portrait of a Cardinal 
FP TQC    

The Papists politic projects discovered.  
Or a Dialogue betwixt Crucifix and Holy-water.  
 5 men and a winged figure gathered around a table Time brings all to light. The eye of heaven seeth all.  a fleet of ships 
1589.   a church 
1605.   a fleet of ships 
1639.   
Printed in the year 1641.   

A Dialogue between Crucifix and Holy-water.  Holy-water. 
MAster Crucifix, me thinks your looks something savour of Lent still, your chaps are fallen; the pure read once reigning in your cheeks, is now converted into pale or swarthy, what is it my dear adorer of Saints that has bread this alteration in you?  Crucif. 
Brother Holy-water though your speech has a pleasing accent, yet your aspect is not so cheerful as hereto fore: you have been at confession lately, have you not? and there for some heinous sin you are enjoined pennance to fast three daies in a week, to forbear flesh, especially Mutton, Anthonies, Eringoes and Caviarres, and such meat of concupiscence you must not be acquainted withall, or you must not coire with your Concubine, or what is it that distempers you?  Holyw. 
Those you pronounced I must confess were sufficient to make me ou●goe my reason, but they are trifles to it, that which has begot this new physiognomy in me, tis the Parliament.  Cruc. 
Ha! the Parliament? that word's more terrible to methen the Popes Bul, bells rung the wrong way breed not such horror in the hearers hearts as the sound of that word has quaking in my breast; nay, then I see all our actions as dark as hell, will be brought to light, our cunning devices to deceive the simplo, will not onely be espied but rewarded.  Holyw. 
Wee cannot now tell our credulous hearers of our strict orders, how religious men we be, of the Society of Icsus, Benedictins, Franciscans, Augustinians, Bernardines, Antonians, Ioannites, Carthusians, Premonstratentians, Cistertianes, and the like; which they understand as well as we, our distinct habits and customs differing one from another, how we profess perpetual chastity, obedience, and wilful poverty.  Cruc. 
Nor do you tell them how the Popes holinesse can dispense with any thing, how their penury is turned into plenty, how their chastity becomes charity for the relieving collapsed Ladies wants.  Holyw. 
No, nor discourse of the ward rope of habiliments that our mass Priest bears about him, as the Amice, the long Albe, the Girdle, the stolen, the Maniple, the Castula, the Napkin, or Sudary, the Sandals, the Purple Coat with wide Sleeves, the Gloves, the Ring, the Pall or Cope, the Crosiers staff, and many more; the very names whereof are sufficient to seduce the simplo.  Cruc. 
And how they must pray in latin although they cannot understand it, but must trust to the Priests honesty for that, and say Amen to it, though for ought they know they have prayed for their own damnation; and that to many of the Priests it may be Greek or Hebrew for ought they know too.  Holyw. 
And persuade them that if any but hear mass, and after hearing be sprinkled with holy-water, and kiss the Priests Garments, he cannot commit that day any mortal sin, although he would, and that drunkenness, lying, cursing, breach of the sabbath, swearing, and( upon a good occasion) forswearing, are not onely venial, but also sometimes very necessary.  Cruc. 
And how zealous and precise they are, for if there betwenty Priests in a house, they must all say mass before noon, though there bee no body by, though they sacrifice to the walls: they must have their beads to pray by number too, or else their prayers want weight. A hundred and fifty Pater Nosters, and as many have Maries, and forty Creeds, are nothing, and if one of the right number be amiss, all the rest are effectlesse, nay it is a mortal sin if among so many prayers for pennance one onely be omitted.  Holyw. 
And then in their processions, pray to the dead, invoke the Saints and Angels, adore the consecrated host, administer the Sacrament under one kind, sprinkle Holy-water, tinkle a bell at the elevation, kiss the ground where the Priest hath stood, worship relics, repeat the name of Iesus nine times together, cross the forehead, mouth and breast many times, wet their fingers in the holy pot before they go towards the Altar, kneel down to every Priest they meet, amblethrice about a cross, and many more( to speak truly superstitious) worships; these and the like being spoken plausibly to the multitudes itching ears, would have drawn their hearts as a loadstone does iron.  Cruc. 
If that would not move them, we would then acquaint them with the delights that Priests enjoyed, as how many a poor Gentleman that cannot rule his wife is fain or rather forced to wear their mark in Capite, and they must have in Marsupio though the other bee in Carcere; they feed of the best meats, best wine, best beer, and best of every thing that can bee got, they shrive young and handsome wenches, and when the flesh rebells against the spirit, they persuade them it is a venial sin to be broken up by a holy Priest, and sometimes they will enjoin it them for pennance.  Holyw. 
And to others wee would maintain that the tears of Priests were very precious and powerful, as to wash away and drown devils, nay there is power in a Priests breath, his gloves, his hose, his girdle, his shirts to scorch the devil, in his Albe, his Amice, his Maniple and his stolen to whip and plague the devil, in holy-water, hallowed Candles, frankincense, Brimstone, the book of exorcisms, and the holy potion to sealed, broil, and to sizle the devil, in the cross and sacrifice of the Altar to torment the devil till he roars at stake like a Bull: I cannot but laugh to think how the credulous fools would bee tickled with the delight of these fine fictions.  Cruc. 
By holy Mary to speak truly, the breath of many Priests might have power enough to d'ye these feats, for the breath of those that anhelitu oris enecant homines, or of Leno that had almost blown down a young gallant that stood in his way, or of the Stygian Lake, over which if a bide fly, with the pestiferous smell thereof she is quiter suffocated and falls down dead, are not near so p●stilentious as the breath of many Priests, especially those whose lungs are a little ulcerated, or Frenchified with morbo gallico, as you know there are not few of them.  Holyw. 
If the Priests breath were not very sovereign, to what purpose should they spit and breath in the mouth of a young child in its baptism? Why, I have heard and reported too, that one being possessed with a devil, and a Priest standing before the possessed, the devil durst not come out at the possesseds mouth because of the Priests strong breath, which to avoid he came out at his ear.  Cruc. 
But theres more virtue in a Priests gloves, hose and shirt, for one being possessed with a devil, put but one of the Priests gloves on his hand, and the devil run as if the devil had been in him. Another had a devil in his leg, upon which he put one of the Priests stockings, and the devil cried out for help, I wonder it did not rot the parties leg off. But the Priests poor laundress was served a foul trick, for the devil came sneaking behind her and gave her a trip like a Wrestler in Einsbury fields, and pitched the poor laundress on her hip, the reason was because she was washing one of the Priests Exorcist shirts, which afterwards whipped this devil out of one that was possessed.  Holyw. 
I mary, Sir, those were fine stories indeed, but would any believe them?  Cruc. 
believe them? yes, and turn Roman catholics too, I have made many a puppy go in procession to tyburn in penitential manner, and being naked from the girdle upwards to scourge themselves with whips till the blood gushed out like Rivers.  Holyw. 
And why to tyburn?  Cruc. 
In a double sense: First, because many holy and religious forsooth catholics had been martyred there, where they must pray for their departed souls. The second was because( in truth if they had had their merit) they ought not to have gone on foot, but have taken shipping in Master Carnifex his two wheeled Chariot, and in state have sailed up that amorous hill till they had approached the place aforesaid, where after Miserere mei sung, and a Bead dropped Exeant regnum. O what glory I have taken in these and the like pranks, I think in my conscience none of the inferior Divels was so jocund, when he had done Lucifer good service, as I have been when I have converted or rather destroyed a soul.  Holyw. 
And you shalbe rewarded as they are; this Parliament will firke you, and as plainly perceive your roguery as you have here declared it.  Cruc. 
Why? you are in the same predicament, what shall we do?  Holyw. 
Dost thou not think if we had the Priests foresaid strong breath and wonder-working habit, that it would preserve us, especially if it were soundly crossed and sprinkled with holy-water?  Cruc. 
I prey thee jest no more, but let's seek some course to preserve our lives, if we be taken we shall smell extremely, Conscientia mill testes.  Holyw. 
I know no other refuge but Rome, whither we must fly, and therefore let us fall to our salue Regina, have Maria, and Ora pro nobis; and if we can practise such juggling in another place weel about it, if not, live till we die, and theres an end. Come lets go.  
FINIS.