THE Coffee-mans' Granado DISCHARGED UPON THE Maiden's Complaint AGAINST COFFEE. In a Dialogue between Mr. Black-burnt and Democritus; Wherein is Discovered several Strange, Wonderful, and Miraculous Cures performed by COFFEE, (the like never heard of since the Creation.) With the names of the Persons, and Places of their abode, who were cured when left off by the Physicians. ALSO Some Merry Passages between Peg and Cis, two Merry Milkmaids of Islington, touching the rare Virtues of CHOCOLATE. Written by Don Bollicosgo Armu●haz, to confute the Author of that Lying Pamphlet. LONDON, Printed for J. Johnson, 1663. A Dialogue between Democritus, and Mr. BLACK-BURNT. Black-burnt. WEll over-taken, whether now so fast? Democtitus. To see how that Book seels I Printed last. Black. What Book is that, good Sir, you late did sell? Democ. The Maid's Complaint, I hope you like it well. Black. So well E'faith, that had I my desire, I'd burn thyself, and Book in scorching fire. Democ. I hope not so, for now I do recant, And will its worth beyond Rich Alegant, Or Nectar raise, so that the World shall think, It is for health beyond all Cordial drink. Black. If so you do, then will I raise five pound, To gratify thy worth in shillings round. Democ. You are the Man Sir; Money is the Thing That does a POET'S Wits to Bondage bring: I like your promise; now my Pen shall crack, And raise thy Coffee higher far than Sack; I'll cause the gods themselves that drank before Nectar, Ambrosia, thy Drink to adore; Coffee shall now make Bacchus' poor, and he Shall beg, whilst all his Custom comes to thee. Black. O happy is this day that I thee met, Who was before near drowned in a Sweat; Thy very promise made to me has cured That Agony, which I before endured; For now my gains will be a hundred more By Coffee-drinking than it was before. Democ. Give me your Money, and I will be bound To make each penny that you gained a pound: If that you do not by your Coffee get More in a day, than I by twelve month's wit. For in its praise such worth declare I shall, Will make your Drink Infallible to all. All Europe shall believe (though black as Ink) It is like Crystal; and no other Drink Will health preserve, so that in time you'll see, Your Coffeehouse shall never empty be. Black. If it be so, here Earnest take to day, And Quarterly I will allow thee pay. Democ. I thank you Sir, I hope you by and by Will show the Cures, as they in Order lie. Black. But first, a little to tell thee of thy Errors Democritus, for I must give thee a gentle Lash or too for thy ambition since thy Planet-stricken brain caused thee so to abuse us, and that contrary to so many Authors who have in Large Volumes discovered the worth of this Liquor for cure of all Maladies. Demock. I know ' its good for the Dropsy, and those that are not of a hot Constitution. Black. But thou sayest again, that it is made of Old Crusts, and shreds of Leather burnt and beaten to powder. Democ. Why, to tell you truth, the scent to any reasonable man will seem no less than some such compound; Old Hewson being a likely blind Cobbler to plot any thing against the English to be revenged for his Exilement. Black. But we can show Patterns of the Berries to convince thee of thy Error. Then thou sayest we gain ten pence in the shilling; well we may, for if Mountebanks can take ten pound for what cost but two pence; and it may be Kill instead of Cure the Patients; who would grudge a penny a dish for their health's sake for that which is Infallible for all Maladies. Thou mightst better complain of the Long-Lane Jews, who take 6. d. a month for use in the pound, and a good pawn, which amounts to above 30 l. per an. beside Bill money; and many times 6. d for an odd day if it lie above a month; nay, some of them 12 d. a month, which is 60. l. per annum besides the bill. Democ. I have an old black Cloak can testify that well enough, for some of those Moth-eating Cormorants have gnawed as much Wool off from it in Chater-house-Lane, as is worth 25. s. when it cost but six and twenty at first, so that it will hardly yield five groats in a foreign Country, if sent for a Venture. Now I would fain hear the rare Cures that have been performed by Coffee, as I may hereafter give a better account to the drinkers of that Liquor. Blac. First, Benjamin Bad-cock drank Coffee in Layden, and his Wife Mis. Wood-a-mores daughter of that Town remained barren four years, after which he left drinking Coffee, and in three quarters of a year she had a goodly chopping boy. Democ. I confess than it is better for barrenness, then against it. Black. Anthony Lamley of White-chappel being troubled with a Priapismus a long time, drank Coffee, after which he had nothing ever seen to stand but his Ears. Democ. This is also Probatum Est, I was not so good a Doctor before. But have you any more. Black. Yes, Helsen a Leather-weaver in Dalmacia was troubled with a Consumption four years, and fell to Coffee a long time, by which he was so cured, that his pocket was as bare as a Birds-arse. D●m●c. I profess my Cloak is e'en sick of the same disease, and I think as well cured it is also Probatum Est. Black. Another named Richard Banco of Catolougo lay of a dead Paisie three years, and drinking Coffee, was so perfectly cu●'d, that the next day he was seen to go throrow the High-street upon 4. men's shoulders, to the admiration of his Neighbours who had not seen him some years before. Democ. This is a strange cure, but I suppose he was some great Giant, in regard he went upon four pair of Legs. Black. Another called Calobra in Spantego, was troubled with a dimness of sight, and drinking Coffee, an hour after he broke his Fast with a Mess of Milk-Pottage, and the white of his Eyes dropped into the dish. Democ. I should not wish mine there, though his Cure was Probatim Est. Black. Anne Marina of Rotterdam was troubled with a Corn on her upper Lip, the more it was cut, the bigger it grew, so that she at the last drank Coffee, and the Corn dropped into the Dish as she held it to her mouth, as clean as an Acron out of the Shell. Democ. I should like this Cure best, if Coffee would bring the Corns so easily from my Toes. Blac. In Spellantego, Johannes Delmonack drank Coffee for the Morbus Gallicus, and the bridge was so dried, that (as he lay a sleep at night with his mouth open) his Nose dropped in and choked him. Democ. This was a rare Cure, but for that trick I'll have mine sowed on faster. Black. One Rose Bulborne being troubled with the blue Jaundice, and drinking Coffee, took her bed, turned black, and the Searchers coming the next day to view her, inserted her in the Clerk's book, to be put in the Bill of Mortality the next week. Democ. This was a strange cure, and I wonder the Dyers do not prove good customers to you, for there's but little good Black in England. Black. Theodore Flashbooth of Limehouse being stopped with phlegm, drank Coffee till he was so dried up, that an unskilful Mountebank gave order to let him blood, instead of which issued forth dust and vapour, that he was smothered to a perfect cure. And is intended to write a book in praise of Coffee, which when published, will cause much admiration to the Reader. Democ. I shall buy one of those books to increase my Library; but these are cures I never heard of before. I know Coffee is good for some things, but not for hot bodies. Black. For most diseases it is good, though not for Constitutions that are dry and hot. Democ. What, have you no other Liquor but Coffee? Blac. Yes, we have Bracket, China-Ale, and pure Cider. Demo. Truly those Liquors are admirable, I could live In a Spring from whence such Liquor flows, Although I had but room for Mouth and Nose. Black. But what sayest thou to Chocholate? Democ. I like that well for Lads and Lasses, therefore I'll leave it to them to dispute of. Come Mr. Black-burnt let's not longer stay, Yonder comes Pris and Cis, let us away. Blac. Democritus I thank thee for thy pain we'll leave the Milkmaids in a merry strain. Democ. The Maids by me shall never be perplexed, I know that Chocolate is their Text. Cis. Well met honest Peg; whether away so fast. Peg. I'm going to Old Bullocks to speak with his man Roger that I may hear what news he brings from the Coffeehouse. Cis. Faugh, Coffeehouse, what, doth he drink that black, nasty, Hel-burnt Liquor. he'll ere long bring himself to nothing as our Man Tom has done already. Peg. No, he drinks Chocolate, which is a rich drink indeed; 'twil make him as strong in the back as a Lion; he's as nimble as a Squirrel, as brisk as a body-louse, and as lively as an Eel, only by the virtue of that Liquor; it's a brave pleasant Liquor, for I have drank of it myself. Cis. Prithee Peg tell me what manner of Liquor that is? Peg. Marry such Liquor as would make your teeth water to taste it, for I'm sure it made me come too't so lustily, that I shall never forget it. Cis. Thou mak'st me long for some of that, what is it made off? Peg. Efaith Cis, it's made of good new Milk (with which I serve a Coffee-house every day) which is well boiled with yolks of Eggs, store of Sugar, and a dainty sweet tasted thing called Chocolate. Cis. Marry Peg that can't choose but be good indeed. Peg. I have found it so, to the cost of poor Roger, and some pain to myself, but sweet meat must have sour fawce. Cis. Prithee Peg tell me the whole story. Peg. In truth I'll deal plainly with thee; our man Roger after dinner about this time twelve month persuaded me to go to a Coffee-house, where we drank store of this Chocolate, and in the afternoon going towards High-berry-barn to milk the Kine, I met Roger, who was grown so lusty by the virtue of that Liquor, that he gave me a green gown, tumbled me on a bank, and after some amorous kisses, I could not deny any courtesy he desired: so that at last (like a mettlesome Lad) he stole away my Maidenhead, which to my sorrow proved a Timpany in my belly, & in three quarters of a year I fell in Mother Midnight's hands, and was cured of the Tinpany, which had two Legs, and lies now at Roger's charge, ten shillings a month, besides Blankets, Linen, and Cradle; but yet he is so kind, continuing at this Liquor that I have little cause to repent my bargain, in respect of his Love and Loyalty. Cis. Sayest thou so Peg, Efaith I'll see what I can do to persuade our Tom to leave Coffee, and drink Chocolate, that I may enjoy a little of the blessing other Maids have, though I sell one of my Father's Cows to draw him too't. Peg. And so it's best dear sister Cicely try. Although you by the walls a month do lie. Cis. The charge shall lie upon my Father's score, Though, when I've tried, I lie a month or more; I've now learned wit● the thanks I'll give to you, And till we meet again, dear Cis, adieu. In Answer to the Postscript of the supposed Mountebank DEMOCRITUS. DEmocritus was drowsy when he writ In Dialogue, the Fragments of his Wit, If not asleep, or else he would have sought, And found these Cures that were by Coffee wrought; Both for the Palsy, Madness, Morbus, Ptifick, So that they'll need no Mountebank or Physic For Gout or Scurvy, it doth do no less For Jaundice, Timpany, and Barrenness, Which are in order in this Treatise writ, To prove Democritus besides his wit. He often Writeth of the Stigyon Lake, As though he would to Hell a Voyage make, Old Charon can (for's Labour) grant no more, But quit a penny for his passage over: Thus to confute him, if this will not do, I'll pawn my Coffeehouse and Coffee too, Till when, Democritus I bid farewell, I'll to my Chamber, you o'er STYX to HELL. FINIS.