AN EXCLAMATION From TUNBRIDGE And EPSOM Against The Newfound Wells At ISLINGTON. BEhold, the fickleness of Fortunes Wheel! The Instability of things under the changeable Moon! So shall you find it foretold in Manuscript-Prophecies,( never yet Printed) p. 409. " Tunbridge was, Epsom is, Islington shall be " The greatest Bog-house of the squittering three. Beshrew all Witches and their Southsayings. That Prognostication at this juncture seems hastening to its accomplishment; and then, wo and alas! What shall become of us poor Tunbridge and Epsom? How comfortably in times bypassed, have we lived all the Summer, like Fishes, merely by Water and Tippling; And in the Winter, like Greenland Bears, sucking our own Claws? Loretto was scarce haunted with such swarms of Pilgrims as our Health-restoring Plains, nor Rome more crowded in a Jubilee, than we were, from merry May till after the Dog-starr had done Barking, and the more important Negotiations of Bartoldom-fair, called home our Customers. Happy were they that could get shelter in our Illustrious palaces, covered with immortal Thatch, and delicately hung with the Spinstry of Arachne, Vulgarly called Cloath of Cob-web. Three Families not seldom dwelled in one Chamber scarce so big as a taffety Tart; and without any superstitious niceness about difference of Sex, lovingly pigg'd in together. Strangers from remote Regions, came in Guilt Coaches, to DUNG our barren Heaths for us, at their own charge; and having given us 3. or 4. pounds for a Supper over-night, returned us the substance of it, with an overplus, next morning Gratis; many a fair House have we built with that which is called the beginning of Love; and made more profit of Excrements than ever the Emperour Vespatian did of his Excise upon Piss. We shall never forget those jolly dayes, how we have been frequented by the Noble and the Gay, the fine and the fair; the roaring fops, and the still, sly, formal Cockcombs; the Swaggerers in Buff, and the Venerable in Satin; the Flaming Lasses and the simpering Dames, those that help others, and those that help themselves; the wits and the jilts, the fond Husbands and the more foolish maintainers, the miserly Fathers, and the generous Sons, and the free-sporting Daughters, and the procuring Cozens, the Hectoring Bullies, and the snuffling Precisians; the long Hair, and the overgrown Ears; Whigg and Tory, Trim●●er and all, were every Mothers Son, our constant Customers. The Ladies would fine-and-Recovery away their Joinctures, and part even with their precious Stones, rather, than not have a Green Gown or two on our Banks; and a Citizen could as soon persuade his Spouse to forswear Conventicles, as prevail with her not to visit us once a year. Here, the Buckram-bagg'd Lawyer Hoarse with a circuits bawling, came to restore his voice; but caressing a small Shee-friend more impaired it, and so fell into the hands of a Doctor, who went to Law with his Disease, and acted ( Secundum Artem) all the Tricks, of Plea, Exception, Demurrer, Interlocutory Order, and peremptory Consideratum est, till Ignoramus despairing as much as ever his Client in forma Pauperis, and looking altogether as simply; happened to be taught by one of Sir Andrew Judds schoolboys, that Telephus was hea'ld by the rust of the same Spear that wounded him; and that Pliny somewhere says, Vipers Flesh is the best Remedy for the hurt of their Stings; whereupon repairing to the Crack, that bestowed the Clap, she in 9 days, made him as sound as a roche, with a Decoction of Guiacum and a few Turpentine Pills. Here the over-fraighted Strumper( undone by doing; or ruined, like some improvident Shopkeepers, by grasping at too great a Trade) puts in to New-wash, Carreen, and Tallow; and so returns a fresh and Blooming Virgin: Here disappointed Wives, met with seasonable Refreshments; the Barren by virtue of our Metalsome Waters, and the application of an able Doctor behind a Bush, found Nature relieved, grew fruitful and blessed their rejoicing Husbands with many an hopeful Heir. But now all these Felicities are like to expire, Interlopers are abroad, and we must cry out as the Quack-Doctors do— Beware of Counterfeits, for they swarm; could not folks be content to invent new Fashions, and new Oaths, new Religions and new Models of Government, but the devil must put them upon finding out new Wells, and new Physical Waters, when there were old ones enough of all Conscience, to have scoured their Guits, and purged their Purses, and make work for the Doctors. Tell us, O you Sage Astrologers( who tother day prognosticated the Turks Victories, and the ruin of the most Christian King; you who hold a Bakers dozen of Coelestial-Houses in Fee-simple, yet are scarce able to pay your Rent for one poor lousy Cottage on Earth) tell us, I pray, what unlucky stars govern this capricious Age, and put people on such plotting humours? For we are, many ways, bound to Curse their pragmatical Influences; first Oatses Plot for two or three years frighted away our Roman Communicants, Not a Shaveling Priest tho never so disguised, durst appear in our Walks; but was as afraid of our Springs, as the Devil is of their Holy-water: And then the Whiggs must go plot( with an Horsepox to 'em) and so wee lose that party too: And now here comes a Third plot, worse( to us) than either of the other two, a plot, a devilish, a damnable, a horrid plot, to persuade People( not that BOBBING is SALAMANCA, or FORTY ONE EIGHTY THREE, but) that Sadlers Musique-house is Southborrow, and Clarkenwell-Green, Caverly-Plain; That Abana and Pharpar( Rivers of Damascus) are equal to old Jordan, That Islington, forsooth, is commenced Epsom, per Saltum, as Fools become Physicians and golden Dunces, wooden doctors at Leiden; That the juice of a few Cowturds, mixed with a shame of Steel-dust, and steeped in a new-vamp'd Well, that in all likelihood was an old House of Office; can bee effectual as our wonder-working Fountains that taste of could Iron, and breath pure Nitre and Sulphur. Audacious and unconscionable Islington! was it not enough that thou hast time out of mind been the Metropolitan Mart of Cakes, Custards, and stewed Pruans? The chief place of entertainment for Suburb Bawds, and Loitering Prentices? Famous for Bottle'd Ale that begins the Huzza! before one drinks the Health, and Statutable Cans, 9 at least to a Quart That thou flowest with delicious Milk extra from rotten turnips and Hogwash Grains Renowned for Middletons pipes, and putting forth both Calves and Bastards to Nurse? Could not all these Advantages satisfy thee without invading our privileges, and trumping up your Spouts and old dormant Holes, to Intercept our Customers, and utterly spoil our ancient Staple Manufactory of Spewing and Shit— g? But suppose their Waters could be conceited somewhat comparable where is the Air? Where the Diversions? Where the Conveniencies? If an honest Man walk out at five, he shall be expected back at eight to What-dee-lack-it in his Shop, where he sits forall the world like a Lord in a Hutch; Besides, Duns, and Serjeants, and Marshals-Men lie perdieu all along the cost, and make his Walk as perilous as a voyage to scandaroon. If a virtuous woman repair thither, since going to St. Antlins, and Morning Lectures is out of fassion, some Eves dropping Neighbour thrusts in for a Companion, but proves indeed a spy, and she must hurry home by Dinner, or else the good Man runs Horn-mad, and where's a bodies enjoyment then? Is trotting to Islington on foot with a dull Husband, or a froward Wife, a durty-fisted apprentice, or a blabbing Maid, for two or three hours, comparable to the delights of being Jog'd and Jolted in a Coach, and with brave Company trundled down Madamscourt-Hill, or over Bansted-downs? And staying out a Month or two, without being troubled with the peivish yoke-fellow, save only on Saturday and Sunday Nights( on which you are sure to be very Sick) and all the rest of the Week as blithe as Datchellors, and free and uncontrolled as the most absolute monarchs of the East, having nothing to do, but Cajole the believing Fopp at home with a few kind Lines, for a supply of Cash, dictated by the obliging Miss or Gallant, to make the Sport more divertive. Consider well all these Advantages of a remoter distance, consult your Interest, and abandon this upstart heresy of Flocking to Islington, tell your Friends what strange rumblings those Waters make in your Bellies and your Brains; believe it the Papists or the Whiggs( as Chronicles tells us, the Jews did of old) have poisoned those Wells; and that all their operation proceeds either from jesuits powder, or fanatical Quicksilver. Return therefore to your good old customs: Let us enjoy your Company, and take you the usual divertisements of undisturbed Society, so shall wee suspend our Complaints, and you bee better gratified by continuing a Converse with Your Old Friends and Tres-Humble Servants, TUNBRIDGE and EPSOM. London, Printed for J. How, 1684.