insignia 
HONI SOIT MAL Y PENSE    

The Prince of TARTARIA his Voyage to Cowper in Fîfe. He that will to Cowper, will to Cowper.  
IT was about that time in the morning when the mortals of this side of the Aequinectial Line, are accustomend to satisfy their Gusto in refreshing Nature by frequent Oscitation and Pandiculation to their Members; Surfeit with toil, and Disgorging from their Nauseating Ventricle by Eructation, the Crudity's Engendered there through their painful and Laborious Carousing; and what is wanting that way, 
Viz. When carls & queens Gants Rifts and farts before they come out of their Beds.  their roaring Borborygius declareth by another in a very sensible way of breathing: This was the time, I say, when the magnificent and much expected Prince of Tartary, Tomambeio Dionigi Cuoulato Pazzeio with his numerous Fleet of 3000. Gundolo's was discovered as they wantonly coasted along the South shore of the Forth, with the benefit of St. Abb's blessing; this jocund and secure Joviality was on a sudden changed through the indescreit Steerage of their Vice-Admiral, who spent his Boltspreet on a goose-nest in that famous iceland, or rather Rock of the base; this did so Alarm that plumed Carrion that it was wonderful to see with what fierceness and resolution the keckling Militia assaulted the Tartarian Fleet, and in a very inconsiderable space they boarded and were conquerors of the whole, except of that in which the Prince himself was with myself, who by flight( surpassing that of the goose) gained the Haven of Cockany. These insolent Birds who by this time certainly are vapouring in their Gowns, spacious turbans and tyara's to fortify themselves against the like Mumchance, staved the whole Vessels, therewith to erect their Domicils with couplins and Rafters: The Prince with his small retinue left him, found a more Hospitable reception by the Consuls Tribuns of the mentioned City, who came to understand this design, and resolution for celebrating of these Solemnities at Cowper Race, this they understood partly through the Advertisement given them by the Caledonius, partly through the interperation of a Levite amongst them to whom all Languages were indifferent, except that of his mothers. Every one laboured to cheer up this disconsolate and dejected Prince, and according to their own fashion treated him with all sorts and sizes of Mussesles, Cockell'os, Spouteios, Limpettos, Linogustos, Clamos, Buccas, and all of them decently with their own natural condiments; Others would have presented him with Scarts, Scouts Buccas, and Kitty-wak's, at the sight of which, his kind heart qualmed, modestly refusing them, alleging they were descended of these boodly Islanders who had destroyed his Fleet His Highnesse pressed much his departure, and the on they other side urged extremely his abode amongst them till September, that he might see hemself fully revenged on his enemies by the prows and activity of Grall, Thom Gosh and others his Mirmidons, famous amongst the Poultriers of Edina; it is at that season the War constantly commences 'twixt these two parties, seldom the General misseth to banish whom he hath not seized on( and these are whole Congregations) to the Indies, notwithstanding of their revengeful allurements, his circumcised Hignesse was more ambitious to prosecute his progress then have seen any these avaricious animals massacred. The next day which was that he used to worship on, he desired to know of the Oricles of the country to avoid scandal, and accordingly with a Machumetan gravity had the patience to lend his Lugs to the out-runing of two Glasses, with their respective appendices: By this time he had learned that the day following was called Monday, on which day he might travel securly, but could not be suffered to go till he had break-fast with Car-cakes and Pattylow's, and received the courtsiee of being creat burgess and Gild●brother, all which being orderly done, he was provided with a covenant Convoy and Trench men to complete his Fifean pilgrimage, the Eschevins conducting him to the City-gates where their Recorder in a grave phlegmatic Speech bid him, heatrily farewell: Our first halt was at the three tons in Letha where having spent asmall time in fortifying our Tabernacles. against the marine Exhalations, which useth to Trouble Squeamish Stomachs, we embarked in that ancient and new Bottom, formerly known by its Owner Captain Watson, but now under the Command of Admiral John cry; This is the Vessel that Rescued Don Juon of Austria, at the Battle of Lepanto, when twelve bloody Bashaw's with their Gallies had grappled with him, and yet their Anteillery was no other but Six old pumps, and two on fixed Muskets: The inevitable Necessity in observing the tides diet, obstructed the Entertainment appointed for us by the Litheians. We had a pleasant Topsail-drow, from the South-east, which is less then half a glass running, made us bring the Stones to the score, so that we left speedily Inch-keith, upon our weather quarter; This islet( as we learned from our Co passengers) is Famous for Fatning of Bestial, and most Convenient for Clandestine coin, the clink of the Hammer hardly to be heard on either shore: But this being a divertisement for such Virtuosie, as spends their Estates to learn to leave on their Wits, its consideration we leave with them, if there be any itch in their Neck, and thus they my Try it: In another half glass our Waftage termined at Burtisland; this same Town is as Joppa to Jerusalem, the constant place of Arrival of such as are desirous either to be cured by the wholesome Waters of the Spaw, nigh Kingborn, or who are curious to hear the ambiguous Responces of the Athenian Hocus; Our Treatment here was comform to the Season and country modd, Bisks and Olio's of the choicest pullaile; John Gibb the Stall-master of the place( else where known by the name of Post-master) addressed himself to the Prince, with such Civilities, as are not ordinary to Hackney Superintendants, and furnished us Horses, appearing in View like Greenland Bucks in December, yet indeed swift as the Buffolo's in Lombardie, who are said to be begot by a Siroco. We held on our course towards Kingborn, resolving to view the Spaw, so renowned for its prolifick, Qualities, and so Traversed two Miles of Sands, as fertile with the wanton shell fish, as formerly Egypt was of Locusts: The Fountain Discovered itself under most pleasant and beautiful Rocks, where Nature displayed her self in her Richest furniture of her pearled shells in several groats, some of which even in our sight dropping off the most precious and well informed pearls, as ever the place produced, which moved his Tartarian Highness to confess, that what for its Cascato's, and what for Crotesco's, it is exceeded far any he had ever seen in Europe. In the fountain itself, Neptune hath been often seen( as the country people confidently affirmeth) to have been boiling Lobstars, and Crabs at christmas Eve, and with no other fire, than the heat of the Sun, through situate in the 56 degree of Latitude. The Fountain springs from the Earth in a strait Line, it reacheth the Antipodes: And why? say they, because it Ebbs and flows like the Sea; That when the tide runs from this Hemisphere to them, than by a Violent motion, it is returned in a full tide to us: They say mote, that the mouth of the Conduit, from whence the Water guished, hath its Incrementa and Decrementa like to the Moon, only differing in the Variation o its figures, as circled, Oval, Tozenge, Obtuse, sharp, Triangle, Regular; Pentagon, Hexagon, and Octagon, &c. They said more that there were a Jure Divino amongst them, and he no small Doubt spear, who concluded that it was one of the Quatuor Coluri, but to tell Truth this Companion ended, when we for two hours Contemplared this pleasant Fountain with its promontary, we came to Kingborn, a place for its Situation not unlike that of Lisbon, as to the valleys and Hills Circumjacent, but indeed the Indian Adventurers Buildings, there come short of the Palaces of the Bait gatherers here: After we had Solaced ourselves in the Survey of their Universities, and other their nurseries of Fish learning, we set one to Kirkealdie, a Town eminent for Navigation, and on that consideration, our Parthian Heroes, would that the traveling inhabitants of the City, should at the first View, understand by his habit and Garb, for hitherto he had been clothed in the country fashion) what his Territories and Dignities were, and instantly the Master of the wardrobe being advertised, produced the Robes, Vestments of the great Arsacides, for trimming up our Adventurer: Under his twilted Gown of a tawny colour, he had a Shirt of War, or coat of Male, composed of several complexioned Stones, in Mosaical work, representing by figures in a historical way all the Heroical achievements and amorous Adventures of his Progenitors, by his side the Cimater of the great Tamberlin, which for its Sharpness, is a Merciful Account in the Schock of battle, can raze and Circumcise Beards, without Anoying the Flesh by Phlebotomy, He had the Bow of the great Nimrod, which with Bolts was accustomend to kill Dottrels, Begfigs, and Wood Cocks, for the Entertainment of his sporting Ladies: His head was covered with a black Velvet Cap, doubled with a Parcel of the Fort of the same Gowns that belonged to these Trepaning Elders, who would have Top't the fair and chased Susanna.  
In this order passing through the Town, we perceived some Lady's in Discontent, that they had not been Timously acquainted of the Cavale●do, that according to their custom in such sort of welcoming strangers, they had not saluted us with their perfumed water of Roses, Jasmin and Oranges; But to make up that mischance, they served themselves of the readiest; and very decently with their Syringers, Jyrted us with the odiferous flavour of Sketbroth, which occasioned us to hasten to the Towns end, where there is a Rinulet famous for the Resort of some Sturdy and boisterous Nymps who uses to Recreate themselves there, and it seems that they had Notice of our passing that way; For suddenly at our approach; they Started the threesome Reel, consisting of Sixteen, all cast in Couples, each Couples being placed in a large Tub, or independent Pulpit, having their Garments tucked up to the height of the Baltywhang: Here was old Whisking and Skelping, and the better to keep Cadence to their Levalto's, the palms of their hands, were employed for Castanietto's, which made more Nimble whitherings on their Breeches, then Drum-sticks at the Dian. But our Chaplain fearing such objects, might swell his highness Concupiscence, hastened us to the Path head, but more renowned by the Names of Hirpletilbin or Pickltilhim: It is a received custom of the inhabitants of this place, to geld all those who laughs at the Go●g, and Greets at the &c. Our passage through this Town, was no otherwise welcomed, then that of those who are inquisitive of its Name, all these Belchings our Prince taking for jovial acclamations. Not far from this Town stands on a high Rock, the Castle of Ravenshough, which before the War was renowned for Hospitality and Good fellowship, but now a Receptacle for Pitcaples Angels, here they show as the Vestige of a Furnace which Blew up Culverins, Secars and Drakes our of Cordevant Gloves: Nigh to this is the Excellent Spring called Vyne-Weel. of which all of us drank, One of the Company who had formerly been well acquainted with it, affirmed that nothing was comparable to it in curing habitual fevers, occasioned through drought, and heat of the Liver, and that he himself had had frequent experience thereof. Hence we advanced to Dysart, a place well known for its great Trade of Sea, Coal and Salt; and truth it is that the Mines of the one, and Alembicks of the other are more happy in their productions then most of thei● Neighbours: Here we contemplate the Beauty of the Vestals who are devoted to serve their Mother the Earth, by Ridding her Bowels of the black ston, they are still in Meditation of Heaven or Hell, as they ascend and descend. On our way towards the Weems, we took nottice of the Flewry verdant Banks, where we found Thestylis the Goddess of Hucksters, occupied in Ramassing of Nettles, who  told us they were to serve for the Wedding feast of one of the Aldermans daughters of Buck-haven, this news made us make hast toithe place, and so we passed the Weems, that we might the sooner partcipat of the Solemnities of so glorious a consummation: The Brides here in all Ages having been cracked for their behaviour, our arrival was one hour ere Phaebus hot nodled steeds took stable, so we had time enough to survey the cunning situation and fortification of the place, equal to any other of the World: It lies under the Brow of a steep Brack, so that it is unaccessible towards the Land, without hazard of Necky's: The Sea Guards the other side, the passages at either end are shut up with a cross Cart, which done, the Citizens sleeps securely unless you alarm them with Souldiers. Our Reception was splendid, the whole Senate accompanying us in their Robes, which themselves in Modesty Term Bilfangls, not unlike to the Gowns with Velvet necks: And yet this Senate because they have Couls and Robes of the Gray-boddin, they pled them to be more apostolic then these of the Bombacee. The Town Recorder was very full in a Speech, wherein he show that the Arsacides our Princes Progenitors, had many obligations to their City, that in Thankfulness, their City might have the Education of their young Princes, he minding him that when the Parthians were likely to be subdued by the Romans, that their then Admiral Davy Downy relieved them with a Fleet of Oyster-Dreggers: They again when the Termigrants of the South cost would have made Invasion on their Fish Territories, that then they were alwise supplied with Lanciers, strongly mounted on grasshoppers from Caramania: Thus he show the mutual amity and League twixt the republic and the Parthian Empire. Thus done, we were brought to their college, where we saw the works of the great Magii, who treats of all the several Baits for catching Fish, from the Whyting to the Whale, from the Wilk to the Lobstar; here we see their Printing-house, wherein there is now at the press, a rare piece of Blew-apron Divinity in Rhyme, we had not permission to red it all, but certainly it is Roguish, as you may judge by the Argument, to the Tune of the Old Broom, &c.  
Sing to the praise of Sir John the hymn,  
Of jouk John Walker for thus it doth begin,  
Of all Religions great and small,  
Cum fueris Romae is best of all.  
Hence we went to their Arsenal, plentifully provided with Hooks Nets, Corks, Leads, Plowters, Creels, and all inventions for ensnaring the Citizens of the Sea. At length we returned to the Bride, whos: entertainment was stately, of Dudds, Leydocks, Carlins, Orgements and Crowdy-moudy, the music was rattling of Shells of all sorts, Flute of Lobstar claws, Dulcimers of Partan bodies, and the Lochq●hab●es Organ, which is a Charming cluttering of two Beef ribs and a Hauks Bell, with a nimble agitation of the fingers: The Bride and her Virgins which were of the profession of Dulse-gatherers, had many excellent murgeons with their Gallants; But the frequentest of all their Pavy's, was, the hooking on of Smacks on others Gobs, till their lips turned blew and parched: The hymaenial hour being nigh, the Bride begun to grin and claw her Elbow, a sign as we took it, to repair to our Lodgings, which accordingly we did, and found our Beds at the Arsenal well, composed of the strongest Harrows, and Linniged with with the finest Nets. The next morning which we longed much for, having given seeming thanks, we left our Foay( you may guess what it was) for Drink Money, a Geordy, each under his own Pillow. We mounted for Cowper, where we arrived the night before the great Race, our entertainment there was so substantial, that I dare not mention the reality of it, lest I should seem to Romantize the Nobility, Gentry and burghers, every one striving who should out do one another in welcoming the Prince. The next day the hour of Solemnity being come, the Court fenced in the Right Honourable the Lord Provost's name and all ceremonies duly performed, the two Horses which were to carry on the Work( the one of Noble Eliot, the other of Stout Murray brother to the baron of 〈◇〉 were lead forth to the Score in Pomp, their Rider attended with the Friends of their Respective Patrons, attending them in a most decent and comely order: It was observable to see the difference of the Riders, both of them most expert Horsemen; For John Ho●me( mentioned sometime by Calidonius) hath such a close seat, as one would take him to be a part of the Horse: The other Jamy Hall, so Laborious, that if the horse have any Spirits, he will not fail to sand them to his Heels: Being started, they began to fly, and performed their work of six Miles in twelve Minutes, one amongst the Company confidently affirmed, that they made but 26 stroke in the whole course, which I believe, hardly it was carried by Mr. Murray's horse by two horse length: The prise was a sumptuous and large Cup of a great value, which with its Cover( for it was fashioned like a Bedpan) sufficient to Tozie a Dozen of belgic Virtuosi.  
The Race of the following day for a Cup of half the proportion of the other, bestowed gratis by the Towns heritable Provost, the Noble Earl, and was carried by a Barb of the Baron.  
The third Race for a saddle of five pound Sterling gained by a horse of Mr. Erskine Brother to the Noble constantly Loyal Hero; This horse though of 28 years of Age, and had known and experienced horses of the Game against him, yet carried the prise with a high Train. We cannot omit to show, that during the time of the Usurper, he concealed his abilities as to speed, lest he might have been employed in service against his Majesty; as also since May 29 last, new Teeth hath sprung in place of the Old ones, so that now he may well pass for a four year old: This was the last day of this Years Olympiad at Cowper in Fife, which Town show well who was their Patron by their Hospitality to Strangers, celebrate in the highest measure. All these sportful recreations were carried on by a most pleasant harmony, and a behaviour free of all contests and contradictions, that as I Learned the Mute Caledonius who was appointed there as a Judge, had this remark, that he had heard many Cracks and no Oaths, save in one inconsiderable Remonstator P●per of the Land of Whigmeria.  
Our Parthian Prince being highly satisfied with all that passed, dismissed the Cockany Convoy, gifting every one of them with a Topaz of the Bigness of a Sows Egg, and not far from colour. What entertainment be meets withall as he goes further North we shall give an Account of, if we receive from the Tyfeans who undertook his Couvoy and Guide.  
In the last Advertisement there was a mistake of Haddingtown Race, for it is upon the 21. of May next.  
FINIS