The Converts.  

I Did intend in Rhimes Heroic  
To write of Converts Apostolic,  
Describe their persons and their shames,  
And leave the World to guests their Names:  
But soon I thought the scoundrel Theme  
Was for Heroic Song too mean;  
Their Characters we'll then rehearse  
In Barlesque, or in Doggerel Verse;  
Of Earls, of Lords, of Knights I'll sing,  
That changed their Faith to please their King.   

The first an Antiquated Lord,  
A walking Mummy in a word,  
Moves clothed in Plasters Aromatic,  
And Flannel, by the help of a Stick,  
And like a grave and noble Peer,  
Outlives his Sense by Sixty year;  
And what an honest Man would anger,  
Outlives the Fort he built at Tanger;  
By Pox, and Whores long since undone,  
Yet loves it still, and fumbles on:  
Why he's a Favourite few can guests,  
Some say it's for his Ugliness;  
For often Monsters (being rare)  
Are valued equal to the Fair:  
For in his Mistresses, kind James  
Loves Ugliness in its extremes;  
But others say 'tis plainly seen,  
'Tis for the Choice he made o' th' Queen;  
When he the King and Nation blest  
With Offspring of the House of Est;  
A Dame whose Affability  
Equals her Generosity:  
Oh! Well matched Pair, who frugally are bend  
To live without the aids of Parliament.  
All this and more the Peer performed,  
Then to complete his Virtues, turned;  
But 'twas not Conscience, or Devotion,  
The hopes of Riches or Promotion  
That made his Lordship first to vary,  
But 'twas to please his Daughter Mary;  
And she to make retaliation,  
Is full as lewd in her Vocation.   

The next a Caravannish Thief,  
A lazy Mass of damned Rump Beef;  
Prodigious Guts, no Brains at all,  
But very Rhynocerical,  
Was Married ere the Cub was licked,  
And now not worthy to be kicked,  
By Jockeys bubbled, forced to fly,  
To save his Coat, to Italy,  
Where Haynes and he, that virtuous Youth,  
Equal in Honour, Sense, and Truth;  
By Reason and pure Conscience urged,  
Past Sins by Abjuration purged:  
But 'tis believed both Rogue and Peer,  
More worldly Motives had to veer;  
The Scoundrel Plebeians swerving  
Was to secure himself from starving;  
And that which made the Peer a Starter,  
Was hope of a long wished for Garter.   

Next comes a Peer who sits at Helm,  
And long has steered the giddy Realm  
With Tailor's motion, mein, and grace,  
But a right Statesman in Grimace;  

The Sneer, the Cringe, and then by turns,  
The dully grave, the Frowns, and Scorns,  
Promises all, but nought performs:   
But how e'er great he's in Promotion,  
He's very humble in Devotion;  
With Taper light, and Feet all bare,  
He to the Temple did repair,  
And knocking softly at the Portal,  
Cried, Pity (Fathers) a poor Mortal,  
And for a Sinner make some room,  
A Prodigal returned home.  
Some say that in that very hour,  
Convert Mall Megs arrived at door;  

So both with penitent Grimace,  
Statesman and Bawd with humble pace  
Entered and were received to grace    

The next a Knight of high Command  
'Twixt London-Bridge and Dover-Sand;  
A Man of strict and holy Life,  
Taking example from his Wife;  
He to a Nunnery sent her packing,  
Lest they should take each other napping.  
Some say L'Estrange did him beget,  
But that he wants his Chin and Wit;  
Good natured, as you may observe,  
Letting his Titular Father starve;  
A Man of Sense and Parts we know it,  
But dares as well be damned as show it;  
Bribed by himself, his trusty Servant  
At Kings-Bench-Bar appeared most fervent  
Against his Honour for the Test,  
To him 'twas Gain, to all Mankind a Jest.   

Blue-Bonnet Lords a numerous store,  
Whose best Example is they're Poor;  
Merely drawn in in hopes of Gains,  
And reap the Scandal for their pains;  

Half starved at Court with expectation,  
Forced to return to their Scotch Station,  
Despised and scorned by every Nation.    

A paltry Knight not worth a mention,  
Renounced his Faith for piteous Pension;  
After upon True Protestant Whore,  
HE had spent a large Estate before.   

A thick short Colonel next does come,  
With straddling Legs and massy Bum:  
With many more of shameful Note,  
Whose Honour ne'er was worth a Groat.   

If these be Pillars of the Church,  
'Tis feared they'll leave her in the lurch;  
If abler Men do not support her Weight,  
All quickly will return to Forty Eight.   
FINIS.