womans WILL Have their Will: OR, Give Christmas his Due.  
In a Dialouge between Mris Custom, a Victuallers Wife near Cripplegate, and Mris New-come, a Captain's Wife, living in Reformation-Alley, near Destruction-Street.  

When Gillian Turn-tripe, Jack-an-apes his Trüll,  
And Cicely Sly-tricks, Gol-magogs great Gull,  
Shall once begin to Rule and Sway this Land,  
Oh, to those Subjects under their Command!   
LONDON: Printed by E. P. for W. G. 1648.   

Women will have their Will: Or, Give Christmas his Due.  Mistress New-come. 
HOw do you good Mistress Custom? I made hold to give you a 〈◊〉, to see how you do.  Mistress Custom, 
M. New-come, pray draw near and sit down; come, you are hearty, hearty welcome.  M. New. 
I shall be a trouble to you, I see you are busy.  M. Cust. 
No, no, not so busy, but I can spare so much time as to discourse with you a while; how doth your husband do? what, is he at home? or where is his Rendezvouz?  M. New. 
I thank you Mistress Custom; he is not at home, nor is his Rendezvouz fare from home, but what, have you a Feast here suddenly. that you are so Decking, Adorning, & Trimming up your house with this fine Rosemary and Bays? I believe there is some such do, is there not?  M. Cust. 
No truly, here 〈◊〉 no Feasting, but what doth fall out according to the Time.  M. New. 
Time; pray now what Time?  M. Cust. 
Why, Christmas, woman; have you forgot it? Indeed these Wars and Jars would almost make one forget their Christian name, if they were not often called on, to put one in remembrance.  M. New. 
judeed Christmas can hardly be boaten out of many folk's heads, which is a very strange thing.  M. Cust. 
Not so strange as true, woman; I should rather, and sooner forget my mother that bore me, and the paps that gave me suck, then forget this merry Time; nay, if thou hadst ever seen the Mirth and jollity that we have had at those Times when I was young, thou wouldst bless thyself to see it.  M. New. 
Nay, undoubtedly I might very well believe you without swearing; for surely, there was then excessive Sports, Pastimes, & Revels, that it would make a body's hair stand an and to hear and see it.  M. Cust. 
Didst thou never hear of my Grandfather? why, he was second cousin to the Earl of Dum-belly, Cupbearer to Bacchus, Knight of the Vapour, and Esquire of the Pipe; he was a great Politician, Monopolist, and Project-monger; 'tis very strange you never heard of him.  M. New. 
I have heard of the like, if not the same; but what of him?  M. Cust. 
What of him; nay, nothing of him, but I say my Grandfather was his second cousin.  M. New. 
Well, and what of that?  M. Cust. 
What of that? Nay, by the mass, I forgot where I was; this 'tis to have such a scurvy head-piece, by Lady I know not what I was going to say.  M. New. 
It was about your Grandfather at Christmas.  M. Cust. 
O me, O me, 'tis true, 'tis true; I seey on keep your brains warmer than I do, which makes you so ripe-witted: but for fear I should forget again, I'll tell thee; my Grandfather kept a brave house at Christmas, (it makes one's teeth dance in ones head like Virginal-Jacks with the very conceit on't) for according to his own Verses:)  

Then Pell Mell murder in a purple hue,  
In reeking blood, did slaughtering paws imbrens;  
Then Cocks Hens, Capons, Turkey, Goose & Widgeon,  
Hares, Coneys, Pheasants, Partridge; Plover, Pigeon.  
All these were cast into the furious paws  
Of break-neck Powlt'rers, t'undegoe their Laws:  
The Butcher's Axe (like great Achilles' Bat)  
Dings deadly down, ten thousand thousand flat;  
Each Butcher by himself makes Martial Laws,  
Cut throats and kills, than quarters, hangs, and drows.  
When this is done, then to the Pot and Spit  
'Tis totally committed every bit.   
This I say, the very conceit of this is enough to make one chew the Cud; for my part, it makes me methinks look two years younger than I did before, every time I think on't; indeed they were brave Times, pray God send us such again, and we shall once more have a merry world.  M. New. 
This was in the times of old, when men were trunk-hose.  M. Cust. 
Nay, by Lady (God forgive me for swearing) it is not so long since; for my father kept a brave house to at that Time, though he pinched for it all the year after; he had all the Varieties as the earth could afford, for Boiled, Baked, and Roasted.  M. New. 
I have seen but a little of this Sport, yet of that little I have seen too much; for it would make the slander by ashamed to see what the feeder devours, and what gods they make of their bellies, that one would think that people did take in twelve month's Provision into their paunches, or that they did ballast their bellies for a voyage to Constantinople, or to the East-Indies.  M. Cust. 
Indeed all this as you speak is true; for I think verily, if it were not for Dancing, Frisking, Playing, Toying, Christmas-Gamboles, and such kind of jogging Exercises to shake it down, it were impossible they should devour so much as they do. Then to see Cook hot and Cook cold, Cook young and Cook old, Scullion & Scullions mate, all in a sweat, like so many Monarches of the Marrowbones, Marquesses of the Mutton, Princes of the Pies and Pasties, Lords, High-Regents of the Spits and Kittles, Barons of the Griddiron, and so be Commanders of the Frying-pannes during this Festival. I say, to see them Act their Tragicomical Feasts, would make a man or woman's stomach elevate its self into another temper.  M. New. 
And all this hurly-burly is for no other purpose but to stop the greedy mouth of this Leviathan, or Land-whale, Christmas.  M. Cust. 
Well, 'tis true; but now forsooth Christmas must be cried down, Reformation must be cried up; if they were weighed in a balance, than I know Christmas would go down without crying: but there are some now adays, a Crew of Tatterdemalions, amongst which the best could scarce ever attain to a Calves-skin-Sute, or a piece of Neck-Beefe and Carrots to dinner on a Sunday, or scarcely ever mounted (before these times) to any Office above the degree of Scavenger or Tythingman at the farthest; and now forsooth these Reformadoes, upon pretence of Reformation, shall destroy and overthrow the most Famous and Commendable Customs of this Land; especially for the observing and keeping of this Great Day: what, are we forsooth wiser than our fathers, that brought us up, and educated us in this Wisdom? 'Tis a strange thing to me; it can't be beaten into my brains, that this can be just and honest.  M. New. 
M. Custom, you were best to discourse with some of these which think it not fitting to keep that Time in such a Revelling way, perhaps and no doubt but they will give you reasons against it; & I partly know you to be a rational ●●man, and that you will permit reason to bear the sway.  M. Cust. 
Reason, reason; as if any man could show a reason for not keeping of Christmas, you spoke as bad as blasphemy: Christmas, that hath been a Custom ever since the world began, should now with a puff of reason, through the Rams-horne of self-conceit, with the walls of Jericho, be laid flat to the ground.  M. New. 
Nay, M. Custom, although it is a Custom very Ancient, yet it is not so old as the world; there you are somewhat mistaken.  M. Cust. 
As for the world, I do not know its age; but for Christmas, I am sure it was kept in my Grandfather's great Grandfather's time, in my Grandfather's time, & in my father's time, & none of these did over think it Superstition or Idolatry; and for my part, I will keep it as long as I am able, let all the powers on earth stand to oppose it.  

And though the Fields dis-robed be  
Of all their Herbs and Fruits,  
And the merry chirping Birds  
Are all turned tongueless mutes;  
Yet we will sing and merry be,  
Our time in Sport we'll pass,  
Not weighing how the time shall be,  
Nor never how it was.   M. New. 
Then you are resolved.  M. Cust. 
I am for that matter, come what will come; ah how (me thinks) my brains are where upon the conceit on't; I could wish now at this Time, that the Valiantest Champion of all the Round-headed Disputants, to encounter with me in this Argument: I tell thee, If I had the tongue of Hermes, who (as my Husband saith) was Prolocutor to the gods; or if I had as many fingers as Camaldus, who was feigned to have an hundred hands. If ●urging Neptune, was converted into Ink, or the rugged-ragged-face of our ancient mother Tellus, were Paper, yet could not the verbal, volubility, or elocution of my voice, nor the agility, dexterity, or faculty of my hands, nor the spacious, unmesurable numberless, white innocent Paper; no, none of all these could either speak, writ, or by any other means declare the abundance of Arguments, comprehended within the notion of my brain for this unlimited Subject.  M. New. 
For my part, your Eloquence is too harsh for me.  M. Cust. 
Oh, I have it by heart; I have heard my Husband, when Gentlemen have been drinking here at my house, rabble out abundance of this Fustian-stuffe, which gives them a great deal of content, especially when they have almost seen the Devil in a Freeze Jerkin, and every thing look with Janus faces.  M. New. 
Then I perceive by you that you cannot possibly be wrought on to leave this Old Ceremony, your mind is so unchangeable.  M. Cust. 
Unchangeable, can the Blackamoor change his skin, or the Sun alrer his continued course? Yet sooner can these things be done then my mind changed, for to keep old Christmas once again.  M. New. 
It is an old saying, and true, That which is bred in the bone, will seldom or never out of the flesh.  M. Cust. 
Thou sayest true; My great Grandfather, my Grandfather, my father, and now myself, these nine and forty years have kept this Festival Time, and this year above all the rest ought to be kept, for it is the year of jubilee, as the Bishop of Armagh said, when he preached before the King; and I for my part am fourscore and one years old: So that here is jubilee upon jubilee, year- jubilee for my birth, and the year jubilee for my keeping Christmas: and therefore shall not we be merry mine own S. Nichol. a Cod?  

We will be merry, let all say what they will,  
As we have kept it, so we'll keep it still.   M. New. 
What, will you keep it in spite of Authority?  M. Cust. 
What Authority? I am sure my father and mother had the greatest authority over me ever since I was borne, and other authority I knew none before I was married, & now it seems I am under a crabbed Husband's authority, and besides him I will be subject to none, and I am sure he is as strong for Christmas as the greatest of our Ancestors; and therefore that Authority will not curb me.  M. New. 
Then it seems you know no other authority?  M. Cust. 
No by our Lady, not I: neither do I desire to know any, for he is crabbed enough of any conscience; if I should tell you all, you would say so too: therefore the Devil take all other Authority, if it be no better than a dogged, crosse-graine Devilish Husband.  M. New. 
Why, then you count the Parliament no Authority?  M. Cust. 
I hope Gossip you are not come to pick quarrels with me in my own house?  M. New. 
No truly M. Custom, not I, neither would I have you to entertain such a hard conceit; for my part I was never so well read in such Principles, nor ever took any degree at the University of Billingsgate.  M. Cust. 
Perhaps you are of your mother's tutor-age then, for I am sure she was an Oyster-woman of that College for one and twenty years, to my own knowledge; and had her tongue as nimble as an Italian Mountebank.  M. New. 
What my mother was, is nothing to me.  M. Cust. 
But you are a Chip of the Old Block: for what do you mean, in telling me of the Parliament?  M. New. 
I mean the two Houses of Parliament which have jumped together in one Opinion, for the putting down and destroying of this Romish Beast Christmas; for which, they are to be commended.  M. Cust. 
It is a strange thing; let the Devil never so cunningly hid his head, we shall know him by his Cloven foot; nor let the Ass never so craftily hid his feet, yet we may know him by his Ears: and howsoever covertly you have carried yourself, I know you, both by head & heels: I see you are one of the New Faction, and a great Student in Spittle-Colledge; but that is nothing to me: yet what do you mean by Calling Christmas a Romish Beast? pray explain yourself at large.  M. New. 
To leave all manner of Circumstance, which is not pertinent to our Subject in hand—  M. Cust. 
By Lady neighbour, I think you are one of these New Teachers, you handle your matter so excellent; but I trouble you, pray proceed.  M. New. 
The word (Christmas) if learnedly weighed in it we shall find matter of dangerous Consequence: As, 

1. If we consider what the word or name is, Christ.  
2. If we consider who gave him this name.  
3. Where he was Christened, or had the name given him.  
4. By what authority they gave him this name.    
Of which I shall proceed in order, according to my weak ability: And first for the word; Christmas is a word which deciphers a Scorpion, which is a venomous Beast, which carries a sting at his tail, and so doth Christmas; for the word Mass is a sting in the tail of that Romish Beast: Secondly, we must consider who gave him this name, & that was his Godfathers and Godmothers in Baptism; from whence ariseth this doubtful question? who they were, and that was Pope Boniface, Pope Fireface, and Pope Joan; but by reason of their nonresidence hers in England, the Bishops took that 〈◊〉 upon there and stood as shitten Gossips: Thirdly, the place where, this is by the learned held in great Dispute, but I believe in his infancy he was sickly; and therefore according to the Church of England's Tenets he was twice Christened, that is to say, at home here in England, and afterwards confirmed at Rome, the Mother Church of all such Antichristian Heresies: but I shall be oder-tedious, therefore I will come to the fourth Division, and that is by what authority they do these things: this will take up a great deal of time to open and explain unto you, if I should do it to purpose; therefore I will omit it, only certifying you thus much, that there is no power under the Sun that hath any authority to erect or build up, neither to destroy and pull down any thing, save what is in the will of the two Houses of Parliament.  M. Cust. 
That word waked me, indeed I was almost asleep; what, you say that the Parliament hath power to pull down Christmas; I pray then what will they put up in the room on't, Stageplays, Dancing upon the Ropes, & Hocus Pocus.  M. New. 
No, it shall be like other Times, not one day higher or lower than another; for it is not for us to stand upon Times and Seasons.  M. Cust. 
Fie upon't, fie upon't, away with't, away with't, I do not know this Parliament, 'tis no kin to me; If this is the Authority you talked of, God deliver me from such Authority; this is worse Authority than my Husbands, for though my Husband beats me now and then, yet he gives my belly full, and allows me money in my purse; which as I take it, the Parliament will not; for I remember, men come for money, money, and if I ask them what it is, for they still keep in one tune like the Cockoe, and tell me it is for the Parliament; God deliver me from those that will neither let us eat our victuals and be merry, though they don't pay for it; nor yet if they could help it, leave us any money in our purses.  M. New. 
Then you do not regard these Powers, let them say or do what they will.  M. Cust. 
No indeed, not I; is it not fitting I should do what I will with mine own? Cannot I keep Christmas, ear good Cheer, & be Merry, without I go and get a Licence from the Parliament? Marry gap, come up here, for my part I'll be hanged by the neck first; must I be subject to them I never saw in my life? No, no, neighbour, they are mistaken in me; though they set up Scarecrows to scare fooles withal, they shall not fright me.  M. New. 
Truly neighbour, if these Powers and Authorities will not make you leave off this Superstitious and Idolatrous Feasting, some other sharper and more rigorous power must.  M. Cust. 
Must, do you say? How now, you said you did not come to Scold, but I see you will Scold before you go: I see now by the Mass, there is no making honey of a Dogs-turd; that which is bred in the bone will never out of the flesh; your mother I faith hath taught you your lerry, almost as perfect as she hath it herself: must make me?  M. New. 
Yes, must make you: I do not go to eats my words Gillian; what I have spoken I'll speak again, I have those which shall maintain me in it, I care not who knows it, and that is the honest godly party of the Army, of which society my Husband is a member; therefore take heed what you say.  M. Cust. 
What have I to do with the Army, I have nothing to say to the Army.  M. New. 
But the Army hath something to say to you then: for if no power will tame you, they can and will tame you; were you as fierce as a Lion, they will newmould you into batter breeding, and make you leave off your Superstitious Feasting, and turn to Fasting, if you do not mend your manners.  M. Cust. 
As for the Army, no doubt but there may be some honest men amongst them, but all the world knows what thy Husband was a poor man which ran out of his Country for debt, and afterwards betook himself to be Master Percyes' Groom, to rub his Horse's heels in Drury-Lane; And now such as he is, must come to tame those which are ten times better than themselves; this is a fine world indeed.  M. New. 
Huswife, farewell; I have with silence heard things of a dangerous Consequence against the Parliament and Army; therefore look to it, for you shall surely suffer for it; these things cannot be let slip without severe punishment, either with the deprivation of Life and Liberty, or at least the loss of your Goods.  M. Cust. 
Devil, do thy worst; if they are honest men they will not do it: Yet all this Chattering shall not put me off from keeping Christmas.  

For as long as I do live,  
And have a Jovial Crew,  
I'll sit and Chat, Laugh, and be Fat,  
And give Christmas his Due.    

The EPILOGUE.  

CHristmas is the welcomest time,  
That does come through the year:  
For't maketh many joyful hearts,  
and fills the world with Cheer.   

And though a man a Miser is,  
all the whole year beside;  
He now gins to hang up Care,  
and let the world go slide.   

Now Tom and Tib, and Lusty Jack,  
the time in Mirth do pass;  
And each in Kitchen or the Hall,  
is tousing of his Lass.   

The Cards in every corner stirs,  
the Dice do take no rest,  
Likewise the frisking Dancers, they  
are held in great request.   

As long as there'there the flagrant fire  
doth spit out its fierce flames,  
There is no ceasing of their Mirth,  
nor period to their Games.   

But now the Log of Logs is burnt,  
The Hall-Chimney leaves smoking,  
Good folks farewell, for I will stay  
no longer in it poking.   
FINIS.