FLOS INGENII VEL Evacuatio Discriptionis.  
Being an Exact DESCRIPTION of EPSAM, and EPSAM WELLS.  
IT is a sorry Town, shituate in a good air, naturally bounded with Bumsteed downs on the East, and Arsteed on the South, the rest lies open like a bare Buttock to be lashed by the Describer of it. The Heath or Common where the Well stands cannot but be a blustering place, the wind blowing from so many corners at once; 'tis naturally barren, but being well dunged it causeth it in great abundance to produce divers Drug's and Vegetatives, as Arsenic, Assa faetida, Water-creasses, and Scurvy grass. There are few Nettles to be found, but many Dock's, resembling Mushrooms, only these shoot up in a night and the other shit up in the morning. The Well itself represents some great Farm house having so many fair backsides belonging to it. The Trees that will grow there are such as bear your Pistaccoes, and Meddlers, commonly called Opens. The Birds that frequent it, are the Bunting, the Thrush in Latin called Turdus, and the Water-Wagtails; as for the Rooks they hover about the Bowling-green in the Town. The Heath or Common on which the Well stands, is a place contra di stinkt to Hyde-park, for here many secrets are disclosed. Concerning the virtues of the water they are many, it makes the women that drink it to be Malcontented: and many men that drink it, to have such a swimming in their heads that they take other men's wives for their own. How quiet soever this water is in the well being drunk it makes its way throw many sore Breeches of the body. Being drunk in the morning it will produce a Quiddiny of whatsoever you did eat over night, here is the true Elixir Proprietatatis to be had of every ones own making. The strength of this water you may judge of by making the stoutest gallants of both Sexes to couch, it being of a stoopifying nature. No fish, they say, will live in this water but Smelts. Let people come never so well qualified and sober to drink this water it will make them lose in a few hours. Yet how lose soever the drinkers of this water are, hither the Nonconformists come squirting, this water makes them Conformists, to conform to the old way of evacuation, nay, to cringe and to bow, yea to do reverence in the place. And this they do with the more confidence because there is none there that can tell tails they are so many. When the water drinkers are in a Body on the Common as sometimes they are postured you would take them to be the Representatives of the Rump Parliament. How different so ever they are in their judgements they meet there with one Consent. There are none idle there, but all at their Business. The Soldier he is presenting, and giving fire. The Physician casting of his Water, the Apothcary at his Clyster, the Lawyer waiting for his motion, the Archer nocking of his Arrows; the Grammarian at his Ars in presenti, the Musician at his strain, but none of the sweetest, the Mathematician erecting his Teliscope, the Seaman cleansing his Scupper hole; so that you would take it for a kind of Cacademy. There Men play at back Gammon without Tables, and Women at Beast without Cards. And as the silly Bustard, as Stinkfeildius saith, thinks if his head be hid in a bush or brake, his whole body is invisible too, thus these water drinkers, so their Tails be hid they care not if their heads, and all the rest of their bodies be seen. Here two distant times or seasons of the year do meet in a moment or minute, the Spring and the Fall; for they no sooner duck down, but they are up again. There, though a mixed company they are not confused for they go in rank, and file, or dine quis que suo, every one in his ordure. None can lose his friend long there, for 'tis but following his nose, and he'll be sure to find him: one thing there to be admired is this that piece of ground that looks green this moment is all turd the next. One would think the Town of Epsam should be a very rich place for no Citizen comes there but he leaves somewhat like gold behind him. Take the Town entirely together and you would think it some strange beast, or monster having such a devouring MAW in it. To draw to a Conclusion, for the more we stir, the more we shall stink in this business. Epsam, is a place to take the air in.   

London Printed in the year 1674.