The Distressed Welshman, Born in Trinity-Lane.  
With a relation of his Travels, being altogether Unfortunate. By Hugh Crumpton●   woodcut of man walking amongst mountain goats 
Printed for W, Thackeray, at the Angel in Duck-lane, 1688.   

The Distressed Welshman.  
IF any ask her what her am,  
her is a Gentleman,  
If you will not believe her, then  
go into Trinity Lane:  
For there her was born and bred,  
and afterwards begotten,  
And there her hopes to lay her head  
when all her bones are rotten.  
All you good people that intent  
to recreate your mind,  
Read o'er this story to the ●nd,  
peruse these simple Lines.  
Upon a time it chanced so  
that Taffie did decree  
To leave her Country for to go  
to seek her destiny.  
Now her prepares for her departed,  
and bids them all farewell,  
Her goes away with all her heart,  
this shourney likes her well:  
Was travel up to London town,  
to see the City brave,  
Her in the streets walks up and down,  
what thinks her was a slave?  
No, her hath money in her poke,  
although her friends are small,  
Nay, more than this, her hath a cloak  
to cover her withal.  
And as her walked along the street,  
the City for to see,  
A sheating quean doth Taffy meet,  
and robs him craftily.  
Now he perceives when she was gone  
his money all was lost,  
And after her in haste did run,  
it is no time to boast.  
But all in vain, for she's too swift,  
she leaveth him behind:  
Now he to study some new shift,  
applies his angry mind:  
Now her laments her evil fate  
and bitter destiny,  
For her is left to such a state,  
her knows not where to lie.  
Cots plutter-a-nails he then replies,  
her knows not what to do:  
For her hath seen her better days,  
and bid them all adieu.  
Her dotn lament and weep for grief,  
at her unhappy loss,  
Her seeks about for some relief,  
but all in vain it was:  
At length her came into a shop  
where Meat was to be sold,  
He sits him down, gins to knock,  
the Knave was somewhat bold.  
Her doth begin and thus doth say,  
her was a gentleman,  
Her time was short nor cannot stay,  
for her must soon be gone,  
Her business at the Court remains  
her thither must retire,  
Or else her loses all her gains,  
O her was not a Liar.  
And then his Hostess all in haste,  
brought to him riches store,  
And he by turn on each doth taste,  
there is no need of more.  
In little time he doth suffice  
his hunger that was great,  
And from the table he doth rise,  
leaving but little Meat:  
And then he calls a little Boy,  
thus unto him he said,  
I give thee this, stay here while I  
go see the Reckoning paid.  
The boy more greedy of his gift  
than of his Master's gain,  
To eat all he makes great shift  
while Taffy runs amain.  
This being done, mark one thing more,  
now he hath made escape,  
He calls to mind the day be●ore  
her lost her whole Estate:  
Therefore her walks the streets along  
to see if there were any  
That could redress poor Taffy's wrong,  
or help him to his money:  
And as he walked he met the quean  
that picked his poke before▪  
Was coming to him once again  
to see if there were more.  
When Taffy saw he knew her face,  
and runs to her with speed:  
But was done to his does disgrace,  
as you'll hereafter read.  
Cots plutter-a-nails, this is the Thief  
did steal her money from her,  
And robbed her of all her relief,  
now her doth seize upon her.  
This made the Welshman for to smile,  
though he herself did know,  
Before this bout a little while  
●er served her Hostess so.  
This Cheat for fear of future wrong,  
did to the people say,  
He robbed me as I went along,  
a●d so her run away:  
The people hearing her report,  
Taffy away they hawl  
Into the Sessions-house Court  
to plead before them all:  
And as they dragged him through the street,  
although his case was poor,  
It chan●ed so that he did meet  
the Cook he robbed before.  
Now Taffy must endure the heat,  
before the Judge he's brought:  
The Cook indicts him for his Meat,  
the woman for his fault:  
Now Taffy knowing what was done,  
nothing at all did say,  
But at the last to speak begun,  
was robbed the other day.  
Her sheating trot was pick her poke,  
and rob her by craft,  
Then her was forced to pawn her Cloak,  
none other help was left:  
And the● herself doth wander to  
a Victualling-house with speed:  
Was call for meat was tell to you,  
her hunger for to feed:  
When her was come into the House,  
her Hostess brought good store,  
And her doth taste of every dish,  
while her could eat no more.  
Now her was going for to pay  
for what herself did eat,  
And as her looked another way,  
her spies▪ me this shame sheet.  
Then her pursued her while at last  
was catched her by the arm;  
And she turned back, catched me as fast,  
I had the greater harm.  
The Justice hearing all was done,  
and that they did abuse him,  
In order calls them one by one,  
so kindly he did use him:  
But Taffy's tongue could not refrain  
was tell her all her mind;  
He often cries, was ugly quean,  
Cots-plut will beat her blind.  
'Twill not prevail, 'tis all in vain,  
Taffy must surely die,  
It was not time to speak again,  
great was his villainy.  
Now Taffy knows not what to do,  
to die Sentence is given;  
Will her believe? was tell her true,  
was sure to go to Heaven.  
These words did please the people well,  
they all were bend to Laughter,  
But mark what unto her befell,  
the worst of all comes after;  
Just like an Image Taffy stands,  
and dares not move at all,  
But at the last he wrings his ha●ds,  
and on his knees did fall;  
Was pray her Justice, Jesus sake,  
not judge her to be hanged,  
Some other sorrows let her take,  
her fears not to be banged:  
The Justice then to him replies,  
●hou shalt not hanged be;  
Co splut and ones, the Welshman cried.  
gr●at thanks was given to thee.  
but the Justice speaking on  
did much increase her sorrow,  
Thy hand shall burned be a●on,  
yea, almost burned thorough.  
This liked not the Welshman well,  
yet her had rather bide  
To see the Suburbs of black Hell,  
than in the town to ride.  
Hold up thy hand the hangman said  
where I shall thee appoint;  
This made poor Taffie sore afraid  
was wish 'twas out of joint.  
The hangman then to him did say,  
when I the Iron bring,  
Hold thy head another way,  
say thrice God save the King.  
The hangman he ma●es no delay,  
but quickly clapped it too,  
God save; plut was hot her says,  
was almost burned through.  
The people all did laugh outright  
while he did weep as fast,  
The hangman put him to a fright,  
says all his grief's not past.  
He tells him he must burn once more  
because he did not sing  
As he had taught him once before,  
three times God save the King.  
Cots-p●ut and one's, was make her cry,  
Cot bless her burning arm;  
Excuse her to her Majesty  
when her hath all the harm.  
This being done, the Justice frees  
poor Caffy by the Law;  
But yet alas was pay her Fees,  
or all's not worth a straw.  
This one thing grieves her most at last  
than all was done before;  
Her is not yet gone clearly passed,  
for there is one thing more.  
The Keeper asks him for his Fees,  
which vexed the Welshman sore,  
Her has no score for aught her knew  
was pay her all before.  
Was ask her now for Keeper's Fees,  
her had no chink at all,  
Her may not buy no Leeks nor Sheese,  
her substance is so small;  
Was pray her Keeper op●n door,  
as her may truly swear,  
As her was never there before,  
will never more come there.  
The Keeper hearing what he said  
was moved unto laughter,  
Poor Taffy he no longer stayed,  
take heed (quoth he) hereafter.  
Now he hath 'scap'd the Keeper's claws,  
and hath his freedom won;  
His mind is bend to learn the Laws,  
and now her hath begun:  
Forthwith to the Court he goes with speed  
a Lawyer's Clerk to be,  
Yet he could neither write nor read,  
O the more is the pity.  
Now her was asked what her were,  
her was a Gentleman,  
And her hath suffered many a loss,  
thus her complaint began:  
But her will rather bide the pain  
a Lawyer's man to be,  
Before her will return again  
into her own Country.  
Although you know your calling ill,  
yet her delights to live  
A Servant to your pleasures will,  
if her will her believe,  
Her never loved her bones should work  
at any toilsome trade,  
But her likes best to be a Clerk,  
mark well what her hath said:  
His Master asked him if he had  
learned Latin Books, or Greek,  
What think her was a man was mad,  
was think her cannot speak:  
Was learned her A B C 3 times o'er,  
before her had a primer;  
And now her had no need of more,  
her has enough within her.  
Now they did ask if her could read  
a Lawyers written scroll,  
Now Taffy has nothing to plead,  
he cannot read at all:  
Kind Reader judge, is this thing true  
which Taffy hath decreed,  
He swears he'll write as well as you  
though he could never read.  
It was decreed for Taffy then  
to learn his book apace,  
And next day to return again  
into the selfsame place;  
Next day betimes to the place he goes,  
from whence he did proceed.  
What he hath learned no man knows,  
he tells them he can read:  
He meets his Master in the Hall  
was tell her what was do,  
Was write, God bless us, on a wall  
and her was read it true.  
The people than did laugh at him,  
was thought her was in Heaven,  
Because to read her did begin  
the sentence that was written.  
God bless me then forthwith he said,  
which when the people heard,  
Said Taffy you have falsely prayed  
as by your words appeared:  
Her was not wrong, was tell untrue,  
was sure was no mistake,  
Pray for herself and not for you,  
lest God should her forsake.  
'Twas wisely done as I may say  
of such a fool as he,  
And he must write all the next day  
to gain a Lawyer's Fee;  
Her takes her seat, was bravely placed,  
the Pen and Ink doth take,  
A pattern was before his face  
like to like he must make.  
And as it happened there did see  
his true copy before him,  
An Ape's Picture was hanging by,  
and Taffy did adore him.  
Now Taffy thought that was the rule  
that he was for to follow,  
Behold the wisdom of a Fool  
goes far beyond Apollo:  
He makes a form, as I was told.  
would make a man to tremble,  
And if that I may be so bold  
it did himself resemble.  
Cors-plut was Picture fine and brave,  
was like her passing well.  
Her picture to her Master gave,  
see what to him befell:  
Sir rah, I told thee thou shouldst make  
what was before thee written;  
Therefore thou must for thy mistake  
with many stripes be beaten;  
Co●s plutter-a-nails, will serve her so?  
will stay with her no longer,  
To seek her Fortune her will go  
and her away will wander.  
Now Taffy tells me he hath Land  
was left to her in Wales,  
And her I possess it out of hand  
because her fortune fails;  
But then the Master tells him he  
would beg his whole Estate,  
Because of his simpicitly  
a wis●r man should have't.  
But now her sees there is no cause  
why her should lose her Land,  
For h●r hath learned the English Laws,  
her wears it in her hand.  
Now Taffy tells them that before  
her dearly bought her Learning,  
Such pain was make her cry and roar,  
whilst her poor hand was burning;  
But all in vain it will not do,  
they threaten his Estate,  
Then he replies the Devil take you,  
such Rogues shall never have't.  
Her Father wise, got her a fool,  
as you report of me,  
Why may not her with her long tool  
beget as wise as he?  
Her will not lose her own Estate,  
indeed was tell her true,  
Was sure her has a wiser pate  
than give it unto you:  
His words prevail against his Foes,  
his Land shall not be given  
To any that do him oppose.  
O than her is in Heaven;  
But now her knows not where to go,  
nor whither to betake her;  
Her has no Friends as her do know,  
all people did forsake her;  
Though her has Land and Money store,  
yet her has no possession,  
Therefore in England her is poor,  
that is her own confession.  
Now her was go through thick and thin  
to seek her better fate,  
New course of Life her doth begin,  
the old is out of date;  
O her was hungry, cold and dry,  
her knows no friends at all,  
A Victualling-house her did espy,  
I, but her wealth is small;  
Was enter in as her may say,  
to seek for some relief,  
Her sits her down and there did stay,  
next day her proved a Thief.  
Was ask her Hostess then indeed  
if her had any Meat;  
Her Hostess brought her out with speed  
Calfes-head and heels to eat;  
Was leave her heels and eat her head,  
as her hath truly sworn;  
Will eat no more, but go to bed,  
and take her heels i'th' morn.  
The morn was come the heels was brought  
Taffy did kindly take them,  
He giveth his hostess not a Groat,  
and so he doth forsake them.  
Now Taffy left them, and is fled,  
but cannot hold his bragging;  
But mark how after Taffy sped,  
his tongue must still be wagging.  
They apprehend his person then  
and to the Justice bring him,  
And in the street before all men  
into a Prison fling him;  
'Twill not repay his Villainy,  
they put him in the Stocks,  
From thence into the Pillory  
with many lusty knocks:  
Nay, more than this, the Welshman shall  
(as it shall soon appear)  
Suffer a Loss before them all,  
the Cook must have his ear;  
Be Cot her stay, her shall not cut  
her ear from off her head,  
But if so be her must have it,  
shall be when her is dead.  
But this is vain, it will not serve,  
the hangman ta●e it ●ff,  
And bravely he his flesh doth carve,  
whilst all the people laugh.  
This vexed Taffy to the heart,  
will not appeased be,  
His Ear-root doth so much smart,  
fills her with misery.  
The hangman he then presently  
did shake the newcut ear,  
And Taffy fell into as wound,  
to see her blood lie there.  
They brought him water strong and small  
to bring his life again,  
He riseth up before them all,  
O Taffy was not slain;  
And then he goes out of the crew,  
for so he thought it best,  
Was Pox and Devil both take you,  
and so away he past;  
Now Taffy in the ●ield doth pass  
to rid him out of danger,  
But the poor man was here (ala●)  
abused by a stranger.  
Then to common Butts he goes  
to see the Archers aim,  
And one of them shot him in the Nose,  
was almost split in twain;  
And now the Arrow there doth stay  
while Taffy out doth take it,  
If her shoot her here again I say,  
Cots-plutter-a-nails will break it,  
He kindly gives the Arrow back  
unto the man that shot it;  
And thus poor Taffy goes to wrack,  
but he hath not forgot it;  
The Archers knowing what he was  
could not refrain from laughter,  
But Taffy I would thee advise,  
take heed of them hereafter:  
Well; 'tis no time for him to stay,  
for he doth victuals need;  
He seeks for victuals by the way,  
his hunger for to feed.  
At length he sees a bed of Leeks,  
as he was passing by,  
And how to steal them out he seeks,  
to study policy.  
Now Taffy boldly enters in  
the the thick and thorny Hedge,  
The which did re●d and tear his Skin,  
was almost break her Legs:  
Now Taffy is in, the good man's Dog  
comes running for to by't him,  
He lies as still as any Hog.  
was ready 〈◊〉 besh— him.  
The Dog did by't him by the breeches,  
and rend his Coat in twain;  
Instead of pulling up more Leeks  
he lays them down again:  
And as it chanced Taffy had  
within his poke a Knife;  
And presently he drew the blade,  
and robbed the Dog of's life.  
Then out the good man comes in haste,  
hearing the Dog to cry,  
And down knocked Taffy at the last,  
he on the ground doth lie.  
The good man asked him who he was,  
and how that he came thither;  
Her saith was frighted by a Bear,  
and so was forced thither:  
The old man did search his breeches  
his Villainy to know,  
There he espied a bunch of Leeks,  
and would not let him go.  
Now he must to the Justice go,  
and there he must be tried,  
All which was to increase his woe,  
which he could not abide:  
He must endure the rigid Laws,  
as he had done before,  
Must lose his ears now for this cause,  
to pay the Garderners score.  
O this was grieve her to the heart,  
and puts her in a fear,  
Now her must feel another smart,  
to lose her other ear.  
The Hangman looks for Taffy's ear,  
which was cut off before,  
But he could never find it there,  
which vexed the Hangman sore.  
I prithee friend, the Hangman cries,  
tell me where I may find it,  
For by no means I can devise,  
mine eyes are so much blinded.  
Cots-plut was Rogue the Welshman said,  
her think it is no reason,  
Her should find ears upon her head  
for every time and season.  
Did not her give, mark what I say,  
one of her ears before,  
Therefore the Hangman now must stay;  
was like to have no more.  
〈◊〉 all the people standing there  
〈◊〉 his accuser pray,  
He should not take this other ear,  
but let him pass away:  
Forthwith they free him out of hand,  
and gave him charge that he  
Should soon departed out of the Land  
into her own Country.  
But her resolved to stay a while,  
to seek her better luck,  
Though Fortune did her oft beguile,  
will have the other pluck:  
Now as for Silver her has none,  
was forced to play the Beggar,  
Her to the people makes great moan,  
it is no time to swagger,  
Her to the people did consent  
to give him some relief,  
Their pence a piece on him they spent,  
though he was but a Thief.  
Now Taffy thanks the people kind,  
God bless her night and day,  
Her bears this kindness in her mind,  
and so her went away.  
O her was glad with all her heart,  
had money at her will;  
Now her will learn her such an Art,  
that her will keep it still;  
No sheating whore shall pick her poke,  
her warrant her will save it,  
Was wrap it up within her Cloak,  
none but herself shall have it.  
Well 'twas her chance the other night  
to fall out with a Carter;  
The next day he must with him fight,  
now mark what follows after:  
When his blood is hot, he doth consent  
to meet her the next day;  
The lusty Carter now is bend  
at Cudgels for to play:  
The day was come, the Carter stands  
just at the place appointed,  
But Taffy he was hurt her hands,  
and they must be anointed.  
Nay, more than this, his leg is hurt,  
can neither stand nor go:  
Indeed it is a famous Art,  
and you the reason know.  
But afterwards they to him told  
that one to him was come,  
And in his poke had brought him Gold,  
O then her legs could run:  
Then to receive it he did haste,  
was glad with all her heart,  
And kindly he his friend embraced;  
and loath he was to part.  
O her laments unto her friend,  
and tells her evil fortune,  
But if you read unto the end,  
you'll hear of their departing.  
They walk together up and down,  
to tell each others mind,  
His friend gave to him half a Crown,  
there's twelve pence more behind:  
It is agreed betwixt them both,  
that they should spend the shilling,  
Then Taffy swears a binding Oath,  
that he was not unwilling.  
It is agreed that they should dine  
both at a House together,  
They quickly call for bread and wine,  
as soon as they came thither.  
Each others Health doth now go round,  
for they are void of care,  
The Wine did Taffy quite confound,  
for he hath drank his share.  
Some words between these friends past,  
about their noble blood,  
Then up starts Taffy all in haste,  
his friend had crossed his mood.  
Cots-plut you Rogue, was hold her tongue,  
or her was crack her Crown,  
Will make her pay for all her wrong,  
and then he knocked him down.  
This being done, the people came  
the reason for to know,  
They thought the Welshman had been slain  
but it was nothing so.  
His head was broke, as I may say,  
which to the heart did grieve him,  
It was not well the other day,  
if that you will believe him.  
Now Taffy knows not what to do,  
but he pays it off with thinking,  
It grieves him now I tell you true,  
to lose his friend by drinking.  
Well, by the Law it is agreed  
that Taffy must restore  
Full three and fourpences for the deed,  
to pay the bloody score.  
He pays it then with all his heart,  
was glad he escaped so,  
And he seeks for to departed,  
but e'er he must go,  
His Landlord then to him did say,  
pay what thou owest me,  
For there is twenty pence to pay,  
which I expect of thee.  
Cots-plut, was tell her what was do  
as her may clear the score.  
Was break her head her tell to you,  
and give her five Groats more;  
For her has broke her Brother's head,  
and un●o her hath given  
Full three and fourpences for the deed,  
'twixt nine groats and eleven.  
Then hereupon away he goes,  
he leaves the score to pay,  
But where he is there's no man knows,  
for he is fled away.  
Now Taffy's silver all is gone,  
there's not a penny left,  
And now he travels all alone,  
to seek another shift:  
Into a tavern than he goes,  
to be a Servant there,  
Because Canary Taffy knows  
is better than small beer.  
It was agreed for him to go,  
a Drawer for to be,  
No wages unto him they give,  
because he was not free.  
Now he is willing for to serve  
at any poor condition,  
That he might not with hunger staruè,  
was glad of that profession.  
Yet he is subject unto jeers,  
and flouts as I suppose,  
Sometimes they tell him of his ears,  
and then his cloven nose.  
But Taffy now I would advise  
to bear with him all crosses,  
Let him be silent and be wise,  
for fear of greater losses.  
The next day being Sunday, he  
must go into the temple,  
To hear English Divinity,  
but he is an ill example.  
He takes his place, and it is nigh  
unto the Preachers feet:  
In little time that he did lie,  
he fell fast in a sleep.  
The Wine did work in Taffy's head  
and that was all the reason,  
So Taffy lies as one that's dead,  
'twas for a little season.  
Awake, awake the Preacher said  
unto the people all,  
And then poor Taffy was afraid  
some body did him call.  
By and by, the Welshman cries,  
did on a sudden start,  
And now he wipes his sleepy eyes,  
let slip a mighty f—  
The people hearing Taffy's voice,  
did at it greatly wonder,  
But others they did think the Sky  
was almost split asunder.  
Now Taffy to resolve the doubt,  
ariseth from the ground,  
And when they saw his cloven snout  
they knew it was Taffy's sound.  
Therefore it was the people's mind  
to drive him out of town,  
Each man doth prove to him unkind,  
the first man knocks him down.  
The boys and girls run after him,  
all people doth him chase,  
Through the River he must swim,  
was in a piteous case.  
But Taffy wished himself in Hell,  
for her was sore offended;  
And now I wish the Reader well:  
for so my story's ended.  
Finis.