WALLOGRAPHY; OR The Britton Described: BEING A Pleasant Relation of a Journey into Wales, wherein are set down several Remarkable Passages that occurred in the way thither.  
AND ALSO Many choice Observables, and notable Commemorations, concerning the State and Condition, the Nature and Humour, Actions, Manners, Customs, etc. of that Country and People.  
By W. R. a mighty Lover of Welsh Travels.  
LONDON, Printed for Edward Caudle Bookseller in Bath. 1682.   

TO Sir Richard Wenman OF CASSWELL In the County of Oxford Baronet.  
SIR!  
HAving had the Honour to be employed in a Negotiation between an English Gentleman and the Ancient Britons, I was not only upon the Borders, and (as it were) the Limbs of Wales, but have travelled through the very Bowels of the Country; in which Journey there did salute me so many occurrences worthy of observation, that I could not for be●● a Description of them and from presenting you with the (as I may say). Wallography of my Voyage.  
I make bold to imitate one Alexander of Greece, who sti●● as he went dragooning abo●● the World, described the wandering, and (as it were) the 
* Tom Coriat. was a 〈◊〉 Traveler, who in King▪ James his time beat upon the hoof abo●● two or three thousand miles, and returned ho●● as very a Coxcomb as he went out. See 〈◊〉 Travels called his Crudities.  Tom Coriatism of his Expeditions; only in this I shall differ from him, whereas he gave only a bare Image and Portraiture of the Country, I shall draw the Character of the Inhabitants, and shall not only express in a Map or Table the mere Picture of the Place, and tell you that here stands one Town and twenty Miles off stands another, but my Design is to give you a Narrative of what I observed concerning the Nature of the (1) Soil, and of the (2) Inhabitants, their Original, Persons, Diet, Apparel, Language, Laws, Customs, Policy, etc.  
But what need I go so fa● as Macedonia for a Pattern seeing we have so many Precedents at home? For one tell us in Octavo that he hath been at Constantinople; another that he hath been at Vienna; a third that he hath been in Spain; and why may not I tell the World in a little Book that I have been in Wales? When a Fellow hath either a Maggot in his Pate or a Breeze in his Tail, that he cannot fix long in a place; or perhaps when he hath entitled himself by some misdemeanours either to the Pillory or Gibbet, to disinherit himself of his deserved Right, he flirt's into Holland, or is transported into some Foreign Country; where conversing a little while, he thrusts into th' World the History of his Adventures, he varnisheth over his Banishment with the Name of Travel, and styles that his Recreation which was indeed his Punishment, and so dignifies a Ramble by the name of Journey. He tells what Wonderments have surprised him, what Fragments of Antiquity have amazed him, what Structures have ravished him, what hills have tired him; in a word, he is big with Descriptions, and obliges you with the Narrative of all his Observations and Notices; seeing every one almost that hath bu● untrussed in a Foreign Country, will have his Voyage recorded, and every Letter-Carrier beyond Sea would be thought a Drake or a Candish I thought with myself wh● may not I have the liberty o● relating my Journey, and o● communicating my Observations to Mankind. I must confess my Pilgrimage was no● far, but perhaps it was chequered with as great variety both of Pleasure and Peril a● a longer Progress; neither are my remarks very solemn and stately, but yet they were such as gratified my curiosity, and pleased my humour as well as the Observations of longer Journals.  
Such as they are. (Sir!) I humbly crave leave to devote them to your Perusal, as the most signal Testimony▪ of that venerable Esteem I have for you. I wave your Panegyric, and forbear to Rhetoricate or to descant in your Praise. You are too Copious a Subject even for the most Transcendent Oratory. I list not to display your Personal Accomplishments, which are so eminent and conspicuous already in the World. I kno● an Attempt of that Nature would be too great a Violence to your Modesty, and I am sure too hard a Task for my Capacity. My present Business (Sir!) is to put this little Book into your Hand, and to desire you to Honour the Author in accepting, and to Divert yourself in reading of it; for possibly you may find so much Comedy in this Walk, as may dispose you to smile away an hour in the perusal of it. The Relations are not common and ordinary, and perhaps as pleasant as they are rare and unusual. I do not know that any Traveler jogging in the same Road hath given the same Account of Things, or hath made the same Descriptions which I here present you with; so that my Remarks are spick and span new, and if they are ridiculous, they are not unlike the Persons upon whom they are written. For the Welsh People are a pretty odd sort of Mortals, and I hope I have given you a pretty odd Character of them, and so I think I am pretty even with them for Oddness. A Taphy is observed to be a Trickish Animal, that hath a Vein of Jac●puddinis● running throu●● all his Actions, and therefore I thought it not improper sprinble here and there some what of the Blew-jacket, a●● to Merry-Andrew my Pr●grass a little farther as I we with jocund Observations, th●● the History might be agreeab●● to the Matter it Treats So that if a Welshman is Jest, as all the World 〈◊〉 count him a Living Pun, 〈◊〉 walking Conundrum, and breathing Witticism; Th●● have I made one Joke up another.  
I am not unsensible that Pa●ers of another Nature and Complexion are more agreeable 〈◊〉 that Character you bear in ●he World; Machiavelli and Malvezzi, or some discourse of be Maxims of Policy, would ●e a more suitable Subject for ●ur Contemplation: But (Sir!) 〈◊〉 pretend not to instruct you for ●he , but to direct you by the Fireside.  
Now for the Conclusion of ●ll; If there are any Good Things in Wales, the enjoyment whereof is worth the wishing you, I pray Heaven to ●rown you with the Fruition of ●hem: But possibly it may be a Province not much crowd with Blessings; may you therefore Flourish in the Affluen of good English Mercies; m●● you always possess good English Riches, Health and Honour and all other Happinesses an● Prosperities of our own N●tion!  
I am, (Worthy Sir!) Your very Humble Servant W. R. Helmdon, Octob. 24. 1681.   

WALLOGRAPHY OR The Britton described, etc.  
UPon the First of June 1673, having taken leave of my Friends, and received a Message, a little tiny Errend to be uttered by word of mouth, together with a Letter to ●e delivered into the hands of one of the most Reverend Taphies, 〈◊〉 began to have some thoughts ●f rigging myself out for mine ●●tended Voyage; and to that and I spatterdashed my Legs with 〈◊〉 pair of Cuckold's boots, and either adorned or furnished my hand with battooning Cudgel, and having entertained in my Retinue whole Distich of Spannels.  
Upon the Fourth of June, turned one side upon London, an● the other toward Wales; the Country which was to be the Period and Term of my Journey. W● traveled all that day with much pleasure, being treated as w● went, with the Delicacies of Nature: the Air was kind and sof● the Fields were trim and neat; 〈◊〉 Sun benign and cherishing; 〈◊〉 whole Creation was obliging, and from every thing we met, w● received a Civility; so that th● first day passed over with mu●● satisfaction. I do not remember that we saw any thing remarkable unless 'twas a Fellow driving 〈◊〉 tired Cow, whose slow motion 〈◊〉 now and then quickened by wri●●ing the Pendulum of her Tail a●● (as it were) curling it into a scre● he twisted her forward, and bored the Air with this Living Augre; Me-thoughts a very pretty trick to make a wimble of his Beast, and a handsome way to insinuate her along, and to improve her pace. 'Twas far beyond the courtship of a wisp of hay, in regard Fear urges more than Flattery can allure, and all Creatures are more ready to ease their Backs, than to fill their Bellies; O how Scorpions pretty crabbedly applied will make a thing caper, and increase his Career far beyond the temptation of Cake and Marmalade! and a Cat of Ninetails will drive better than a dish of Sweet meats can invite and draw. This was the Method the Bumpkin used to advance the progressive Motion of the Animal; which indeed is far different from the Custom and Practice of the Croatians; For whereas this man made his Beast proceed by thrusting at one en● the Tail; They make their ty●● Jades jog on by putting at th● other, the Foretop. We bega● to subscribe to Cartesius' opinion that Animals were Engines; F●● 'tis like, the Clockwork of th● Cow was somewhat disordered and the Machine (like a Jack● was run down and stood still, 〈◊〉 this Artist wound it up, and 〈◊〉 the movements a going.  
Being indifferently refreshed 〈◊〉 the virtue of that Passage, 〈◊〉 went forward very courageous and after a little time were presented with the prospect of another Scene, which was laid in Meadow by a Riverside, wh●● we overtook a Rat-catcher and Fisherman disputing Preceden●● and the Preeminency of th● Professions: The Rat-catcher 〈◊〉 gued that his Calling was most w●●thy, in regard the object of 〈◊〉 Art was a vocal Creature, whereas that of the Fisherman's was dumb and silent; besides Rats are educated in Courts and Palaces, are more choicely bred, and have a more delicate diet, than Fish, to seed on; Plentiful Reversions of Rost and Boiled, luxurious fragments, and the magnificent ruins of Pudding and Pastry are their common dishes; only sometimes they pop on a piece of Bread and Butter not of so wholesome a relish, that is, a little Arsenic spread for 'em on the trencher of a Chip, these are the Viands of this domestic Vermin; whereas Worms and Flies, and vile Infects, and perhaps a hook to boot, are the best Fare that is eaten by Fishes. The Fisherman replied, that Fish themselves were food for men, but it was never known that Rats were in season, unless in the extremity of a Siege or Famine.  
We left these Fellows very 〈◊〉 in controversy, which could 〈◊〉 be decided, and passed on, till 〈◊〉 length we arrived to a little kno●● or Asterism of houses standing, 〈◊〉 rather lying on the Crump of a Hi●●rais'd somewhat proudly above 〈◊〉 ordinary level; and methought look● down with somewhat 〈◊〉 Disdain upon the Humble V●●lies. Who was the Founder 〈◊〉 this Hamlet is not certainly know● but we perceived the Thacker h●● been a great Benefactor. As 〈◊〉 the Nativity of the Place, 〈◊〉 Foundation was laid under an 〈◊〉 fortunate Configuration of the Heaven's: so that the Tinkers and Ca●●lers, and the dregs of manki●● that dwelled there; expected 〈◊〉 Prosperity, nor hoped to be 〈◊〉 vanced and sublimated into 〈◊〉 Flower of the People. The ma●● stress of Government lay upon 〈◊〉 shoulder of a single man, who wa● bearward by Office, and being ●●e most substantial Person was thought fit to be invested with ●●e sole Authority of the Township; A most proper Magistrate 〈◊〉 such wild Savages! We observed that this Village had as ma●y ways into it, as it had ways 〈◊〉 of it, which were equal in ●●mber to the Points of the Com●●ss. The purling Brook that ●●wl'd by it, the reeking Dunghill that breathed within it, the crook-backed Elm that stands cringing near it, and the Pack- saddle ●●eeple that stood squinting over 〈◊〉 made a pretty Draught of an and some Landscape.  
The Inhabitants of this place ●ere much addicted to the vice of ●●ealing; every thing sticks to ●●eir Pitchy Fingers, and they ●ave such an attractive virtue, that, wherever they come, all things ●ot after the Magnetism of their Persons. A Fellow squotting ●●on a cricket in a room we w●●● in, and rising up from his se●● the stool on a sudden (as if ta●●● to his A—) immediately mar●●● after him, to the great amazement of the woman of the house, w●● did not suspect that his Bum 〈◊〉 hands, or that her Stool so n●●bly could have used its legs. A●●ther espying a Cylinder of B●●● pudding pretty thick in the 〈◊〉 lolling upon the table, whilst 〈◊〉 Hostess turned her back, in 〈◊〉 very twinkling of her head, pocu●●● it into Fob, and so shrouded its Dimensions into a sec●●● Bag.  
The approaching night and 〈◊〉 wearied limbs compelled us 〈◊〉 lodge among these Teneme●●● Having almost worn out our se●●● by tedious Travel, we resol●●● here to repair our breeches: 〈◊〉 (alas!) this mending (I allude Taylourism) was little better than mere Botching. For, whereas we thought to have renewed nature, and to have recreated our Palates with the pleasant wholesomeness of Rural Delicacies, we could scarce so much as even patch her up with the hurden Accommodations of a red-latticed Inn; The foretop of a Carrot, and a few parched Pease were our choicest Provender, which filled our cavities so full of wind, that we thought we had got the Four Quarters in our Bells, which made such Squibs of our Breeches, that (like the fifth of November) we were continually discharging of Rockets and Crackers.  
The next day dressed with Aurora, nay before she had put on her Indian gown, we set out with the Sun, who bearing us company but a little while withdrew into an apartment behind a cloud, at whose absence the Heavens frowning and contracting their brows, did presently fall a crying and wept such plentiful showers of tears, that they moistened our skin● with the Deluge of their Grief. But that which terrified us most of all, was water which we saw of several colours, sometimes red, and sometimes black; which put us in mind of those Prodigious Rains the Philosophers speak of, Blood and Ink; But overtaking a Collier and Red-ochre man, we perceived 'twas the Distillations of their Buggets. But that which gave wings to time, and made it fly merrily while we were in the company of these Vagrants, were the frequent Quarrels that were broached between them, which at length were improved into severe Buffet. The Object of both their Occupations lies hid in the Earth, and they work like Moles, whose Employ is underground, and (like a certain Fish) they take their colour from the place they converse in. The Collier thumped with tincturing-fist the Red-man, black; and the Red man died with Vermilion- blow the Blackman, red; so that we never saw before such a party coloured Courbat, such a Fool's-coa●ed conflicts, wherein thelst out Champions were so mutually disguised, that they seemed to be Amphituoed, and to be wholly transformed into each others Person.  
After another days Travel in Dust and Sun, we saluted a good handsome Town, not a little resembling in crookedness a middlesized shooing horn; At the entrance into it, the uncarpetness (as I may say) of the Floor, or (in other words) the unevenness of the streets somewhat dislocating the position of our almost tripped up feet, had like to have demolish us, and to have thrown us dow● backward, but to prevent the S●loecism of kissing the place at wron● end, we recovered our fall, an● went bolt upright into the nave● of the Coporation, where the●● was such an Assembly of Provisions as represented a market, whic● was unhappily disturbed by an unfortunate accident; For a certain Bull of an uncertain man having mistaken his box, and taken peppe● in the nose instead of Snush, a●● being enraged and heated by th● virtue of the Spice, took a ris● about the Cross, and emptied b● his Ramble all Stalls and Panniers so that this Brisk Customer made 〈◊〉 scrambling kind of Dinner for th● whole Country; who was riding upon one another's backs for Uplands and Booty, and was tumbling among the ruins of Bake● Victuallers, and Costermonger We were informed that this Town was much infested with the unwelcome Visitants, Rats and Mice; insomuch that the Inhabitants have a Rat-catcher at a certain Pension, as the only Talis-man against such noxious Vermin.  
Having left this Town behind us, we come to a Wood on our left hand, nigh unto which was a discontented Fountain murmuring as it run (we did not inquire a what) and bubbling forth seemingly much Dissatisfaction. This wood was a promiscuous Rabble of all vegetables. A throng of trees of all ranks and qualities; we refreshed ourselves a little under this natural Arbour, and being pretty and cheerful in this circumstance of Place; one of our Caravan began to express his joy in some notes of Music, who as soon as he began to strike up with his Pite (thinking he had but one) he presently preceiv'd it to be multiplied into an Organ, and wondered (with the Bumpkin that pulled at the Bellows) that he had so much Harmony in him▪ For you must know hereabouts dwelled a thing called an Eceho, who as soon as she heard but Sol, Fa● whipped! she improved the melody into a noise and consort: and presently increased those single note into the whole Gamut; and mos● neatly played the wag with th● tail of his voice! being a ver● pretty Songster, that sings well b● th' Ear. But while Lugier was so laced with the tattling Reverberation of voice, our eyes were ravished with a most delicate Prospect; For here was a most pleasant champion piece of ground which extending and roaming 〈◊〉 self some Furlongs in length, w●● furnished with all the Excellent that ever commended the mo●● transporting Elysium; the Air w●● lullabyed as still and quiet as Dormant Infant; the Day was Orient, bright and clear; the Earth (like a Forester) was clad in green. The Figure of this Field was a Parallellogrammum, the Style was situate South-East-by North, and consisted of a climax of three rails, over which we conveyed ourselves by Elevation of Leg; near the entrance into the Meadow, we observed an hole or casement in the hedge, which we perceived the Hogs had oftentimes threaded; but the Hedger had glazed it with a pane of Furze.  
Having ambled over some Furlongs on this (as it were) Newmarket Heath, we perceived it to degenerate and to grow worse and worse, and (like an handsome neck of Mutton) to determine in the unevenness of a Rock, or Scrag. A little while after we wound a Cordwainer, who (as he told us) was newly recovered from a sad mischance; For walking carelessly, one day he happened to have a fall, and to squot his Breech upon an Hedgehog, which he carried away as cleverly, (it clinging to his Buttocks) as if he had sat upon a ball of his wax; whether there is a sympathy between a Shoemaker's tail, and the skin of an Urchin, or whether the bristles of the Creature entered the pores of his Backside, we list not to decide that controversy now; but however the mortal complained that it was an uneasy cushion, and that that Spinny of Awls had made a cullender of his A—: But being not much concerned at the cerebrosity of his seivy Bum; The Ilet-holes whereof being not very deep, we went together, till we arrived to the roughness of the forementioned Downs, which did somewhat decline into an uneven Precipice, whose craggy stairs as soon as we had descended, we stumbled upon an House, or a Dunghill modelled into the shape of a Cottage, whose outward surface was so all to-be-negroed with such swarthy plaster, that it appeared not unlike a great blot of Cow-turd: This Structure stradled ●ver about eight els of ground, ●bove the surface whereof the ●ves were advanced about two ●ards, and the Chimney peeped ●ut about a Foot above the Eves; ●he light flowed in through the old circumference of a bottomless Peck; which being stuck in the Thatch, supplied the place of an Orbicular Casement. The Door-way was a ●reach in the wall toward one end, which being of a dwarfish size, i. e. too Foot lower in stature than an ordinary Man, we were forced to a●ridge our Dimensions, and to creep in. The Parlour, H●● Kitchen, i. e. one Room which was prettily adorned with the P●●try of Ballads; a crippled Pip●● with a broken shin, near allied a Dish of the same matter; a vo● Spoon with a Whistle at the en● and a Tipsy Cradle reeling in t●● corner, (methoughts) were a pr●●ty sort of Goods, and not unhandsome Furniture. A whole Lit●●● of Children was strewed upon t●● Floor; only one Mopp-headed B●● was Triposed on a Cricket, a●● blew the Fire; The carved Ma●●tle-tree seemed to be defended 〈◊〉 a little wooden Fellow furious strutting in an Oaken Cloak; a● we perceived the Window was ●●dors'd with the Picture of a 〈◊〉 We observed that the bulky C●●board was a Nuisance to the wh●●● Family of Householdstuff, wh●● it had mightily disobliged by 〈◊〉 trenching on their Liberties, they grudging it so much room; and indeed the Table, Bed, and other Utensils have not suffered a little detriment by its injurious Contiguity. We had a Prospect of whole Territories about this Building, which though not large, yet were exceedingly well fortified; a little Hedge being a palizado on one side, and a narrow Trench instead of a Bulwark on the other: The Continuity of the Mound was violated by a Notch in the corner to set a Style in; over which when we had passed, we espied a Bank like a little Hybla, caped with a Hive of Bees, which this small Eden curiously carved, and (as it were) Quincunxed into a Knot, did feast with the moisture of its delicious Flowers. Leaving the Phylacteries of this Yard, we met the Good-Housewife of this little Tenement with her Tippet bristling, 〈◊〉 Mouth mumping, and her Han● knitting; she had a Cade Lamb her Rear, attending upon her, a●● a Kitten in the Van, conducting 〈◊〉 home.  
We followed our Noses fro● hence, and were directed by 〈◊〉 Clue of a long Hedge; which af●●● a great extent in length, we fou●●● to be Tagged with a rough La●● turning from which a little towa●●● the right, we overtook a Chur●● standing (like an Ace) and m●●ping by itself, at some distan●● from the Town; which wheth●● it run from the Parish, or the P●rish from it, we are not as yet informed; though we have most re●son to suspect the latter; in rega●● as to outward appearance t●● weak Constitution of the Fabric seemed not much to be addicted run. It seemed to be very cra●● ●nd had a mussler of Ivy, which we presume were instead of ●rutches; For whereas that feeble Vegetable is usually upheld by the walls it clings to, we believe it was a Buttress here to support the Walls. But having saddened our Aspect with the melancholy looks of this desolate Temple, we took our leave of it, and shot directly ●own a Balk upon that profane Town to which it seemed to stand related. At our first salutation whereof, we chanced to pop into a dapper Alehouse, mightily stuffed with a huge Hostess, whose moisture distilling through the Pores of her Body, and being somewhat turned through excessive heat, struck our olfactive Nerves with so great a sowrness, that we had quite been overcome with this Vessel of Vinegar, had she not too much joged herself by an unhappy fall, and spilt a great quantity o● her unctuous Liquor.  
The Shoemaker conjectured tha● she had lost about five or six pound (averdupois) from her Rear behind, and presently concluded tha● she was in great danger of hanging all a-one-side, unless some charitable Person should poise her with thrust of assisting Nose. We had scarce primed our Pipes, but in comes a Law-jobber, accompanied with the Bum-brusher, or Schoolmaster of the place, who after some time, took occasion to show their skill and breeding at Fifty-cuffs, but (thanks to the Stars) without any danger to their Professions; For they did not so much aim at the head, as levelly their fury at each others heels, where their knowledge was supposed not to lie, though some hold that they have as much Learning at one end as they have at tother. The most remarkable thing in this Village was a Carrot-pate house at the Posteriours of the Town; it was covered with Tile, and was curiously contrived after the Italian Models. The Master that did animate, or the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 of this Stone-carcass (they told us) was lately dead: His Distemper was a Quarrel between his Belly and his Back; the one being bursten took pet and run away from the other, so that the poor Man being at a loss for a place to put his Victuals in, died with a conceit.  
S. Crispin's Disciple having a Mistress in this Lordship, and being almost within the Atmosphere of her presence, began to wind her, and had a great tendency to the place where she was; so that I might as soon expect that a stone should fall beyond the centre, as that this Gentle-crafts-man shou●● budge further; wherefore nothing was expected now but an immediate Divorce from each others company; but before we parted, 〈◊〉 obliged me with the Prospect bo●● of her Person and Fortune. 〈◊〉 for the first, as soon as I saw it, 〈◊〉 had greater reason to congratula●● my Eyesight than I had before for she was blest with a most ravishing Aspect, and a snug Face, mo●● prodigiously graced with a dain●● fine Nose, fastened in its middle which is not like some Snouts tha● look more upon one Cheek, tha● they do upon the other, but shew● equal respect to both, not at al● disobliging the right by fleering to● much on the left. And then fo● her Eyes, they are excellent a●● twireing, and will be sure to kee● her Nose safe, (I'll warrant you 〈◊〉 for one looks one way, and the other another. The Woman had a Mouth too, which was somewhat bigger than that of a Musket, though not twice as big as the capacious bore of a Blue Noggin. This Mouth she put but to one use, and that's the same that we put ours to, that is to eat three or four Meals in a day; for it seems whereas other Women often use theirs in prating and twattling, we perceived that this saved her Mouth and spoke through her Nose. As we have given you the Picture of her Person, so now let's present you with a Landscape of her Fortune. As for her Lands, that is, Pasture-ground, and Meadow, we could not discern, but that (like a spot upon the Globe) they took but little room upon the surface of the Earth, and (like the Possessions of Alcibiades) were but a little speck to the World. A little Muck would dung her Fallow; one hig● Table T— (to speak in the Oxford Dialect) will much enrich it and an Ear of Corn will go near to sow it; 'tis like she hath Grass enough for a couple of Rabbits Having surveyed the Paramour and the Portion of this Nivelling Cobbler, after a single sip of fixe● out of a Tin Pot, and a Trebl● go-down out of a cup of Doubl● after a right-line scrape with lef● Leg; and uncouth doffing of 〈◊〉 bad Bonnet, after slinking a Compliment by way of thanks for hi● Society, attended by his Coblerhood to the confines of a Yard, a●● the clasping together of two lowering Gates in the presence of a Corpulent and Burly Elm, I solemnly took leave of my Fellow-traveller. After his departure I wa● forced to beguile away the time 〈◊〉 the shady solitude of silent thought which before I spent in the brisker Entertainments of Discourse and Dialogue: I had not long busied my faculties with inward speculations, but I met with variety of Objects courting with their Flatteries my almost distracted Contemplations. I saw Three Stones so artificially set, that they represented the Figure of a convenient Style. Methoughts the Architecture of it was very curious; for one stone about a Foot square, being placed perpendiculary upright, its Northern Extremity was crossed by another at right Angles; on the other side whereof was erected another perpendicular correspondent to the former. The Position of these Materials made a pretty Fabric, over which a Man might commodiously pass; its surface was smooth, not tufted with snags, which are always catching and snarling at your , 〈◊〉 the great Disguise and Damage 〈◊〉 your Breeches; about two yard● distant there was a Cross delved i● the Earth, which seemed either a● Argument of Popish Superstition or a Sign or Mark of the Paris● Selvidge.  
Departing from hence, w● moved through a Close very populous with Mutton; there being (as it were) a whole Academy 〈◊〉 Sheep sizeing on a Hay-rick, no● bottled out into Commons, bu● Geometrically carved into goo● Sexangular Luncheons. ' Twa● Foot-cloathed (as it were) wit● Straw near five yards about, upo● which were tumbling a Bag-piper● and an Hocus, who wantoned s● long till (like Dogs) at last thei● Play determined in a sharp conflict The Man of Music buffeted th● Juggler to some tune, who adding two or three howls to the Notes of his Drone-pipe, by cleanly conveyance did vanish from him. The Piper appeared of a tawny Complexion, his Nose bending with an Arch upward; his Eyes being somewhat hollow, seemed to increase the promontory of his jetting Forehead. In a word, there was charm enough in his Aspect; He was well built, his whole Frame and contexture was sweet and regular; I must needs say, I have seldom met with any handsomer Model, or Platform of a Man. But though his Person was neat and uniform, yet his habit and garb was full of deformity, and there were as many Soloecisms and Incohoerencies on these, as there was Congruities and Beauty commendable in that. He wore a Miscellany of Apparel, a Gallimafry of , as I humbly conceive, 'twas a Tithe Suit, composed of various and several sorts; such a Club of Ragg● and Randesvouz of Fragments must needs be a Collection (like the Jerkin of the Jay) of sever●● Feathers from divers Birds. H●● Doublet (which indeed was b●● one great Patch in Folio) was v●ry heterogeneous from the rest 〈◊〉 his Attire; he had worn his La●pets into perfect Fringe, (so th●● he seemed to be surrounded wi●● the remnant of a Curtain) a●● had thin'd his Elbows into the first Principles. 'Twas of a Mou●●● colour hue, and (as near as could guests) it appeared to be t●● Result of an old Cloak; both 〈◊〉 first Crop and Latter-Math too we●● both worn off; and it was 〈◊〉 Threadbare, that it had alm●●● foundered three or four of his 〈◊〉 Lice; wherefore we advised 〈◊〉 to hang it no longer on a Kna●● back, but to condemn it to the Housewifery of a Shooe-clout. The Relics that were left of his tattered Breeches were one Story pendulous below his Coat. His Instrument (like a Gizzard) was tucked under his arm, which by shog of Elbow, he did hug into harmony, and squeeze out of its Womb most ravishing Ditties. We made but few Remarks on the Person of the Juggler, only we thought it appeared to be somewhat sleathy; his Noddle was shrouded under the Patronage of a colloped Hat, whose indented Margin being somewhat frail, declined from the equality of an Horizontal Position, and flapping inward on both sides, and hugging his Ears, forced the poor Man to look as it were through a Spout. He had a bunch of Ribbond in his hand, which possibly might be the effect of his last Vomit; fo● we suppose having had a surfeit o● Silkworms, and a Loom in hi● Throat, he can disgorge more at 〈◊〉 cast, than an ordinary Weave● can work in a week's time. Hi● little pointing-stick and Tin Dishes with other Implements of his Art made an horrible noise and combustion in his Pocket, even to th● terror and amazement of an Humble Bee, who was rioting on the Luxuries, and was wantonly basking on the Sunny Terrace of a magnificent Thistle. Nay, the jingling of his Tackle did alarm an Army of Wasps and Hornets, which lay encamped hard by under th● roof of a shady Furz bush; These made such an onset on Hocus with their Lansprizades, that making a Pin-cushion of his Body, they stuck it so full of Needles, that the Pungency of their Weapons, and Artillery piercing to the quick, made ●he poor fellow curvete and elevate himself nimbly into two or ●hree dancing Capreoles. He carried on his back as thick a Quickset of Stings as a Hog of Bristles. He was swelled to a triple proportion beyond what he was; his Hands were grown too big for his Pockets, and could have no reception into those narrow Closets. ●he circumference of his head was hugely increased beyond the Diameter of his Hat; so that the Con●exity of the former could not be contained within the Concavity of ●he latter. In a word, being magni●y'd beyond the fallacy of the best ●lass, his  were too little ●or his enlarged Dimensions; so ●hat he burst through the confines ●f his scanty case. Means presently was used for the levelling of ●his Mountainous Vagrant, and Hide-swoln; He was immediately plunged into a Bath of Hone● which though a present cure 〈◊〉 his Disease and Malady, yet w●● as great a cause of an inconvenience as bad; For a certain Be●● not far off got his Medicine in th● wind, and came galloping for 〈◊〉 lick of her admired Dainties; whi●● when the Juggler perceived, havi●● lost through fear the retentive Faculty, he adulterated her Dish 〈◊〉 a mixture of somewhat that w●● of the same colour, though not 〈◊〉 sweet. The Juggler hoofed it aw●● with a winged speed; the Be●● with a pair up and a pair dow● most swiftly pursued him. W●staid not to see the Issue of t●● Race, but advanced forward in regular progressive motion, wh●● after a little time were crossed 〈◊〉 a Rivulet, which wriggled alo●● with a crooked current; ow● which we conveyed ourselves by saltation. On the other side of the Bank was a little Arabia of Sand, enough (I suppose) to supply all the Hour-glasses in the Country, nay perhaps and that of Time too till the last minute; near this Mountain of Sand lay prostrate at length two Iron Wedges contiguous to a Block in Folio, which we supposed was to be rend into collops, and to become a Sacrifice to hungry Vulcan. There was a numerous Family of chips about it, which were different in shape, colour, and bigness, so that they seemed not to be the offspring of the same Parent; they lay in a Chaos without any order, amidst which confusion the unlucky Gibeonite that hewed them lost the head of his Axe: The Decollation whereof seemed ominous to the Man, and made him superstitiously leave his work: My 〈◊〉 and a couple of Gadarens th●● were driving Swine, made a di●●gent scrutiny for the Noddle 〈◊〉 the Tool; which after some ti●● we perceived to lie entombed und the Mausoleum of a good lus● shaving. We did not perceive that it was much damnifyed by 〈◊〉 retirement, only the dampness 〈◊〉 its Urn did somewhat abate a●● obscure the eagerness of its edg● and the Lustre of its Aspect. 〈◊〉 delivered it into the hands of 〈◊〉 Owner, who presently fastened 〈◊〉 to the shoulders to which it 〈◊〉 belong.  
After a small offering of tha● for our careful search, the Swi●● herds turned to the left, and 〈◊〉 wheeling to the right, after 〈◊〉 had joged over some few Acre● a phlegmatic and cold constit●●on, most happily popped on 〈◊〉 warmer Turf of a pleasant Cornfield. 'Twas fringed about with a Mound of Elder-trees, whose ambitious height, and luxurient Branches gave impregnable security to ●he nestling Birds. The Diameter ●f a Path run through the midst, whose Poles were transverse or thwarted the hinges of the World. 'Twas environed on both sides with 〈◊〉 Sea of Corn, which being moved ●y the breath of Aeolus, (that Bellows of the World) what a Flux and Re-flux was there of ●aves of Wheat! We passed through this Territory and Dominion of Ceres with the most exalted delight. How did that Goddess 〈◊〉 in Triumph there! What crowds of Clients bowing their ears to her Commands and Dictates? Every ●and was parted with the Isthmus of a Balk, on several of which ●y the Habiliments of the Harvesters; An extended sleeve of a Red Waistcoat, embracing the collar of a Leathern Jump, and touching the hem of a grafted Petticoat, presented us with the Idea of a pretty Wardrobe. We went out of this Enclosure through the western passage of a three-raild Gate: Upon which there did directly shoot the aged Fragments of a decrepit wall; which over-topping our stature in height and tallness, we were forced to add to our quantity a Nine-inch-stone, that raising our Dimensions we might peep over it. There was scarce any thing remarkable on the other side, unless a vast Rolling-pin of humane ordure. 'Twas four Inches Diameter, and probably discharged from a Musket bore, and that near upon the confines of a tuft of Wormwood, whose bitter scent mixed with the unsavouryness of Excrementitious Atoms breathed a medley kind of stink, and gave but ordinary entertainment to our offended Nostrils. Among the Ruins of this Mound we discovered the Snout and some other Limbs of a murdered Dial; It was not so defaced, but that we could discover in its Physiognomy some martyred Figures, that were yet legible, and there were some Relics of Lines, that were not quite obliterated. Time I presume (being vexed perhaps that it should observe its motions) hath set its Grinders in it, and out of envy and malice hath quite devoured it. I am apt to think that this pile of Stones stood in its Native Country, where 'twas first bred, as may be conjectured from an adjacent Pillar, whose pregnancy (we fancy) produced this litter of Stones, it being the Mother of these rocky Babes. We advanced to the Orifice of this Lapideous Womb, where were hewing Mortals, by cruel Midwifery digging out the Offspring of teeming Earth. 'Twas an unpolished spectacle, and the Workmen were a● rough and uneven as the Prospect▪ and the Artificers were as intractable and stubborn as the Materials, or Object of their Art. Two of the most Brawny Paviers stood lolling by the Mattock that picked them out, and a single one in a decumbent posture lay prostrate at their feet, whose Northern Extremity performed the Office of a Pedestal to the Embryo of a Statue, which was but newly hatched, and fashioned in a bed of Sand▪ The Declivity of a corner near the entrance into th' Pit gave occasion to the water to stagnate into 〈◊〉 Puddle; through which we did not sail, though the trajection was very short, but fetching a circuit about its shore, we went out at the passage through which we entered. But no sooner had we conveyed ourselves out of this hole, but after we had traced o'er some few Furlongs of a grassy Pavement, a certain Moiety of our Bodies popped into another, and a few steps after some of our feet happened into a third; and a little while after, falling down, our hands were buried in two more. We wondered who had punched so many Eyelet-holes in the Earth's skin, till seeing a Robin Run-a-hole sit mumping (like a Troglodyte) in his house under ground, we perceived the Enclosure we were in, was a well peopled Warren: We had a frisk or two after the Inhabitants of the place; but their Heels prevented our design on their Scuts, for the nimbleness of the one secured them from imposition of Salt on the other. The Sanctuary of their Burrows defended them from the violence of all Persecutions. Their Cells were contiguous, nay in some place they had broken down the Partitions, and by a frequent Burglary did invade the privacy of each others apartments. The Dragon that kept this Garden of Coneys was a Zamzummin in stature, a second Goliath, whose hand was Quarterstafft with a mighty Bea●. They told us of an Hercules or two that came to encounter this Keeper, who ('tis said) did so out-club the Yermin, that instead of an Auger hole, he made them earth themselves in the Asylum of a Coney-hole. The Burrow of the Keeper stood near the centre of his Dominions, being the Metropolitan Seat of that little Nation of Rabbits. The Architecture of the Fabric was not contemptible, being stately in height, whose top was crowned with the magnificence of Turrets, whose vigilant loftiness had an eye to the security of the circumjacent Region: The biggest wonderment we beheld about it, was, That its Head did not shoot so far upward into one Element, but its Feet sunk as low downward into another, it standing kneedeep, nay almost up to the Wast in Earth, having as many Stories under ground as it had above. Whether the Bucks or Does were the Pioners that dug those Cellars, or whether the Architect designed them on purpose to prevent the undermine of those notable Delvers, we are not so well able to determine. We espied in a corner a wooden Stratagem or two, on purpose to entrap (we supposed) ensnaring Reynard, so that that living Gin, so fatal to Pullen, died himself in a wile, and one Trap was trapan'd by another. 'Twas a well contrived Ambush, and pretty handsomely victualled with a good lusty Temptation, which so wrought upon Reynard, that he could not by any means resist its charms, though 'tis thought he was as wise a Fox as any in Aesop, whom we never met with, without a piece of Morality tacked to their Tails.  
Having passed the Bounds of this Rabbet-Limbo, it was not long before we were embraced within the confines of a spot of ground like an Orchard; For the Ranges of Vegetables gave us a shrewd suspicion that Pomona had had her residence in that place: Here Autumnus stood lolling under the pressure of a Burden, being scarce able to bear so many wreaths of Fruit. His Head was crowned so, that it bowed with Apples; so that shaking his ears as we passed through, he did so pelt us with a shower, that the unlading of his Noddle made fractures in our Pates, and raised tumors in sinciput as big as Kentish Pippins. The place was pretty populous with Trees, the squadrons whereof seemed to be well disciplined, standing in their Ranks, and as it were in Battle-array like a well ordered Army. Here were several degrees of Vegetables in wonderful subordination one under another from the Commonalty of Shrubs to the Majesty of a Cedar. Here were Inferior and Superior, and (as it were) Dignifyed Fruit-Trees; among whom there stood a Pear-Tree, I suppose Lord Primate of the Hierarchy. In a South-west corner we espied a few vermiculating Hops, wriggling like worms up the Pyramid of a Pole; near which stood an Elm-Tree in the Arm● of Ivy, which hugged it so close that it was almost incorporated in to it by its clasping Embraces. The Posteriours of the Elm-Tree wen● most barbarously chastised by the Prinkles of a Bramble, which the Breath of Aeolus would often mov● with smart Jerks. One of ou● company taking an occasion 〈◊〉 pass by one of these unseen Brian they presently had their Talon● clawing upon his back, and frighted the Man as much as the Bush di● Demonsthenes, which catching his by the Coat, made him (supposing it to be an Enemy) to cry ou● for Quarter: But the Fellow being cased in Leather, and the Buffu●● of his Coat being Armor-pro●● against the Bristles and (as it were) Hedghogism of their Prickles, they could not fasten their Fangs in his Garment, wherefore (thanks to his Stars) the Man had no hurt, but was blessed with a great deliverance. Toward the bottom of this Orchard lay prostrate the Trunk of a slain Myrtle, and that not far from the verge or shadow of a Copse of Beans, pretty tall in stature, and well branched; by the Coverlets we saw there should be Beds not far off, I suppose they were the Lodgings of Carrots, Turnips, and of other Roots. There were Cabbages grown to a commendable globosity, the roundness whereof tempted us to a Game at Football; we banded them about sufficiently, and made some of them caper over a Ten-foot wall. One of the Gamesters was his just in the mouth, the bore whereof being too little for the Bullet, could not receive it into its Orifice, but however it gelded and dampt its fury, so that it did not retort with violence to the injury and detriment of any body else. We had sweat longer at the Recreation and Olympic sport of Kick-Cabbage, had not the Breath of Cloacina (her habitation being near) been so strong, and been a nuisance unto us.  
So that being stunk out of our Quarters, we turned our Quarters upon the stink, and travelled over a Grate into a Churchyard: The Track of our path lay between the Mansion house of the Levite on the left hand, and the Church on the right; behind which towards the South there stood or lay (we cannot tell which) a weatherbeaten Tomb, which was Mouse-eaten at one end by that Vermind Time, that nibbles all things: It seemed to be an inverted Hog-Trough turned topsy-turvy with its muzzle downward; but whether it was or not, or whether it was purposely erected as a Monument to preserve the memory of those Ashes that lay under it, we cannot tell, though we have some reason to suspect the Former, in regard there were so many Swine a digging about, who with the natural Spades of their noses, had almost made a Pit-hole for the Stone, and so had like to have buried one grave in another. Here was a whole Herd of Swine a rooting as if they had been turned in on purpose to root up Christians, as they are in the Fields in Italy to dig up Turffles. A little Wall lay skulking about this Territory of the Dead, which we supposed was placed there as a Bulwark to their Ashes but it proved but a feeble Fence against the intrusion of the Lambs who made frequent Capreoles in to this adjacent Dormitory: The mound was raised a little, and caped with Turf, and environed with the hollowness of a good handsome Ditch; but yet, neither Cap nor Ditch could keep these Animals from l●ap-frogging over them, from grazing in a Charnel house, and from turning a Coemitery of Shades and Ghosts in to a Feeding Pasture of hungry Beasts.  
We mounted this wall, an● moved on towards the Westers' period of our intended Journey The bordering close was pimpled with molehills, which seemed bu● young Protuberances not blistered into the bigness of some neighbouring Banks. Leaving thi● ground behind us, we descended the Declivity of an adjoining Pasture pretty well bearded or bristled with Thorns and Bushes; ●nd so passed through a Farmer's ●ard, where we saw an Alps of Straw, with Swine (instead of Snow) a grovelling a- top on't; which put us in mind of the Ambition of Goats, who are always clambering up the crags of Rocks. The Western Extremity of the Wheat-Hovil shot directly up the Barn, an Appendix to which stood ●he Apartment of the Hogs, over which was perched a Roost for Poultry.  
Not far from this Country Tusculum stood the Island of a house ●n the embraces of a Moat, like Ticho's Vranoberg in the midst of the Sea; An ancient Pile, a Reverend Nest of as Venerable a Bird, which having taken her Flight hath left it a solitude. The greatest Observables were a little silent Bell in Duodecimo, which being utterly Disleepled, hung between the collops of an old wa● or rather a Mortar inversed, whic● had lost its Pestle, so that it wi●● not vocal by stroke of intern Clapper, but by knocks and blow of external Hammer; within th● found of this Bell stood a lolling washing-Block; being a woody kind of Anvil, where the S●● Vulcan's were hammering out wit● Battle-Door the Filth of Linne● whose unctuous Distillations we●● the Nile that watered the litt●● Egypt of the adjacent garden.  
Having moved from this Mansion about three or four Furlon● we passed by the skirts of a rota●● Engine, in shape not unlike 〈◊〉 House, being pack-salled at T'●● with a aridge: it seemed to sta●● upon stilts, and to be a moving Habitation like those of the Geteses. 'Twas prefaced with a Portico, into which we ascended by a scale of Stairs. The whistling Wind breathed a Vertigo in its Pate, whose giddyness communicating a motion to its Grinders, made it whirligig the grain into Flower. A little distant from hence beyond a small sandy Desert stood a Village, whose Steeple was in its centre, not unlike the Mast of a Ship. This Tower as to outward appearance had a Portly Person: yet they told us it had the imperfection of Dumbness; it having been Dis belled for some years. They were alarmed to Church by the Report of a Musket, which the Clerk (being an eminent Guner) did usually discharge at every man's Door. This Clerk was a Weaver by Trade, and had relation to a Loom, where in he had been ambling for several years with one Foot up an● the other down, and with all 〈◊〉 treading hath scarce got clo●● enough to repair the Breaches 〈◊〉 his tattered Elbows. They to●● us that his Trade and he had lat●ly been at Cuffs, and are just u●on parting, it being such a Lim● wagging Profession, that he is notable to endure the Penance 〈◊〉 it. This man had wonderful ski●● in sweeping the Church, and 'tis thought could tell what a Clo●● 'twas at the South Dial as well 〈◊〉 most Astronomers; He was also 〈◊〉 pretty Man of his hands for singing; For when the Tune one Su●day had ambled from him into th● Chancel, and had almost cough a fall among the Non-songsters really they told us that this Notable Man gave it such a ne● jerk, as that he twitch it into the Church strangely. Now (I say.) for the Clerk to have a rare knack of securing the Hymn from those that would steal it, Oh! 'tis an execllent thing! The most remarkable things in this Town were an Ecclesiastical Wall made of Soecular Mud, which mounded in the Introduction of the Parsonage: it afforded secure Harbour to Vagrant Bees, who randevozing here, became a Colony; They made so many Cells in it, that it appeared to be the Fragment a Reverend Hony-Comb. Not far from this grew a Tree in Folio, an huge, thick, squot Elm, pounded within the circumferences of 4 Benches, which we supposed to be seats made a purpose for the Posterns of Spectators, when Whitsun-Ale is solemnised with Festivity of Fiddle, and celebrated with Caper after Pipe and Tabour.  
Immediately after our Depa●ture from this place, night overtook us, whose Sables eclipsing th● Splendour of the Day, shortness our course, and crookened our Career aside to look for a Lodging An happy Retrospect obliged 〈◊〉 with the Prospect of glimmering Thatch, which the nearer we approached, the more visibly it appeared in the shape of an House. 〈◊〉 was called by way of Irony a Cas●●● whose Governor was a decay 〈◊〉 Tailor, who having lost through an unfortunate hole of his Pocken his Needles, Thimble, those Chattels of his Breeches, and Implements of his Vocation, was reduced to poverty. The Man wa● nimble of foot, though a Dwarf 〈◊〉 bulk, so that nine of such mig●● very well club to the elementing 〈◊〉 a Man. After a small Collation a Tripe and Buttermilk, we tripped 〈◊〉 a Ladder to the apartments of our several Cabins, where with the Poppies of sleep we refreshed our Noddles to the great comfort and satisfaction of our wearied Carcases. After Valediction to Pricklouse, the next morning we set out with the Sun, and had not went above a mile or two, but we heard the rumour of a sad disaster which had lately befallen a Country Corydon, which was the loss of a whole pound of Candles, supposed to be stolen by some highway Rat at one Robbery. The Relations were various as to the manner of the theft; some say he carried them away behind him like a burden of sticks; others say, that he hung them by his side like Bandeliers, but most agree that he laid them upon his shoulder one by one, and ran armed away with the Luminaries as with so many Muskets. We were somewhat amazed at the horror of that sad story, fearing lest we ourselves should be a Prey to those bold Banditi, who being pretty greasy, seemed to be a good handsome Bait, and so being mistaken for Ratsbane might be pouched by the Vermin: But (thanks to the Stars) we escaped the Fate of the Bishop 〈◊〉 Mentz, and marched on upon the Forehead of a smooth Mountain upon the summity whereof squo●ted another Hill; but it bore n●● proportion to the seat it sat on being but a Pimple to it, as tha● was but a Molehill to the whol● Globe; it put us in mind of P●●●lion clambering upon the back 〈◊〉 Ossa, that false Heraldry of th● Giants, Hill upon Hill, by whic● Bunches they thought to hav● scaled Heaven; the Crown of th● uppermost was somewhat depress and sunk into the hollowness of a little Valley, about which stood the natural Bannisters of some Thorn-bushes, whose folding Branches weaved into a Lattice, which threaded by the Sunbeams dappled the ground with a pleasant checquer-work, and yielded besides a good handsome shade to the panting Sheep, whose Fleeces discovered them to have taken sanctuary here against the Persecutions of the violent heat; for the Cattle feeding within the covert, and rushing through the Brake, every Briar took Toll of their Coats, and excised their Backs as fast as they filled their Bellies; on every spring there hung a Fragment of their Liveries, and the whole hedge was clothed with tattered Fleeces, as if Wool had been vegetable and had grown there. These spoils were looked upon as excellent Booty to vagrant Youth, who went about stripping, plundering, and (as it were Sheep shearing the hedges: W● met a crew of these Pickeering Wool-gatherers, the very Emblem● of Beggary, and but once removed from vilest Rascality; one Shoo● apiece, and half a Hat, a Remnant of a Doublet, and a Moiety 〈◊〉 a Sleeve, a pair of Dispocket Bre●ches, and a jagged Jump, wen● the flower of their Accoutrements except two or three locks of Wo●● tucked like Scuts under their Girdles as a Badge of their profession and some crammed Stockings bobbing at their sides as Trophies of thei● Piracies.  
Some few Furlongs from hen●● there was a mixed Assembly of Ki●● and Goats at dinner upon th● Lawns; their Meal was interrupted by the unwelcome salutes 〈◊〉 troublesome Breeze, whose stimulation of Rump did engender suc● a Frolic, that with curled Tail and toss'd-up Horn they run gadding and bellowing, and with their vocal Frisking, with a pleasant kind of terror, did at once both recreate and affright the astonished Beholders: The Magistrate or Herdsman, that kept these Animals, was in the midst of the Tumult, who finding himself miserably involved in a Hubbub, with furious Club chastised their Gamesomness, and with mighty bussing becalmed the uproar. This Fellow was a strange Creature, wonderfully Gothed, and all-to-be-vandalled even to Barbarity itself. A Clown in grain! An uncultivated Boor! A Beast of the Herd in humane shape. We proposed a Quaery or two about the Genius of the Place; he told us the Soil was cold, and big with clay, and would doubtless yield a good Harvest of Tobacco-pipes: And as for the People, he said they were a Pan-pudding sort of People, much addicted to that vile sort of Creature. A whole Table at a Christening is spread with a Yard of Pudding, and a Balk of Beef, a Ridge of one and a Furrow of the other, which did so wonderfully work upon their Chaps, and made their mouths so water, that two of the chiefest Grandees of the Town, the Hogherd and the Heyward fell seriously to snouting for some few Morsels: the two-eared Pitcher that stood upon the Bench was Mr. Prinned in the scuffle, i. e. lost a Lugier in the Fray; and we were informed afterward that the Distaff lost a Lock or two of its Flaxen Periwig.  
Among Rational wonders the most remarkable Miracle of this Place, was an eminent Cotquean, a mere Woman in the habit of a Man, a kind of Mal-cut-pursed Creature, an Epicoene Animal of a twisted Gender, who hath a Petticoat Soul in a Trunk-breeched Body, and scandalizeth Virility by skill in Housewifery. He spins (they say) like a Spider, and makes his Wheel giddy by a swift Vertigo; we observed him to be stately in his gate when he advanceth up to Spindle; and indeed was retrograde again with no little Gravity. He is a learned Craftsman in the making of Diet, a notable Food-Framer, who buffets the Cream till he hath frighted it ●nto a consistence, and knocked it ●nto Butter, and afterward squeezes with dexterity of Fist. He was endowed with the gift of tossing of Pancakes, and had a wonderful knack at tempering the Materials of a Bag-pudding. He surpassed the Dairy-maids in Mil●-pan accomplishments, and was excellently qualified for a Meal-Tu● Office. He squeezed the Curd● with Cheese-press Bum, and knea●● the Dough with fulch of Elbow He is a Critic at sweeping, an● manageth the Besom with mighty skill. We could hardly disce●● any more of dust, he having dislodged from Crevice even the smallest Atoms; we were dazzled wit● the Sunshine of his radiant Brass which was exceedingly enlightened by modern cleansing, he being 〈◊〉 singular scowrer, and very knowing and able at Sand and Oiste●shel.  
This Hen-Hous wife-Mortal lived a monkish kind of Life, bein● cloistered up in a desolate habitation of a certain Gentleman, who we suppose, does fee him to dwe●● there to affright the Mice, and 〈◊〉 be a Bullbeggar to the Rats; and also to terrify a worse kind of Vermin which we call Thiefs, who are apt to creep through the Mousehole of a window, and to ●ibble away the Furniture of a dispossessed house: or possibly he might abide there to repair its ●reaches, and to recover it from ●ts craziness, and by the wholesome Physic of frequent Fires to ●eep it in health, and to persuade ●t not to tumble, but to remain till a Mansion to the Family that ●wns it.  
We tasted here of the Hospitality of this foemasculine wight, ●ho spread a Joynt-stool with several sorts of Viands; which ●●ough not very delicate, yet the ●ariety might atone and make a●ends for their meanness. Here ●as the Epidermis of a Hog, the outward skin called the Sword of Bacon, which was infected with the Jaundice, and looked yellow▪ here was the Hull of a Pesco● plundered of its Pease, and corned with Salt, some broken Fragment of Sheep's Trotters S. Lawrenc'● on a Gridiron; the offal of 〈◊〉 Lark, the minced Spurs of a Boo●less Cock, a skimed Quadrant 〈◊〉 soft Cheese, well sauced with th● Butt-ends of forked Scallions, th● mouldy reversion of an Antiquated Loaf dipped in the verdure of W●ter-cresse Pottage, afforded us th● refreshment of a pretty Collation by the virtue whereof being some what recruited, we moved for ward and crep up the Brisket of small Mountain, upon whose sloa●ing descent stood a Quadrangular Sheep-pen, which we passed through and found pitched with Buttons, 〈◊〉 pretty sort of Floor and Mode●● Mosaic. Not far from the mo●● eastern hurdle (as near as we could observe) leaned a ruinous Bridge, which gloried in the passage but of one Arch, and that seemed rather Natural than Artificial; for the Impetuosity of the Current having bored an hole through a heap of stones, licked it into the shape of an indifferent Arch: At the Foot whereof stood a Smith's Shop, about a Bay of watling; ●t seemed to be a pretty reverend Seat as we gathered from the Mantle of Green Moss upon its back. Though it was covered with stubble without, yet it was pretty tolerably furnished with Iron within, ●s threadbare Horseshoes, bits of Keys, some few semicircles of ●ron Rings, odd Links of interrupted Fetters, and a broken Series of a discontinued Chain. The Vulcan was in his Den, and was ●ammering out Hobnails for Country hoof. His Forge w●● raised from the ground like an A ●tar, upon which there did bur● (as it were) a Vestal Fire, whi●● blast of Bellows made much 〈◊〉 bubble up in this little Mongibel What Cinders were belched fro● this flaming Vesuvius, whose smo●● and ashes besmutted the Pluto 〈◊〉 this Infernal Region! who havi●● Primitive Apparel, i. e. bei●● skinned over with a Case of Leath●● and having a swarthy Complexion, did with the grimness of 〈◊〉 Aspect, and with the horrib●● russel of his Breeches, fright o● of the Dogs of our company i● a fit of sickness; we imagined 〈◊〉 Cur might mistake him for a T●●ker, who is commonly a Dise●● or at least a Nuisance to those Cr●●tures.  
We saw nothing hereabouts v●●● remarkable, only we met seve●●● Mastiffs laden with the Cargo of good lusty Bones in their mouths; they were ambling eastward; a very fine spectacle to see a Regiment of Curs trooping along instead of Bilboa, armed with Shoulderblades. We wondered at first from whence such plenty of Anatomy as to furnish them, till spying the Carcase of a dead Palfry, we perceived they had been feasted with the Viands of his Flesh, and stole the Skeleton Piece-meal. A Baker chanced to come by through a Gap near at hand, mounted upon just such another Morsel, ripe for Collar-maker, which being surprised with the spectacle of his Brother Carrion, took an occasion to start, and to disburden himself of his Load; which sad misfortune proved a lucky accident to the Dogs, whereby they were furnished with Bread to their Meat.  
Not far from hence was a scu●● Slough, most fatal (as is observ●● to Millers, whom it sups up i● the Abyss of its profundity; 〈◊〉 saw one moving a-tit-up, a-tit- 〈◊〉 till he flounced in, and by a m●●● disastrous Pitch-pole into mud a●● dirt, discoloured his Coat, th●● was candied with the effluviums 〈◊〉 his mealy Bags. The Necklace 〈◊〉 Bells about the crest of his Be●●● ceased to be sonorous, being qui●●● choked. His Meal through frig●● and moisture was metamorpho●●● into Pudding; and spunging 〈◊〉 the Liquos, it grew so heav● that it thrived into such unweil●ness, as that it was almost 〈◊〉 movable: we cautelously wa●● the danger of this dirt by dive●ing a little toward the northe●● parts of this Quagmire, and so 〈◊〉 a dainty fine Path, and that 〈◊〉 meanly beautified with vari●●● of Flowers, we continued our ●ourney very prosperously, only ●ne of our company had a most calamitous fall over an unhappy clod of the first magnitude, which undermining his Pedestals, gave him a preposterous squob, his head saluting the ground first, to the great detriment of the outward man. There run parallel with this Path a pitched Causey (as we supposed) about ten Furlongs, we stepped into it, and followed its tract till it brought us into the desert of a Common, not so much as accommodated with Horse, Tree, House, or Man, so that here we felt the rigour of somewhat called harship, the Stomach barking, the Hoof galling, the Winds whistling, and the Heavens dropping; all these conspired to make us miserable. At last arriving to the borders of the Wilderness, we were courteously received into an hospitable Hamlet, where we enjoy 〈◊〉 the blessing of an indifferent refreshment. We took up our Qua●ters here that night, and pass 〈◊〉 away the evening in some pertinent Queries about observables 〈◊〉 the Place. They presented 〈◊〉 with a pretty curiosity which seldo● occurs, and that was the Copy 〈◊〉 a Brief containing the Losses of 〈◊〉 distressed Virgin, which beca●● the form and stile is somewhat 〈◊〉 usual, we care not much if 〈◊〉 here insert.   

The Copy of a BRIEF.  
To all Ladies, Gentlewomen; whether Maids, Wives or Widows, or others of that softer Sex, of what state and condition soever, whether Waiting-women, Semstresses, Spinsters, Bawds, Punks, Doxies, and all other Petticoateers, from those who through wantonness have naked Backs to those who through want have naked Bums, Greeting.  
WHereas we are credibly informed by our trusty and wellbeloved Roger Thwickwack of B. in the County of Salop Jumper, and Arthur Twitch-box, , Cadwallader Whipwhop, Wrestler, Anthony Snug, Fidler, Giles Firker Bum-brusher, and several others of the like Laudable Professions; Tha● our beloved Subject Mrs. A. C. 〈◊〉 the Town and County aforesaid Damsel, hath lately sustained a great los● by a most lamentable misfortune which on the fifth of this instan● most miserably befell her after thi● manner following.  
There was a certain Glass-case 〈◊〉 a Gad-fly colour, i. e. a little inclining to a Calf-dung Yellow, an● somewhat of a dwarfish size, no● much exceeding the stature of 〈◊〉 Cricket; it was supported by th● strength of a double Thong at th● Northwest Point of her Chamber where for sometime it had continu●● in a pendulous posture, and ha● arrived to a great repute of civility and meekness, whereby it did muc● exceed, and frequently put to th' blu●● the other Utensils of her Chamber.  
Now this Poor Thing, by reason 〈◊〉 the rudeness of two lusty Pusse● whether affrighted at their caterwauling, or it being not able to bear them in the Acts of Love, we cannot tell, but certain it is, it let go its hold, and after a dismal manner came blundering down, attended with the ruin and desolation of several Jiggumbobs and Jimcracks, to the great loss and detriment of our poor distressed Subject.— The Particulars whereof are as follow.  

1. The Ivory Gums of a Toothless Comb.  
2. A little Bottle-breecht Glass, replenished with Love-Powder.  
3. A Brace of blind Needles that lost their Eyes in the tumble.  
4. A Double Scut of an Hare tied up with a single Pack-thread.  
5. The latter end of an old Broomstaff.  
6. The Buttend of an old Sugar-loaf.  
7. The True-Lovers Knot made in wire.  
8. A square bit of Tin.  
9 The Margin of a broad Hat.  
10. One Finger-stall.  
11. Two Tags.  
12. A cracked Glass with a club-foot.  
13. The skin of an Onion stuff●● with Arsenic.  
14. One Whisker of a Bearded Arrow.— The loss of which Tackle and Implements amounting to a Sum of great value, we do send our Letters Patents to beg the Charitable Benevolence of all well-disposed Persons, hoping that they will be pleased to take the deplorable condition of our unhappy Subject into their serious consideration:— For is it not 〈◊〉 sad thing to lose so commodious 〈◊〉 Place to lay pretty things in, and al● by the misdemeanour of two unmannerly Cats? For where will this ou● Subject lay her Galley-pots and Syrups, her Gums and Pomatum▪ Had these Mount-hunters only eased Nature there, and then gingerly departed, they had been very excusable; but first to come slyly into a Lady's Chamber, and then to squobble and fall out there, and the midst of their Quarrel to pursue one another to the top of a Shelf, and there to renew the Battle again, and to box one another till themselves did fall, and to demolish that very thing which supported them in their bickering; as the Fool in the Fable sawed off the Bough he sat on. Oh! this is a sad thing.   
Another Living observable we met with here was the Fragment of a Physician, whose pretences to Learning were very great, but by converse we found him to have more Stomach than Brains, and therefore was like to have more consolation in a Kitchen than in a Study; for there perhaps he may find a job of work for his Grinders; whereas he knows no● what to do with his Books, unless h● should act the Moth, and eat the● One of our Company perceived hi● Parts to lie more towards the Powdering-tub, than his Pharmacopeia● for whilst he is busy in the former h● may keep himself alive, but when h● reads in the latter he kills his Patients. We had some Rost-beef t● Supper, and we commonly foun● him within an inch of the Dripping pan, with an Acre of Bread in hi● hand, which he called a Sop, wit● which, when our backs were turned he usually sponged up the Dripping and cheated Sir-Loin, and robbed its Knighthood of its due moisture A Scholar of our Company perceived him to be well read in Papers tha● screen the Back of a Limb of Rost● and that he found a great deal o● matter in the Socks that are on th● Souls of Mince-pies.  
After a days Journey from hence, we set our Feet upon Welsh Turf, and indeed were strangely surprised at the uncouthness of many things that did salute us here.  
The Country is tucked in on all sides with the Sea, except on the East, on which part it was ditcht in from England by that notable Delver King Offa, King of the Mercians: Over this Dike if any Welshman chance to skip with his Sword by his side, by King Harold's Law, he was to lose a Branch of his Body, i. e. his right Arm was lopped off by the King's Officers.  
Some think it had its Name from its Godfather Idwallo Son to Cadwallader, who with a small crew of Britons at the arrival of the Saxons hide themselves in this Corner. Others suppose them to be the Spawn of the Gauls, from whom they seem to be but a few Aps removed; Ap Galloys Ap gaul's, Ap Wallois Ap Wales.  
As for the Inhabitants, they are a pretty sort of Creatures, which when we saw, we were so far from stroking them with the Palms of Love, that we were almost ready to buffet them with the Fist of Indignation. They are a rude People, and want much Instruction. For when we consider the Soil from whence they sprang, and the Deserts and Mountains wherein they wander, we cannot but think that greater pains should be taken in cultivating and manuring, in disciplining and taming them, in regard 'tis harder for a Bearnard to teach civility to the Beasts of Africa, than to those that come from a more mannerly Country:— We do not say that when they are in their Country they do (like Bears and Foxes) live in Woods and Forests, (for I presume they have more Sun than Shade, and so more Fire than Wood) but if we agree with Geographers, and are of an opinion that they are Inhabitants of a Wilderness, and are Landlords of a Common, as I and every body else are owners of the Air, we must beg their pardon for our conceit. We have been informed that they were dug from a Quarry, and that they dwell in a stony Land; so that if we compare this Kingdom to a Man; (as some do Italy to a Man's Leg) they inhabit the very Testicles of the Nation. And I pray what are those but the vilest of Creatures that breed as well in the Privities of the greater British World, as those that are hatched in the Pudenda of the lesser? But whether Welshmen are the Al● origines of their Country, 〈◊〉 Crab-lice are the Autocthones 〈◊〉 theirs, and proceed only (li●● them) from the excrements 〈◊〉 their Soil, we shall not here d●spute. They are of a Bcorish behaviour, of a Savage Physiognomy; the shabbiness of their Body's, and the Baoticalness of the●● Souls, and that, which cannot a●● otherwise be expressed, the Welchnes● of both, will fright a Man as fa●●● from them, as the odness of the●● Persons invites one to behold them. Some of them are suc● rude and indigested Lumps, so 〈◊〉 from being Men, that they 〈◊〉 scarce be advanced into Livi●● Creatures; nay they are such unmanageable Materials that they 〈◊〉 scarce be hewn into the shape 〈◊〉 Blocks; much Labour and Art 〈◊〉 required therefore to make the●● Statues.  
They are not much given to fight, as by a Speech it appears that was uttered by her noun Countryman, who when drawn out upon some Design, began to pur and murmur after this manner.  
Her hath worn out her Freeze Breeches, and all her ; and now her can get no Money to keep her, or to buy her some Cows-baby, and her could hear nothing but Marsh, Marsh! and Drums beat, her was therefore (once for all) now resolved to fight no longer, but to go into her noun Country.— They are much inclined to Choler; for her Welsh Blood is soon moved, and then her stamp and stare, and scrat her Pole, and vent her fury in ud-plutter-a-nails, and will fight for her life in battle at Fisticuffs.  
The whole Nation (like a Germane Family) is of one Quality; for as every Lord's Son is a Lor● here, so every one is crowned will the Title of Gentleman there; s● that her Country is a good Pasture for an Herald to by't in. Wh●● can't choose but grow fat among such worshipful Genealogies. W● were much surprised at th● thoughts of their Rank, and di● not suspect so much Gentility among such a People; when w● saw so many Coats without Arms▪ we could not imagine they had any with them, but fancied they had more need of a Tailor than o● Clarentius, and of a Pricklouse to stitch up and compose their Breaches, rather than an Herald to blazen their Families. They appeared to us to be very ill accoutred Gentry: But however vileness of Equipage is no blot in Scutcheon; a● may be easily made out from thi● following Narrative. When King James commanded all that were Gentlemen in an Army to pass by him, he observing a Rag-a muffin to hobble in the Rear of the Train, commanded him to be stopped, because he looked not like a Gentleman; but Taphy cried out that her was as good a Gentleman as the best, only her Cattle was not so good. In their Travels they care not much that their Horses should drink with a Tost; as appears by the wrath which Jenkin discovered, whom his quaffing Beast had pitch-poled into a River. Vds-plutter-a-naits (quoth he) in great fury, what cannot her drink without a Tost? He took it much in dudgeon, that that the Jade should be so bold as to make a Sop of his Master.  
They do not always observe the Rules of Justice in their Punishments; oftentimes chastizing one Body for another, and so mispl●● their rigour on the undeserving as will be very evident from th● following Instance. A certain Tailor ferrying over a River 〈◊〉 their Country with a Diminuti●● Nag; the Steed never using 〈◊〉 travel by Water, and wondering that he stood still and moved, w●● possessed with fear, and made son disturbance in the Boat, to th● great endangering of the Passengers: The Welshman being i● jeopardy, was fired with ange● and without any wings he flew 〈◊〉 the Tailor, and revenged the injury of the Palfry on poor Pricklouse. The Stitcher swaddled th● scrupling Horse, and Taphy be●●● the Stitcher, to the great divers●●● and grief of the Spectators.  
The Materials of his Appar●● are usually a well shagged Fru●● so that we cannot call it sle●● being fleeced with a Nap like any Sheep skin: It affords excellent barber to the Vermin of his Body, which whether it be stocked with store of Joicements of them, he commonly signifies by the Symbol of a shrug.  
His Fashion is generally a Pair of oblong Trowzes made of a Brace of Cloak-bags, supposed to be Twins; these tacked together are a perfect Emblem of his crural Attire. This Garment had conjugal Affinity to a thing called a Doublet of the same Lineage; a copious Vestment, very roomthy and capacious, able to comprehend both his Arms in the single Pudding-bag of one Sleeve; its uppermost confines were hemmed with the scanty dimensions of a contracted Collar, but its lower extremity was bordered with the Paraphrase of amplified Lappets. The Summity of his Head is commonly crown's with a Monmouth Cap., and i● Crown is commonly pinnacled wit● the Battlement of a Button. Cuff● are an Innovation, things which their Ancestors were seldom guilty of; and indeed Bands and clear Linen are an upstart Invention▪ being the modern effects of the pride of their huge ones, wherea● Primitive Brittishness was never acquainted with the habiliment of 〈◊〉 Shirt. Their Feet it seems are o● an hot Complexion, for they often air their distockined Pettitoes and if they had any Hosen they were the offspring of their Drawers, to which they were fastened by Leathern Ligaments. The Perfection of a Welch-man's Equipage the cream (as it were) of his Accoutrements, and that which completes even his most Festival Attire, is (as the Story goes) 〈◊〉 old Sword of her noun breeding, which her hath brought up from a Tagger: And this he can brandish with much valour against the Tremendous onset of Dragooning Bees; a kind of Enemy which the Taphy is much afraid of, in regard he is always armed with a Pike in's Rear, which once upon a time being fastened in his Forehead, broached such a Poor in his Physiognomy, that he could never endure those hum-bazzing Shentlemen (as he calls them) in Yellow Doublets.  
The Country is mountainous, and yields pretty handsome clambering for Goats, and hath variety of Precipice to break one's neck; which a Man may sooner do than fill his belly, the Soil being barren, and an excellent place to breed a Famine in. It is reported of Campania, That it was the most noble Region in the World, the Air pleasant, the Soil fertile▪ the Theatre of Bacchus and Ceres, where they were at Fisticuffs for the Pre-eminence; but we perceived no such scuffle in Wales; for those Deities are so far from fight there, that we could not discern that they were so much as ever there; there being scarce water and Oatmeal to give us being, we could not expect Egypt and the Canaries, Butts and Granaries to give us a well-being: There is no Canaan to be found in the Arms of a Desert.  
The Commodities of the Nation are chief Woollen-cloaths, as Cottons, Bays, etc. of which their tattered Backs are an ill sign of; for sure they are not so silly to furnish other Countries with Raiment, and to go naked themselves.  
As for the Diet of the Britton, it is not very delicate, neither is he curious in it; for if he should, his Appetite perhaps might curse his nicety, and by pleasing his Palate he may starve his Belly. A good mess of Flummery, a pair of Eggs he rejoices at as a Feast, especially if he may close his Stomach with toasted Cheese; a morsel for which he hath a great kindness. You may see him pictured sometimes with that crevice in his Head called a Mouth, charged at both corners with a crescent of Cheese, and himself a cockhorse on a Red-herring, and his Hat adorned with a Plume of Leeks: Good edible Equipage! which when hunger pinches, he makes bold to nibble; he first eats his Chease and his Leeks together, and for second course he devours his Horse. He never much cared for a Sop, since once upon a time it drank up all his Drink, and would not club to pay his Shot.  
As for his Person, his stature is of the lowest size, not above a Stair or two above one Story; and we found always a Cock-loft, and that usually empty. His Face usually bubbles into Tumours and Pustles. Besides the natural Haut-goust of Body that breathes from grain, he usually sends forth an artificial smell, which you may wind as far as the Extreme Unction of twenty Funerals, only the scent is not so sweet: he smells a● rankly of the single stink of Brimstone, as a Gold finder of a medley; for a scurvy Disease commonly called the Scrubado makes frequently an Inroad into his Person, and invades his Body; so that he is forced to choke his Enemy by stink of Sulphur. 'Tis a creeping Distemper, whose progress is checked by mortification, so that when he leaves of his Shirt, that is, when it leaves him, and can hang on no longer, it is excellent Furniture for Tinderbox, as virtually containing in it. both Match and Tinder.  
The Mustck he plays upon, is a Tool styled an Harp, that is, a Triangular stick bed-corded with variety of extended Catlings; which he tickles with as much dexterity, as if apprentice to Amphion, and draws as many Boys after him, as he did Stones; nay these we have seen in some places to troth after him; but not so much to admire, as to pelt him for his Harmony. He puts his Instrument to one use more than the Ancients did theirs, i. e. he purveys with it for maintenance; so that when sustenance fails him, he strikes up for a Morsel, and so lives by sounds, and (Camaeleon like) hath Alimony from Air. He serenades Victuals in every Village, as the Pide-piper did Rats at Hamel, and he allures Luncheons after him, as much as the other did Vermin: Here a knob of Bacon wag● after him, for one strain, and there a Crust follows him as the Reward of another, one hits him in the Mouth with a payment of Pottage, another pops him in the Pocket with the gratuity of a Carrot; he is laden sometime with such plenty of Beverege▪ that he can't jog for his Fraught; all which variety of Fragment, is the most ample Income, and wonderful Revenue of his skill in Music. His usual Admirers are Country Milk maids, whom vibration of string doth move and stir into Jig and Measure; and whom Breeze of Instrument (like those in Tail) do chafe and tickle into Dance and Caper: By the wagging of his Noddle, and the wriggling of his Limbs, he seem to be taken with the Accents, or else to be bitten with the Tarantula o● his own M●sick, which hath infected him into a Ga●liard, and caused him to fig about with a Frolic Motion.  
We could not perceive that they were guilty of much Learning; of which the lowest Degree is several notches above their most exalted capacity. We met with one pretty proband in the Alphabet; but for the most part the knowledge of the least jota is rare, and unusual. A Man skilled in Orthography is admired as a Sophy, and a writer of his Name is termed a Rabbi. The Top-gallant of the Parish possibly may be so wise in Hieroglyphic as to scrawl the Character of a Mystic Mark; though such deep Literature is not frequent amongst them. Some of their Ancestry have smelled rank of Astrology; one whereof, Merlin by name, was very notable at the Stars, and most intimate with the Planets; in so much that sometimes he would fling at a Futurity, and venture at Prognostic concerning the weather 'Tis supposed he was bred up at t●● Feet of some She-Gamaliel, being 〈◊〉 well versed in the Prophecies of 〈◊〉 women's Corns, and who could 〈◊〉 cleverly foretell Rain, as the learned Almanac of the most weather wise Toe.— The study of Wizza●dism hath also been famous amongst them; one Goodman Druis was wel● accomplished in that kind of Learning; hence formerly a Wizard wa● styled a Drue. This Fellow (they t●●● us) was the Schoolmaster of Pyth●goras, into whose Breech ('tis said) he infused by Birch the Opinion 〈◊〉 Transmigration. He was dextrous 〈◊〉 a Fortune, and Old-Dog at Augury the only thing we dislike in him, i● he sacrificed Men, and so divin● by Butchery.  
To the Wisdom and Philosophy 〈◊〉 this Sophy, his little Boy Bard● added Poetry; a Lad (it seems) notably inspired with Flames and Firebrands, with Heats and Raptures, and such kind of Tackle that are used by Poets. The Disciples of this Laureate were termed Bards, the great Embalmers of Heroic Actions; who (I warrant you) will wrap up an Achievement so securely in a Monument of a single Verse, that all the nibblings in the world shall never be able to devour the Immortality of a Name. They ballad-sung the Praises of Renowned Heroes, and in lofty strains wire-drawed their Fame, and ftretcht their Glory to after-ages. They were in huge esteem, and had the Cap and Knee of the greatest Commanders, in so much that if two Armies were even at Cuffs or at Cudgels, and a venerable Bard had stepped in but with one Foot of his Poetry, they would have held their hands, and have thrown down their Hilts, and have harkened to the advice of his learne● Dactails, and not offer to snout it ti● his Poetical worship had been out 〈◊〉 danger. The most Famous of these Meter-mongers were Robin Plenidius, my Gaffer Glaskirion, and of late years old Farmer Davy, and ou● Neighbour David ap Williams.  
The Champions of the Country▪ Men of celebrated Prowess, were Mr. Cassibellane and Sir Nennius Knight, the former whereof was so Doughty a Blade, that 'tis said he confronted Caesar, and bid him kiss his Backside with undaunted Gallantry; the other grappling with the same Emperor, did diswhiniard his hand by main strength, and sent the Man home laden with some stripes▪ and with a naked Belt. A notable Instance of Welsh Valour! To these we may add that Hector of Britain▪ the Renowned Arviragus, who was so great a Rawhead and Bloody-bone● to the Roman Soldiery, that 'tis thought he frighted them even to the bewraying of their Breeches, and made them mightily stink of a filthy discomfiture.  
As for the Loves of the Britons, the Intrigues of their Amours are not a little remarkable; they being very pretty Animals when disguised with that Passion: They are Tinder to such Flames, being quickly set on fire, even by the least spark, which when it hath catched the Match of their Souls, (for they have Brimstone in them as well as in their Bodies) they are presently kindled into Transport and Ecstasy; and these model them into the shapes of a thousand Antics, and make them show more tricks than Banks his Horse. Sometimes they are shaking the Globules of their Noddle, and sometimes dancing some Geometry with the Figures of their Feet; now they smite with clapper of Fist their troubled Breasts, and anon sound out some Knells of dismal Groans being variously affected according as the weather is in their Clorinda● Faces; if Aspect be clear, than i● Taphy Serene; if Brow be cloudy then is Morgan Showry. He commonly oreflows in his prattle about the Princum prancumness of his Mistress, and is witty even to a Jest on the Fineries of their Habiliments, in describing of which he is pretty lucky at Similitude, and is happy in his Comparisons about her Person. One having a glimpse through the Keyhole of her Saffron Body, burst out into a Panegyric of the Bees-waxness (as he phrased it) of her Tawny Complexion; and seeing her Tippet to bristle into the erectness of a Turban, he fell a laughing at the Coxcomb (as he termed it) of her Coif and Headgear. He seldom troubles his Madam with the salutation of a Letter, but usually accosts her with the Missive (as I may say) of his noun Person, which being broken up in her presence, out fly the Contents full of flame and rapture.  

Shentle Modest! when her see  
The Fair Looks her made at me,  
Hur could not choose by what's above,  
But be entangled by her Love.  
Hur was not think it fit and meet,  
To wrap her Love within a Sheet;  
But was think it great deal better,  
To speak her Loufe than write a Letter;  
Hoping her not exception take  
At her for her countries' sake.  
What if her Welshman be? what then?  
Taffies was all Shentlemen;  
Born from Venus that fair Coddess,  
And many other Shentle Bodies;  
Part Humane and part Difine,  
We are descended from Jove's Line.  
All this Truth her dare not mince,  
Being the Issue of British Prince.  
If should with Jenkin drink some Wine,  
Her would think her Fortune fine,  
And her would tell such Tale in Ear  
That all the World was never hear.  
Then Shentle Modest let her prove,  
Honest Jenkin will her love;  
Though her was very filthy fit,  
That drives poor Welshman out of wit  
And if her will not pity her pain,  
Hur will never Loufe again.   
We heard of one that went a wooing with a Gun upon his shoulder, being resolved (it seems) if Love be a warfare, not to enter unarmed into the Camp of Venus; still as his coy Daphne shifted from his presence, he marched Musketeering about the Room, and most fiercely pursued her, till at last in the brisk Encounter of a close Embrace, this warlike Instrument took an occasion somewhat unmannerly to go off, and Blunderbussed the Mistress on her Breech on one side of the house, and poor Taphy on his Nose on the other; so that being much dismayed at this unhappy Accident, one scrabled one way, and the other another, to the total separation of a pair of Lovers, and to the utter spilling of a Mess of Love.  
They are pretty devout in their worship, though the exercise of Religion is somewhat scarce, and have a pretty glowing zeal, though their Churches are few, and at a great distance. 'Tis almost incredible how far they are fain to trudge for a little Homily, which when they have expected, have been mumped with a Sermon ten times worse. For on such Rawbone Live there cannot be expected very plump Parts. The ordinary Revenue of a Spiritual Preferment may possibly be about five Marks per Annum; a Bay of Watling for a dwelling, endowed with no more Glebe than just what it stands upon, only perhaps it may be howe-stalled with as much ground as may hold a Sty for the Pig, and a Roost for the Pullen. These Divine Cottages are usually situated som● Leagues from the Temple; so tha● the Holyman with Crabtree Truncheon sets out with the Sun, an● stretcheth his Legs with a goo● handsome walk, before he arrives to Pulpit to stretch his Lungs, and wea● out much of his Soles before he can reach his Stall to mend their Souls. Their Houses of Prayer are generally Thatched Tabernacles, which being steepled (as it were) with a Lover-hole, seem to be really that what the Temple resembled when profaned by the Jews, I mean, rather the Pictures of Pidgeon-houses, than holy Sanctuaries. They are wainscoted towards the East with little Desks, like Pounds, where Levite imprisoned for about half an hour, fodders the poor Taffies with some melancholy Tear-fetching Story about a Grim Fellow called Death, who ambles Folks on his back into another World; a thing which he heard from the Oracular Gums of of his edentulous old Grannum, as she sat in the Settle in the Chimney-corner. Some of the most Reverend Rectors are dignifyed with a stipend of six pounds a year, besides the Perquisites of a Drum and Fiddle; which well managed on a Holiday, make up a very pretty Thing. Others have an Augmentation of a Bull or a Bear, which being solemnly baited about twice in a Quarter, do pick pretty comfortable Tithe from the Spectators Pockets, and makes the poor Parson's Purse to smile and mantle.  
Their Recreations are various, but not much different from those in England; you may see them sometimes smite a Ball at the Rebound, and to send it on an errand to their Antagonists, which being retorted by way of Answer, is rejoindered back again with much dexterity. They will bandy to and fro this missile Globule, and shuttlecock it to each other with great celerity. Their Lungs are pretty good at a Bubble in the Air, which Meteor arising from the Womb of a Wallnut-shell, they will make fly through the Welkin on the Wings of their Breathes, and for a considerable time, by the Blasts of their Mouths, will support the Being of those Emblems of Mortality.  
In the whity-brown Evening, or in the Twilight, they run hobbling about their Common with Kites at their heels, certain Comets of Paper, which they tow along with a tall string, and make themselves merry with the length of their Tails, which are a large Series of jaggd Tossels, raged with a Candle, as with the twinkling of a Star. Happy is the Man amongst them that can most discreetly manage this Artificial Planet; and he is presently dubbed the very Phaeton of their Country, that can most swiftly career it with this little lantherned Phoebus. The Scrubs want Candle on Earth, and yet they must needs be sticking up Lights in the Socket of Heaven; there's scarce half a pound in a Lordship either to scare away darkness or to work by, and yet these Rascals (forsooth) will be studding the Sky with Luminaries to play by.— As for true and real Hunting, there is no such thing among them; only they have (as it were) the Picture and some kind of resemblance of that Pastime; for their Principality affording them but few Hares, they course a Lock of Hay in lieu thereof, and Alloo the Puss of a good nimble wisp. The whim of it is this; when they have a mind to refresh themselves with somewhat that is a kin to, or with an Idea of Hunting, they make diligent search for a Furlong or two of smooth and champion ground, which at last being found, they purchase a Bundle of the swiftest Hay, (if Irish, 'tis the better, for there are the best Runners of all sorts) this they expose to the Fans of Aeolus, which being presently started by force of puff, it scuds away, and the Dogs pursue it with mighty speed. In rainy weather they have also their In-door Divertisements as well as other Nations, such as Rump-pressing, Hot-cockles, Chap-smutting, Snap-apple, and the like. Some are cunning at the Cockall, not so much for picking off the meat (though they are good at that too) as at throwing it with accuracy, and checquering the sport with variety of Tumble.  
As far as we could perceive, they love Holiday Fingers, and care not much for encumbring them with that Inconvenience called work. They can (Shepherd like) loll upon a crook pretty handsomely in the Field, and can discharge a superintendency over the Goats. They are most accomplished Drovers, to which laudable Function they are so naturally prone, that they are apt to arrive sometimes more than their own.  
They are much addicted to the sin of Nastiness, wallowing in filthiness like so many Swine; so that the whole Province seems to be but a general Sty. You may swear they are made of Earth without a Metaphor; appearing like so many Dirt-Images, or like that of Prometheus made of clay. The meaner sort of Women are generally such Draggle-Tails, that the Cattle in their Bosoms are quag-mired in the filth of their well-glebed Attire; so that the frisking Fleas are so far from Levaltoes, that we are verily persuaded they can scarce pull out Proboscis, and their Feet from the Bogs.  
The Tenements they live in are suitable to the Guests that possess them; for as these seem to be Dirt moulded into Men, so those are the same matter kneaded into House's 〈◊〉 they are usually very Humble Cottages, and low in stature, so that a Ma● may ride upon the Ridge, and yet have his Legs hang in the Dirt; those that are so magnificent as to be crested with a Chimney, are mightily valued, as most Cocking Fabrics. We were not so vain as to expect very splendid Furniture in such contemptible Huts; but we soon perceived what Utensils were most necessary; a Dishclout and a Bee● some, and such cleansing Implement● are very proper to correct the filthiness of their Mansions; we found no Apartments in these their Habitations, every Edifice being a Noah● Ark, where a Promiscuous Family a Miscellaneous Heap of all kind o● Creatures did converse together in one Room; the Pigs and the Pulle● and other Brutes either truckling under, or lying at the Beds-feet o● the little more refined, yet thei● Brother Animals. The Country is fortified in some places with a pretty sprinkling of Castles, which whether they naturally grew out of the Rocks, or were artificially engrafted there, may be a matter of dispute; some fancied them to be Stone-pits shot up into th' Air, which represent the Figure of vast Buildings.  
Wales is the most monstrous Limb in the whole Body of Geography, for 'tis generally reported to be without a middle, or if it hath a Navel 'tis yet a Terra Incognita; for we never could find that ever any Man dwelled there, the Natives confessing themselves to be only Borderers. Surely the reason why they do so much affect the circumference of their Country, and abominate the centre, is, because they are ashamed of the Dominion; and indeed 'tis a sign they have but a little kindness for their Nation, who 〈◊〉 like unnatural Sons) run from their Mother their Country, a●● when out of her Embraces nev●● return again. A Welshman wh● once abroad, hath no more tendency home, than a Stone an Inclination to fall upward: He will troth o'●● the Globe, & rather endure the infliction of any Exile, than the cruepunishment of being banished hom● if he is once on this side Dee, neither Hunger nor Husks, nor any kin● of hardship shall drive him on the other.  
We could not in our Travel wind very many Feasts amon● them, the shabbyness of their Soi● being not able to nourish and po●●per Luxury, so that a Cook, unle●● he exercise on himself, and dre●● his own Fingers, he is immediately starved here for want of an Employment. They make some litt●● Invitations perhaps to a Kids-hea● or so; and will junket with Hop-tops with brisk alacrity. Such plai● mean (and as I may say) Burrough Food was even their Festival Entertainments; but as for any Embroidered and (as it were) Metropolitan Mess, such as Bisks and Og●io's, we never so much as heard of them in their Territories.  
Their Mart for Law is a Parish Town called Ludlow, where there ●s a Court of Judicature decked with 〈◊〉 Judge, Counsellors, Attorneys, Solicitors, and other Furniture which embellish the Law: Hither ●hey trudge for Decision of Case, ●nd here Red-coat Integrity dispenses Equity. Most of their Indictments are generally the Tragical effects of some dismal Counter●cuffle; where a bloody Nose and 〈◊〉 broken Shin is ample matter for ●he Commencement of a Suit; for ●hey being of a fiery temper, sometimes choler is kindled by an Antiperistasis with a Pot of Ale; and then they fall to biting and scratching as hard as they can drive, and t●● wounds of this Caterwauling an● Bickering affords stuff for an Act on the next day; which being once got into the Pounces of a Welsh Attorney, is dandled into a Business 〈◊〉 no small aggravation. Oh! Ho● these Pettifoggers will hug a Buffe●ing, and improve a Squobble? They are the very Bellows of Contention and will soon blow a Spark into 〈◊〉 great Combustion. They are a kin● of Tinkers in the Law, who usually make holes on purpose that the● may mend them; nay sometimes the● will play at Loggerhead themselves to set others together by the Ear● and so (as if fight was contagious) will infect the Taphies into Quarrels and Blows. One marching along the Streets advanced th● Scolding of two Women into 〈◊〉 huge Tumult, as Duels swell into great Wars; and made the snarling of two Dogs thrive into an Action, and the fight of Mastiffs to end in the Court of the Common-Pleas. They commonly broach Quarrels, and incense the Shentlemen into knockings and smitings, cracked Crowns, and black Eyes, into Assaults and Batteries, and all for hopes of a Livelihood that may be skimed from the benefit of such Wars: But perhaps the Spoils from the Skirmishes of such Clients are as rare as Pillage from a Scotch Army. The usual crime for which they stand generally convicted, is that great transgression and sin of Mice, the nimming of Cheese, and the filching of Oatmeal, and of the rest of the good Creatures that are Arkt in the Cupboard; and as they offend like Vermin, so are ordinarily taken so too, that is, not apprehended like Men, but entrapped like Rats; after which they are convented before the Sage Puss of th● Law, which purring upon a Tribunal together with his Kitling Officers, doth fasten on the Prey and doth so suck and claw it, t●● it hath mumbled out all its Blood that is, all the Money of its Vein● and then wholly devours it. Th●● (I say) is one of their offence though not the only one; for som● of them have been lashed for a● attempt upon Henroosts, and have received condign punishment eve● for stealing of Poultry at th● wrong end; for Taphy (it seems) having filched a Chicken by th● Breech, did disrump her by h●● Theft; and therefore in resemblance to his Crime was almost disrumpt. by punishment; so that for stealing the Birds Tail, he had well-nigh lost his own: A pretty Circumstance observed in their Justice! and a laudable way of proceeding according to Lex Talionis.  
For several Crimes they have various Punishments. That grand Enormity of Breaking wind is chastised there as 'tis in England, that is the hand of Magistracy doth usually inflict a pretty lusty Cobbling, that is, for every Report the loss of an Hair, though some that have been much addicted to that Infirmity, and therefore have been very guilty of a stink, have endured the cruelty of tormenting Fairies, that is, have been pinched into manners, and a better smell. Artificers when at work punish any unhandsome Action by a particular severity peculiar to themselves, which they call Pursing. The Execution whereof is after this manner: The Malefactor being prostrate on a Block, two of the sa●● occupation pull as discreetly as they can his Drawers as close to Buttock as a Spaniards Breeches, so 〈◊〉 not to be laid hold on by the m●●● curious Pincers; the Pavement 〈◊〉 Posteriours being levelled a●● smoothed from any wrinkles, 〈◊〉 third Artisan strikes it with a Rul● whose smart Application by Quick jerks makes some impression of pain, and so moves the Blood 〈◊〉 to raise and start a Tincture a●● (as it were) the Flea-biting of Blush. Some of the more obstinate Criminals are punished 〈◊〉 suspension, but not by the Neol as here in England, but by 〈◊〉 wrists, Thumb-roped together wi●● a string of Hay, and so fastens to a Peg; well! this is but the beginning (and as it were) the Hissing of the Punishment, do 〈◊〉 mark, and the Sting will follow▪ The offending Taphy thus dangling in the Air, the Beadle approaches with a stick imped with a Feather at one end, and tickles his Testicles; these softer Titillations engender some vibrations of Body, and nimble Frisking, which are shrewdly chastised by a surly Cats-of-nine-tail.  
The Cattle we saw most legible on their Mountains were Goats and Heifers; a runtish sort of Animals, of a dwarfish size, but very hardy, of a flinty Constitution calculated on purpose for the meridian of a Rock; on which (it seems) they can as hearty feed, as an Ostrich on an Anvil. Great numbers of these are often disembogued into adjacent Countries, which after some time circulate home again in a stream of Money; which yields wonderful refreshment to the fainting Dominion, almost sick for the comfort of such a Cordial. We perceiv●● their Herds to be frequently mingled with little Palfreys; a stunted sort of Horses, diminutive Brutus' Shavals in shorthand. They a●● lower in stature than an Ass, 〈◊〉 much swifter in Foot, and very strong, as it appears from their Burdens, which are oftentimes the Fortune and Substance of a whole Family; for when a Mortal breaks he mounts all he hath on Welsh Nag, and travels under the Character of a Scotch Pedlar. W● chanced to see a Team of th●●● small Cattle, a rare Spectacle, ●●ing (as we supposed) the le●● that ever was heard of, unl●●● that which was harnessed in Ven●● her Chariot, which was a Tea● of Doves. These British Steed are so brisk and Mercurial, th●● the People would persuade 〈◊〉 that a Taphy on a Tit would outstrip in travel an Arabian on a Dromedary; a thing almost incredible, though the pricking up their Ears, and the sticking up their Tails, is an Argument of their Metal, and may give some colour and ground for the Assertion.  
That which we admired most of all amongst them, was the Virginity of their Language, not deflowered by the mixture of any other Dialect: The purity of Latin was debauched by the Vandals, and was Huned into corruption by that barbarous People; but the sincerity of the British remains inviolable. 'Tis a Tongue (it seems) not made for every Mouth; as appears by an Instance of one in our Company, who having got a Welsh Polysyllable into his Throat, was almost choked with Consonants, had we not by clapping him on the back made him disgorge a Guttural or two, and so saved him. They usually liques● the most rugged Mutes, and soften 'em by Pronunciation; melting the word Tug into Tudge a● is clear from this Distich.  
Still he did Tudge her Ear  
In praise of the Thirteen Seer, i. e. did Tug her Souses with Eulogiums of her Country. Whether the Welsh Tongue be a Splinter of that universal one that was shattered at Babel, we have some reason to doubt, in regard 'tis unlike the Dialects that were crumbled there: However, whether 〈◊〉 be kin or no to other Country Speeches, it matters not; but this we are assured of, it is near and dear to the Folk that utter it, who are so passionately fond of it, that they will scarce admit another into the Embraces of their Lips, which sputter forth a kind of loathing of our English Language; wherein, if a Question be asked them, they will with somewhat of disdain and choler make answer Dim saissonick, i. e. no English. Their Native Gibberish is usually prattled throughout the whole Taphydome, except in their Market-Towns, whose Inhabitants being a little raised, and (as it were) puffed up into Bubbles above the ordinary Scum, do begin to despise it. Some of these being elevated above the common Level, and perhaps refined into the Quality of having two Suits, are apt to fancy themselves above their Tongue, and when in their t'other , are quite ashamed on't. 'Tis usually cashiered out of gentlemen's Houses, there being scarcely to be heard even one single Welsh Tone in many Families; their Children are instructed in the Anglican Ideom, and their Schools are Paedagogued with Professors of the same; so that (if the Stars prove lucky) there may be some glimmering hopes that the British Lingua may be quite extinct, and may be Englished out of Wales, as Latin was barbarously Gothed out of Italy.  
The Cambro-Brittons are great admirers of Heroic Actions, and much honour the Memory of Famous Achievements; in so much that rather than a Dead-doing Ma● shall perish in Oblivion, they will eternize his Name by the Mon●ment of a Straw, or some such 〈◊〉 considerable trifle; as appears by that Famous Example of that Saint of their Country, Bishop David, who being a pert fighter and having sound basted and swaddled their Foes, is at this day consecrated to Posterity by the Trophy of a Leek; and smells as rank of Renown from that Vegetable Preservative that Embalms his Fame, as they do of a Scallion that carry it about for his Glory. Their Hats are set with this Aniversary Badge and Emblem of Honour, and triumph on the first of March; which Day hath been christened by his Name, and being Dubbed an Holiday, hath worn yearly in the Almanac a Scarlet Letter.  
There is one thing more also very observable among them, and that is, that of all the maimed Persons that ever we read of, we find none comparable for nimbleness to a Cambrian Cripple; a pregnant Proof whereof was presented to us in this following Instance; A Fellow with Crutches moved by Protrusion in a certain Wheel-barrow, espying a Bear near the Rear of the Thruster, was so surprised with horror at this tremendom sight, that he packed up his Pedestals, i. e. tucked his Oaken Shins to the Zodiac of his Girdle, and away he fled; Bruin and the Protrusor in vain trooped after him, who led them a risk with such winged speed, that they could never o'er take him; He clearly outstripped them, to the Eternal Glory and Renown of Welsh Lameness.  
These are some of the choicest Observations we made when conversant among the British Mountains; we might easily have added more, (the whole Nation indeed being but one grand Remark) had not the suddenness of our Return preyented us. If it should chance to be our Lot to set our Feet on that Soil a second time, we shall venture to present another Show of it; for 'tis pity such a rare sight as Wales should want a Trumpet, nay and a Fool too to proclaim and expose it to the World.  
After we had crammed our Budget with these few Notices, we joged on with our Fraught to the Brink of the Sea, where mounted on a Pinnace we road to Bristol, from whence with all possible speed we trudged in a few days to the Metropolis of the Nation called London.  
FINIS.