go tell your Lady 'Tis pity she is a Whore, the fellow misunderstanding, and thinking this was spoke of his Lady, and not of the Play, replied, 'Tis pity such a parcel of Rogues, Rascals, and idle Sons of Whores should abuse honest women after this manner.   

(322.)  
A Parson having in his sermon much inveighed against Usury, saying it was a sin as bad as wilful Murder; a little after wanting money, he went to one of his Parishioners, and desired the loan of twenty pounds gratis for 3. months, the man remembering the Parson's Sermon, said, truly Sir, If to lend money upon use be in your opinion as great a sin as Murder, in my opinion to lend money gratis is a greater sin than Manslaughter.   

(323.)  
A Gentleman whose name was Church sitting in a Chimnie-corner in the winter time drinking of a pot of ale, asked the question, Whether any of the company ever saw a Chimney in a Church, no, said one, but I now see a Church in a Chimnie-corner.   

(324.)  
Mr. Church another time was telling his friend that his wife was with-child, and withal so big, that he could not chose but wonder every time he looked upon her; You need not wonder, said his friend, do you not know your wife hath a Church in her belly?   

(325.)  
A man and his wife being in bed together, towards morning she pretended herself ill at ease, desiring to lie on her husband's side, the good man to please her, came over, making some short stay in his passage; she had not laid long, but desired to lie in her own place again, quoth he, how can this be done? she answered, come over me again: I had rather said he go half a mile about.   

(326.)  
A citizen dying greatly in debt, it coming to his Creditors ears, farewell said one, there is somuch of mine gone with him; and he carried somuch of mine, said another; one hearing them make their several complaints, said, well, I see now that though a man can carry nothing of his own out of this world, yet he may carry a great deal of other men's.   

(327.)  
An indigent Gentleman was persuaded to marry a Prostitute, for no other reason than that she was rich, and perhaps might turn; Turn, said the Gentleman, she hath been so much worn, that she is past turning.   

(328.)  
A very wicked extravagant fellow boasting of his travels, and amongst the rest of those incredible things he had seen, said, that he had been on the very top of Teneriff (which is accounted one of the highest Hills in the world;) one asked him why he did not stay there, for he was persuaded he would never be so near heaven again.   

(329.)  
One seeing an answer in Chancery written five words in a line, and not above ten lines in a folio page, asked why they were writ so wide; one answered, it was done to keep the peace, for if the Plaintiff should be in one line, and the Defendant in the orher, the lines being too near, they would go together by the ears.   

(330.)  
A handsome woman, but dishonest, was frequently reproved by a relation for her levity and disobedience, frequeutlie inculcating, that her husband was her head, and therefore should both love and obey him: in a little time she undid her husband, and was forced to fly for it; being reproved again by the same party for her extravagant lewd actions; Pray forbear, said she, and meddle with your own business, I have injured none but myself, and that is by breaking my own head.   

(331.)  
A citizen that was more tender of himself than his wife, usually in cold weather made her go to bed first, and when he thought her plump buttocks had sufficiently warmed his place, he then came and removed her out of it, and lay in it himself; and to make himself merry, called her his warming-pan; she not being able to endure this indignity any longer, one night (Sir Reverence) she did shit a bed; he leaping into it, and finding himself in a stinking condition, cried out, O wife I am beshit, no husband, says she, it is but a coal dropped out of your Warming-pan.   

(332.)  
A certain person lately attempted the violation of the honour of a very virtuous Gentlewoman by this stratagem; as they were alone together he pretended his back itched, and therefore desired the Gentlewoman to scratch it, who suspecting nothing, consented, in the m●an time this beastly fellow obscenelie showed what nature would, and modesty must hide, saying, Madam look whether I am not of the nature of a cat, who being scratched on the back will play with her tail: the Gentlewoman all in confusion, furiously flung from him, and with much indignation related the affront to her husband, who bid her not disquiet herself, and he would very speedily find out a way to be revenged, and thus it was, he invited him one day to dinner, and to remove all suspicion he entertained him very liberally, having dined, he took him to the Balcony, where having discoursed him a while, at length he took him up by the twist and threw him over, which was a great height from the ground, saying, If you have the nature of a cat, no doubt you will pitch upon your legs.   

(333.)  
A Gentleman amongst company was relateing a Jest of a Servitor in the University, who was commanded by his Tutor to go down to the kitchen and heat some meat, who instead thereof did eat it, justifying the act by saying, H non est litera; how, said the slander by, is H no letter? I am sorry for that, for my name being Hill, 'twill be then iii.   

(334.)  
An arch young wag hearing one morning the cry of Kitchenstuff, called the woman to him, and asked her what she cried? Kitchingstuff said she, what's that quoth he? she replied it was that dropped from flesh: say you so, said be, call to morrow and I will furnish you with some, the next morning she came, and this wag in the time had prepared a pot half full of sir reverence; the woman according to custom put her arm into the pot, and drawing it out saw how she was abused, and began to be angry; nay, nay, says the young man, you have no cause for passion, have not I fulfiled my promise in fnrnishing you with what drops from flesh? it is very true, said she, and now I think on it, your flesh appears to me very dry (and stroking his face with her should ... hand) wants a little greasing, and stands in need I think of basting too.   

(335.)  
Two seeing an handsome young wench pass by them whom they knew many grains too light, but very poor, one said it was a wonder to see such a wench so bare: it is no wonder, said the other, for she is common.   

(336.)  
There was a Gentlewoman named Coney, who was of a free jolly, yet innocent disposition; a Gentlewoman chanced to take lodgings in the same house where she lay, whose name was Parsley; being asked one day how he liked Mrs. Cunney, very well, said he, but I like her much better were Mrs. Cunney stuffed with Parsley.   

(337.)  
One asked another why men were not content to tell lies, but they must publish them in print, the reason is apparent, said the other, because when men lie they most desire to lie in sheets.   

(338.)  
Three young concieted wits sitting in a Tavern very merry, it chanced that a grave old Gentleman with a long grey beard looked into the room, whom, as soon as they had espied, to show their wit, saluted him with the name of Father Abraham, the other with Isaac, and the third with Jacob; I am, said the Gentleman, neither Father Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob, but Saul the Son of Kish, who went to seek his Father's Asses, and here I find them, and here I leave them.   

(339.)  
A young Maid coming fresh out of the country, was courted by a person of Quality, whom she understood was poxed; he daily wooed her, and promised her marriage; she refused, and being asked the reason, why she (that was meanly born) would not marry one, that would not only enrich her, but ennoble her blood? I will not, said she, corrupt my flesh to better my blood for any Prince in Christendom.   

(340.)  
A Wit at Cambridge in King James his time, was ordered to preach at St. Mary's before the Vicechancellor and the heads of the University, who formerly had observed the drowsiness of the Vicechancellor, and thereupon took this place of scripture for his text, What? cannot ye watch one hour? At every division he concluded with his text, which, by reason of the Vice-Chancellours sitting so near the pulpit, often awaked him; this was so noted by the wits, that it was the talk of the whole University, and withal it did so nettle the Vicechancellor, that he complained to the Archbishop of Canterbury, who willing to redess him, sent for this Scholar up to London to defend himself against the crime laid to his charge, where coming, he made so many proofs of his extraordinary wit, that the Archbishop enjoined him to paeach before King James, after some excuses he at length condescended, and coming into the pulpit, begins, James the first and the sixth; Waver not; meaning the first King of England, and the sixth of Scotland; at first the King was somewhat amazed at the Text, but in the end was so well pleased with his sermon that he made him one of the Chaplains in ordinary; after this advancement, the Archbishop sent him down to Cambridge to make his recantation to the Vicechancellor, and to take leave of the University; which he accordingly did, and took the latter part of the verse of his former Text, Sleep on now and take your rest, concludeing his Sermon, he made his Apology to the Vicechancellor, Saying, whereas I said before, (which gave offence) What? cannot you watch one hour? I say now, sleep on, and take your rest, and so left the University.   

(341.)  
A learned and charitable Doctor having made (for the benefit of the country wherein he dwelled) a large Causey, whilst he was overseeing his work, a Nobleman of his acquaintance chanced to ride that way, who seeing the Doctor, saluted him kindly, thinking to jeer him into the bargain; Dr. quoth he, for all your pains and expenses, I suppose this is not the highway to heaven: I think, replied the Doctor, you have hit the nail on the head, for if it had, I should have wondered to have met your Lordship here.   

(342.)  
A Gentlewoman, to be in the fashion, must needs (like her neighbours) have a friend, or Gallant besides her husband; having singled out one day one (whom she thought fit for her purpose) privately she told him, how dearly she loved him, above all men; her husband chancing to overhear her; said, Sir, believe her not; for she hath told me the same many times this seven years, and God knows how many more besides.   

(343.)  
Mr. Dunscom, and one Mr. Cox living one near the other in the country, fell out about five foot of ground, and nothing must serve but the law to decide the controversy: to't they went, and sued one another so long, that they were forced at last to prosecute the Suit each of them in formâ pauperis; at length the case coming to a definitive hearing, and the Judge understanding how long they had been vexatious, to the utter ruin of each other, said thus, Gentlemen, there hath been a scandal cast upon the Law for its tediousness in men's recovering their rights, the fault is not in the Law, but in you and such like, who delight in long and tedious Suits to the destruction of their own and another's family. But to the business in hand; here is five foot of land in controversy between you, and both of you have brought equal arguments to prove the propriety; wherefore my sentence shall be, that the five foot of land be equally divided; and now let me desire you Mr. Dunscomb to permit me to divide your name too, take comb and put it to cox; then your name will be Dunce, and his Coxcomb; and so gave order for their names to be registered on Record.   

(344.)  
A Gentleman speaking of his long and large Travels, was interrupted by a Lady, who said she had traveled farther than him, if so Madam, says he, as Travellers we may lie together by authority.   

(345.)  
A Gentlewoman sitting carelessly by a fire side, sit straddling, her husband in a pleasant humour told her, that her cabinet stood open: say you so, said she, why don't you lock it then? for I am sure that none keeps the Key but you self.   

(346.)  
A Country Gentleman riding down Cornhill, his horse stumbled and threw him into a shop; the Mrs. thereof being a pleasant woman, not forbearing smiling, (seeing there was no hurt done) asked him, whether his horse used so to serve him, yes, said he, when he comes just against a Cuckold's door; Then in troth, said she, you are like to have a forty falls before you come to the upper end of Cheapside.   

(347.)  
A man and his dog (named Cuckold) going together in the evening returning home, the dog ran in a doors first; O mother, says the boy, Cuckold's come; Nay then, says the Mother, your Father is not far off I am sure.   

(348.)  
What a sad condition am I in, said a fellow in the Stocks? I can see over the wood, under the wood, and through the wood, but can't get out of the Wood   

(349.)  
One Fanatic said to another, that he hoped God would not lay it to his charge that he had fasted one day last Lent; how, said the other, I hope it was not on Good-Friday, as they call it; no, said the other, but it was on Ash-Wednesday, as they call it, why that's as bad said the other; But hear the truth brother, I did eat so much on Shrove-Tuesday, as they call it, that I could not eat a bit the day after, as they call it.   

(350.)  
A foolish wench merely out of revenge complained to a Justice, that such a man would have ravished her; what did he do, says he? he tied my hands so fast I could not stir them; and what else? Why Sir, said she, He would have tied my legs too, but I had the wit to keep them far enough asunder.   

(351.)  
One Gentleman desired another to drink more than he could bare, and therefore he refused; the other swore if he did not drink off that glass he would run him through; nay, rather than that, said the other, I will run myself through, and pledge you afterwards, and so running through the door down stairs, left the other to pay the reckoning.   

(352.)  
A Gentleman, that was a great drinker, said, when he died he would leave fifty pound to be drank in wine in manner and form following, at these Taverns, ten pound at the Wonder in Ludgate-street, for honest men, and no Brewers, ten pound at the Castle for Military men, ten pound at the Mitre for Clergy men, ten pound at the Horn Tavern for citizens, and ten pound at the Devil Tavern for Lawyers.   

(353.)  
A Bastard told his friend that he was as much beholding to such a man, as to his own father; Yes, said he, but I believe you are more beholding to your Mother to choose you such a Father, then to your Father to choose you such a Mother.   

(354.)  
A handsome Wench, and very gentile in habit, was brought by a Constable before a Justice late at night; the Justice finding no matter of fact, only bare suspicion, in favour of her, bid the constable take her home to his house for that night; That I shall do Sir, says he, if your worship will be pleased to commit my wife till the morning.   

(355.)  
A Person one Sabbath day, and that very lately, went to the Queen's Chapel more out of curiosity than devotion, who having tired himself with the observation of Romish Ceremonies, he went out of the chapel, and seeing bills affixed to the Pillars, drew near, and as he was reading to himself, a Matron like woman in very good Apparel came to him, and asked him what he read, Mistress, said he, this bill signifies that a person being sick, desires to be prayed for by such as come hither, What is it I pray, said the old Gentlewoman, (pretending deafness, and gathering up closer to him) it is, said he, as afore said, speaking louder. The third time she asked him the same question, saying, Sir, excuse me, I am very deaf, pray speak a little louder, which he did to satisfy her, by this time she picked his pocket, and having so done, she dropped him a low curtsy, saying, I hear you now Sir, I give you many thanks, for you have given me good satisfaction, and so went her way out to his great dissatisfaction, when he came home, he could not find one cross in his pocket.   

(356.)  
A Lancashire man passing by the Watch at Ludgate, they stopped him; but he would not be stopped, for he was in haste: they still detaining him, he asked them what they were? The Watch, said they; the watch, quoth he, what watch you for? the King, said they (meaning the King's watch), for the King, quoth he, then by my troth I can bring very good witness that I am no such a man; for I'es een Billy Noddies Son of Lancashire.   

(357.)  
A Gentleman being newly trimmed, the barber left only some hairs on his upper lip; visiting a Gentlewoman she innocently said, Sir, you have a beard above, and none below; and you, says he, Madam, have a beard below and none above, say you so, says she, than put one against tother.   

(358.)  
A Traveler in a cold frosty night, coming to his Inn, he stood so near the Kitchen fire, that he burned his boots; which the Turn-spit-boy seeing; said, Sir, you will burn your spurs presently; my boots thou meanest boy; No Sir, said he, they are burned already.   

(359.)  
An arch Country fellow having been at London, upon his return was asked by his she Neighbour, what news he heard there, news quoth he, all the news that I heard was, that there was a great press out for Cuckolds; Is there so, said she, then to avoid the worst my Husband shall not stir out of doors, till the press be over.   

(360.)  
A light Housewife married one whose name was Not, whom she cuckolded and buried, at her death these verses were made on her, 
Not a Maid, Not a Wife, Not a Widow, Not a Whore,  
She was not these, and yet she was all four.    

(361.)  
A Gentleman pretending to have a great desire to marry, asked advice of a friend concerning so weighty a matter; a mad Hec. of the Town hearing thereof, sent him these lines, I know not whether designedly to divert him from marriage, or to show his own (Ala Mode) aversion to it.  

Out of stark love and errand devotion,  
Of Marriage, I'll give you this galloping notion.  
'Tis bane of all business, the end of all pleasure,  
Consumption of youth, wit, virtue, and treasure.  
'Tis the Rack of our thoughts, Nightmare of our Sleeps,  
That calls us to work before the day peeps;  
Commands to make brick without stubble or straw,  
For a C ... hath no sense, nor conscience, or law.  
If you must be for flesh, take the way that is noble,  
In a generous wench there is nothing of trouble.  
You come on, you go off, say, do what you please,  
And the worst you can fear is but a disease,  
And diseases you know may hope for a cure,  
But the pain of being married who can it endure.    

(362.)  
A Lawyer being sick made his will, and gave away his estate to Lunatic, Frantic, and Mad-people, being asked why he did so, he answered, That from such he received it, and to such he would give it again.   

(363.)  
A Gentleman one night very late, or early in the morning, and half fuddled, yet had wit enough, was called before the constable, who asked him where he was going, he replied he could not tell; then said the constable you shall go to the counter; look you there said the Gentleman, did I not tell you, I could not tell whither I was going, For did I know, whether you would let me go home, or send me to prison, for which conceit he was released.   

(364.)  
A Quaker coming to court to speak with the King about the Lord knows what, passed through the Presence, and Privy-chamber with his hat on, which some would have taken off, but the King bid them let him alone, whilst he was telling a long rible rabble story, the King took an occasion to take off his own hat; hereupon the Quaker stopped, and said, O King thou mayst be covered, if thou wilt. Well, says the King, if I give you your liberty, I hope you will allow me mine.   

(365.)  
Some Gentlemen travelling, and coming near a town, saw an old woman spinning near a Duckin-stool; one to make the company merry, asked the good woman, what that chair was made for? said she, you know what it is; indeed, says he, I know not, unless it be the chair you use to spin in sometimes; no no, said she, you know it to be otherwise: Have you not heard that it is the cradle your good mother hath often lain in.   

(366.)  
One seeing a Drawer drunk, said, that the wine was even with him; For he had pierced the Wines Hogshead, and the wine had pierced his.   

(367.)  
Two Jesuits sitting in a Coffee house, told a great many foreign stories, which a Gentleman, and a great Traveller sitting by, knew to be notorous lies, but contradicted them not; but told one of his own making, which was, that now is to be seen at St. Alban, a Stone Trough, which that Saint kept a long time to preserve water for his necessary use, and that ever since if Swine should eat any thing out of it, they would die instantly; the Jesuits hearing this, resolved the next day to ride and see this holy Relict: coming to St. Alban, they found no such matter; and returning home, taxed the Gentleman with telling such an untruth, saying, they had taken pains to ride and see it, but found no such thing: Gentlemen, said he, I thought you had been more civil; you told me the other night an hundred palpable lies, and I went not about to disprove you, and I told you but one, and you, by your own confession, have rid twenty miles to do it.   

(368.)  
A Lady of great quality had a female Dwarf to attend on her, the excellency of whose features, and acutness of wit, so engaged her Lady's affection to her, that nothing could plead an equality or esteem with her breast, and fearing that death would too soon deprive her of this pretty little Animal, one day she proposed to her a marriage, that thereby she might by the smallness of the issue, have her remembrance continued; but all the Ladies trouble consisted in this, that she knew not where to get an husband so little that would fit her; Madam, said she, take you no care for that, I have lately been in your Ladyship's Cellar, and there I found Casks of several Sizes, viz. The great bellied Hogshead, the slender, yet long pipe, the little Kilterkin, and the lesser Ferkin, and yet observing their Bungholes, I found them all much about an equal wideness.   

(369.)  
One who all his life time was a great Drole, and full of Jokes, on his deathbed, was visited by an intimate friend, and a Physician, who for some reasons, best known to himself, put his hand into the bed to feel the patient's feet, the other percieving his intent drew them up to him; said the Doctor, Sir, where are your feet? the patient replied, Mr. Doctor, the proverb saith, after forty, either a Fool, or a Physician, and I think you are both, I pray where should my feet be but at the end of my legs?   

(370.)  
A courageous Captain just as he was about to engage, was told by some, who had rather eat than fight, that the enemy was five times their number; are they so, said he, no whit dismayed? I am very glad, for then there are enough to be killed, enough to he taken Prisoners, and enough to run away.   

(371.)  
One asked another how he could take a kick of the arse so patiently, Prithee, said he, because an Ass kicked me, must I kick the Ass again.   

(372.)  
I see you do all under Colour, said the Glazier to the Painter, seeing him at work, go your ways for a Rogue, replied he, you are always picking quarrels.   

(373.)  
One told a Gentlewoman, whorish and barren, that she was very fruitful; how can that be Sir, said she, since I never had any Children? That's nothing, Madam, said he, nevertheless you bear many.   

(374.)  
Two men walking through a Churchyard, one of them affirmed, that hell was nothing else but a grave, for Shoal in the Hebrew, signifies the Grave, though it is translated Hell; the other having lately buried there a shrewd cursed Wife, pointing to her grave, said, than one of the greatest Devils in Hell lies there.   

(375.)  
A Welshman riding with a charge of money behind him, was set upon by a thief, who bade him deliver immediately; or (drawing a Pistol) said, he would make it bounce through him; says her so, said the Welshman, why then her had better give her money, that is her masters, and spare her life, that is her own, and thereupon delivered. Now pray Sir, said the Welshman, since her hath her money, let her hear one pounce for it; for her never heard the pounce of a cun. The good natured Thief, to satisfy the curiosity of the Welshman, (whom he looked on as a very silly fellow) discharged his pistol, which Echoed in many places, Cuds splutter nails, said the Welshman, it was a gallant pounce, and there was many little pounces too; good her Worship let her have one pounce more for her money, and her will be satisfied: So the Thief discharged the other; at which the Welshman seemed better pleased than before, and asked if he had no more pounces; no, said the Thief, I have no more. No, said the Welshman, than her has one pounce in store, which her will make pounce through her immediately, if her deliver not her money back presently, and so forced the thief to redeliver.   

(376.)  
A Country man having never seen a Ship, came to the Custom-house-key; where seeing so many wonders, he chanced to ask a dutchman what that was called, pointing to a great Ship; ich queet neet; and what do you call that, said he, pointing to a less: ich queet neet, said he again (that is, I understand not) hey day, said the Country fellow, are there great Queet neets, and little Queet neets too? Being afterwards informed it was called a Ship; he asked how old it was? It is two years old said one, How, said the fellow, and so big already? Lord what a huge masty thing it will be by that time it is as old as I am.   

(377.)  
A conceited pragmatical, coming into a mixed company, talked incessantly; and to show his wit and learning, singled out one whose countenance promised little, yet an excellent Scholar, and asked him many frivolous questions, which he answered very slightingly, or replied to them not at all, this Pragmatico grew to that impertinence, as to ask him, whether he had ever learned his Grammar? yes, said he, I have read Despauters; to try you, said the other, his second rule is this, Esto foeminium recepit quae foemina tantum. Now, said he, Mater, cujus generis, (Mother, what gender is it) to which the other replied, Mater fi mea sit est foeminini generis, si tua est communis; Mother, if mine is the feminine, if thine the common.   

(378.)  
A very honest and prudent Gentleman had the ill fortune to marry a Wife a grain too light; one day returning home, he went up the stairs, and found his Chamber door open, entering, he caught his wife and the adulterer (who were so intent upon their sport that they minded nothing else) in the very act; the gentleman seemingly unmoved, said, Wife, Wife, Indeed you don't do well to expose your own and my reputation thus to the hazard of being lost by carelessness: Sure in a business, that so nearly concerns us both, you might have shut the door; I pray consider, what if any one else had come and caught you in this posture; and so went and left them; the mildness of this reproof so effectually wrought upon this woman, that she ever after abhorred the thought of enjoying any other man but her husband.   

(379.)  
One said he Sung as well as most men in Europe, and thus he proved it, the most men in Europe do not sing well, therefore I sing as well as most men in Europe.   

(380.)  
One speaking of the great Fire in London, said, Canon-street roared, Milk-street was burnt too, Wood-street was burnt to ashes, Bread-street was burnt to a coal, Pudding-lane and Pie-corner were over-baked, and Snow-hill was melted down.   

(381.)  
A young Italian Gentleman being led by curiosity into Holland, where having lived some time conversing with the most ingenious, was one day set upon by a Protestant Minister, who would needs engage him in a controversy about Religion. The young Gentleman, knowing himself too weak for the encounter, begged his diversion, and endeavoured to wave the discourse; but the more he avoided it, the more hotly was he pressed by the Minister, whereupon the young Italian in a very great passion, conjured him by all that is good, to let him alone in peace with his religion, for, said he, I cannot embrace yours, and if you make me lose my own, I will never make choice of any other.   

(382.)  
Within one of the Provinces of the United netherlands there lived a Mercenary Scribbler, who wrote a Pasquil, or Defamatory Libel against the house of Austria, and presented it to the Governor of the same place, which was a person of the most ancient Family of Nassaw. The Governor having read it, dissembled his displeasure, but with a kind of feigned smile, told him, that his invective was as sharp as could be imagined. Sir, said the Author, I have one in the press, as sharp again; let me see it, said the Governor; this libellous author, thinking he should be highly rewarded, brought him this second copy; in which was writ, as in the former, a thousand notorious and scandalous lies, not sparing the bespattering of the then virtuous Infanta with lewd reproach and obloquy; not omitting the King, Emperor, etc. The Governor hardly forbearing the concealment of his great indignation, bid him come in the afternoon, and his reward should be ready: takeing his leave of his Excellency, he returns home to his friends, further fraught with joy and hopes, than an East-India Ship with pepper, comes at the time appointed. He went to wait for his reward, and the Governor hearing of the coming of this Libeler, ordered him to go up such a pair of stairs, and there he should meet with a person should give him his due; coming to the top of the stairs, he was asked, whether he was the man that wrote the Libel, he answered very jollily, That he was the Person that had served his country with his pen, though he could not with his Sword: and that he had (he thought) painted the King of Spain, and Emperor to the Life, in their own proper colours: pray, Sir, come in said the other, I have order to give you double recompense; where presently he was seized by half a dozen strong fellows, and being stripped they gave him forty lashes on the bare back with a cat of nine tails, and were laid on by remembering him, that the first was for the Emperor: The second for the King of Spain: The third for the Infanta: And the fourth for Marquis Spinola: And so over with them again, till the number was expired; at which time the Governor came in, and told him, that this punishment was the least of desert, for abuseing so Illustrious an House as that of Austria, and that though an enemy, yet should not be abused with the scandalous reproaches of every lying Pamphleter, Let all such, like this, wear their reward on their backs, and not in their purses.   

(383.)  
A certain Minister of the Reformed Religion, preaching one Sabbath day in Amsterdam, took an occasion to lose his text, that he might find out a digressive discourse on the Magistrates of that city, several whereof were present at that time; in his Sermon he first proved, that Magistrates were as Gods on Earth, and that the Ministers were as Angels; after this he much inveighed against the supiness and carelessness of the former, in suffering Popish Idolatry to be so openly professed, with Judaisme, etc. And his zeal prompted him to say, that they should one day be answerable for their negligence, reproveing them also for many notorious Sins, &c, After Sermon, some of the Magistrates sent for him, and having severely checked him for his Insolence, and seditious Eloquence, told him, that if he ever did the like, that though he made them Gods, they would make a Devil of him, and throw him out of the Paradise of his Living, into the Hell of a Dungeon.   

(384.)  
An Italian Captain having been a long time besieged in a place, where for four months, he did eat nothing but horseflesh, at length being relieved, he returned to his former Mistress, thinking to have the same dalliances as formerly; she understanding how he had fared, since his departure; hold, said she, though I have a mind to be gotten with child, yet I am resolved never to he gotten with colt.   

(385.)  
A Gentleman in Naples being affronted by an Englishman, was resolved to be revenged; and therefore commanded his man to procure him a couple of villains, fit for his purpose; in a little time he brought his Master two whose faces were slashed and cut; the Gentleman seeing them, said, I will have none of you; but bring me them who gave you those wounds, and I will reward you.   

(386.)  
Some profane Fellows and Wenches were resolved to abuse some Friars; for, laying an Hog (which they had made dead drunk before with the lees of wine) under the table, covered with a black cloth, they sent for the Friars, telling them, that the woman's husband of the House was dead, and that they must sing a Dirge for his soul; dureing the Service the women kept such a tittering and laughing, that they were forced to avoid the room; the young men seeing that, stole out after them, that they might have the greater liberty to laugh also; one of the Friars takeing notice hereof lifted up the Cloth, and seeing it was an Hog, took him, and to be revenged of the abuse, carried him away; the woman of the house seeing them march off, called after them to return; no, no, said they, we find he is a Brother of ours, and must be buried in our Convent.   

(387.)  
A Fellow hearing the Drums beat up for Volunteers for France, in the late Expedition against the Dutch, imagined himself valiant enough, and thereupon listed himself: returning again, he was asked by his friends, what exploits he had done there; He said, that he had cut off one of the enemy's Legs, and being told that it had been more honourable and manly to have cut off his head; O, said he, you must know his head was cut off before.   

(388.)  
An old covetous Miser at Bordeaux, grudged his servants their victuals, and allowed them but a fifth part of wine, to four parts of water; one time seeing one of his servants feed very heartily, What, said he, will your grinders never be at rest? how can they, said the servant, as long as they have so little wine, and so much water.   

(389.)  
Julius the third, when he was made Pope, gave his hat to a young Favourite of his, to the general dissatisfaction of the Conclave; whereupon a Cardinal that used to be free with him said, what did your Holiness see in that young man to make him a Cardinal? Julius replied, what did you see in me, to make me a Pope?   

(390.)  
A French Peasant passing by a Ditch with his Cart full of Onions, the Cart overturned, and the Onions fell into a Ditch full of water, at sight whereof the Peasant cried out, Mort bleau, here wants nothing but a little Salt to make le bon pottage.   

(391.)  
A Dutchman in Amsterdam having heated himself with wine, grew angry; and swearing God's Sacrament, he would feign know, why the English called his Country men Butter-boxes; the reason is, said a slander by, because they find you are so apt to spread every where, and for your sauciness must be melted down.   

(392.)  
A stout Commander, having formerly in the King's Service lost his leg, was notwithstanding for his great prudence, and courage made a Captain of a second Rate Ship, and being in the midst of an engagement a Canon bullet took off his wooden Supporter, so that he was constrained to fall; the Seaman thinking he had lost his legs, cried, down with him to the Chirurgeon; I want him not, I want him not, quoth he, but send me up to the Carpenter.   

(393.)  
A Monsieur meeting the King of France's Jester, asked what news, why Sir, replied he, there are forty thousand man risen to day, I pray to what end, said the other, and what do they intend? Why, said he, to go to bed again at night.   

(394.)  
An Englishman and his wife lodging at a Frenchman's house, both so perfect children of their own countries, that neither understood each other, it so fell out, that the Englishmans Wife cried out in the night; whereupon he ran upstairs to acquaint the Midwife (who did lie above) of his wife's condition, that being done, he went down to inform his Landlord and Landlady thereof; standing by the bed side shivering in his shirt, for it was in a cold winter night, his Landlady pitying him said to her husband, Prithee, my dear, let the Englishman come into the bed to us and lie till daylight, since it is so cold, and that he cannot in civility return to his own chamber, you need not fear any thing since you are in bed with me; her request was granted, and he lay down on the other side of the woman; The Frenchman having tired himself by labour the day before, fell fast asleep; the Englishmans snake presently grew warm, and crawled up the woman's belly; the motion of the bed awaked her husband, he called out Wife, what are you doing, what are you doing? why what would you have me do, said she, if I should speak to him it would be to little purpose, for you know he understands not a word of our Language.   

(395.)  
At the Battle of Newport the Prince of Orange having the Spanish Army before him, and the Sea behind him, said to his soldiers, Gentlemen, if you intent to live, thus must you do, either eat those Spaniards, or drink up this Sea.   

(396.)  
When Metellus Nepos asked in a jeering way, the famous Roman Orator Cicero, who was his Father? he replied, Thy Mother hath made that Question harder for thee to answer.   

(397.)  
A Gentleman in Antwerp talking with a priest concerning Religion, asked, why they kissed the Cross more than any other piece of wood; and what was there more in that than any other trees else, that they did not kiss them, Why, said the Priest, is not your wife made all of the same flesh and Blood, and what is the reason that you do not kiss her backside, as well as her mouth.   

(398.)  
Pope Alexander being accustomed highly to commend the Institution of the single life of priests, and to blame their useing of Concubines, was wont to say, God hath forbidden us to get Children, and the Devil hath given us Nephews.   

(399.)  
A Spaniard and a Gascoign coming both to an Inn in France, found nothing ready, but a piece of Mutton, and a Partridge; one would have the Partridge, and the other would have it; and thereupon quarrelling, the hostess persuaded them to eat it together, no that they would not; but at last consented it should be kept for breakfast, and he that dreamt in the night the best dream, should have it. Whilst the Spaniard broke his sleep by studying a good dream, the Gascoign observing where the partridge was put, got up, and did eat it: in the morning betime they arose, and the Spaniard said, he dreamt the best dream in the world; for, said he, me thought I saw the heavens open, and a Choir of angels with music carried me to heaven. Then said the Gascoign, I dreamt I saw you so carried to heaven, and thinking you would never return, I arose in the night, and did eat the Partridge.   

(400.)  
A Cordelier and a Jacobin having taken up one Inn together; the next morning the Jacobin paid his reckoning, but the Cordelier supposing to have come off here, or else where, for a God a mercy, or a retribuet Deus, was forced by the Master of the house, who was a Protestant, to pay for what he had, by pawning some books, for the Jacobin refused to lend him a farthing. The next day travelling together, they came to a small river; whereupon the poor Cordelier put off his Sandals, and holding up his gown, began to wade: the Jacobin being well apparelled, and loath to spoil his fine clothes, called to the Cordelier to carry him over; what will you give me then, quoth he? said the other, I will redeem your books, and pay your charge at the next Inn; so the Cordelier took him up on his back, and when he was in the deepest place of the water, the Cordelier asked the Jacobin if he had money enough to make good his promise? yes that I have, said he, and thereupon chinked his money in his pocket: the Cordelier hearing this, and finding a fit opportunity to be revenged, let him drop in the water, saying, Brother, you have done very ill to make me transgress my Orders, for you know, I am bound never to carry any money about me.   

(401.)  
A Peasant having been with his Confessor told him that he had eaten Eggs that Lent, and was reproved for it; forasmuch as Eggs made Chickens, Chickens Cocks, and Cocks Capons: a little while after this Confessor sent to him for some eggs, to set under an hen, and he sent them all boiled very hard, The Curate being ignorant thereof, set them under his hen, but finding in almost a month's time no production, he broke one of them and found it hard, and so broke another, a third, a fourth, a fifth, till he had broken them all, and found them all as the first boiled. This so nettled the Curate, that he instantly went to the Peasant to know the reason of this abuse; the Peasant excused himself, saying, he knew not what he meant; Why you fool, quoth the Curate, did you ever think that Chickens could be hatched out of hard Eggs? Why Father, so you told me, said he, the last Lent; for when I confessed to you that I had eaten eggs, you chid me, saying, Eggs made Chickens, Chickens Cocks, Cocks Capons: now if boiled Eggs, which I did eat, would ever have been Chickens, Cocks, and Capons; How did I know but the boiled Eggs under your hen, would come to be so too.   

(402.)  
A Country fellow seeing the Archbishop of Cologn riding in the fields with a great retinue completely armed, laughed out aloud; being asked his reason for so doing, he answered, Because he wondered that St Peter, Christ's Vicar on earth, being exceeding poor, had left his successor so rich that his train should be more furnished with swordmen, than gownsmen. The Archbishop hearing this, and being willing that the Fellow should have better knowledge of him in his place, and dignity, told him, that he was not only Archbishop, but a Duke also, and that as a Duke he road with such an armed train of men, but when he was in Church, he was attended on as an Archbishop, Sir, said this poor fellow, I pray tell me, when my Lord Duke shall be with the Devil, what will become of the Archbishop.   

(403.)  
A simple young man had a very great love to a young Maid, as he thought; and that he might live with her quietly without wrangling hereafter, he thought of this expedient; one day he told her, that it was his full intent to marry her, and to prevent future quarrels, he said, he would tell her all the secrets of his heart, that their Alliance might be stronger; amongst many other things, he told her, that in the heat of blood he had got a son, on a friend of his, which son was yet living, and desired her not to take it amiss: No, no, said she, I am very well pleased, and now, Sir, let me tell you, that a friend of mine got me with Child, and if you intent to fortify our Alliance, it may be done with another marriage, that is between your Son, and my Daughter.   

(405.)  
A Butcher's Wife in Paris having been suspected by her husband to have Cuckolded him; to free him in part of that jealousy, seemed very devout, and frequently went to confession. One day she went to her Confessor, who amongst many questions, asked her, Whether sometimes she had not a mind to the flesh? Indeed, said she, I love flesh so well, that my mouth waters when ever I see a good bit, though it be in Lent; but I hope you eat it not, said he, not for a World, said she, I but, said he, This is not the flesh I mean; answer me, whether you ever had copulation with any besides your husband; no indeed Father, said she, I never had collation with any but my husband. Then, said he, in plainer terms, had you never a desire to lie with another man? I must confess, said she, I had a great mind to an Apothecary's Man, our next neighbour, but never did any thing; for indeed the fool either would not, or could not understand my meaning, though it was as plain as a Pikestaff. Ah Sister, said the Confessor, you know the will is as good as the deed; however for this time I will absolve you; that being done, she dropped him a low courtesy, and said, Father, I am willing to send you a quarter of mutton ready roasted for supper, if you will take it in good part. He thanked her, and said he would. The Service of the great Mass being finished, he with a couple of his friends, whom he invited to Supper, came accordingly, but the Mutton came not, wherefore a Messenger was sent to the Butcher's wife who told him, she had sent it already, he delivering his Message was sent back to assure her there was no such matter: The woman remembering the words of the Confessor, said, Friend go tell your Master, I had a good will to send it, but my husband would not let me; now your master told me, we must take the will for the deed, and so he is like for me, and be as well content without the quarter of Mutton, as if he had received it.   

(405.)  
At Calais there lived a young woman as famous for wit and beauty, as infamous for her debauchery: her husband was a very silly fellow, and though he knew of the dishonesty of his wife with several persons, yet he but mildly reproved her, fearing to do otherwise; but still advised her for the future to lock the door against such Cuckold-makeing Rascals; Alas sweet heart, said she, what will that signify, since you know my Lock is such, that every Key will fit it.   

(406.)  
A Gentleman meeting one day with a Jester that belonged to the Duke of Roven, asked him, what was his name? My name, said he, is like my fathers. And what is his name? Why his, quoth he, is like mine. Then what is both your names, said the Gentleman? to which the Jester replied, One like another.   

(407.)  
Two Shavelings (alias Friars) were in disputation, whether God had made more worlds than one? the one of them alleged that passage in the Gospel, concerning the cleansing often Lepers, being Christ's words, Anon decem facti sunt mundi? the other having had recourse first to the text, answered him as learnedly with the words following, Sed ubisunt illi novem.   

(408.)  
A French Jester being asked by one, how he should use Tobacco that it might do him good, he answered, You must keep a Tobacco shop, and sell it, for certainly there are none else find good in it.   

(409.)  
He compared Women to Quich sands, which seemed firm, but if a man came upon them, he fell in over head and Shonlders.   

(410.)  
He said, that Drawers and Tapsters should be men of great esteem, Because they are men not only of an high Calling, but also of a great reckoning.   

(411.)  
One time seeing a tall man, he said, That for certain he must needs be a great Politician, because he had an extraordinary reach.   

(412.)  
A person drunk one day, railing at him, he told the Company he mattered not any thing what he said in his cups, For he spoke nothing that he could stand to.   

(413.)  
That Painters were cunning Fellows, for they had a colour for what ever they did.   

(414)  
A Gentleman going by water with his friend, fell into some Discourse, which the busy Waterman understanding, Put in for a share in their discourse; one of the Gentlemen being angry hereat, told him, he was a saucy busy fellow, in that he must have an Oar in every man's Boat, and bade him hold his tongue; but he continueing his babbling, I protest, said the Gentleman, as they were in the middle of the Thames, If thou dost not hold thy tongue the sooner, I will knock thy head and the wall together.   

(415.)  
'Twas at first when the fashion of grey Frieze came up amongst the Gentry, especially for riding Suits, that a Wise-acre considering that it was then Ala mode, asked if there were no black of that colour, for he had a mind to have a coat of it.   

(416.)  
After the sad and dismal Fire in London, when nothing was left standing, but ruins, one passing by as they were pulling down a wall; Have a care, have a care, cries he to the Labourers, for I see the Foundation just tumbling on your heads.   

(417.)  
One sitting at Supper his Cat passed to and fro through his arms, brushing her tail against his mouth, this so offended him, that in a rage he cuts off the tip of her tail, saying, I think now Mrs. Puss, I have given you an Ear-mark: For the present the cat absented herself, but the next day came again according to her wont manner; whereupon in a fury, says he, Why, how now you troublesome Bitch are you come again, I thought I had given you your Breakfast last night.   

(418.)  
A Mechanic in the late licentious times, when every fordid Tradesman took a freedom to prate what he would instead of preaching; I say this fellow usurping the pulpit, would needs be in his comparisons, said he, The wicked keep company and flock together as beasts, birds and fishes: The Whoremasters keep one another company, as Goats on the mountains: The whorish, Babylonish Priests keep company, as Rooks, Daws and Crows, separate themselves, so do Drunkards meet together in numbers, accompanying each other even as the white Herrings swim together by themselves, and the Red Herrings by themselves.   

(419.)  
One of the Vergers of the King's Chapel (a noted Bull-maker) meeting his Godson, asked him, whither he was going? To school, said the boy: That's well done, said he, there is a tester, be a good boy and follow thy book, and I hope I shall live to hear thee preach my Funeral Sermon.   

(420.)  
A Country Attorney lying in Gray's Inn Lane over against the Gate, left one day (as it is usual) a note in his door, to signify where he was gone, but the contents of this note were very unusual: for thus he writ, I am gone to the Gray's Inn Walks Tavern, if you cannot read what here is written, carry it over the way to a Stationers, and he will do it for you.   

(421.)  
It is reported of a Mayor of an Inland Town in the West country, in the time of the Civil wars, calling his Brethren together to consult the safeguard of the town, from the injury of the approaching Enemy, said, Brethren let us separate our selus together, and let us with great inconsideration endeavour to fortify the Town; in short, it is my opinion, that there is nothing more to be done, but to make the Walls Navigable.   

(422.)  
Two travelling over Shot over hill to Oxford, said one, this Shot over hill is a fine place for a windmill; I said the other if there were any probability of forcing water hither,   

(423.)  
A Traveller swore, that in the Deserts of Arabia he had seen an Unicorn with two horns.   

(424.)  
Many dineing together at one Ordinary, made a match to play at bowls, but one would play but two shillings Rubbers; Before I will play for so little, said the other, I will sit down and walk horses.   

(425.)  
One coming into an Inn, asked the host, how long he had lived there, not three days yet, Sir, said he, the other pausing a while, asked, how many Barrels he drew a week.   

(426.)  
One falling from his horse, and pitching on his head, ran amongst a company of people standing by, And swore his neck was broken,   

(427.)  
One said, he would never endure the Moon again, for, said he, the Quean served me a slippery trick in faith the other night; for she did light me along very well till I came to a Ditch, and then slipping behind a cloud, she let me fall in.   

(428.)  
One being desired to sit down to dinner, said, I thank you kindly, but I can eat nothing, for I have had a long time no more stomach than an horse.   

(429.)  
One seeing a large fat Bull, said, I wish I might have a pair of that Bulls Cow-heels when she is killed.   

(430.)  
King James lying sick, one prayed that he might reign as long as the Sun and the Moon should endure, and the Prince his Son after him.    

STORIES. Pleasant and True  

The Comical Revenge.  
IN Poitiers in France a Nobleman owing a considerable sum of Money, his Creditors were resolved to Arrest him, let it cost them ever so much; they soon met with a fellow for their purpose, one who was as impudent as Valiant, for he would venture upon the greatest difficulty. One day he met with this Lord, and boldly coming up to him, told him what he was, and his business; the Lord made no resistance, but smothering his displeasure and revenge bid the Sergeant come along with him (it being about noon) he said, he would first dine, and then consider what was to be done. The Lord went to a Cabaret, or Tavern, and having bespoke dinner he privately sent away for some of his Servants and then fell into discourse with this Sergeant, who began to mistrust some mischief ensuing, and therefore made a thousand simple excuses for enterprising that bold attempt; the Lord said little to him till he had dined and then he called to one of his Gentlemen to bring him a pair of Sissers, being brought, go now said he, and pair that fellows nails very close, pointing to the Sergeant; he seeing there was no avoiding it, patiently endured it, although the Gentleman cut his Nails to the very quick: this being done, the Lord came to him, saying, Now, Sir I am assured you cannot scratch me, and I am resolved you shall not be able to bite me neither, so forcing him into a Chair he caused his Teeth to be drawn out one by one; Now, Sir, (said he) have a care of abusing the next time any of my rank and quality; yet now, Sir, I will be kind to you aster all this, I will sweeten your sauce for you; so causing him to be stripped starknaked, he commanded Honey to be brought, with which he anointed him all over, and rolled him in Feathers: never did African Monster appear so strange and ridiculous; Lastly, he caused a Label to be fixed to his back, wherein were written these words, This is Antichrist. Now said the Nobleman, I shall take my leave of you, not without extending my Civility farther in your behalf, I doubt you may be indisposed, and therefore you shall ride home; hereupon this Poor Devil in Feathers was mounted, with his Hands tied behind him, and his Face towards the Tail of his Horse, and so led through the Streets to the great wonder and laughter of the People.   

The Mercer transformed into a Lord.  
A Nobleman of France did very lately fall in love with a Citizen's Wife of Paris, and left no means unattempted till he had made her all compliance: This Lord being one day at Court saw the Husband of this Female Friend come into the Palace Royal, and by enquiry found that his business would not quickly be dispatched, whereupon away he slunk out of the Court, and got privately (as he thought) into the house of this Citizen, but it seems he was discovered by this Citizen's Brother, who detested the debauchery of his Sister, and therefore presently dispatched away a Messenger to Court to acquaint his Brother what unhappily he had discovered. The Citizen presently takes his Alarm, and thinking his feet too slow, took Coach and drove Jehulike, to hinder what was already past prevention. His Wife hearing a Coach come in that Furious manner to her door, imagined she was betrayed, and therefore advised the Lord that was in bed with her to rise and abscond himself in a place she had provided, in case any such discovery should happen: hearing as he thought some body coming up stairs, for haste left his clothes on the bed, which she seeing, in as great haste and confusion, threw them into a Chest, but so unadvisedly, that the embroidered sleeve of the Doublet hung ôut, of which she took no notice, but fell to dressing herself as little concerned, as if she had no more harm in her than in a little Female Devil newly arrived at the Teens. Her Husband entering the Chamber, said, Madam, I understanding that my Lord came to visit you this morning, I thought he might also have some business of great importance to whisper in my ear, and this made me return sooner than you expected. The Gentlewoman confidently replied, that he was misinformed, for there had no body been with her that day. Her Husband looking about the Room espied the Lords embroidered sleeve hang out of the Chest, and asked whose it was, and how it came thither, this subtle Woman, who like the rest of her sex, never wants an excuse in time of extremity, replied, (but trembling) Sweet heart, I beg your pardon, for my forgetfulness; A Gentlewoman, wanting money brought it me to show you, desiring to have but forty Crowns lent upon it; let me see it (said he) and looking upon it presently knew whose it was, and without discovering any passion, pull'ed off his own Coat, and put on that Embroidered with Gold; when he had so done, come come said he, I must examine your Wardrobe, and looking into the Chest found what appertaïned thereunto, as Hat, Cravat, Breeches, etc. which he took up and habited himself therewith from top to toe; being thus gallantly, nay, nobly attired, he struts to and fro the Chamber, admiring himself in his Walk, and when he had left off adoring himself, said he, now prithee Wife tell me, don't I look like a Lord? have not I his very Mein? I cannot believe but I am one now; do thou believe so to, and we shall hug one the other oftener; but all this while I pity the poor Gentleman that owns them, for doubtless he hath been at Play to Night, and losing all, is forced to deposit his Garments, and is it may be now acold for his heat of Fancy. This Nobleman being in a strange confusion, knew not what to do, nor say; at length collecting a little courage, she had the confidence to say, Sir, you strangely impose upon me; for why is it not as Lawful for me to go to the Court of Aids, as for you to go so often to the Exchange? No, replied he, since you have fitted me for the Court, I'll no more to the Exchange; and thereupon instantly went down stairs, and calling for a Coach, ordered the Coachman to drive him instantly to the Palace Royal, where dismounting, he betook himself to the long Gallery, where the Nobility usually frequented, at his approach, the Eyes of all the Court were upon him, every one wondering what this Fine thing should be, after several opinions were spent upon him, it was concluded by the most, that as he was a stranger, he could by his habit be no less than a Nobleman; at length a Courtier, drawing near to Caress and Compliment this Noble stranger, looking steadfastly in his face, knew him, and cried out aloud, O the Devil, is it you Mr. Coquelineux; and thereupon made all the haste from him he could to inform his Majesty first, of a strange sight was newly come to Court, viz. his Mercer as fine as any Lord. His Majesty commanded him to be brought in, which was as the other designed and desired. At first sight the King knew the Person, and to whom those fine clothes properly belonged, and was strangely surprised at the sight of both so improperly conjoined. At length says the King, Coquelineux, prithee thy meaning for this thy fantastical appearance: wouldst thou by this Garb (because I am in thy Books) persuade me to make thee what thou dost personate? Though I owe thee Money, yet I owe thee no such hnnour; besides, if thou wouldst only barely represent a Lord, thou art mistaken in the time, for this is no day of State. The Mercer heard his Majesty with great attention, and perceiving an Answer was expected, replied, May it please your Majesty, my intent of coming hither, was to no other end then to restore to the right owner his due. This splendid Suit with the appurtenances I found in my Wife's Chamber, and discovered where she had laid them by the sleeve of this embroidered Coat hanging out of the Chest carelessly: upon a full view, I asked whose they were; she very ingeniously told me, A Gentlewoman brought them to her to show to me, to know how much I would lend upon them, but I mistrusting they may be stolen from some person of Quality, thought fit to put them on, and walk publicly at Court, for by that means the right owner may come to a better knowledge of his goods by sight, than any description. The King could not forbear laughing heartily to see so much seeming honesty, and simplicity in his Mercer; and that which added to his further mirth was the consideration of what a condition the Lord was in, whom he concluded to be left without Garments: now that his Majesty might not lose so brave an opportunity for delight, he caused two Pursuivants to be sent immediately to the Mercer's House, and there search for this Nobleman, and, if found, to bring him instantly to Court, sans all excuse of going any where else. This Lord fearing some such design, thought any delay dangerous in staying, clothed himself in the habit of the Mercer, and as an assistance to his disguise, he put on a black Gown which he found hanging up, which belonged to a Doctor of Physic then lying in the House; and in this Equipage thinking to go home undiscovered, as he was sneaking out of the doors he was met by the Pursuivants, who knowing him by his Countenance, told him in few words, what his Majesty had commanded them, and that without excuse or delay he must instantly appear before His Majesty: he seeing there was no avoiding it went (not without great disorder in his thoughts) with the Officers. The King and several of the Nobles seeing this Lord in such an Antique dress, fell into such a Laughter, that they utterly forgot the civility that was due to the Royal Presence; The King having laughed his sides sore, had at last leisure to say; how now Cousin, whence came you? the Nobleman, who was very facetious, presently replied, from Hell I think an't please your Majesty, for I came from a bottomless pit: Indeed (said the King) by your Garb you look as if you had been a Conjuring somewhere. You are in the right Sir (said the Lord) for I can assure your Majesty this Morning I raised the Devil, and laid his Dam: in short, I will tell your Majesty the whole Truth; a Friend of mine was in a high Fever, and wanted a cooling Clyster, and would have No one to administer it but myself: I pitying her condition, in compliance to her desires performed this Morning the part of a Charitable Physician. The King by these words very well understood what his Cousin had been doing, and in raillery checked him: saying, indeed you are to blame to give any Woman Physic without the consent of her Husband; for the time to come forbear such practices, if for no other cause than to shun making such a Metamorphosis as you have done already: for see there, a Mercer changed into a Lord, and here a Lord changed into a Conjurer; and so dismissed them, allotting the Mercer that gorgeous Suit in part of satisfaction of the wrong he had received, whilst the others shame was a sufficient punishment.   

A French Nobleman Cuckolded by his Servants,  
IT is customary among the Nobility, and persons of great quality in France to lie in Chambers apart from those of their Ladies. Now there was a Lord (shall be at present nameless) who notwithstanding his Lady was as eminent a Beauty as most was in France, yet he must (forsooth) follow the humour of the Country; now when at any time he had a desire to enjoy the sweet embraces of his lovely consort, rising from his own bed he would steal out in the dark in his Shirt, making no noise, and knocking at his Lady's Chamber door softly, she knowing his custom gave him admittance; now besides the Mode, he had another reason (as he said) to approve thereof, because it looked so like whoring. Having performed the necessary and obliging duty of the Marriage Bed, he returned to his own Chamber there to spend the residue of the Night in an undisturbed repose. One of this Lord's Valet de Chambre's taking notice of this humour, concluded that he might have the same admittance into his Lady's Chamber, and participate of the same Pleasures by the same means his Master's humour had inculcated into his thoughts. Upon a serious consultation with himself, he concluded that Night best for the accomplishing his Design, in which his Master had visited his Lady; about an hour after he resolved to put his lustful Project in Practice; which he did so well by imitation that he got entrance: Your own thoughts may inform you how they spent the time, without my putting the modest to the extravagant expense of blushes. All I shall say is, That this Fellow performed his part so vigorously and so often, that when he went from her, he left her all wonder and amazement: and that which increased her admiration was not only his profound silence, although she urged him to speak to her with all the melting Rhetoric she could devise, but the coming of her busband twice as she supposed; whilst she was thus ruminating with herself being left alone, her Husband stimulated more than ordinary by some provocatives he had taken the day before, cometh and with his accustomed knock and whisper demanded entrance, she knowing her Lord's voice arose and let him in; as he was about to prosecute his accustomed enjoyment, his Lady begged him to forbear, urging that he was much to blame to be so inordinate in his desires: what (said she) Could not you my Lord (since you find so great an alteration) be content to have out done yourself this night by so many repetitions, but that you must again expose your body; to the injury of the cold in so short a time again and coming a third time, in less than two hours? Nay, nay sweetheart this is but twice, you wrong me indeed said he: To which she replied, That she was not mistaken, for assuredly it was so often. Hereupon this Gentleman began to pause upon it; and from what he had already heard and gathered from other circumstances he verily believed that he had been abused by one of his Servants; but kept all close from his Lady (for she was a virtuous Gentlewoman) to avoid the ill consequences such a discovery might produce. Having laid a while (in which time he studied to divert his Lady as he could) he got up, and being come into his own Chamber he could not rest there long, but putting on his Breeches and a Gown went into all his Male servants Chambers that were about him, making, along as he went, a strict enquiry with his Nose in every Bed, for it seems this Lady was well scented. There was one of whom he at length might have some grounds of suspicion; becanse, besides his complexion which never failed of ardent inclination to the Female Sex, he was both a handsome and a very subtle Fellow, but he could not tell which Bed he lay in; by chance groping up and down in the dark he found his Bed, and pulling up the clothes smelled a perfume he was very well acquainted with; and from thence judged this must be the Rogue that had done him this dishonour; wherefore that he might be sure to know him the next day, he took out of his Pocket a pair of Scissors, and snipt off one of his Whiskers, for than it was the Fashion to wear them. This Fellow was awke, and by this knew very well his Master, and his Design, first by smelling, and then by marking him, that he might be known the next day, to prevent which as soon as his Master was gone, he instantly starts up; and going into all the Chambers aforesaid, cuts off (from every one that had any) that Whisker that was on the same side of the Mouth that his was on, and returns to his own Bed. The Servants getting up next morning, and seeing each others right Whisker gone, stood staring one upon another like so many distracted Bedlamites, not knowing what to say, or whom to accuse. In short, one that was known sufficiently to be an arch Rogue was suspected, and thereupon some of the more passionate fell upon him and abused him most pitifully, others took his part, by which means they were all engaged by the Ears; at the noise hereof the whole House was alarmed, and running to see what was the matter, they were so surprised with the strangeness of such a Comical sight, that laying aside all respect to their Lord and Lady, they laughed beyond measure. Sure it must be very pleasant to see two such contrary Passions, in one entire Company, proceeding from one and the same cause. These poor Semi-barbarians finding themselves laughed at by their fellows, whom they observed not so abused as they were, imagining them the Plotters of this mischief, and without examining whether it was so or no, diverted the quarrel among themselves upon the others. Now did the Combat begin afresh, with more eagerness than before, which caused one to run and tell the Lord, that there was a Civil War Commenced among his Servants, and that if he came not quickly and decided the Controversy their fury would utterly leave him destitute of his present Attendance. Hereupon his Lordship commanded a Cessation of Arms, & commanded they should come before him; and having cleansed themselves from the Blood, each Face by Fight had contracted; (for as they then were, one Face could hardly be distinguished from the other) they appeared before their Lord in the great Hall. In the mean time he ordered his Lady to be there. Upon the appearance of the men, my Lord and Lady were possessed with the same different Passions as their Servants were; for the first was in a Fury to see that Traitor who had abused him; whilst the other fell into the greatest laughter imaginable; after a little time the half Whiskers made a bitter complaint against the whole whiskers, as to the injury they had sustained in the abuse of their beards; the Defendants alleged that they were guiltless of the Fact, and that for their good will in coming to part them they were Assaulted by them. To end the Controversy, in short, said my Lord, it was I that cut off one Whisker, whosoever is the owner thereof I will have his Head off too for an irreparable injury he hath done me; their former passion was now converted into another of that for fear, so that now their Knees waged more than their Hands before; look here (said my Lord) whose remaining Whisker matcheth this in Colour, he is the Subject of my revenge. Hereupon Carrats fell on his knees, and begged his Pardon, confessing the whole Truth; for this witty endeavour of concealment he gave him his Life with the loss of his Ears, and delivered him over to the abused Semiwhiskers who got a blanket and tossed him so long in Revenge, that they had like to tossed his bones out of his skin, as well as him out of his Lordship's service.   

A mad Wooer well fitted.  
ONE Wooing a Widow, more to satisfy his Friends, than to oblige his own inclinations told her, that he had three qualities which she must be acquainted with before he married her. The first was, when he went abroad, and returned home he should be angry without a cause; Secondly, he must eat his meat alone; And Thirdly, that he should lie with her but once a Month. If this be all (said she) I care not; for as to the first, whereas you say, you shall be angry without a cause, I will take care to give you cause enough, never fear. And for the second in eating your Meat alone, do and spare not; but it shall be after I have dined. And as for you Lying with me but once a Month, take your course; if you will not, another shall, for in that time, I shall have a Month's mind to another.   

A great noise to little purpose.  
IN the latter end of Queen Elizabeth's Reign, there was a great rumour of an Invasion, whereupon great numbers of Horse and Foot were raised about London, insomuch, that the whole Kingdom was terribly affrighted; but all coming to nothing, a Country Gentleman then in the City asked his Friend, to what end was all that Mustering in London and Middlesex. To what end (quoth the other?) why to Mile-End; for there was the general Muster. And to what end were so many Barges, and Liters sent down to block up the Thames? To what end? why though Gravesend, quoth the other. I but said the Gentleman to what end was the great hurley-burley by Land and Water? To what end (quoth the other?) why in troth as far as I understand to no end at all.   

The Amorous Contest.  
THE Duke of Lerma used, by way of Magnificency and State, when he washed before Dinner, to give a Ring to him that held the Basin, and another to him that held the Ewer: One time above the rest, having a Diamond Ring on his Finger, he made this public proposition, that whosoever of the Company could relate the saddest story in Love Affairs should have the Ring: whereupon a Gentleman there present undertook the task, and thus began.  

May it please your Grace to understand; that I a long time served two Mistresses, of different Form and Feature, the one as foul as the other fair; the one loved me, whom out of mere gratitude I was obliged to show some respect; the other hated me as much, as I loved the other beyond expression. Being utterly destitute at last of all hope and Comfort, I dedicated my whole time to solitude, which in a little time brought on me a desperate Fever, which in the opinion of my Physicians would not end, but with my Life. The report hereof coming to my cruel fair ones ear, made her come to visit me, who seeing to what weakness I was reduced, smothered no longer her flame (having for some Reasons hitherto, concealed her soft Passion) but professed how endearedly she loved me, and how sorry she was her coyness had brought me to this condition. No Cordial could so revive my Spirits, neither Julip so allay my unnatural heat, as did these sweet and melting expressions, so that in a short time I recovered my strength. Her Father hearing of her Love, vowed to cross it, and thereupon locked her up from my sight; but finding (do what he could) that we privately conveyed Letters to one another; he animated my Rival to fight me: In short we fought, and by the happy Influence of Heaven, I gained the Victory with my Rival's Death: Now the Law of my Country being very severe against Duels, I was forced to fly, hoping in time my friends would procure my Pardon. But now to make my Misery complete, the cruel Father of my Mistress forced her in my absence to Marry an old Count his Neighbour, the Corruption of whose Body rendered him fitter for a Grave than a Marriage Bed. Now, if your Grace do judge my Calamity can receive addition, and that my Afflictions lay not claim to your Ring▪ be pleased to bestow it on some more wretched than myself.   
He had no sooner ended his Speech, but another thus began.  

Great Prince,  
I Must begin my mournful Story where this Gentleman ends his. He received at once, both a Pardon for the Murder and a Letter from his Mistress to make haste into her embraces; the Count her Husband being gone a long Journey, he desired me to Associate him in this pleasing journey, and I willingly yielded to his invitation. Arriving at the Old Count's Castle his Mistress met him with the same joy, and gladness with which the Spring the Sun doth entertain. Long did their Kisses interrupt their Speech, which at length broke out into unfeigned protestations, how much their past miseries had endeared each to other. When they had chatted their fill, to Supper we went, which finished, a Banquet succeeded, ravishing both to Eye and Palat. This ended, one comes in, and whispering the Lady in the Ear, she instantly changed Colour, and cried out, she was undone for ever, unless I did her one friendly Office, which should eternally engage her to me; having told her, I desired no greater honour than to die in her Service, she then informed me, that the old Count her Husband was returned, and newly gone to Bed being very weary and expected her coming. Now Sir, said she, not daring to trust any of my Maids, with the Secret of my Friend's being here, but you and my Sister, do me the favour about an hour hence to put on one of my Coives, and one of my Smocks and go to bed to my Husband who without doubt will be asleep before you come; if he be not, all he will do is but to hug you about the middle or kiss you, for other dalliance you need not fear him; besides Age hath not yet brushed your Chin, so that it seems to me as smooth as mine; by this means shall I and my dearest beloved own all the fruition of loloves delights to you alone. In short, Sir, I was not only attentive, but obedient to her request, and into the supposed Bed of the old Count I went, where I was no sooner laid, but I heard him breath, and felt him stir and move towards me, whereat I shrunk away to avoid his loath some touch; but he moved still onwards, and I farther, and farther, till I lay half naked out of bed. In the morning as I was shrinking out of Bed to be gone, on a sudden my Friend and the Countess came dancing into the Chamber, he in his Shirt, and she in her Smock: my Soul hereat was strangely divided betwixt fear and wonder, fear of my own detection, and amazement at their boldness, thinking that excess of pleasure had made them run distracted. At length coming to the Bedside drawing the Curtains, each of them with a Taper in their hand showed me the most lamentable and unpardonable error that ever man committed, for instead of the old rotten Count, there lay by me the Sister of the Countess, who for sprightful youth, and charming beauty Nature never yet produced her like▪ Now, when with the highest admiration I beheld this Miracle of her Sex, and what a Heaven of happiness I, by mistake, had lost. I hardly could refrain from laying violent hands on myself: my friend reaped his enjoyments, which I am never like to do; for being forced to leave the Castle in a very little time after I heard she is removed I know not wither, so that I must now languish and die in the Tyranny of restless desire.   
This Speech being ended, the Duke confessed that they both deserved much, but he questioned whether the Count's Sister deserved not as Much as both, nay, more, for she knew who was in Bed with her, and knowing herself so near a good turn and miss it, aggravates vexation to the very height, and therefore said, the Ring to her did properly belong.   

Purgatory.  
THe Pope gave a Priest a Silver Bason and endued it with this virtue, that whosoever dropped a French Crown into it, or to that value, his Friend's Soul should instantly upon the sound of it be delivered out of Purgatory. In the Town where the Priest lived dwelled a mad debauched fellow, whose Uncle had left him a good estate. To him this priest came, and offered for a French Crown to free his Uncle's Soul from Purgatory. The young man replied, it was a reasonable proposition, whereupon he took out a Crown, and dropped it into the Basin, than asked the Priest if his Uncle's Soul was yet out of Purgatory? I dare lay upon my life it is freed, said the Priest; which words were no sooner said, but the young man took up his money again, and put it into his pocket, whereat the Priest displeased said, if you take your money again, his Soul will again enter into Purgatory. Nay said the young man there is no fear of that, for if my Uncle be as obstinate an old Knave, dead, as he was, living, if he-be once out all the▪ Devils in Hell cannot get him in again.   

The Cheater Cheated.  
A Comly Matronly Woman (whom I shall forbear to nominate) lately lived in the Burrow of Southwark, who wanting things necessary both for the Ornament of the body, and furniture of a house, held a long consultation with herself how she might effect her desires by a well contrived credit. Many plots she laid, but found none of them firm enough to build the structure of her designed advantage, till she chanced to hit upon this stratagem. She had a Daughter which was more handsome than honest, and much more witty than wise, in short, both Mother & Daughter were as right as my leg, and as good as ever twanged. These two consulting together, concluded thus, that they should in the first place change their habitation, but before they did it, the Daughter went to one of the Devils Factors, alias a Tally-man (with whom she was acquainted) and took up all the Materials belonging to man's Apparel, which she said was for her Husband, who was returned home to receive what pay was due to him for serving his Majesty by Sea, against the Hollander. She told her story so plausibly, expressing so much joy for his escape, and what great advantages were like to accrue to her by the Valour of her Husband, that the Tally-man did not only trust her with a Suit of man's apparel, but furnished herself with many necessary things she wanted. Being laded with credit, home she came, and having removed all their goods to a place convenient for their future projects, the old Gentlewoman played the changeling with her sex, by throwing off her Female weeds, and clothing herself, in every respect like a man; the young Baggage for a while pretended her Mother was lately dead, and that being left to the wide world, she knew not what course to steer for want of advice; there was a young man who belonged to the Sea, did court her, but she was fearful of engaging; she at length and that in a little time had so wrought upon the affections of divers of the Neighbours, partly by her good face and notable smooth tongue, that they undertook not only to advise but assist her. Whereupon understanding that her Sweetheart lay as a Lodger in her house, some of them came to inquire into his estate, and being very well satisfied therein, they then inquired into his resolution of marrying this young woman, he protested he loved her before any in the World, and if she would they should be married the next day, it was agreed upon, and accordingly the Mother in a Masculine habit went to Church where they were married according to form; great was the jollity that day, and night approaching they went to bed together, but without any hopes of reaping the sweet enjoyment of a Marriage bed, but by a dream or the strength of imagination. The next day their mirth increased, neither was there any diminution of it for one whole week. Having spent time enough in rejoicing, they now pretended to mind their business, the one for the house and the other abroad, who carried her business so craftily, that she was not in the least suspected to be any other than she seemed to be, for she was a Woman of an undannted Spirit, and having a nimble Tongue and quick invention, she had learned to bounce and huff with any Bully-Ruffin in the Strand, Holbourn, or Convent-garden; besides as a further qualification to that boisterous occupation, she could Smoak, Drink, and Swear with any Dam, within twenty miles of London; but when she returned home, and was amongst her Neighbours, she always wore the Vizor of temperance and sobriety, never Swearing, nor seldom Drinking more but what might be the Oil to cheerfulness and hilarity. Having gotten the good opinion of her Neighbours, she was now resolved to make use of their Purses, which she might easily do, by pretending she had a great deal of money due from the Navy office, and which she had not received, but should speedily; and to confirm their belief showed them several counterfeit Tickets. This so wrought with some, that they lent her money, and though not every one much, yet many a little makes a Mickle. Having enriched themselves with the spoils of others, and not daring to stay any longer in that place, they secretly removed and took a house remote from the former to prevent discovery; in this house they intended to sell all sorts of Liquors for the entertainment of men, and Women, and therefore the old one thought it requisite to appear in a Garb suitable to that profession, which was very plain, and that she might possess the People with an Opinion that she was (as so dressed) an innocent harmless Cuckold she behaved herself so simply to her supposed Wife, that every one jndged him what he seemed, and thereupon made addresses to the young one at such convenient times as the old one went abroad on purpose, or was more than ordinary busy below; by this means they had a very great Trade, especially by that Venery which was winked at as aforesaid; in this manner they continued a good while, and I have been credibly informed, that the Mother, (and supposed Husband to her own Daughter) when she had a desire to the same satisfactions she had pimped for her Daughter, she would put on her own Female Habit, and sitting in the house as a customary Plyer, the Daughter frequently by way of a kind return, did play▪ the Bawd for the Mother so long till they were apprehended, for keeping a disorderly house, and being carried to a justice upon Examination were found guilty of what was alleged against them and so were committed to Bridewell, the Keeper viewing the Faces of them both very strictly imagined he had seen before the Face of the elder which personated the man, but could not for the present tell where; at length he verily believed she had been formerly under his Jurisdiction, hereupon he seized her doublet, and striping it open, found by liar Breasts what he had suspected; the former Justice was informed hereof, who sent for them both to appear before him, upon further examination the seeming man was found to be only a lusty woman, and Mother to that young woman she had married; likewise it was proved against the young woman that she had frequently dressed herself in man's apparel to enjoy her Amours with the greater security abroad, for which, they were both sent back again to Bridewell, where they were severely lashed for their cheating Metamorphosis.   

The Innocent Acceit.  
A Person being very Rich, was likewise oftentatious and very peevish, a Daughter he had was tolerably handsome, and was entirely beloved by a Country Gentleman, of no mean Estate, having gained the young Gentlemomans' consent, he acquainted her Parents with the Love he bore their Daughter, who no sooner heard it, but were in a great Passion, their ambition judging him too mean a Fortune, and therefore not only refused his offer, but very uncivilly forbade him the House: saying, Moreover, that if it should be their misfortune, and his imaginary happiness to steal a Marriage and rob them of their Daughter, he would never give them a farthing. He obeyed their commands in that, but resolved notwithstanding that he would see his Mistress whatever came on't; Love soon found out a way to effect it, at which interview he told her what had passed between him, and her Parents, and the refusal of the Match proposed; she seemed exceedingly troubled hereat, and wept bitterly, the other to comfort her, swore if she would be constant, he would never forsake her; and to show the reality and integrity of his Affection offered to Marry her immediately, she consented, and being married with all convenient speed, they performed the rights of Hymen, and sent her home to her Father's House, desiring her not to take any Notice of what had passed, and since the time of their being together was so short the Old ones could not suspect any thing  
A few days after this new married Gentleman got his (supposed Maiden) Wife into his company, and having repeated his former delights, he told her, he would go into the Country, giving her directions where to send to him, and that if she proved with Child, and that her Parents should discover it, as that they would quickly do, that then she should dissemble the greatest grief imaginable, and when pressed very much to discover the Father, she should then confess it was such a one, who had formerly made Love to her but her Parents would not accept of the Motion; as for the rest said he, leave the whole management to me.  
Upon this they parted, and she proved with Child according to his expectation. The Mother perceiving the frequent Pewkings of her Daughter, with the swelling of her Belly, took her into a private place and there conjured her to tell her the naked Truth, whether she was no with Child? The Daughter with many sighs and teaiss, confessed that she was, and that such a Gentleman living in the Country had done it: The Mother like a Woman distracted, first locked up her Daughter, and then ran to her Husband, and calling him aside, told him of the shame and Infamy that had befallen his Family, and by whom; this unexpected news made him ten times madder than his Wife; but at length they both concluded that it was but a folly, either to rave or rail at their Daughter, but to study some means to sauder up the rack of their Daughter's Honour. No better expedient was thought on, but to write to the Gentleman and acquaint him with what he had done, requiring satisfaction; this Letter was sent, and another returned by him in Answer thereunto; to this effect, That it is true he had lain with their Daughter, but he knew not whether he got her with Child, for she that can dispense with being a Whore to one, will be so to another. In short he concluded, that he had no more to say than this, That if she would be so impudent, to lay the Child to him he must maintain it, but as for her part, he had nothing to say to her, for he had already over-paid her that little pleasure, he had purchased of her.  
This return nettled them to the heart, and they sho'wd it their Daughter with all the opprobrums that can be uttered. The poor young woman replied not a word, supplying her speech with nougt but sighs and tears. The old people grieved at this, sent down a milder Letter, requesting the favour, that he would be pleased to come up to London for they had some business extraordinary with him, tending much to his advantage. He sent them word, that he had extraordinary businefs where he was, and that he neither could, or would stir from it. As the Belly swelled, so did their sorrow, fearing there was no remedying the cause thereof.  
Yet upon another consultation the Daughter told her Father, that before ever she consented he promised her Marriage; this made the old Gentleman caper, Nay them said he we are well enough; immediately calling for Pen, Ink, and Paper he wrote another Letter, charging the Gentleman home with his Promise sometimes threatening him, if he made it not good, and then sweetening him again, etc. beseeched him to make a journey up. This Gentleman (seeing it high time to condescend to what he most desired) sent word by such a day he would (if in health) infallibly be in London, to no other end, than to understand his will and pleasure. The Gentleman is as good as his Word, a stately Dinner is provided with plenty of Wine, and the Cloth being taken away, there was no other discourse, than how to salve up their Daughter's Credit by a speedy Marriage, and as an encouragement they would give him a Thousand pounds: He slighted it, alleging further (with a Sir-reverence to the company,) he would never, sh— in his own Hat, and then clap it on his head; as they advanced he more and more slights their proposals, saying that an Estate of two hundred a year deserves a greater Portion; at length they offered him two Thousand Pounds, to be paid immediately, he accepts of it with this Proviso, that upon the Birth of the Child their Daughter now goes with, there shall be paid more, five hundred Pounds: it is agreed to, and the Parents were so eager and solicitous in the preservation of the Honour of their House that they would needs have the Marriage consummated immediately, the Country Gentleman agreed thereunto, and presently sent away for the same Parson that married them; who being desired by the Parents to join those two together in Matrimony, he smiled, and said, Sir, that is needless, for I have done it already; How said the Old Gentleman? 't is very true replied the Son-in-law, and for Confirmation, see here the Certificate before your Daughter was with Child; and so she is no Whore, but an honest Wife▪ Nay then said the Old Gentleman I see I am gulled, but since it is no worse, and that our Family is not defamed, I will make the odd Five hundred a Thousand pounds, and so God bless you together.   

The Frenchman & the Baker's wife.  
A Frenchman not long since took a Lodging near a Baker, who though poor, yet very rich in having so handsome a Woman to his Wife, and was never blemished in her reputation by any light deportment. This Frenchman presently had her in his Eye, and courted her importunitely, and expensively, but to no purpose; Treats proving ineffectnal, he offered her Fifty Guinney's if she would permit him to lie with her all night, she refused it, but privately told her Husband what Monsieur had offered her, and upon what account; the Baker scratched his head not knowing what to do; Poverty persuaded on the one side, and love hindered on the other from acceping this proffer; at length said he, dearest, there is a way to be thought on to save thy chastity, and yet we will have his money, and that is thus: I will pretend to go out of Town such a day, then do you upon the condition aforesaid promise Monsieur his satisfaction the night following, in the mean time, you know Tow— the Cobbler, a stout fellow, him will I engage with five pounds to assist me, we will have each of us a good broad Sword, and thus armed we will creep underneath your Bed, and when the Frenchman hath paid you the Gold (which you must have first) and he is just going to bed we will crawl out and surprise him. It was generally agreed, and Monsieur had notice of the assignation, who though he understood that the husband was gone out of town, yet he feared an ambuscado, and therefore carried a brace of Pistols with him, besides a good Rapier. Entering the Room, he caressed her, a la mode de France, and being very fiery, he could suffer no delays but giving her the Gold, ordered her to make what haste she could to bed, and he would follow after. In the first place he drew out his Pistols and laid them by him, and then undressed himself, seeing her in bed, he takes up his Sword and Pistols and advanceth towards her, she seeing him in that posture, asked him what he meant? No thing Madam of harm, only me love to have all de Arms, me sord by me side, me Pis-stools in me haunds, and the Dagger before, when me go to take a Citadel or Fort, and laying down his Sword, by his bed side, he skipped into bed with his Pistols and laid them just over her head; not to lose time, be stormed the Fort, and took it, and notwithstanding he was several times beaten out of the breach was made in the assault, yet he boldly entered again and took possession. The poor Cuckold (and the Cobbler who lay underneath the Bed) could not but hear what was doing above, yet durst not stir for their lives, nay not so much as whisper, for fear of being heard; Monsieur having gone through stitch with his work, and tired to boot, leapt out of bed with his Pistols, and taking up his Sword, went to the farther end of the room and dressed himself, having so done, he calls to his reaking Miss, bidding her to come to him, she excused herself, saying she was in a great sweat, and might catch her death thereby, but seeing Monsieur grow resolute, she obeyed. Monsieur hereupon clapped a Pistol to her breast, saying, Begar Mrs. Bish-Fox, give me my Gold, begar if you will not— for love, begar you shall never have my money, and so taking the Guinny's from her, went courageously down the stairs to his Lodging. Monsieur being gone, out crawls the Cowardly Cobbler, and the Cuckoldly Coward, each blaming one another, and both the woman; what would you have me to do quoth she, since he lay atop of me, and what would you have us to do said they, since you both did lie a Top of us; well Husband all that I can say is, by this covetous stratagem of yours, you have made me a Whore; Proved that mighty man your friend a rank Coward, and yourself an unpardonable Cuckolk.   

The old Miser out-witted by his daughter.  
A Merchant of Landon, growing old and Rich, Retired himself a little distance from the City, for the Benefit of the Air, and took with him his Sister and an only Daughter, having no other Relations living; and though he had left of Trading, yet some business he had with a Merchant in the City that called him thither thrice a week completely. A Servant to the Corespondent of this old Gentleman, had a great and real love for his Daughter, whose Beauty alone, without the encouragement of a Vast estate her Father intended to give, was inducement enough for any man's affection; and such was his Happiness that she entertained a more than common kindness for him; but it was both their unhappiness, that the Father understood their loves, and to prevent their further growth by meetings, he committed his Daughter to the careful tuition of her Aunt, who was so jealous of her trust, that she walked, nor talked with any unless she was present, so that she was inaccessible to her Languishing despairing Lover, yet did he leave no means unattempted, if not to discourse, yet at least to see his beloved object, haunting the House like some disturbed Ghost, but all to little purpose. The Fates at length pitying the sufferings of these two constant lovers, infused a stratagem into the young Gentlewoman's head, whereby they might have a Mutal, and a constant correspondence by Letter, of which she informed her Love by dropping a paper out of the Window to this effect;  
Friend dearer than Life,  
MOdesty will not permit me to discover my Grief, and Troubled thoughts for being thus debarred of your speech, and presence, and that which aggravates my sorrow is the often seeing you, without the ability of coming to you, However some comfort my invention hath of late procured me by finding out a way how we may express our minds to each other by writing; 't is thus in short, I have a little unripped the Cape of my Father's Cloak (that's lined with Velvet) into which I have put a letter; when he comes to your Masters be officious to help him off with his Cloak, which he uses to do when he goes to Dinner, and in the Cape you will find my Soul contained, which take out, and send yours in the Room to her who lives no longer than whilst she loves, etc.  
The satisfaction that he received from these Lines was inexpressible, but much more, when he found the plot took so well, that he could twice a Week send to, and hear from the only comfort of his Life, and keeper of his happiness. By this stratagem they held a correspondence a longtime, but being eager of an interview, they had like to have spoiled all; for in a Letter he appointed her a place where they would meet, in order thereunto she stole out of the House, but not so Privately, but that she was watched by her Aunt, and followed to the place, where seeing this young man, and knowing whose Servant he was, reviled him with all the reproaches imaginable for endeavouring to seduce her Niece, a fortune too Sublime for such a Grovelling Earth Worm as he; but, said she, I'll acquaint my Brother with your Knavish intentions, who shall take a Course to prevent your proceedings, and with other Minaces away she goes with her Kinswoman, leaving the young man in a Condition more Miserable than imaginable▪  
At Night the Old Gentleman returning, he was informed by his Sister of what had Past in his absence, notwithstanding, all her Care, and watchfulness; at the report thereof the Old man was ready to run distracted, and no body but would have guest so much by his raving, every word being an express symptom of Madness; he called his Daughter a Thousand mis becoming names, and the best was Baggage, Strumpet, etc. reviling her with disobedience and what not; and that which made her condition the more intolerable was, he would not let her speak in her own defence, and as she was about to do it, he flung out of the Room and left her; glad she was that she had some respite from her Sorrow, and so betook herself to her Chamber, where locking herself in she instantly writ a Letter to her Love, acquainting him with her Father's Deportment towards her, with a Register of the very Names he called her, with other abuses, and having so done she slid it into the Cape as aforesaid.  
The Old man arose very early the next Morning, in a passion, and to London he trotted, having no other business than to acquaint, the Merchant (his Friend) how he was abused by his Servant, and to vent his Spleen, and Choler on him.  
The young man was abroad at his coming, so that his Master received all the Shock of the Old Gentleman's fury, who was a little tamed by him before his return, by informing him that his man was not so Dispicable as he imagined, having so much Per annum in Land, besides a good stock of Money to begin the World with; that besides all that, he would trust him (as soon as free) with a Thousand pounds' hrmself; this they talked walking in a great Hall, the C loak Hanging up in the Parlour; where they ursually Dined, which gave our Lover on his return the opportunity of receiving his usual intelligence. He could not but be troubled you must think,, when he read how his Love was abused, but since he could not remedy it, he was resolved to make use of the information. He had just finished his Reading, as they both came into the Parlour, where immediately upon entrance the Old man raved and railed most insufferablly, calling him Beggars brat, Thief, Cheat, etc. And how durst he have that aspiring thought to Rob him of his only Daughter, Heiress to above forty thousand Pounds.  
The young man with much Patience heard, and modestly told him he was much to blame, to vilify him after that manner, since it was well known, that he was not only a Gentleman, but born to an estate: but Sir, (said he) it is no wonder, you miscall me, when you spare not your own chaste and virtuous Daughter, calling her by the base and false names of Baggage, Strumpet, etc. hay Day, hay Day, a Wizard, a Wizard, (quoth the Old man) else how could he tell those very Names, I do confess I called my Daughter. Well, Sir, now I know how to be rid of a Knave; I am glad on't; I'll have you Indicted, and arraigned for a Witch, and so I hope to see you burn for your Lechery. His kind Master, seeing the Passion of this peevish piece of antiquity caused his man to withdraw, whilst he endeavoured to infuse a better opinion in him towards his Servant, which gave him the convenience of writing; after Dinner his Master and the old man withdrew into the Hall again, and then (as formerly) he conveyed the Note into the Cape of the Cloak. Was not this an honest Porter think you that would thus constantly carry Letters for Lovers some Miles, and never demand a Penny, Coming home and hanging up his Cloak, according to custom, took aside his Sister into the Garden, and there discoursed her, telling all that had passed between him, his Friend and the Servant; in the mean time the Daughter examined the Cape, and found what she expected, wherein she was informed of the passionate carriage of her Father, with his abusive language, and to sweeten all, he pleasantly related how he was suspected for a Wizard, occasioned by his happy intelligence.  
The old man returning from the Garden fell foul on his Daughter with revilling terms; Dear Father (said she) use your pleasure as to me; call me what you will, though I deserve not the abuse, I will patiently endure it, but do not abuse that honest young man; assure yourself he is no Beggar's brat, Thief, Cheat, nor Wizard: hay day, hay day, hay day (cries the old man again) what my Daughter a Witch too; well, well, since it is so, you shall even have my consent to be Married to a stake togethet, and so you shall have a Bonfire at your Wedding.  
These very words she sent back to her Lover in her Father's Cape, who took an opportunity to take it out, and having read it, waited to meet the old man, who was consulting with his Master, and was by him so fully informed as to his Servants estate, his honesty, and industry in his service, with several other things which tended highly to his advantage, that the old Gentleman was willing to admit of a Parley with his Son-in-Law that must be; and as he was about to speak with lesser anger than before, he was prevented by the young man, saying, Sir, come end your, cruelty all at once, I am ready to accept of that Marriage of the Stake you proposed last Night to your Daughter: if I cannot live with her I love, I shall rejoice to die with her.  
The old man was all amazement, to hear what ere he said at home in private should be known abroad; at length he collecting himself, and having somewhat calmed his passion, he told the young man since he saw the Stars did fight against him as to this Marriage, he should have his Daughter, conditionally he would tell him how he came by this strange intelligence, whether the Devil, or his Angels did assist him in it, etc. To this the young man replied, That he came not to the knowledge of what he said secretly elsewhere, nor his Daughter, but by humane means, and that he would tell him how, so be it he would for give the Person. No, no, never (cried the old man, in a great rage) I will first see him rot in an Hospital, or be Hanged at Tibourn, and be Damned rather than do it▪ Nay then (said the young man) you are to Blame, Sir, to be so uncharitably cruel against yourself; for from you, and you only we received this intelligence; you were the Porter, or Messenger that carried Letters between us: how! how can this be (with much Wonder cried the old man); to convince you (said the other) I will now show you a Letter in your Portmanteau that this Night by your means will be delivered to your Daughter, and thereupon taking the Cloak he showed him the rip in the Cape, wherein they mutualy conveyed Letters to each other.  
To be short the old man was infinitely pleased with the Stratagem, and in a little time loved tho young man more than he hated him formerly, ane gave him his Daughter with a vast some of mond down at the Marriage day, and in less than twelvy months did his Son and Daughter the kindness to leave the world, and leave them all he had.    

A PREACHMENT ON MALT.  
CErtain Townsmen of Prisal, returning from a merry Meeting at a certain Alehouse, met in the Fields a Preacher, who had lately made a bitter Sermon against Drunkards, and amongst other opprobrimous words, called them Malt-worms, Wherefore they agreed to take him, and by violence compel him to Preach a Sermon, and his Text should be MALT: The Preacher thinking it better to yield, than contend with them in their cause, began his Sermon as followeth.  
There is no Preaching without Division, and this Text cannot well be divided into many parts, because it is but one word, nor into many Syllables, because it is but one Syllable; It must therefore be divided into Letters, and they are found to be four, viz. M, A, L, T, These letters represent four interpretations, which Divines commonly do use thus, M. Moral, A. Allegorical, L. Literal, T. Tropological.  
The Moral Interpretation is well put first, and first to teach you boisterous Men some good manners, at least in procuring your attention to the Sermon; Therefore M. Masters, A. All, L. Listen, T. to the Text.  
An Allegory is when one thing is spoken, and another thing meant; The thing spoken is Malt, the thing meant is the Oil of Malt, commonly called Ale, which to you Drunkards is so precious, that you account it to he M. Meat, A. Ale, L. Liberty, T. Treasure.  
The literal sense is as it hath been often heard of heretofore, so it is true according to the letter, M. Much A. Ale, L. Little, T. Thrift. The Tropological sense applieth that which now is to somewhat following, either in this world, or in the world to come, the thing that now is, is the effect which Oil of Malt produceth and worketh in some of you, viz. M. Murder, in others, A. Adultery, in all L. Lose living, in many T. Treason, and that which hereafter followeth, both in this world and in the world to come, is M. Misery, A. Anguish, L. Lamentation, T. Trouble.  
I should now come to a conclusion, and withal, to persuade you boysterious men to amend, that so you may escape the danger whereinto many of you are like to fall, but I have no hopes to prevail, because I plainly see, and my Text as plainly telleth me it is M. to A. that is, a Thousand Pound to a Pot of Ale you will never mend, because all Drunkards are L. Lewd, T. Thiefs, but yet for discharging my Conscience and duty, First towards God, and Secondly towards you my Neighbouts, I say once again, concluding with my Text, M. Mend, A. All, and L. Leave, T. Tippling, otherwise, M. Masters, A. All, L. Look for, T. Terror and Torment.  
By this time the Ale wrought in the townsmen's Brains that they were between Hawk and Buzzard, nearer sleeping than waking, which the Preacher perceiving stole away, Leaving them to take their Nap.  
IN the year 1641 when Episcopacy was become a subject of debate in Parliament, Mr. Grimstone who formed this Argument, 

That Bishops are Jure Divino is a Question.  
That Archbishops are not Jure Divino is out of Question.  
That Ministers are Jure Divino there is no Question.    
Now if Bishops, which are questioned, whether Jure Divino, and Arch-Bishops which out of Question are not Jure Divino, suspend Ministers that are Jure Divino, I leave it to you Mr. Speaker.  
Was answered by Mr. Selden thus, 

That the Convocation is Jure Divino is a Question.  
That Parliaments are not Jure Divino is out of Question.  
That Religion is Jure Divino there is no Question.    
Now Mr. Speaker, that the Convocation which is questioned whether Jure Divino, and Parliaments which out of question are not Jure Divino should meddle with Religion which questionless is Jure Divino, I leave to you, Mr. Speaker.  
Mr. Grimstons' reply. But Arch-Bishops are no Bishops.  
Mr. Seldens Answer. That's no otherwise true than that Judges are not Lawyers, and Aldermen not Citizens.  

The Idiot is witty to do the poor man right.  
A poor beggar in Paris being very hungry stayed so long in a cooks shop, who was dishing up meat, till his stomach was satisfied merely with the smell thereof: upon which account the choleric cook demanded payment of him: the poor man denied it, and the controversy was referred to the deciding of the next man that should pass by, which chanced to be the most notorious Idiot in the whole city: he on the relation of the matter to the amazement of all persons, most sagaciously and wittiely determined, that the poor man's money should be put between two empty dishes, and the cook should be recompensed with the gingling of the poor man's money, as he was satisfied with the only smell of the cooks meat.   

The Dutchmans' Mistake.  
Dr. P. (one who has been sometimes observed more than ordinary in his performance of Ceremonies in the church) coming into the Arch-Bishops chapel at Lambeth reverendly bowed toward that end of the chapel, where the communion table stands; It happened that a Dutchman totally unacquainted with all such ceremonies, being lodged at Lambeth, had all alone wandered into this chapel, and had placed himself not far from the communion-table: so that when the Dr. bowed, he rose up and very lowly bowed again to him; the Dr. bowed the second time, and the third time; and still every bow was returned by the Dutchman with the greatest obeisance and humility imaginable, and when he came home being asked where he had been, he replied he had been in the Kerk, and then infinitely magnified the civilities of that person, (whom he described) thinking nothing less than that the Dr. had paid so grand a reverence and respect to him.   

A Love-Elegie from one of the Five Members to his Paramour, together with his repulse in her Answer. A. 1642.  

Carmen Eroticon ab uno Membrorum quinque, ad Dilectissimam suam Amicam D. C. conscriptam.  

ILLE ego prognatus de nigrescente caballo,  
Quem fertur moriens spontè dedisse Pater,  
En Patrem refero (petulans genus extat equorum)  
Pronus in amplexus, (diva Corinna) tuos:  
Ille ego cordate cujus moder amine vobis  
Nondum clauduntur (Parliamenta) fores,  
Quem ratis Angliacae Typhin, quem qúis quem popelli  
Regalis currûs Automedonta vocant,  
Quique Stuardiadis Caroli diademata vinco,  
Vincor captivue (pulchra Corinna) tuus.  
Curribus en jungit binas Cytheraea columbas▪  
Cantat Iö victrix, ecce triumphus, ait.  
En tibi subjectus, jam nunc dedisco rebellem:  
Quem nequiit piëtas flectere flexit amor.  
Et licèt haud valeam Dominum tolerare Carollum▪  
Te fateor Dominam (sancta Corinna) meam.  
Ah me Discipulum Veneris plus fulmine sternunt  
Ex oculi pharetris spicula jacta tuis.  
Neque tamen regis fasces amor urget habendi,  
quam quibus ingenii sis potienda modis:  
Aureus in gremium patulum tibi (chara) venirem▪  
Ut quondam Danaë Jupiter imbre suae.  
En tibi submitto jugulum; si jusseris ipsa  
Sedulus in funes obvia colla dabo:  
Non me latratu terret canis iste trifauci,  
Quando concubitum (Lux mea) quaero tuum.  
Iphias ô Capaneu non tunc magis arsit amore,  
Quum fertur rapidis desiliisse rogis;  
Soepius ad trutinam tua dum voco membra videtur  
In tete solam multa fluisse Dea,  
Inque domo menti petulans Cytheraea residit,  
Inque tuis oculis coesia Pallas adest:  
Occupat & frontem spaciosam Sospita Juno,  
Incolit & digitos praevia lucis 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉:  
Cum subit in mentem nox ista novissima, quando  
Miscuimus placido membra silenda thoro:  
O mihimet geminis quoties occurrit ocellis  
Qualiter & lepidus fronte renidet Amor!  
Quum memoro leves humeros, habilesque papillas,  
Ulnas candidulas, & juvenile foemur;  
(Quod caput est formae) capitis dum cogito formam,  
Et meditor positam non sine lege comam;  
Istam praecipuè simulac ego cogito partem,  
Partem quam verbis indigitare pudet;  
Ah quo tunc rapior! quantis tunc aestibus uror?  
quam furiis instar pectore soevit amor?  
Distrahor hinc atque hinc & curas ment voluto,  
Ut rudis indomito fluctuat unda Mari  
Millena in mentem subeunt molimina nostram,  
Dum rabidus meditor qua potes arte capi.  
Utque saginatus reserato carcere Taurus  
Obvia cum fuerit crebra Juvenca salit  
Seu velut in luxum praeceps fuit iste caballus,  
Qui Matrem passim fertur amasse meam;  
Sic paritèr totum spirant mea corda Pryapum,  
Seu mihi per somnum (pulchra puella) subis;  
Sic me a turgescunt alitèr languentia membra,  
Seu mihi per mediam tu subis alma diem:  
Quum fato fungar, sic sic lascivia vitam  
Auferat; ah placuit sic mihi soepè mori.  
Nec pudibunda nimis metuas ab amante procari,  
Foemellas novi soepe fuisse procos;  
Pulchra Laërtiaden iterúmque iterúmque Calypso,  
Heu precibus cassis usque manere rogat:  
Dardanium juvenem sitiebat Punica Dido:  
Cynthia cum labiis Endymiona petit,  
Et licèt agrestem (modo vati credis) Adonin  
Idaeliam dicunt soepè procâsse Deam:  
Quanta sit Idalia expendas, & Cynthia quanta;  
Sunt utraeque Deae, fac imitêre Deas.  
Tu tamen haud procus es velut hae, sed & ipsa procaris.  
Solus ago, solùm tu patiâre velim:  
Sis procul à fastu, neve assimilare Sabinis:  
At faciles aures tu perhibere velis:  
Qui si vel nasus vel frons mihi desit eburnea?  
Murice nec Tyrio subrubuêre genae?  
Est color incertus, nec tu confide colori,  
Decipitur pulchro Graja puella viro;  
Pelle licèt tenebrae dominantur, Lux tamen intus;  
Vileo si membris, splendeo ment tenus:  
Quid licèt▪ harmonico careant mea membra tenore?  
Et malè concinnus quilibet artus erit?  
At caro pinguescit, mihi sunt & mollia crura,  
Suráque suppetiit semivieta mihi.  
Squalidus est oculo, digitis arridet obesus  
Quod formâ minus est hoc mihi supplet adeps.  
Millibus ex multis (experto crede) puellis,  
Gaudia quae mihi fert plurima, pinguis erat:  
Hoc est in causâ, quod nunc (uxore relictâ)  
Nostri festinant ad tua rura pedes;  
Nempe voluptatis nihilum mihi frigida conjux  
Suppeditat, penè est iste senilis ager:  
Mandamus tritis semen sine foenore sulcis,  
Null áque tondetur falcibus inde seges;  
Sed tuus (ô utinam!) pariat mihi gramina campus,  
Viderunt agri vix tria lustra tui.  
Aetas non unquam retrò retro-acta vocatur;  
Florem, dum florem carpo, Corinna tuum.  
Quandocunque tamen nos conveniemus in unum,  
Corpore molliculo fac sine Teste fruar,  
Non quasi castratus spado sine Testibus essem,  
Sed quia lascivum nolo patere torum:  
Secretis que jocis fac alta silentia praestes;  
Quum placidum nobis hoc peragetur opus:  
Nam non privatus sed jam Respublica fio,  
Et mihi vel coecus quilibet Argus erit:  
Aptius idcircò cum prima crepuscula lucent,  
Ad lectum veniam, blanda Corinna, tuum:  
Et mihi furtivos aditus transenna fenestrae  
Adstruet, à dextrâ qua patet uda palus:  
Nuper enim cum nocte thoro convenimus illo,  
Infidae memini tèr crepuêre fores:  
Tunc indoctus eram, nunc usu promptior exto:  
Et magis assiduè jam taciturnus ero;  
Neve tuus videat Genitor, Custodibus et si  
(Carceris insontem) Parliamenta dabunt.  
Mutuò tunc nobis aderit satis ampla voluptas;  
Quae quoad eveniat, diva Corinna, vale.    

The Lady's answer to the preceding Love-Poem. Anno 1642.  

WHAT, Latin, Sir? why there is no man  
That e'er thought you an English Roman.  
Your Father horse could teach you none,  
Nor was it ere your Mother tongue:  
Your Education too assures  
Me, that your poem is not yours:  
Besides I thought you did detest  
The language of the Latin beast;  
But now your impudence I see  
Did hereby show its modesty;  
Each syllable would blush you thought,  
If it had been plain English taught.  
And that your foul debauched stuff  
Might do its errand fast enough.  
Forsooth its wisdom thought it meet,  
That words might run to give'em feet.  
Pardon me, Sir, I'm none of those  
That love Love-verse, give me your Prose.  
I wish each verse to make delay  
Had turned lame Scazon by the way;  
I read an hell in every line  
of your polluted Fescennine.  
Your verses stunk, to keep 'em sweet,  
You should have put socks on their feet '  
And that the answer which I shall  
Now write may be methodical,  
I'll briefly make, 'tis not amiss,  
An Anacephalaeosis.  
And first I looked for Nestor, when  
Mere Cupid trickles from your pen;  
Who was your father you make proof  
By your Coults' tooth though not your hoof.  
She that was great with you you hold  
Did not lie in, but was with fold.  
I wonder one so old, so grave,  
Should yet such youth, such lightness have;  
Of the five members you alone  
Shall be esteemed the Privy one;  
Who (like the Gnostics) preach, your text,  
Increase and multiply; and next  
Convincing Doctrines you deduce,  
Put out the lights and so make use.  
You say I am a Maid exceeding  
Apt to be taught by you good breeding,  
But where there's Breeding, it is said,  
There's none, unless a broken maid:  
Turn Papist, Stallion, they'll dispense  
With whoredom by an Indulgence:  
Turn Friar, that thou mayst be free  
At once with a whole Nunnery,  
There 'twill be virtue to ride on  
The purple Whore of Babylon.  
Thou mayst as soon be Turk as King;  
And that, o that's the tempting thing:  
Then thou mayst glut thy appetite  
With a Seraglio of delight.  
I am no Proserpina, that thus  
I should desire an Incubus:  
But you must vote (if me you'll win)  
No Fornication to be sin.  
You say the house takes it not well,  
The King 'gainst Rebels should rebel;  
And that's the reason why you stand  
To be Dictator of the land;  
Which put me to a mighty toil  
Of getting verdigrease and oil;  
'Cause such Itch-medicine is a thing  
That's fittest to anoint you King.  
You say you'd undergo and do  
Wonders, would I undergo you:  
For my sake you would Cobbler play,  
Your trade should be to under-lay.  
For me you'd spend your chiefest Blood.  
Pray spend it on the Sisterhood.  
You wish to die in those great fights  
Of Venus, where each wound delights:  
And should I once to heaven take wing  
You'd follow me, though in a String;  
Thank you good Sir, it is our will,  
You your last promise do fulfil.  
There's nothing spoke that pleaseth us,  
Like your in funes sedulus.  
Next come those idle twittle twats,  
Which call me many God knows what's;  
As hallowed, beautiful and fair,  
Supple and kind and debonair:  
You talk of women that did woe,  
When I am mad I'll do so too;  
Then that my father may not spy  
The coupleing of you and I,  
He shall be guiltlessly detected  
As a true Subject illaffected,  
And so the Protestant shall lie  
In goal for fear of Popery.  
Such fancies as these I've thought best  
Should punished be by being pressed.  
And that this Body Politic  
May then be well, which lies now sick.  
May the Greek Π that fatal Tree  
This Spring bear all such fruit as Thee.    

Eoemina, ex omni parte, Formosa.  

TRiginta haec habeat quae vult formosa vocari  
Foemina, sic Helenam fama fuisse refert;  
Alba tria, totidem nigra, tria rubra, puella  
Tres habeat longas, tres totidemque breves,  
Tres crassas, totidemque graciles, tria stricta, tot ampla  
Sint ibidem huic formae, sint quoque parva tria:  
Alba cutis, nivei dentes, albique capilli;  
Nigri Oculi, Cunnus, nigra Supercilia;  
Labra, Genae, atque ungues rubri; sit corpore longa▪  
Et longi Crines, sit quoque longa Manus;  
Sintque breves dentes, auris, pes; Pectora lata,  
Et clunes, distent ipsa Supercilia;  
Cunnus & os strictum, stringunt ubi cingula stricta;  
Sint coxae, & collus, vulva que turgidula,  
Subtiles digiti, crines & labra puellis;  
Parvus sit nasus, parva Mamilla, caput.  
Cum nullae aut rarae sint hae, formosa vocari  
Nulla puëlla potest, rara puëlla potest.     


The Roman-Catholic Ballad; or an Invitation to Popery, upon considerable grounds and reasons.  
To the tune of 88  

SInce Popery of late is so much in debate  
And great striveings have been to restore it,  
I cannot forbear, openly to declare  
That the Ballad-makers are for it.   

We'll dispute no more, these Heretical men  
Have exposed our books unto laughter,  
So that many do say, it will be our best way  
To sing for the cause hereafter.   

O the Catholic cause! now assist me my muse  
How earnestly do I desire thee!  
Neither will I pray, to S. Bridget to day  
But only to thee to inspire me.   

Whence should purity come but from Catholic Rome?  
I wonder much at their folly;  
For St. Peter was there, And left an old chair  
Enough to make all the world holy.   

For this sacred old wood, is so excellent good,  
If Tradition may be believed,  
That whoever sits there,, needs never more fear  
The danger of being decieved.  
If the devil himself should (God bless us) get up,  
Though his nature we know be evil,  
Yet whilst he sat there, as divers will swear,  
He would be an infallible devil:   

Now who sits in this Seat but our Father the Pope?  
So that here's a plain Demonstration,  
As clear as noonday, we are in the right way,  
And all others are doomed to damnation.  
If this will not suffice, yet to open your eyes,  
Which are blinded with bad education,  
We have Arguments plenty, and miracles twenty,  
Enough to convince a whole nation:   

If you give but good heed, you shall see the Host bleed,  
And if any thing can persuade ye,  
An Image shall speak, or at last it shall squeak  
In the honour of our Lady:   

You shall see without doubt, the devil cast out,  
As of old by Erra Pater.  
He shall skip about and tear, like a danceing bear,  
When he feels the Holy water.   

If yet doubtful ye are, we have Relics most rare,  
We can show you the sacred manger  
Several loads of the cross, as good as e'er was  
To preserve your souls from danger.   

Should I tell you of all 'twould move a stone wall,  
But I spare you a little for pity,  
That each one may prepare,, to rub up his ear  
For the second part of my ditty.    

The second part to the same Tune.  

NOW listen again to those things that remain,  
They are matters of weight I assure you;  
And the first thing I say,, throw your Bibles away,  
'Tis impossible else for to cure you.   

O that pestilent book! never on it more look  
I wish I could speak it out louder,  
It has done more men harm,, I dare boldly affirm,  
Than th' invention of guns and powder;   

As for matters of faith believe what the church saith,  
But for Scripture leave that to the learned,  
For these are edge tools,, and you lay men are fools,  
If you touch them you are sure to be harmed:   

But pray what is it for you make all this stir?  
You must read, you must hear and be learned;  
If you'll be on our part,, we will teach you an Art,  
That you need not be so much concerned.   

Be the Churches good son, and your work is half done,  
After that you may do your own pleasure.  
If your Beads you can tell, and say your Ave Mary well,  
Never doubt of the heavenly treasure.   

For the Pope keeps the keys; and can do what he please,  
And without all peradventure,  
If you can not at the fore, yet at the back door  
of Indulgence you may enter:   

But first by the way, you must make a short stay,  
At a place called Purgatory,  
Which the learned us tell,, in the buildings of Hell,  
Is about the middlemost story.   

'Tis a monstrous hot place, and a mark of disgrace,  
In the torment on't long to endure,  
None are kept there but fools,, and poor pitiful souls,  
Who can no ready money procure:   

For a handsome round sum, you may quickly be gone,  
For the church has wisely ordained,  
That they who build crosses,, and pay well for Masses,  
Should not there be too long detained:   

So that 'tis a plain case as the nose on ones face  
We are in the surest condition,  
And none but mere fools,, and some niggardly owls,  
Need fall into utter perdition   

What aileth ye than ye great and rich men,  
That ye will not hearken to reason,  
Since as long as ye have pence, ye need scruple no offence,  
Be it murder, adultery, treason.   

And ye sweet natured Women, who hold all things common,  
My addresses to you are most hearty,  
And to give ye your due, ye are to us most true  
And I hope we shall gain the whole party;   

If you happen to fall, your Penance shall be small,  
And although ye cannot forego it,  
We have for ye a cure, if this ye be sure,  
To confess before ye go to it:   

There is one reason yet, which I cannot omit  
To those who affect the French nation,  
Hereby we advance▪, the Religion of France,  
The Religion that's only in fashion.   

If these reasons prevale, (as how can they fail)  
To have Popery entertained,  
Ye cannot conceive, and will hardly believe  
What Benefits hence may be gained;   

For the Pope shall us bless, (that's no small happiness)  
And again we shall see restored  
The Italian trade, which formerly made  
This land to be so much adored:  
O the Pictures and rings, the Beads and fine things,  
The good words as sweet as honey,  
All this and much more, shall be brought to our door,  
For a little dull English money.   

Then shall traffic and love, and what ever can move,  
Be restored again to our Britain,  
And learning so common, that every old woman,  
Shall say her Prayers in Latin.   

Then the church shall bear sway, and the state shall obey,  
Which is now looked upon as a wonder,  
And the proudest of Kings, and all temporal things  
Shall submit and truckle under;   

And the Parliament too, who have taken us to do  
And have handled us with so much terror,  
May chance on that score, ('tis no time to say more)  
They may chance to ackowledg their error.   

If any man yet shall have so little wit,  
As still to be refractory,  
I swear by the mass, he is a mere Ass,  
And so there's an end of a story.     

(1.)  
A Young Lady having of a long time had a desire to have her Picture drawn by an excellent Limner, sent for him, and told him, That for as much as she had heard he was an excellent Artist, she desired he would draw her to the life, as she was, a Maid, and exactly of the same stature. The Painter having used the utmost of his Art to resemble her Features to the life, brought home the Piece; in the which she could find no fault, except that he had drawn her a little less than she was. Oh Madam, said he, Posterity would never believe my Draught, had I made you any taller; for 'tis very rare in this Age, to find a Maid so big.   

(2.)  
A Country Fellow being set upon by a Mastiff, killed him with his Pitchfork, the owner of the Dog demanded satisfaction, and brought him before the Justice: But still the Clown pleaded he did it in his own defence. Nevertheless you ought, said the Justice, to have struck him with the other end of your Staf. Truly so I would, said the Peasant, had he run at me with his Tail.   

(3.)  
A Tailor that was ever accustomed to steal some of the Cloth his Customer brought, when he came one day to make himself a Suit, stole half a yard; his Wife perceiving it, asked the reason; Oh, said he, 'tis to keep my hands in use, least at any time I should forget it.   

4.  
A Scholar that fancied himself to sing well, notwithstanding he had a very hoarse voice; having often observed that a poor woman was used to cry when she heard him sing, asked her at last the reason. Truly Sir, said she, when through poverty I had sold all my goods, and had nothing left but a poor Ass, at last I lost my Ass, and I never hear you sing, but you put me in mind of it.   

(5.)  
A Gentleman passing by, a poor man asked alms of him; whereupon the Gentleman asked him what he lived upon? Sir, said he, I can make no answer to that; but had you asked me what I die of? I should have told you of hunger.   

(6.)  
A Gentleman playing a Game at Tables in a Chamber in Fleetstreet, four stories high, had so ordered his Game, that no chance of the Dice could lose it but one; yet it so happened that that chance came; whereupon he grew so passionate, that bringing down the Tables into the Street, he made a stop, and ask the next Gentleman that came if he understood the Game, the Gentleman said he did; Then pray Sir, said he, what do you think could lose me the Game? then pausing a little, I think there's nothing but such a chance. Why then, said the passionate Gamester, God damn me, if I have not thrown it.   

(7.)  
A Stranger being much necessiated, as he walked into the City, to do that no one could do for him; and being in a place far from any of his acquaintances, and void of convenience for that purpose, went into an Upholsters Shop, and asked the Man to show him a Close-Stool, which being done, he asked if he had no better; Yes Sir, we have, said he, all of coloured Velvet: Go then, said he, and fetch two or three; in the mean time he let down his Breeches and sat down; the Upholsterer seeing him in that posture, asked him, What he did? I am trying it, said he, and pulling up his Breeches, I will have none of them, they are all too low.   

(8.)  
Place the bitter Fool, was not suffered to come at the Queen, because of his bitter humour, yet at last some pressed the Queen that he should come to her; undertaking for him that he should keep compass, so he was brought to her, and the Queen said, Come on Pace, now we shall hear of our faults. Saith Pace, I do not use to talk of that, which all the Town talks of.   

(9)  
One road furiously among some Quakers that stood in a yard, hearing the Speaker from the top of the Barn, and being rebuked by a Brother, Why should not my Horse, said he, have to do here at the meeting, as well as the rest of the Asses.   

(10.)  
Several persons of several Callings, being invited to a Feast, it happened that amongst the rest, there came an old Grammarian, not altogether arrayed after the mode, nor clothed so well, as many young Gallants that were there; this gave occasion when the Wine had made every man's tongue free to speak his mind, that a young Spark, to put a jest upon the old Grammarian, said, Pray Sir, since I know you to be well skill à in Genealogy, who was the Father of Peleus? to which he answered, Tell me first if you can, who was yours?   

(11.)  
When the Trojans sent Ambassadors to Tiberius, to condole the death of his Father Augustus, a long time after he was dead; the Emperor considering the unseasonableness of it, requited them accordingly, saying, And I am sorry for your heaviness, having lost so valiant a Knight as Hector; who was slain above a thousand years before.   

(12.)  
A poor but witty lad, brought up to the University, and admitted in a College, could not go to the price of a new pair of Shoes; but when his old ones were worn out at the toes, had them capt with Leather; whereupon his Companions began to jeer him for so doing: Why, said he, must they not be capt, are they not fellows?   

(13.)  
A learned Gentlewoman put a Question to a young Scholar, which was, Why the Infinitive was next to the Optative? of which he said, Because we never make an end of desiring.   

(14.)  
One lighting a Candle, and striving to slick it in a Candlestick, it often fell out of the Socket, at which he said in choler, That he thought the Devil did possess the Candle. Why do you wonder, said his Companion, it cannot stand? Do you not see that 't is lightheaded?   

(15.)  
Two Fellows going with a present to a covetous Man, one of them said they should but lose their labour; well says t'other, I'll hold you a Crown that we shall get there both Meat, Drink and Money; Done, says t'other: and being come thither, one of them told him that he was very dry, than he bid them go down into the Cellar; and when they came there, he told the Butler, that he could not drink without eating; then the Butler went up and told his Master of it, who bid him set a cold Pastry before them; of which they eat plentifully: and when they had filled their Bellies, they both went to the Master to take their leaves of him (also expecting some gratuity) which when they saw not appearing, says one of them boldly, Pray Sir what shall we say to my Master if he should ask us what you gave us: which put him to a stand for a while, at last he gave them half a Crown: so the fellow won his wager.   

(16.)  
A Cavalier in Oxford-shire, that was very zealous in his loyalty for his Prince, and had suffered very much for it; and once meeting with some of the Rumpish Officers at Oxford, says one of them to him, God save you Noble Squire, and you, says he, if it be possible:   

(17.)  
A Confident and Impudent Fellow had the faculty of enveighing against all Persons of his acquaintance, but only one; which made another ask him, why he did not inveigh against him also: No, says he, by no means; for he has the property of a Tennis-Ball, that will rebound back again and retort; for you know as well as I, that Crows de not sit upon Dogs Backs, but upon the Sheep's: so that if a Man will make himself a Sheep, the Crows will crow over him, and will pull the Wool off his Back to.   

(18.)  
A mad harebrained Country Fellow, came to a great Lady that was his Landlady, to tell her that his Wife was brought to Bed: Faith 'tis true Madam, says he: How brought to Bed, says my Lady, what was she Drunk or Sick; no, no, Madam, I mean she has a Child: O, says my Lady, now I understand you: Well then, says she, what has God sent her; Faith, says he, nothing as I know of; I don't believe she ever heard from him in her life: Puh, says the Lady, I mean has she a Boy or a Girl: Od'ye mean so forsooth Madam; why guess then, says he: 'tis a Boy, says My Lady, no vaith Madam guess again; why a Girl, says she: Faith Madam I think in my Conscience you are a Witch, 'tis a Girl indeed.   

(19)  
An English Man and a Scotch Man were both in the hold of a Ship together, in the last Engagement at Sea, and as they were in the heat of the Fight, says the English man to him, Come le's go up and partake with our Brethren in the Fight, and not stand here like drones and do nothing: Be God, says he, we awe my heart; and as the English Man led the way, when he was half way up, a great Bullet came in and cut him just in two in the middle: ud's bred, says the Scotch Man, What the deel dost gang up to fight and leave thy Arse behind thee.   

(20.)  
A great Divine being extremely Sick, a Physician was sent to him, and when he came, he asked him the cause of his Distemper: and finding the Physician to falter much in his discourse, he told him plainly he'd take none of his Physic: For, says he, is he be not able to show me the cause, I am sure he is less able to take it away: and so had him turned out   

(21.)  
A Woman in the Country having lost abundance of Linen off her Hedge, but could not imagine who was the Thief, so she went to a sober Gentleman, whom she took to be an ginger; to desire him to help her to her Linen again; then he took her up into his Chamber and bid her lie down upon the Bed, and when he knew her as well as her Husband, he told her he would tell her more: What, says she, d'ye intent to make me a Whore, Why yes, says he, why should not I make you a Whore as well as you make me a Witch.   

(22.)  
A Clown in Flanders had a very pretty Woman to his Wife, and both came to an Inn six miles from Gaunt that night, and a lusty Spanish Soldier happened to lie there that night also, and when they were both in Bed, he seeing she was handsome, made up the number three in the Bed, without saying by your leave; and the Woman it seems lay in the middle; and the Clown hearing the Soldier, as he thought something too bold with his Wife; durst not speak at first; at last he took a courage (for you must know he was wonderful valiant) and bid her desire the Spaniard to lie still, and she being a very discreet and good natured Woman and to avoid any further quarrelling: said, Sweet Husband, you know I can't speak Spanish, but let me entreat you to rise and go to the Sexton, for he speaks Spanish very well: So the good man followed his dear Wife's advice and rose and went to him; and what was done then is quite out of my head now; but before he came back the Spaniard was gone, which when he perceived he began to domineer: swearing if he had him here how he would cudgel the Rogue, for troubling of them so that night: In truth Husband, says she, (very discreetly) I am heartily glad you did not come while he was here, for in your anger I am sure you'd a killed him; and I know you are very desperate: But prithee sweetheart, says he, how long did he stay when I was gone; truly Husband, says she, you were scarce out o'th' door but he ran away: Well, says he, I can't choose but laugh to see how I have scared him; you see what comes of policy and discretion now; for if I had been hasty, the Rogue might have killed me for aught I know, and then what wouldst thou have done for such a good Husband again my dear. Truly Husband, says she, 't was best as 't is, and I am very well pleased with what was done.   

(23.)  
An English Merchant told a handsome Venetian Courtesan that for all her subtlety and Beauty, he would lay a wager with her of Forty Crowns, that she could not tempt such a Man to her embraces, and yet she should lie with him all night: Well, says she, lay down the Forty Crowns I'll venture it; which she did, and yet notwithstanding all her Enticements, she could prevail nothing with him: in the morning she was asked whether she had lost or not, she ingeniously confessed she had lost one way but not another: For, says she, you told me I should lie with a Man, but I found that I lay with a Stone.   

(24.)  
A Gallan it seems upon a time cast his eye upon precise Mistress Temperance, a Feather-makers Wife, and after a little conference, swore he would lie with her: What, says she, can't you glance upon a modest Woman as I am, but you must covet; indeed Brother I must chide you for it: Well, says she, but that I am tender of Oaths, and would be loath to have you break yours, for the Oaths sake I am willing to consent to you at present; but otherwise I profess I would not do it, if you'd give me a thousand pound.   

(25.)  
One was ask why Monks and Friars were called Holy Fathers? another that was there told him there was a great deal of reason for it; in regard of the multitude of Bastards they do yearly get in all places: which shows indeed they are wholly Fathers.   

(26.)  
One told one with a Red-face, that his face was disparked 'cause there was no pale: Though there's no pale, says he, yet there's good store of Reddear; viz. Dear red.   

(27.)  
One hearing the Story of S. George that killed the Dragon, said, sure 't was a lie: Nay, some believe there was never a S. George nor a Dragon; pray God there be a Maid then, says a simple Fellow.   
FINIS.