THE FOOL and the KNAVE UNCASED Or a true NARRATIVE OF The abominable Cheats OF VINCENT & COLLINS, TWO Dominican Friars Living in LONDON.  
Printed in the Year 1678.   

THE FOOL and the KNAVE Uncased, etc.  
THough this Subject deserve, neither Apology, nor Preface, in itself, or is necessary to a well qualified Reader; yet since it is now exposed to all, you shall have the reason Why, at the door, to prevent you from censuring after you come in.  
If it be necessary to distinguish the scabbed Sheep from the flock; the infected in Plague-time, from those in Health; if it be necessary to pull the Sheep's clothing from the Wolves back; then is it not only lawful, but necessary, for me to expose this to the World, as well to prevent the Contagion of the weaker sort of the Flock, and the censure of a whole Church for a brace of Impostors, as to let all (that have by the inculcation of such odd Precedents conceived a prejudice against us) know how much we disown, dislike, and hate them, and wish, (which is as much wanted as wished) that there were a Power that not only could, but also would, take cognizance of, and punish such Malefactors, and out of a true compassion to the whole Body, separate the contagious Members. I declare and own as great a tenderness to my Neighbour's reputation, as to the Apple of my Eye; and therefore hate and abhor, any Person that out of envy, malice, or interest, shall either whisper about his Neighbours private frailties, which are only to his own particular prejudice, or to magnify, and add, what is false: But when the public actions of Persons, are not only hurtful to themselves, but reflect upon a whole Congregation, and bring a Scandal upon the very Principles of our Religion; it is so far from deserving a censure, that there is an obligation somewhere incumbent, to let them and their Cheats, be known; that so they, and opprobriums, and farther contagions may be avoided: I only hang out a Lantern, and set up a fencing rail at the dangerous precipice: If any Traveller find fault with me, in the night of his ignorance, he'll thank me in theday light of his better understanding. Had not the grand Impostor (Collins) by suborning a Wench to counterfeit herself Demoniac or possessed of the Devil, brought a great Scandal upon us, and our Religion; Or Vincent the like, by making people believe that he and his Wench should die, and rise again the third day; and had not the thing been so public, and ridiculous, that even Poor Robin had it in his Divertisements, to render our Religion ridiculous, at least to the vulgar; I had been silent. But now all things oblige me to this impartial Narrative, and I presume, that after all these weighty Reasons, and the necessity of publishing this Paper, no one will be so void of Charity as to censure me of the want thereof, for I hearty wish the Conversion of such miscreants, and do declare, I have no pique at their persons, but what their deportment deserves, and our necessary defence requires; for (in short) 'tis better the public acts of two notorious Impostors should be laid open, censured, detested, and disowned, than a whole Congregation, (by smothering the same) be rendered Scandalous and Odious.  
Vincent and Collins, two Dominican Friars (for their rare exploits having lately commenced Doctors) are the subject of this Discourse, the Stage of their Actions, London: What place spewed them hither, I am as ignorant of, as they of their Native country. These two ubiquitarian Vagabonds having not long since taken up their station here, began to constult, and join their Loggerheads together, what gainful Trade was best to drive; amongst many proposed, they agreed upon this, which they acted, and I shall relate. In the first place (for fear their old foreign Names, should retain with them the scent of their foreign exploits) they discard them, and assume these of Collins and Vincent, this done, (and taking a cheerful Cup of the Creature,) they rub up their brazen Faces, and take up their station in the throng of the Fair: But (in all exploits of this kind,) some assistants being necessary; they very patly meet with a couple of cunning Jades, as fit for their purpose, as a halter for a Thief, these they train up for their purposes, both to act, and decoy. First Collins, who was to act the Conjurer or caster out of Devils, trains up his Wench to make wry Mouths, ugly Faces, squint Eyes, to contract, and dilate her Mouth, to lay out her Tongue, to arm it against Fire, to foam at the Mouth with the help of Soap, to make hideous noises, to speak through the Nose (like himself with a Pox broken ends of Latin, Dutch, and Irish instead of Greek. After some private trials how she could perform her part, (as Players do before their public Act) (and after having made the whole Town ring, of a Maid possessed with the Devil,) he makes a public appointment both of time, and place, where, and when, he and the Devil should enter into the Lists for a single touch in a fair Combat. The eminent place, and more than ordinary Persons present I must omit: Now behold all the Spectators present, of several Sexes, Ages, Degrees, and Religions, expecting the result of this great enterprise: The Wench is brought in bound, her Face made pale with Meal like the Picture of Death, and Collins with some deluded Assistants, armed with all his hypocritical Engines, in Pontificalibus makes his entry, at whose presence, the Wench trembles, gins to foam, to roar, to contract all parts, and in fine to empty her whole Budget of tricks, and as if the Devil were in her, utters strange gibberish, which Collins the Devil's Interpreter explains, to the People, and after having made dissembling address to the People, falls aboard the Wench, and most sacrilegiously abuses all those venerable Ceremonies of the Church, in employing them them to a mere Imposture, and fiction of his own contriving. And parts on both sides were so wickedly well to the life performed, that all swallowed the Gudgeon and were well satisfied, till one of his Assistants, a Franciscan Friar, (who, not privy to Collins' design, believed all with the rest) thinking his Girdle had (as the Jesuits Powders) some occult quality, or Power over the Devil, rudely thrust the knot of Saint Francis his Cord into her Throat, so that the Maid, to avoid a necessity of being choked, was forced to unmask, shifts herself by force from the Friar, and in earnest cries out to the People for Christ Jesus sake, to assist her, and rescue her from the Friar's Clutches, which was immediately performed, and Collins hissed out of the place. Spectatum admissi risum teneatis amici. The Maid was afterwards by Authority examined upon Oath, and confessed the whole truth of what has been here related.  
This unfortunate accident, having discouraged my Gentleman from appearing any more in public, he hath yet the confidence left, to hold forth in private Families, and imposes upon weak silly Women (his only audience) and there (to show his admired Talents, in vending his Rhodomontado balderdash,) he snivels out his profound Nonsense, and draws John Calvin through the Nose. So Exit Collins, and Enter Vincent.  
You have all, I suppose, heard of the story of one that lived in Martin Luther's days, a Germane Reformer, who having set up for himself and bid a defiance to the Pope, and to make himself famous in the beginning, by performing a Miracle, suborns a Wench for Money to counterfeit herself dead, that he might raise her again to life; but God's just Judgement having struck her dead in earnest, and he not being able to raise her again to life; had (for his Imposture) much ado to save his own life, from the rage of the People. Now whether Vincent learned this trick from the Germane Gentleman, or whether good Wits jumped, 'tis hard to judge: Yet for matter of Wit, crave your pardon, for now I think on't, if Friar Vincents Head had been as empty of other garbage as of Wit, 'twould have made a brave Drum for Dr. Fuller to beat a march on in his Holy War.  
But to the story; Vincent aspiring to fame in the World, slights Bellarmine's Speculation, de arte bene moriendi, having found out a better himself in praxi. First therefore he instructs his Girl, how to counterfeit Death, privately in his Chamber, and how to Act all the dying postures, as opening the Mouth, contracting her Limbs, the careless hanging of Head, Hands and Legs, as if destitute of motion, adding pale, wan, and livid colours proper to each part: This done, he makes the whole Town ring of this great Miracle, which was to be wrought upon the Maid, to wit, that without any previous Sickness, she should die just at such an hour, and rise again the third day; And no time would serve his turn, to show his Hocus Pocus tricks, but the the Holy time of Lent and Good-friday it self; to cross the Proverb, with the worse deed on the better day. The time drawing near, all preparations are made for this stupendious Miracle; People of different Religions are invited, they come to the place appointed; Father Vincent then in a solemn manner, accompanied with some Assistants, with Bell, Book, and Candle, Cross, Copes, Holywater, Sacrament and Holy Oils; after a small Nonsensical Oration fit for the purpose, applying several Texts of the Holy Scripture, as that he will not suffer his Holy Ones to see Corruption, using the Plural instead of the singular number. This ended with a profound silence and earnest gazing, every one expects the event, some feared their own surmises might prove true, others that the Wench might prove with Child, and so rather bring one into the World than pack out herself: But the critical minute of Vincents presagement being come, the Wench (having her promised reward in her Pocket, before hand and fearing some miscarriage in the business, and consequently shame and punishment;) instead of dying, bursts out into a profound laughter, as well she might, and so the Impostor was discovered, and Vincent hissed at by the People. Vincent now too late reputes his folly of paying People their Wages before their Work was done; and knowing not which way to turn himself here, runs into the Country and the Wench after him, whom he durst not treat but kindly, for fear of farther mischief; there they stayed for the space of one year, till the noise was a little over, and then returned to London, where Vincent fall to his old Trade again, and gets a sodality of the female Sex about him, and Preaches old women's dreams and fancies, for Revelations and Miracles. One passage I had almost forgot that happened to Vincent since his return from the Country.  
There is a poor old man in this Town, that once upon a time having stolen a Sheepshead, and being apprehended in the fact, is eversince baited by the Boys in the streets, who follow him in every cornern with loud acclamations of Sheepshead, it happened one day, that Father Vincent passing by, in the midst of these acclamations, and not minding to whom they were directed, surmised himself to be the person they hooted at so loudly, and in a panic fear, betakes himself to his Heels with his Eyes arsy-varsy, the better to view their approach; the nimble witted young Fry, discovering his timorous posture, and causeless flying, conclude him a new Sheepshead, and leaving the old hunted Game, pursue the fresh view, with a full cry of nothing but Shepshead, Sheehead a new. Vincent finding they got ground upon him, redoubled his fears, and they his pace, so that with much ado for that time, he got to shelter and escaped their fury; but the poor Friar as well, as his Breeches were in a terrible twitter, and next day all the sodality of Sisters, gave thanks for his Miraculous delivery.  
Thus you have a brief account of these two Montebanks in Religion: I could have wished the ingenious Author of Hudibras had light upon this for one of his Subjects, where Vincent and Collins would have matched his Hudibras and Ralpho in all points, and have fitted him to a Cow's thumb: Now e'en let the Players take it up and mould it into a Comedy, 'twill fill their Boxes and Purses, both especially if they'll but admit Vincent and Collins to Act their own Parts in Person, the best Trade they can now drive. Now after all these premonitions, and cautions, Si vulgus vult decipi, decipiatur, if the People will be cheated let them, and there's an end.  
FINIS.