THE POOR CLIENT'S COMPLAINT  

COlin by Promise being Obliged to pay,  
Me such a Sum, betwixt and such a day:  
I asked it; he refused it; I addressed  
Aulus the Lawyer: He replied, it's best  
To Sue him at the Law. I'll make him debtor;  
Your Cause is good, there cannot be a better.  
Being thus advised away to Pete I trudge,  
Pray him, and pay him to bespeak the Judge:  
Engaged thus for better and for worse  
I must proceed, and thus I do depurse.  
For Writing Summons, Signing, Signeting:  
With a red Plaster and a Paper Ring;  
For Summoning the Principal, and then  
For Citeing Witnesses to say Amen;  
For Executions (alias Indorsations)  
For Tabling, Calling with Continuations:  
Next for Consulting Aulus and his Man;  
For he must be Consulted now and than:  
For pleading in the Outter-house and Inner.  
From Ten to Twelve, than Aulus goes to Dinner:  
For Writing Bills, for reading them, for Answers  
More dubious than those of Necromancers.  
For Interlocutors, for little Acts,  
For large Decreets, and their as large Extracts.  
For Hornings, for discussing of Suspensions,  
Full Stuffed with Lies and frivolous Pretensions:  
For Please your Lop. and such like Petitions,  
For raising and for serving Inhibitions.  
And for comprisings, or Adjudications,  
For their Allowances for Registrations;  
With many other Acts, and Protestations,  
Which may be Summed up in one word Vexations.  
Then unexpectedly upon a small  
Defect alleged, Colin Reduces all:  
We to't again, and Aulus doth disjoint  
The Process, and debates it Point be Point;  
The Cause at length's Concluded, but not ended,  
This made me Wonder! Aulus he pretended,  
Decreets must not be given out at Randum,  
But most abide a serious Avisandum.  
Conform to course of Roll; when that will be  
Indeed I cannot tell, nor yet can he.  
Thus Aulus hath for Ten years' space Extended  
The Plea, and further more I have Expended  
Vast Sums, to wit, for Washing, Lodging, Dyer,  
Yet seldom did I rest, or sleep in quire.  
For Coal, for Candle, Paper, Pen and Ink.  
And such like things, which truly one would think,  
Were unsignificant, but yet they're come  
In Ten Years space unto a pretty Sum.  
To Macers, Turn-keys, Agents, Catchpoles, Petes,  
Servants, Sub-servants, petty Foggers, Cheats;  
For Morning-drinks, Four-hours, half-Gills at Noon  
To fit their Stomach for the Fork & Spoon,  
To which they go, but I poor man mean while  
Slip quietly to the Earl of Murray's 
Old Kirk.  Isle.  
We meet again at two, then to desgeast  
Their bellyful, they'll have a Gill at least,  
Sometime a double One; for Brandywine  
Can only end the War called Intestine:  
For Mum, Sack, Claret, White-wine, Pearl, Beer, Ale,  
(One he would have it new, another stolen)  
Both must be pleased, for Pipes, Tobacco, Snuff,  
Tuist, Coffee, Tea, yea and a greasy Stuff  
Called Chocolet, Punch, Clarified Whey,  
With other Drinks, all which I duly pay:  
For Rolls, for Nackets, Roundabouts, Sour Kakes,  
For Cheshire-Cheese, fresh Butter, Cuckies, Bakes,  
For Paunches, Saucers, Shepherds, Cheats, Plack-pyes.  
Lamb-legs, Lamb kirnels, and Lamb Privities.  
Skait, Lobsters, Oysters, Mussels, Wilks, Neat's Tongues,  
One he for Leeks, Beer, and Red-herring longs.  
This must be had, an other doth prefer  
Raw herring, Onions. Oil, Spice, Vinegar.  
Rare Composition; and he's truly sorry  
It's not in Colpeppers Dispensatory:  
For Apples, Peers, Plumbs, Cherrys, and Green-peese  
Dulce, Tangles, Purslain, Turnapes, Radishes,  
With forty other Things, I have forgot,  
And I'm a Villain if I paid them not.  
Moreover my Affairs at Home sustain  
Both the emergent Loss, and cessant Gain;  
Aulus himself terms his a double loss,  
And I call him and it, a triple Cross:  
By all these means my Expense doth surmount  
Near ten times, ten times Colin's first Account.  
And now e'er that I wholly be bereft  
Of th' little Time and Money to me left,  
I'm at the length resolved thus to do,  
I'll shun my Debtor and Lawyer too:  
And after this I never will give credit  
Unto one Word, though either of them said it:  
You'll ask which of the two I'd rather shun,  
Aulus; it's he, it's he hath me undone,  
I've Words from both, but sad Experience tells.  
That Colin gives, but Aulus dearly sells.   
FINIS.