THE London Bully, OR THE PRODIGAL SON, DISPLAYING THE Principal Cheats OF OUR MODERN DEBAUCHEES; WITH THE Secret Practices and Cabals of the Lewd APPRENTICES of this TOWN: DISCOVERED IN THE LIFE & ACTIONS Of an Eminent CITIZENS SON.  
LONDON, Printed by Hen. clerk, for Tho. Malthus at the Sun in the poultry, 1683.   

The Mind of the Frontispiece.  
An Armed Bulley at first is to be seen,  
threatening Destruction with a furious mien;  
This Bully then to Cards and Dice doth sit,  
Drinks, whores & revels until h'as lost his wit,  
The Jilting Whores cajoling him the while,  
Picking his Pocket with a treacherous smile;  
Thus what by wil●ss and cheats he did obtain,  
By wil●ss and cheats is got from him again:  
The Bawd and Satan who the Door do guard,  
Do both expect from him a large Reward:  
The Bawd his Purse does mean to drain & pick  
Then nought but Bully will content Old neck.   

THE PUBLISHER TO THE READER.  
THE Author of these following Sheets, having been an Eminent Citizens Son, and being reclaimed by the miserable Effects of his Extravagancies, from pursuing the Vanities & Disorders of the World, he was prevailed with to Publish these memoirs of his Life, for allarming others, that they steer not the same Course; and as a Mirror, wherein may be seen the Misery which attends all the days of a Debauchee. He has found the Emptiness, and met with all the Stings of what People look upon as Pleasures, and therefore thought that a Landscape of the wretched Consequences of those Joys he so eagerly Courted, would be of some Use to the public, since it might divert the headstrong Youth from blindly hunting after what grows Nauseous in a moment, and which is punished with inevitable Mischiefs here, as it will undoubtedly with Eternal Pains hereafter. But for several Considerations he thought fit to conceal the true Profession of his Father, and hid it under that of a Lawyer ( which he thought he might without Injustice palm upon them, since they seem now adays to transmit Deceit to their Posterities, and leave all manner of Cheats and Rogueries for a Portion and Inheritance to their Children) seeing he met with Reproaches enough from his own Conscience, without needing the Upbraidings of those Persons he now converses with in the World; and since a sincere Repentance has attained him from the Mercy of Heaven a more calm and happy Estate and Settlement, he is not willing to have it disturbed by any ill Conduct of his own, nor by any Further Checks he might with Justice receive upon a Confession and Discovery of that Nature. As Example is ever more edifying than Precept, if this may in any wise he serviceable towards the kerbing the Sallies of impetuous Youth, he will reap the Satisfaction he pr●posed to himself in this Undertaking, and will not regret his having thus exposed himself in Print.  
farewell.   

THE London Bully; OR THE PRODIGAL SON, DISPLAYING The principal CHEATS of our Modern DEBAUCHEES.  
I Do not doubt but that there will be those Persons who will be displeased at this Design of mine to describe my own Life; for to what purpose is it to spoil your own Vine, will they say, and to expose yourself to the derision of all the World, by bringing yourself upon the Stage, as a perfect Example of a Debauched Youth? But be pleased to hear a word before you so rashly condemn me: What would you say if I should place before your eyes the Sentence of Horace, which says, Mutato nomine de te Fabula narratur; that is to say, It is you perhaps we speak of, and that there is only a change of Name. I know very well the Nature of men, of whom there are few that see their own faults, &c. and who nevertheless have eyes good enough to see those of others; yet there is no body has the same Sentiments of himself that others have of him; from hence proceeds so many Abuses in human Life; for when we once miss the right Channel, we commonly deviate for some years. Thus then that no body may go astray, it is absolutely necessary to search out first the Principles, and to consider them with application; which being found, and laid for a foundation, might facilitate the progress of all things; for though they seem sometimes contemptible, and of little value, yet they are capable of giving us light and information for greater matters. Deliberation made in time, is always the first thing in order; which being done, you must begin betimes, for it savours of Laziness to begin too late, and of Foolishness never to finish; considering that the End crowns the Work.  
But perhaps these Philosophical Arguments prove tedious, and that you are thinking in yourself, to what purpose this Preface is: 'Tis what I am to unfold unto you.  
The End that I propose to myself in this little Book, is to render you wise by other Peoples Example; which is the surest and most commodious way of Learning for him who would know the Humors of the World. You may learn herein to precaution yourself, by seeing my Negligence and little Care; and from my Infamy, you may reap Honour and Glory. For you are not ignorant that it is the first degree of Wisdom to begin by ones self to be wise; and the second, to listen to those who are wiser than we: and he who knows how to do neither the one nor the other, is in no consideration. But let us lay aside all these things, and return to our Discourse.  
You must know then that London is the Place of my Birth, a City famous through all Europe, which dispenses me from the obligation of making an exact Description thereof. My Father was an Attorney, and had taken to Wife the Daughter of a Physician, who brought him a great Portion: Wherefore two days after the Marriage, he had a Velvet Coat made him, to render himself the more considerable among the common People; and he went so cunningly to work, that in a short time he was one of the most considerable Attorneys about London. Two years after their Marriage, my Mother brought me into the World, and thereby caused extraordinary Joy in all our Family; there was an Ocean of People offered to stand Godfathers or Godmothers, which is common in rich Families, whereas the poor can hardly find any Body to carry their Children to the Font.  
After a great deal of Debate on both sides, this Honour was done to my uncle, and I was carried to the Church to be Baptized, and was Christened by the Name of William; and since that time my Nurse knew how to prognosticate that I should be but a bad Christian; forasmuch as at the very moment the person was baptizing me, I made known by my squawling, that I had no mind to be christened; and I fancy that Woman was a Witch, forasmuch as the whole Course of my Life has confirmed her prophesy with a vengeance.  
as soon as I was brought back from Church, they left me to the Care of the Nurses; for my Mother following the example of People of Quality, would not give me suck her self; and on the other side, I believe that what inclination soever she may have had for Children, she did not listen to their Cries, and that she did not find her self capable of the trouble of rocking the Cradle Thus was I delivered into the hands of this Nurse, who dwelled in our neighbourhood, and who sometimes went to show me to my Mother.  
I must ingenuously own that I always loved that Woman more than my Mother, and whereof I believe this is the only Cause, that I owe no more than my Birth to my Mother; for she took very little care of my Education, being a proud, haughty woman, and not loving to be troubled with Children.  
Thus was I above two years old before I was admitted into my Fathers House, and I had already learnt to say Papa and Mama; for to say My Father and My Mother, savoured too much of the Mobile, for a man of the Quality of an Attorney, as my Father was.  
I was so happy as to be the only Child my Mother brought into the World; for after this all the Butter fell into my Broth, and in the Evening I was the only divertisement of my Father. But methinks it impertinent to amuse you with Childish Fooleries; I shall only tell you that in the fourth year of my Age I was sent to School; from whence, after having spent some years in learning to red and writ( for I had but very little inclination that way) my Father, whose Riches augmented every day, was resolved to bring me up to the Law; and to prepare me for it, he sent me to Westminster-School, and boarded me at the Masters, that so I might have the less time adays for my diversion, and that I might be obliged by his rigorous Discipline to apply myself the better to study, than I had done in learning to red and writ. It is easy to believe how that way of living was insupportable to me, after having followed my own desires, and having been accustomend to play as long as the Day allowed me. But I was forced to have patience, forasmuch as there was no help for it.  
Whilst that I was in the first and second Form, I applied myself very well to my Studies, being obliged thereto by the severity of the Usher, and by the fear of incurring his disfavour by my neglect. But Time makes us used to all, as Experience shewed it in my person; for being become two years older, the fear I stood in of his fierce and severe looks, was absolutely rooted out of my heart; and this ill disposition grew up to such a pitch, that entering into the fourteenth year of my Age, into the fourth Form, I no longer stood in fear either of threatenings or punishments.  
The Usher had a Son, who was in the fourth Form with me, and was of the same Age. I had contracted with him, through a long familiarity, a constant and inviolable friendship, insomuch that we would help one another upon all occasions. Thus it happened, that being in the fourth Form, our Master, who was a man, though old, yet severe and capricious, had made some black spots in my right Arm, by striking me with the Ferula, which pained me to that degree, that I could hardly stir my Arm, which made me resolve to take my revenge let it cost what it would; but I was not capable of executing all alone my Design; wherefore I asked Robert, which was the Usher's Son's Name, to help me out in this Design; which he readily yielded to. In composing a parcel of Verses, I on set purpose committed so many Faults, that I was for that reason put the lowermost of all: Robert was the first, and his place opposite to mine, and by consequence rightly posted to execute our Design; for the Master being accustomend to enter the School with his Arm a kimbo on his side, casting his eye up, with a grim and serious Gate, we stretched out a little Rope across the School, and so placed ourselves under the Table, with each of us a knife in his hand. Now the Bell ringing to call to School, he came with his usual gravity, and his Arms a kimbo, and stumbling upon the Rope, he fell down so severely, that I fancied he had entirely broken his old Noddle. This having broken the Rope, and we having cut it at each end, we returned to our places before the poor man could get up again; for being a gross man, he had hurt himself to that degree in his Arms and Legs, and had principally mauled his Face and Forehead, insomuch that the Blood gushed out through his Nose; but forasmuch as we had immediately withdrawn the Rope, he could not bethink himself who it was that had given him so miserable a Fall, and imputed it to the parings of apple which were scattered in the School, for which cause he forbade all the Scholars to bring to School apple, Pears, or any other Fruit.  
Our Design having succeeded so well, we became more bold in playing other Tricks; though we did them with such precaution as entirely excluded the Masters discovery; for almost all the Scholars were true to us, that they choose rather to be whipped, than to be discoverers by a detestable Treachery amongst Scholars; there was only but one little Carrot-pated Rogue, all whose Physiognomy promised no other than infidelity and baseness, who betrayed us, and who was the occasion of our being punished with a vengeance; by which means he incurred the aversion of all my Companions, and we only sought an occasion to reward him for his perfidiousness, which we found out in a short time after, in the following manner; There was an iron-mongers Son, a hard Boy, and full of Courage, who one afternoon had brought a little Bell, wherewith he made so much noise under the Table, as made the Master mad; and as often as he ran to see who it was, the Bell was immediately shifted into the third or fourth hand, insomuch that it was impossible for him to catch us; which put him in that rage, that he fell a swearing and cursing, as if the Devil had possessed him; wherefore we kept still for about an hour without sounding the Bell; when the Master asked us some Latin words which we were to turn into English. In the mean while one of my Cronies had tied the Bell with a little Rope to our Tell-tales Breech; thus knowing that all was done, we pretended not to know a certain Word which the Master asked us, which the Carrot-pated Boy was very glad of, in hopes of possessing the first place by that means; thus when he was to make an Answer in his turn, he did it with an ineffable Joy, and having taken up his B●ok to possess the first place, all the Boys fell a laughing, seeing him run over the Table with the Bell tied to his Bum: The Master perceiving it, and thinking he had found out him who had stunned his Head with the clinking of the Bell, gave him such a swinging Blow on the ear, that the poor Boy fell off the Table, and then the other continued to beat him so furiously, as if he would have massacred him; in the mean time the poor Drole cried out most lamentably, and we were ready to burst with laughing: When the Rector hearing the noise, came into the School, and being informed by the Master with the occasion of this Noise; for it was to no purpose for him to deny it, the Bell hanging still at his Breech, he gave order to the Usher to fetch immediately some Rods, for he was resolved to have him punished very solemnly; no sooner said than done; the poor Carrot-pated Boy was whipped with so much rigour, that in fortnights time it was not possible for him to sit directly upon his Bum. This was the pleasantest Scene to us that we had seen of a long time; for there was no body in the School that had the least compassion for him: Since that time the Carrot-pated Boy had Tale-telling in such abomination, as it was easy for him to know that it was us who had played him that Trick, that after that encounter, he had no desire to tell any more what he had seen.  
Daily did we play such pranks as these, and for the most part with success; but there were also some unhappy Moments which made the mischief fall again upon our heads which we had prepared for others. We were grown so hardened and so accustomend to Blows, that we made no account of them. Amongst others, it one time happened, that Robert and I saw a Boy going by the School, having a great Goat with a venerable Beard, tied with a little cord to his horns; we asked him presently if he would sell the Goat, and at what price? In short, not to tyre you with relations of little value, I'll tell you we bought the Goat for half a Crown; this was just the time the Rector was set down to dinner with his Wife; insomuch that we had a fair opportunity to led the Goat into our School without being taken notice of by any body. We tied his two feet just before our Masters Seat, laying a Book open before him: This being done, we went to place ourselves at the Table to dinner, but the Laughing of the Boys who were come in the mean while into the School, and who had found the Goat in so ridiculous a posture, made us shorten our Meal, and make hast to partake in the Scene, and hinder the other Scholars from spoiling what we had begun with so much care; whereupon Robert, I, and the iron-mongers Son, who were the biggest and most esteemed Boys in all the School, put again into good order, and no body durst any longer laugh out, though to themselves they might laugh their Bellies full. After this, we contrived to make the Welsh Gentleman speak; and after having thought of it a long time, we found out this Expedient; we took two little sticks, each of about three quarters of a Yard long, and put two Needles in the ends of them; thus being desirous to make the Goat red in quality of a Professor, we pricked him behind, and he feeling the Needles, fell a haranguing to a wonder, insomuch that all the Company were obliged to stop their mouths with their handkerchiefs, as being impossible to forbear laughing. At length came the Usher, when Robert and I, who were the Chief of the School, and nearest to the Masters Seat, pricked the Goat behind with all our strength, insomuch that he began to sing after an admirable manner: The Usher seeing this, grew almost mad, out of vexation, and ran immediately to give an Account hereof to the Master. In the mean while we had time to get rid of our little sticks, which was no sooner done, but in came our two Patrons full of rage; asking immediately Who it was that had been first at School? whom having at length found out, and having examined him most rigorously, threatening him with the Whip, he excused himself saying, the Goat had been there before him, and that the Porter stood at the door when he entred the School: This was a sufficient testimony of his Innoeence, insomuch that at that time nothing more was done in the Goats Cause, than to untie him, and drive him out of the door, which undoubtedly he was not sorry for, for he had been under extraordinary Fears in his Professorial Estate.  
But while I was amusing myself with these vain Sports in the School, the Affairs of our House began to grow worse every day than other; for my Father and my Mother were both seized on at a time by a violent fever; whereupon they made me lye again in the Masters House, that so they might have the less noise in their own; which I was very well satisfied with; for I was so much in love with Robert's Company, that I had hardly the power to part from him. At night, upon our Request, we were laid in the same Chamber, and the same Bed, where we played many a Prank, but with so much precaution, that the Master very seldom found us out. In the mean while it happened that two Yorkshire Boys became Boarders in our Masters House, one of whom was very well stocked with Money, and of a very good Family; they had each of them a Chamber given them just opposite to one another, insomuch that they could converse with ease, there being but a small Gallery between them. Robert and I had already taken notice that one of the two was provided with Money, wherefore we resolved to try our skill upon him: Robert received no Money from his Father, and as for my Father and Mother, they had been sick for a whole Month, and I had since then received no Cash, which was a sorrowful business to me; for that I was used to have it in abundance. Whereupon, we put off our Design till a certain night, when that with a great noise we leaped from off our Beds, and placed ourselves at one of their Chamber doors, which wakening him, he was in the highest consternation; he called to his Companion, asking him if he heard all this? The other said, that he heard it well enough, but that he durst not answer. In short, after they had both for a while lain in a sad pickle, they bethought themselves, that they might be the less afraid, that the one should open his Door, and the other should run in; but in going out of his Chamber, with his clothes under his Arms, I gave him a Box on the Ear, which made him let fall his clothes, and fall a bawling like mad. However, he got into the others Chamber, and shut it so well that no body could get it open again; we immediately took up his Breeches from off the Floor, and went into his Room, and having searched all over, we found the Key of his Trunk, out of which we took about four pounds in Silver and Gold: then we withdrew into our own Chamber with this Booty, full of joy, and very well satisfied with our dexterity, not dreaming of the Misfortune which followed it so closely.  
On the morrow this Drole went to complain to the Master, That the last night he had been beaten by a Ghost, that had taken from him all his Money; giving him the Relation of all that had passed in that Adventure. The Master comforted him as well as was possible for him, and made no mention of the Robbery that day; insomuch that we did not dream in the least that our Exploit would come to be discovered: We went to bed that Evening with all imaginable satisfaction; but we were extremely amazed about four of the Clock in the Morning, to see the Master come in with the Door-keeper of our Chamber, for he had a Key would open all the Locks: I waked in a surprise, and seeing this dreadful Spectacle, presently suspected what would be the Issue; the Master took away the Keys of our Trunks immediately, but then he lost his pains; after that, he preached all over, and at length found out our Booty, which we had so well concealed, that it was impossible in my opinion to have been found out: Thus having preached all over for some time, he commanded us to rise, and we were forced to obey his Orders, though we did it not without great regret. He caused the Bed immediately to be taken off, with the Straw and all that was therein, and thrown upon the Floor, he felt up and down, and at length perceived something hard amongst the Feathers of the Bed; then he took a Knife and made a little hole, which was to us a terrible mortification; and feign would we have saved ourselves by flight, but all our efforts were to no purpose; the door being so well shut that no body could get out. Thus was our Theft found in the Bed in a little Purse; he counted it, and found the Sum to be about as much as he had been informed, for we had spent but very little of it. This made us tremble for fear of a punishment proportionable to our merits; while that by the Masters Order, the Door-keeper took me and cast me upon the floor, setting himself upon my Neck, insomuch that it was impossible for me to budge, and at the same time the Master came and let down my Breeches, and at that time alone gave me more Lashes than I had had in all my life; there was not a fingers breadth whole in all my skin, for he whipped me until his Arms were weary: This being done, he set himself down in a Chair with Arms, to rest himself, while that Robert was upon his knees, and seemed to beg a less rigorous Justice; but he had the same fate that I had, and was whipped with so much rigour, that I myself had compassion; and the Executioners hand would have been more favourable to him than was that of his Father.  
Thus having done Justice, the Master went away, and left us in a wretched condition, for us to take our Repose as much as our shattered Buttocks would allow; but I can assure you, that we were not overmuch drowned in sleep that Morning, the pains of our Buttocks keeping us very wakeful.  
About Noon our Maid came to tell us, That My Father was upon the point of Death, and if that I meant to see him alive, for the last time, I must go thither in all hast. Whereupon, with all my strength I ran thither accordingly, without asking the Masters Leave, but it was too late, for my Father was already departed, and my Mother was in so poor a condition, that there was no hopes she could escape Death; as indeed she accompanied my Father two days afterwards into the other world. My Youth, and my Libertine humour did not allow me to  shed tears upon the double Loss I had newly had, and I felt it in time more than I did then; for to tell you the truth, I did in some manner rejoice at it, forasmuch as that it would have been impossible for me to have escaped the punishment of the Theft I had committed, if my Father had remained alive.  
My uncle, who had been my Godfather, and was become Guardian, went to make this known to my Master, that he might not be in pain for my absence; but I quickly perceived the Master had  told him scurvy News: for at his Return, he gave me sour Looks, though at that time he made no mention of it.  
But after the last Duties were paid to my Father and Mother, he took me aside, and said thus to me, You know William, the Fault you committed in the School not long since, and you may very well imagine your Return will not be over-welcom to the Master; and besides, your Portion will not be sufficient to continue your Studies, as your Father and Mother did propose to themselves; wherefore you must seek out something that is capable of maintaining you; and therefore consult your heart, and I shall not hinder you from what you think merits your inclination, and if you will leave to me the Choice thereof, I will promise you to seek out some Calling as much to your advantage, as if you were my own Son.  
I was very much perplexed at the Reproach my uncle made me, and as all was indifferent to me, I made him Answer, That I would do all he pleased, and that I would willingly leave to him the care of what my Parents left me. He commended my Obedience, and as I referred myself to his Choice, he advised me to be an Apothecary, alleging this Reason; That those People knew how to get money, and that they were in great consideration every where. He added the common Proverb, That an able Apothecary can make a Crown of a Penny. In short, I was put an Apprentice to an Apothecary for three years: But what mad Freaks did not I see in that time? My Master dwelled in Fleetstreet, and had the repute of an able little Apothecary; for he was a very little man, having a Welsh woman for his Wife, who used him but scurvily, sometimes giving him Boxes upon the Ear when she thought he deserved them; I believe too she might have set him to have hatched Eggs, such a power she had got over him.  
Now as she was so furious as sometimes to beat her Husband, so she had the Courage to treat me after the same rate; which lay heavy at my heart; for I began to become a lusty young Fellow: But what remedy? when the Master is not Master, the man must be silent. I had served this Apothecary about a year, having played him several Pranks, when there happened to us a pleasant Adventure, which however ended to our shane: My Master was called to give a Clyster to a Painter, who dwelled in our Neighbourhood, and who by an Accident was become melancholy; we went thither accordingly in all hast, and found the Painter bound in his Bed, as being distracted, and cursing like a man possessed with a Devil: we made ready all our implements, & turned the mans Bum uppermost; this being done, my Master put on his Spectacles, and put in the Instrument for the giving him the Clyster, while I was preparing a little Cotton to stop the hole when the Clyster was taken; but there was no need of that, for as soon as he felt the heat of the Medicaments, he fell a roaring as if he had been to have lost his Life; I prepared the stuff to stop the hole, but at the same moment my Master withdrew the Instrument, the other let fly with so much impetuosity, that all my Masters Face was overflowed with it, insomuch that he could not see at all. I had in some manner my share, though it was very small; but seeing the poor little Drole in so pleasant a posture, I burst out a laughing, which put him in that rage, that he threw the Instrument at my head, which caused another Misfortune; for as I avoided the Blow, the Instrument hit against the Looking-Glass, and broken it to pieces: This bread strange Quarrels; the Painters Wife pretending to be paid for the Glass, and my Master being like a Monk of the Order of Saint Francis, who never carry Money about them, insomuch that it was impossible for him to make the Woman acquiesce, she swearing she would make him pay for the Glass, or that she would arrest him. At length he surmounted her obstinacy by submissions and humble words, insomuch that we were allowed to go away; but I did very much doubt this Storm would fall again upon my head; for as soon as we were returned home, and his Spouse had heard the Story of the unhappy Clyster, and the Glass broken, and that I was the cause of the last Accident, she accosted me with an infernal fury, and I had more blows than I could support: This made me detest the Pestle and Mortar, and promise myself to reward the Hag for all her Civilities she had done me, and afterwards to run away.  
But before I could find an occasion to do this, they came to ask a Clyster for a German Count; when I saw it preparing, fain would I have got out of the House at the very moment; but it was to no purpose for me to seek out Reasons to avoid it, I was forced to submit: thus I accompanied my little Master to this Counts Lodgings, where being come, his Man  told us his Master was still in Bed. But the Count calling out, asked his man tho it was; who made Answer that it was the Apothecary with the Clyster, desiring to know if his Lordship was pleased to take it? The poor Drole not knowing what a Clyster was, and imagining that it was some Remedy for the headache, sent for us to his Bed side, and  told him that he would take his rest for an hour longer, commanding him in the mean while to lay the Clyster upon the Table, and that he would make use thereof as soon as he awaked again, and that he would discharge him from the trouble of waiting so long. My Master imagining that he intended to have his man apply the Clyster,( there being such People as are ashamed to show their Buttocks to all manner of people) he left the Clyster with all the preparations, and we return'd home. The Count waking while after, got out of Bed, and finding the Clyster was humid, and half warm, took a Napkin, and pouring it upon that, he covered his Head with it, and so went again to Bed. This liquour had so all bedaubed his Eyes and Face, that one could not have known him. Two or three hours afterwards, we returned to the Count's Lodging to see if the Clyster had had its operation; when we found him in Bed with a Napkin about his Head, and his Face so disfigured with the colour of that nasty stuff, that my Master was in a maze, and asked what it was he had upon his Head? 'tis the Clyster, answered the Drole; at which we fell so a laughing, that the poor man not conceiving the reason, asked it of us? How! My Lord, said my Master, ready to split with laughing, you must not take Clysters so as you do: How then, reparti'd the other? By the Back-parts, said my Master, showing him the Instrument he had laid upon the Table, and at the same time, the way of applying a Clyster. This Doctor's mad, reparti'd the Drole; I  told him plainly that I had the headache, and he orders me a Remedy to be taken by my Back-side: This made us laugh more than ever, which put the Spark into such a Fume, that he had like to have driven us out of his Chamber; but my Master appeased him, showing him the reason why that course was to be taken: whereupon the Spark made hast to take off the Napkin from his Head, and caused another Clyster immediately to be prepared; which my Master made him take the back way.  
The remembrance of this Adventure made me laugh many a time for a long while after it happened; and if these sorts of Adventures had been more frequent, the Service would not have been so tedious to me; but at present every hour seems to me a day, forasmuch as to comply with a Devil of a Woman, I was forced, besides the Service I did in the Shop, to do almost all that was necessary in the House, how dirty soever it was; for she was so covetous, that she would not keep a Maid. It happened that while I was boiling up a certain medicine, she commanded me to go fetch some Billets out of the Garret; this touched me to the quick, but I was forced to obey, and therefore went, but withal murmuring. Having got up some stairs, I heard her follow me in her stockings, to listen to what I muttered; I made use of that occasion, and propounded to myself to reward her for the pains that she took. Thus having filled the Basket with Billets, I pretended as I was coming down, to have stumbled down two or three stairs, and so overturning the Basket, I let the Billets fall upon her head, which tumbled her down the stairs, and struck her head as she fell against a Mortar which stood on one side, whereby she was dangerously wounded. In the mean while I stirred by degrees, and made a noise, and cried as if my head had been broken; but I was very much amazed, when coming below, I saw the Woman all covered with blood; my Master ran to her, and wiped off the blood with his Handkerchief, with an intention to rattle me to some purpose for this Accident; but I was too wise to wait the fury of his Wife, and I made my escape in all hast to my uncles House, to whom I gave an Account of all that had happened; but I did not tell him that it was out of maliciousness that I had done it: The poor man believing that this happened only by a Mischance, would needs have conducted me back to have made my peace with my Master; but I was deaf to that Discourse, and detested all Apothecaries. He asked me then to what I was resolved to apply myself? I  told him, That I would accommodate myself to his Sentiments, except in that. He made use of many Reasons to persuade me to the contrary; but all his persuasions were to no purpose; insomuch that he resolved at length to put me to a Chirurgeon, because I had already made so much progress in the Principles of medicine: This I was inclinable enough to, for that I was in hopes of getting more Money that way than I had done at the Apothecaries.  
Whereupon he inquired after a Chirurgeon who stood in need of a S●rvant, and found one immediately; and I entred into my new Service very well satisfied that I was so freed from a cross-grained Woman; but neither did I find myself here wholly to my desire( though my Master was a very good natured man) forasmuch as I was the only Servant he had, and had a great deal to do, for that my Master was seldom at home, having a Mistress to whom he bore a great deal more Love than to his own Wife, though she was none of the ugliest; but people are quickly disgusted with the best Meats, when they eat thereof too often; which was the Case of this man. I had been about a year possessed of this Calling, and was in my Masters esteem, notwithstanding that I began to rove about the Streets; for I had good Acquaintance with other surgeons men, and having a great deal of Money given me by our Patients, besides what my uncle did also furnish me with, I could have spent at as high a rate as the richest. It seems that Debaucheries and the Calling of a Chirurgeon are things very compatible; for we imagine that we shall never be in a way to become good Master-Chirurgeons unless we be extraordinary Debauchees these my wanderings made me quickly acquai nted with most of the Bawdy-houses in London, and I was as familiar there, as if I had been the Son of the Family, and my Companions were the same. Never did any fresh Wench come up to London, but one Bawd or other came immediately to give us notice, insomuch that for the most part we had the first fruits.  
During the time of my leading this pleasant life, there happened to me a very strange Accident; for my Master having made an Intrigue with a Woollen Drapers Wife, which I had discovered some time before, though I did not seem to take notice of it; in the mean while it happened that that honest cuckolded was obliged to go into the country upon some Business he had there, my Master having notice of it immediately, and not being willing to let slip so fair an occasion to enjoy the Delights which he was in hopes of from his Mistress, he was contriving all the Means imaginable to bring this Affair to pass, for his Wife was too jealous, and would quickly have smelled out the business, if he had absented himself for a whole night from his house and home. Thus one Afternoon he commanded me to accompany him to go dress a Patient; in the way he began to speak to me of such things as put me in a maze; he  told me he had a thing to request of me, which I must not refuse him, and that I must take an Oath to comply with, and obey his Desires and Order. I made him Answer, That I was ready to do all for him, provided no ill might come thereof, and that I would most willingly confirm to him my fidelity by the greatest Oaths imaginable.  
Whereupon he spake thus to me; Dear Will. You know how much Affection I have always bore you, and what freedom I have always allowed you; wherefore, methinks, you ought to aclowledge my kindness by some good piece of Service which I demand of you. Know then, that I am obliged to go lye this Evening in a certain place, and that my Wife may not take notice of it, you shall lye by her side in my place; to the doing of which, I will furnish you with an opportunity, but upon condition of observing punctually these three Articles; First of all, You shall not speak to her one word: As for the Second, you shall not touch her in any manner: And Thirdly, You shall rise before day, that I may get in as soon as you open the Shop. I was so amazed at this Proportion, that I had hardly the power to give him an Answer; but seeing at length that he was absolutely resolved on it, and that he demanded it as it were by force, I granted him his Request,, swearing to him to perform all that he commanded me.  
Hereupon we returned together to our House; when, as soon as my Master came in, he began to quarrel with his Wife, and to chide her more than I had ever heard him do before; which he did, that he might have a pretence not to speak to her the Night following, and quash all her desires of hugging him.  
After this, he commanded me in a surly manner to rise betimes on the morrow Morning; adding, that he would rise early himself, upon some extraordinary Affairs he had: Then he continued to grumble and to play the Mad-man all the Afternoon, and as soon as his Wife would have spoken a word, he bid her hold her peace and get her gone to bed. In short, he made use of all such things as he judged necessary for the executing his Design. The poor Woman went away to bed all bathed in tears, and the Maid was constrained to do the like. In the mean while he called for me to undress him, for form sake; and pulling off his Coat, he hit one Sleeve of it against the Candle, which went out, and fell upon the floor with the Candlestick: I asked him if I should go light it? But he took me up crabbedly; that I easily perceived he had done it on purpose.  
Being thus in the dark, he stolen away softly, and left me trembling by the Bedside; however, I took courage, and after I had undressed myself, I went to Bed, lying as far off from the Woman as was possible; but I fell again to trembling every moment, for fear she should discover the Trick. In the mean while, the Woman crept nigh me by little and little, and every time she stirred, I was like to die for fear. But do but think of the extremity I was in when she began to handle my Arms; Ile assure you I was possessed with a mortal terror; I took her hand away, but she imagining this was only some remnants of her Husbands Anger, fell again to handling and taking it by the Head: Said she, How, my little Rogue, is it not better to live in good intelligence and repose, than to quarrel and be always in an anger against one another?  
When I perceived she found no alteration in that part, I took heart of Oak, and did the Feat without saying a word, notwithstanding all the Caresses this woman made me.  
This first Course was performed with so much satisfaction on my side, that I renewed it four or five times, until that she was desirous to take her rest, as she did accordingly. I got up early on the morrow Morning, and after having dressed myself, I opened the Door, and saw my Master coming just in the neck; he asking me immediately if all were well, and if I had kept my word? I answered him, that I had; swearing once more, that I had not spoken a word to his Wife; for the poor cuckolded was very far from believing that I had fitted him with a pair of Brow-Anclets in so great a Silence.  
My Mistress being got up, went immediately to embrace her Husband, and cox'd him the best she was able; the Husband too shewed himself more tractable after having spent the Night so pleasantly; insomuch that all things were very well reconciled. About Noon the Mistress went to the Market, and bought the best she could find; for she had a mind to treat her Husband for so many Caresses she had received from him the Night past. My Master and I were in the Shop when his wife return'd home laden with a great many Delicacies; which my Master not being at all satisfied with, asked her after a surly manner, Why she was at so much Costs? and if she had invited any Friends to Dinner? No, my Dear, said the Woman to him, I do it for the love of you, and to repair your strength, which is undoubtedly very much lessened by the last Nights work, and wholly to confirm the Peace we have made this Night. Do you believe then, reparti'd my Master, that I kissed you to night; But my dear Puggie, replied the Woman, to what purpose is all this dissimulation? you know very well you did it to Night five or six Bouts, though indeed without speaking a word; wherefore prithee Chuckie, let me desire thee to lay aside thy Anger, and let us make merry and cheer ourselves together: If we are at peace, all will go well, and there will be nothing but Love and Peace in the House. My good cuckolded was wholly in a Maze, and did easily guess at the truth of the Matter; but what remedy? he himself was the cause thereof: Nevertheless he failed not to show by his looks that he was sorry, and that he would reward me to some purpose; but I was too cunning, for I had no mind to stay there any longer. Thus I waited my time, till my Master was gone out to dress a Patient, and his Wife to the Market; I put all my clothes in my Trunk, and having taken my Cloak, I carried them to an Inn, to stay there waiting a good opportunity for me.  
I did not think sit to appear before my uncle, after having left my Master for the second time; and I knew very well the Money I had left would not be of any long continuance; wherefore I began to contrive some means to get Money; for which purpose, I played the Prank I am going to tell you.  
It was just about the time that the Kings of England and France had declared War against the States General of the United Provinces, whereupon several new Regiments were to be raised; I laid hold on that Occasion, and wrote to my uncle; adding thereto some sorry Reasons why I had left my Master; and I beseeched him, that forasmuch as that I had not any inclination to the study and practise of physic, he would be pleased to oblige me but once more, promising him that I would never trouble him more as long as I lived; namely, to give me fifty pounds of the Portion my Father had left me, becuse I was his only and infallible Heir, and that I hoped therewith to make my Fortune; making him believe that I had an opportunity to buy an Ensign's Place of a certain Colonel I name. I added hereto as many other Reasons as seemed necessary to persuade him; I caused this Letter to be delivered him by one of my Friends, but who was unacquainted with my Pranks.  
My uncle having red the Letter, asked in what Inn I was lodged? saying, he must necessary speak to me himself. The next Morning early my uncle came to the Inn, and having made me many Reprimands for having left my Master, he fell insensibly to discourse about the Ensign's Place. I was very glad when I heard the good old man speak after so complying a manner, and I knew how to answer him with so constant an Air, and so serious a Look, that he began to give Credit to my Words; but I was very much surprised when he  told me that I must first show my Grant before he gave me Money: wherefore I was forced to make use of another Trick to take that out of his Head, for otherwise he would never have given me Money. Thus I made him believ● that I had contracted with the Colon●l upon these Conditions; That I should give him fifteen Pounds ready Money; an● that I should besides raise ten Men for the Company: I added hereto so many plausible Reasons, that the good man was entirely persuaded of the truth of the Matter, and commanded me to accompany him that very-Moment to his House, which I was not over-sorry for. Being come thither, he gave me the fifty pounds, and bought me besides a fine Sword, moreover exhorting me to make use of my Money; but that Care was very superfluous, forasmuch as I knew how to make as good Use of it as any one about London.  
as soon as I had taken my leave of my uncle, I failed not to change my Lodging, for I was very far from thinking on an Ensign's Place. I went immediately to an Inn where my Companions and I had always had our rendezvous; and no sooner was I one day there, than that our whole college knew that I was run away from my Master, though I had discovered to no body the occasion; for though I was so young, I had the precaution not to show my Money to my Companions; well knowing that Opportunity makes the Thief: insomuch that though I had more Money than all the rest, I husbanded it however, and spent no more than the sm●llest amongst them; being well assured, that on that side there was nothing more to hope for in the first two years. We agreed together, that as Bartholomew Fair was coming on, and that all my companions were to have one days leave to divert themselves in Smithfield, and to eat big there; the day being come, we went to Islington; there was one in our company who had very white hands, and who was continually looking upon them when he was alone; and because this Ambition savoured too much of a Woman, I laboured to divert it; but notwithstanding all the pains I took to disuse him from it, he could not rid himself of it. I had, in my opinion, our College being complete, the fairest occasion imaginable to make them burst with laughing. Being come to Islington, I called the Drawer, and taking him aside,  told him, that he must be very careful of that Gentleman in the yellow Ribonds, because he sometimes happened to be deprived of his Sences: The Drawer asked me by what Mark he might be assured of it? You must take notice, said I to him, that when he begins to consider his hands, then you must immediately seize him behind, and hold him fast; which will be no difficult matter for you to do; for the distracted Fit is over in a very short time.  
as soon as we were ready to sit down to eat, I made choice of the Place that was opposite to the Spark so puffed up with Pride, and the Drawer stood behind him during the Repast; which he taking notice of once or twice, he said after a choleric manner, as he was very capricious, What the Devil does this Fellow mean by standing always behind me? why does he not serve the rest as well as me? He answered him, that he was there to serve him as well as the others. But before Dinner was done, he began to view his Hands; which as soon as I perceived, I tipped a wink upon the Drawer, that now was the time; and he having seen it by peeping over his shoulder, took him in his Arms, and held him so fast, that the poor Spark could not stir; adding these words, Alas Sir, your distraction is coming on you, but I will hold you fast, that you shall do no body mischief: The other finding himself attacked, and held so rudely, used his utmost endeavours to get loose, cursing and playing the Madman, but all this was to no purpose, forasmuch as the Drawer was a young, strong, lusty country Fellow, with swinging hands, and the other a mere Stripling, and of a weak complexion: My Companions got up immediately from the Table to help him( for there was none amongst them that I had confided this Prank to) but I gave them a Sign to let them alone, and every one to be quiet, waiting with impatience the issue of their Affairs. In the mean while this Cully cursed and roared like a Mad-man, even to foaming at the mouth; but his Efforts were to no purpose, forasmuch as the other being too robust, though he found it a difficult matter to save himself from his teeth, for he bit like a med Dog. At length the Drawer becoming weary by holding a man in that manner, cried out, Pray you help me Gentlemen, for he is as strong as all the Devils together; and if you will not help me, I must let him fall upon the Floor, and be gone out of the Room, after which, you may do with him what you please. But all these Cries were to no purpose, forasmuch as there was no body who had a mind to concern himself in the Business; wherefore the Drawer was f●rced to keep his word, that is to say, let him fall all of a sudden, and make his escape out of the Room the best he could, by shutting the Door after him.  
The mad Spark being at liberty, got up as nimbly as a Colt, and ran to take a knife from off the Table, which he designed for the Drawers Guts; but we stopped him at the Door, and he was constrained to stay in the Room: He cried like a Child, out of mere madness, for being so hindered from taking his Revenge, and swore by all the Devils that I should pay for it dearly, perceiving that it was I who had been the occasion of this Prank; he knew not however how I had ordered the Business. Said I to one of my Companions, Give the Child a Glass of Wine, for otherwise so extraordinary a Consternation may do him harm. The Company laughed hearty at all these Jokes, for none of them loved him really, by reason that he was a proud Fellow, and positive to the highest degree. After the Disorder was something appeased, and that we had drunk a Health round, the Company desired me to tell them the occasion of all this tumult, which I did; which made them ready to burst with laughing, except that little man, who stood like a Post in the corner of the Room, and full of thoughts of Revenge. I accosted him with a Glass of Wine, but he was too angry to pledge me; however, through the interposition of all our Company, our Peace was concluded; for they remonstrated to him, That this was only done amongst all us who were good friends, and Birds of the same Feather. These, and the other Reasons they added, did quiter appease him, insomuch that before we partend, we shook hands and made peace, upon promise of not discovering the matter to any Body.  
At our going from thence, I gave signs to the Drawer to keep himself for a while out of sight, giving him half a Crown more for the pains he had taken.  
Thus passed our Journey to Islington, with which my Companions were very well satisfied; and the remembrance thereof has made them laugh many a time; and every time that poor little Cully happened in our company( for it was impossible for him to leave that deep rooted Custom) they remonstrated to him his Folly; by which means he was so surprised with shane and Anger, that since that time, that he might not commit the same fault, he was never seen without Gloves, even at Table, where he made use of womens Gloves cut at the fingers ends.  
But while that we were divertising ourselves in this manner in the country, the Servants of the Inn where I was lodgded, diverted themselves no less at the fantastical humour of a Person of Quality who came to lodge there, and who was so ridiculous, that one could not hear him talk without bursting with laughing: He was dressed after so fantastical a manner, that I do not remember ever to have seen the like; he had a Steeple-crown'd Hat with a very broad Brim, and upon his Hatband a black and green Feather, and between those, another like that which the Grand signor is used to wear in his turban; his Hair was a composition of black and grey, his moustaches after the Spanish Mode, with a Beard pointed at the Chin, which was so sharp, that one might easily have run it through a Shilling: He had a Ruff on, whereon was very little Cloth, the rest was of Scollop Lace, after the primitive Mode; his Doublet and his Breeches were of green Taffata's pink'd, upon read satin, which made a great show; he had Silk Stockings on, his black Shoes pink'd all over with little Rows, and tied with a great Row of Ribonds. as soon as I was return'd home to my Lodging, I saw this Nephew of Don Quixot walking up and down the Room with a gate full of Gravity, which amazed me strangely, and I was in a humour to have burst out a laughing, if my Land-lord had not desired me to forbear. But if I admired the Phantasticalness of his clothes, I was no less amazed to hear him speak in this manner; Have you, Sir, a Residence in this Patron's House, or do you only come hither to employ some vacant hours in frequenting some gentle Company? I was so surprised to hear him speak after this manner, that I could hardly make him any Answer, but suspecting his Disease, I reparty'd, Be it known unto your illustrious Lordship, that I am lodged here for some time, forasmuch as I find as much or more conveniency in this Patron's House, than in any other Inn of the Town; neither do I doubt but your Illustrious Lordship, after you have sojourned here, will assert the same; for I find the Company here so pleasant and charming; that I would not change my Lodging for any thing in the world so long as I shall make my abode in this City.  
The Knight errand having heard me speak in this Style, came to embrace me, and kissing me, with joy  told me; That I was the only man he had seen in ten years that suited so well with his humour; for I am accustomend, Sir, pursued he, to blend in the English Tongue, which is not ever civil and obliging, certain Latin and French Words, for to make a good conjunction of these three Languages; and for this reason others blame me, though I am of opinion that nothing can be more lofty than to speak in one Tongue all the Graces of that and two more; which is the reason and sense which makes me embrace your Lordship, seeing evidently that you have the same knowledge, and that you make use thereof. Thus if the Desires of an honest Gentleman can make any impression upon your Soul, I should desire that we might have our Beds in the same Apartment; by that means we shall have the opportunity of discoursing every moment of our Affairs, which will the better agree with our Genius's.  
In this manner did the Gentleman finish his Discourse, and left me in a great Amazement, that there are still People left who blend all Tongues together in this manner: And I am of opinion that his falling into this folly, proceeded from his being too much tainted with Terms of Law from his Infancy. Notwithstanding this, I did not refuse him his Request of lying in the same Chamber with me; for methoughts that I could not have found any Company better than this, Whereupon I first of all replied to his Discourse in the same Barbarous words as were those he made use of, and that very moment commanded the Chamberlain to make ready a Bed for this Lord in my Chamber.  
But I must own that if his Speech and his Words raised an admiration in my Mind, his Sword did no less, which I saw upon the Table, of so prodigious a length and breadth, that it would not only have been capable of slicing off a man's Head, but an Oxes too; the guard was so great, that the hands of a Giant could hardly have covered it. Whereupon, full of astonishment, I asked him where he had got that swinging weapon? He made me answer, That it was the Sword of George Castriot King of Epirus, whom the Turks called scanderbag, by reason of his great Exploits in War; and that it was the same Sword wherewith he had performed so many Wonders. To which he added many of the Circumstances; as, that he was of the Race of scanderbag, and that this Sword fell to him by right of Succession, and that he wore it for the Honour of that Great man, though it was something too heavy. I am of opinion too that he spoken Truth; for it was so heavy that one could hardly lift it from the ground.  
In such like Discourse as this, did we pass the Evening; after which, we went to Bed, after having employed three quarters of an hour in making compliments, upon an Affair of great importance, that is, who should go up stairs first; which I was constrained to do, though the youngest; for Seigneur Antonio( so was the Knight Errant's Name) would have rather lain upon the Floor, than have committed such an Incivility.  
I enjoyed that, and nine or ten Nights more Don Antonio's Company, with all manner of satisfaction; and on the morrow he held me this Discourse; Sir, said he, after a very serious manner, If ever you have been the Slave of Love, you are not ignorant of the power of that little God, and his strokes are inevitable, as at present I am constrained to feel against my will: But I should esteem myself born under a favourable Constellation( though my time past makes me apprehended the contrary) if the Object of my Love did not disdain to look upon me with an eye of compassion. I own that her Beauty merits to be adored by a thousand Lovers; but what I perceive by her Behaviour, she seems to me to be very cruel, even to the surpassing therein all the rest of her Sex; and I also believe that this is the reason why I see but very few Gallants frequent this House, and the same reason makes me fear the disdain of my Love; which if it prove so, I assure you that my feet will never depart out of this House: This heart so tormented, and this Breast so full of amorous flames, well foreseing that it will be my Tomb, though I cannot esteem such a Death unhappy for me; forasmuch as that I shall die for the most beautiful Creature in the world. But I believe that this Preface is long enough to make you penetrate what is the Center which all my thoughts tend to; and if you do not understand the business, you must know that it is the divine and incomparable Joan, the only Daughter of the governor of this Palace, who has inflamed my heart with Love, insomuch that without looks of compassion from her, this amorous Soul will quickly be obliged to depart this tormented Body. I have employed herein my utmost devoirs for some days together, but all my pains were to no purpose; for the force of my amorous Passions obtains the victory over all my inclinations; and having maturely deliberated thereupon, I bethought myself of communicating to you my miserable Torments, forasmuch as I expect only help from your illustrious Acquaintance, at least some consolation in my miseries; for I am now in the greatest Agonies imaginable, and I have made Vows all the night long to Venus and Cupid her Son, for a favourable success in this Affair, on the Event whereof does undoubtedly depend my Life or my Death; for yesterday evening being upon the point of going to Bed, I took the boldness to slip into the bosom of the incomparable Joan a Billet deux, wherein I expressed to her downright my pains. It is in the expectation of the success of this, that I am to resolve whether to live or die.  
Here it was that the Amorous Antonio put a period to his Discourse, with so languishing and sorrowful an Air, as if he had been lead to the Gallows by the Executioner. Nevertheless I could hardly abstain from laughing upon these extravagant words; however I failed not to comfort him the best I was able; promising to help him in all that lay in my power. After that I dressed myself with hast, desiring to see that excellent Letter, while that I made him believe I was to go out very early upon some Business.  
But to show you the wisdom of this Knight errand, it will be convenient, before I pursue my Discourse, to make a description of that admirable Beauty. You must know then that this incomparable Joan was the Daughter of our Landlord; she was about eighteen years old, and a short hoddy-doddy; she was plump enough, and broad enough; for she was a yard and half about: her Breasts, which our poor Lover called the Mounts of Alabaster, seemed like a Cows Udder, by reason of their bigness, and being very close laced, mounted up to her Chin, insomuch that she could not see her Belly, though it was big enough; but not being laced, they hung down to her Paunch; her face did not be lye the rest of her Body; for each Cheek might very well pass for a Gammon of Bacon; her Colour was a Medium between brown and read, here and there checkered with white stroke, which gave no little lustre to her Beauty; for I never saw that I know of Pillars in a chimney, whose colours were better Marbled. As for her Nose, it was not very long, but very large, with a something turned up snout, insomuch that one might easily and distinctly consider the depth and largeness of her Nostrils, which were at all times well furnished with filth & snot; but this snout as it was something turned up, had likewise this effect, which was to show that Joan had a Nose, which otherwise would have been a difficult matter to have seen, if you had looked aside of her, by reason that it was wholly covered by the Bigness of her Cheeks. Her Eyes were of a fine Azure, and her Hair was between a read and a Chestnut colour; her Mouth was none of the greatest nor smallest; and her Teeth very black through the continual stench of her stomach. As for her Chin, it was by reason of her excessive bigness, divided into three parts, whereof the highest was the Chin, and the following one, the under-Chin, and the third was called the last Chin; and her Neck was short and thick, and did not yield to her Breasts, as to the Beauty of Expression. Her Arms, which were always trussed up above her Elbows;( for she served in the House as a mere Maid) were become so read by the continual heat of the fire, that they seemed to be painted, and each of them was as far as the Elbow at least of the bigness of a mans Thigh; to which were set very suitable Hands, with long Nails, wherewith she cleansed the Kettles, not being willing to use Spoons, it too much spoiling the edges; and to make use of Oyster-shells, that was too like the Dregs of the People; wherefore she did that Work by the help of her beautiful Nails. As for her other Members, I know not what to say of 'em, forasmuch as her clothes did not allow me to take them into consideration, though I believe her Buttocks might be compared with the largest and heaviest of a fatted Ox. In short, she was a true remedy of Love, and against whom a man would not have drawn his Sword, unless provoked thereto by an extraordinary hunger. Notwithstanding this, she was of a jocund humour, and did all her Work singing, imagining( as most Women do) that she was none of the ugliest.  
as soon as I was got below stairs, the Landlord came to show me what I had desired long before, viz. the Letter which Don Antonio had put into his Daughters Bosom; for she had given it her Father; forasmuch as that she could not understand any thing of it. He desired me to red it; which I did, and found it containing what follows; 
To the Most Beautiful that Nature e're produced.  
O Adorable Beauty, and Beautiful Adorability! I have usurped the boldness to notify to you by these Presents the intolerable Torment with which my Heart is vexed every day. And as I imagine that in so beautiful a Bosom as yours, is lodged a Soul full of Compassion, I come to prostrate myself at your agreeable feet by this Writing, for to beseech you instantly that it would please your Divine Beauty to look upon your Amorous Servant with an Eye of Compassion; assuring you that his Heart is up in a flamme, and undoubtedly I shall not be long reckoned amongst the living, if you do not ease my Wounds with the comforting Balm of your Mouth, which is full of Ambrosia. Thus it only depends on you, O Victorious and Triumphing Joan, to preserve in Life your miserable and amorous Servant, or to enregister my Name in the Number of the dead. I shall see to morrow by the two considerable Suns which are under your Forehead, and for which I daily offer my most ardent Vows to the Goddess Venus, if these Lines have not put into anger your adorable and charming Beauty, then I shall esteem myself the most happy of all languishing Lovers: In the mean while I remain in the greatest anguish of Heart, with all respect  
Of your incomparable Beauty, the most miserable, and even to Death afflicted Servant, Antonio Castriota.   
Alas! Good God, said the Landlord, making the Sign of the across( for he was a downright Roman catholic) What does this man mean by all this stuff? Nothing, answered I, but that he is in Love with your Daughter. Hereupon the Landlord and I were ready to split our sides with laughing; whereupon came in the Daughter, and after having wiped her Nose upon her sleeve, for her hands were too dirty, forasmuch as she had been busy in cleaning the Piss-pots: she asked her Father the reason of our laughing? Do you still ask that Question? said I to her; You must know you have made the Gentleman above stark mad with Love. I am absolutely persuaded, pursued I, that you have given a philter to this poor man; for otherwise it would have been impossible that he should have fallen into so great a folly. Good Lord! answered Joan, how dare you tell such Lies? I would rather choose the Devil should have me. She spoken these Words with so agreeable an air, that I desired the Landlord to command his daughter to serve Don Antonio with all things, and especially to look upon him with a gracious Eye; which he did accordingly that very moment, forasmuch as we were willing to make a little sport with the amorous Knight. This consent being had, I went up into my Chamber, telling Don Antonio, that Madam Joan had spoken to me of the Letter, which she had kissed above a hundred times in my presence, as being writ with so much wit and sweetness; persuading him that in all probability she was as much in Love with him, as he with her. He got immediately out of Bed as soon as he had heard such pleasing News; he committed so many Follies that day, that for a Fortnight together I had a pain in my side through overmuch laughing. He viewed himself in the Glass above a hundred times, and put his moustaches in a posture that resembled Hector. After this, there passed two or three days without our having any divertisement with him, for he was very assiduous with his dear Joan, and followed her whithersoever she went, teizing her with his bombast Discourse, of which she understood not a word, but wished him a thousand Miles off. Notwithstanding this, she durst not use him ill, forasmuch as her Father had forbidden her the doing so.  
At Night when we went to Bed, he related to me all the Favours he had received from her that day; but I was not satisfied at all, as desiring to see more of his Extravagancies; wherefore I one day  told him, that Mrs. Joan was a great Lover of Poetry, and that he would do well to make a Song upon her Beauty. This seemed to please him; for he made me Answer, that never any News was more agreeable to him, forasmuch as his intention was to make a Song within three days, which all the Poets of the world should stand amazed at. The next Morning he rose early, and after having walked in the Room, and bit his Nails, which is the custom of the Poets, he  told me that he had found out two thoughts which never any English Poet had attained to the knowledge of; whereupon he sate himself down by the Table to begin his excellent Poem, not budging from the place till Hunger constrained him in the Evening, and he had hardly eaten two or three Bits, when he got up from the Table, and taking a Candle in his hand, he returned again to his Chamber as fast as if the Devil had driven him. My Landlord and I were much amazed, not knowing what to impute it to; but we were quickly informed, when he came down again with a merry and cheerful countenance, and placed himself at Table, telling me, that he had conceived in his thoughts one of the finest Notions in the world, and that he had been in such hast to get into his Chamber and couch it upon Paper, that he might not afterwards forget it. I could hardly abstain from laughing, when that two Persons of Quality, followed by two Footmen, came into the Inn; as soon as Antonio saw them, he leaped immediately from behind the Table, took one by the Collar, and would have strangled him, had he not been prevented by the Footmen; My Landlord and I staring upon this fantastical Combat, knew not which side to help, when the Lord who was first attacked by Antonio, was just partend from him by the Footman, came and spoken to us in this manner; That we needed not to concern ourselves in that Scuffle, forasmuch as that Antonio was his Brother, who had lost his Sences by somewhat a strange Adventure; That they had had him in a Doctors hands for some time in Hatton-Garden; but that by the negligence of the People, he had made his Escape from thence three weeks ago; which they having notice of, had done their best to find him out again, until at length a person who had lodged in this Inn, informed them where he was; that they were come thither for that purpose, and to carry him back to his former Prison, that he might do no body any hurt.  
While that we were discoursing with this Lord touching the extravagancy of his Brother, the Footmen got the Mastery of him, and bound his hands and feet, insomuch that it was impossible for him to escape.  
Antonio made his Complaints, wholly distracted, that he had violence done him in a public Inn, and cursed the Footmen, but all in vain; forasmuch as they took him and carried him into a Coach which brought these Lords, and which stood at the Door.  
After this, his Brother asked for his clothes, if there was any; offering to pay all he still owed the Landlord. The Landlord said, that he paid all but his expenses that day; forasmuch as Antonio had paid him very exactly every Evening. After which, he gave him his Trunk and his Sword, which was all he brought with him into the Inn. The Brother gave a Guinney more to the Landlord, and a Crown to his Servants, taking his leave of us with a great deal of Civility, desiring us not to proclaim abroad the Business, for the preventing the shane of his Family, and exposing it to the derision o● all People. In this manner did we lose poor Antonio, certainly to the great benefit of those who took him, for could he have seized on his Sword, the business would not have ended so happily, and one or other would undoubtedly had an Arm or some other Member sliced off, seeing Antonio shewed so much strength and dexterity in that combat, that I could easily perceive that he had learnt to fence in his youth.  
With the Amorous Antonio all my Divertisements departed from thence; insomuch that I returned to my old Haunrs, that is to say, that I was very assiduous in Bawdy-houses and Taverns, playing at Cards or at Tables; for I was much inclined that way, being not altogether unlucky.  
Having one day proposed to myself to go see a Lady of Pleasure, I went to the Lodgings of a very beautiful one, who had not been very long in Town, and who was kept by a Person of Quality: I made acquaintance with her by the means of a Bawd, who was about thirty five or thirty six years old, but she was so hot that I had never seen her fellow. The old Creature had for a long time very earnestly desired me to do her the kindness of a Leap, which I had always refused her; but at length I granted it her upon condition that she would bring me acquainted with some kept Miss( for I began to be nauseated with the common Strumpets in Bawdy houses, who are there to accommodate all manner of people) who was young and sound, and that afterwards I would satisfy her. These Promises made her run all London over to seek out one; and having found her accordingly, she carried me thither immediately. I was very much charmed with this little Creature; wherefore as I was none of the ugliest, we entred with few words into a very deep conversation. Thus was I according to my Promises, obliged to satisfy the old woman, which I did two days after, though with a great deal of noisomeness and disgust; and it cost her likewise a great deal of trouble; for she was well nigh an hour busied in erecting the Standard, which otherwise was always vigorous upon such Game.  
Whereeupon I went to see again this kept Miss, who contrary to all expectation, received me after a very sorrowful manner; although she was before used to come meet me, and hug me at my entrance. I was much amazed at this coldness of hers, forasmuch as I did not remember to have contributed thereto; wherefore I bega● 〈…〉 her the reason of it: But she made me Answer, That heneeforward I might seek my Pleasures elsewhere, as she certainly knew that I daily did; and for that reason she was no longer inclined to grant me the least Favour.  
I was strangely startled at these words, and knew not how to understand the meaning; for I never imagined that the old Bawd would have boasted that she was served too by me, as well as that young Venus; But presently after, I knew the truth of the Matter. I embraced and kissed her, but she refused me also that small Favour, repulsing me very rudely, though this did not make me desist in the least; for I began to bear her a great affection. Seeing then that she could not get rid of me by that means, she rose from her Chair with intention to have gone out of the Chamber; but I withheld her, and took her by the Petticoat, when she struggling to g●t away, and I still holding by it, made a great hole in it; seeing this, she fell into such a Passion, that she flung at my head a flaming Faggot-stick, when by chance there fell a spark into my Breeches, for that I was then sitting with my Legs open; my Shirt which I had then on, was of Cotton Cloth, having lately bought it of a Seaman who was returned from the East-Indies; but now it cost me dear, for by much stirring, my Shirt broken out into a flamme; whereupon I began to leap, and cry out as if People had been assassinating me. Isabella, which was the Name of my fair One, seeing this Misfortune, for she had not expected so great an one, went out of the Room, and so out of the House; and if the Maid, who was taken up in doing Kitchen-Business, had not come with a pail of Water, with which she quenched the Fire, I am sure I could never have made use of that part where the Fire fell first of all; nevertheless I was in so much pain, that I cried out, and made as great a noise as if I had been possessed with a Devil; and if I could have caught Isabella in those first motions of Fury, I do not believe she would ever have boasted of that glorious Action, but she was wiser, and had made her escape betimes.  
Having waited a pretty while for the executing my Revenge, I returned at last full of pain, to my Lodging, and went immediately to Bed, when I considered the miserable estate of my Instrument, which I found as black about the Head, as if it had newly made its escape with Aeneas out of the Flames of Troy. My Thighs & Buttocks for company, had also received their share: But these Torments were not comparable to those that little Devil caused in me; for that was almost insupportable: This made me sigh and groan, and it was the worse in that I durst not tell any one my Misfortune.  
My Landlord seeing that I came not to Supper, came to my Bed-side, and asked me how did? I made him Answer, That I had got a Fall, and by that means a great pain in my Reins; he would have sent for a Chirurgeon, but I was against that, saying I would wait a day or two to see the progress of it. Whereupon, after he had left me, I made a plaster, which I put upon it; but to what purpose? for in two days time I saw my Instrument as black as a Coal, and pissing, I thought I should have died of Pain, so bitterly did the salt Urine bite the raw Flesh: whereupon I resolved to tell my Mischance to one of my Cronies, who had been some years Apprentice to a Chirurgeon, as I also did that very day by means of a Letter I sent to him by a Porter. He was not long before he came to me, and having looked upon my skinless ●nstrument, he comforted me, and desired me to take courage, promising me to ease all my pain in three or four days time. I was overjoyed at this good News; and he asked me the cause of this Accident, whereof I gave him the Account at large, except the Name and Lodgings of that fair One; which he laughed so much at, that the pain pierced my very heart: and certainly there was cause to laugh, for if this had happened to any other, I should have laughed three times as much as my Companion did.  
Thus I was only now possessed with the thoughts of being revenged for my pains and griefs, when a Letter was brought me by a Porter; I opened it immediately, and found it written and subscribed by the Hand of Madam Isabella, with Blood, which touched my heart, though irritated and full of Revenge, forasmuch as by several Signs I had perceived she really loved me. Whereupon, having red the Contents, I found it full of Complaints, and Vows, that she did not in the least think of so unhappy an Accident; assuring me, that she took my Misfortune very much to heart: She also gave me to understand the Cause why she had that day shewed her self so disdainful to me( because that Gammar Dixy, so was the Old Bawd called) had reproached her, That she was not the only Person that had possessed my heart; that I had a 'bout also with her sometimes, though she was already far advanced in years. I raged for spite at reading these words, and was vexed I could not go take my Revenge, by reason of my indisposition, though this delay did not acquit her; for I paid her sufficiently for it afterwards, as you will find by the upshot.  
I had kept my Bed about a Fortnight, when my Companion proclaimed to me my Cure, which I was overjoyed at, though there was still one thing left which afflicted me, which is, that my Instrument, which was very white before, seemed still to be mourning for my Misfortune, there still remaining little brown Spots. as soon as I could go abroad, I went to Isabella's Lodgings, instead of going to Church: She considering my Misfortune received me with Tears in her Eyes, remembering she had been the Cause thereof. My pale Colour which was still painted upon my face, was an assured testimony of the Torments I had endured through her fault; wherefore she asked me a thousand Pardons, which I granted her in appearance; for I was still resolved to take my revenge at one time or other, after having well satisfied my carnal Desires: After having thus embraced and kissed one another a thousand times, Isabella was desirous to see if I could do my Duty as well as before; and to speak the truth, I was willing to show her that my Malady had diminished my vigour but very little; and she could tell me after the business was done, That I had received no hurt by this burning. Then she related unto me, according to my request, all that had passed between Gammer Dixy and her self, and from whence those Quarrels had had their Rise. I related to her in my turn by what occasion I had been obliged to do her that kindness; but that after that one 'bout, I had not so much as once looked upon her. With these and such like Discourses the time passed insensibly away, when that I found myself obliged to leave my Venus, as being upon the point she expected the Lord who kept her, and who was used to come to her Lodging exactly between six and seven a Clock.  
From thence I went to the Bawds House, who had cost me so many tears in so little a time, though without designing to do her any mischief that evening; but only to see if nothing would escape from her touching the Quarrels she had had with Isabella; but I found she concealed all things past as if she had not had a tongue. She did not so much as make any mention of the Affection I bore Isabella; she chuck'd me under the Chin, asking me how I came to be so pale? I made this Answer, that I had had a fever these three weeks, and that it had not yet entirely left me: afterwards I gave her that Evening the greatest Mark of Kindness that I had ever done before; which I did only that she might have no suspicion of my Revenge; but yet she tormented me sufficiently, for imagining that I was fallen in love with her beautiful countenance, she took me about the neck, and would not leave hugging me every moment, even to the abandoning her self to impudent groping, as being in hopes that before my departure I would give her once again my Benediction. I desired her with the most obliging words, to wait a day or two longer, until that my strength was recovered, which I remonstrated to her was very much diminished by my sickness( though it was done by the burning and Caresses of Isabella) and then I promised to satisfy her in all she should desire of me. By these Reasons I was freed for that Evening; and being return'd home, I fell to inventing some Trick to play her. About Night I went again to her House, and was received with extraordinary Caresses. Amongst other Discourses, she  told me that she had so many Blisters upon her Breech, that she could hardly sit down, and that those things put her to so much pain that she was no longer able to endure it; whereupon I took that occasion, forasmuch as that I knew a remedy which made her think on me for a week after. I  told her that I knew a Remedy that would cure her in two or three days; insomuch that she should not be the least incommoded by them; and that for the love of her, I would cause it to be prepared against the morrow. We agreed upon the point, and on the morrow I went out into Lambs-Conduit Fields, to seek out a Nest of Pismires, which I found there, after having used all diligence in seeking; I cut it up with the Grass, and carried it to Gammar Dixy, whom I persuaded that there was nothing better for boils; and presently after that Turf had been a while applied to the Body, all the inflammation would be gone, and she would find a great deal of Ease: She gave Credit to my words, and placed her naked Breech upon the Turf; and after having been so seated about a quarter of an hour, the Pismires growing sensible of the heat of her Buttocks, came out in crowds to besiege her Arse-hole, which made her almost mad by reason of their stingings: In the mean while I split with laughing, and persuaded her that this was very advantageous for her health? and the reason why I laughed, was to see her make such Faces. But the sport became at length altogether insupportable to her, when the Pismires began to mount higher upon her Body; whereupon she snatched from my hand a long Pipe wherewith I smoked Tobacco, and putting it into her mouth, she fell a scratching all over her Body with her hands as if she had been distracted; which raised my Laughter to that excess, that I could no longer look upon the Sport; and seeing that it was the finest occasion to complete my Design, I pushed her into the fire, insomuch that by this means the Pipe broken in her Body, whereupon she fell a crying so furiously, that I thought it time to be trooping; and accordingly I marched off, after having kicked her five or six times; and in this manner I went my ways without making more noise. I have since been informed by some Ladies of Pleasure who were used to go and see her, that sh●… ran for above six days about the Hous●… like one possessed with a Devil, tore her hair off, and could almost have killed her self out of impatience, and the pain that the Pismires caused in her Body; but the piece of Tobacco-pipe, though it had done her some little hurt within, was voided the next day by the usual Seat.  
From thence I went to Isabella's Lodgings to acquaint her with the Revenge I had taken upon the old Bawd, who had been the first occasion of my Mishap; she was so much delighted with it, that I had above a thousand Kisses for my reward. But while that I went to divert myself every where in this manner, my Money; though I had husbanded it to purpose upon all occasions, was very much diminished, insomuch that of the fifty Pounds which I had, I had not above four and twenty left, and out of that was to pay for diet and lodging about fifty shillings, insomuch that I began to be very much afflicted, for that there was no appearance I could get any from any place.  
Being thus oppressed with sorrowful thoughts, I went into one of the most renowned Taverns of the Town to cure my affliction by a glass of Wine: I found there four young Sparks playing at In and In, who seemed very hot at play, for they set three Guynneys a time; I looked upon this Sport for about half an hour, when the Fancy took me to venture also some Money, seeing that none of the four had had a good hand all the while. I had all my Treasure about me, and resolved to win as much more, or lose all, and then list myself in a Regiment; for I saw no other means to subsist honourably. Whereupon I set half a Guynney at first, which I won; but when I was to have cast the Dice, I saw they set more upon the Table at one 'bout, than I had been able to have paid if the Dice had not been favourable to me: Notwithstanding that, I resolved to throw, and was so lucky as to have four good hands together; insomuch that I won about forty pounds. In short, in a very little time my Companions at play lost all their Money, and I saw myself at length Master of near two hundred pounds what in Gold and Silver, which made me resolve to change my Lodging; and forasmuch as that I feared my uncle might one day come to find me there.  
In these thoughts I went and took a Lodging in a private House, in one of the most solitary places of London; telling my Landlord that I had found a good Occasion to Accompany a great Lord who was going into France, in the number of his domestics; which I did for two Reasons: the first was, to preserve myself in the good opinion of my Landlord; for losing that, might have done me some injury, seeing he was well acquainted with our Family: and the other, for to get rid of my first Company, that is to say, surgeons men, whom I had always haunted; for being become so rich, I was too proud to render myself familiar with those sort of People.  
In short, I caused two Suits of clothes to be made me, of which, one was very rich, and the other was something less; and there did not pass a Month but that I had the company of all manner of People, and easily forgot the former Acquaintance.  
It one day happened that six of the most Debauched of us met together, upon which occasion we drank so hard, that we were hardly able to stand upon our legs. After being all drunk, we took two Coaches, and bade the Coachmen drive us to Hempstead-Heath, with intentions to recover our Sences after our Debauch, as to divert ourselves with fuch People as we met on the way. When we met on the Heath, we left our Coaches at the Bowling-Green, and walked on afoot; we had not gone far, when we saw a Lady on Horseback, with a Man following her on another Horse. This Occasion seemed very favourable to me for the executing my Design; when I was drunk, I imagined all Women were Whores, and my Companions were of the same humour and opinion; and as soon as they came at us, I caught hold of her Horses Bridle,, crying, Stay you Whore; and asking her with a cruel Tone, from whence she came, and whither she went, and what she did with that Man with her? She  told me, she was going to London, and that that Man was her Husband, he not being in a Livery, I could judge that she  told me this only to oblige me to let them pass; for though he was dressed gently enoguh, yet his clothes were not to be compared to those of the Woman; wherefore I  told her that such a Lubberly Bumpkin could not have so fine a Wife: But I had a Fancy to know it from his own Mouth; whereupon, turning towards him, I asked him; How, Mr. Bumpkin, is this your Wife? or are you her Husband? and who joined this fine couple together? Upon these words the poor fellow was in a perk of fears, telling me that it was his own wife, and that he had been married to her this three Months. Well! and what do you think of these gross Lies, said I to my Companions, which these People would make us swallow for real Truths? whereupon we were all of opinion to make them do their business in our presence, and that in case of resistance, we should constrain them to it with our naked swords; and one of my Companions took that poor Fellow, and commanded him to make himself ready for the Attack, swearing to him by all that is most sacred, if he opposed it, or did not do his business well, he would run him through. In the mean while, I with my other Companions made the Lady alight, and had put her into a posture to receive the Cavalier at one jump into his Seat: This being done, the Fellow mounted, and we all surrounded them with our naked Swords, I was near her head, where I had placed myself for curiosity sake; and I heard her say to the Fellow, Ah Peter, for the love of God put it aside: but whether that Peter took too much pleasure therein, or that he was afraid of us, he did his business in due manner, answering the Lady, Truly, Madam, I dare not, for they threaten to kill me if I am wanting in any thing in this Affair; so this Lout enjoyed through fear what he would a hundred thousand times have wished to have done by free consent; for she was in my opinion, one of the most beautiful Ladies about the Town. Peter having done his Business, got up, and gave his hand to the Lady, to raise her, who burst out into tears, which seeing, I was touched with pity, and said to my Companions, Let them go now they have satisfied our Commands.  
I think this was the first time that I committed any wicked Action in public, and I repented it presently after; and had it not been for the Wine which possessed my Head, and which had spoiled all my Sences, I should never have been brought to it; but presently after I had a very diverting Adventure; forasmuch as I had nothing to do, and studying went against the grain with me, I commonly padded upon the hoof through the streets all the day long, only avoiding such places as I knew my uncle daily frequented; and as Idleness is the nourishment of Love, it happened shortly after that I became enamoured on a Periwig-makers Wife, whom I had never seen before; she was in my opinion as beautiful as I could have wished her, and I found by those first Glances, my heart wounded in such a manner that I forgot to proceed on in my way; whereupon I entred into the Shop, forasmuch as that I saw no man there, asking the price of a Periwig, which I pretended to buy; but to speak the truth, my eyes were more fixed upon the Lady than the Periwig, though I bought one to obviate the suspicion of coming there only to see her. We quickly agreed upon the price, for I was very liberal after the Example of all Lovers: Thus being agreed touching the Periwig, I amused myself for some time in discoursing with her; but I assure you that as her eyes had triumphed over my Liberty, so her tongue did no less; for she talked with so smooth, so sweet an Eloquence, that I was forced at my going away, to leave my whole heart in pawn. Being returned, to my Lodgings, I was contriving all imaginable means to compass my Design; but I found none capable for my purpose. These Thoughts so possessed me, that I lay all the night without sleeping, when remembering that I had once made use of a Bawd, for an Affair of the same Nature, who had a peculiar Talent at corrupting married Women. This Woman had formerly lived in a pretty good condition; but her Husband had left her for faults she had committed; whereby she was constrained to make use of this wretched Calling. Whereupon, I confided to her the whole Affair, promising her a reward worthy of her trouble, in case she obtained for me that I desired of that Woman: But well knowing that Faith has no power without good works, I put a Guinney into her hand, which made her so nimble that she would have gone even to Hell for my sake: And to speak the truth, this was a very extraordinary Liberality in my person; for I very seldom disbursed Money, without first having had the value of it. But then I was more uppish than I had ever been. In short, I was so much in love with this woman, as to want repose day and night; even the company of fair Isabella was become disagreeable to me, and as beautiful as she seemed before to my Eyes, she afterwards seemed as ugly, so possessed were my thoughts with the Periwig-Maker's Wife.  
Three days were hardly over, when my Bawd brought me notice, that she was born at Amsterdam, and that her Husband was an Italian by Nation, to whom she had been married about two Months before, having been constrained thereunto by her Father and Mother, and that she did not much love him; that she was very proud and haughty, and might easily be won by Gifts and Presents: This seemed to me a very good beginning, and I wrote to her a Letter that very same day, which I filled with so many Testimonies of a most ardent and sincere affection that my Wit was capable of inventing. I sent it her by Margaret, so was my Bawd's Name, and though she sent me no Answer in writing, as I had desired her to do in my Letter, I was nevertheless very well satisfied in that it had not been rejected.  
Two days after I sent her another Letter with a point Cornet that cost me ten guineas; then it was I first saw the power that Gifts and Presents have over the hearts of Women; for she returned me thanks very obligingly by Margaret, telling me, That I should find her the day following at Margarets House at such an hour, though she was sorry she could not satisfy me in what I sought for. I thought a long time upon these words, and the more I repeated them in my Memory, the less I understood them; but Time, said I in myself, will discover the meaning.  
I gave Money to Margaret, to buy Delicacies to treat her; and as I could not sleep before, being so deeply afflicted for the doubtful estate of my Love, I could much less rest now, through the remembrance and consideration of the Joy and Blessing I was upon the point of possessing. as soon as it was day, I got up out of Bed, and put the Periwig I had bought of her upon my head, with a Hat adorned with a fine Plume of Feathers; I put on a fine silver-fring'd Scarf, and a silver-hilted Sword by my side; insomuch that in this Equipage I was as Sparkish as any of the bravest Officers of the Guard. I was so delighted with my own posture in that rich Habit, that I prophesied to myself a good issue in my Affairs; the set time being come, I went to the Bawds House, where I found her my heart had so long desired to see. Her Face, on the sides whereof the curls of her own hair flaunted, was so beautiful, that I imagined myself to see an Angel, and not a Woman. I accosted her that very moment, saluting her, and making her my Excuses for that I came not sooner; she on her part alleged so many sorry Reasons to defend her Honour, namely, for the cause she came thither, with other Trifles; which I quickly put an end to by another Discourse, which I began.  
During the Meal we made, we were very well pleased, and had several Discourses. Amongst other things, I beseeched her that she would be plain to me in those Words she sent me the day before, namely, that she was sorry that she could not satisfy me as to the thing I desired; forasmuch as that by all my Reason and all my Wit, I had not been able to divine what she meant thereby.  
Sir, said she laughing, it is not necessary for me to give you any information upon that Point, since that time will acquaint you with it to your great Discomfort.  
Not to seem importunate, I would not make any Instances at that time; but it was but too true that Time unridled the Mystery; for cajoling her after we had eaten our Collation in a little Chamber, and casting her upon the Bed, she leaped up the same moment again, telling me, That she could take no pleasure therein without being undressed; desiring me at the same time I would undress her; I did so in all hast, forasmuch as in that manner I took more pleasure therein myself; but I was much amazed, when being undressed, even to her Smock, she commanded me to take it off as well as the rest; and I was much more amazed, seeing she was lock, d up after the mode of Italy, with a certain lock which is called The Defender of Chastity. Thus was I like a Tantalus; I had the finest woman in the world in my arms; but the Use of her was forbidden me by this Lock; which made me curse all Italians, and especially the inventor of that infernal Instrument.  
You see now, said the fair One, the interpretation of my Words, and it is the Assurance on which my Husband allows me to go abroad, forasmuch as he himself carries the Key in his bosom. I wish it might burn him and itself to boot, replied I; but it was in vain for me to trouble my head to open this Lock, it was impossible to do it without notice being taken thereof; which rendered me stark mad, seeing myself Master of the greatest Beauty about Town, whose eyes and hands I could only enjoy; but Love, which never abandons his faithful Servants, inspired me with the means to have a Key for this Lock, which was brought about in the following manner;  
After having seen the affection that this fair Creature bore me, I promised to sand her something which should make her Husband sleep for twelve hours so profoundly, that the Noise of a Cannon should not be capable of awaking him; and that she needed only to put this into his Broth when he was upon the point of going to Bed, which might easily be done, forasmuch as this Ingredient was not past the bigness of a Pease, and that then she might take with all safety the figure of the Key, which she was to sand me by Margaret; and that after that I should take care for the rest: With these promises we partend, and that same day I bought as much Opium as was necessary to make a man sleep so many hours so profoundly as if he had no longer any life, and I sent her this Remedy by Margaret the next Morning.  
After three days or thereabouts Margaret came and brought me the Figure of the Key imprinted in Wax, which I received with ineffable joy: I went immediately to a Locksmith, commanding him to make me such a Key; which he did with so much dispatch, that I had it in my pocket before it was night; which I gave my Fair One notice of, beseeching her that I might meet her that Afternoon. We embraced one another with as much joy as we had been before afflicted at the misfortune of not being able to enjoy our desires. The first thing I did was to led my Dear into a little Room, and to try the new Key, which I found fitted the Lock so well that I opened it without any trouble. By opening of this Lock, I had at the same time entrance into the Garden of Venus, wherein I wrought with as much eagerness as could be expected from such a passionate Lover as I. All my pleasures before seemed to me but shadows in comparison of those I enjoyed in that moment; for I found myself Master of the most beautiful person that my eyes in my opinion had ever seen.  
After having made a cessation to our amorous Combats, my Mistress related to me how she had deceived her Husband. After that Margaret, said she, had brought me the Opium, it just happened that my Husband complained of a gripping in his Belly, and went immediately to Bed; I took this opportunity to call for some burnt Wine, I put the Opium in it, which by the heat of the Wine was immediately liquified. He had it no sooner in his body than that he began to snore so loud that I easily understood that he must needs be in a d●ep sleep; notwithstanding this, for my bett●r security in the business, I took him by the Nose, and pinched his Cheeks, and also took a Pin, & pricked him in divers parts of his Body; but it was in vain; for he was as deeply asleep as if he had been upon the point of sleeping eternally: Whereupon I opened his waistcoat, and found the little Key in a small Purse, which was in the Lining of it; I imprinted immediately the Figure thereof in Wax, putting the Key again into the Purse, I buttoned his waistcoat, insomuch that it was not possible for him to perceive that any body had seen it. He slept for about fourteen hours, and waked but about three of the Clock in the Afternoon, which he was very much amazed at, saying, that he had never slept so long together at a time in his Life, grumbling against me extremely for that I had not awaked him; I made him Answer, that I did not, for that I thought his sleeping so, might be necessary for the easing his Pain. He was very well satisfied with this Answer, and imagined that the Lock would keep me from all manner of Amorous Excuses.  
After that, I began again to cajole her, and we laughed hearty at the Prank we played the poor cuckolded.  
Thus had we our Divertisement for above two Months in Margarets House, without Isabella's, who flattered her self that she was the only person who possessed my heart; neither had she the least knowledge of this Conversation, forasmuch as I did not forbear making my Court to her, and caressing her in her time, though it was partly against my will; for my thoughts were so fixed upon the pleasures I had enjoyed in the company of that woman, that I had no perfect satisfaction any where but in her presence. The reason that made me continue my Visits to Isabella, was only to take revenge for that she had so disfigured my Instrument: I daily found then an occasion to execute my Design, but my heart was not contented with a small revenge; wherefore I choose rather to wait some time, until that I had found a more favourable occasion: In the mean while Isabella had five or six Freckles in her Face, which afflicted her as much as if all her happiness was thereby endangered; she made to me her complaints, telling me, that she would give five guineas to the poor, could she be but freed from them. You will be perhaps amazed that a Whore offers Money to the poor; but I assure you that they do it sometimes; and I believe they only do it to oblige their Successors to the same Liberality, that being stripped of all their Fortunes, and become poor, they may have wherewith to live on.  
as soon as I heard this pleasing News, I saw an opportunity to pay her for the Misfortune she had caused to me; whereupon, I made her Answer, that she needed not to grieve her self for so small a matter, forasmuch as that I knew how to take them away in two days time by the means of a certain Water: She hugged me thereupon, conjuring me to bring it her; which I granted her after she had begged of me for a great while, because I had made her believe it was one of the finest Secrets, and that perhaps there were not two Doctors in the Town that knew it: I made her likewise first pass her word that she would give no body a drop of it: then I went and bought the best Aqua fortis that I could find, mingling with it the Water of Roses and lilies, that the vehement Odour of the Aqua fortis might be somewhat temperated. Having mingled it very well, I carried it her, showing her how she was to make use of it, that is, she was to rub those places with a little Sponge dipped in the Water, and that if she had a mind to be absolutely freed from them, she was to put a piece of linen steeped in that water over all her face except her eyes, by reason that it had a corrosive Virtue.  
It was towards Sun-set when I gave her all these instructions, insomuch that Presently after I took my leave of her with promises of returning thither on the morrow to see if the Freckles were diminished. About Break of Day I went to Isabella's House, and found her in her Bed with a Cloth upon her Face, wherein there were holes made as in a mask; and forasmuch as she was still asleep, I took the linen from off her Face, which by the strength of the Aqua fortis, was become as yellow as if it had been painted with that colour; the places where the Freckles had been, were easy to be discerned, forasmuch as that they were become absolutely brown; for in all likelihood she had exactly followed my counsel, by reason that I could see that this had been occasioned by the strength of the Water. I awaked her, after having seen that my design had so well succeeded with me, and commanded the Maid to reach me the Looking-Glass, and said to Isabella, while she was viewing her self in it, What do you think, Madam Isabella, does not this as much become you as when you made my Instrument so black? we have nothing more now to reproach one another with; for in all appearance that Colour will stick by you still for some time. She seeing the miserable condition of her disfigured Face, began to tear her hair; but the injurious Names she called me, were innumerable: whereupon I began to bethink myself of being gone from thence, as I did immediately; for I had not yet forgotten her Rage, and the Misfortune she did me by Fire.  
Thus though I could easily imagine that this Action I have now related had banished out of Isabella's heart all Affection towards me, I was not much afflicted, forasmuch as that of my other beautiful Mistress, I mean the Periwig-makers Wife, did comfort me for that loss; with whom I lived three Months longer in a most perfect Amity, and full of Pleasures. In all that time I did not think that my Money did daily diminish, for my eyes were so blinded by Love, that I had no other thought than of pleasing my Mistress, which could not be done without a great deal of Charges; for I was obliged from time to time to make her one or other Present, which she asked of me; for if I had refused her any thing, she would not have continued in the good Sentiments I had furnished her with, by persuading her that I was a Gentleman, and that I lived upon my Estate. Margaret was of the same opinion, for she knew me not before, for that she had always seen me well stocked with Money; and my liberality towards her for her Services, had imprinted in her that good opinion of me: Thus by these Presents I made my Mistress, and what I gave Margaret, joined to the expense of Feasts and Collations which I had given, all my Money began to draw towards a declension, and I had not above half a quarter left of that I won; so that I was in a deep affliction; for I could well prognosticate that with my Money I should at the same time lose the Love of my Mistress; forasmuch that I was not ignorant that my Mistress had some knowledge of my necessity, and for that reason had not asked any thing of a long while of me, I must of necessity have Money to go with her into one House or other; for we could not do the Feat in the open street; which made me take somewhat a strange resolution; for the dread of Poverty does make many attempt rash and mad things, though I said not a word to any Body.  
I went and bought in Long-Lane a Coat and Breeches of a common soldier, with an old Belt; and dressed myself very early in the Morning, putting on old Stockings and an old Hat, and put a plaster upon my left Eye so big as covered half my Cheek, insomuch that I thought myself sufficiently disguised in that posture; whereupon I went out of the House before any of the domestics were up, that I might not occasion any suspicion by this fantastical Apparel. I was not at all in pain for my return, for I had put on my other clothes under these; insomuch that there needed no more to appear honourably than a new Hat. In that Equipage I went towards Brenford, with a pair of good Pistols in my pocket, with intention to have Money that very day, or to be the Ornament of a Gallows: But Fortune in all appearnce seemed to favour my Design; for before I was got as far as Fulham, I saw a man on Horseback, who had the mien of an Alderman; for that he rid with Spatter-dashes; I immediately made ready my Pistols, and taking his Horse by the Bridle, and setting a Pistol to his Breast, I demanded his Money. He had a man along with him, but on foot, and coming on me as my Back was turned, he thought to have run me through the Body behind; but I perceiving him, sir'd a Pistol at him, which however had not the effect I desired; for it only touched his right Arm, and I thought to have deprived him both of Speech and Life; he however let fall his Sword, and ran away in all hast, bawling out Thieves. Seeing then that I had rid myself of the man by this means, I took my other Pistol into my hand, making an oath to kill him if he gave me not immediately all the Gold and Silver he had about him. These Menaces obliged the old Gentleman to give me his Purse; after which, I commanded him to get off his Horse, constraining him to swear that he would not discover the business to any body, and I found him more loth to do that, than to give me his Money; but seeing that I still kept the Pistol upon his Breast, he obeied me; but if after that, he kept his word, or violated it, I know not: I know very well that I had never any intention for that Crime.  
Thus mounted I the Horse, and taking leave of the old Gentleman, I said to him, Sir, I beseech you to excuse this rash action, for Poverty and Despair have been the cause of it, and that for the rest, I wished him so much happiness, that he might quickly find this loss recompensed. He made me no Answer; but away went I, and wheeling a little about, I went full speed to London, and coming into an Inn in Holborn, a Gentleman liking my Horse, asked me if he was to be sold? Having  told him Yes; he asked me for how much? I  told him for five and twenty guineas; and he offered me twenty immediately; which I took, though the Horse was worth thirty; for I durst not keep him long for fear of being discovered. After having drunk a Glass there with my Chapman, I went into a Tavern, and opened my Purse, & found therein above fifty pounds in Gold; I bought me immediately another Hat, and having taken off my Souldiers clothes, and my plaster from off my Face, I went in my usual clothes to my Lodging, though not without some fear, though I have since often met the Gentleman that I robbed, but he suspected not in the least that I was the man, insomuch that I began to pursue my pleasures by the means of this Money.  
Thus was I resolved to spend my time as pleasantly as I could with my Periwig-makers wife; but Fortune was not so favourable to me, for I have seen her but thrice since that time; she was the last time so pettish and out of humour, that I could not prevail with her to tell me the reason thereof, nor could I give her comfort in a business that I was so wholly unacquainted with. And I am willing to own it( though I am ashamed that a man should weep so) that the pity to see her so afflicted, drew tears from my own eyes. And to speak the Truth, these tears were an ill presage for me, for I never saw her more after that in London. I gave one day Margaret order to go see her in her House; but the neighbours made her Answer, that the people of that House were troopt away privately: This News afflicted me to the highest point, and I was in the greatest disquiet imaginable, as having loved her extremely; but seeing that this affliction was to no purpose; I comforted myself by renewing my former way of Life, for solitariness went against my heart.  
I had one day a desire to go see Isabella, for I began to repent that my desire of revenge had proceeded so far; but there was no remedy, unless it were to gain her again by Entreaties and Presents; but as the Night was already far spent, I was of opinion to defer my purpose till the morrow morning, as I did; when I went betimes to her Lodgings, and finding her door open below, I went softly up stairs, and found Isabella still in bed; I looked upon her face, which I found very beautiful, and without spots or freckles, insomuch that the mischief I did her turned not to her disadvantage, though I knew very well that her face would change in time, I did not believe that the freckles would have gone away; she lay there with her bosom all naked, the delightful form whereof excited so much desire in my Breast, that I could not constrain myself any longer; then I prepared myself for the Attack; but in the very moment that I would have got upon the Bed, she awaked, and seeing me by her in that posture, she began to cry out with all her might, Thieves, Thieves, which so terrified me, that I lost the use of my Speech; but the morel cox'd her, the more she cried Thieves: Thus did I see myself obliged to depart the Room; but the Misfortune was, that being upon the middle of the stairs, I met three or the Carpenters men at whose House she lay, the first of whom taking me for a Thief, hurled me so furiously down stairs, that all my Members had like to have been broken; one of them below received me with as much Civility as could be expected from that sort of People, they gave me an innumerable company of Blows, and swing'd me off at that rate, that I thought this day would be the last of my Life; and indeed I had not come off so well as I did, if the Carpenter who knew me well enough, having seen me pass through his Shop so many times to her Lodgings, had not come to my rescue, and freed me out of the ●… ands of those Executioners. He asked me ●… mmediately how this mischance had happened ●… o me? but the Blood gushed in such abundance from my mouth, that I was not able to make him any Answer, which making him entertain some suspicion, he took me by the Sleeve, and lead me above, to hear from Isabella's mouth what was the matter; who seeing me so clawed off, made answer, That she was mistaken, having taken me for another, forasmuch as that she was half asleep, and her eyes hardly open. She added some sorry excuses; whereupon the Carpenter went away, saying, That I was obliged to excuse his men, who thought to have done their duty, and that it was good luck that they had not mauled we worse than they did. I gave him not a word in Answer to this compliment, being busy with stanching and wiping away the Blood.  
In the mean while up came the Maid, who knowing nothing of all this Bustle, asked me immediately the cause of that miserable condition she saw me in? I related to her the whole Affair; which she seemed very much amazed at. In the mean while Mrs. Isabella being got out o●… Bed, and having something cleaned my clothes with her Maid, she  told me, Well, Sir, do you not think you have well merited this upon the account of the Water you bestowed upon me for the taking away my Freckles? Nevertheless I had no other intentions by my crying out, than to oblige you to go out of the Chamber, forasmuch as of good right I hold you for one of my greatest enemies, but not to have had you so severely treated, though you have well deserved it. I gave her not a word in Answer to that reproach; and having asked for a Looking-Glass, I saw my face so disfigured, that it was all covered with blew and black spots, my eyes seemed as if they would have burst out of my head, and the pain I had over all my members, was almost insupportable, the rage & vexation I was in made the tears gush out of my eyes. The truth is, Isabella had some reason to be dissatisfied, but this revenge seemed to me too bloody; though she seemed to be very much afflicted at it; she desired me also that very morning to pardon all on both sides, and to think no more thereof; but I was deaf to this discourse, choosing much rather to lose my Life than an affair of this nature. I sent for a Cloak by a Porter, forbidding him to discover to any body the place of my abode; for I was not willing Isabella should know it.  
Whereupon was I forced to keep my Chamber eight days in this miserable condition, and as soon as I was well-enough cured to be able to go abroad, I went as my custom was, into one of the most infamous Bawdy-houses of Whetstones-Park; for the custom of sinning was become natural, tho I was no longer fond of frequenting public Bawdy-houses, as I have already said, to satisfy there my Carnal Desires: But I took very much delight in the Discourses that are commonly heard there. Amongst other Misses of Pleasure, there was one who was none of the ugliest, and who had a smooth and oily Tongue. I presently made acquaintance with her, as taking most with my Humour, and won her, but by a Necklace of false Pearl which I made her a Present of. I invited her to go to Hide-Park the next day, which she made no difficulty of yielding to, taking this for a mark of Affection.  
On the Morrow I took a Coach, and having taken her in, being dressed very gawdily, away we driven. In the way her pleasant Discourse carried me to extravagant passions, namely to satisfy my desire in the Coach. I discovered to her my thoughts, at which she fell a laughing, and posted her self immediately in a posture suitable to my Wishes. But while I was taken up with kissing her after this manner, the Coach-door opened, I know not whether it was through our motion, or by mischance, but we tumbled out in the same posture we had placed ourselves; and to heighten the misfortune, the ways was so dirty through the continual reins, that they were all full of dirt, so as we were as marvelously bedaubed as if we had been drawn thro a Mire. The Coach-man, who by the noise of the Wheels and the rest of the Tackling of the Coach, had not taken notice of our Misfortune, had still pursued his way, insomuch that I was forced to run after him, forasmuch as that he was a good space of way before us. He was according to all appearance very much amazed, not knowing by what means we were got out of the Coach, but he had so much discretion as not to ask it. In the mean while we cleaning our Clothes, and after we had taken a turn in the Park, we went to Chelsey, where we had our Clothes put in the best posture that it was possible.  
I could not well understand my misfortunes, that followed so close upon the heels of one another, I who had been so happy all my life time, tho that this last adventure could not be reckoned for an unhappiness, since it did but very little hurt to our Clothes; wherefore it was rather worthy of laughter than of pitty. Nevertheless it seemed to me an ill presage of my life to come, tho that these sort of adventures do not always prove laws. But to return to our Discourse, You must know that we spent that day in all manner of Divertisements, for to comfort the Miss for her Cloths being spoiled, J had given her half a Guiny, which liberality did so oil her Tongue, that she sung all the way like a Nightingale: For besides her other Qualities, she had an excellent and very pleasant Voice, which was alone capable to gain the heart of a Man. All the Charms being thus joined, I found the time shorter then I thought, wherefore I sent the Coach-man back with his Coach, and spent some hours more with my mistress; who as soon as she came into the Tavern, could not forbear telling our Adventure to the Vintners Wife, which we laughed at for a long while with a great deal of pleasure.  
After I had thus lost my Perriwigg-makers Wife, I frequented Companies every day: I heard one of my Companions say, that he had seen at St. Edmundsbury in an Inn he mentioned a very beautiful Maiden, That during all the time he had been there, he had been three times at her House to see her, but that she had been so coy and haughty, that all the pains he took to see her, were to no purpose, tho he had been assured that she was for the sport. There were several Discourses thereupon amongst us, which encouraged me like a truly loyal servant of Venus to go thither the next day. I  told my Landlord that he was not to expect me in a Week or Fortnight, for as much as I was to go out of Town: On the morrow I put on my best clothes, took with me about thirty pounds, and away went I for Berry: Then I found that the Beautiful Maiden, whose Qualities my Companion had so much extolled, was the Daughter of the House. She was dressed in very gorgeous Apparel, which added no small lustre to her Beauty; tho it was without exaggeration great enough to inflame the passion of a Man, yet she never shewed her self without having first consulted her Looking-glass for an hour. The two first days I was there, I had nothing of her but the sight, tho I had taken a great deal of pains to speak to her; but I thought her not so over proud, but that her Mother who was always with her, put the greatest obstacle to our Conversation. This watchfulness of the Mother did still more inflame my heart, insomuch, that I let not a moment sl●p without seeking an occasion to speak to her alone; and for that purpose I had prepared a Letter, wherein I discovered to her my thoughts; but I saw nolikelihood of making her yield without her Mothers perceiving it. This made me resolve to buy her something to make her a present of, and to deliver her the Letter, under that pretence.  
I went and bought a fat Capon that very same day, and being returned to our House, I asked what she thought of it, and what it was worth? Her Mother was present, but some other Affairs arising, she, left us alone for some time, when in the mean while the Daughter asked me if I had bought that for my mistress? I  told her, Yes, and that I had bought it for a Lady for whom I had a great deal of Affection. Sir, said she to me, I could wish also to have so liberal a Lover: You have him, said I, without perhaps knowing it, yourself: I bought it for you, and I beg you would accept it as a Mark of my Affection: I have added a Lettr to it, that you may be further informed of the matter. Having said this, I gave her the Capon and the Letter, which she thanked me for with a low curtsy, and she had hardly time enough to take away those things when her Mother called her.  
I must own that I was so innocent a Creature then, as not to know that the Booty entred into a public Chest, as I afterwards found; for all the watchfulness of the Mother, and all the assiduity of the Daughters, did tend to make ●●rangers believe that they were honest people, and that she took great care of her Daughters honour; in the mean while she endeavoured to render them the more hot by these means; for when she saw Presents were a coming, she knew so well how to feign business up and down the House, and as soon as she perceived her Daughter was seized on the prey, she gave her immediately something to do. By these means she had already deceived a great many people, and thought to trepan me after the same manner, as I will tell you hereafter; thus this Letter had not any effect, only that it produced some aimiable looks and glances: insomuch as I could easily understand there were no more hopes for me, unless I made more presents.  
Whereupon one Evening I made her a Present of two fine laced Handkerchiefs which Isabella had bought for me a little before at Bartholomew Fair, though they cost me dear enough at that time. These Handkerchiefs had more effect, for treading on my Toes she gave me a sign to follow her. Which I did accordingly, without her Mother, as I thought perceiving it; and being come Into the Court, she  told me, That about ten a Clock at Night I might come into her Chamber,- where we should have opportunity enough of discoursing together. I thought then certainly that this Fort was already won, forasmuch as that it sought to parley. Thus I waited till Ten, with a great deal of impatience, and the Clock having struck, in went I gently without Stockings or Shoes; being only to go up a small pair of Stairs. I found her there sitting in her Night Dress, insomuch that I fancied she must that very moment have leaped into Bed, but the affairs was not yet so forward, for she commanded me to sit down, and after having asked me several Questions, namely, touching my Friends, my place of Birth, the Circumstances of my Estate, to which having paid her with a Regiment of Lies, she would needs know to what end I had written her that Letter. I was amazed at this Query, as indeed having not expected it; but seeing it was necessary that I should endeavour to come off with reputation, I made her answer, That the Affection I bore her from the first hour I saw her, had obliged me to writ it to her, and that I pretended to nothing else thereby than to insinuate myself into her favour. There were several Discourses thereupon, which tired me more than I can say, for my design was only to satisfy my desires that very moment, and then to return to London; and her design was first of all to draw my purse; in so much that that Night there was nothing for me to do, unless it were to feel her Breasts, which I was likewise to take for a very great favour; now for the rest she would not hear a word. Yet I had leave to come to her every night at the same hour.  
I had already stayed there about eight or ten days, without having made any progress in my Amour; and nevertheless methought it was time to put a period to my Intrigue; for I might well imagine that my expenses began to mount to a considerable Sum. Whereupon I once asked what I had to pay? How, said the Mother, I did not think you would have been gone so soon? For I had made her believe that I should stay there a Month or two. No, Madam, said I, it is only to pay what I owe at present. There is no necessity for that, said the devilish Jilt, but forasmuch as you desire it, Sir, there is Six pound ten. I payed her forthwith in Gold, for so much the better persuading her that I was the person J gave myself out for. But J thought in myself that Six pound ten in nine days time was a little too much. Whereupon J resolved to stay there some days longer, to consume there indeed what she had over-reckoned me. in the mean while J failed not every night to go see the Daughter, with whom J advanced my acquaintance so far, that she promised me to satisfy my desire, upon condition of making her a present of a Petticoat, and the rest J should give her for the sport, she would leave to my discretion. Being thus agreed, J went and bought her a fine Petticoat all be-laced. The price of it would come to Seven pound, whereupon J bid the Fellow to bring it to my Lodging, and that if it pleased the Lady he should receive his money the next day: It was accordingly brought to my Inn, and J prefented it to Mistress Jenny, who liked it extream●y. The seller desired her to be careful of the Coat, forasmuch as that he was not acquainted with me, and that J had bought it of him to show it her; which she promised him to do, for she did not doubt of my sincerity, forasmuch as that J had paid her well before. J was that Evening received very amiably by the Daughter, and at night J saw myself in her Arms; for she did not doubt but that J would pay very exactly for the Petticoat: J own that J had a great deal of pleasure that night, tho J could perceive by the door there had more than one been in before me; yet she had the art of concealing that Imperfection by a most peculiar Dexterity, which she made use of in that action; insomuch that J was extremely satisfied with her Embraces, and promised her a rich Gown besides the Petticoat. 'Tis not to be expressed what Caresses the little gilded made me to have also this Present; but it was too late, forasmuch as that my inclination was too much changed after J had perceived all her Whorish Tricks. At Break of Day J took leave of her, and went my way to sleep for an hour or two in my Chamber, after which pretending that J would go buy the Gown J spoken of, out J went, but it was with no design to return again, tho J had Six pound ten more to pay. J went to the Post-Master, got Horses made ready immediately, writ a Letter which J gave to a Porter well sealed up, for to deliver to mistress Jenny, that she might know at one clap the loss of her Lover, of the Petticoat and Gown: the Contents of the Letter was as follows, 
Madam,  
What remains to be spent of the Six pound ten, you may be pleased to buy you a Petticoat with, and if you have not enough for that purp se, you may borrow some part of the Money upon the Handkerchiefs and other Toys I made y●u a present of. As for the Silk Gown, we will hold a general Council as to that Affair, immediately upon my return, forasmuch as methinks I have paid sufficiently dear for the pleasures of one Night alone. However if you found no dis-comfort in my Embraces, you may come and find me out in London, where we shall have occasion to adjust our Accounts in the Courts of Venus, Adue, my service to your Mother, and tell her that I am very sorry that I found nothing of value at her House worth the trouble of taking along with me.   
This being done, J went to London very well satisfied with myself that J had performed my businesses so well, instead of being afflicted that the pleasures of one night had cost me with what I had given to Jane, above Ten Pound: but as my Money had not cost me too much pains, I spent it as fast as I got it. I failed not to relate my Adventure to my Companions, who rejoiced extremely at it; for in those sort of things consisted our greatest pride. In the mean while the Prank Isabella had lately played me, lay still so heavy upon my stomach, that it was impossible for me to forget it: J saw no likelihood of deceiving her without having first made peace with her, neither did J think it convenient to revenge myself again on her body, as I had done before, forasmuch as that the remembrance thereof vanishes almost at the same time with the pain: but the wounds of the purse afflicts hearts a much longer time, and the remembrance thereof is not so soon worn out. Whereupon I resolved to play her such a prank as that she should not lose the memory of it in Three Months time.  
Whereupon I went one Evening to her Lodgings, where she made me no overkind reception, fearing I came thither for no good; but after having discoursed an hour or two together, we made our peace, and all was pardonned on both sides, the Contract being sealed upon the Bed for the greater Confirmation. Nevertheless she did somewhat suspect that in time, the freak would take me to pay her for the smart of those blows I have mentioned: But forasmuch as J had been affiduous in my Visits to her, for above a Month, and that J had shown myself more in love with her than ever; these suspicions vanished by degrees, so as at length she asked me her self, to go take the Air with her out of Town, which we accordingly did for several days, without my showing her any discontent; which J forbore doing for the deceiving her with the more efficacy. In the mean while J began to desire her to suffer me to lie with her a Night, which J had not yet done, forasmuch as that the Lord who kept her, came to see her every Evening, and spent there some time the greatest part of the Night. Isabella imagining that my Request had no other Motive than a very great Inclination, did all that was possible to dispose Matters so as that she might grant me my Request. She asked her Keeper's leave that she might go to Rochester, pretending she had Relations there, and that she would be back again in two or three days: Which he granted her upon this Condition, which she gave me notice of that very Evening. J went immediately to consult one of my Companions, who was a Merchants Son, and who instead of studying the Law in the Temple, sauntred away his time in Debauchery, unknown to his Father. Him it was J discovered my Design to, without acquainting however who the Lady was; after which J gave him all the requisite instructions.  
The day of our Walk being come, I took a Coach for the space of four days, and put on my Best Clothes, to oblige Isabella to do the like, she being to pass the time we were abroad for my Wife. I took with me a little Box, wherein I had some rags, namely an old black, rusty Shirt, quiter worn out. I set it before the Coach, telling Isabella there were some rich Silks in it, which a Friend of mine desired me to take along with me, to present to a Lady at a Town whither we were going. For instead of going to Rochester we went but to Barnett, where we took our Lodging in one of the Principal Inns of that Town. We spent the rest of the day in Walking up and down, and about Evening returned to our Inn, where I had caused a good Supper to be made ready. In the mean while I had put a certain Powder into the Wine, which had the Virtue of making one sleep for some hours together without waking, but took care not to drink of it myself; yet Isabella drunk hearty of it, as not being used to drink Wine. I quickly saw the effect of it, for she had it no sooner in her Body, then that it made her drowsy, and obliged her to desire me to go to Bed. But as soon as I saw she was sound asleep, I got up and opened my Coffer, putting out all the rags, which I laid upon a Chair by the Bed-side, putting in her Gown all laced with Point, and her petticoat done with Point too, which was the best of all she had; with a pair of Pendants set with Diamonds which she wore, and which I put into my pocket, with a Diamond Ring which she wore upon her Finger.  
The next Morning early my Companion came dressed like a Foot-man in a Livery, and knocking at the Door, asked if there was not a Gentleman there by such a Name: I called for him immediately, and made him carry the Box down, commanding to make ready the Coach, and carry the Box to such a Lady about a Mile distance from thence. In the mean while I went up again, and put into the Pocket of her old petticoat two guineas, that the poor Creature might have at least wherewith to pay the reckoning and return to London. Whereupon my Companion took the Box upon his shoulders, and carried it out of the House, and after I had drank a Glass of Wormwood Wine with the Landlord; I stepped into the Coach, desiring him to let my Wife rest a while longer: That I would be back in an hour and an half. In this manner was I perched in the Coach, and my Companion behind it; and away went we for London in all hast: but my Companion after we were out of sight of Barnet, came and placed himself by me in the Coach, for fear he should be known in that dress.  
I could willingly have purchased with a quarter of my Booty the sight of Isabella and the faces she made when she waked, and how those Clothes became her which I had left her; for her stays, her Sleeves, with Point Ruffles, laced shoes, all was in the Mode; whereas all that I had left her, were not wor●h two Crowns, insomuch that they must suit excellent well. But to let her know the reason why I had stripped her in this manner, I left upon the Table a little Note which I had written in great Letters, as followeth: 
If you return to London, Isabella, cry then as you did when the Carpenters Man used me so miserable, even to the making blood run down my face. At present you have reason to call me Thief, tho I have only made an exchange: but if you are wise say not a word of it to any body, and have patience for this unlucky Journey of yours.   
Now as soon as we were got to London, we began to think of selling all these Clothes, and went to a Shop in Long-lane, but seeing they would give but the quarter of the value of 'em, I bethought myself of putting them to pawn, and of sending Isabella the Tickets that are usually given by Pawn-Brokers; that she might recover again her Goods in time. But this Money went after the same manner it came, for it served us but three days: and in all likelihood I was fallen under a terrible Misfortune, for I began to perceive that a certain gilded I had lain with in one of these Debaucheries, had bitten me by the head; that her Teeth was devilish venomous, insomuch that it would cost me some Crowns to Cure it; but I could easily easily recompense that loss by the value of the Diamonds which were in her Pendants, which I had kept for myself.  
In the mean while I caused the Pawn-Tickets to be delivered to Isabella; and she desired me by the Porter, that I would return to her with all manner of confidence, forasmuch as that sh● hearty pardonned me the late prank, and that she really ●elieved that necessity had obliged me to it. But J was too wise to go to her again, for J quickly after saw a mantle of her Affection, which made me resolve immediately to leave London, and by luck J had changed my Lodging upon my return to Town, for as much as I apprehended some Effect of that Nature: for I did not doubt but that they would have taken me into Custody, as I might presume by the design which follows: One Evening, when all our Company was seated in a Tavern at Tick-tack, came in a Constable with three or four followers. I was strangely frighted at the sight of him, suspecting he might be sent upon Isabella's Account. Wherefore I started up immediately from the Table to defend myself, in case I was attacked. My Companion in Thievery did the like, so as by the Cowardice of the Constables Followers, we cleared our way with Sword in hand, and got out of the House: I went immediate●… y to my Lodgings, taking my leave of my Companion, who returned to Cam●… ridge, where his Father thought him at that time; and for my part I troop'd down to York, with about Fifty Ponnds in my Pocket, and a pair of Pistols, and in five days time I got thither, over-joyed J escaped so happily.  
J inquired immediately for a Chamber ●… eady furnished, where J might remain until this Storm was over; for J had learned by Experience that it was more advantageous to dwell at a Citizens House, than to be lodged and eat in an Inn; and found one near the great Market place: J struck up a bargain with the Landlord, the three or four first days J spent in seeing the Town; J found the time very tedious in a City where J had no acquaintance. Being one day in the Market Place, J felt some body bobbing me upon the Elbow, whereupon J turned full of amazement, not knowing that there were any of my Acquaintance in that Town; and J was much more astonished when this Man presented me his hand for a mark of his Friendship, and saluted me in calling me by my Name. It was a young Youth well dressed, and of a good mien: But J did not remember ever to have seen him; wherefore J desired him to excuse my little Civility, forasmuch as that J had not had the honour to know him. Is it possible, replied he to me, that a Voyage of four or five years, has changed me so as not to be known again by my best Friends? Do not you remember that we dwelled in the same house in London, or have you forgot your Friend William? Thereupon considering him with attention, J knew him again, and remembered him at the remembrance of our former Friendship. He  told me that for the completing his Studies, he had frequented the most Celebrated Academies of France and Italy, and that for these four or five Weeks he had sojourned at York for the complying with his Companions in Study. He asked me the state of my Health, and how I did at present. J  told him J held the old Order of the Wandring Knights, and that J only sought for Adventures. Thus laughing and discoursing he lead me into an Inn, where we were immediately saluted by part of the young Blades, who seemed to me all to be good humoured Sparks. William  told his Companions who J was, and the pranks we had played in our youth; whereupon J was immediately received into the Fraternity of this Company.  
There passed not a day without our playing some Drollery, wherein J took so much delight, that J no longer thought of London: We had Women in abundance, and J fancy our college was more formidable than the Mayor himself. In the mean while we heard that at Durham there was an Inn where they commonly kept some handsome Wenches for Strangers, that they might not spend their Money else where; but that it was so dear there, that let the repast be never so small it would cost you five or six pounds at the least. This was an Affair for us all together; wherefore a Parliament was called, and the result was, That we should go and remain there ten or twelve days at the Charge of the Landlord. For that purpose one of our Community, who was the finest shaped of all, was ajusted as a great Lord of Eminent Quality, and the others that were nine, were ordered to serve him each according to his Quality; that he should pass for an Italian Count; for as much as that he spoken that tongue perfectly well, as also all his Attendants, for they had all studied in Italy three or four years; J was the only person who understood no Italian, bu●… to conceal that fault, and not to be obliged to speak much, I was received 〈…〉 his Valet de chamber. William was o●… Steward, two others of the younge●… were Pages, and the rest Footmen.  
In this quipage, and with three Trunks filled with Sand and Stones, we departed for Durham, where we went forthwith to the foresaid Inn; the Landlord received us with his Hat in Hand, and the Landlady with low Curtzeys: But the mischief was, that he could not understand us. One of our Companions seeing that for want of knowing the English Tongue, we were like to be not over well accommodated, pretended to know some little English; which he spoken so ill that one would have sworn he had been a foreigner; but the Discourse that passed between him and the Landlady surmounted all pleasure; for she was a French-woman and spoken English as bad as he, from which there proceeded so sweet a Harmony that one could not hear them without splitting ones sides with laughing. Nevertheless we failed not of bringing our ends about by these means: For we were immediately shewn some Chambers, whereof the one was for the Connt; the second that was near it was for the Steward and Me, and the Third for the Pa●es and Footmen. The Three Trunks were put into the Count's Chamber, which was no small trouble to the Footmen who carried them up, for they were as heavy as if they had been filled with melted led.  
Giovanni, so was the Footman called, who spoken a little English, was always below with the Landlady and her Maids, to whom he spoken so advantageously of the Count, that J was often amazed how he could find out all those lies. We had sojourned there about four days without haing done ought but glut ourselves with Eating and Drinking; when the Hostess began to ask Giovanni if my Lord the Count and the two other Gentlemen, who were William and I, did not love Women? He failed not upon a Question of this Nature, to exaggerate to her our Excellent Qualities, and said that the Count had taken that Journey on purpose to divert himself with the Northern Girls. Whereupon she furnished us that Evening with Three Wenches, which she brought into our Chamber with a Grave compliment, which we pretended not to understand, tho we understood well enough that she  told those Wenches that we were Persons of Quality, and that each of them would have at least Two guineas for each Buttock that Night. She that was dressed the best immediately accosted the Count, and two others us: These Wenches were none of the ugliest, and they began to Caress us after the English Way, to which we answered all in Italian, tho J did not pronounce over well the little Italian I understood. We spent the Night very pleasantly with those Wenches, and the next Day too at such a rate as if we had had the Estates of Princes. In the Afternoon the Count went to see the Town, accompanied with all his Train, as we were used to do every Day, not to cause any suspicion the Day that was appointed for our Retreat. In the Evening we made good cheer again, and then went to Bed with our nymphs, which we continued for Four Days together; insomuch that in all likelihood those Wenches reckoned to have five or six guineas for each Head; which we could easily perceive by the Discourse that passed between them: for as they were persuaded that we understood only Italian, they talked to one another with all manner of liberty in our presence.  
On the Morrow we held a Council upon our Departure, thinking we had spent sufficiently. But we were not willing to leave them the Trunks for the payment of the Hostess, without taking something in revenge to carry with us to Rotterdam: Whereupon the Count sent word to the Hostess by Giovanni, that a Draper should be sent for to bring some Cloth of the newest Mode; forasmuch as that he had a desire to sand a Piece into Italy, by a Ship then in Harbour ready to set Sail for those Parts. This she performed in a moment, and after that Giovanni had agreed with the Draper for the price, the Count bid him come and receive his Money the next Morning at Eight of the Clock: The Draper seemed to find some difficulty therein, but the Hostess re-assured him, telling him that he needed not to fear his Money, that she had in her House three Trunks of the Counts, against the least of which she would truck all she was worth. The Draper was satisfied with this answer, and we had the Piece of Cloth, which Giovanni carried out of the House in the Evening, without any bodies perceiving it, and lodged it in a place which we knew to be very safe. That Night we had our Wenches for the last time, and went out on the Morrow with all our Train as we were used to do, and taking Horses, away posted we for New Castle, and there we embarked for Edinburgh; we changed immediately our clothes, and the piece of Cloth was divided amongst us, and every one of us had sufficient to cloath ourselves agaist the rigour of the Winter.  
You may easily imagine with what a mortal fright the Hostess was seized when the Count and his Train had forgot to return, and still more when she opened the Trunks, for all that was therein was not worth a Crown: And without doubt, the nymphs were none of the best satisfied, when they saw they had given the use of their Bodies for nothing, tho they had still this Comfort in all their misfortunes, namely, that they had lost no Money thereby; but on the contrary, the Land-lord lost above Forty Pounds by the matter, for as much as that we made as good cheer as a Prince, every day we were there. And besides that, he was without doubt obliged to pay for the Piece of Cloth, she having been so ready to engage for it for my Lord the Count.  
I had committed an other Robbery that same Morning, which none of my Companions knew any thing of, namely, I had filch'd away a little Picture that was in our Chamber, and which my Conscience would not suffer me to leave there; for it was too fine to be left in that Chamber, tho it suited well enough with the things that are commonly done there: What it represented was, A Lady with her Breasts half naked, sitting by the Fire-side with her Petticoats lift us as high as her Knees: She was drying a certain Net, which was fastened at one end to the Chimney, and at the other to one of her Legs; her Face was turned towards a Young Man who was behind her with his Hat off; and shew'd him with her Finger Three Men who were seated at a Table in the same Room, as if she would say, that she had already taken them with her Net, and that she would do the like with him. This Picture seemed too fine to me, for to leave it there; but I did not enjoy it long, forasmuch as that it was stolen from me at Edinburgh, by a Wench I had with me, and after so pleasant a manner that I could in no wise be displeased at it.  
Thus continued I to haunt this Company as I had done before at London, for we troubled ourselves with nothing only thinking on diverting ourselves well. One Day passing by the across, a Maid came and took me by the Arm, begging me to follow her to a Ladies House who desired the honour of my company. I asked her Who it was? If I was allow'd to know her Name? But she trug'd on without making me any answer to that point; which made me resolve to follow her, let what would come on't, forasmuch as I was well enough armed to defend myself against two Men: for since I was forced to make my escape from London, I never went without my Pistols, still doubting some prank might be played me by Isabella: we had gone about the length of two streets, when I saw her enter into a fine House, J followed her up the steps into a Room pretty well furnished: She looked upon me, calling me very attentively, and asked me if J had not dwelled at London? And if my Name was not Frederick? And if J had not known a certain Person called Sophia the Wife of a Perriwig-maker? J looked earnestly into the Maids Eyes upon all these Questions, without remembering to have seen her. Wherefore I was amazed, seeing she knew so many Circumstances touching my Conduct: I made her answer, That London was the Place of my Birth, and that my Name was Frederick, and that J knew Madam Sophia, and that J had loved her to a high degree; but that J had had no news of her since she had left London. She asked me if J knew not the motive that had made her leave London? J changed Colour, hearing the Maid speak in this manner, and a certain horror possessed all my Members, for in my life J had never loved any Woman but her; and as soon as J had uttered how desirous J was to see her, J heard a door open just before me, and saw at the same time, the Fair Sophia come into the Room J was in. This unexpected re-incounter put me into such a Consternation, that J stood like a stock and motionless; but being some what recollected, J fell at her feet, kissing her fair hand; she left me not long in that posture but raising me up, she embraced me with a sweetness capable of drawing tears from my Eyes by the immoderate joy wherewith J was seized. After these first embraces, we reposed both upon a Chair; but J was amazed at the fine movables of the House, J was no less with the fine and rich clothes she wore, joined to the Lustre of Diamonds and pearls, which made her resemble a Goddess. She perceived my amazement, and  told me, you seem to wonder, My Dear, at the change of my Condition, and it is not without reason, forasmuch as that it is surprising. But to satisfy you, J will make you in the Afternoon a Relation of all that has happened to me, since we saw one another the last time. it is now time, pursued, she, that we begin again to make good cheer, tho you will not be obliged to be at so much expense as formerly. Having finished these words, she took me by the hand, and lead me into a Chamber, where there was a Table covered with all manner of Delicacies, and down we sat immediately.  
Having done Eating, I failed not to put Sophia in mind of her Promises, to which she answered me very agreeably: Since our last interview, said she, at Margarites House, I departed with my Husband and all our Baggage for Edinburgh: tho truth is, that J knew then J was to go away; but the reason why J did not give you notice of it, is that J could not oblige myself to see the Tears of a Lover, whom J cherished so much. You will pardon me this fault, if it be one, forasmuch as that Love was the cause of it. But J could not discover till a long while after, the reason that had obliged my Husband to so precipitated a departure. We had dwelled about six Months at Edinborough, when my Husband came to be attacked by a very dangerous Sickness, which in the space of Eight days put him in a state of despairing of his Recovery; wherefore one Morning he sent for me to his Bed-side, telling me that he had had the misfortune to wound a Man very desperately at London, who nevertheless he had been  told was cured of his Wound, and that to avoid the hand of Justice, he had been obliged to leave London; yet that he was persuaded that the wounded person had not known him, forasmuch as that all was done in the Night, that otherwise he could not have failed of having been sought after. He died two days after he  told me this, leaving me a Widow without Children, but little to subsist on. J had him butted the best and handsomest J could, forasmuch as that J had never loved him. J was not long before J was Courted by several Lovers; of whom there was not so much as one that could gain my Affections, except an old Merchant, whom J did not show myself pitiless to, by reason of his Money. He was above sixty years old, and his liberality towards me was so great, that J could live upon it like a Princess. As soon as the Nine Months, which is the term prescribed by Widows and Widowers to mary again was expired, Alexander, so was this rich Loones Name, asked me in Marriage. He knew well enough that he was strike in years, but he knew also that he had a great Estate, being at least worth Twenty thousand pounds in movables, and in Lands. Wherefore J consented to it very willingly; 'tis now about a year since we were Wedded, without having yet any Fruit of our Marriage, and never do J hope having any by him, by reason of his Age, impotence and insufficiency. A week ago J saw you pass by our House with a Company of young Men, and since that J have sought every day an occasion to speak to you alone; having seen you this Morning near the across, J forthwith made my Maid to follow you, and to bring you hither, whereas J retired home at the same time. Never was there a more favourable occasion, forasmuch as that my Husband is departed two days ago for Carlisle upon some business, from whence he will not be back this four or five days; insomuch that during that time, we may make good Cheer, be Merry, and take all manner of Divertizements.  
J failed not to kiss fair Sophia's hand by way of acknowledgement. We spent the rest of that day with all the Caresses imaginable, and at Night J had the satisfaction of lying with the most Beautiful Person that Nature ever made. Our former flames revived, J found in Sophia so much tenderness for me, as made me promise myself some good advantage from it. We had been two days, two nights, in this agreeable Entertainment; when one Morning Sophia taking me about the Neck kissing, and hugging me, and telling me, You may easily understand by what J do with you, my dear Frederick, that J have no tenderness for my Husband; forasmuch as that without that reason no body in the World should have been capable of making me break the Faith I had vowed him. But forasmuch as by the Affection J had before for you, J am at present fallen into this fault, J have proposed to myself, if you think fitting, to be always yours until that Death comes and breaks those Bonds wherewith J am tied to you. You need not trouble your head about Moneys and Estate, forasmuch as that J have Means sufficient to take along with me to spend the rest of our Life conveniently together. If these offers be to your mind, you shall choose what place you please for our Retreat These words seemed to me to come from Heaven, for never News had rejoiced me so much as these, seeing myself freed thereby from all my troubles, in that J might well imagine th●s debauched Life could not last long, and my Purse began to be very low. Wherepon J let her know by a thousand Embraces that her proposition was very grateful to me, and that J wished nothing more than to see myself with her upon the way.  
I advised her immediately to sand her Maid somewhere or other, for fear she should come to discover our Design, having learnt by experience, how dangerous it is to confided ones Secrets in a Woman: After which we packed up all the Money and Jewels we could carry away with us, with the rest of the richest movables, with intention to depart that very day. Nevertheless, J took notice that this Maid would in all likelihood, prie into our Design in case J did not sand her farther off. Whereupon J wrote a Letter, which J gave her to carry two miles from Edinburgh, showing her the place where she was to deliver it: She was to receive in that place a Trunk filled with clothes, which J had immediate occasion for; J gave her a Crown for the more carefully performing my Commission. Having thus rid ourselves of the Maid, we departed for Frieth, and from thence set sail for Zealand, where we arrived in a few days; forasmuch as that J had no mind to return into any Place at England, where I thought not myself in safety. We went to Middleburgh, where we took a House to dwell there. But all the Adventures I had since, and how Alexander behaved himself after having lost his Wife, J will give you an Account of in the Second Part of this Book. In the mean while J wish you, dear Reader, all sorts of Prosperities; and I'll put a period to this First Part by this happy Adventure of Love which J have now related to you.  
FINIS.